Finding CALM in the Chaos

One of the great resources that our Issaquah School District families have is ParentWiser. This program brings the latest research and educational information into the homes of our students’ families to support parents in raising thriving individuals. This program is made possible by a partnership with the Issaquah PTSA Council and Issaquah Schools Foundation.

Last October, ParentWiser invited Dr. Laura Kastner to discuss strategies to help our children, partners, and ourselves find calm in the chaos. The conversation was titled: “Building Resilience and Positive Coping Skills”.

Self-Care and Self-Regulate Yourself

Most parents are experiencing Pandemic Parental Burnout. They feel exhausted and desire to escape. Some parents are emotionally distancing themselves from family and friends. Therefore, a positive mindset is always optimal for facing any challenge: Be persistent, bounce back, be realistically optimistic, and stay motivated.

Dr. Kastner asked the parents to keep in mind that their stress affects their child’s well-being. And in the same way, if children have depression, anxiety, or behavioral difficulties, this will affect parents’ health. It goes in both directions.

Dr. Kastner emphasized that all parents need to start with self-care and self-regulation. Self-care is childcare! Parents have a responsibility to take breaks and learn to take care of themselves. It is part of good childcare. Also, the best thing parents can do when they interact with their children is to learn to self-regulate their emotions, practice techniques to calm down, take control of their behavior, have self-awareness, and manage their stress.

Help Your Children to Calm Down

Dr. Kastner explained that the biggest problem parents usually have is trying to control their children when they are having a meltdown. DO NOT argue with somebody who is having a meltdown; just wait and be quiet. Parents need to make sure their kids are safe but should not talk to them when their brain is offline.

Remembering this CALM protocol when a child has a meltdown is helpful:

Cool down and reduce heart rate;

Assess your options and get the brain online;

Listen with empathy and validation;

Map a plan for problem solving.

There are different methods that Dr. Kastner provided during the lecture for both parents and children to calm ourselves and to regulate heart rates:

1. 4-7-8 Breathing: Exhale completely, then inhale through the nose for the count of 4, hold the breath for the count of 7, exhale audibly through the mouth for the count of 8, and repeat the above steps four times.

2. 4 Square Breathing: Breathe in for 4 seconds, Hold the breath for 4 seconds, Breath out for 4 seconds, and hold it for 4 seconds.

3. Activate our diving reflex (a function of our bodies that triggers our nervous system to calm us down immediately) using ice, cold water, or frozen peas.

4. Another method to help self-calm is putting feelings into words. Most people feel better after talking about their feelings. Parents should model to their children or teenagers how to name their feelings. Parents need to talk more about their own feelings. If adults do not have their own vocabulary about feelings, they cannot expect their children to be good at it.

Long-term Relationships

Dr. Kastner gave some suggestions on ways to develop long-term relationships with others:

Listening: Show empathy, be responsive, show warmth, create secure attachments, keep conversations open, hang out and enjoy being with them.

Praise: Encourage others and give rewards. Collaboration and problem solving is important.

Routines: Set rules and be consistent following through. Have limits.

Consequences: Establish punishment and negative consequences or penalties. However, this should not be a major part of parenting.

During the pandemic, there are extra goals for parenting:

-Use more positive feedbacks (instead of negative ones or complaining and fighting each other).

-Use more planned ignoring (the opposite of providing your attention) for annoying behaviors.

-Spend more positive time together. Have more fun!

At the end of the lecture, Dr. Kastner used Alexander Graham Bell’s quote, “When one door closes, another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” The pandemic might have changed a lot for parenting and family relationships and has added lots of stress. However, Dr. Kastner invited the families to be resilient. Parents should remember that using positive coping skills and strategies can still help them find calm, manage the pressures, and build healthy family relationships during a crisis.

To watch Dr. Kastner’s fulllength lecture, visit https:// www.parentwiser.org/ or to get more resources, go to her website: https:// laurakastnerphd.com/ lkastner/.

Dr. Laura Kastner is a clinical professor in both the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences and the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington. She is the author of numerous academic articles on such topics as adolescent suicide, sexuality, and mental health.