Columbus Sucks Because You Suck April 2010

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6m€&am ffgs€ff'eg&ry€ro By |im Ride W8ren trrv;rs $9 I spei-a{haB$a yeen trave$ing ;lr*und Mexica with a frieeld. I spcke ss litt{e Spaaaishthen {?l;lt la'tleravaric*s anai*r everlts *f all*ri*rl.l Mexir;an fuist*ry wculd happen arsilnd us. I bare?y u*eiers{r:sr.i m."ir"ttryas we happexixeg,much tress{he *ppcrt*xti{ies aard d-ar:gee-s r.vere exg*csir-rg*ursetrves t*. L-ike,lve r,vere in &{e.uic*Ciny w'fuen the s{{.ederets *f &4exiilcJ's Vl.+ F.#, universitv sv:;ters s.n'entcu{ !;iiT ,# o* strike'aaad*ccr-rpiedtheir * carilpuses and buildings" Sparn and I had nret som€1 str:den{s and needed a piace to stay. trcould vaguelv figure out that tl.ley rvere *ff'ering als a place to crash, and as w'e made ouil way over Lrarricariesanr} past miii{ary checkpaints in{o a rnassive cr:ilege r*arplex that had cieariy heen recently f;:ken over by flrlrce drrring a vi*lenl prcte-st. it !"rr:gan{*r dar,vn on ruc {h;et s*m*{l"ling hlg t}aat I .iri lv;asy*t*iazg'::,;:''t&;i r{ic-}n'tetreclenstand t:tt tlgtr'tl, ;tltcl illilybr'r tr Eli**ltl

tr#s# strffig& *s werlt !rrrtlrer SOtE{t} ;r{id spent a few mi}nt[]5 v*&l[Jilt*t'E^ing human rigl-rts *bs*rvers and theer or"ldrinking-14r'a{e!" c*ns{r'uction prt{ects in a paE"tsf the cccintr3' {il;lf haq*g$$le in{r: arrned re}:el}ion agailrst t}re &4e.qic*ng$1/er-fiH}e&t'g{} r-etrosflect,as a clueless kid in a !val-zorle lvha cor"lldn't speak the local langu;lge and had all ttre cofilmon sense of .your average teenage pttnk {-CIcker,I probably desenved to r,vind tlp in $srne se{'{ ofl pris*m r:e-tvstrse" Btlt that dicl n$t trappen. {ndee{*, { gcr{ a new. lease *n iife. ,{!tli*ugh ['al ]reen ara activist arad had sclne pcii{ical heliefs, *r*stly rippecl frcrn Fretn:aga*dfii t3'-ricsnr the varic*s h{ax'xist pamphiet ['d {*ave fying anound {&y rs$st {* scare ft}y g}arents"going ts Mesic* ;ans$w'ifnessing a big iunpressi*n st] rne. A[ arl genuin* social stnuggie s.slade age r+'he* t mighetfilsre sensihly laave be*c? gett *g a nlce arselessliberal arts c*l{ege degree, { lvas irestead pirking c*rn igl a village with fu{ayar*peasaratslvhc had chased off {lrcir **ra| };rftdswner' ',q.'i{hgutrs ;Es}dt}"}€nflacei{ dcwn t$re {Tiy*" &4exrcei Mes ic;alt {AT lvas a$:uzz rs'i{h p*litica-l irn tire 9*s, and nebetr&iqln ;ll{hnug}r it w'as not my country, the ideas arld ',1,.1::r t;.i.\'41 dreanes cf the futrexican ::i#t!+,;;"i i j.::t:i.I. :til.l left gave !fie a value systeru and itrspiratinll a bit urore sciici tllan soille shitty Canadian pop-punk banrt's lyr ics. I c;arneb;rck to ttle US a ceimmitted lefltist.and werlt c}r}a* spend the n*xt riecade rvorking t* nverlht'ow capi tal i s min *ne irl*alistit; halt inr:{J*s:tiv* v'enttrre ;ef,{er{lsq:x*xf.

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lt was rn"ycollege. 'l-his year" rny twenties are conring to an end. And so, it rnoukl seeul" is the dream of L.atin Amenican sor;ialism as well. What CIncelooked like an inevitable tide of revolution has been decisively defeated * in part hry{"J3-backed &tTV, dictators anrl cleath squarls, but also by Coca*Cclaer.ncl eEer:toralref'*r'misrtr ancl political reality. Mq:stcountries none d*w'll ttrere totlay lrave treft*IeaninggCIvernrnents,krr."lt *f'theln are ahout to kill {he bourgeoisie arid erubark on

was ac{ually funded and suglporter}lry our fdovernmsnt!}" Anyways, orltr flight r,vasfine, althougtr Sri;-rn'sdir{y and clamaged passpCIrtsbl'ir:{}y gave Ctrhan sectenitysorne cCIncet'xls[h;rt rve migtrt be CIA spies (a sec;cndlaCIk;rt nnr riirty. disheveled clotl"ringrnust leave assur-ed{}rern that it we were indeed spies, it cor.rklonly be for a truly failed c*untrv* of no threat to them).

We traveled arounetrCuba fbr the better part a{';l lnontrhgoing to Cienfuegos.l'rinidad anqi Santa Clara hut spendinl4 rn*st of our time in l{avana" Which, by the way, is t}re

" We got drunk with somehookersat our hotel bar, and then wound up having a fistfight with each other in our hotel room in which the only thingsthat got broken were my glasses,a woodentableand our dignity." making a utcpian society.

This seenrs like a fitting realization to d;rwn on nle as rlly olvn revolutionary twenties draws to a close - you wake up one day terfind yourself kind of an old rnan, a union I:ureaucrat, an aging poli{ico with biils to pay who rnost tikety ivitrl not be rnemorializectrby stattee on plaque in a post-revolutionary workers'paractise in the future. So as a farewetrl present anrJ fond goor{bye to a fun but ultirnately fruitless decade spent enthralled by thredreatn of Latin .&rnerican socialisnre,{ decided {his year to rnake o{}e rnore visit south of the border, to the last rernaining holdsut against the capitalis{ tieXeof prcgress.

Cuba - the rCIguestate 90 rniles south sf'Miarni, defying and infuriating Yankee irnperialists f'or half a century made Cuba {hrefirst {and, ultimatetry,last} socia}ist state in t}re rvestern hernisphere. As far as I coutrdtell, the Cqiban s*cialist gCIvernment was on its last legs - a tottering ecCI{}c}my and a decrepit p*litical dictat*rship that, fon all its merits, was pr*bably not going to survive much l*nger now that fridel Castro had terminal cancer. trwanted to see tt btfcre i{ was gCIr}e.The nevoh-r{icnary}irn of his 20s" and tlae e'evclutionanydream cf Latin America, slowly ccnring tc a {:lose,having sne last er}core on reuarinn {ogetllen. My l:*usenrate Eriarr saic},"i-{el}yeah, Cntrirnlbtrssucks in Fel-x-uaryfir]],bv;r,v"'" and a rn;igaein* writer frienr] of *trns n;rr*sd Aareleri*ined up ;;n lq'e$l.Ttrr-ee;rgir:g pr"ulksorr v;lca{i** in th* w*rk*fs" paradise. saying fuilelw:ll 1* ttlt: rdli{u# sta{e bcf*lr thc gcvernryr*nt {alls and tlre Mianri r:xiles r-efurn. ll's ttc?rnic;*lly,' illeg;-rlf*r dsxr*e'it:a**fs"rvisi? L}"rh;e" $* yeiu lu:lvt:t* g* {r: Li*r.rthernh4*.xir:*f irsf, llt"l{.1 t}}{*i fly *v*r fr.r l{ar'l;r-ra{r-*rn t$"1*:r'e.'l'hc} {.il};an r:rrs{tllnsp**g:lt':krrrlw crl}{ls: gr;essp:*i'tr, s{;lnegr.1,'{}{Ir r.;c:;rllv*n r'*:*lly ltelvcr1{}lv{}r'ilv'afi*ut is ihsl p:l;.nl*s{htln-rstrlvex. &4;rnyl{igfrts {* Culu,r*n *k} Sr:liir,r{q:rr;r;,lirr;r';lf{;ers:nq:t *luacLiy rrp t# &ffieriql;e* s;lfl,rt-v c-:$**,1$" ;l:td ;iis{} riglflf "willpg;rr*xi-{J;rstl'*$.r:rr"*r-is{s st-lpgr*llr::d *:1,*rrr'$*r]r-rlr"rrry)**t ll;:vr;rhElenkrrctrvrrtr* blr:everg:f'li54lltxi*ttl tst Fl;av;ln;r,Lik"*l\t;tl tirlrE:ilr {$l* ?{ls l}rs,:vkitrl#r!;* 3:[;:ne,: TmLl {-rrirasrttt:rurg*l'x rvilh a pi;rnttlrf}:*nrh {tlrz{zxtiSrtr 'l'futl gtt't*r tt 1J"11 twt.x'st;:\t.l^ *fi';,lii'liucltt:.t"r*t"i*tyr itr tht.l ltx.i:r'eli*tr:tlr,::tt:t

coCIlestcity I'r'e ever been to. trrnaginean incredibly ornate, beautiful cXdmansiol-r,abandoned and left to rot and decornposefor decades. Now irnagine that rnansion is an entire city, anri inlrabited hy the cocles{ five neillion people in theehemrisptrere.,A,visit t$ any foneign country reveals various colorful cultural eccentricities. but Cirba takes it to {heeextreme. For instance, arffin-atin American countries have tons of s{ray dogs tryixrg to survive on []re sfreet * br:t in Cuba, for reasons that remain rnysteri*us, all the stray dogs are tiny breeds, wieerer dogs m*stiy. Another {hing: Cubans love baseball. so much so {Fratthere is all entire park in downtown [{avana, that all day and night is filled with hundreds of Cuban Enen,who come there specifically to debate anct argue abor.lt ttre local basebaltrleague wi{h each other. When you first see it, it looks }ike a srnall riot is about to ttrrn yiolent, dozens of rnen screaming at each othler, shaking fists and waving arms - but this is just their vension of sports talk radio. Screaming sports fans. stan,ing lviener dogs, classic 50s cars, cnurnbling mansi*ns, governrnent-sponsored anti*imperialist rallies, t*ns of ice cream but no vegetables,anrtra multi-racial society that seems almost irnpossrblydiverse and integrated - Cuba's a lteltrof a sighl.

I guess what eveilyCInâ‚Źwants tc knorv is, ilr:w has s*cialism rvcrked *ut {br tLretuha*s. It's abcl:t r+,haty*u rq'*nkl expec{. iln t}"lel*ne !ra*d, Cuba tras better pt*lic services tl"lan tl're res{ sf La.ticl r\trreriq;;l - {*6r*nr:tch healtl"rcars"eclarca{irln;lnd spr:r"tsiar:ilifies, and a s*r:ial s;:filty net that preivides ;r b;lsic st;lsrr!;rrtlof living t* every C*ban. Cuba is lh*: i:**{ plar:* !n l.atin ,4*rr:rit;ato bc potlr, tluet'sfqlr sur"c.But *n tlr* *ther ha*d, sclr:i;)lisrnl'l;ls ximp;ly {aikx! {* r:rs;:te ,:lny ra'*:;llth"^fhq:ireu#r}{}r:}yis ri*ing a li{tle: lmtfe:r tslal;rytlurn it w;rs in thr: cl;lrk days *f th* *arly Q0s, a{'tr:r lNlec*lla6:s* *f tlr*,:$*vi*t tlnion {th*n {.r.rhil'srnnin r$alglrr" in{* ihe,ld;lrh {:}FI{r$ tl*ddy] yslu*,a.t:r.1 {l'ls:ra,r in a sur{ef** ;,ertdcll;u:tic w;l--v.I':ilr *v*r';11tr, thr:r'* iu very lit{le rniltt:r'i;ll n"vq:;alih ll"rr:c"r:.

I k**r+' plc*l,v r.lf l-rig:6ricx wh* r*i6gfutthisrh {fint x*frilcJsjlrx{ f in<,r.;l.trc.f ,i:}r,tltf.i*tr iu iiirxi"} nicc {* }i{:{^l :rur'{3"it. witetxt kirJg;irt s{ill enl*rr;,eini*g tlr*':Ensfilvrr}:3'pl;lying f:*iX iri {itq.lxtl"*e{ i*n{txed *f h*ing glutxl tqrlhc,:it'Xb*.q*s ;tlrd h;.:citir*y el*n't {}t{:l}} {,*lx.,l'${){.{}nfi*lvix sc.-} ir:rrli i;*st fs#cl, Ltrret

irave erroughfbreign exchangerurrency to buy vegetables to f'eedthe isiand.The fooclis withrouta doubt the rvorst I trave ever experienced.

I'owards the end of,our month there I was experiencing what I carneto call vegetablemadness,a state of delirir.rrn causedby not eating anything green for too weeks in a row. I started trying to bribe wairers tcrbring me an extra tomato or wlratever,and they would laugh in nry face"',No hav, no hav, loco."This paradox betlveena ftrnctional wel{'arestate that keepspeopleedr.rcated, heal{hyand sâ&#x201A;Źcure,and an econornyso prirnitive you don't get enough tc eat on a regular basisis reflectedin a popular ioke in -'what are the accornplishrrnents Ftravana. cf the revorution?

Flealtlrcare, educationand sports.sfhat are llre failnres of the revolution?tsreakfast,lunch and dinner." Hopefully when lrirtelfinally kicksthe bucket,his brcttrer Raul will be able to inlplerulentsornernarket neformsin partnershipwith the Chinesegovernrnentaimed at s{irnulatingsome economicgrowth, Betrieve rne,as a longtime lefty who hates capitalismanctrthe rich l do not like admitting that there are somegood things atiout free marketsand econornicgrowttr.

But rvhat can I say?Vegetablernadnessis no fun, people.A societyeither producesrvealthor it starves.Most cubans seem to rryantttre forrner.

Overall,['d have to say that I gof a n]rlr.efavsrable impressionof the Cubansystemthan I expected.We rnet many penple,over and over",who told us that they liked their systernand ttroughtit would last.A gcod exarnpreof the sort of thing the cuban governrnentdoesa gocd lob at is public safety.tr'vebeen almost everywhere in Latin Arnerica,ancl almost been rnurdered a few tirnes and I can say without a rloubt that Cuba is the saf'estplacein the entire ccntinent.There is almost n* l,iolent cr:irne.Tlris is a result of both good and bad things, br:t it iust reinforces the overall feeling of stability ancl security tlult Cuban socialisnr

provides.Safe streetsare no small accornplishment ifi that part of the world - if you look at opininn polls af Latin American countries,the biggestccmplaintis the extremely high levelsnf violentcrirne.Indeed,Mexicois at this momentengagedin a civil war betlveenits drug cartels and its g{rycr{}m*:nt. whic}r the governmentis losing, becausethe cartels c*ntrol a ploodchunk cf the goverrlillent.Ileadlesshceliesin the strclelanslcons{arut kidnappingsare nn fun, and they're als* prcbably never going ilway in Mexico,becauseo{}ceyour palir:eanrl arrny get ccmprnmisedand turned irrto a crirninaldrug gang, they becomevery hard to clean up. Cutra'on{he o{hel hand? When they first discfiver*devidencea couple*f their senior rnilitary figures had becornecornplicitwith clnrg sxtuggiing.ttre govelnfilent maelethem ap*trogir.eorr televisionand then executertthem. Norryf&a/ba country that intends tn keepdrug violence away from its people.

We had a lot of fun in Cuba.We went 1oall snr'tsof cool uluseumsabout different aspectsof the revolutisn ancl their society{w}iich our c}reapskate rnagazinewriter friend rvas always trying t* rip ofl shcplifting frorn gift stores and other smart. atlryrirablebehraviorlike that). We did some bike riding, beachctrilling,hiking and exploring.We trung out in a punklgay bar in Santa Clara on drag queen nigtrt, drinking bathtub rum frorn refilled olcl bottlesr.viththe hottest !trromenon earth, i.e. gay Cr-rbancross*elressingrnen.

I took a lot of pictur-es.Brian ate a lot of vile street food.

Aaron tried to chisel a lot of poor people.

We hrappenedto be in l-{avanaon Valen{inesSay"We were missinggirls back horne,and in Cubait's hard to use ernailand impossibleto call ,America.5o, we did the natural thing: We got drunk with somelrookersat our hotel bar, and then wcund up having a fistfight with each other in pur hotel room in which the only things that got broken were my glasses,a wooden table and our dignity. Such is F,F.X;.!4

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the trarreling[ife.The rnorning after ttreseevents{he three of us had various statesof hangoversand injury, and I was newly blind. We were planning to catch a train to another city, and we lirnpedand draggedour carcassesto multiple train station,but the train had already left. Or maybeit was not leaving at all? Or perhapswe, as f'oreigners,were not altowedto ride thesetrains? $lrnuldthere be another train?

Yes,somesairl.No,other schedulesclairned.&{aybe,perhaps, wfro the fuck knows.Confusionreigned sug:remeat every train statiCInin tr-{avana.

It ycu ever r,vanta good critique of sccialismin practice,visit a Cubantrain station.Anclif you ever want a gootl critique of .yourselflvisit one while hungover and sore the day after you and a good friencl tried to drunkenly murder each other over a p;rir of broken glassesin a dingy hotel rCIofil.

I rernernberlookingaround that rnorning,at the ridiculouslynon-functionaltrain stalion,and at the three eif us, looking somehowdirtier and mcre patheticthan even the starving stray wiemerdogsatrlaround.It occurred to me that me and rny friends'twentieshad beenlike the Cuban experimentwith socialismitself * inspireelby noble icleas, but had not worked out as plannedor troped,but ultirnately a worthwhile ride. I originally came to Cubattrinking that iust as rny twentieswere about to end, so was rny faith in revolution anctrthe Cubansocialistgovernmentabout to end as well"After experiencingCubaI am having second thougtrts.Ferhapsrny idealismwill stick anoundanother tlecadeafter all. And maybe the Cr.rbanworkers' paradise, that rogue state cunsingat us frorn just 90 rniles south of Flcricla,will last a bit longer as well.

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FI PWANTFNHET PWANTFNI{F fColumbus SucksBecauseYou Suckis alwayssearchingfor contributors.Sendyour story' i photo.art.work review,personal,interview,dis nn Kitty McConnell, rant...you fcomic. ""I1 ' ' r r-,l '. :' !" '-r.-, -*** |it, our way to csbys.rnonthly@gmail.com.a*

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Ridiculoushorror movie *si:*il*rs in**irqic}d*

Ok.I have sern way above rny share of goofy, ridiculous, funny and bloody moviet but this is for sure a 9.5 lO in all of rhose tields, ll points in ttre blood field. I don'l know what it is ]yith lapalese pople bul sorns of 0reir movies gel goofy as fuck- It's overloaded with gor-e,but ir the same style as "Dead Alive," wherc rnosl of it is so ol/er the top and bloody thal you cant help bu1laugh your ass olT aboul inslead of feel bad for people.

The basic plot of 'Tokyo Gore Police"(without spoiling the movie more than I am in the review) is a mad scientist makes a virus and spreadsit across the nation, a virus which makesyou homicidal with rabies type stuff. Soundslike a normal movie right? Hell IIo! As soon as these "engineers"(the peopleilfected with the virus] have a limb ripped/blew/cut olT or a receive a miior wound an odd weapon grows in it's place.There is a guy with a chainsaw hand after his arm is ripped ofli a guy with guns for eyes (and an exposedbrain), oh yeah, and this crealion here, which I could never see being done by anyone other than the lapanese.

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are also really surreal Alive"" On ll"regCIrefactor this movie has tons, tons and more tons. I-ikeI said,think you have really'hadproblems if with up come orlly yorr really can rvci{'d-ass special costumes hased off really lidicslous ideas fir really good drugs, {:Gstume$Iike these: i

Of course there has 10 be a hero involvcrt,all atlractive Asian woman in a short skirt who is manic depressiveand slils.lrer wrists ihe entire movie (which is really the only gore in the movie th'1t made me cringe). For some reason a small chunk of this 'lbkyo dressedas a prostitute lrying ro calch the bad guy, wlro is movie glamoriz.esslitling your wrist. Anyway, she runs amund killing tlimps, whores and iohils all over'l'*kyo. Shr: tras a swCIrdhidden in her umbrella.

A.sfbr any ovcr tlre tnpgore-horror f'lick,tlrere illltst tre a nrassacre at ttre end, and there's a hell of a massacre in the end of this: Private copri killing fvrll/ citiz-en in the city to etlsure thel-e are tlo engiueers to hrrrt citizens. Olt, and cars strapped fo a wfirn;*n's ;lrnrs and legs learing her apart.

For sur:ha ritliculous novie it actually delvesprelty deep in the story and sticks to the plot prelly well, for some reason.$o

if you are into blood,guls, r:hir;kswith alligators for legs,e.vilcops,sword fighls and tumors, this is totally tho utovie for you. (which is an amazing websile by the way).

You can watch it streaming online at www.asian-horror-movie.com/tgp.php l\,lattTald raring:8rl0,bitchirr'.

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lly Cru |ones Ir airl't DIY but it was free and it's not like we'll be buying any of tllose cars that look like they have Down Symdrone' Someone asked why lvould Scion sponsor a metal festival?

It m;rkes sense demographicatly. Most of those attending were white, ntale, educated ald have or lvill have money one day.

Well, either that ar solneone in Toyota's marketing department just really likes rnetal.

Prior to the festival my friends dicln't know what to think.

Should we support a corporation like'l'oyota? Will we have to put up with tons of advertisernents? Hell, we dicln't even know if we'd get in trecausecur free tickets cail]e with a warning that said "arrive early, no adnnission guaranteed."

Everything from the f'ree shuttle that ran between the Newport/Bernies to Circuslskully's, will call ticket pickup, and the bands (big name vs. local, good variety, decent sound), went about as well as you could exPect.

Still, we're not buying one of those stupid-looking cars.

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ly Anthony 8in Bo$ larf playe.l a show at n lrar ttlr Parsnrrs.lwas rlropped off in the;rlk:ys sornewhercofl l|rytlen 10 finish lhe B[s{jh talllxrv my older brother gave rne (l didn't warlt to drink it in the car). I lell rny br{}ll}ors.onc who pronisr:d to see me later at the show wilh some girl. I went insidc and mel up with Max's parents who ponl cd me ba'el fi'orn their piichor. I had money but l lost rny ll) somewhere.I sal wilh .lohn and drank the beer Max'sdad galc hirn. Vhat a nico guy"Who a{c we playing wilh.l "t.. doril even know, mal. Somepop prnk shit from oul of town or somelhing."

'Oh, cool. We w$n't sound anything like them."

The bal. was "paying" us in free beers,so I asked Max lo gtlt mine. Ile was hesitant, becausehe s<rmshowdidn't utderstand that he could got;r,|l'ay with grabbing lwo ft'ee k)ors and giying ilne to nrc.Max can be renllf thick sunretime$,but what lrappenednext was ny lault. l made the mistake of hangitu out behind him when he ordered.

'I need lwo FBRs for Biff Bolf llarf." "t he wilh you?'

I

"Yeah."

"Let Ine sec yorlr lD." ' "Shit,man, I didn't evcn bring a wallel. I'll buy il though, if that makes it be1ler." i | didn't get any lleer'.ald so I was pissed. | The week betbre we played a show a1 Oldfield'son }ligh and gor kicked oul after only about five milutes on stage.I was told { I to nor come back The next day, Max said he was really disappoinledabout the show and I tblt bad becauseil was all my fault I that we got kicked out. I had piss down rny leg and had a light with the sound guy. Ve were all really drunk. You can hear that i recording on an upcoming split with Twink Bully live al Bemie's.It's really desolate.

Due to my mood and the rentarks fohn sent me in an email about lhe Oldfield'sshow, I was thinking alnut getting us kicked !

I out again. I went outside {o brood over a cigarelte in typical fashion and iust then, my irrolher showed up with some girl.

"Mikev!" | "Oh,hit rrn, what's up?" , Ve spert mosl of the time before (he show oulside smoking cigarettes.My brother was high on clack and he kept i with some kid frorn Skylab,I still don't know his name.I think my brother wanted to freestyle with him jusa bccause freestyling !

I he was black,but he wasn't half bad at il. This wenl on unlil I decidedto try and get my brother my band lreers so he could give ! them to me, agreeing io le1him do some rapping on stage during our show. Tlris should have worked.

"Dude,what the fuck? How come you didn't give my Lrother any trand treers?"

N "He'snr.rlin the band." "fne hell he's notl He'splaying with us toniglrt!" | "Max gave me a ftown and a little head shake wlen he asked." i l dian't get any beer. I went outside again to snrgkeand while I was away my brotlrer .}lld this girl picked up five bucks that i I was laying on the bar, added it to lhe dollar they harl, and bought a pitclrer. When I came back we sal at a table aul he poured I me a beer while he told me a story at)out wha{ he did that day lo get beer from the corner s{ore. He came over to the :store i from my sister's house across the street tvhen somebodyfrom inside was setting off fireworks on lhe corner. lle didrt'i have , any money and rvas high on crack. He bld the guys who owned lIrc place to walch what there were doing becauseReebAve. . has lots of cops thal palrol it all the time- "l'heguy said he wasnt wonicd aboui il lrecausehe had:r case of big M 80s. I don't I know why that meant he wouldn'l gel in trouble, trut I didn't want lo inlerrupt the siory. A cop pulled up to lhe cornel and was pissedaboul the fireworks. My brother said, i '1 bef you lwo beer-sl'll lhrow one of those at thal molhernrckcr." i The owner agreed and laughed.My br"otherlit one inside the store and leaned out, yelling al the {x}pwho was rrol more ! f than ten feet away at the slop sign inside of his car.

"Vhat wor d yorr do if I threw a tirecracker at you?' i "fd probably shoot your dumb ass." i Right then, my brother threw lhe lirecracker, lt exploiled before it ltil ihe car.

I f didnl think you were gonna do lhat. yorr rrazy rnorherfucker."'Ihe cop soemedlike he rhought it was funny'. i "Give me another one!" i "lf you throw anolher one I'n gonna take your ass to iail. [ My brolher gol his beers and the cop lefl. I laugherlat his $ p "BAi,'lMD"txNttinu.td ar) Inge 12

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sttlr,y and I lrr:iir,:vcd[l]nr tnr:, bet;lrusc lre really i.sa t:t'ar"y rntltflrrrfur;kcr.We ptr;r,-'rld the strrnriafter t[rat antt it sirched, il rs';isreally lame. lW3'hrurlr*:r did his ir-ecstylc br"rty*rt cctrkln'f Iu,r;rrit uvtx' the guit;.1r.uf {:*r^u';*.X kicked hinr olT *l t}rt s{;rgr: *fter a wirile. Af'ter th* sht:ra',Mux anrl fohn i*{'t t*gr:tl:er in .$t:rrrf'.r]*r* t:lsr's van that fchn lultl hnrr*rveq.l",\t3'br'*fh*r, tlris gia{ ;xrei I u'tr"c sl"rpg:*sedftl g*t ;l ride {r*ut tn,t'cttttsirr, btrt nrc: didn't ;ln$\,$el.his n:l"rnneand is rtctr.il'i*r.nil*r ditr;lii*g. Iltl riitch*d my hr'*llrqrr:llt*r th*-y"tliri sr:nre':lhingillttg;:l ierst twr: da,v.xbefbre" &{,vbrr:tlx:r' rvils tlt.{t:rnrined ilrr* fliis girl lu'ls rvhilrinSXilb*ut lvalking l:aek trl th* s*ulh cnd. It wasn'l th*t bi"11 *L ;l rvalk, re*ll.v, **ly ahcut tlqr* antl a half v*iles in ;: x{i';light line *n sitklwalk. tle {*ld us tc rvait cutside asxl rvlterr I r.vas rclling this guy ;lbout why sr:rr:anrirrgvr:cals weren't as trite antl stuJ:id as o;lrlra v*citls t:yer guitar., my br*llrer cilrne back outside. When he rvas in [frere ]rt: distracted tlris st;,llf persr]r] ar:d lvlrile shfl lvasn't lonking he tnak everything ttrat rv;ls in {lte t*p drawcr uf their {ncl bcr whiclt rvas bar:kst;rge"F{etrad a pair af Vise grip pliers, ;l file and a couple of big lls( hc;:d srrE:wdriver$, l?e rvaited sn the sielewalk outsirle *f the bar while he lvent lo steal fhe car that was parked next t* it, Bel'r:re he got it starterl ;r cop rolled dorvn Parsans and tapped his breaks right outside af tlle bar" Me and this girl stared at tl"re cop and lve lvere sure we were going to go to jail. 'l'he cclp

rolled r:n and we were safe,we thought. My trrotlrer appeared frcrn arsund the corner later, spitting crushedsaf'etyglassand pulling it [l-omhis pockets.I never even heard the window break" "You seethat? Shit,I threw the screwdriversup on the [-{edidn't see rne or he would have stopped.T}iat r,vastlte hardestcolurnnto peel ever!"

We only had ta walk to GermanVillagewhen my brother called his stepdadand he pickedus up. F-lewas still pulling glassfrorn his trrockets and I still couldn'trernemberever hearing a wind*w break.

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'r Yfu r-. ttj a6a,1u'rt"

" WE$COMIC" t{}ntinued fi'om page 16... tried tr: ptrslrtteestrip int* tl'r*sevenuâ&#x201A;Źs a?.all? y*u Ftrave !F:

have no idea what I arn talking about) - or did you learn that ; neededby the site?

at tryi*g t* push rxryway in ffi#: I've irad very little $qxtcess nxrywhere.I'd rather spenciti"lat{irne working cn ttle ccuricrs.

DG: I learned html for f'un very long ago and I've added everythingelse as I've neededit.

$F: What is intriguing abeiut{he cc}rnic$tri$}as a f$rrxlat?

JP: Topatcodistributesyour baoksbtrt you had them published yourselff

*6: N* csretakesit s*ricusly" $F: Becauseall they ran see is the trnditirur;ilgrernmer clf ig?

DG: l'es.

ffiS: fven rvhe:-rcorrrics{rar:scenderlleiw al't f* bec*nle Maus and Kun t?ege|r, {he csrnic *{r'ip with the gag at {he end stayed behind.

IP' What was that prCIcesslike?

DG: Long,but I'm a pert'ectionist.

!F: Why dtl you thirrk that is?

lP: Has the distribution been solelythrough online sales?

SG: i rl*n't k*urv. btrt I like it.

DG: I initiatly made an effbrt to get them our to a f'ew independentbookstoresthat offered them on commission.But keepingtabs on the dozen tiny checksowed rne was a pain, an trying to keep the final cost of the book decent while making only 40 or 50 percent of the salesprice was hard to do withou losing money.

does'l $F: Is that akin to the snusic?he BasementApar-tments SG: The $a$Ieis true wittr everything I make. !F: Cor.ridyou get away with saying the same thirrgs i* Cat and GlrJwith*ut having a humsr"srisveneer to it?

fP: Did you make a point of not putting it on Amazonor was that not an option?

*&: t had an Englishteacher in high schc*l who told {I}emy writing would be bet{q:rif I wasn't trry'ingto be funny. But the fr.rnnyparts r&'ered"repoint, arudare the point * ttre rest of the content is iust the chewimghum that holds it tagether.

DG: I never lookedinto it. I think you need an ISBNnumber for that kind of thing. Cat and Girtrare smaller than that. |P: Is The BasementApartmentsstill a band?

$F: Who h*s, trgue$s,"infqrrr,led"y*u hur*cr?

DG: It's at leaston hiatus.Mister Chenand I movedback to Ne York and the other guy is still in Tucson.t think we're all doing "Rttoda," ffi#: fo{attGroening,NathalrielWest,newspapercoxnics, different musicalthings now. |*ten Waters and Euro{.}eanfiistnry.

$F: So you hang *ut witir sltherpe*ple rvleornakec*mics?

fP: Flaveyou been in bands throughoutyour time making Car and GirE

cnr*ics. W* see eactr stll*r 33#:I have a fr"ie*r}whs] xrifi'kes i:ecause*ur ha*rdsplay togcther-.{ r!*n't r*ally traxtg*r"rtwith other pe*ple whu make cerrnicslust br:c;msethey make cornics.

DG: Cat and Girl started in 1999.I began my membershipin a series of forgettablebands in 2002 or so.

trl h* pleers? $F: ,Arerlrenepeclpleyolr {rr:residen

fP: Is there anything beyond"creativepeople"to explain why so many peoplemaking comicsare musicians?

cln thc trntr:rlte{,I guess. ilclxslics *#: *th*r p*elpll*rvB:*c*a-alv wi{h th* Tr:g*a{ur*rvehslt*,tlarntghI c*nxirier f}**ple ;*s:l*ili;)le:ql {han Xarn {amd xll *f t*x*xc:p**6rl* f'rrffidegr**ls rr;*re pur:flessir'll s*,}. dsscr^s'eclly $F: trVh;rte3*y** $:nv*t* elcalwlfh {*c}tnic*l}yin publisht*ga ttt* trtrternxrt?

Ar"r t*r*:rt:n:allrlwidtfirrenc*r$ls{x" r*rnir; strip rslr't {}r.;ar* th*:r'* g:r'*}:i*mswith tlt* sqlrvic;* alp*n{ing{^:#{?{:*}:}}s? g:rciviti*r'l

IIG: I used to think that peoplewho made pictures must be naturally good at also making rnusic.Or that peoplexraking music must tre naturally good at writing. Now I don'f think nature has anything to do with it. If you're dr-iyento make things you're going to make things,regardlessof talent.And if you're talentedbut you're not driven in that way yrlu're never going to make anything p

|P: Do you ev$r have issuesmairtaining the aln*unt of drive it takesto do multiplecornir;sand the band and Very SnrallArray fi:*rtElrryiqnth is*ue l3r*;lnatr*s{ h&s hc:r:$ill*;trr ffiffi:'lh* f*w firnr.,rs ixsx*ls x*s"r. h:r:h*ir:;rtr i have fu{$*{clf'qh* Ilxs k*a:l'rv*ry k"i*d"t* DG: I don't knolv what else I rvoukl do. Yor.rcan only;pend sa - atry:*rnir;*l t"tyirn*t* i$s*t:s"l.*sr r'*r*nth ialVei:"tlpx"*xs t*t* 1z.tsl. mrrr:htinrerearling. was nlisslnp;.I anelsttdriexltr? ft d;etnhms* etrrl*rtin ;ln {}I-r"t}r, issu*s l* *r;rke rxys*}f respi*.lrrxi3:l* kn*w ****gh xfu*uf l*:t;furlic;*l |P: [:,venwhen if's on the Internet? f*lr tfreffi.hu{ fic}{en*t'lgfltfaa{if r}**sn't {xke;rit# *ntil't:ly l*n l*ng, ilS: 'l'fiat'eiev*l! w$r'!ie.

am:t*xfq"rn:t':rJ f* th;lt {;*g:*:l *['f<:?3.?g]t"t{c}r"izzg {l }ff: Wr:r* y*u ;:ltrr:*;.tt|y

t4

$F: So even though you are making products/brancl/etcyorl still "feel bet{er"than the alteppative? ffiG:No,not at all. $F: |ust a rlilemrnathen?

DG: I'm willing to sell peoplestuff they don't need if it means I can get by on a day-to-day basis.I can hope that Iin srrbstituring my sluff for someoneelse'ssluff and not increasing the sum tolal of stuff in the world, but I don't know. lP: Vere you surprised by the demand for "stuff' besidesyour book?

DG: There's not a huge demand,and what there is had Lreengrowing very slowly. (At least until the economiccollapseof the world, when {hat stopped.) fP: I say surprised becauseCat and Girl has a strong feel of capitalist critique to it, so maybe sorneonewho liked it a lot would nol necessarilywant to buy it. Are you able to live off of that demand even thotrgh it is not huge? Or do you have to supplemenl ir?

DG: I wash my clothes in the sink, but I do make a living from comics.

IF: Is that about rhe normal situation fbr a more popular webcomic?

DG: The few times I've i-ead about people determined to make a living rnaking their webcomic, they usuall.y have a goal in mind - an amount of moneY per year that will allow them to leave their job. This amount is always more than I have ever made. (These aren't people lvith unrealistic notions * they are people who have accomplished their goal.) |F: Sort of off topic: Were yau doing zines before your friend suggested webcomics?

SS: I was pril]{ing cfixi}ics riut at a cCImputer lab and pasting t}rem up ar'ound town, $F: *id y$u feel c$rlrlec{ed to'"zine ci*ti}r's." i

S#: The first fwo {at and Sirf pa&lic,alies}s w*{'e lirttr{,: zir}es,and I liked fi!;trly a$pects *f that {;ul[{Jre * threlrand*rad* r:p:li[ar:t, th*l persnilatrcern{nur}icatisn but I never ir*t $ikeia F}firt#f ir" slurre a lllt with aines trite *hs*rv;,rtielfi. f gucs$* br-rtthery h*th c*g*nder a l{it *f niche t*pir,, *iit iF: [t $eems]ik* rvelm*rfti{j$ ctxlcc{"r}9.

$G: {i;irner-sv*rsrrs v{.lg;e{}$ rvit}a fuic-'icfes" $P: tinattll*tic;.!l;ifil{: l* fut: r*Jc-{:.tf*s {,af "zt}d {;irl brNln antlrol*gizt:d firr{side *{ fhe h*tlk 'l'*d lt;lll r]{iife{t,Attitutk: .:l:'l'hiljN**.v Suhversivt: Onli ne Car-t*on i,sts'/ SG: Nope.

15

Cats,girls and webcomics An interview with Dorothy Gambrell Dorothy Gambrell is the creator of 1helong running and overly educatedwebcomictitled Cat and Girl that successlully slraddles the line belween knock-knockioke and philosophicaldialogue.Gambrellalso produceshumorous/sadinfographics at verysmallarray.com,keepsan ongoing document of how she spendsother people'smoney at Donation Derby and made anoltrer strip (now dead) called "The New Adventures of Death."One of her punk bands,The BasementApartments,has a song about 'l-heother is called fenny and the Holzers.Gmail Chat from Feb,23' JacquesCousteau. |ames Payne: Okay,so to be as general as possibleal firsl, why webcomics?

Dorothy Gambrell: It wasn't a consciousdecision.I drew some Cat and Girl cartoons.A friend of mine liked reading comics online and in 1999there weren't a whole lot of comicsonline, so he suggestedI put mine up. I did. |P: Do you haye interest in publishing where comic strips have been tradilionally seen?Like allernative weeklies?

DG: I grew up reading the cartoonsin the newspaperevery morning - all of them,even Apartment3-G.trdo feel a warmth towards the idea of my cartoonsin print, but it's a nostalgicwarmth. In rny limi{ed experiencewith print as it exists now, you get the editorial limitationsof a family-friendly venue with the miniscule financial returns of the panicky newspaper world. !F: How does the economic rnodel of your webcomic compare or contrast with that experience?

DG: lt's decentralized.I use this quote in the beginning ol the first Donation Derby book "As long as I live under the capitalistic systemI expect to have my life influenced by the demandsof moneyedpeople.But I will be damned if I proposeto be at ttie beck and call of every itinerant scoundrel who has two cents to invest in a postagestamp."- lvilliam Faulkner I would rather be at the beck and call of tens of thousandsof peoplewith two cents than a singular paying entity. fP: Yeah,a loi of my friends who are "punk" becausethey don't like capitalismended up starting businesses are webcomics sort of like that?

DG: Yeah,at a certain point self-createdenterprise presentsitself as the altemative to working for olher people.As opposed the alternative to some vaguely defined notion of integrity. ^WEECSMIC" continued sn page 14...