Yoga for Letting Go Koren Paalman

Yoga for Letting Go

BY KOREN PAALMAN

“Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.”

—B.K.S. Iyengar, Guruji Uwatch (Compiled by Nivedita Josh, 2004)

DEATH, GRIEF, AND LOSS

Each time we form an attachment to another human being, it is inevitable that, sooner or later, one of us will die. With every relationship we form, loss is guaranteed, though we rarely think about that outcome. Grief begins with childhood losses and its tantrums and tears. Over time, our responses to loss grow more complex. There may still be tantrums and tears, but also anxiety, anger, depression, numbness, and more. We think of death as the ultimate loss, but all losses make their mark on who we become. Once I found solid emotional support and put into place

In 2014, the Iyengar Yoga community experienced the death our beloved Guruji, and more recently, our cherished Geetaji. Although we knew this time would inevitably come, their passing has left its mark on each of us individually and as a community. Patanjali tells us that our body is made up of the five elements of nature and that these primal elements create a temporary vehicle for our eternal soul to reside in. Our body undergoes constant change and eventual death; however, our individual soul is untouched. As yoga practitioners, we know that the soul is eternal and that each of us will physically pass impede our yogic path. Our karma dictates how we grieve and

through the various cycles of life beginning with birth and ending with death. We were all blessed to receive the teachings of Guruji and Geetaji, and their deaths mark time and are now milestones in our lives. In the words of Guruji, “Birth and death are beyond the will of human being. These two do not ask our permission.” (Astadala Yogamala, Vol. 5, p. 264)

In 2007, I lost my life partner suddenly in a car accident, and in that moment, my life changed forever. My sadness was overwhelming and all encompassing, and my grieving seemed endless. I discovered how skillfully American culture avoids anything painful, particularly death. I learned, firsthand, that publicly displaying feelings and emotions is not ok, yet I was thrust into an unknown emotional state, rendered completely vulnerable and powerless looking for outlets to process my grief. My family and friends were comfortable holding space for my grief for a month or two, but then I was expected to get over it and move on. Understanding that their capacity for my seeking out those who had suffered a significant loss, attending a couple grief workshops, and putting together a yoga sequence that I practiced daily. Once I found solid emotional support and put into place a variety of effective coping skills, processing the loss raised my awareness and took my life in a new direction.

a variety of effective coping skills, processing the loss raised my awareness and took my life in a new direction. Based on my experiences, I started a grief support service, combining yoga with other modalities to help people of all ages in grief as well as those supporting people in grief. The underlying theme of my work is to promote consciousness in the grieving process, thereby providing a transformational opportunity much like the transformational opportunities provided by a dedicated yoga practice.

WHY GRIEVE?

If we believe the soul is eternal, then why do we need to grieve? According to yogic philosophy, experiencing a significant loss plants seeds of karma, and planted seeds of karma have to be experienced, either in this lifetime or the next. For yoga practitioners, unmanifested seeds of karma can bear fruit and grief had been exhausted, I built a new support community,

for how long.

Western psychologists tell us that grieving is a necessary emotional journey that requires feeling the pain before we can experience the healing. Many strong and conflicting emotions are common in grief, including sadness, anger, guilt, regret, and thoughts of suicide. Grief expresses itself behaviorally as well with sudden outbursts of crying, unusual reactions to family and friends, withdrawal, and apathy. Physical manifestations of grief include insomnia, lethargy, high blood pressure, tightness in the throat, and headaches.

Grieving is rarely a progressive road that moves consistently forward but rather is a process that includes backsliding. For most people, it can take two to three years to heal and

If we believe the soul is eternal, then why do we need to grieve?

adjust to a new life. We need to deal with our grief because the emotional instability that occurs is mentally disturbing and as such is an obstacle to reaching liberation.

“Use each experience as a stepping stone.”

—B.K.S. Iyengar, Guruji Uwatch

THE YOGA SUTRAS

The philosophical teachings of the sutras provide essential tools for healing grief and loss. In the first chapter, Patanjali reveals that practice and detachment are the means to still the movements of consciousness. A regular and appropriate yoga practice helps reduce the stress of grieving while supporting the process of letting go. It improves posture and mood, both of which are greatly impacted by the grieving process.

During my own period of acute grieving, my home practice became more regular; the sequence was one that helped me let go of my loss. With deep reverence, I did supported inversions, supported back extending poses, and supine restorative poses. Truly detaching required accessing a different part of my brain. I had to figure out how to let go of my former life, while still honoring the beautiful being that had passed. I had to process my grief so I could quiet my mind and continue on my path of yoga.

Kriya yoga is another tool we can use to modify our thoughts, desires, and actions. It consists of a burning zeal through a devoted practice of yoga, study of the scriptures and ourselves, and a devoted orientation toward meditation on God. Kriya yoga reduces the five afflictions (klesas) that disturb the equilibrium of our consciousness—ignorance, ego, attachment, aversion, and fear of death, all of which are manifestations of ignorance. Overcoming the afflictions facilitates our healing process and leads us toward a state of liberation. Embracing the teachings of kriya yoga and the interplay of the klesas can be used as a kind of cognitive-behavior therapy. Traditional cognitive therapy helps people learn effective self-help skills that change the way they think, feel, and behave.

A yogic cognitive therapy works with the three aspects of kriya yoga and the afflictions to help process grief and loss to bring about a quieter mind. Processing grief and loss can potentially take years, so it requires burning zeal. Effective grieving requires studying ourselves emotionally, behaviorally, and physically so we know what we need to heal. During my own personal healing process, I benefited from a belief in the everlasting soul of my beloved who passed, and that belief strengthened my belief in a universal soul as well.

An awareness of the interplay of the afflictions can help us remove the veil of ignorance around grief and thereby reduce our suffering. B.K.S. Iyengar described the afflictions as occurring in three levels: intellectual, emotional, and instinctive. The combination of a lack of knowledge and egoism limits our intelligence. Not knowing what we need to give ourselves while grieving, like time, rest, or self care, will prolong the grieving process. An egoism that deludes one into not grieving at all will result in endless suffering.

In my grief workshops, I’ve observed that many people who grieve are filled with misconceptions about their own grieving process. Many believe they are grieving incorrectly, that it shouldn’t be taking so long, or that they should be grieving similarly to others. One objective of my workshops is to provide a place for people to gather together and educate themselves about the process of grieving to learn that there are no “shoulds.” Grieving is as individual as people are.

I also work to help people accept their loss while still honoring the person who has passed. Accepting a loss requires letting go of attachments to the person who passed and the connection you shared. It also means eliminating various aversions that often accompany death, such as anger at doctors, family members, and sometimes even the person who passed. According to B.K.S. Iyengar, excessive attachments and aversions create disharmony between the body and mind and may lead to emotional disorders.

If we are unwilling to change the way we think and live after a significant loss, we will suffer endlessly. Fear, namely fear of death, is instinctive, but it is still something to overcome because it is limiting. It limits our ability to change because change requires overcoming fear of the unknown.

Patanjali tells us that the afflictions not only create disharmony between the body and mind but are also impediments to our spiritual pursuit. On both the path of grieving and of yoga, we are trying to chip away at our ignorance in order to reduce our suffering and move toward a state of liberation. Yoga can help us develop right thinking and action and thus also help us manage afflictions resulting from loss and grief.

The eight limbs of yoga provide guidance on our healing journey. Universal social practices remind us to cause no harm to ourselves and others; to be sincere and truthful to ourselves and others; not to steal or take another's wealth; to practice temperance; and to only acquire what we need. Individual

self-care habits remind us to practice cleanliness, cultivate contentment, live with determination, study ourselves, and practice the art of surrender.

Self-study helps with self-care. Self-neglect and neglect of others is hurtful and further isolates us. Universal and individual social practices are essential for processing grief and reaching a healing state.

You can transform the body through the mind or transform the mind through the body. When we use our body to transform our mind, the mind and body begin to understand each other better, thereby creating an opportunity for good physical and mental health to emerge. All yoga poses calm and satisfy the mind. However, specific categories of poses are especially good while grieving such as supported inversions, supported back extending poses, and supine poses.

Regulating the breath may be useful for those who have an established yoga practice in place. Antara kumbhakas with a very short kumbhaka after inhalation has been recommended by Guruji. However, if lying down and closing your eyes causes sorrow, then the practice is not appropriate at this time. Never force breath regulation.

The aforementioned limbs of yoga help prepare us to withdraw our senses, our mind, and our consciousness from the external world toward the internal reality. With this comes better concentration; we can focus on what we need to accomplish. With this refined mental state, we are more able to let go of our loved one and the life we shared, so we can build a new life based on our current circumstances.

The last three limbs of yoga—concentration, meditation, and absorption of consciousness in the self—are not practices we actively do. They are manifestations of the practices of yoga.

“Yoga is a mirror to look at ourselves from within.”

—B.K.S. Iyengar, Guruji Uwatch

THE BHAGAVAD GITA

The devotional Bhagavad Gita is another set of essential teachings for the path of healing grief and loss. An uplifting spiritual text, this work teaches an understanding of death that may ease some pain. After reading sloka II.19–20, losing my beloved felt less devastating because I came to understand that the soul of my beloved was still vibrant, that it did not die with the body.

When grieving, we need to lift off the sadness that is weighing down our chest and elevate our minds into a new way of thinking.

If you think that this Self can kill or think that it can be killed, you do not well understand reality’s subtle ways. It never was born; coming to be, it will never not be. Birthless, primordial, it does not die when the body dies.

—The Bhagavad Gita, II.19–20 (Stephen Mitchell)

When working with people who are grieving, I share my belief in an everlasting soul. For many, this idea brings solace. Even for those who do not share this belief, I still encourage them to communicate with their loved one. Most people feel like they need to create closure, and to do so, many need to apologize for something or just simply say they love and miss their loved one. I encourage people to share their thoughts to a photo of their loved one.

Grieving is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Many despair and turn toward substances to dull the pain. However, you have to feel the pain to reach a state of healing. Sloka VI.5 reminded me to lift myself up by myself, both body and mind. When grieving, we need to lift off the sadness that is weighing down our chest and elevate our minds into a new way of thinking.

He should lift up the self by the Self and not sink into the selfish for the self is the only friend of the Self, and its only foe.

There are countless other slokas that provide comfort on the path of healing. I encourage people who are grieving to pick up their favorite translation and find what speaks to them.

YOGA SEQUENCES

A regular yoga practice will help manage some of the emotional, behavioral, and physical symptoms of grieving. It reduces stress and improves posture—both wonderful benefits for someone processing loss. Grieving can be very isolating so going to a class can make us feel like we are part of a community and less alone. A home yoga practice helps us connect to ourselves and rebuild our lives.