ISSUE 9532
trivial ‘We just love TV!’
ONLY
13p
TV March 14th - 20th 2014 Issue 9532 13p
13p!
www.trivialtv.co.uk
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Phil Mitchell mask! Conditions apply
GUESS WHO’S JOINING BIG BROTHER!? Do you care? Probably not, but you will watch it anyway
TV that you love
‘The Queue’ TV’s hottest new reality show
2014 Rabbit Olympics!
BGT IS BACK!
Laugh at people you don’t know!
COME TO CUMBERNAULD
-Don’t actually visit CumbernauldThere is a high possibility that you may become depressed and wake up without any money and shoes.
LOTS OF GOOD
TV TO WATCH
The Socks of Success 19th March 7:00pm An in depth documentary following Dragons Den tall guy Peter Jones and how his high, vibrant socks gained him his millionaire status, but also caused controversy back in 2011 where various unpaid tax return forms were stuffed into one of his socks and were discovered by Andy ‘Binman’ Woods the local bin man.
GrindGear MON-FRI*
GrindGear 16th,17th,18th,19th & 20th
8:00pm
Watch your favourite TopGear episodes, the overdrawn challenges and general car banter, with grindcore backing music to drown out the boring and slightly racist remarks from Jeremy Clarkson & the boys.
THURSDAY
*GrindGear won’t be shown on Tuesday due to clashing
The Sloths 20th March 4:30pm
FRIDAY
Sitcom, following the daily lives of a family of sloths, that are all voiced by Andi Peters. John Sloth is ready to move on to bigger and better things but his wacky brother, Jim Sloth, unexpectedly turns up and mayhem occurs.
DON’T
TUESDAY
That’s Marmite 17th March 9:00pm Ex footballer David Ginola explores the history of his favourite British sandwich spread, Marmite. He looks into the manufacturing process and asks the question ‘What would Britain be like today if it wasn’t for Marmite?’
MISS
SATURDAY SATURDAY1414Mar Mar
CH 2
CH 1 6:00
Ceefax with Celebrities Wake up in the morning and be greeted by still images of your favourite Hollywood actors in true Ceefax style, combined with cheesy lounge music.
10:00
11:00
12:00 10:00
Morning Breakfast Head News
Honey, I Shrunk Martin Lawrence
13:30
Comedy. Martin Lawrence stars in the spin off of Honey I Shrunk The Kids. When Martin Lawrence (played by Martin Lawrence) accidently buys a cursed toaster, he travels forward in time to the year 4000 and meets an evil professor that shrinks him. Martin Lawrence must find a way back home and finally eat his toast! (500mins, 2012, 15, HD) Rating
19:30 Question Time Hosted by Jim Davidson
This nights edition of Question Time is hosted by everyones favourite Big Break ex host and full time homophobe, Jim Davidson. Jim will not be joined by guests but instead will be seated alone in front of an audience who will be paid to heckle and insult him to the point where he suffers a mental breakdown.
SATURDAY 14 Mar
Soho Olympics
All the action from this year’s London media olympics, introduced by Steve Rider.
17:00
CH 3 10:00
The boys from the local boozer discuss their favourite episodes of Dad’s Army.
Daily Mail Island
Another edition of the amazing social experiment in which volunteers are stranded on a remote island without access to any other form of media apart from the Daily Mail.
Lad’s Army
12:00
Stop That! with Richard Blackwood
Series where Richard Blackwood lends a helping hand to poverty stricken families in the midlands. This week, Richard forcefully stops a family from buying over priced bread.
Huw Edwards reports the morning news by running around a garden with various cereal boxes on his head.
11:00
SATURDAY SATURDAY14 14Mar Mar
13:00
A High Workout
Join the ever charismatic character that is Mr.Motivator and his workout routines on precariously high environments. This week, Cheddar Gorge.
Puddle Lane with John Goodman John Goodman reads his favourite selection of Puddle Lane, children books in an abandoned warehouse in Skegness.
Flipping all the way Family comedy/drama/Arnie classic. The spiritual sequel to Jingle All The Way. Howard (Arnold Schwarzenneger) travels to England to meet his estranged daughter who enters him in the prestigious ‘Father daughter pancake flipping’ contest for them to reignite their relationship, but Howard is worried due to a rare phobia of pancakes. Will he overcome his fear for the sake of building a relationship with his daughter? (200mins, 2014, 12, HD) Rating
9:30
Friends
The one where something happens.
10:00 Friends
The one where Joey eats a pizza.
10:30 Friends
The one where Joey eats another pizza
11:00 Friends
The one that is quite long.
14:00 Friends
The one with the coffee.
14:30 Friends
The one where the gang take the piss out of Ross, about his passion for dinosaurs.
15:00 Friends
The one where Chandler laughs.
15:30 Friends
The one that you have seen before.
16:00 Friends
The really long one.
14:00
The Vietnam War in 3D
Six years in the making, this harrowing documentary makes powerful use of previously unseen stereoscopic footage shot by pioneering amateur cameramen to bring the tragic conflict to life in ways more mind-blowingly brilliant than ever before. Next week The Holocaust in Smell-O-Vision.
CH 4
00:30
Legends of Cinema Re-enactments: The Chuckle Brothers
20:00 Friends
The one where Joey eats a pizza.
This weeks edition of Legends of Cinema Re-enactments focuses on the comdey duo of The Chuckle Brothers and their favourite director, Oliver Stone. The Chuckle Brothers will be reenacting every Oliver Stone movie with only themselves playing each role. Next week, Dean Gaffney tackles his favourite directors work, The Wayans Brothers.
20:30 Friends
Regional News
21:35 Friends
News or something
The one where Monica does something high maintenance.
21:00 News at nine 21:05 Friends
The one where Phoebe is wacky
Friends non stop marathon - The one where every episode shown today is shown again without any advert breaks.
SATURDAY SATURDAY1414Mar Mar
SUNDAY 15 Mar
CH 2
CH 1 9:30
We Can Sell That!
10:15
David & Tina from Glasgow have been hoarding pornography magazines since the 70s and have amassed a huge collection, but have struggled to find a prospective buyer. The ‘We can sell that!’ team steps in and lends a helping hand. Hosted by Terry Venables
Songs of Praise Featuring Kraftwerk
Eastenders Omnibus The Queen Vic gets prepared to welcome in its new owner, but to everyones surprise it turns out to be nothing more than a cardboard cut out of Ray Winstone. Also Ian runs into a spot of trouble as he accidentally buys five apples more than he intended to buy at the market. How will he get rid of these unwanted apples?
20:00
5port! NEW 5port is a new show that pits together two teams of sweaty software coders against eachother. This week ‘Team <alpha>’ from Sussex take on ‘Team <beta>’ from London, in an intense battle of screen staring and mouse clicking.
SUNDAY 15 Mar
11:00 Kent In A Wheelbarrow Join David Dickinson as he travels around Kent in a wheelbarrow. David has to solely rely on the good hearts of the residents of Kent to push him from Dover to Edenbridge in under 20 days. If he fails to do so, he will be immediately exported from the UK to an unknown location.
My Chair, My Uncle
CH 4 6:00 Celeb Big Brother Launch!! Tommy Doughnuts (2013 Big Brother third place) presents the newest series of Celeb Big Brother. Big Brother has been up to its old tricks once again. This time there is only one room in the entire house! How will 40 ‘celebrities’ cope, in this claustrophobic environment?
12:00 Celeb Big Brother Live
A young boy loses his uncle to cancer but his spirit possess a garish pig-chair that the boy despises.
This weeks edition of Songs of Praise features the electronic group Kraftwerk. The boys from Kraftwerk will take to the alter with their setup and will go through their back catalogue of hits, whilst the old crowd pulsate and belt out their favourite hymns. Hosted by Terry Venables
13:30
Futile Age Denial
CH 3
Increasingly saggy and decrepit males in their thirties parade from the doorways of production houses dressed in clothes that make anyone other than a thin youngster look like a fat neurotic clown.
11:30 11:30
SUNDAY 15 Mar
Live action from the house
13:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
13:00
12:30
Cow Watching The local farmers of Hayden Farm gather and watch a herd of cows get on with their daily routine. Music by M83
17:00
21:30 Late Night Cow Watching We once again join the farmers of Hayden Farm, but in this edition after dark. Nightvision goggles are required to view this programme
15:00 Celeb Big Brother Live
Ex Tory prime minister John Major gathers his posse of Conservatives to a forest in Yorkshire where they hunt badgers in the wild and later on eat the evidence.
16:00 Celeb Big Brother Live
Live action from the house
Live action from the house
16:00 Celeb Big Brother Live 16:45
Saving Primate Ryan Acclaimed Spielberg war epic re-enacted by the chimpanzees from the popular series of PG Tips television adverts. (140 mins, 2011, 18, HD) Rating
Snoop Lion’s Sports Day Snoop Lion visits a local primary school in Basildon to once again take part in the annual sports day. Snoop is struggling for 100% fitness after competing in too many egg and spoon races. Last in series
Badger Baiting With John Major
Live action from the house
17:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
19:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
19:00
21:00
Morse Code News At 7 Trevor McDonald presents this evenings news purely through Morse Code
Simply Red - A Bio
Mick Hucknall reads another extract from his infamous auto biography. This time Mick explains how ‘Simply Red’ were nearly named ‘Simply Blue’
21:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
22:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
22:00 Celeb Big Brother Live Live action from the house
SUNDAY 15 Mar
Where would we be, if we didn’t have television?
FREE PHIL MITCHELL MASK!! Become Britains favourite fictional ‘ard man, with this great Phil Mitchell mask
Say your favourite quotes! ‘Do you want some? do ya? eh?’ ‘Oiii!!’ ‘Naah Peggy’ ‘I’ve been bloomin’ shot aint I?!
Instructions 1. Cut along dotted line 2. Pierce holes in both eyes
trivial Britain’s favourite TV magazine
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4. Glass a stranger
Official EastEnders Merchandise
MONDAY 16 Mar
CH 2
CH 1 7:00
Barking Mad Police comedy caper. John Travolta plays rookie cop Mike Law, who is involved in a serious car crash with his sidekick police dog. The resulting injuries leave Mikes body beyond repair and his dogs face badly disfigured, so a hi-tech medical team decide to surgically laser Mike’s face onto his dog. (80 mins, 2009, PG, HD) Rating
MONDAY 16 Mar
8:00
Beat The Monkey Noel Edmunds presents a game show in which contestants face off against a highly intelligent chimp.
10:00
CH 3 9:00
11:00
3. Because they just are.
Tim Stampz & His Stamps Renown stamp collecter Tim Stampz discusses his favourite stamp collections. This week Tim goes into unnecessary detail about his prized, rare Frank Bruno collection.
New Dad News Fathers from around the UK talk about how their life has drastically altered and how depressing everything has become due to the fact that have recently become new dads.
Why Are Rocks Cool?
13:00
Hooky Art With Abu Hamza
14:00 Jimmy Hill & The Giant Chin
8:20
13:00
16:00
Hulk Hogan’s Morning News
The mornings news reported from Hulk Hogan, while he sits in the bath.
Electric Baby Race 3000
Game show where new born babies have been fitted with electric motors to accelerate them at sonic speeds. Baby Josh won last weeks race due to all other participants malfunctioning, but can he retain his lead this week?
Rabbit Olympics 2014 The annual Rabbit Olympics held in Bristol gets under way.
17:00
Thriller. Football pundit Jimmy Hill wakes up one day to discover that to his horror, he has awoken on a giant floating Jimmy Hill head. Regular Jimmy Hill is stranded on the enormous 400ft chin and has to find a way home so that he can do some football punditry for an unknown East Anglian radio station. (130 mins, 2008, 12, HD) Rating
22:00 Rabbit Olympics: Cross Country 23:00 Rabbit Olympics: 6x6 Relay
MONDAY 16 Mar
Join everyone’s favourite al-Qaeda supporter, Abu Hamza, as he recreates famous paintings. Abu has fashioned his own style by dipping his hook into cheap Crayola kids paint and then frantically swipes and scrapes at a blank canvas to make his masterpiece in under 10 minutes.
20:00
Predetermined Russian Roulette
Grind Gear
NEW Tonights episode features the classic challenge to the North Pole. Backing music by Pig Destroyer
Shout Court Genuine legal disputes settled according to which side can bellow their version of events the loudest
11:30 Jamie vs Gordon Jamie Oliver faces Gordon Ramsay in another pointless challenge. This time around both Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay have to some how make a Cordon Bleu with the only ingredients being a pebble; a mashed up sandwich recovered from the skip outside of a Lidl and a copy of Home Improvement on VHS.
19:00
Hilarious prank TV show where unexpected cat owners have their beloved pet stolen and forcefully made to wear silly types of shoes. The cat is then returned to the owner with priceless results.
18:00 The Boy With An Arse For A Face
The Old Home Incredible high definition close up shots of the residents of Sunny Apple Care home. This week the crew follows around 93 year old Bill as he slops and slurps his bland lunch, forgets what is going on and is frightened by the camera crew who consistently point a £20,000 camera in his face.
So much ‘gun fun’, with two participants playing Russian Roulette with six live rounds and no empty chamber.
Rabbit Olympics: Opening Ceremony
9:00
13:45 Cats With Shoes
15:45
16:30
CH 4
Ainsley Harriott Night Screen A series of photos of Ainsley Harriott looking seductive, played throughout the night.
Distressing documentary about 12 year old Steven Harris who was born with the rare condition ‘Arse Face Syndrome’. Steven has had to put up with years of bullying and even his own family can’t take him seriously.
MONDAY 16 Mar
TUESDAY 17 Mar
CH 2
CH 1 8:00
12:00
An Interview With A Giraffe David Attenborough tries his hardest to create a formal interview with a disinterested giraffe at London Zoo.
Silent News At Noon George Alagiah presents the news completely in silence. The audience has to guess what stories are being reported purely from George Alagiah’s minimal facial expressions.
14:00 Nans In The Attic John and Amy have had both of their nans in their attic for the previous four years and have finally decided it is time to auction them off, in hope to raise enough money for a villa in the Costa del Sol.
16:00 The Clay Killing Fields Rushed and really bad looking claymation interpretation, of the horrific story of the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia.
18:00 The Adventures Of Charles Clarke Madcap animated fun with the former Labour party MP. This week, Charles Clarke becomes very flustered as his tie gets stuck in his toaster.
9:00
The Chair John McEnore presents the gameshow where he straps contestants into ‘The Chair’ and then proceeds to ask impossible to answer questions, which then makes him more and more agitated as the show goes on. In the finale he smashes his tennis racket on their head.
CH 3 8:00
Good Morning - Francis Bacon The best way to start your morning with the entire collection of an artists work played at high speed with distressing sound effects. This week features the disturbing imagery of Francis Bacon.
12:00
The Big Fight! It’s that time of the week again. It is what everyone has been waiting for. It’s The Big Fight! This weeks edition features John McCririck’s bout with a 500lb silverback gorilla, that is an expert in Taekwondo and is also armed with a 9mm pistol.
11:30 My Favourite Casio Ex pro skater Tony Hawks discusses in excruciating detail, his favourite Casio calculators.
13:00 Outrageous!
15:00 My Big Rubber Hand Family comedy. Mr Spring (Rob Schneider) is an accident prone fellow, and his luck doesn’t get any better when one unfortunate day he gets his hand ripped off by a combine harvester, and then has to get a big joke rubber hand as a replacement. (90 mins, 1998, U, HD) Rating
16:30 High Potato
8:00
James Corden Is Stuck In A Well Four hours of the notoriously annoying James Corden stuck in a well, calling for help in the middle of Horton Kirby.
12:00 Celeb Big Brother Live feed from the house. They are all probably either sleeping, eating, talking about their shit failed careers or moaning about something frivolous.
16:00 Life In A Day: Rik Waller
16:45 The Queue
19:00
Let ‘Em Ride! Entertainment programme where helpless toddlers are chained to pissed off wild horses. Presented by Idi Amin’s ghost
Past Labour prime minister Gordon Brown scales the Shanghai Tower and throws a bucket of King Edward potatoes off the top onto unsuspecting pedestrians.
NEW David Ginola continues his fascination with the British sandwich spread. David becomes frustrated as he learns that the secret ingredient of Marmite is loneliness.
CH 4
Documentary. All shot within a single day, this feature follows the daily routine of man-walrus Rik Waller and what kind of activities he gets up to. (45 mins, 2011, PG, HD) Rating
Crazy and wild prank show. Presented by Jamie Dickhead
21:00 That’s Marmite
TUESDAY 17 Mar
TUESDAY 17 Mar
21:00
Talking To The Dead Bernard Manning Foolproof spirit medium Derek Acorah, manages to talk to the bloated, racist and unfunny ‘comedian’ Bernard Manning.
NEW Hot new reality show that follows a group of tutting middle aged bores that love criticising every aspect of life in Britain, whilst waiting in a queue. Steve and Paul can’t believe that they have been in line for 10 minutes to buy a book of over priced stamps.
19:00 I Might Be Desperate Reality show where a bunch of ex TV personalities gather together and brain storm awful ideas to get their names back in the media spot light once again. Robert Kilroy Silk and Les Dennis decide that blacking themselves up, sprinting through Bond street and screeching at tourists, is a brilliant plan that will give them that all important front page headline.
TUESDAY 17 Mar
WEDNESDAY 18 Mar CH 1 7:00 Staring At Trees With David Duchovny David Duchovny gormlessly stares at his favourite oak and pine tress for hours on end, without uttering one word.
10:00 I Don’t Like The Look Of Them! Classic sitcom Some new neighbours move next door to the notoriously racist Brian. Brian goes over to welcome his new neighbours but then finds out that they are of Hispanic descent. Hilarity ensues as Brian becomes more stressed, which all builds up to his well loved catchphrase ‘I don’t like the look of them!’
12:00 Wayne Rooney And The Spiritual Quest Wayne Rooney attempts to find his inner peace by temporarily becoming a nomad and has a kick about with the Dalai Lama.
14:00 Britain’s Got Talent - Raw Britain’s got talent is back! But this time the rules have changed and the only contestants that are allowed are ex convicts and drug addicts. Steve ‘The Knife’ wows the judges by expressing how mercilessly he can slice members of the audiences throats. This guy could be a contender!
20:00
Grind Gear NEW Tonights episode features the hilarious time Paul McKenna hypnotised Richard Hammond. Backing music by Fuck The Facts
WEDNESDAY 18 Mar
CH 2 8:00 Obligatory Morning Nonsense A binge of early morning rubbish apparently being pumped out by a machine.
12:00 Spinny News At Noon Huw Edwards presents todays news all the while spinning in his office chair shouting ‘WAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHA!!!’
14:00 The Morgue Puppet Show A team of soulless bastards enter a morgue after dark to attach strings and a series of pulleys to various corpses, to re-enact their favourite scenes from Coronation Street.
16:00 Kriss Akabusi: Behind The Smile A unsettling documentary looking deep into the psyche of Kriss Akabusi. Former sprint and hurdle athlete Kriss Akabusi has fallen off the radar in recent years but nobody can really understand why. We establish that Kriss is actually an overlord of ‘Neptune 10219’ (a galaxy made up by Kriss) and also find out that his signature catchphrase ‘AWOOGA’ is him trying to contact his fellow alien friends. Basically Kriss is mentally disturbed due to the fact he has consumed over 5000 litres of Lucozade in his life time and this documentary is essentially pure exploitation.
WEDNESDAY 18 Mar CH 3 7:00 Pingu & The KKK Todays is Pingu’s birthday and his one wish of being able to join the Klu Klux Klan may finally become true.
11:45 Britain’s Favourite Peadophile Controversial challenge series. The first of a three-day grand final sees judges Mick Johnson and Peter Anderson upping the stakes for the remaining peados with the ‘Naughty bag of sweets’ challenge.
12:00 Confused News At Noon Mark Austin presents the news at noon but is suffering from a bad come down and just vacantly stares at the teleprompter for 5 hours straight.
17:00 Puzzles Of The Mind
CH 4 7:00 Celeb Big Brother Watch grainy footage with a slight green hue, of people you most likely think you are better than, squirm around in bed.
13:00 Vernon Kay Glitch TV 7 hours of footage of Vernon Kay rubbing his legs saying “Next up Hollyoaks” stuck on a loop.
20:00 I Am Big Horror. Mr Q (Ronnie Corbett) lives alone and gets bullied about his height from the neighbours kids daily. One day the spirit of Gary Coleman pays Mr Q a visit and savagely stretches out his legs with his ‘leg stretching machine’. Mr Q, now 8 foot, starts to plot his revenge. (60 mins, 1999, 18, HD) Rating
Painful to watch gameshow, where thick people try and attempt to complete child’s puzzles. Presented by Dane Bowers
19:00 Just How Are Bricks Made? The monotonous duo of Michael Owen and Tim Henman once again try to answer questions that nobody really cares about. This week they travel to Sheffiled to look into the tedious process it takes for house bricks to be produced.
21:00 Gawky Eyed Arseholes Watch loads of pricks gobble down handfuls of mad chemicals and listen to repetitive electronic thumping and buzzing noises played by ‘DJ Brok3n Microwav3’ . Presented by Jamie Dickhead
WEDNESDAY 18 Mar
THURSDAY 19 Mar
CH 2
CH 1 7:00
Morning!
7:00
Lovely Shiny Things
11:00
My Husband The Rocking Horse
14:00
Get The Water! Gameshow where five participants volunteer to go to the Atacama Desert, thinking they are taking part in some kind of holiday programme but the reality is that the camera and production crew abandon them to fight to survive over one bottle of water.
17:00
19:00
20:00 Grind Gear NEW Tonights episode features just pure car banter from the boys. Backing music by Napalm Death
THURSDAY 19 Mar
A posh man in a tweed jacket twiddles his silly moustache whilst clearly judging the viewers breakfast habits.
10:30
Stephen Hawking In Space
13:30
7:00
I Like This Show
15:00
The Expendables Twice Action thriller. The creaky, aging Hollywood actors of that of Sylvester Stallone and Mickey Rourke star in this ludicrously explosive movie that is going to be shown twice, back to back for no apparent reason. (115 mins, 2010, 18, HD) Rating
19:00
Celebrity Medical Camp 15 ‘celebrities’ are sent to Jordan to visit a basic medical camp after being exposed to various strains of highly toxic substances.
21:00
Celebrity Prostate Check Live! In relation to Celebrity Medical Camp, Caroline Flack and Joe Swash present the bonus programme of Ross Kemp having his anus intruded by a Middle Eastern doctors index finger, live on air.
Confused Old Man News Watch an increasingly perplexed elderly fellow attempt to read the news.
13:00
¡Muchos Pollos! Wacky Spanish gameshow where contestants have to catapult frozen chickens at eachother until there is only one person standing.
15:00 Celeb Big Brother A quick glimpse of Jo Brand getting out of the shower and Keith Chegwin and Timmy Mallet have a full on fist fight, over who ate the last remaining bit of Nutella.
I like TV. I like this. I like the people who made this. I like people who like this.
Still Bothering? A still image of a middle finger and a chimpanzee masturbating are played at high speed throughout the duration of the night.
CH 4
Stephen Hawking has his dream come true of being shot out of a high powered cannon into space, where he is allowed to float freely until the end of time.
Art Attack Breakdown Recently released from a mental institute, Neil Buchanan creates a self portrait by covering his face in PVA glue, acrylic paint and his own shit, then slams it down on a blank canvas.
21:00
Condescending Breakfast
Heil Honey I’m Home! Sitcom based on the homelife of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun and how they deal with their Jewish neighbours.
18:00 Gent Simulator Charming experiment in which viewers at home place a hat on top of their television set, then lift it up and down as the face of a kindly old gentleman repeatedly says ‘good day to you’ on screen.
7:00
U WOT?! Sub-human scumbag Steve ‘the boy’ Stevens, shows us his council flat and how he feeds his twenty children a diet of Strongbow and fags.
Documentary about a Caroline Wilmott who in 2005 married a rocking horse and states that it is the best thing that has ever happened to her.
16:00
When I Was a Lobster Chef Ken Hom tells made up anecdotes about his alternate life of when he lived as a lobster for twelve years.
Join Anneka Rice as she mindlessly grins at nonsensical tat at a shit boot fair.
14:00
Morning! (Cyborg Version)
CH 3
A cyborg Huw Edwards presents the mornings news just in his briefs, whilst doing squats.
Huw Edwards presents the mornings news just in his briefs, whilst doing squats.
11:00
THURSDAY 19 Mar
17:00
Underwater Chef Marco Pierre White attempts to cook his signature dish of peppered steak fillet with mushroom sauce, whilst submerged in the Pacific ocean.
18:00 Celeb Big Brother
Shit! Did you see that?! Some American Z-list celebrity that resembles a handbag with Playdoh stuck onto it just yawned! Quick press rewind on your Sky remote!
19:00 The Socks Of Success Documentary. Peter Jones literally eats pound coins every day for lunch. He is so fucking rich he has no idea what to do most of the time, but what is the secret behind his mega riches? In his own words “My silly socks that reach my thigh, are my secret”. This documentary explores just how these socks work their magic.
THURSDAY 19 Mar
FRIDAY 20 Mar
CH 2
CH 1 7:00
Distracted News Huw Stephens presents the news whilst the camera and production crew all get their bums out to throw him off.
11:30 Animal Danger! Alex Zane discusses his favourite ‘animal enthusiast’ Steve Irwin, and attempts to recreate some of Steve’s most famous animal interactions. Alex decides to prod a black mamba to gauge a reaction, but pisses it off too much and in a result gets bitten, and due to having the frame of a 10 year old boy, dies almost instantaneously.
7:00
Fred Deceased serial killer Fred West presents his morning chat show. Stuffed with sawdust and strung up like a puppet, Fred talks to Boy George about his new album and cooks tomato risotto with Gino D’Acampo.
CH 3 7:00
Vegas - Live A live stream of sad individuals who endlessly gamble away their kids college funds. Hosted by Bob Hoskins.
12:00
Coffee Chat A group of smarmy shitheads gather at Starbucks and order over priced coffee with stupid names and discuss how ‘bloody smashed’ they got after a night out in Mayfair.
13:00 Nothing
Nothing but TV static for three and a half hours. Enjoy.
14:00
Things Mick Jagger Looks Like With official scientific statistics, this week we see the percentage of just how much Mick Jagger resembles a Toby Jug.
13:45 Pointless Nonsense Watch a man eat a whole tin of pineapple slices whilst he dribbles the syrupy juice down his chin.
FRIDAY 20 Mar
16:30 The Sloths
NEW Mildly amusing sitcom following a family of sloths all voiced by Andi Peters. The anarchic Jim Sloth turns up at the Sloth family household and causes unnecessary havoc.
15:00 I Am Amazing Bono reads his autobiography, cover to cover in front of an open fire whilst attempting to insert his entire head up his own arse.
20:00 Grind Gear NEW Another exciting episode of Top Gear with this time showing the Vietnam challenge episode. Backing music by Cripple Bastards
FRIDAY 20 Mar
Horror. People being interviewed for current affairs and arts programmes steal unnerving sideways glances at the camera, as though they’ve suddenly spotted you watching them.
21:00 Anthea Turner On Quicksand Anthea Turner gives an in depth documentary on the history of quicksand, whilst slowly being devoured by a quicksand pit.
7:00
Irreverent News A disgruntled Jon Snow stands ontop of someones caravan whilst setting off fireworks and spitting on passers-by.
12:00 Wie Ich Deine Mutter Traf An episode of the ever popular How I Met Your Mother, dubbed in German with all the emphasis and comedic timing extracted and replaced by one monotone German voice actor.
13:00 Detoxify Yourself Gok Wan tries to help overweight people with low self esteem, to shed some pounds with his newest exercise regime that consists of using a pair of rusty garden shears to slice off excess fat.
16:00 The Guy Fawkes
16:00 Lottery Ticket Time 17:30 Don’t Look
CH 4
Dimwits queue up for a slice of the impossible dream.
19:00 People’s Person Show in which David Cameron visits bewildered old people in their homes, helps himself to the food in their fridge and uses the toilet but purposely doesn’t flush. This week sees David pay a visit to Glen and Hilda in Weymouth, where he pretends to listen about their concerns on the pension scheme and stamps on their flower bed.
Family comedy. Lionel Blair stars as the husband to be who is renown for ruining Guy Fawkes night. One year the a ghostly spectre of Guy Fawkes (played by Adam Sandler) pays him a visit and tells him that he must become Guy Fawkes and make himself a human effigy to make up for the previous years of messing it up. (60 mins, 1995, PG, HD) Rating
17:00 Celeb Big Brother - The Final! This is it. This is the final that everyone has been waiting for! But there is still one more surprise in store for the remaining housemates, a forty tonne nuclear bomb will be dropped on the house as soon as the winner is announced.
FRIDAY 20 Mar
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