On Raising Girls

On Raising Girls Jahili attitudes toward women persist, despite Islam’s 1,410 years of historical existence

BY NOOR SAADEH

Raising practicing Muslim children amidst Islamophobia and a very jahili society is a difficult task. This is especially true in terms of raising and interacting with girls and women. Parents are influenced by Western society’s idea of freedom, children view Islam as terribly restrictive and the umma privileges boys and men while relegating girls and women to narrowly defined roles and goals.

I asked several young women from a variety of ages, socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds to evaluate how their parents and community have succeeded or failed them. The results are discussed below.

Appearance. For girls, appearance remains paramount. One need only recall the (now largely discontinued) matrimonial sections: “Family seeks bride: beautiful, slim, tall, white, educated…” Oh yes … “and religious.”

There still appears to be less focus on character development and a deep practical understanding and implementation of the deen. Yes, pursuing higher education is far more the standard today, and yet they stated that their parents too often view an advanced degree as a carrot to dangle in front of a prospective groom’s family or yet another element of their bragging rights.

Matrimonials now read: “Family seeks bride with university degree.” But the reality is she’ll often be expected to stay home and have babies. So are we hypocritical when proclaiming that the mother’s lap is the child’s first school? Was the degree’s goal acquiring knowledge or just another item on the matrimonial list? WE HEAR FATHERS CRY, “SPOIL THE GIRL,”

Education = Career = Conundrum. Islam requires WHICH MEANS TO CONDITION HER TO AN EASY everyone to seek knowledge. A woman’s mind and voice are necessary to complement those of men. But LIFE, DRY HER TEARS AND DECIDE EVERYTHING as we concentrate on moving Muslimahs into higher FOR HER, INCLUDING HER FUTURE AND HER education and the workforce, are we losing sight of HUSBAND. SO WHAT ELSE CAN WE EXPECT their basic nature, psychology and physiology? Traditional gender roles and responsibilities are BUT A CHILD RAISING CHILDREN AND WOMEN changing and merging. Too many young women, WHOSE WORLD IS LIMITED TO THE HOME, THE attracted by the glamor of working life, are forsaking MALL AND THE BEAUTY SALON? traditional homemaker roles. More worrisome, they are debating whether to have children at all and, when they do, are leaving them to be raised by hired help and schools. longish shorts — as do many non-Muslim men —

Modesty. Modesty invariably dominates any discussion of Muslimahs, thanks perhaps choosing not to remember that the early to “O ye Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover your Muslims adopted a defining dress code that was worn shame, as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness at all times, not just for Friday prayer or Eid celebra— that is the best. Such are among the Signs of God, that they may receive tions, which today are more cultural than Islamic. admonition!” (7:26). Muslim men apparently expect Muslimahs to fend

We may all “remember” an image in our history books of the fully clothed for themselves. European discoverer calling the scantily clad natives (accurately depicted?) “sav- Culture. “And they attribute to God daughters ages.” In contrast, provocatively baring our flesh now denotes our urbanity and — exalted is He — and for them is what they desire. sophistication, while covering it relegates us provincial at best, if not backward When the glad news of the birth of their daughter is and oppressed. brought to them, their faces turn gloomy and black

Conversely, today’s modest Muslimahs represent Islam’s vanguard, for they alone with anger” (16:57-58). are its very visible ambassadors. As a result, they have become targets for others’ It’s 2020 and we’re still dealing with the “problem” wrath and ridicule. Do we provide them with the tools to combat this negativity? of women — that a man and a family’s honor are

Muslim men defensively claim they have a beard and wear loose pants or connected to their womenfolk. A sin is still a sin,

but who bears the often fatal rage over the family’s perceived loss of honor?

We hear fathers cry, “Spoil the girl,” which means to condition her to an easy life, dry her tears and decide everything for her, including her future and her husband. So what else can we expect but a child raising children and women whose world is limited to the home, the mall and the beauty salon?

Champions of Women. A beautiful interpretation of the infamous interpretation and subsequent translation of 4:34 is: “All men are champions [instead of ‘in charge’] of all women.” What a difference choosing from among a specific word’s multiple meanings makes! From a benevolent protector, a guardian lord who alone knows what is best for his flock, to a man who makes jihad to ensure women’s rights.

“Mentioning the defense of women, children, and orphans beside each other in the Qur’an, 4:127, is a sign of the existence of transgression against them through the length of the history. The support of God from the rights of women is an unchangeable pronouncement of God.”(https://www.al-islam.org/ enlightening-commentary-light-holy-quran-vol-4/ section-19-dealings-orphans-and-women).

History bears out that men always try to diminish women’s rights. Consider the following realities: Ancient Greek and Roman men considered women possessions and chattel; Chinese men bound their feet for 1,000 years; the Bible commands female submission and obedience to men; European men, both in Europe and the conquered “New World,” devised pro-men inheritance and nuptial agreements; modern India has abortion centers adjacent to ultrasound clinics; female genital mutilation remains a reality in Africa; and many Afghani girls are still denied a modern formal education.

In all of these and other instances, women and mothers were — and still are — persuaded or coerced to be accomplices in these horrific acts, all of which deny girls and women the Prophet’s (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) implementation of their God-given rights.

The gender-based discrimination found in many Muslim countries, which is rooted in cultural and family traditions, is based on physical and mental strength; socioeconomic status; and being trained to serve the family’s male members, taught to always repress her own will and to forsake her home and family.

All of this conflicts with Quranic proclamations: Men and women share the same spiritual nature; are God’s trustees on Earth; are equal in terms of practicing social, moral, economic and political rights, as well as in terms of sharing certain responsibilities; and are responsible only for their own deeds and receive an equal reward/punishment in return (Jamal Badawi, “Gender Equity in Islam,” 1995).

Fathers as Champions of Daughters. God created men and women to complement each other as spouses, and vitally so as parents affect and teach each child from their different abilities and perspectives. This reality is part of the divine master plan.

Research reveals that 80% of incarcerated American women come from homes with a non-existent, absent or abusive father. Studies also show that a supportive and present father in the home helps them develop a much better self-esteem and confidence, as well as have a more successful marriage. Girls who tend to seek attention, experiment with sex and look for vindication and love in all the wrong places typically lack a present and engaged father who champions them at home (https://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics).

Both parents need to see their daughters as equal and unique persons who have their own abilities and to be dealt with according to their particular fitra, which is different but equal to that of their sons. “The Status of Women in Islam,” a much-shared post, states that a daughter opens the door to janna for the father, a wife is half of her husband’s faith and a mother has janna at her feet. This all sounds good, but where is the girl in all of this? Is her worth only what she provides for others? This smacks of colonialism and the pre-Islamic Makkan/ Arab patriarchy. Nary a mention of her as a servant of God to be rewarded and ultimately judged for her own acts.

Role Models. We praise all the women of the Prophet’s family, especially His beloved independent businesswoman wife Khadija; Aisha, the delight and spice in his later years and the most known sahih source of hadith; and Fatima, the joy of his heart (radiallahu anhumma). So why do we seem to forget them when raising our own daughters? Given the numerous and more visible female role models in every sphere of contemporary life, we as parents are obliged to share their stories and successes to convince our daughters that the sky’s the limit for them as well.

Balancing Act. As we move toward this Islamic ideal, we must balance our society’s norms and whims with God’s mandates. “Yes!” to education, to modest visibility and to girls and women as “half the sky’” and “half our deen” – but always keeping in mind their physical, physiological, emotional and mental make-up and God-mandated responsibilities.

Consider the following practical tips: Let your daughters know that they are loved, be a good listener, build their love for modesty, teach them about their role models, give them love and affection and understand the true blessing of daughters (Adapted from https://www.onepathnetwork.com/six-tips-for-raisingmuslim-girls and https://www.soundvision.com/article/22-tips-for-parents-onkeeping-muslim-teens-muslim. ih