Issue 44 by Jack Swan

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Editorial Race to Player of the Year Tates Tales Board sort it out The Swansea Way Football Forum Tips Swans Eleven Fantasy Football What the fans think Curtis Sacked? The Top 2 Inches Picture Quiz Jokes By Spense Mel’s Memories Pictures Of The Month Cryptic Quiz More From Spense Vital Information What Fans think Mind Puzzles

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Jack Swan Tries Things We Learned From Oxford Jack Swan Eats Food Do Not Go Gentle How To Advertise! Swaning Around The Universe Secret Breakfastear Parentless Parenting Quiz Answers

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Well I must admit that I was getting a little bit bored. We had become a mid-table Premier League team, we were comfortable and it was nice for a while wasn’t it but it is definitely time to have a bit of fun and a relegation scrap seems right up my street!

All of a sudden we have all woken up, we all care again! We are kicking every ball, we are slating everyone and we even have scapegoats!! Conspiracy theories! Some have turned on Huw, the whole board! Need investment? Alan Curtis a manager? Does he want it? Is he any good at it? If he is then why hasn’t he been in charge for the last thirty years? Its ugly, it’s messy, it is irritating but it is most definitely not boring! And boring is worse than anything isn’t it! Isn’t it? I think it probably is. As football goes anyway. We have had a ridiculous time over the last twelve years or so. Last day survival at Hull, followed by a fairly boring season but then we were either promoted or chasing the play-offs in every season until we got to the Premier League where we spent a couple of years worrying about relegation and then got hopelessly bored......Until now And I think we may be in a bit of trouble too. Harry Rednapp has piped us to go down and it is very difficult to argue with that prediction. We are desperate for a striker and he needs to come before you read this!! This is going to the printers the night of the Oxford game (awful, awful, awful) and we need a striker for Wednesday! It is the most important game that we have had in the Premier league; it is huge and we don’t have a striker!!

player costs £20 million now but would be £18 on January 31st then write the cheque now; just get him in!! But that is me and that is probably you and me and you are football fans and we are blindly stupid, just like most people actually and most chairpersons (how politically correct of me!!). We make rash decisions, we make decisions on the cuff but Huw doesn’t and that is what has made us different. He has a game plan, set rules for buying players and I fully expect that he will keep to it and with the exception of the last three months, his record has been incredible so we should be happy about that. It is funny how he has gone from being called smart and clever in the transfer market to being labelled as ‘tight’, it is all about results isn’t it! When we were winning then picking up Ayew and Gomis for nothing were genius but now it’s a major issue. We are going through a difficult time but we need to keep to our principles and be clear about what we do and how we do it because if we don’t then we start to become a Newcastle and we really don’t want that! Although, I don’t think there is much boredom with Newcastle fans. Maybe that is exactly what we need!! I hope you enjoy this issue. It was nice to be able to choose a cover again :) Cheers

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Watford on the weekend; we need to get four points minimum from those two games and we need someone who can actually score goals. It is no good bringing in a striker on January 31st if we lose both these games. Let’s face it, you’d pay £2 million to have a striker just for those two games and so if a

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Race to Player of the Year

These are the top three as it stands for the race to be Jack Swan player of the year! Taylor Curtis said a couple of weeks back that our left back had been our player of the year so far this season and it raised a few eyebrows but I must agree. Taylor is alright, he’s not special, he’s an average left back in the Premier League. He gives you everything and keeps things simple and will generally always give you a seven out of ten, never a nine but rarely a five. He is far from our best player when the team are playing well as the likes of Jonjo have the ability to get nines out of ten but when we are playing as badly as what we are right now then a 6.5 out of ten becomes our best player. I have slated him in the past and I wish I hadn’t because he is showing exactly what we want as fans. He’s giving his all and he’s working to the very best of his ability and we can’t ask for any more than that, if some of our other more talented players put in the effort that he did then we’d be laughing now. Leon When he has played he has been our best player. He just keeps going doesn’t he and we need to build our side around him once again. It is difficult to see how that midfield will line up, Ki and Cork are probably fighting for one place but I think we are back to the position where Leon is the first name on that team sheet and it is great to see. He recycles the ball so well and his anticipation is out of this world, he knows where the ball is going before it is there. He is up for the fight and I want him in the trenches with us. He survived Hull, I expect emotional team talks on that when things get close and he will help us survive this!! Great to see him back is the fold!! Ash He had a really wobbly patch before Christmas but he seems to have come through it and is now getting back to playing at his very best. We have been so lucky with this guy for years and we need to rely on him once again. I don’t think that it is a surprise that the top three players that I have chosen are all from our promotion team. These three and Rangel have been the players putting in the hard work and these are the players who will drag us over the line. I’m proud to support a team with these boys in it; others take note!

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Tates Tales

The next season wasn’t as successful and Kenny lost his job, did you feel it was the right decision at the time? Again it is hard because at that time then. Me and Kenny had grew to like each other and trust each other. Results weren’t great, looking back it probably was the right time, it was the right time for Kenny and for the club, Kenny was getting stick even when we were winning games and so you are struggling: where do you go from there? if you win one-nil at home and you are getting booed off.

Yeah we were, we were all close to Rob. Obviously me and Leon were there (when he was there as a player) and we all lived quite close to each other, none of our girlfriends had moved down and so we sort of lived in each other’s pockets, we’d go out for food, see each other regularly. Leon used to room with Rob and so we

So yeah I think it probably was the right time and looking back now, Kenny has gone onto bigger and better things and so has the club. How hard is it for a young player to see a manager go? I imagine that when your 30 and you’ve had 5 or 6 managers then it’s not such a big issue but when your career is on the up and then a big change like this happens then I guess it is a worry? It s hard especially when it is the manager that has brought you in. Someone like Darren Pratley, he’d brought him in at a young age and it was tough for him as he was only a kid at the time. For me it wasn’t as tough as with Brian because me and Kenny didn’t get off to a great start but as I said, we trusted each other at the end but it is one of those things which happen in football and you just have to get on with it. The rest is history though as Martinez got the post, how well did you know him then? Again, I know you played with him but you’d have been a teenager and I assume you wouldn’t have been that close back then?

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Tates Tales

all knew Rob quite well and so when he took over, the first thing he said to us when we played Yeovil was ‘it’s a bad thing for you that I know you better than any other person would’ and so straight away we were like right, we better knuckle down here. He knew us and we knew him. Was it more like the United way? Going right back to when big Rog told you to ‘f*ck off upfield’ you were now being told to take the ball off the keeper again? I think in that sense it was yeah, Rob knew how good we could be and he knew the players who could play football and he knew who couldn’t and he still has that philosophy today. The club have a lot to thank Roberto for as he was a massive influence, I think the club owe Roberto a lot.

another one? I don’t know because he never needed to. Obviously we had Joe Allen coming through but he was only 16 at the time but whether he could have gone out and picked someone else? He picked Ferrie and so..... I imagine that he probably could have yeah. For me Ferrie was a Premier league player playing in league one, his ability was ridiculous, he is probably one of the best midfielders which I have ever played with. On his day and when his head was right then he was brilliant. How nobody else had spotted him I have no idea, he could pick, a pass, control a game, score a

I regularly bang on about Leon Britton and I think that he played a huge role in our progression as not many people could do what he did and allow us to play the way we did in those leagues. Do you agree with that or do you think that Martinez could have just picked someone else? Could he have picked

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Tates Tales

goal, he wasn’t afraid to put a tackle in, he had a nasty side; Ferrie could have been a Premier league player for years, it baffled me that nobody had spotted him before and it was a league one club coming in for him. We just missed out on the play-offs that season after losing the final game 6-3 at home to Blackpool. Many of us fans will remember that game for one thing and one reason only; Joe Allen. Do you remember that? Were you aware of how good he was before that game? Yeah, I remember because I didn’t play. I’d been kicked in the eye in Carlisle away and they said that I needed four weeks because something had come away from the inside of my eye and they said that it needed to heal and I remember obviously watching the game and Joe coming on and we trained with him and knew he was a good player but he come on, the top looked way too big for him but he done ok yeah. More from Tatey next issue. If you have a photo of yourself and with him then send it into us on facebook and we will get you in the mag :)

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“The transfer of Michel Vorm was conducted and concluded correctly under Premier League rules,” a Swansea spokesman was quoted as saying to Sky Sports. “It was approved by the Premier League and also FIFA via their TMS (Transfer Matching System). “While we have been in contact with Utrecht as a matter of courtesy, we will continue to conduct our business in the best interest of our football club and our supporters, and not based on the views of other clubs.” As a supporter, let me say that I’m not happy with this!! We are in serious danger of totally losing our roots as a football club and this really bothers me. I remember a similar thing happening years ago with Peterborough, they had sold Mathew Etherington to Tottenham. An a couple of years later, Spurs were turning down bids of 4 or 5 million for the winger. Barry Fry and the Posh supporters waited excitedly as they were to get some much needed cash as the sell on clause stated that a percentage of any fee over £500,000 was to go to them (figures aren’t correct but you get the idea). This was back when we were a ‘small club’, smaller than Peterborough in fact and all clubs in the lower leagues were struggling for money, we’d have to sell anyone worth anything to balance the book. We’d compete with each other but there was also a bit of solidarity between clubs, as a lower league supporter I was usually

pleased to see other lower league clubs get a cash injection from a player sale; we all wanted to survive after all. Anyway, he ended up going to West Ham for £500,000. As a part of a deal which saw Jermain Defoe go the other way. I remember it well, I remember being outraged, I hated Spurs for it. Back then I couldn’t relate to Spurs in anyway and this was simply the big fish doing one over us little ones! Ten years on and we are the big club and we are now p*ssing on anyone and everyone that we can in order to save a few quid here and there. We had a great deal with Vorm, we signed him cheap, he played well for us and we then sold him for good profit. Why do we feel the need to squeeze this? Swansea City Football club isn’t t he club I fell in love with and to be honest I am surprised and disappointed with the board with this. If we are now a club with the motto of ‘money at all costs’ and bully the little guys then I’m not going with that! If the club can treat other clubs like this then where does it stop? Are us fans just cash cows? Is that all we are? If they can screw us over in order to save or get a few extra quid then is that fine? Is money at all cost the new Swansea City philosophy? This was a club run by the fans for the fans and as a fan I am letting it be known that I think this is totally and utterly wrong. Don’t let us forget where we come from!

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The Swansea Way

It is a term which we have all become accustomed to and yet I feel like it means different things to different people. On the pitch, it is generally accepted that the Swansea way has been possession football, especially when it was completely alien in the lower leagues. We stood out like a sore thumb; if a sore thumb happened to be really sexy! To me, the Swansea way meant something different once we reached the top flight. We were still praised about our passing philosophy but that wasn’t what made us different and what made us successful in my opinion. We had one incredibly unique quality; our players weren’t assholes!

Brendan was experienced (well he wasn’t really) and tactically superior (tell that to Liverpool fans) to Monk. Well we blamed Garry, he’s gone! Now there are not many more hiding places for our players. From the outside it looks as though Brendans side appreciated what they had, not one of those players had played regular Premier league football before, not one of them were a ‘name’, they all had to work their ass off but more than that; they all ‘knew where they came from’. I remember seeing Michael Owen years ago saying that he had never made a cup of tea in his life. He was babysat since he was ten, he was prime property.

The Premier League is full of superstars with super big egos. Players who have been told that they are amazing and wonderful from twelve years old and have been spoilt and groomed from no age. By simply having half decent human beings in our squad who appreciated the life they had; we made up for lack of talent with effort and ethos and maturity.

Our first campaign in the top flight had the following starting eleven (give or take a few changes from game to game)

Vorm, Rangel, Ash, Caluker, Taylor Leon Allen Sinclair Gower Dyer Graham

Siggy came in for Gower and Routledge would play from time to time but that would be a typical Swans eleven in our debut season. Talented? Compared to our starting eleven now? Nowhere near it? However our current crop could take us down and this group never looked in danger; what is different? Blame the manager is always the easiest thing to do,

Don’t upset him, keep him sweet, give him anything he wants as he can play football and he was the start of a generation of spoilt footballers who have absolutely no idea how lucky they are and cannot relate to me and you whatsoever. Does it matter? Michael Owen had a pretty good career even though he was spoilt? It might not at the top clubs or with the highly respected managers (although Jose Mourinho may say differently)

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The Swansea Way

but it certainly does with the ‘smaller clubs’. Garry Monk at little Swansea managing an England international who has come from Liverpool? Managing a French international striker on £80,000 a week? It doesn’t work! Managing these sulky kids seems borderline impossible and makes recruiting equally as difficult. If the more talented players happen to have the big egos then who do you want to sign? It is the talented players who have got us in this mess!! Should we be signing less talented but hungry players in order to progress? It doesn’t seem to make sense does it but that is why Leicester and Watford are flying. Because they haven’t got these assholes who think they are bigger and better than everyone else. When we look at our current group of players then we all know who we want in the trenches, who will give everything. It is no surprise that Leon and Rangel are back in that eleven. Taylor and Ash will give you all they have but we need more from the other players. Heroes and villains will be made over the coming months, it is time for some of the overhyped and overpaid players to dig deep, give us everything and learn the Swansea Way.

I asked people on facebook what the Swansea Way means to them: Gareth Williams It means playing as a team and sticking together through thick and thin. That goes for the team and the fans , this booing rubbish down the liberty is absolute nonsense. Remember who we are little old Swansea and appreciate what we’ve achieved Matthew Ambrose The Swansea way to me is sticking together as a family playing our football remembers who we are and always backing the CLUB through thick and thin. Mike Jones Remembering where we came from. Tom Crawford The Swansea way as far as the players are concerned is playing as a TEAM! Not individuals. There are many many clubs out there who have great individual players, but do they work as a team? The answer is usually no. Its having a group of players who gel together on that pitch and play for each other, not themselves. As for us, the fans, it’s about sticking together and getting behind the players through the good times and the bad... We have had our fair share of both and what ever lies ahead we get through it as one! WHO ARE WE? Martin Davies Neat tidy football as swans are known for Carl Williams Means the world means I go to sleep a jack and wake up a jack means everything isn’t perfect but I’m alive supporting the team I was born to watch Toni de Freitas Chips and curry sauce. Disgusting. Clare Lewis Sticking together as one team and remembering Stay where we have come from& Testing Ltd Safe Inspection Electrical installation services for industrial, commercial domestic customers in South Wales.

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Football Forum Tips

I haven’t made many friends on internet forums, quite the opposite in fact, I got off to a bad start and it seems to have got worse. It is a strange place and it has some strange rules, it is too late for me now but this is what I have learned, follow these rules, sign up to one and you will be fine: 1) You are hard! Remember that!!! Nobody knows otherwise and so you can really go for someone in the knowledge that you are never going to have to back up anything you say. You can call people you have never met whatever you like and even state or imply that you want to hit them and you never have to do anything about any of it. Don’t hold back!! Example: ‘he’s a twat and I know where he lives’ 2) Keep with the trend. It is really simple, do not have an opinion, wait to find what other people think and then join in. Ideally, go far beyond what has been previously written, agree with the opinion but go more extreme. Example: ‘I agree, Jonjo is overrated, he makes Mark Gower look like Xavi!!’ 3) Nobody knows your age. This is a great one as people on there have this natural idea that everyone are adults or are at least teenagers; many aren’t! If you happen to be eleven years of age, quickly research Lee Trundle and get on there; remember points one and two and you will be both feared and loved in no time! Example: ‘Jonjos goal against Villa was up there with Trunds V Yeovil’ 4) Know your place and work out who you need to suck up to to rise in the pecking order! Just sit and watch for a while, look at who talks a lot, who are the top dogs and get in with them. Generally this would be by agreeing strongly with one and naming them in a post, if you are feeling brave then do the exact opposite and totally disagree with a bit of attitude; it may back fire but it could get you noticed! And remember rules one, two and three!! Example: ‘DoublehardJack couldn’t be any more right, he’s brilliant!! I love him!!’ Right: Your avatar

5) Leaving your house is for losers!! If you have carefully taken on board these previous points then you will now be ‘in the clang’. You now need to realise that this is life, this is everything and all that is important! You can easily miss out on an important post if you happened to have a job or were still in school (don’t worry nobody knows) and so you need to fully commit to what is really important; your forum of choice! Tip: Plan ahead, ready meals and crisps are a good source of food. Have a bottle at hand to save the need to leave our computer when nature calls!! 6) You should now be able to hold down at least two characters. Phone, tablet and laptop should be able to give you three pretty easily or two regular ones with numerous ‘casuals’, where you log in and out throughout the day. Start banter between yourself, have flaming arguments and reiterate how hard each one of you are. Keep bumping up your opinions to the top of posts, you are now entering hero status. Example: ‘I know where you live Spartacus1, I’ve seen you running past my house while you were training for Mr Universe’ 7) Now you have imaginary friends to back you up, you are now able to start other conversations about other issues, anything really. If you are bored then start a conversation about the state of the country, food in a pub, a hobby that you have tried, this may be a football forum but you can start a conversation about anything you like now. Tip: You can still slate Jack Swan magazine for straying

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22 Football Forum Tips from football issues!! Totally different!!! 8) Now you are a hero you will need to deal with people in the same way that poor DoubleHardJack had to deal with you in point 4. Whatever you do follow the swans rule; DONOTGOGENTLE!! You have worked hard to get into this position, do not give it up, do not give a leg up, do everything you can possibly do to ensure that anyone who is posting for the first time feels as unwelcoming as possible! Attack, attack, attack and remember that they are new; they don’t know all of these points; scare them and belittle them, they are probably only 10 years old and you are a year older than them in school!! Example: ‘Who the feck is this kid? He knows less than Jack flipping Swan!!’ 9) As a hero, you are slowly learning the bully tactic. The more you bully the more important you get, now remember that you need to hate everything! By now, this probably comes natural. I imagine that you wouldn’t have left the house in months by now, showering, teeth cleaning would have become an annual occurrence. Nobody has heard your voice in weeks and the world has become a lonely and depressing place; all music is awful, everybody is annoying, food tastes

horrendous; you have no happiness from life whatsoever, you live solely to attack the next persons post on the forum. At this point you have become a legend! Well done. Tip: Get one of your characters to wish another one of your characters happy birthday when your day comes; people may join in and you will be super popular!! 10) You have gone from being a total loser in society to now finally finding your place at the top of an internet forum! You are widely respected by hundreds of imaginary people who all worship you and fear you in the same way that you fear them. This has been a hard task but you have done it well and you deserve everything that you now have. Others chose to have careers, wife’s, kids but they are all hassle, you have mastered life, you have mastered what really matters. You can simply turn your life on and off by the click of a switch; not that you ever would! It is true that power cuts are scary but they are short lived, internet connection is another issue but generally life is absolutely perfect. Enjoy it, use your power wisely and put as many people down as possible and remember; YOU ARE HARD!!!! Tip: You have achieved far more than me, I can’t teach you anything now!!

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24 Swans Eleven

We have become Premier League football fans now, it has taken us a few years but we are now there! We are now demanding that our chairman goes off and spends some money; loads of money ideally!! Splash the cash Mr. Jenkins. Principles? Who needs them? We need a striker! It is hard not to join in with the cries right now but let’s not forget how we have got where we are and the way that we have got there! This is Huw Jenkins eleven, the signings which have been our most fruitful and have led us to success. Vorm Bought for £1,500,000 Sold for £3,500,000 He was the best keeper in the Premier League for half a season and that was long enough to ensure our survival that term. A real find for just £1.5 million, he seemed to deteriorate somewhat and wasn’t coming up with those magic saves which he once was and we managed to offload him for a good profit. Had the best three seasons of his career and then sold him on; great business. Replaced with Lucas Fabianski (Free) Ben Davies Bought for; 0 Sold for £8,000,000 He came (but was here all a long) and then he left. From the boards point of view, this man must be sent from heaven (schooled in Seven Sisters don’t forget!!). Neil Taylor had a big injury and so this man was thrown in the deep end and did really well, when Neil Taylor was back to full fitness we swapped Ben Davies for Siggy. Perfect! Replaced with Neil Taylor (already there!)

Sam Ricketts Bought for 0 Sold for £300,000 A great bit of business at the time where Kenny Jacket picked up this full back on a free transfer after Telford got into financial trouble. He gave us two quality seasons and made team of the year in our promotion from league two before being moved on to Hull for what was then a load of money!!

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26 Swans Eleven Replaced with Angel Rangel (following season £70,000)

fantastic sale! Replaced with KI for £5,500,000

Jazz Richards Bought for 0 Sold for £425,000 The forgotten man. Jazz became a good squad player in the Premier League, was called upon on a number of times and would always give it all. Another one from our youth set up which is starting to look half decent and another one sold on for a profit. He had a couple of loan spells and then settled in Fulham. Replaced with a youngster we haven’t yet seen! Owain Tudor jones: Bought for £5,000 Sold for £263,000 Tudor really divided opinion. At times he was outstanding but then had moments where he was borderline awful. Injury plagued at times, we were probably quite grateful to get a quarter of a million pound for the player when he set off to Norwich. Career hasn’t really taken off since and is currently playing his trade in Scotland. Good signing, good sale! Replaced with Jordi Lopez (remember him?) Joe Allen Bought for 0 Sold for £15,000,000 I still miss this guy terribly. We want him with us on this relegation scrap don’t we, heart on sleeve!! Love the man but fifteen million quid?? Hahaha. Huw laughed all the way to the bank that day and it dried up the tears from all Swans fans too. Great player, greatest product from this area for thirty years but a

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28 Swans Eleven Emyr Hughes Bought for 0 Sold for £400,000 PLUS I must confess that I have never seen this guy play but in fairness neither have many people but we keep getting money because of him. A youth player poached by Man City when still in school, the club received £150,000 when he made his first team debut and a further £250,000 when Citeh sold him into Wigan for £2,500,000. Not bad for a guy who has never kicked a ball for the Swans. Replaced with some other kid Sinclair Bought for £1,000,000 Sold for £8,000,000 Now you are talking!! Probably the very best bit of business that we have seen at this club. Signed for half a million plus performance bonuses, his goals were the main factor in our promotion to the promised land. The half a million investment may have doubled but he had brought us the never ending riches of the Premier League and THEN we managed to cash in on him a year later and get moneybags FC to pay totally over the odds for a player who looked slightly out of his depth. Playing the market at its absolute finest!! Replaced with: Pablo Hernandez for 5,250,000 I Miss Scott Sinclair. Not seen her in ages

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30 Swans Eleven Jason Scotland Signed for £25,000 Sold for £2,000,000 Another bit of beautiful business saw us sign a player for £25,000 who managed to net 45 goals in 90 games for us helping us get to and cement ourselves in the Championship. The beauty of a good transfer is knowing the right time to sell and although we may not have had much of a s ay in the matter; it turned out to be perfect. He couldn’t cut it at a higher level and his career has stalled ever since; the two million quid looks a great sale now!! Replaced with Craig Besattie (a blemish!!) Bony Signed for £12,000,000 Sold for £28,000,000 The exact same principle but with ridiculously big numbers! The transfer fee even scared some of us fans. What was Huw thinking? He is one of the best players to ever wear the shirt and could go on to prove himself as one of the best strikers in Europe. Having said that, £28,000,000? It is a no brainers isn’t it. Sign a player, get a brilliant season and a half out of him, single handily keeping us up in that time and then move him on for more than twice what you plaid; brilliant Replaced with; you tell me!! Eder??? Hopefully there will be a different answer very soon!! Trundle Signed for 0 sold for £1,000,000 Like everybody, I loved Lee Trundle. In fact, ‘I love Lee Trundle!’ I still do. But one million quid? I’d have carried him to Bristol myself, even when he was carrying a bit of extra weight!! This is one of the best transfers that the club has ever done. A fantastic signing, there is no secret

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32 Swans Eleven that Flynn was almost single handily behind it but you would do well to find a better transfer in our history. He brought style and skill to the side and shedful of goals, he added to the attendances and brought a new following of young fans and then we sold him for over twice what he was worth! Perfect transfer! Replaced with Jason Scotland We can’t really argue with our chairman’s record and we can’t stray from this ethos of buying the right players at the right time. It is easy to make an impulse and rash buy, in this situation then it may be worth spending slightly over the odds for a player who will ensure our survival but we are in good hands, this track record speaks for itself and it is the reason why we are in the Premier league in the first place; In Huw We Trust!! But get an effing striker for god sake!!! Total out; £14,530,000 Total In: £50,888,000

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34 Fantasy Football Aled battered me last issue to level the scores up at two all. Hoping for a bit more luck here. Aled Jones: £23.9 Million K - Fabianski - Swansea - £4.7 Million Thinking with my heart this month for GK. The next 3 games are so important for the Swans, and he showed his true class in December with 3 clean sheets in 5, only conceding to Leicester & Man City. Sunderland and Watford at home before Everton away. C’mon Fabi!!! DEF - Alderweireld - Tottenham Hotspur - £6.1 Million Funny surname but great player. Spurs are having a great season so far and this guy has been one of the reasons why. He has scored twice, provided 3 assists and picked up loads of bonus points. Leicester and Sunderland at home before Palace away. MID - Shaqiri - Stoke - £6.7 Million The Swiss midget has finally come good in the Premier League after a slow start. 28 points picked up in December even though he missed a game. Norwich (H) Arsenal (H) & Leicester (A) - not the easiest run of games, but I’m sure he’ll do well. FWD - Ighalo - Watford - £6.4 Million I know - I’ve picked Fabianski in goal this month and I’m sticking Ighalo up top. But this guy just keeps scoring and scoring (14 goals & 5 assists). So how about this - Ighalo scores 5 against Southampton, is rested against Swansea, and scores 5 against

Jack Swan: £23.5 Million Myhil 4.7 West Brom are in a slightly precarious position right now which could well mean that Tony Pullis will get them back to basics and put together a string of clean sheets. He’s been fairly solid all season and it is the time of the year where the better managers get the best from their teams. Cresswell 5.5 West Ham have been ultra boring of late and that’s great if your looking for a defender to keep clean sheets. With Carroll back from injury as well, I expect them to play really tight and look for set piece goals. Shut up shop; great for defenders. Arnautovic 6.7 One of the best players in the league this season and a real handful. Stoke have been brilliant to watch and this guy is at the heart of everything, knows where the back of the net is with his feet and his head. Class player. Martial 7.6 A risk I know but I like a gamble. United have been awful of late and have offered incredibly little going forward; why have I picked him again? Oh yeah, for that very reason; it can’t last..... Can it?

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Question for the mag: Are Swansea a better team with or without Jonjo?

Tom Crawford Depends which Jonjo Shelvey turns up. He's the sort of player who can play the hero and the villain in the same game. Very temperamental and immature, but when he's in the mood he is a top player! Gerald Roger Jenkins A sulky wasted talent. Good enough to build a team around if he had the heart and head for it... Ian Wishart Without at the moment. He seems to be sulking and not interested at the moment. When he was sharp and playing well I would say maybe. Chris Clement Doesn't want to play here. No coincidence he f*cks off at the end of each season. He'd swap clubs in a heartbeat. No heart. He's any England player ffs, he should be the star every game. Rubbish. Get rid. Mike Harry Better without.

Gerald Roger Jenkins He was brought into Liverpool to be groomed as Gerrard's successor by all accounts. So how the f%ck did we end up with him? Mike Dauria There's no doubt shelvey could be a hero as he's got different things in his locker but in his locker is the chip for his shoulder which he's obviously wearing at the moment Rhiannon Lewis I enjoy when he plays always brings some sort of excitement whether it's breaking off through the middle or scoring a crazy screamer, I've enjoyed his time at the swans and no player is perfect and parts of this season he's been fantastic hence is call up to England side where he's also done well. Whatever happens I've enjoyed him being part of the side. Entertainment value he's great sometimes not always for the best reasons but and as I said before no player is perfect but still did better than expected and enjoyed having him as part of our team.

Martin Davies hard question that one - could be a match winner or lose us the match if he wants to go let him get some one who will want to play

Craig Jones With, he's a quality player who has been doing well this year up until getting his head turned on England duty. But if he wants out get rid as we need players who are 100% behind team and club.

Darren Rees No wonder liverpool got rid of him. great talent when he wants to play.but he dont want to perform every week

Ian Harding Yes. Simple answer. Creativity is lacking somewhat when he isnt in the side imo

Gerald Roger Jenkins The way he came on for Leon to have his ovation and then the way he scuttled off down the tunnel at the final whistle would not have me expecting his name anywhere near the next team sheet tbh. Martin Davies to be fair alan curtis has it spot on put leon and rangel on, both are great club men jonjo can learn from them, too many in team who only cares about a fat wage , more effort from the real swans players Tim Rendell The ignorance of these commenting jokers that clearly know precious little of the game, don't half make me laugh aye !! He chose to leave Liverpool because he wanted to "play" football, if all he cared about was the "fat wage" he'd have stayed and would now be wearing the shirt vacated by Gerrard ffs !! You're a fickle lot and like I said earlier I hope he F##ks you off and joins a team that will always have a future in the premiership

Gerald Roger Jenkins We should be building our team around our No.10... Siggy is our creativity problem. Simon Daniels No. His temperament and attitude are wrong. As mentioned above, it all depends which JonJo turns up. Too inconsistent and his stroppiness is starting to really p$ss me off. There was no need for "that" attitude when he came on for Leon. Fed up about hearing of his obvious talent and that he's only young. He needs to be professional above all else, or those skills and talents are useless. What's the point of having a player who only occasionally puts on a performance on the pitch and is allegedly disruptive in training? Robert Wayne Cook Question for mag, Gomis wants to leave the club, who doesn't want to chip in a couple of quid for his taxi ? Also we could make a couple of quid for the January window selling his house always offside lazy bastard avenue !

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38 Curtis to be sacked??? It wasn’t too long ago that Brendan was at the helm and the Swans were totally adored. In fairness, we were adored probably slightly more under Laudrup and we gained much praise at the start of this season under Monk but we have started to feel blemished and arguably rightfully so. As Laudrup took over, the managers seat at the Swans was a prime spot! It was a place where a young manager could go and make a name for themselves in a club which was run incredibly well off the field and were becoming a brand on the pitch.

Everyone loves Super Alan Curtis and I’m no different. We can name the stadium after him, recall the club Alan Curtis FC, I’m perfectly happy. He has also done a fine job in his five matches so far but it all seems a little strange. The board clearly don’t want him and he clearly doesn’t want the job so unless the board felt that he was in some way being undermined by not being labelled the ‘manager’ then I don’t get why we have said that he will be manager until the rest of the season because let’s face it; he might not!

We were everyone’s second team, a breath of fresh air. The expectation was that our Dane would move onto a ‘top job’ in the same way that his predecessor did and we would then recruit the next prodigy. But it has all gone a bit Pete Tong. Within Swansea, we all generally accept that we had to dismiss Laudrup when we did. His time was up, there was an apparent split in the camp and it was sadly the only real option. Although we know that, it looked harsh from the outside after he brought us our first major trophy less than twelve months earlier. We then appoint Monk, a club legend. He steadies the ship after the departure of the Laud, gives us our 3-0 win over them up the road and then brings us our best ever Premier League finish in his first full season at the club. He gets plaudits from all over and is eyed up as a potential future England manager, considered one of the best young managers in Europe. He has a bad couple of months and is sacked. Once again, from within Swansea, it was possibly the right decision but from outside of it? Is that seat now a prime seat? I don’t think that it is, our recent financial figures make bizarre and disappointing reading and Curtis is now our seventh manager in nine years. The search for number eight is still on but I can’t help but feel that the job isn’t the allure that it once was. It is really vital that we make the right call and while I admire the board in a way for taking their time and waiting until the Summer to get it right, it is has all been a bit messy and I can’t work out why they have given Curtis the job.

If we lose at home to Sunderland and then again to Watford then Gus Poyet will be manager the week after and so we are then putting ourselves in a position where we will need to sack him or at least make him look a total twat. I totally get that we are going to appoint a better calibre of manager in the Summer and he may already be lined up but just keep quiet, say nothing, don’t put a timescale on it and leave yourself in a position where you can make a change at any point without hurting Curtis and his role at the club. Hopefully, we win our next few games, Curt keeps us up with ease and we appoint a manager in the Summer and super Alan Curtis stays on as an assistant and all is wonderful. But that could have happened anyway, this way, we really risk the chance of losing our second club legend in a matter of months; strange move for me.

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The Top Two Inches

“Great effort from the lads today.” Every matchday evening, Twitter will be awash with similar sentiments expressed by heroes, villains and bystanders from that day’s football. But what does it mean? Of course it was a great effort, the sacrifices and physical exertions of running ten kilometres as a professional athlete can’t be considered anything other than a great effort. It will be followed, usually, by “We go again!” In victory, this is designed to express the desire to maintain winning momentum, in defeat, the need to regather and reverse that momentum. Yet, that is not what those words mean. The reason is one of the mainstays of philosophical methodology (how it’s done, in simpler terms), metaphysics. From Plato, 2400 years ago, to big names like Leibniz, Kant and Heidegger, metaphysics has been the preferred method of explanation and exploration for Rationalist Continental philosophers in everything from Theology and Ethics, to Political and Linguistic theory. The metaphysics in “Great effort from the lads today.” are congratulatory, and talking up teamwork. It may seem like a figure of speech, but the difference is the weight certain phrases acquire in football, generally once they achieve the status of cliché. At this point, they are no longer just sentiments, but a form of shorthand, with a Arborumof half page.ai 1 19/02/2015 00:32:48 life and meaning their own.

In the 20th Century, however, metaphysics came under attack from a group of opponents with a background in the Sciences. Rudolf Carnap, AJ Ayer and Karl Popper all attacked the idea that a metaphysical statement could actually be capable of meaning anything, let alone be a legitimate form of enquiry. Certainly, “We go again!” when expressed by a well-paid professional sportsman under contract does not mean what the words express. Of course they’ll go again. They’ve got Spurs in the League Cup on Tuesday. Some examples of metaphysics in football escape this simple form of Linguistic metaphysics (the French post-modernist Jacques Derrida felt that even the act of writing was a metaphysical art) and take on not only a life of their own, but a genuine physical meaning. “A good time to play United” is one example, where the mere act of saying or believing it can have a material benefit for a side’s chances. It is ironic that, for such an obviously physical endeavour, the immaterial effects of “the top two inches” can be so profound. Following on from that example, here’s a list of the Top Ten Metaphysical Statements in Football. Feel free to turn it in to a bingo card for a Saturday in the pub. 1. “He’s hit that too well. (If anything, Jon)” – Andy Townsend’s go to line for a well struck miss. What

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it means is a secret he’ll take to the grave, or at least that of his career ruining England matches. 2. “A good time to score.” – As opposed to all those terrible times to score. See the section of the Laws on “Winning Team” for an explanation of why this makes no sense. 3. “Caught in two minds.” – We’ve all experienced it, lay it off or hit it, and end up slicing it towards the corner flag. But even informally, we got caught in no mind. What being caught in two means, even metaphysically, is anyone’s guess. 4. “Home advantage.” – Another one repeated so often it now has a real effect. Yes, the ref can be subconsciously influenced by a large partisan crowd, and yes, that crowd will demand entertainment. But see Palace’s recent record for evidence of just how meaningless it is, if you’re prepared to set up to exploit the lack of meaning in those words. 5. “Dictating the rhythm.” – True, the best midfielders get the ball moving at a pace to suit their side’s tactics, and strengths. But they only get away with it because the opposition keep making the same errors when pressing; it’s not dictated, it’s accepted.

7. “The ref was biased.” – All humans are. He was biased when he gave you a ropey corner, he was biased when he missed the handball for their goal. 8. “A bad run (they’re/we’re on a…)” – It’s a 38 game season, and a sport. Fitness and form will come and go. At the end of the season, you might have lost 10 and drawn 10. Sometimes, they might all come at once, but the end result is the same. 9. “There’s no intent there.” - If only some ex-pros would write a book explaining this concept of human action without intention. Nearly three millennia of thought have gone into it without success... 10. “The spirit in the dressing room...” - What? Do you leave offerings for it? Get an exorcist when it turns nasty? Are poltergeists just what you get when VJ, Fash, Wisey and Sanchez are in the same place? Decent result, that. We go again next month. Robin Hill

6. “A valuable point.” – Ever left a ground with a firm wish to give back an utterly unnecessary point?

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Louis van Gaal is thinking about his holiday should he get the sack from Man U. He asked Jose for his thoughts and Jose told him, I hear you can’t beat the Canaries in December. Looked at my girlfriends browsing history last night. Was shocked to see she googled how to enjoy sex with a boring man with a small penis. I hope she's cheating on me. Today , an ardent feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships . Apparently "In H.D." , is not the right answer . three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable "Jesus Christ!!" he exclaimed .......... Write that down Mary. It's better than Wayne Can't believe it! Christmas is 363 days away and people have already got their bloody decorations up!!! To all the people i gave books to for Christmas, they are due back at the library on Monday. Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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For the Dunvant Massive A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines, "It's the Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she again asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No thanks. It's the Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir-fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

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Mels Memories

Our next chapter in our talk with Swans legend Mel Nurse about football in his day. How good was the 1958 Wales team? Jack Helsey in goal, Stuart Williams right back, Graham Williams left back, who was centre half at the time? I was centre half but I didn’t go, Colin was there, there were a lot of players there Cliffy Jones, Roy Vernon? Ken Leek? It was a good team, we got to the quarter finals didn’t we, I know that there were some complications with Israel I think or whatever but we got there! I didn’t go on that trip! Do you know why? Because in Swansea, smallpox broke out. Honest, an outcry, people were dying. The prune as I was, I used to play miniature golf down Ashleigh road with my girlfriend, she’s my wife now, for the last 56 years but she was my girlfriend at the time, I’d just got out of the army and we were courting. I’ve gone down there and we have met another couple there, we got talking and that was that, the next thing we know he is in hospital.

couple of days later a notice comes out ‘smallpox breaks out in hospital in Bridgend’. Panic station! I told everyone that I was up there last week, I should have kept my trap shut shouldn’t I, headlines in the paper in the evening post ‘Mel Nurse visits hospital with smallpox’ I felt like I couldn’t go outside the door. I couldn’t go anywhere. I remember that everyone was panicking to get vaccinated and everything else and I joined a queue in the Kingsway towards the police station and I stood in the queue and they all turned around and went ‘hello Mel’ and then realised what they had seen in the paper the night before and so they disappeared. That’s the quickest I have ever seen a queue go down!! I just walked straight in. I was confined to the house for two months. I couldn’t go anyway. So that cost you a world cup? Well I am saying it did but I’m not sure because I had just been picked for the Welsh team. My first game was against England at ninium park. We drew one each, Brian Cloughs one and only game. He played twice for England but one was a friendly and the second one was that one against Wales at ninium park. I remember because I had nightmares about it, I was playing against England, my first interna-

They were terry and Barbara and Barbara phoned us up and said that terry was in hospital ‘what is wrong with him?’ I can’t remember what it was, it wasn’t smallpox but we went to visit him in the hospital, Bridgend hospital and then a

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tional and i was playing against Cloughie and every time I played against Cloughie he would score goals, he was cunning and clever, sneak here and sneak there, he would let you go for the ball and tackle people and then he would sneak over there and the next minute ‘bang’ he would be there and score. Every time I played against him he would score!! Except for this day!!! I can remember going on the field with and saying that ‘I WILL KILL HIM, IF HE LEAVES THE FIELD TO GO FOR A TOILET THEN I AM GOING WITH HIM!’ I can remember me saying that to myself. Game kicks off anyway, he’s centre forward and I’m centre half and he gets the ball and pushes it backwards to someone and they send it out wide, Cloughie pushes into me to break off to create space in front but he wasn’t leaving me! I run with him and the ball goes on his chest and woosh I put six studs down his back!! I’d get a life sentence for it now!! He went flying through the air. The referee had just kicked off hadn’t he,

it was so early in the game that he didn’t know what to do and so I got away with it. He never scored a goal and he never played another game. I had his son stay here years later when he was manager of Nottingham Forest sitting on that chair by there and he had a big range rover, his old man was Brian Clough, he had to have one!! So he is sitting there and my daughter is serving and she said to him ‘my father used to play and he played against your father’. ‘who is your father?’ he asked, the next thing and he’s on his mobile phone, I’m going back nearly forty years ago and he had a phone then, that’s how well off he was but he picks up the phone and he’s going ‘Dad, I’m in Swansea, I’m in this guesthouse and there is a young girl here who says that you played against her father; Mel Nurse’. ‘He’s a dirty bastard’ Brian Clough said.

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Friday April 1st Liberty Stadium

58 Cryptic Football I had a letter from David Davies with a cryptic quiz with 20 clues, I am yet to get one; here are the first five, hope you do better than me. I wont publixh any answers until all 20 clues have been given, that was I don’t have to open the envelope with the answers in it and I get to play along as well, I miss out on all the fun usually! All football clubs from 4 English leagues and national league (conference) and Scottish league clubs 6)

Drink In The Valleys

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Baby X eats meat

Any luck? me neither!!!

Ideas for the magazine?

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64 Vital Information All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98 A random football fact, #1: (7/2/13) The last time the Netherlands played an international match without a ‘van’ in their starting XI was against France during Euro 2000 (they won 3-2). However, the last time they didn’t have a ‘van’ in their entire match day squad (Peter van Vossen appeared as a late substitute against France) was way back in 1996 in a friendly 2-0 victory against China. A random football fact, #2: (9/2/13) The highest amount of goals scored by half time occurred in 1954, when Motherwell and Dumbarton played out a huge 6-6 draw; Motherwell were 6-4 up at the end of the first half - a huge 10 first half goals. A random football fact, #3: (11/2/13) Quite fittingly, Pelé is the youngest ever World Cup winner, picking up the gold in 1958 at just 17 years and 249 days. Way up the other end of the scale is former Italian goalkeeper Dino Zoff, who in 1982 became the oldest player to lift the trophy at 40 years and 133 days. A random football fact, #4: (updated 02/03/14) Andy Selva hold the distinction of being the only man to ever score a winning goal for San Marino, having scored in their 1-0 victory against Liechtenstein in 2004 (in 121 games, San Marino’s record is 1 win, 3 draws and 117 losses). Selva is also the nation’s all time top goalscorer, with 8 goals (in 64 appearances). Manuel Marani is the only other man to score on more than one occasion for San Marino, with 2 goals (34 appearances). A random football fact, #5: Forget about Messi; if you want to find a goalscorer, look no further than Fernando Peyroteo. The Portuguese boasts the world’s greatest goals to game ratio of 1.77, having found the net an incredible 331 times in just 187 games for Sporting Lisbon between 1937 and 1949 (compared to Messi’s 0.82 for Barcelona). Adding to that, he reportedly scored 4 or more goals in a game on more than 30 occasions, including a phenomenal nine in one game. Deadly. A random football fact, #6: (14/3/13) No country has ever won the World Cup during the papacy (term) of a Pope from the same country. Not that it should worry Argentina; Messi’s broken enough records already, so what’s one more?

A random football fact, #7: (18/3/13) Former Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic is the only Premier League player whose last name is completely made up of roman numerals: V (5), I (1), D (500), I (1), C (100). A gladiatorial name that perfectly suits his play? A random football fact, #8: (updated 02/03/14) The power house nations of Algeria, Ghana, South Korea and Saudi Arabia are part of an elite group; being the only countries in the world to boast an undefeated record against England. A random football fact, #9: (updated 04/07/14) The heaviest recorded footballer in the football league is Adebayo Akinfenwa who weighed in at 21 stone and 7 lbs while playing for AFC Wimbledon against former club Northampton. He has since shed a few stone but is still regularly the heaviest player in the football league. A random football fact, #10: (29/3/13) Arsenal are the only team to have received a gold version of the Premier League trophy, when it was specially made to commemorate their 2004 ‘Invincibles’ season, instead of the silver trophy that every other title winning team have lifted. A random football fact, #11: (updated 02/03/14) In the 2009-10 season, Barcelona’s Pedro became the first man to score in 6 different, official club competitions in one season, scoring in La Liga, the Supercopa de España, the Copa del Rey, the Champions League, the UEFA Super Cup and the FIFA Club World Cup. However, this has since been trumped by Spanish striker Fernando Torres, who scored in 7 official club competitions during the 2012-13 season. The Chelsea striker netted in the Premier League, Champions League, Europa League, FIFA Club World Cup, FA Community Shield, FA Cup and League Cup.

The Fans Think Wha�What �� F�n� T�� C�n��e� Wha� T�� F�n� T��!! Before the West Ham game I asked: Was monk forced out by players in same way Jose was at Chelsea? Should fans behave the same today?

Neil Pritchard who would you boo ? shelvey was injured but someone was told by a friend of a friend whos dog told him he was fighting ? its time to stop bitching and get behind the whole team we are in this together like it or not ! Jamie Thomas So many rumours, it doesn't matter now. What matters is we are in the relegation zone. Tony Davies Wouldn't do any good Ash has said it was a load of rubbish and that's good for me, most important thing is to crank up the volume this afternoon a la Northbank and act as the 12th man Craig Wiggins I know exactly what happened... Monk got called into the boardroom roughly 5 weeks ago because players had complained about training a few weeks before saying it was just like having a kick around and they weren't fit... Board offered him to change coaching staff and he said no, they said if there wasn't an improvement you know the consequences and know he's gone... The end!!!

Simon Daniels That's a good question! And I'm not saying that like I'm surprised or anything.... ;) Is it a coincidence that both teams started playing with some intensity and skill as soon as the gaffer was out the door? There was certainly a marked improvement from Chelsea yesterday and the same can be said for us at the Etihad last week. What changed for us in such a short space of time? I'm pretty sure the talk from Huw had a lot to do with it and I'm also sure that Curtis was not going to let them underperform on his watch, but I can't see how, in the space of less than a week, a team can suddenly turn their game around so abruptly and play so much better than they have for most of the season. Is Curtis, (and this not a diss) a better manager than we've been led to believe? Was Monk that inept at his job? I would say that I am deeply suspicious with players and the rumours around town might have some concrete under them. Which leads to another question. If some of the players at the club DID underperform on purpose to get Monk the sack...for whatever reason they think this is acceptable... How long will it be until they decide that they don't want to play for the next Gaffer? And, do we want that type of player at the club?

Steven Edwards The coaching staff were forced out by results and fans

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Brothers and sisters I have none but this man’s father is my father’s son.

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Your last good ping-pong ball fell down into a narrow metal pipe imbedded in concrete one foot deep.

How can you get it out undamaged, if all the tools you have are your tennis paddle, your shoe-laces, and your plastic water bottle, which does not fit into the pipe? 4) A man who lives on the tenth floor takes the elevator down to the first floor every morning and goes to work. In the evening, when he comes back; on a rainy day, or if there are other people in the elevator, he goes to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the seventh floor and walks up three flights of stairs to his apartment. Can you explain why? 5) How can you throw a ball as hard as you can and have it come back to you, even if it doesn’t bounce off anything? There is nothing attached to it, and no one else catches or throws it back to you. 6) A Petri dish hosts a healthy colony of bacteria. Once a minute every bacterium divides into two. The colony was founded by a single cell at noon. At exactly 12:43 (43 minutes later) the Petri dish was half full. At what time will the dish be full? 7) An Arab sheikh tells his two sons to race their camels to a distant city to see who will inherit his fortune. The one whose camel is slower wins. After wandering aimlessly for days, the brothers ask a wise man for guidance. Upon receiving the advice, they jump on the camels and race to the city as fast as they can. What did the wise man say to them?

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70 Golf Course Review

With the weather being as it has been, instead of going out and getting wet, I caught up with Wannabe Pro, had a pint and looked to find out what makes a good golf course and to get his nominations for Jack Swan golf course of the year. What makes a good golf course? Tough question. Course management is the main thing, having different holes mixed in together so you haven’t got three or four par fours in a row. Have par 3s, 4s and 5s mixed in and so you have something to keep your attention so that you are not bored for the round. Want water on a course? Yes. Love water, it really messes up my game but it’s a challenge, I wouldn’t say that the more the better, you can have too much but I’d say 5 to 6 holes is about right. I have played on some courses where it is as much as twelve or thirteen and that is too much and gets boring. A couple of holes in a row, break from it, throw another one in and then maybe a finishing hole with the prospect of a splash is about right. And sand? I’m a big fan of bunkers, I hate being in them but you don’t need 200 in the course, it is all about placement. Again, you don’t need seven around a green but you need a couple of strategic ones. The fairways are the same; you want strategic ones too. If it is a par five for example, you want one which is about 100 yards short of the green, mid-fairway. Just so that it affects the people who are thinking about laying up. It can’t be as simple then as hit a driver, hit a 5 wood and hit a wedge, you have to think that a 5 wood might get you into that

bunker and so you need to play it short with a five iron and hit the green with an eight iron or something. It just keeps it interesting. And do you like big greens or tight greens? Size doesn’t really matter. You sure? In this instance no haha. It is more a case of what the greens do. If they are small and flat or big and flat then it makes no odds to me, they can be any size as long as there are tiers and you have to read the put. Can you think of a hole around this way that has that tier? One of the most difficult greens is the third hole in Pontardawe, it is only a short hole, 330 yards, par four uphill but the amount of times that I have been in or around the green in two and taken a seven or something. It is a real challenging green, go long and you are chipping onto the green as it runs away from you but it is a really tough green there. One of the best for an admissible course would be the second at Earlswood, which has a very big step on it and for a cheap course which anyone can play, that is a very good example of a challenging green but again, it is fair because it is a decent size. While we are talking about Earlswood, what do you make of (I think it is the 14th) which goes across the valley, a holes like that good, ones where you need to be able to carry a certain distance? The fourteenth at Earlswood is great. I really like that hole. If it a still day then it is not much of a challenge if you can hit a club 160 yards then your fine, you can probably hit a seven or a six iron across but if the wind

is directly into you and you don’t quite catch your driver. I hit the ball left to right and so there are many times where I have lost my ball with that tea shot, it’s an interesting hole for being such a short one and yeah, I love holes where you need to be able to hit a ball a certain distance over an obstacle. And on that course, there is a great example of my next question, what do you make of the massive fairway which takes up about six holes on the front nine? Is that right? Do you like the free-for-all fairways? The third, the forth, the fifth, sixth and the ninth comes into it too. Personally I would like to see it segmented a little bit, they were looking to plant some trees there to separate them a bit but they do probably need to do a bit of work there to break it up a bit. The flip side of that is at Morriston where you have the second hole with tall trees to your left separating you from the hole coming the other way and they are two totally different holes because of those trees. Is that what you prefer? Those holes are fantastic and I think that the second was my favourite hole on the course and it would be a totally different hole if it wasn’t for those trees and it would take something away from the course and so yeah I think it is important to have these trees and obstacles between each hole and I suppose I would like to see Earlwood go down that way. Not the 60 foot high conifers but just something to break it up a bit and to have something to aim for because teeing off there you can just aim for the middle of the huge fairway and go off and find your ball but it would be good if you thought that you have to keep to the right of these trees or whatever, gives more to the golf course. Right, onto the important stuff. I want to get five courses off you which are to be put to the public to vote for Jack Swan Golf Course of the Year Pontardawe would be one. I never get bored of playing it, it grabs my attention every time. They are contin-

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uing to do work to the course as well, it continues to improve, the weather recently has been atrocious but it is holding up. It has a good balance of holes, water, sand, everything which we have just spoken about. I liked Morriston, I will put that in there. The layout was good, It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. The front nine is outstanding, the back nine got a little bit boring and as though they tried to squeeze a couple of holes in there but there are some interesting ones there too. The long par three downhill springs to mind. The first hole is inviting, it wasn’t a difficult course but wasn’t easy and the greens were really good. I had a nice vibe from it. Neath has to go in there too. I haven’t played that since the summer but it is a really good course when the weather allows you to enjoy it. It is one of those courses where you can go on a roll with four or five good holes in a row but you can also do the opposite. I think we have that pencilled in to be our next one to review in here and I look forward to that.

I will put Earlswood in there as it is such a good course for being admissible. I think it was about twelve pound last time I was there and you always have to play well to get a score there; it isn’t easy. For the longer hitter then it is an easier course as you can take it apart but that is the course I started playing on and it has a place in my heart. And finally I would have to go for Langland Bay, that is a very, very well kept course and pretty difficult. When the wind is up then it has some teeth, some real teeth and the greens are small and there are a lot of movement in them and fantastic views and scenery and so yeah that would be it! There you have our 5 nominations for course of the year: Pontardawe Golf Course Morriston Golf Course Neath Golf Course Earlswood Langland Bay

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74 Jack Swan Tries Jack Swan tries driving without electrics I’m not great with cars. If they start and get me where I want then I am perfectly happy, on this occasion, it didn’t. I was heading to Southampton and my battery light comes on about half way up, knowing very little I thought its best to ignore that and so I did! It was raining (obviously) and after half an hour or so the windscreen wipers stopped, lights went out and I had to quickly find the next place to stop where I called out the AA. There in no time (fair play) and the guy looks and says ‘your alternator has gone’. I’d heard of one before, sounded expensive but he simply hit it with a hammer and it started working again; easy!! I could do that!! He said that it should get us to Southampton and it did although the light was back on by then. For those of you as mechanically stupid as me, the alternator is what recharges the battery and so when the light is on, my cars battery is draining; I needed a new one. Problem is that I’m in Southampton, they have a different economy in the South of England to the rest of us. Fixing this is going to cost more than my car is worth; I need to get it home! The weather forecast for the following day is actually dry! Unbelievable but true. Realistically, once my car is started, what do I need my electrics for? Now for legal reasons, this never happened as it may be breaking a law or two! I repeat, I’m making all of this up!! Honestly!! The morning was beautiful in Southampton as pre-

CMY

dicted. Glorious sunshine. My car was left in the pub a quarter of a mile from the hotel and so my first job is to walk to that and to prey that the first part of this journey happens and it does; the car starts!!

I currently have electrics but the battery light is on and I am fully aware that they will go at some point. My next issue is my misted window, I manage to clear it as well as I can by hand both inside and out! I turn out of pub, onto a roundabout and the sun shines fiercely, I hadn’t seen that for months and it blinds the hell out of me; I can barely see but manage to get on route; indicating as little as possible and using no other electric. The weather is perfect, I’m heading away from the sun. I use a little bit of electric to open the passenger window so that the windscreen can clear. So far so good, I get about twenty miles shy of Newbury and we get a big beep; there goes all electric. We are now game on!! I’m ok I keep telling myself, adrenalin is ruining, it is

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76 Jack Swan Tries Pl�� Kid�! quite exciting, a story to put right here!but I keep onethe lane whenever important for that and at this moment in time, he isn’t thatto isn’t football of today. Today it is all about possible as Worry I cannot indicate, I try when tomorrow comes! in our first eleven in my opinion. today! about tomorrow to keep distance thanisn’t in my first team plans Andaingreater my opinion Jonjo usual from both the car in front It is sad in a lot of ways that football has come to this today. and the car behind fully aware that but that is where we are. It may simply be that the I have no break The just planthat is we have better central British footballing world has become more professional A big part oflights. this isn’t going reasonablyWe wellhave although and that this will bring the very best out of young midfielders. good Ioptions going forward. see an issue occurring; do I havedangerous, Siggy is players. It may well force players like Jonjo to be even Montero looks ridiculously enough diesel to get home? better but you can also see why the English FA are outstanding, Bony is (and I genuinely mean this word) AmWorld I allowed toand put Dyer/Routledge/Barrow diesel in a car concerned about players lacking minutes. But I class are all very withcapable its ignition on? As I won’t be we need is for them to couldn’t care less about the FA and I doubt the Swans on their days. So what ablehave to start I stop. thethis ball,car weonce need a midfield which is controlling, a do either. Just midfield under a quarter ofwin a tank who can theatball back and give it to our Swindon; that is aand close call. danger men that is Get whatasLeon and Ki can offer. If I could get Jonjo to sign a ten year contract and he far as possible is my thinking and I had no possible way of leaving it then I’d play him now carry on.isBoredom is nowbut myI main but there is no loyalty in football and so in many ways This short sighted do feel far less inclined to issue, I’m thetalent only one inIthe carpreviously. We don’t really it is the footballers that are brining it on themselves. ‘nurture’ than have andneed no radio, nothing. I have taken money and players aren’t loyal in anyway and so I Why should a club invest time and playing minutes to singing songs loudinfor my own whoimprove will jump the firstweather chancestays they get? don’t see theout point playing himentertainment. in order to smooth I gointo for ait.player It doesn’t thatatquickly, I’m the nowdiamond. hogging the middle anddays singing to I think thatlane those haveOasis possibly bad through Newport although it is surprising how well myself butininterms general all isPremier good! league. Each game is too you can see through rain on the windscreen. Wipers gone of the are slightly overrated in fact. This was alright, perfectly Wales beautiful Wales! The weather was like the Caribfine. I get through the rain and things are looking good. bean in Southampton, it was dry at Bristol, was dry on Diesel is now on the red but it looks all doable. the bridge but at some point between the Welsh side of the bridge and the tolls; it starts raining. I take the The rain stays away until I get to Neath where the rain opportunity to wipe the windscreen while stopped at the comes from the ground. This was worse, visibility is tolls and go through. poor for all but I manage to get the car to my trusted garage. I keep the car running while waiting to speak Magor services in one mile. To stop or not to stop? to the mechanic and it actually runs out of diesel while I have no windscreen wipers and it is raining, not I wait. I manage to get hold of an alternator in Pic-Up excessively but I have blobs on Spares for less than £50 including VAT and lee fits it my windscreen which I cannot in Goulds for about the same price. get rid of. How bad will it get? When will I next have a chance But for legal reasons, remember that none of this to stop? If I stop now will I actually happened!!! be able to get off again? Is the weather going to get worse? Left: an alternator, if you were wondering Can I drive through it?

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Things we learned from Oxford

Taylor is our best left back: If there was any doubt about this there isn’t now. Tabanou was comfortably the worse player on the pitch, taking a throw in looked an effort. He made a lot of us feel better about eating all the cheese over the festive period! Jonjo is cup tied Curtis said he would play and he did. He has also said that his future lies with the club......... We wait and see.... Barrow is our danger man How has this happened? He was the only player that I could think of who could make an impact and in fairness he did a little. He may have a bog role to play in our quest for survival; maybe a scary thought that!! Amat and Bartley are not the answer Not sure what the question is exactly but they aren’t currently up to the mark. Fernandez has seemed to be getting back on form but it looks clear that him and Ash are needed right now. Grimes needs games This guy was in player of the year in League two last season and looks off the pace when playing the same level. He should be going forward with our coaches etc...

Montero can be magic But he can also be very ineffective. What a goal, he may as well have left the pitch then though. Does he have ninety minutes in him? Does he like the rain? Cork can play One of the few positives was watching Jack Cork further up the field. His pass for Gomis was top class and he got on the end of a corner and nearly scored. Can we squeeze him into team and get some goals from him? Emnes is easily lost And he falls over easily. He doesn’t really have a position either. Not really blessed as a footballer in reality. Gomis is probably offside This Frenchman is easily found; He’s a yard the other side of the defenders. Lazy doesn’t get close to describing him, he’s offside from goal kicks for god sake!! No Team It is difficult to throw a second string together who don’t play with each other but they didn’t look like they had even met each other at times. Awful )

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82 Jack Swan Eats Food

We are all easily intrigued at times. You may have seen that we are running a Jack Swan awards night and one of the categories is the best pub curry and we’d had a good few people message in nominating ‘Murrays Curry’ in the New Inn in Craig Cefn Park. I knew nothing about this except that people nominated it for the award and it isn’t the usual name. I headed up there with wannabe pro golfer.

three pubs on this stretch and there can’t be more than 500 houses on the way to them all; clearly all housing alcoholics!! Keep your local alive!!!! Drink beer! Ignore the government!!!

I hadn’t been to the New Inn for a good five years or so, maybe longer. The last time I went there the landlord was a Cardiff City fan, it has thankfully changed hands since then!

The pub hadn’t changed much. Large car park out the back and a pool table as you walk in. It is early January and lunch time, some are still clinging onto their New Years diets and saving money and so it is quiet, we are the only ones there. We get chatting to the barman about Murrays curry and he smiles as though it has become a famous draw, the chef walks past and the barman introduces us as wanting his curry.

We live in an era where pubs are struggling and a lot close down on us every year and yet some areas seem to manage to keep them and this is one of those areas, there are

‘it is between the heat of a madras and a vindaloo’ he tells us. That was too much for me, ‘but I can mix it with the normal curry and its more medium heart then’

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84 Jack Swan Eats Food Ja�� Sw�� Eat� F�o� perfect; half and half of course!! I have a slight confession to make. Last issue when I ate vegetarian food an Indian slighthedeal It was nice to get in Wannabe Proand on made a pool atable, has aboutthrashing ‘trying being Vegi’without ; I was actually a bizarre been me atagolf any effortinand it was time of mytolife where meatcomes at all!and It it quite nice return theI wasn’t favour!!eating The curry lasted the bestchunky part ofonion a month I actually freaked is full of meat, andand it has a real nice colour myself out; I wokecurry. up one morning and decided that I to it; sexy looking fancied getting slightly healthier; cut out beer and meat; and I but did wasn’t it!! It was good as hot as I expected, I think I may need to be braver next time and properly try Murrays That was slightly thing. The really, Curry. Thethe chips werebizarre real home cooked chips, really there was bizarretothing wasitthat really I loved eating plenty eat and was Iall goodenjoyed withoutit.being spectacdifferent going through a day ular. Two foods; curriesthe for challenge a tenna onof the lunchtime meal is and eating mealsknock that consisted great thoughthree and can’t the value. of no meat. At no point did I care in the slightest about the animals involved; they are put in onthe thisarea? planet to be eaten! Is it the best pub curry I wouldn’t like toBut I waswe eating healthier, cheaper and actually say, will see how the voting goes in a few nicer weeksfood! but I think it has a good chance. Misses out on the ‘extras’, Anyway, I got that out of my system! Whatonion a weird no naan bread, popadoms, mango chutney, bhagi month!!! I’m aitmeat again!! the etc.. but then I justeating a fiver MAN so can’t reallyRing complain chicken’s about that!neck, cook it in some garlic and stick it on my plate!!!!! This issue I headed to Uplands; with Vegi!

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A good, decent curry at a great price in a pub that does real ale and with a pool table has a place in my life. I will Ireturn. like the Uplands. I have had a good few nights up there, it does really well with its limited amount of drinking establishments. It probably only has half a dozen licensed boozers but it somehow rivals Wind Street as the place to go on a night on the lash; although a slightly more upmarket ‘lash’.

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86 Poets on the Hill Time passes. SCFC. The beginning of August from the end of May drags unless there are international games which “fills” the place of missed Saturdays Football match minutes though...? Do officials clocks confuse timezones? remember Fergie time? always largo Minutes slow ...when Swans fly above me I urge time to stand still ..as we bask in take me to the Vetch Field glory Interim manager, relegation death chime. Curtis “help our desperate table climb!” Right now, we hang.... in suspended time Jack Swan no more cover promises There are no givens in this business shows our skin needs to develop thickness that will take time ....

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88 Poets On the Hill The book No Apologie Anfologie is out now! No Apologie Anfologie is available from the Phoenix Centre in Townhill, Townhill Library and by post. Please contact zoe.murphy@uwtsd.ac.uk for more information

Chris Coleman Testimonial: ‘I am extremely proud of my roots. I have fantastic memories of growing up on the Hill. My career in football has taken me all over the world but there is nowhere better than home. My family still live there as do my friends and people I grew up with. Every opportunity I have I go back home and just enjoy being with them. Poets On The Hill...Back of the Net!’

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90 How to Advertise! It amazes me how many people ask the question ‘how do I get an advert in there?’ when we drop off the magazines. In fairness, we do have quite a bizarre system but for those of you who haven’t worked it out yet, here it is:Firstly, get a large pot. Large enough for you to get into yourself; eBay is a good place to search but be careful and always pay attention to the delivery charges as pots of this size can be very expensive to deliver. Once you have the pot, you will need to start a fire. Outside is usually best but if it’s raining then I suggest you break into a large hall, maybe a community centre where you may be able to use some wooden chairs as firewood. Make sure the ceilings are high enough and open windows to let the smoke out. So once you get the fire going, you can put the pot on top of the fire. Be careful, make sure it is stable and secure but you’re clearly not stupid as you have already got this far and followed these instructions very well. Next you will need a little oil. Engine oil is ideal but sunflower oil would suffice. Next is the tricky bit, you will need a small ginger and white cat. Please be aware that you can only start looking for the cat once the fire has started and the oil warm. Don’t cheat with this; don’t think that you can catch the cat then start the fire because it simply won’t work! Once you have managed to catch the ginger and white cat then release it; it holds no purpose. What do you

think we were going to do? Ask you to skin it alive and put it in the pot? Come on!! Next is slightly wacky I must admit. You dial the following into your phone; zero, seven, eight, eight, zero, three, six, nine, five, four, five and then press the call button. Somebody should answer the phone and you can book or discuss the options with that person. That person will tell you what to do with the pot when you speak to them. Incidentally, if you actually did buy a pot, start a fire in a community centre, traumatised and then released a ginger and white cat then I suggest trying this number before contacting us: ‘nine, nine, nine’ and just explain what you have done and make it very clear that you had no instructions from anybody to do anything....

As well as 5,000 copies printed and delivered from Mumbles to Abercrave and Britton Ferry to Gowerton. Our online magazine is viewed the world over! www.jackswan.co.uk

Best Football Shirt of the Week! Wear your football shirt into Cutting Corner in Mumbles when you have your hair cut and not only will you get 50p off your haircut but the best shirt each week will have their picture in the window and right here in Jack Swan magazine. Get your retro kit out!

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Swanning Round the Universe

As the Pinnacle of everything as we know it, why should we not strive to be the best of that too?

Before that there was nothing. 14 billion years ago they say there was simply nothing. Then there was the wake up call. No alarm.

Bang. And all of a sudden nothing exploded in every direction.

And they're off... racing. Matter versus antimatter expanding and compressing exploding and solidifying and forming energy beyond nothing. Gravity gathering and hydrogen fusing creating great big balls of helium blazing in the ever expanding nothing lighting up and heating as they go. Fusion and forming of elements that are being spat from a spewing nothing into nothingness and becoming us. As far as we know we are the most amazing of all that nothing. We look back at it all and make something of it, we speed forwards towards nothing, but no doubt we'll make something of that too. So should we make the best of it? As the best of it? While it's still happening... We play in the Premier league... Are we not gods? Paddy Stradlin

s l a i c e p Our S

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94 The Secret Breakfasteer The Top Ten as it stands at the moment

1st 1st 1st 4th 5th 6th 6th 8th 9th 10th

The Penny Black, Burry Port The Play Quarter, Ystradgynlais Marquis Arms Brownsters Cafe, Clydach Bro's Cafe, Port Talbot Cresis, Skewen The Skyline cafe, Gylncorwg Bike Cntre Uplands Diner, Uplands Changs, Neath Tambinis Express

This week’s breakfast venue took us to Cresci’s Café Skewen. There was ample parking behind the café which also housed a small corner shop. My all day breakfast consisted of: 2 sausages, 2 bacon, 1 egg, beans, fresh thickly cut fried mushrooms, a side plate of toast and I also ordered an extra hash brown. The café dining area has never been updated which created a fantastic retro feeling and as if you had gone back in time. The owners were however in the process of updating part of the shop. The food didn’t take long to arrive. The mushrooms were definitely my favourite so far, they were fresh and cooked to perfection and beat over-cooked or tinned mushrooms easily. The rest of the breakfast was

25.5 25.5 25.5 25 24.5 24 24 23.5 21.5 21

cooked well apart from the let-down of those not-so-meaty sausages. The breakfast was really cheap and you could tailor a plateful of your choice with breakfast additions costing around 50p. Now to the scores… Quality = 7/10 Location = 7.5/10 Value = 9.5/10

24 30

Watch the RBS 6 Nations Here! Sunday Feb 7th 15:00 Ireland v Wales Saturday 13th 16:50 Wales v Scotland Friday 26th Feb Wales v France Saturday 12th March England v Wales Saturday 19th March Wales v Italy

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96 P n - es P��n�-�es� P��n��n�! P n n ! We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution. It’s Chhhhhrrrrissstmas……………. The celebration of International Fairy Day during June This isme such a busy time yearactivity for most families, gave inspiration for aofnew . This is one that every oneoutside rushingand here there and everywhere can start end up indoors in time for the trying to fit 36points hours should into a 24 day. It’s match. Bonus behour awarded foreasy fresh air to forget it’s a and timeguilt to relax spend quality should and creativity freeand football watching time with your family. This month’s activity is ensue. about spending time together and creating a gift for someone that costs nothing, but will mean a Indoor Gardens lot. The children at Munchkinos really enjoyed making Spend time together fairy gardens outside and asked if they could take Take ahome familytowalk through the woods and enjoy them show their parents. So we collecting pinethe cones, holly, in fact came up with idea leaves, of recreating the anythinginyou find shoe that you think gardens empty boxes. It'swould a very look nice displayed in a jar. Unusual shaped twigs, pieces of bark and even pebbles are great. Wash them in a activity can keep your little munchkins colander dry withhave kitchen roll. going for and ages.pat It doesn't to be a fairy garden. We have made monster During alien the match homes, planets, prehistoric lands , Set upparks the items havethe foundin the corner of farms, and ayou jungle possibilithe are room with the glass jar (you can use plastic if ties endless. (See photos; scale the children too young to useface the glass ones) obviously notare important Smiling and encourage them to try out different displays (black and white)) until they find one that they like. This activity lastedyou 1.5 hours What need with our children; plenty of time to watch the match. When the display is complete they can add the lid (shoe and decorate it. We also An empty container box or similar) added a battery operated tealight that added warmth the display.your child decides Any smalltotoys/props An imagination Alternatives Sprayto the pinecones with glitter hair spray or glue How create your garden them and add normal glitter. You could even spay them with airtime freshner add a splash of paint. Spend some with or your child Wishing you a very park Merry exploring theall garden, orChristmas any greenand a HappyTake Newsome Year, from of us atbits Munchkinos. space. time all to collect they think would help to create a

Supplies even painted the stones to make them look prehistoric (for the dinosaur garden). Take all of your materials inside along with an empty box and allow your child Recycled glass to be creative whilstjar you watch the football. They can

Pine cones smiling eyes Holly

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98 Quiz Answers Quiz Answers Vital Information; Bayo isn’t quite that fat!!! Mind Puzzles 1)Keep the first bulb switched on for a few minutes. It gets warm, right? So all you have to do then is ... switch it off, switch another one on, walk into the room with bulbs, touch them and tell which one was switched on as the first one (the warm one) and the others can be easily identified :-) 2) Son 3) All the tools are random things that are not going to help you. All you have to do is pour some water into the pipe so that the ball swims up on the surface. And if you say that you don’t have any water, then think about what you drank today and if you can use that somehow :-) 4) The man is of short stature. He can’t reach the upper elevator buttons, but he can ask people to push them for him. He can also push them with his umbrella 5) Throw it straight up in the air 6) 12:44 7) The wise man told them to switch camels.

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Someone Clever!!

We have found someone clever! I’d love to hear from other clever people though. Be good to have a specialist writing something interesting in the magazine. Get In touch 07880 369545 info@jackswan.co.uk

Don’t Foget To Show Your Card! If In Doubt; ASK!!!

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