How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home!

Another ParentWiser event during the fall featured book authors, William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson. They spoke about how to talk to kids, how to help kids have a healthy sense of control to build motivation, and how to guide them while still giving them room to make their own decisions.

A Healthy Sense of Control

Dr. Stixrud and Mr. Johnson pointed out that one of the most important things parents can do for their kids is to help them develop a healthy sense of control over their own lives. This can help them feel less overwhelmed, anxious, or exhausted and not feel hopeless or helpless.

They recommend letting children develop a sense that they can manage their life and that their decisions matter. A healthy sense of control is greatly related to mental health. It is also crucial for developing internal motivation (self-drive).

The foundation of having a healthy sense of control is the communication used to build connections in their relationships. A close relationship with parents is the key to protecting kids against the harmful effects of stress.

Empathy and validation are the tools that can help build close connections between parents and kids. When parents use these, kids can trust them with their feelings. These are the two most important and effective tools to help handle strong emotions.

All kids have strong emotions. When kids show these strong emotions, the way parents respond can often push kids away from them rather than draw them closer. As humans, we naturally have a tendency to try to help solve problems instead of calming strong emotions.

Dr. Stixrud and Mr. Johnson recommend that parents use empathy to listen without judging when talking to kids. Parents should repeat back the child’s feelings, validate or seek to understand the child’s perspective, and demonstrate that the child can handle these strong feelings. They should hang there with them while the kids are experiencing a strong emotion instead of immediately moving past it onto the solution. During conversations with kids, when parents know to repeat the facts instead of purely agreeing with them, it is a signal to the kids that their parents have listened. Their parents have tried to understand their perspective, which calms strong emotions. It also puts the child in a position of being able to calm themselves so that they can begin to solve problems on their own.

Then, Dr. Stixrud and Mr. Johnson talked about the idea that parents could see themselves more as consultants to the kids rather than as their manager or their boss. Ultimately, the role of a parent is to help kids figure out who they want to be and how to create the life they want. Parents’ goal is for kids to be able to run their own lives before they leave home.

There are three suggestions to help parents be consultants:

1. Offer help/advice/wisdom but do not force it. Repeating the same words or lecturing to kids is not effective communication.

2. Let kids make their own decisions when they are little. Provide them options and let them make a choice. Encourage their decision-making or opinions because it is respectful. The best message parents can give an adolescent besides “I love you!” is “I have confidence in your ability to make decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes. I want you to have a ton of experience doing that before I send you off to college.”

3. Encourage kids to solve their own problems neurologically. When kids feel stress, parents want them to be able to go into coping mode instead of running away or freaking out. Offer suggestions instead of giving solutions to them.

In a consultant role, parents should not use force. Acknowledging that force does not always work is very empowering. By taking away the option of force, parents have to trust that their kids can think on their own and they are trying to move in the right direction.

Dr. Stixrud and Mr. Johnson also mentioned the language of a non-anxious presence. How can parents convey a non-anxious presence? Try to use more positive language. When talking to kids, think about using 5-1 method (5 positive interactions vs. 1 negative interaction) to maintain a positive relationship.

Remember, negative words are more powerful than positive words. As best as they can, parents should try to be really purposeful about the words they use. This can help them move in the direction of being a non-anxious presence. Work on practices that may help children be less anxious.

As a parent, remember to use a collaborative problemsolving method as much as possible, particularly with teens. Be consultative and move from trying to monitor the kids to mentoring them. Change from trying to have power over them, where there are no long-term winners, to influencing them. Talk with kids about the pursuit of happiness. The formula for happiness: PERMA – Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. Discuss with kids what is meaningful to them. Let kids know how important relationships are and how important they are to the parents, not just their achievements, but just in helping.

During the last part of the lecture, Ned talked about consequences and how important it is to support autonomy for kids. When kids sense that this is their life and they have control, it can motivate children. But consequences still exist. Natural consequences are normal. If kids make a decision, and this is how the world responds, let them handle their own problems and find solutions. Discipline is not punishment. Teach kids about life experiences. Share wisdom, values, hopes, and dreams with kids. As a parent, it is important and effective to communicate limits with kids, but also to share values and information.

To watch Dr. Stixrud and Mr. Johnson’s full-length lecture, visit https://www.parentwiser.org/ or to get more resources or join their private Facebook Group, https://www.facebook.com/ groups/selfdrivenchild.

William Stixrud, PhD is a clinical neuropsychologist and founder of the Sixth Food group, a faculty member at the Children's National Medical Center, and an assistant professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics at George Washington University, School of Medicine. Ned Johnson is an author, speaker, and founder of Prep Matters, an educational company providing academic tutoring, educational planning, and standardized test preparation.