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Vol. 64 No. 38 • 50 cents

Leaving the nest

LA council reaches deal on First & Main property

By Jana Seshadri Town Crier Staff Writer

Outgrowing the grown-up-baby blues

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By Mary Beth Hislop Town Crier Staff Writer

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ou remember the colic, the 2 a.m. feedings and the dirty diapers. Will it ever end? Then there’s the terrible twos, the “why?” “why?” “why?” and the picky-persnickety eaters. Will it ever end?

Next come the terrifying teenage traumas – heartbreaks, pimples and designer jeans.

Will it ever end?

And then it does.

As families across the country pack up and escort their children to college campuses that will serve as home for the next four years, that now-empty bedroom can be outfitted as the gym and workout room Dad always wanted or the office Mom needs.

But all of a sudden, parents start asking, “Who am I without my child?” “What am I going to do with my time?” and “Why did it ever end?”

It’s a parent’s plight as children fly the coop and Empty Nest Syndrome takes root.

Flight “When my kids were little, someone told

Photos by Elliott Burr/Town Crier

Mountain View resident Dawn Bridges, above, admires a photo of her daughters.

Heather, 22, right, a recent California Lutheran University graduate, now lives at home. Bridges’ younger daughter, Haley, pictured left in the frame above, left home for Arizona State University last month. me to spend each day like they are leaving tomorrow, because it will come so fast,” said Los Altos Hills resident Angela Sanders.

But that didn’t prepare Sanders for her daughter’s flight to UC Berkeley in 2003.

“In high school, Kelly would be up at 4 a.m. to swim, home at 6:30 p.m., eat dinner, do homework, go to bed,” Sanders said. “We didn’t have much of that time together. Our time was precious.”

Sanders and her husband, Matthew, were already accustomed to bouts of time without her while Kelly was away on goodwill missions to Africa and Tibet. And they still had their son, Evan, at home.

“We kind of made a pact that we would not call or go visit Kelly (when she first left home),” Sanders said. “But it’s difficult for mothers with daughters. You miss them.”

See EMPTY NEST, Page 6

fter months of exclusive negotiations behind closed doors, the city of Los Altos solidified an agreement to sell the property at the intersection of First and Main streets in downtown Los Altos.

The Los Altos City Council Sept. 14 unanimously approved an Option to Purchase agreement with the Jeffrey A. Morris Group for the cityowned parcel at 230 First and 400 Main streets.

In lieu of an outright sale, the Option to Purchase agreement allows city officials to retain control of the property through the public design review process, according to James Walgren, assistant city manager and community development director.

A vacant consignment store and adjoining dry-cleaning business located on the approximately 34,175-square-foot See FIRST & MAIN, Page 7

Safeway plan nearly doubles its size

By Jana Seshadri Town Crier Staff Writer

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21,000-square-foot store was built in 1967.

“We’ll have all the departments in the new store,” said See Page 5 Deborah Karbo, real estate manager for Safeway.

Although councilmembers took no specific action, they offered their comments on the building design and the parking plan.

Councilmembers Megan Satterlee and Ron Packard said the design looked “too urban” for the village Courtesy of Safeway look and feel of Los Altos but expressed excitement Safeway officials unveiled architectural renderings for a new 41,575-square-foot market, featuring rooftop parking and adabout the upcoming project. ditional retail space, to replace its current 21,000-square-foot See SAFEWAY, Page 5 building on First Street, built in 1967.

First Street utility-cable undergrounding begins.

fter shopping for decades at an old, rundown store, Los Altos residents could finally get their wish for a new and improved Safeway on First Street, pending a public review process and final approval by the Los Altos City Council.

At a study session Sept. 14, the city council reviewed a preliminary conceptual plan for a new 41,575-square-foot market with rooftop parking and 4,800 square feet of additional retail space at Safeway’s current location at 160 First St. The existing

Cover Story Main Street Cafe & Books owner Jamie Tomaselli, left, said that after processing strong emotions in the wake of her daughter’s departure for college, she’s found more time to operate her business and pursue activities.

Dawn Bridges, below, assembles a puzzle with her daughter Heather at their home in Mountain View. Heather recently graduated from college and returned home to live.

Photos by Elliott Burr/Town Crier

EMPTY NEST From Page 1

Sue Thomson, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Altos, said patients consult her when they’re feeling depressed or unhappy.

“People don’t call and necessarily say they have Empty Nest Syndrome,” she said. “But once the youngster leaves, there’s a huge hole.”

As a single parent, Main Street Cafe & Books owner Jamie Tomaselli wasn’t quite prepared for the flood of emotion she experienced after dropping off her daughter, Alexis Lakey, at San Francisco State University.

“Everybody told me I was going to get the Empty Nest Syndrome,” Tomaselli said. “She’s been my focus for 18 years.”

But Tomaselli didn’t feel the emptiness until she returned home after leaving Alexis at school.

“I sobbed the most painful sobs I’ve ever cried,” she said.

At a high school function the next day, Tomaselli discovered other parents had experienced the same emotions.

“We all had to wear dark glasses,” she said. “We all went through that same thing the first evening.”

According to Thomson, many parents, particularly mothers who have stayed home to focus on their children’s needs, said the early days of empty-nesting represent a huge transition that sparks self-reflective questions about their roles and value.

“From being a director in a child’s life, you become an occasional consultant,” she said. “All

of a sudden, they have a lot more people to ask for advice, and they’re not asking you.”

“Empty Nest Syndrome” is the term assigned to the depression, sadness or grief parents feel when children leave the home, according to Psychology Today.

“It’s not a term found in a diagnostic manual,” Thomson said. “It’s a loss of the way your family was.”

After Sanders’ son left for college three years ago, the house quieted down. From navigating the interactions between her serious and analytical daughter and her joking and teasing son to the empty bedrooms above, she felt their absence.

“I didn’t share those feelings. I would avoid going upstairs,” Sanders said. “But they have to learn independence to be adults – there are certain things they have to learn.

And (I) had to learn to find the bright side of things.”

Fight Mountain View resident Dawn Bridges, a licensed marriage and family therapist and high school student advocate counselor, knows what families go through when children leave home.

“The first one leaving was really hard,” Bridges said of her now 22-year-old daughter Heather, who recently graduated from California Lutheran University. “The family was changing for the first time. For the second, I was more prepared.”

It’s a paradox for parents. The goal in parenting is to raise independent and self-sufficient adults, Bridges said.

“All of sudden, it’s gone in a flash,” she said. “And then there’s self-reflection – did we do our job

Page 6 / Los Altos Town Crier / September 22, 2010

as a parent?”

While parents are contemplating the past, children may be paving the way to the future, making it easier for parents to appreciate their eventual absence.

“Some parents feel relief,” Thomson said. “Children act more rebellious – they push off with great vigor.”

It happened to Bridges.

“It’s a pattern. It becomes a tiffy relationship,” Bridges said. “Children are getting ready to leave, parents are in a clinging mode – it’s two opposing forces. On one hand, (the children) are excited to be leaving. On the other hand, it’s a little scary, too. At least I knew what was going on.”

Thomson said it’s good for parents to remember their children are also in transition.

“There’s an adjustment for everyone in the family,” she said.

Tomaselli has accepted the change.

“The good thing is, you know they are where they should be,” she said. “Knowing (Alexis) is unbelievably happy makes it easier.”

And some parents enjoy the

emptiness. They’re free from having to prepare meals and suddenly have time for personal thoughts, reflection, activities – there’s more flexibility in their schedules.

Los Altos resident Maria Murphy Lonergan dropped off her daughter, Kate, at Wellesley College in Boston a month ago.

“I’m one of the lucky ones.

Instead of feeling sad like many parents, I’m excited and energized about what my kids are doing,” she said. “I do keep the doors to the bedrooms closed – that’s the one caveat.”

And Lonergan enjoys the freedom from cooking meals.

“My husband and I get to indulge in a lot of noneating,” she said.

For those facing gaps of time left empty of parental duties – “Try to create a life for yourself,” Thomson said.

Fresh Bridges made a point of taking on more responsibility at work and filled her social calendar. Sanders put in more hours on her hobbies, creating watercolor paintings and

mosaic art pieces.

“We have a little spontaneity to do things and travel – we couldn’t do that before,” Lonergan said of her new stage of life with her husband, Bill.

It’s also a time for couples to refocus attention on each other, Thomson said.

Sanders said she and Matthew had to relearn what attracted them to each other.

“Now, you’re totally focusing on each other,” Sanders said. “It was a little strange at first. Now we’re biking, walking together after dinner, we share activities with friends.”

Time is definitely a luxury Tomaselli is enjoying, with extra hours she’s now able to put in at the gym.

“There are no (car) dropoffs, I don’t have to prepare meals,” she said. “I’m starting to open up different doors for myself.”

One of those doors may be extending her cafe’s business hours into the evening.

Lonergan said she and Bill have always enjoyed each other’s company, but they had a taste of the empty nest a couple of years ago when her older son, Chris, left for the University of San Diego and daughter Kate was appointed as a congressional page and spent part of her junior year of high school in Washington, D.C. “We took a six-week trip to Europe,” she said. “I’m hopeful we’ll be able to pull that off again.”

Clipped wings So, you just get comfortable with your new life, adjust to the empty bedrooms, cozy with hubby or honey and, bam, a child returns home See EMPTY NEST, Page 7

iF it’S not in thiS VAult, it’S not SAFe.

Cover Story

ELLIOTT BURR/TOWN CRIER

Sue Thomson, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Altos, said Empty Nest Syndrome is “a loss of the way your family was.”

EMPTY NEST From Page 6

with a degree, bag and baggage.

“It’s called the ‘Boomerang Generation,’” Thomson said.

It happened to Bridges.

“The economy is making a big difference in that,” Bridges said. “I was an empty-nester for 24 hours.”

After seeing her younger daughter, Haley, off to Arizona State University last month, her elder daughter, Heather, returned, pedigreed and – one of the lucky ones – gainfully employed in her field of study.

It’s more than a trend, according to information on the thefiscaltimes.com Web site, which cited an AFL-CIO survey that estimated one-third of workers under 34 live

FIRST & MAIN From Page 1

property were recently demolished and the land cleared for development. It is currently zoned Commercial Retail Sales, to accommodate a building with a 30-foot height limit for commercial use that permits retail on the ground floor.

The Morris Group plans to develop a two-story commercial building with retail and office uses and an underground parking structure, according to Walgren.

While most speakers supported the council’s decision, some disapproved of the seemingly secretive manner in which negotiations were conducted and of the agreement, which they said could delay development on an important gateway to downtown.

City Attorney Jolie Houston and Walgren emphasized that negotiations with Morris were legal and underwent a lengthy public hearing process, which began in early 2008 with approval from the planning commission and property appraisal.

with their parents. And those are the ones with jobs.

Bridges said she enjoys having Heather back, and for others in that position, it’s important to respect the new relationship between parent and child.

Recently, Bridges admonished Heather when she ordered a regular coffee instead of decaf late at night.

Heather gracefully changed her order but later gently chided Mom that she was old enough to choose which coffee to drink.

“It’s easy to fall back into that different dynamic,” she said. “It’s good to have a conversation about that.”

From grief to gravy Thomson said it’s natural for parents to feel depressed after children leave, it’s similar to mourning City officials distributed nearly 800 Request for Proposals and received five proposals that they rejected due to lack of compliance.

The city received Morris’ proposal late last year, and negotiations began early this year, Walgren said.

Councilman Ron Packard contended that the agreement would afford the developer sufficient time to pursue a plan to approach a large national retailer to lease a portion of the space.

Councilwoman Megan Satterlee said she “would love to see a shovel on the ground tomorrow, but getting a national retailer takes longer, and we are very cognizant of all the risks involved.

“This aligns with our general plan and goals, and the public benefit is clear,” she added.

According to the agreement, city officials and Morris have settled on a purchase price of $3.1 million for the parcel, with plans to construct a two-story, 31,000 square-foot building. The price will be renegotiated subject to project changes, the agreement states. In addition to the purchase price, the agreement stipulates time and payment sched-

after someone dies.

“They should give themselves a few months to grieve,” she said.

But if a parent can’t stop crying, experiences excessive anger and irritability and is constantly ruminating, it’s time to seek help.

“I think it’s sometimes a good idea to talk to a therapist about those issues so they don’t become big issues,” Thomson said.

It didn’t take Tomaselli long to get over her grief after Alexis returned for a visit over Labor Day weekend – the house was spotless before she came.

“I said, ‘Oh my goodness – it’s like a hurricane hit the house,’” Tomaselli said. “I asked her when was she leaving.”

Sanders said she’s accustomed to her new life as she and Matthew prepare for a trip to Turkey and Israel – his first getaway in 25 years.

“This is our first vacation without our children,” she said. “We’ve never done that.”

And Kelly and Evan are happy for them.

“I still miss them,” Sanders said of her children. “But everybody’s doing their own little thing.”

But no matter where they are, keep the lines of communication open to your children.

“Talk,” she said. “It is OK to say ‘I love you.’”

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Contact Mary Beth Hislop at marybethh@latc.com. ules to which the developer must adhere.

The developer would have to secure design review approval and building permits before the deal is official, Walgren said. The process would include public design review meetings before the architecture and site review committee, the planning commission and the city council.

Several spoke in support of the agreement.

“Thank God we have a proposal before us,” said Chuck Geschke, a Los Altos resident. “We’ve been living across from that eyesore for 15 years.”

“This is a great start to our downtown development,” said Nancy Dunaway, executive director of the Los Altos Village Association.

Dan Brunello, downtown business owner, pointed out that the downtown area needs some momentum, which this development could provide, and urged councilmembers to move forward with the project.

“This is exactly what the downtown needs,” Brunello said.

Contact Jana Seshadri at janas@latc.com.

September 22, 2010 / Los Altos Town Crier / Page 7