The Orbital

THE ORBITAL

LAST ISSUE 2010 / 2011 // FREE INSIDE: Interviews / Creative Writing / Arts & Crafts

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INSIDE THE LAST ORBITAL OF THIS TERM

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THE ORBITAL EXECUTIVE EDITOR // SARAH RAHMAN vpcomcam@su.rhul.ac.uk EDITOR // ANOOSHEH DASTBAZ editor@theorbital.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR // DAN KELLY deputyeditor@theorbital.co.uk ARTS DIRECTOR // JAMES HEARN art@theorbital.co.uk CULTURE EDITOR // CHRIS PRITCHARD culture@theorbital.co.uk LIFESTYLE EDITOR // KATHRYN COLWELL lifestyle@theorbital.co.uk SOCIETY EDITOR // EMILY SMYTH society@theorbital.co.uk

CORRESPONDENTS DIALOGUE // LOUISE QUICK FASHION // ELOISE WILLIAMSON ARTS & CRAFTS // ANNA SNOWBALL LITERARY // JAMIE ATKINS MUSIC // SEL BULUT ART // KATE WOOD HILL FILM // EMILY COPLEY WITH EKSTRA SPEKTRAL THANKS TO COVERS // ALICE HEATH & MAX CAMBRIDGE PHOTOS // PHOTO SOC ARTS TEAM // SUBMISSIONS TEAM Submissions: submissions@theorbital.co.uk Art & Design: art@theorbital.co.uk 2 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

EDITORIAL The first editorial we wrote for this thing said “bear with us, we’re learning” - it’s true, we have been. We’ve come as far as we have with little to no guidance. Every single individual who has contributed in any way to The Orbital to date needs a great big hug and a confectionary treat of their choice.

We’re immensely proud of what we’ve done. We rarely hear that we’ve done a good job, but when we leave a few copies lying around for you to pick up and come back the next day to see none left, that’s when we know we’ve got to be doing something right.

We also mentioned in our first editorial that The Orbital had come a long way from the very first issue in September of 1986: three people putting together four pages. These days, it’s a plethora of people putting together 84 pages. With every edition, with every new board that comes in, and with every new article, it has genuinely improved. Who knows what the next board will bring to the table? Perhaps less furniture-related word-play. Whatever they do, we’re thoroughly excited.

So, we guess it’s goodbye from us. Don’t worry though, we’ll still be kicking around. Most of us have a year or so left at this establishment, but even the finalists won’t be able to resist coming back to see how it’s all going. We’ll stay dedicated to making this university and the community on campus more awesome in any way we can. Hopefully, you will too. If you guys need anything, you can count on us, I’m sure. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find us, maybe you can call on... The O-Team.

One last thing - it’s easy to complain about how there’s stuff wrong on campus, but it’s far more rewarding to get involved and try to do something about it. That’s what we ended up doing. Despite all the blood, sweat, tears, vomit, and amniotic fluid we shed along the way, we know it was all worth it.

So we’ll leave you with something we wrote in our first editorial, and we hope you’ll remember it: “This is your publication. We really can’t stress that enough.”

Stay groovy, Royal Holloway.

We remain yours sincerely, The Orbital xxx

13 Arts & crafts

SABBs corner

16

57-65

West-end sit-in

Creative writing competition

YOU REBEL SCUM

An interview with a star from Star Wars.

48 & 49

40-45

Photography

London Mozart Players

50 & 51

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SOC IETY 4 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

Holloway Drama Soc take ‘Haverfordwest’ to Edinburgh.

ARTICLE // Joseph Twilley

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“The themes of exploration in the play are very relevant to young people.”

nterview with Ursula Clayton (Assistant Producer) and Georgia Coles-Riley (Writer) So can you give us a brief summary of the play?

It aims to recreate the sterile environment of a rural idyll and to explore the symptoms of social stagnation in modern Wales and beyond. The piece explores the emotional turmoil that a stifling provincial upbringing can result in during the beginning stages of self discovery, and examines the homophobia and sexual naivety of teenagers from isolated rural backwaters.

How did you get involved with the project?

GCR – Well I wrote the script to apply for the Royal Court young writer’s project and decided to write about my hometown, Haverfordwest. As I was writing I realised it would be a good play for young university actors, as it presented a chance to work closely with a group of actors and learn from

them whilst writing.

UC – I shadowed producer Imogen Robertson, who’s also producer for this, when we did ‘Ripen our Darkness’ so she invited me to be assistant for this. I’m thoroughly enjoying it!

What makes the show stand out and so suitable for Edinburgh?

GCR – I think it’s the fact that it’s new writing, under constant development in rehearsal and so is always fresh and exciting. The actors are so close to the characters, so when in Edinburgh they can improvise off each other - every night will be different! The themes of exploration in the play are very relevant to young people, with the characters going through a process of sexual and chemical exploration.

Would you define it as coming of age story then?

GCR – Well the idea behind it is set up as coming of age story, but really the

tragedy of it is that the central character doesn’t grow up and remains stuck in her emotional turmoil of being a teenager.

UC – But it’s not Skins style at all, let’s make that clear!

So how can people take part?

GCR – We need creative types to get involved, for example we want to make a trailer, so filmmakers get in touch! And we’re also doing a 24 hour play, so calling all actors writers and directors.

For more information about the play please visit and join our Facebook group: “Haverfordwest” @ Edinburgh Fringe 2011 Cast List: JAS - Tamsin Newlands ESTHER - Charlotte Lewis FINN - Amir El-Masry RHYS - Matt Mckeeever MARK - Joshua Ward THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 5

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Hardly a General Meeting of minds oughly every three weeks something quite special happens: there is a gathering in the Students’ Union for two

hours of elected officials and all interested students. What do they do?

Why, discuss Student Union affairs of course!

Now, before you skip to the art section in the belief student politics do not affect you I’d suggest you pause for thought – do you belong to a club or society; use the Library or IT Services; care that money is available for decent union nights; want campaigns for issues you care about to be run; or want your course to be managed well? Then guess what, it affects you!

General Meetings give all members (essentially every student at Holloway) the chance to raise issues for discussion and attempt to pass policies or changes to our governing charter.

The business voted on here can be vital to the direction student politics take, or as mundane as getting the bar open at these meetings (a motion I’m rather proud of introducing!) Officers and representatives can be asked absolutely anything, important announcements given and much more goes on in these meetings, but recent times have seen them become a focus of contention.

Ever since the threat of a tuition fee rise reared its head, the Students’ Union has been stuck in the middle of conflicting ideologies. Some people adamantly believe education should be free, public sector cuts are never justified and that workers should stand in solidarity to defend such values. Others, such as myself, take the stance that Higher education should be paid for, that it is not a predominantly public good but benefits the

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receiver far more. I, like others, think the current round of cuts is justified and that some of the groups opposing the changes to parts of their pay deals should pipe down. I’m not going to write about these two views or try and convince you of mine – from experience that would be rather fruitless – rather, I want to explore how this played out in the General Meetings of late.

Since this all began, it would be an understatement to say General Meetings have been contentious. Frissons of excitement, debate and lively discussion have dominated motions and policies.

I’d like to say it was all fun and games but too early on comments from both

“Ever since the threat of a tuition fee rise reared its head, the Students’ Union has been stuck in the middle of conflicting ideologies” sides of the argument led to character attacks and public denouncements, switching good people off of the actual discussion. Elected officials mandated to attend largely avoid coming and attracting newcomers is nigh on impossible. I take no pride in saying that my use of certain parts of our governing constitution is probably a contributing factor in this, but it is my duty as an elected representative (as it is for all others) to uphold this documents and the statues that control it.

On March 8th, a particularly controversial motion was tabled for discussion – one I couldn’t in good conscience allow to be discussed as it was worded in such a way to be unconstitutional and go against Charity Commission Guidelines. In layman’s terms, the motion couldn’t actually be allowed for

discussion and so I challenged it. My attempts were overturned, though to this day I have no idea why as the reasons I put forward were grounded in laws we must follow. I really do mean ‘must’, if we don’t, the outcome is very simple – any elected official can refuse to do whatever the unconstitutional motion tells them to do. Ignoring this fact for now, the meeting went on to discuss a couple of other mundane motions (mine on opening the bar and another on becoming a fully registered charity) before we actually discussed the motion to support the UCU ballot. Essentially it was saying we as a union support the University and College Union academic staff in going on strike. But when looked at in detail there were a number of problems: incorrect statistics and statements of definitive future support.

Emma Best, Rhiannon French and myself sought to fix as many of these as possible and Joe Rayment called for it to go to a referendum. It was eventually decided that an issue of this magnitude should be for the entire student body to decide on so, by the time you read this, an Emergency General Meeting will have debated the merits and demerits of supporting a strike and a vote taken between Friday 18th and Monday 21st.

The outcome of this will be interesting for Holloway as it could change the direction of campus politics but, this is not the end of such political decisions, every General Meeting is important!

Though we don’t always agree and there have been lapses in professionalism and respect, I hope to see you, dear reader, bring your voice to the crowd, sharing your knowledge and voting in accordance with your beliefs and understandings on May 17th at 8pm in the SU hall.

Article // Dave Cobb

Library Fines raise £4,500 Article // Dave Cobb

“The aim of the Project is to purchase an area of Ecuadorian rainforest equivalent to the size of Royal Holloway’s campus - 135 acres.”

The Royal Holloway Student body came together in spectacular triumph on the 9th of March to raise a record-breaking sum for the Royal Holloway Rainforest project. Students paying their book and DVD fines raised £4,525.35 to buy an area of Ecuadorian rainforest the size of campus, this is double the amount raised on any previous charity fines day.

The Facebook event seems to have been integral to the day’s success with over 600 people registering their ‘attendance’ and hundreds more being informed it was happening.

In a joint official statement; Library Services, the SU, and project leader Ashley Coates said: “We would like to thank all students and staff who sup-

ported the Royal Holloway Rainforest Project… The aim of the Project is to purchase an area of Ecuadorian rainforest equivalent to the size of Royal Holloway’s campus - 135 acres. The sum raised will purchase roughly 90 acres, which, added to funds already raised, means that the Project will secure an area totalling about 165 acres - far in excess of the original aspiration!” The project is run in partnership with the World Land Trust who take ownership of the land protected.

The future of the project has yet to be decided given the unexpected completion, but Ashley has commented that he would be happy to extend the scope of the project to ensure long term interaction with the area of rainforest being pro-

tected. However, the idea of buying other campus sized rainforests in different countries is also on the cards.

Sarah Rahman, VPComCam, jokingly suggested paying for a holiday retreat with the additional funds, an idea that Ashley has not dismissed entirely, stating it may eventually be possible to send interested parties to the Royal Holloway rainforest in Ecuador – Biologists and Geographers take note!

Anyone that paid their fine should email the Library Representative at libraryrep@su.rhul.ac.uk stating the amount they paid and official recognition will be given.

For more information visit www.royalhollowayrainforest.com THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 7

Since the start of the New Year, BALADS has been extremely busy getting involved with numerous activities that benefited members, our University and the community.

In January for instance, BALADS took part in the very successful Dance Society “Carnival” show performing a colourful and fun dance – the Samba. The following week BALADS hosted their first ever university competition – “Southern Friendly”. Despite the limited time given to organise the event and many difficulties, the competition was highly successful. There were many competitors taking part in the event that came from over ten universities and from different parts of the country.

The annual fund-raising event “Strictly Come Holloway” was hosted in the same month. Thanks to the wonderful celebrities, professionals, BALADS’ members, IDC, Dance Society and Absolute Harmony, the show was a huge success raising nearly £400 for the RAG charity.

Furthermore, February has been an extremely successful month for our society, especially the competition team. Due to the hard work of the team, Royal Holloway keeps performing better than ever before in the national university competitions. On the 19th of February at the Southern University Dance Competition (the second biggest competition of the year) our team practically dominated the Ballroom novice final event with our couples achieving sixth and second place! The hard work had to continue for the biggest university competition of the year that took place in Blackpool on the 5th of March.

This weekend shaped up to be a lot of fun for all of our members who came along to support the competition team.

Also for the first time this year BALADS were able to attend the Societies Ball and celebrate the hard work and success that has gone on this year with other societies and VPAS. The Societies Ball was a truly unforgettable evening. In order to make it more assessable BALADS subsidised £18 from each ticket ensuring more members could join in with the celebrations.

Moreover as in previous years BALADS recently took part in the “Absolute Filth” night hosted by Absolute Harmony. Despite limited rehearsal times our members performed a seductive and sexy cha-cha-cha that was a great success.

Additionally, BALADS participated in the Big Spring Clean, cleaning up the Hythe Park for the coming spring.

To top it all off we have had a wonderful Salsa guest instructor coming in teaching us the amazing Latin rhythms! The social lessons turned into an amazing Salsa Party which the members greatly enjoyed. BALADS are planning to have more of social events like that to promote the wonders of dancing to the entire University.

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BALADS MOVE FORWARD IN 2011.

Article // Anastasia Khrypach

Unappreciated - The College Chapel the Altar which stands so very proud at the far end of the chapel was initially a dark wooden colour but later re-commissioned. The brass and silver Altar cross was commissioned in 1914.

What is perhaps most disheartening is that this truly formidable chapel is enjoyed so rarely by students. For religious students there is, of course, daily worship and weekly services. However, for those like me who enjoy the chapel in its glory, the termly services (Such as those at Christmas and Easter) involve no prayer and are such an enjoyable and pleasant way to end the term.

Next time you’re walking through the Founders North entrance why not pop in to see what’s happening in the chapel soon? Or even for just a few minutes solitude in an otherwise busy student day.

//Editor’s Note// Words // Jozef Pundek I am not religious and never have been.

I rarely attend a church service and the majority of my friends are the same.

That said, on Wednesday the 2nd of March, a small group of us attended the Lizst 200 Years performance held at the College Chapel.

The performance was of course splendid, but what was also so enjoyable was to sit in the College chapel, a beautiful Victorian design with so many original features still intact. The Christmas service was equally pleasing, families and friends cramming into the Chapel as will no doubt happen this Easter. It made me think about how undervalued our chapel is. I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone in the room was able to appreciate the beauty before them in a way that surpassed my basal view of, “ooh, that’s pretty” and “this is nice”.

Thomas Holloway never saw the ecumenical chapel finished, which was the

final part of the college to be completed in 1886. The design featuring pews either side of the aisle is intended to facilitate learning. The organ which sits over the entrance was rebuilt in 1956 and then again in 1978.

Perhaps the most impressive feature is the biblical characters depicted in plaster on the ceiling. The north side contains five characters from the New Testament; the South Side has characters from the Old Testament. Throughout the chapel there are so many little interesting effects .You may notice brass plaques within the chapel - these commemorate former college staff.

The stained glass windows which line each side reflect the early years of the college.

The only window on the north side was donated by Miss Matilda Ellen Bishop (The first Principal) to commemorate the first 10 years at the college. Finally,

Royal Holloway’s Chapel Choir performs in this wonderful building on a weekly basis - described by The Times as ‘truly fabulous’, by BBC Radio 3 as ‘magnificent’ and International Record Review as ‘excellent’ - in the words of Gramophone, ‘what more could you possibly ask for?’

Concerts are held at 13:15 and generally last between half an hour and fortyfive minutes.

Anyone can attend, and the repertoire is varied enough to keep every concert innovative and fresh.

For more details about the choir and the chapel, visit: www.chapelchoir.co.uk On a personal note, I should like to say that it feels pretty classy to see a concert of classical music after a light lunch every now and then, even if your light lunch is a bowl of cereal with milk that’s a little bit funky.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 9

PENNIES NEEDED

Emily Copley tells us why you should give her your cashmonies.

One day I decided to climb a mountain.

On a whim. So here I am. Ginger, unfit, with delusions of embracing the skies.

yes myself, this girl speaking to you from the page... I will climb Mount Kilimanjaro and then I will take over the world...

I know what you’re thinking. Gingers are people too. But that’s not the point. The point is that I need to raise TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND FORTY FRIGGIN’ BRITISH POUNDS to prove the entire population of Royal Holloway wrong. I am in fact not so useless.

Neither, unfortunately, have come into action as of yet, but with your help and donations I may prevail.

After reading a previous Orbital article about the success of Holloway’s own exstudent, Bonita Norris, I shimmied along to the talk she presented in the Windsor building all those weeks ago. Yes, I went on my own, as per usual, and sat with an auditorium full of super keeno climbers, jungle explorers, adrenaline junkie campers and Ray Mears. Only joking, he wasn’t there until later. Obviously. A truly inspiring account of her climb to the summit of Everest, I sat there, alone, and came up with a master plan. I, me, 10 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

of Childreach International’s flagship events.

Childreach International is a nonprofit organisation that works in genuine partnership with local communities in the developing world to help improve children’s access to health care, education, child rights and protection.

With hundreds of volunteers taking part every year, we are dedicated to doing everything we can to raise as much money as possible; even if it includes shaving heads and self-exploitation. (No body parts will be exposed in the making of this fund-raiser).

To donate or get involved please visit my fund-raiser page by following this link: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/ emilycopley

They are the backbone of the climb, which is organised to take place on the 26th August, taking me and nine fellow Egham inhabitants to the top of Africa’s highest peak and the tallest free-standing mountain in the world.

Further instructions for fund-raising help will be posted around campus and through RAG, so keep an eye out and spare any amount of pennies you can.

They will be greatly appreciated (especially if they are proper shiny).

Without your help, all our efforts to change hundreds of lives for the better will be fruitless. ‘Climb Kili 4 Kids’ is one

Or join our Facebook Group by searching: Royal Holloway Climbs Kili For Kids.

SABBS’ CORNER The Orbital talks all things Union with the lovely Beth Rowley, Vice President of Education and Welfare I write this with blackened and dirty hands having just counted thousands of pounds raised by the Japanese Society on behalf of RAG. I feel immensely moved by this – the earthquake and subsequent tsunami have come as a devastating blow to Japan, but the way students here have rallied around to raise so much, in such a short time, has been and should be a continuing inspiration to us all. RAG buckets are available for the rest of the term in the Students’ Union reception for anyone who would like to collect money on campus.

On the subject of RAG, board elections are coming up! If you’re enthusiastic and interested in charity, drop me an email (vpedwelfare@su.rhul.ac.uk) to find out how to get involved!

So… apart from RAG, what else has been going on in the Union recently?

‘What hasn’t been going on?’ might be a

simpler question. I certainly can’t fit everything into 300 words, so here are a few highlights: One World Week – my favourite campaign of the year where we organised talks on different religions, a salsa evening, food fair, a trip to a local gurudwara, a Bollywood film night and an International music night amongst all sorts of other international and inclusive events.

Your Library Loves You – a week of library goodness co-ordinated by the fabulous Library Rep Dave Cobb. The campaign saw goody bags, stickers aplenty, displays, drop-in sessions and workshops, feedback drives and all sorts of promotion of the services the library offers.

Referendum – the first one we’ve had in about five years or so: we wanted to know what students thought about the Union supporting the lecturers strike.

Unfortunately, we were unable to read quoracy, and the motion has been tabled for the next general meeting (May 17th).

Right, Orbital readers, I’ve already used up my 300 words, so I should leave you be. However, before I go (brevity has never been my strong point), I’d like to wish you all good luck in the coming exam season. Whether you’re a first year or a finalist, undergrad or postgrad, exams can be tough. Make sure you look after yourself and remember – the Advice and Support Centre (first floor of the Students’ Union), is always there if you’re feeling stressed and just need a chat.

Stay happy, Beth x (PS. Look out for our Stress Buster events, coming soon…)

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SHOULD HOMOPHOBIA STILL EXIST? The death of Tyler Clementi, last year, brought homophobia into the spotlight. Clementi, a student of Rutgers University in New Jersey, USA committed suicide after suffering homophobic abuse by his counterparts and even being subjected to a secret filming of him and his partner by his room-mate. This behaviour led him to end his short life by throwing himself off the George Washington Bridge.

Homophobia has always been incredibly prevalent in our society but nowadays, one would think that it would surely be eradicated. Schools have started to recognize LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) month, to teach their pupils the importance of accepting LGBT society, as it’s still considered a taboo in many families. The importance of gay issues is highlighted constantly, from the ‘Pink List’ in ‘The Independent’, featuring the 100 most important LGBT people in England, to the highlight of LGBT plight’s abroad, such as the Iranian actress, Kiara Firouz, who was, after fighting a lengthy battle, finally given asylum to stay in the UK as if she returned to Iran, she would been tortured, placed in jail and most probably executed, just for being who she is.

cide to come out of the closet and be comfortable with who they are, homophobia exists. University is a place where our minds are continually being opened by what we learn in lectures and what we learn from meeting new people who have a different origin from our own, and even with the expanding of our minds some people still believe that being associated with homosexuals is wrong, let All of this, shows us that homophobia alone being one. is on the out? Or is it? Is homosexuality finally accepted in our society, or This just comes to show that maybe all have people just decided to be more the effort the government and the mediscreet in the ways that they’re hom- dia are generating is not working, maybe ophobic? we should question; why do people still believe that being homosexual is wrong?

The media’s latest campaign for the LGBT Last week, there was an incident society is the ‘It Gets Better Project.’ This where my friends were questioned campaign is run by Dan Savage, who’s as to why they lived with two gay managed to get many a celebrity to post people. They retorted that it did not videos for LGBT youth, with the message matter who they lived with, as long as that any bullying you are experiencing is they enjoyed their company. It seems wrong, and it will get better. The fact that that even at university, a place where people such as Barack Obama and David many homosexual people finally de- Cameron have declared that ‘homopho12 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

bia is wrong and bullying is not a rite of passage’ should show to the rest of the world that their homophobic beliefs should be questioned.

We have to consider freedom of thought, but there comes a certain point where your thoughts are wrong.

We would never allow people to believe it is acceptable to rape or murder people, therefore why should we allow people to believe that bullying, attacking and in some cases driving people to suicide for the fact they are homosexual is acceptable.

In the end, people who are homophobic will not magically turn into someone who is not homophobic, but tolerance is the lesson people should learn. Some people say homophobia is a disease we must conquer but before homophobia is eradicated; let’s start with intolerance.

ARTICLE// Alex Babahmadi

NO REGRETS ARTICLE // Dan Kelly We’ve all made mistakes. No one can say they haven’t and, let’s be honest, what a boring person you’d be without messing up once or twice. Contrary to belief, we only have the one life and it needs to be experienced to its fullest before our time ends and we pass the chances on to the next generation.

to escape the feeling. So what can you do? Take no risks, make no mistakes, feel no regret? A person can’t develop without these things; humans are basically built to mess up, and once you learn to take those risks for this development you can learn how to deal with and push aside the regret that may come with it.

those who try to judge you somewhat jealous because, ultimately, you’ll live a life fuller than they could hope for because you weren’t scared to do so.

You’ll hate yourself from time to time for some mistakes, but in the long run you’ll pick up from them and be thankful you managed to learn from something similar years before.

Taking these chances in life does involve risks, and with risk comes mistakes coupled with regret. On a personal level, regret is something which haunts me daily for a myriad of reasons, so it would be hypocritical to go any further under the assumption it’s an emotion easy to overcome. With age has come a growth in appreciation for the effects it can have on you as a person. Not only can regret just ruin a day, but the emotion is powerful enough to tear someone apart inside to the point of no recovery and when you hit rock- bottom, rebuilding seems impossible. Whether it’s not taking chances with loved ones you have now lost, or not attempting to open up your future, regret is an enveloping drug that refuses to give in.

What I’m trying to put across in a way that was very difficult to make sense, and I’m sure I failed anyway, is that you should live your life in whatever way you want: be whoever the hell you want to be and, with adhering to the best of intentions, do what you want. Create a life that you can reflect on when you’re old and grey when you can think ‘I don’t regret a thing’, as well as the guaranteed ‘why am I peeing uncontrollably?’ Sure, learn from your mistakes, that’s a given. But don’t risk not making them at least once just to be certain you aren’t missing out on something that could change your life.

Never regret something that once made you smile, and while the past can hurt, you can either run from the risk or learn from the mistake. Now, I don’t regret a thing I do, but instead try to allow every mistake to inspire development and not let regret take that step away. As they say, half your life is going to be messing up anyway while the other half is dealing with it.

So deal with it, screw up as much as you can, live and learn, don’t let regret shroud those gut feelings and, most importantly, let yourself move on. A tonne of regret has never made an ounce of difference.

But development and progression as a person need to come from trial and error in life; without trying new things we cannot grow, learn or experience new things. Remorse seems to be an incurable poison of life as there is no real solution except for personal will

Well, some mistakes are way too much fun just to make the one time and we’re all guilty (and happily so) of making them. But the beauty of it is: it’s your life. The only person who should judge you is yourself and the values you hold dear. With good intentions, a mistake should never be regretted and judgement by other people not accepted. Make

Relevant/Inspired Song List - You Need Me – Ed Sheeran - After The Storm/Little Lion Man Mumford & Sons - So You Can Cry - Neyo - Fully Alive (Acoustic) – Flyleaf - Epiphany - Staind - Generation – Simple Plan - No Regrets – Robbie Williams THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 13

WEST-END SIT IN BY HOLLOWAY STUDENTS Gemma Jackson covers the recent sit-in and tells us news of future stuff.

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week long student occupation ended in Bailiffs and Police Community Support Officers taking items belonging to the students on Thursday 3rd March. The bailiffs entered the Royal Holloway offices in 11 Bedford Square in London after protestors had managed to take control of Laureate Sir Andrew Motion’s office.

The Royal Courts of Justice had just before issued university chiefs with a possession order, which enabled them legally to clear the student protestors and regain control of their of-

The students were preparing for a big student march against government cuts, which is due to be held on 26th March.

fices. The occupation was said to be “seriously disrupting” the work of senior Royal Holloway figures, according to the New Journal.

According to the West End extra website, one Royal Holloway history student, 21 year old David Moon, “We had not received a possession order, but at around 3.45pm they began kicking in the door. It is a Grade I-listed Georgian building so we were shocked at the physical force.” The Royal Holloway owned building includes lecture rooms for teaching.

A Royal Holloway spokesman stated according to the West End extra website that, “The occupiers are not associated with Royal Holloway or its Students’ Union, and only a minority of the occupiers are Royal Holloway students. The occupiers are not protesting about higher education specifically, and they are not directing their protest at Royal Holloway itself. They

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“They are however… causing considerable cost and inconvenience to us and our students.”

are however… causing considerable cost and inconvenience to us and our students.”

According to the West End extra website, an anonymous Royal Holloway physics student noted the actions of the bailiffs; “They frogmarched all of us out and pushed us around. They then physically took some books from my hand and said I couldn’t have them back as they did not believe they were my books.”

It seems that despite the students saying that the building could still be used by regular occupants, the Royal Holloway website directed both staff and students to other sites. The website also stated that the area used for teaching was “currently unavailable.”

The determination of the students is unmistakably clear, and it will certainly be evident on the 26th March.

RHUL SHOOTS HOOPS TO SAVE CHILDREN Ben Parfitt brings us up to speed with what RAG are up to.

C

hillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool; they were shooting some b-ball in the sports hall. When a group of guys that just wanna do good, starting raising money in the neighbourhood...

On the evening of Sunday 6 March, in a location far removed from Will Smith’s Bel Air, a charity 3-on-3 basketball tournament was taking place.

paired up with a bloke wearing jeans.

“Last time I played basketball I was wearing some lost property shorts and a school shirt in year 10 PE, so

“We managed to raise over £125 for Save the Children but I think another major factor that led to the success of the event was the number of groups that got involved.”

Sikh society had teamed up with Basketball to raise funds for Save The Children. This combo made for a killer event that attracted competitors from far and wide.

not surprisingly I lost every game this time round too,” he said.

Slam-dunks came few and far between for first year Politics student, Craig Gent, who turned up on whim and got

Craig wasn’t too disheartened though and was keen to avow the merits of taking part. However, nothing could

block Craig’s competitive hunger as he readily boasted of the team’s limited successes.

“We even managed to get some points on the board in the last game!”

Event organiser, Amarbeer Singh, of the RHUL Sikh Society said of the event: “The tournament was a great success from many aspects. We managed to raise over £125 for Save the Children but I think another major factor that led to the success of the event was the number of groups that got involved. We had Sikh Soc, the Basketball Club, RAG and Photography Soc all combining their efforts to produce an amazing tournament.”

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 15

LETTERS TO Here at The Orbital, we love it when you have something to say about an article we’ve printed: if there is anything at all in these pages you’d like to respond to, please send your biting criticism or loving commentary to submissions@theorbital.co.uk Oh, and this is just a formality at this point, but the views expressed in this publication are not necessarily reflective of those of SURHUL, the editorial board, or any of their friends and relations. We’re not ruling it out, but it’s not like we personally agree with everything we print.

I mean, we like freedom of speech here so we don’t really censor a great deal, if anything. We thought that if an article was printed that could ruffle a few feathers, someone awesome would write a response.

We were right. Twice. Oh yeah.

Lydia Boulton responds to a rant in a recent edition.

You may have read the article in last month’s edition, ‘Netball – The world’s most Pointless Sport’. Naturally, this did not sit well with the RHUL netball squad.

If you didn’t read it, don’t, it’s poorly written, extremely inarticulate and it’s obviously a rant at an ex-girlfriend who used to play netball or for a reason equally as pathetic.

The game discussed in the article bears no relation to the sport that I play. We’ve all heard it before, netball is the poor relation of basketball, it is too ‘girly’ and has too many rules. It is awful that netball still doesn’t get the time of day it deserves. Firstly, it is quite clear you have never watched a netball match if you think it’s just dainty girls prancing about smiling and swishing their hair. It is still a competitive game. Injuries are common from drawing blood to broken fingers to broken ankles; there is rarely a game when the medical kit is not used. As for us all being dainty and delicate, I think the whole of the RHUL netball squad would agree that some of our competitors are far from ‘dainty’.

16 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

Basketball is a great game, I’m not writing this to slate other sports, they all have stereotypes that could be argued about all day, but to say that we’re playing basketball with the ‘fun bits taken out’ is ridiculous. They are completely different sports, requiring different skills. Basketball involves running uncontested down half the court, doing one pass for some one to shoot, miss, but, because the hoop is so large and they have a handy piece of wood behind the hoop, the ball still goes in. Netball means fighting for every ball, having to pass to a specific player, making every one responsible, and shooting in a way that means you actually have to be on target. Basketball’s great, but Netball’s better. Plus, if we enjoy playing it and we play it well then what is the issue?

According to the previous article we’re affirming sexism every time we play netball and are agreeing with the Victorian way of thinking which means we can’t play ‘male’ sports. Again, this makes no sense. Tennis was the sport the actual Victorians permitted women to play but

there seems to be no long winded rant every time a woman picks up a racket rather than some football boots.

To be honest, as women, we can not win.

If we play a sport that might be considered less ‘dainty’ we are then described as masculine or worse. When playing a sport that is primarily played by women we’re accused of advocating sexism because we aren’t playing a more ‘manly’ game. I think this boils down to individual feelings against women in sport.

Some people need to take themselves out of the Victorian age and accept that as women we can play any sport and play it well.

Sadly the netball season has come to an end but it has been a pleasure to be part of the RHUL squad. We’re a great, successful team and we’re all going to be sad to see some great netballers leave this year. Whatever you hear or think about netballers or Netball, just remember we work hard, play well, and win matches. If that’s not a squad to be proud of, I don’t know what is.

THE EDITOR Just to be clear on this one - above everything else, we value the content you generate - if that content is generating more content, then that’s just wicked sick.

When we started this we wanted to help strengthen a sense of community: that we were all part of something bigger that we could all participate in. We hoped that we’d create a kind of platform for expressing opinions which doesn’t suffer from political bias within the structure of the actual publication.

Aside from making the articles look as pretty as they can and occasionally correcting the odd spelling mistake, you won’t find much of our editing in this old thing.

Anyway, I’ve been going on too long. Read these letters! If you need a refresher, the original articles are on the website.

Andrew Dolan takes issue with some issues in our last issue.

I found this article a little unsettling. It seems as though the author has confused her own social experience and upbringing with a widespread definition of British culture.

Political correctness does at times stretch too far and its application is often devoid of any common sense. However the same can arguably be said about many of the arguments put forward in this article.

quently judge cases on secular values as opposed to the Christian ones that in previous decades have underlined the British legal system, 21st century Britain is effectively a secular nation. There are a thousand other morally didactic nonreligious stories that children would benefit from learning and re-enacting. However since this is not a state enforced policy, faith schools are free to do whatever they like, including the nativity play.

Equally secular schools should and quite rightly have the option to bypass this ‘tradition’. That is freedom of choice and not the long arm of the ‘nanny state.’ It seems to me your idea of a British culture is a distinctly Christian one.

‘The removal of discrimination and prejudice has infringed these values’, these values being freedom and liberty as the author herself implied. In no sense, independent or in the context of this article does that statement carry any legitimacy or more importantly, make any sense.

I am baffled.

‘Is the repression of children denouncing our own monarch?’

The most newsworthy example of this British culture is the ‘huge event’ known as the primary school nativity play?

The Nativity play is arguably a staple of a Christian culture, not modern secular Britain. Since British law courts fre-

What? On a hundred different levels the answer to is no. Loyalty to the British state is no longer associated with loyalty to the Anglican church. I needn’t go any further. The confused rhetoric and irresponsible and unfounded linkage of

cause and happening that is a hallmark of this article is precisely the loose style of unfounded argument that these parties on the margins of society have so much success with. There is probably a valid point in there somewhere.

Admittedly there is a problem with over zealous advocates of political correctness. However, I am tired of reading about these conspiracy theories in which the so called nanny state is set on to eroding ‘British culture’ whatever that may be.

If there is to be any hope of an integrated 21st century Britain then it needs to be created with the tools of postmodernism and an acceptance on our part as British people, that due to the mechanics of immigration and globalisation, segments of our inherited culture will be diluted and forced to evolve into a more representative and multicultural model.

Just as it has done for the last two thousand years.

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An Audience With Professor Lupin ARTICLE // Sam Wynn

M

ost students either spend Wednesday afternoons taking a pre-union lash nap or

playing sport, but I was lucky enough to spend a couple of hours with the renowned actor, David Thewlis. I am usually quite apprehensive when attending Q & A sessions with established actors- I often leave feeling like I’ve taken a mental step back with regards to my aspirations of entering the foggy abyss of the acting world.

However, I came out of this interview, hosted by a collaboration of Drama Society and Encompass Productions, feeling refreshed, inspired and filled with valuable advice.

Thewlis came across as a humble man with much appreciation and admiration for the actors and directors that he’s worked with over the years. He started the interview by recounting how he got into acting, revealing that he in fact had ideas of becoming either a rock star, a novelist or a Formula One driver. The latter ambition was shattered the day he failed his driving test. It all seems as though it happened pretty easily for Thewlis; he followed his band mates into Guildhall School of Drama with no original de18 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

sire to tread the boards- the main ambition was to keep the band together.

His girlfriend happened to have a spare application form, which he filled in, then took the audition and landed himself a highly sought after place on the acting degree programme.

Incidentally, the two band members could not cope with the challenging demands of drama school and left, about which he jokes “I have never seen these two guys since and I am sure they hate me.” However, he battled through the training, taking it more seriously once he noticed people recognising his natural talent, but making sure to leave before the ‘End of Term Musical’, finding himself an agent and some work, and vowing that he would never be seen in a musical. (Harry Potter- The musical?

Watch this space…)

For the majority of the interview he spoke about the director, Mike Leigh, who is evidently a great influence and inspiration for Thewlis. He speaks highly of Leigh, admiring the original way that he works. He recalls his first audition for Mike Leigh, in which he was asked to take on the role of a relative or friend, and becoming that person within the room he was sat in.

Meanwhile, Mike Leigh had left the

room, leaving Thewlis to explore his surroundings and to get under the skin of his large-chinned friend, Cliff, making himself a cup of tea (with two sugars just as Cliff would) but feeling as though he was going mental as no one was watching. In fact, Mike Leigh was witnessing his every move from a window in the corner of the room and consequently offered him the part in ‘Naked’, a film he states as one of his most enjoyable and greatest achievements. Thewlis played the part of Jonny, a character he devised with Leigh using the tedious technique of describing every single person he had ever met in his life. Unfortunately for him, he ended up choosing the most sinister, physically aggressive person he had ever met, who date raped one of his friends. He explained the extensive research and reading he did for this part- on philosophy, cosmology, the Bible, the Qu’uran to name but a few. It was clear that this man is well read, and he describes his novel, ‘The Late Hector Kipling’, as his proudest independent achievement. It came to fruition when a journalist asked him if there was anything else he would like to do with his life, to which he mentioned that he might want to write a novel one-day. The article was published, agents came knocking and

soon after he was telling all his friends “It’s my big dream, I’ve got a literary agent!”, stopping acting for 8 months to write. He is currently working on his second novel- a man of many talents it seems.

Thewlis went on to discuss his time as Professor Remus Lupin in Harry Potter(pleasing many a Hazza P fans in the audience). He was originally considered for the part of Professor Quirrel but this part was given to Ian Hart and he later took the part of Lupin in the ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’ after realising how much money these films would make him.

When asked if he could play any character in history, who would it be, Thewlis hesitates for a moment…”It’d be good to play Jesus I think- I’m a bit old now- maybe the Jesus that lived longer than we think…or the Jesus who looks like this?!” pointing to himself and grinning. Other than

Jesus, he says he would like to play Salvador Dali. Whoever David Thewlis plays, he is extremely conscientious about research, and always embarks on a character journey. Whether it’s pumping iron at the gym for the part of Nazi commandant in ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’ or smoking a lot of dope to get under the skin of a psychopathic IRA fixer and drug smuggler in ‘Mr Nice’, it’s obvious he throws himself into the job. He is passionate about what he does and still has that element of being star-struck by the likes of Stephen Spielberg, who he’s just worked with on ‘Warhorse’.

David Thewlis is both a stage and screen actor, despite that he hasn’t done theatre for years. He has this wealth of experience that I believe truly inspired everyone in his presence. He acknowledges the low points and the mistakes he has made in his career, giving a sense that his success is all the more deserving. The phrase

‘good things come to those who wait’ springs to mind. In response to the question asked ‘What advice would you give to aspiring actors?’ he says “there isn’t a formula…a lot of luck is involved” alongside the remark “don’t piss people off”. However frank and blunt this advice is, it seems so correct. His modesty and unobtrusive, patient nature has obviously helped bring him thus far.

At the end of this thoroughly enjoyable Wednesday afternoon, I decided to take a slice of Thewlis’ mind-set and apply it to my own life and work.

His advice was essentially quite simple, but it was great to hear it from someone who is proud of his own achievements up to now, and not really greedy for much more. It was a great privilege to listen to, and I hope he returns to Royal Holloway again so others can hear the wise words of one of Britain’s finest thespians.

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OPEN MEETING,

ARTICLE // Dave Cobb In a packed Windsor Auditorium Principal Paul Layzell addressed staff from myriad departments, services and offices to explain his newly released manifesto and respond to questions. The meeting on Wednesday 16th March was something of an executive summary of the Principal’s vision for the future of Royal Holloway in light of the funding challenges. Students are being offered a similar meeting on the 23rd March chaired by former NUS president Wes Streeting but details were limited at the time of writing.

revenue streams need to expand to cover the near 25% of overall income lost. If tuition fees alone were used to cover the shortfall we would need to charge £8,890 per year and that is excluding anything set in place by the Office for Fair Access (OFFA) to ensure all students can come to Holloway regardless of financial background. There is a definite move to grow third party revenue streams and the College is committed to spending an additional £8 million on teaching and other frontline services.

The document essentially outlines the major challenges ahead and how they will be handled. With a looming £31.7m or 76% funding cut from the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE), alternative

The Principal was quick to reaffirm the strong fiscal standing of the College and insists we can be “confident” in our future actions provided we are prudent – though Royal Holloway is independent from govern-

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ment it is also alone if anything goes financially wrong. The manifesto, the Principal said, was not a strategic plan but rather a road map through the “financial fog” ahead.

Five themes are addressed in the ‘road map’ such as ensuring academic excellence through research performance (many departments are rated at the highest grades in the Research Assessment Exercise).

Maintaining a vibrant community comes second, though this seems best understood as attracting the most intelligent of students. Fair access comes next with a plan to spend £2.9m per annum on fee waivers, flexible entry programmes and outreach activities. ‘The place we are’ forms another theme, calling for sustained investment in services

NOT OPEN SEASON

and an expansion of halls capacity from 33% of the population to 44%.

The final goal is, somewhat misleadingly, titled sustainability though is limited to ideas of social responsibility, better staff development and fees directly equating to quality. The lack of discussion on environmental issues was raised by Insanity News at the meeting but the future has been muddied from a clear resolve now that HEFCE capital funding has been cut. The Principal does, however, believe there is a strong business case for environmental sustainability and said he was keen to pursue it.

Graduate employment opportunities are recognised as being critical to charging higher fees by the College and Principal Layzell was clear that students must have input. How-

ever, this comment seems at odds with the manifesto which places effective communication with students as a low priority. The fact that College “will set fees soon” also implies that the student voice is more a stamp of approval than a source of genuine discussion. The clearest indication of what fees will be came toward the end of the meeting with the Principal stating we would need to charge “around £8,000”. A clear statement was made that the College had “no plans” to raise postgraduate fees, potentially putting many students at ease. In fact, it was suggested that there would be increased investment in this area, especially on research based courses.

A cursory discussion of departmental ‘restructuring’ closed the meeting, with no clear indication of what

would be happening beyond potential mergers. Layzell was quick to point out he was not suggesting the American style “pick and mix” education system.

The meeting itself lasted for just under an hour with only a short questioning period, leaving many dissatisfied that this hadn’t added much to the manifesto. It will be interesting to see if more information is made available on the 23rd and if senior management really are committed to improving communication channels with students. Perhaps the best news to come from the manifesto was a clear plan for the expansion of Bedford Library – a costed vision for a vast improvement in study space was set out, though it is at least two years away.

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LIF ESTY LE 22 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

Hi, I’m Kate, and I’m really sophistikated.

Art correspondent Kate Wood Hill gets a little bit too classy for her own good...

I

must apologise but, for reasons that I am about to divulge, this statement cannot be retracted. I am indeed, a very sophisticated person. However, I can explain the origins of such a bold claim. When asked to review exhibitions by Orbital head-honchos, I usually spend a quiet Sunday afternoon shuffling around a London museum or gallery, scribbling notes to myself and encountering tube strikes, whilst fun, I’ve never considered this glamorous.

Yet this month, an open invitation to an evening of artistic delights, Myths-5 artists, proved to be a wholly different experience. Held on a Friday night at The Firestation centre of art and Culture in Windsor the exhibition was a combination of local artists and Holloway students work, an infusion of animations and illustrations that explored themes of human and animal nature, tribalism, punk and mythology. Part of the excitement of the

evening stemmed from the knowledge, that two of the key contributors were students at Royal Holloway.

Rupert Hodgson exhibited works that showed a personal interpretation on classical mythology. His contemporary twist on ancient ideas gave his pieces an energetic relevancy to a modern audience, without detracting from their original meaning.

Ben May’s illustrations proved to be a great talking point of the evening.

His cartoon-like illustrations captured the spirit of street art and attitude of graffiti with a playfulness of colour and subject content (the works ranges from terminator style robots to sexy seductress femme fatales to surreal laughing cats) that made the pieces entertaining, humorous and engaging. Whilst contrasting styles, both artists works seemed embrace a youthful yet considered approach to their artwork, demonstrating the intelligence behind student creativity.

What remained a distinctive selling point of these pieces is that they were

not only great to look at, but they were also great to talk about, and this is where my inflated sense of sophistication enters.

On an ordinary trip to a gallery, I am commonly consumed by my own reflections upon the pieces, whist this is interesting, the experience is often all too personal and introspective. However as an exhibition, Myths-5 Artists flourished as an opportunity to make art not only a point of criticism, but also a form of socializing and discussion.

Accompanied by liberal quantities of complementary wine (this is where the student in me starts to emerge) and a stylish and slick DJ set that flowed through the venue, The Firestation became a location for art-talk for both students and art-lovers alike.

A big thumbs up must go to curator Vickie Amiralis for setting up the evening and making me and other attendees feel so god damn sophisticated.

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IS BAD PUBLICITY GOOD PUBLICITY?

“My life is more bitchin’ than yours.”

Carlos Estevez, or more famously known as Charlie Sheen has seen an ascent in the media recently. The fact he has been on the radio, insulting his director and generally being an arrogant, megalomaniacal freak, has shown us that anyone can be pursued by the media for a number of reasons.

Charlie Sheen has been in the public eye for a long time. Sheen comes from a background of privilege. Everyone knows his father, Martin Sheen, for various roles throughout his great career and most recently as the 24 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

President of the USA in West Wing. It seemed that Charlie Sheen was destined for a life of a spoilt Hollywood brat or an actor getting roles due to the incredible nepotistic attitude in the film industry.

Charlie Sheen has broken away from that and turned himself into a household brand and his move from film to TV, using “Two and a Half Men” has been one of the best transitions in television history.

Charlie Sheen is now the highest paid

actor in a sitcom in Hollywood. Or was.

Until last week.

His media frenzy, using nearly every chat show host in the USA to promote how his behaviour has not affected his work is near breaking point. From borderline anti-Semitic attacks to his now former director Chuck Lorre, calling him “Chaim Levine” on national radio to the blisteringly arrogant claims that if anyone took the drug ‘Charlie Sheen’ their face would melt off and children would cry over their dead body increasingly shows us the other side of

ARTICLE // Alex Babahmadi Hollywood.

The fact that, after being so rude and egotistical on various mediums of communication, why is Charlie Sheen the number one hot topic to talk about this week.

It boils down to the fact that all publicity, is good publicity even if you come across as a conceited maniac.

It is not the first time that we see celebrities in the wrong, benefiting from their ridiculous actions. In September 2005 when Kate Moss was caught snorting cocaine, it seemed that her career thrived. Yes, she was dropped

by H & M as a model but she earned more money that year than she had earned in a long time.

The media portrays these people to

be such sinners and intends to ‘dethrone’ them from a position of power over the people, but in fact the bigger the fuss they make out of it, the more powerful they actually become.

Everyone has their own theory on why he has become so insane and everyone is awaiting with anticipa-

“If anyone took the drug ‘Charlie Sheen’, their face would melt off and children would cry over their dead body...” tion for the outcome of this story, the same way they waited to see if Kate Moss was ever going to return from the apparent brink of a drug hell.

This just shows us that we are falling for their game. There is a fundamen-

tal difference between the Kate Moss debacle and the Charlie Sheen scandal we are currently pursuing. Kate Moss was falling off the radar whereas Sheen is one of the highest paid TV actors in Hollywood.

Is Charlie Sheen just covering up the mess he has made and trying to get his job back or is he actually in dire need of psychological help?

We can only wait to see but this hilarious downfall that has provided us with so much fun, bizarre websites dedicated to making fun of him and rubbish dubstep remixes of interviews just shows us that publicity puts people in the spotlight, be it, bad or good.

Therefore, the saying runs true. There is no such thing as bad publicity.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 25

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Y

Alex Babahmadi explains the delights of the Iranian New Year.

ou might think I am around 3 months too late but in fact I am not! The tumultuous nation of Iran, of which my heritage is part of, takes place on the 21st of March. The festival is called Nooruz and is arguably the most important date for any Iranian.

Nooruz originates in the old Persian Empire and is incredibly rooted with the Zoroastrian traditions, the religion of the Ancient Persian Empire before the advent of Islam in 7th Century A.D. Around 3000 years ago, for Nooruz, the kings of the nations ruled under the Persian Empire would offer presents to the Emperor of the Empire. Now, people celebrate it a little differently.

It starts off with the compulsory meticulous cleaning of the house. Many families visit each other for the New Year and the following two weeks and therefore, the house must be in tip-top condition to be able to entertain one’s guests.

Some say, it is ‘re-birth’ and therefore the cleaning is purging the problems experienced the year before. This, usually, 26 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

extends to attire and new clothes are bought for the New Year.

On a coffee table in the middle of the living room resides seven important objects; ‘Haft Seen’ (seven items) These items are highly important for the ritual of New Year. These items are Seeb (apples), Sabze (green grass), Serke (vinegar), Samanoo (a sweet pudding made out of wheatgerm), Senjed (a type of berry), Sekke (coins), and Seer (garlic).

Not to forget a goldfish in a bowl of water to represent life within life.

As a child, I found this to be such a fantastical experience. It was completely different to the stories and experiences I was used to at a West London private school. New Year, regardless of being on a school night or not, was always greeted with great enthusiasm in my family. We would decamp to a family members house and my cousins and I were always showered in Iranian treats and pound coins. We would eat Sabzi Polo Mahi (rice infused with herbs and fish), everyone would forget about their current problems and just enjoy them-

selves. There would not be any fighting nor family business talk and once a year, it seemed to me that people truly celebrated the beginning of a new year.

Being accustomed to the plain, beige civility of school, I felt that Nooruz allowed me to escape into an unknown realm full of vivid colour and roaring happiness.

Nooruz encouraged me to delve more into my heritage and discover the gems in Iranian culture, something unfortunately overshadowed by the ridiculous actions of its theocratic government, for which Iran sadly is famous for.

As a student, there is never an excuse for a party and for the first time in my life, I will be having Iranian New Year ‘chez moi’. I wonder how it will pan out. Will I be able to make the rice taste like the rice my 75 year old aunt makes in her battered cooker? Will someone start belly dancing at 1am? All I hope is that it will be as eye-opening for my guests as it was for me as a child!

A RESIDENT’S GUIDE TO VIENNA

V

ienna may be rich with history and culture, but amongst its churches, horse-drawn carriages and opera houses, it is certainly shaping out to be a hip and modern city. In a study, the Economist ranked Vienna first for quality of life!

Districts 4, 5, 6 and 7th is where you’ll want to be heading. These districts are urban and full of cultural life. You can stroll around a whole day and find wonderful old bookstores, second hand shops and lovely cafes. Cafe Drechsler and Cafe Wirr are definitely worth a visit. Neubaugasse is shopping street where you won’t find any high street brands, instead, expect handcraft shops, vintage stores and handmade creative fashion. The street has even won awards for hosting the best flea markets!

Museumsquartier This is where you’ll find Vienna’s modern and classical art museums. The large square is a hang out for young people and in the summer its packed. Use the free wi-fi and visit the Lomography

shop. Lomography was created by Viennese students!

Naschmarkt ‘Nasch’ translates as ‘snacking’ or ‘to have a nibble’ and that’s certainly what you’ll be able to do at this market! This fruit and vegetable market is open daily, and the market is definitely very integrated into the city. The market has evolved over the years and now that there’s at least 30 restaurants you’ll definitely be spoilt for choice. There’s also an antiques market held on Saturdays.

Prater ‘Prater’ is a key word for the Viennese as it covers 3 very different types of places.

Firstly, Vienna’s largest park is called Wiener Prater. Rent a bike and enjoy! There’s also the Prater which is an amusement park found within the park itself. The best known attraction is the Ferris wheel, and there’s also plenty of rides, roller coasters, carousels and more. Built in 1895, Prater counts as the first amusement park in the world! Lastly, Pratersauna is one of Vienna’s main electronic clubs and if you happen to fancy a dip- there’s a pool!

Clubs & Music Venues Flex is undoubtedly Vienna’s most popular club. Arena, with its 4 concert halls and an open air area, is the city’s largest gig venue. Chelsea is a fun indie venue while Rhiz and Fluc host all night events with DJs. Donau Insel is an island in Vienna’s river (the Donau) known as a recreational area with bars, restaurants and nightclubs. The Donauinselfest is an internationally well-known annual festival, and Europe’s biggest event of this kind, expected to soon hit the 3 million visitors mark.

Vienna’s Quirks Hundertwasser Haus (pictured): Hundertwasser was an artist and architect who certainly left his mark on Austria.

His boldly-coloured buildings with bizarre constructions, uneven floors and randomly planted trees and grass will certainly be a sight for sore eyes! Centimetre: the food here is sold by the centimetre! Your food will literally be made to scale!

ARTICLE // Ange Suprowicz THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 27

When I Was In...

Hong Kong Maria Hughes explores the best and worst of Hong Kong.

A

s a place, Hong Kong had always fascinated me. I’ve long heard stories of my father’s childhood there, as well as reading my grandfather’s memoirs as a prisoner of war in Hong Kong during World War II. Often described as where the east meets the west, it is hard to define Hong Kong due to the intense diversity of people and cultures that reside there. Not only is it filled with slick rick investment bankers and high rise buildings, but there’s also an abundance of beaches, bars, restaurants and markets to visit, around the many territories that occupy the country. Ten days here allowed me plenty of time to explore the best of Hong Kong, from the greatest array of markets and interesting foods, to somehow winging a yacht trip round the Hong Kong Islands, and an interesting evening in the famous foreign correspondents club. While Hong Kong is easy to manoeuvre- with 28 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

most signs in English and an excellent metro and bus system, it also challenges you in many new ways. Below are just some of the delights of Hong Kong…..

Sometimes you don’t know quite what you’re getting but that’s the fun of it.

Sleep: Hotel prices in Hong Kong aren’t cheap for those on a traveller’s budget, unless you want to risk Chum king mansions. There are however excellent hotel websites that give great choice for decent hotels, at decent prices. Hotelsandbooking.com provided an excellent source to the 3* YWCA Garden View hotel, which for a meagre £25 a night boasts an impressive view of both the business district below and Kowloon. You’re often given an upgrade and breakfast is included, the staff treat you extremely well and it is within walking distance

of good bus links. A casual fifteen minute stroll takes you to the hubbub of Central Hong Kong.

Eat: Being heavily globalised, there is a lot on offer in Hong Kong in terms of food choice, but instead of heading down to the nearest pizza hut or McDonalds’, delve into one of the night markets in Kowloon, or pace the streets of Wan Chai looking for cheap yet delicious authentic Cantonese food. No take away here can compare. Sometimes you don’t know quite what you’re getting but that’s the fun of it. Dumplings that melt in your mouth or frog leg soup, there is something for every palette….

-If you want to treat yourself while in Hong Kong, do none other than afternoon tea at the luxurious Peninsula hotel. While considering a night here would be unthinkable for the majority of us students, afternoon tea for two is not too pricy. Eat your macaroons

and scones whilst listening to the soft sounds of the string quartet in the background. One piece of advicedon’t wear flip flops or trainers. These being the favoured shoes with us, we got turned away for inappropriate foot wear and, sadly, only got as far as enjoying the string quartet and not the cake. A sad day.

Drink: If you go anywhere in Hong Kong, go to the exclusive Feather Boa bar in the Soho district on Hong Kong Island. While it sounds like a grimy burlesque bar playing Duran Duran, this hidden gem is full of antique furniture and paintings, giving it a roaring twenties feel. The cocktails are undoubtedly its selling point, despite the majestic surroundings. Without meaning to sound like Joanna Lumley, the chocolate martinis laced in cocoa powder where Maltesers replace the olives- are nothing but fabulous.

Saunter down Staunton St. at night after a late night bite in one of the Wan Chai food houses, but look carefully, this place is practically invisible from the outside.

Shop: Shopping in Hong Kong is bad for the pocket, but a great experience nonetheless. Although there are many designer stores around Kowloon and central Hong Kong Island, head to the

vast markets for an extra something special. The ladies night market in Hong Kong had everything you could think of from jade jewellery to fake Chanel, as well as many delicious food stalls for when the bartering gets too much. The bird and fish markets were also something never experienced before, and as enticing as they were, I would probably leave the fish market to a one time only thing. Don’t forget to barter in Hong Kong, you can really get a bargain if you have this great skill, sadly unpractised in England.

Relax: -Take the overbearingly steep tram up to the peak on Hong Kong Island. Join in with the locals practicing Tai Chi in the extensive park at the top, or simply walk around and marvel at the fantastic views that Hong Kong has to offer.

-Lamma island, to the west of the mainland is accessible via a short boat ride and instantly transports you to a utopia unthinkable from looking at Kowloon. Few people live on this island, which in recent years has acted as a sort of hippy haven for ex-pats.

Walking form each side of the island takes a mere 40 minutes, with beautiful scenery along the way. If you need to escape form the hustle and bustle of the business district should you ever live here as an investment bank-

er, go to Lamma Island!

-If you are weary after a long day of sightseeing, take a night time boat trip for a dollar, from the mainland to Hong Kong Island. Absorb yourself in the light show across the coastline whilst taking in some windy South China sea air.

Bonuses?: Apart from all the great things stated already, you don’t need a visa to visit Honk Kong, if you have a British passport. This is due to the British occupancy there till 1997.

Avoid: Chum King mansions- like the plague. While you are OK to visit this rabbit warren of doom based in Kowloon by day (the ground floor is a shopping centre), don’t even think about staying here, despite the cheap prices. A mix of Clockwork Orange and Psycho on jet lag does not bode well, and the rooms are impossible to find, unless you pay the man pestering you in a lift to help you. The view of a mass rubbish dump was the low point.

Travel: Cathay Pacific. Hong Kong’s own airline, voted best airline in recent years. The staff are always there to help, upgrading me after I complained of back injury, and they never let you dehydrate!

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 29

Fashion goes fifties at RHUL Article // Kathryn Colwell

Fashionable, classy, sophisticated, stylish just some of the words we’d use to describe the following article.

T

he Orbital caught up with über busy Charlotte Tsai to ask her about Royal Holloway Fashion Show - L.A. Confidential...

Hi Charlotte, what’s this I’ve heard about a RHUL fashion show... with a twist?

‘Hi Kathryn, well, the fashion show is inspired by LA Confidential , a contemporary Hollywood classic film set against the backdrop of the glamour, grit and noir of early 1950’s Los Angeles. We wanted to use fashion, music and dance to tell our audience a story about the juxtaposition that lies between the American dream and the crookedness and corruption that this world inhabits. The audience will be introduced to the idealised glamour of Los Angeles, and be taken on a journey where they’ll discover the peril and demise it encounters.

L.A Confidential is very different to any previous fashion show at Royal Holloway. It’s still all about the fashion but we’re putting a theatrical spin on the production. When I thought up the concept I knew I wanted a narrative to keep the audience entertained and enticed.

At the heart of our story will of course be the fashion of the 1950’s. Our inspiration came from the film, US TV drama ‘Mad Men’, and from stars

30 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

such as Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, James Dean, Marlon Brando and Paul Newman. We want to show Royal Holloway that this elegant, classy, strong and sexy style is timeless and as high fashion as ever, recently re-introduced by houses such as Louis Vuitton, Prada, D&G on the catwalk and Topshop and Urban Outfitters on the high street’.

The theme sounds exciting, how do you execute such a huge performance?!

‘To start with, we have 40 wonderful models, all students at Royal Holloway, who are getting really involved and creating the characters of the 1950’s. The clothes are being sourced by 10 buyers, also students, who borrow the clothes from numerous companies. They are a fabulous group of girls that have been put together by Jessica Johnston, Head of Buyers. I won’t give too much away about the outfits but the buyers have made some fabulous contacts.

I’m so excited to have fantastic professionals involved in the show. We have re-established relationships with hair stylist Luigi, from Luigi & Carlo of Addelstone, who did the show last year.

For make-up I’ve organised for makeup artist Celia Burton to recreate the very classic image of the 1950’s. She works all over the world from London to New York, so that’s another privilege for us! As you can see lots of dif-

ferent people can be involved in the show- from students to the most successful people in the fashion industry’.

What ‘mean beatz’ will the models be strutting to?

‘Like the theatrical side of the production, the music is not what one would expect from a typical fashion show.

Without giving too much away, the music is going to be a jar between drum & base, dance and, of course, the 1950’s classics that inspired so many artists that we listen to today!

Charlotte Lewis (Head of Models), Lauren Buckley (Stage Manager) and I are working really hard with Asad, our DJ, to find and edit the perfect tracks for our models to walk to. As you can imagine, it is one of the most important aspects of the show.

Asad’s also working on the tracks for the Dance numbers (I told you it was a performance!) with choreographers Sam Wynn (Head of Choreography) and Sophie Foulds. They are coming

“This elegant, classy, strong and sexy style is timeless and as high fashion as ever.”

up with amazing moves that fuse 50’s with contemporary dance’.

Why did you decide to get involved?

‘There are so many reasons why this is an amazing opportunity and experience for me. I love a good challenge and this is not letting me down! I am in love with fashion and the theatre so it was a chance for me to try and incorporate both areas into one show and make it accessible for the students of RHUL. The fashion show happens for a just cause. With Arts Council cuts, art schools and charities of the arts are suffering so I wanted to make a difference to the industry. We have chosen to support London Printworks Trust, a coeducational and visual art organisation that strives to support emerging fashion designers. London has a huge influence on fashion all over the world, known for its boldness, freshness and excitement. It’s important to me that doesn’t change due to gaps in funding.

I have to say that RHUL is a very fashionable university. 1950’s fashion is so timeless, for men and women, so I wanted to show the students here how empowered it can make you look but most importantly feel, and how accessible it is. It’s a great chance to meet lots of new people and allows contacts to be established, both for the team and for Royal Holloway. We are re-establishing wonderful relationships with professionals, companies and other artists from last year and making new ones which will hopefully stand for next year’s fashion show’!

This is a big budget SU event, right?

How do you hope to get it all running smoothly?

‘When I was in the early stages of even considering making a bid for the show, I knew that I didn’t want to do it without a team that was extremely hard-working and motivated but also very creative. My immediate team have been incredible. We all have experience of performing in and creat-

“With Arts Council cuts, art schools and charities of the arts are suffering, so I wanted to make a difference to the industry.” ing shows [Charlotte’s team are all drama students], so this should run smoothly. However, a fashion show is something new and challenging for each of us so it was a chance to be innovative. The structure of the show’s being developed by me, Lauren Buckley (stage manager), Charlotte Lewis (head of models) and Natasha Shah who’s my producer. She has really been at my beck and call- she’s my saviour! So it’s a real team effort.

I have to also say that President of the Fashion Society and Director of last year’s show, Shaun Beedle, has been incredible-always giving us advice and making sure we are looking after ourselves!

Can I just take this opportunity to thank Insanity- the presenters have consistently been plugging the show, so keep listening to their amazing station. I would ask everyone to join the Facebook page of ‘RHUL Fashion Society’ page which is our main page in which you can keep up to date with the development of the show. Also, thank you to The Orbital for this interview!

The Royal Holloway Fashion show takes place on the 14th, 16th and 19th of May.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 31

CAMPUS FASHION WATCH It’s summer term and once the dreaded exams are finally over, it’s time for Pimms O’clock, lazy picnics at Virginia Water and to soak up the sun on Founder’s quad!

WORDS // Eloise Williamson

Sophie wears Top - Topshop Bandeau - ASOS High-waisted jeans - Topshop Shoes - Matalan Sunglasses - Ebay

Hazel wears Playsuit - Primark Cardigan - Charity shop Necklace - Charity shop- for only 5p!

Britney wears Britney

Sophie

Coat- John Rocha Shoes- Hobbs

Customised Buttons Customised with an eclectic set of buttons hand sewn on

Hazel 32 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

SHOP TILL YOU DROP! LONDON’S BEST SHOPS

Eloise Williamson guides you through her pick of some of the best niche shops in London.

VINTAGE

HIGH-STREET

Beyond Retro

Edited

Head to the East End of London where you will find Beyond Retro, a vast warehouse crammed with over 10,000 affordable items, which has long been a popular destination for fashion students and stylists.

(112 Cheshire St, E2- Liverpool St tube station) www.beyondretro.com

Within its boutique-style setting, the flagship store on Regent’s street offers a capsule collection of key pieces handpicked by Topshop’s head of design, Jacqui Markham.

(Shop online or at the store on 286 Regent’s street)

Annie’s A sensational selection of vintage gowns, from beaded 1920’s flapper numbers to 1940’s tea dresses. There is also a range of lady-like accessories such as gloves, fans and parasols to choose from to complete your outfit.

(12 Camden Passage, N1 -Angel tube) Rellik This gem stocks the very best of antique designerwear. Expect collectible designer pieces from the likes of Christian Dior and Vivienne Westwood at much reduced prices.

(8 Golborne Road, W10 - Westbourne Park tube)

Anthropologie Set in the old Antiquarius building, Anthropologie sells an inspiring mix of homeware and fashion. Here you can discover unique vintage-y fashion labels from Denmark and France. Expect delightfully detailed and feminine pieces with a sense of humour. This shop is definitely worth a visit, even if it is to simply soak up the beautiful atmosphere.

(131- 141 King’s Road, SW3 4PW) Pull and Bear This Spanish fashion brand was created

by Inditex, the group behind high street chains such as Zara, Bershka and Massimo Dutti. Perfect for on trend, casual, laid-back clothing and edgy sports wear

for men and women, all at reasonable prices.

(Stores can be found in Westfield Shopping Centre and on Oxford Street) Gilly Hicks If you’re a fan of Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister you will love their “cheeky cousin” Gilly Hicks, and the good news is that the prices are much cheaper! Be whisked away to Sydney, Australia as you enter the store, resembling a colonial manor style house with the interior feel of a vibrant beach house. It specialises in pretty lingerie (marketed as “down undies”), lounge wear and beauty goodies.

(Located in Westfield Shopping Centre) ACCESSORIES Les Nereides This magical French jewellery store carries elegant and whimsical pieces. Their ranges are inspired by everything from letters from Paris to daisy chains, to swans, ballet shoes and the man in the moon. There is also a desirable selection of charms.

(35 Long Acre, just off Covent Garden and 166 Kings Road) THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 33

THE ‘OTHER’ FESTIVALS ARTICLE // Katherine McKenzie Wood, Braziers Park, Oxfordshire, May 20th – 22nd, Adult weekend with camping £95 If you’re in to Folk and the environment, this is the festival for you. From the same team that bring you Truck Festival, Wood is run on only renewable energy.

The stage is solar-powered, showers are heated by a wood-burning stove and there’s a bicycle-powered disco. Workshops include ‘How to Make Instruments from Junk’. Now you wouldn’t get that at Reading!

Run to the Sun, Newquay, May 27th 30th Adult weekend with camping £86 Also a VW car show, Run to the Sun boasts DJs, the beach, live music, comedians and even a silent disco every night from 8pm. Not only this, but a stream of festival-goers all drive to Newquay together on a specified route, picking 34 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

up other ticket holders along the way by sounding their horn to alert them they’re passing. This guarantees a community feel and makes it impossible to get lost on your way there!

Hop Farm Festival, Kent, July 1st – 2nd, Adult weekend with camping £174 A festival that is truly all about the music, Hop Farm also has a beautiful location. There’s no sponsorship, branding or privileged VIP tickets to spoil the Folk festival that brings music back to its roots. Last year saw Laura Marling, Mumford & Sons and Seasick Steve take to the stage, as well as the almighty legends Van Morrison and Bob Dylan.

Truck Festival, Hill Farm, Oxfordshire, July 22nd – 24th, Adult weekend with camping £99 ‘Truckers’ is the name given to those who choose to enjoy this ever- expand-

ing festival, which has seen the likes of ‘The XX’ and ‘Foals’ work their magic on one of the three stages. With a focus on helping charities, showcasing promising talent and allowing everyone to enjoy the festival experience equally, a ticket for less than a hundred pounds is a true bargain!

Cambridge Folk Festival, July 28th – 31st, Adult weekend with camping £56.50 This festival is now in no way small, but a weekend would cost you less than £200 and opens your eyes to a multitude of new talent. Great for the family, or a weekend without the parents, Cambridge Folk Festival offers not only quality music, but storytelling, music lessons, street theatre and juggling workshops.

What more could you ask for?

RHUL PHOTOGRAPHY One of the most awesome photographers on campus imparts wisdom and tips for badassery.

“When setting the task for photographers to submit photos for certain themes I am always delighted by the range of interpretations that photographers have. For this in edition exhibition I settled on a few different themes. The first is “Unusual Perspective” which should hopefully portray something in a completely new, exciting and different way. There’s one example I found of this online that I really like, and that is a macro photograph of taken its underside. What’s normally a tiny flower now looks in this photo to be a towering tree. If you are interested in taking photographs from an unusual perspective a quick and easy way is by take photos at ground level, I personally think the differences are striking. Apart from that I think that it is about learning to go against the grain of what everybody else might

take and try find that unique shot.

The second theme is “Beautiful Blur.”

Typically, photographers strive to take pride in taking photos with lenses produce pin-sharp sharp images, and blurred photos can be the bane of those who try to take photos in bad light. However every now and again going in search for those blurred photos can give some amazing results. Using blurriness to your advantage can portray a sense of motion in your subject. Sports photography, is normally one place where the action is frozen but it is also a good place to find your blurred photos; panning is a technique used to do this effectively. What you do is you slow your shutter speed down and follow the subject, so it remains in focus while the background is blurred. Another technique is to either rotate your camera (or zoom in)

while you take your photo on a slightly slower shutterspeed to give you this blur. The last section is “Silhouettes and Shadows” and what I like about it is that it works really well with black & white photographs. To achieve your silhouetted photo you will need to ensure that your background is brighter than your subject. This works well with performances on stage, as the lights are generally nice and bright.

When you are outdoors, look to use the sun as if it was your studio light, if possible take the photograph while the sun is directly behind your subject - during sunset is best. So there are your themes, and hopefully these will inspire you to take your own photos, and like always the best thing to do is experiment” ARTICLE //Dan Woodruff THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 35

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVES// Max Cambridge 36 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

BLUR// Max Cambridge

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVES// Daniel Woodruff THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 37

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVES// Daniel Woodruff 38 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

BLUR// Eléonore Souchon

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 39

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVES// Eléonore Souchon 40 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

CUL TURE THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 41

ONE MILLION BOOKS “This isn’t some glorified Swap Shop! Noel Edmunds isn’t here!”

It is a bloody cold evening in early March and The Orbital’s Culture Editor and his charming assistant have escaped the Egham Bubble and braved the dark expanse of the Egham Railway Station where that annoying woman is continually in need of 20p for a phone-call she will never make.

Culture Ed + 1 begin their journey towards the ‘biggest literary event in history’.

On the train to Waterloo, I ask a man if I can borrow the Metro which he has just placed on the empty seat beside him – usually a sign that it is ready to be passed onwards and recycled - but this train man is offended and snatches back his Metro as if I have asked to adopt his new-born child.

‘This is my Metro’, his eyes say, ‘I have 42 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

not paid money for it, but I claim ownership.’ I look away and awkwardly pretend to send a few text messages. As our train pulls into Waterloo and the hydraulic doors begin their irritating preopening routine of beep-beep-beep Mr Metro Man dumps his free newspaper in the bin, and slumps on to the platform. I imagine him replaying, in his head, the scene from The Hangover where the skinny, metrosexual Chinese War Lord says: ‘suo long, gayboyyys’ ...

A short walk from Waterloo over the Thames and along The Strand past dirty alcoves where yet more people, this time in sleeping bags, ask for something for nothing (you see a theme developing here) we arrive at our destination: Trafalgar Square, where a hooded stage has been erected in front of Nelson’s phallic column, guarded

by his four imperial lions. We are here for World Book Night. We are here for ‘the biggest literary event in history’, apparently. Although my friends are hasty in directing my attention towards the launch of Theo Walcott’s ‘thrilling’ autobiography...

In an age consumed by consumercapitalism World Book Night decided to brilliantly buck the trend and give away 1 million books, for free, all across the United Kingdom. ‘Givers’, or ‘Disciples’ as I liked to call them, applied on-line 6 months before-hand and chose from a list of 25 titles, some classic, some contemporary. The ‘Givers’ then received 48 copies of their chosen book to distribute as they wished. Among the 25 Chosen Books were: ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ (Marquez), ‘Northern Lights’ (Pullman)

and ‘The Blind Assassin’ (Atwood).

“Even floppy top Boris Johnson made a nice cameo where he advocated the brilliant experience of getting absolutely gazeboed”

At the V.I.P Entrance the security guard says, gruffly, ‘Orbital are you? ... Orbital ... ain’t that the snazzy name for a motorway?’ Yes, we nod, and swiftly enter.

Ahead of us another V.I.P, a woman with a ferret wrapped around her head whispers loudly, ‘If anybody’s in need of a book, it’s that man. Such grammar issues.’ My assistant, K Edwards, gives me a look which says: this is definitely a literary event.

A literary event hosted by none other than Graham Norton! Yes, I saw Graham Norton in the flesh. (Things To Do Before You Die #47: Tick.) Let me explain what this event was about. A publicity stunt, basically – but a bloody good one, where a bunch of revered and celebrated authors would take to the stage to read 5 minute passages of prose to a crowd of 10,000 book-lovers. 5000 of them were ‘Givers’, most of whom arrived with their bulging sacks of 48 books, and the other 5,000 were random members of the public.

Graham Norton actually did a surprisingly good job at compering the event with his chuckle-worthy observational remarks and constant stream of ahawhaw-hawwwws. Among the stars appearing on stage were Rupert Everett, Nick Cage, Phillip Pullman – even floppy-top Boris Johnson made a nice cameo where he advocated the brilliant experience of getting absolutely gazeboed by reading a Martin Amis account of a hangover, and then Alan Bennet bravely and defiantly stated that library closure was tantamount to child abuse.

Two hours passed and my assistant almost fell over it was so cold. As good old Graham ended the festivities with the words: ‘let the giving begin’ the majority of the ‘Givers’, armed with their bags of 48, did a very strange thing. They started exchanging their chosen book with other ‘Givers’ chosen books. We were stunned: this isn’t the Trafalgar Square Book Club! This isn’t some glorified Swap Shop! Noel Edmunds isn’t here! This is a charitable

event, where books should be given to those less fortunate.

ARTICLE // Chris Pritchard

Eventually the crowds dispersed and the fountains were re-activated. Admittedly, this initial swapping was a rare misuse of World Book Night, because I have since read numerous blogs of people leaving books at bus stations, care homes, deprived schools, youth clubs and by the sleeping bags of our homeless. In this respect, World Book Night has achieved a truly honourable feat, and has bought literature (for one night) to a wonderful non-capitalist identity which puts our government’s recent education cuts to shame.

But it doesn’t have to just happen on one night – you can give away books any day of the year. Also, The Orbital itself is and always has been a FREE publication, so once you’re done reading, pass this on to somebody else. Don’t be like Mr Metro Man. And if you do happen to give away a novel, make sure it’s not something awful like the Da Vinci Code - because that’s sure to spread illiteracy and despair in this country faster than hot butter on proverbial toast. Yes. And to end us on an actual point of triumphant optimism we hand over to Savage Garden and their wonderful words: ‘I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned...’

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 43

Nuclear Anxieties in 2011 ‘There is only one question: When will I be blown up?’ // William Faulkner It repeatedly comes up in conversations that the amount of conflicts and natural disasters relentlessly hitting the twenty-first century almost makes you believe we’re in a lead-up to the predicted Mayan Armageddon of 2012.

likely to survive a nuclear attack than a rundown messily maintained house), or the 1951 Civil Defense Duck and Cover (a 10 minute educational film, just as absurd as worrying, teaching kids what to do in an atomic bombing).

The tragedies that have hit the news headlines are deep grievances, and have tread on each other’s heels at a terrifying pace, including the earthquake in Gujarat, India in 2001; the earthquake in Bam, Iran in 2003; the Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami in 2004; Hurricane Katrina in 2005; the earthquake in China and Burmese cyclone in 2008; the Australian Black Saturday Bushfire in 2009; Haiti, Chili, Tibet, and Pakistan flooding in 2010; the eruption of the Icelandic volcanic in 2010; and now the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, a disaster considered by Prime Minister Naoto Kan as Japan’s worst crisis since World War Two with a death toll expected to exceed an inconceivable ten thousand.

The pervasive fear of nuclear disaster as a result of the Cold War found its way into postmodern literature, dealing with the psychological complex of nuclear anxiety, almost an alternate reality in that any second, lifeas-you-know-it could be levelled to the dust, gone in the blinding flash and heat wave that killed the dinosaurs.

As human beings we have always been incredibly aware and morbidly fascinated with the prospect of the end of the world. TV shows about what the world would look like without any humans and about how to survive in extreme situations feature on the Discovery channel.

Countless apocalyptic movies have been recently produced, such as The Day After Tomorrow (2004), Cloverfield (2008), Knowing (2009) and 2012 (2009), The Book of Eli (2010), and now Battle: Los Angeles recently released this March. The fear of nuclear devastation is just as much a part of our subconscious as it was in the 1900’s following the paranoia of the Cold War and the pervasive fear of nuclear attack, particularly in the United States, consequently creating a generation overwhelmed by pictures of the atom bomb, and bombarded with information on how to best survive a nuclear attack.

With the relatively new marvel of the TV in the domestic household, educational films detailing how to increase your chances of survival were popular, such as The House in the Middle (a short documentary made in the 1950’s which ridiculously argues that a tidy and newly painted house without clutter on table tops or floors would be more 44 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

Paranoia was rampant and obsessive (Tim O’Brien’s The Nuclear Age) and the nuclear fear permeated all parts of life, including domestic life (Don DeLillo’s Underworld), and there appeared a fixation on vulnerability and shelter, a motif threaded through literature born out of the Cold War which ranged from Judith Merril’s post-apocalyptic novel Shadow on the Hearth to a true account of the experiences of Hiroshima survivors in John Hersey’s Hiroshima.

The idea of nuclear war leaving the world in radioactive, smoking ruins paints a terrifying picture of hell.

The Fukushima nuclear complex explosion that happened on Monday 14th March has brought the idea of nuclear disaster back to the forefronts of our minds.

The first flare-up was created by a hydrogen explosion in one of the reactors, and the second was because of the exposure of fuel rods in a second reactor where partial meltdowns were said of have occurred. It is considered the worst nuclear accident since the horror of Chernobyl, and not only is it feared that the country’s nuclear power industry could be severely damaged, but that there will be threatening radiation leakage to the surrounding area. However, Yukiya Amano, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency, has stated that the amount of radiation released was limited.

Words // Pamela Carralero

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 45

YOU REBEL SCUM! Interview // Stuart Blackadder

I

magine my delight, when I, self-confessed Star Wars nerdissimo, am presented with an opportunity to meet one of the iconic characters that has shaped the galaxy I love. Fans of the franchise will wallow in jealousy as I allude to the overconfident Imperial Officer Lieutenant Renz, one of Vader’s best, the bombastic apprehender of Han et al on the forest moon of Endor with the immortal line, ‘You Rebel Scum’.

SB: Thank you. Have you at any point in your life been called Rebel Scum?

We went to meet the man behind the voice of venom, Barrie Holland, in an adventure that would take us to a Subway in Hertfordshire.

Gordon Cameron [SB’s assistant]: It’s not a put down at all. I like it when people call me Rebel Scum.

Stuart Blackadder: Is it OK if we call you Lieutenant Renz throughout this interview?

BH: Yes, it’s interesting how that’s become over the years a kind of cult moment. I honestly never thought that would turn out that way.

Barrie Holland: No problem at all. You do know I’m Barrie Holland really?

SB: What is Lieutenant Renz’s first name?

SB: No! No! Ah you shattered my childhood. [EVERYONE LAUGHS] Firstly, can you call us rebel scum?

BH: That’s a good question, it’s been asked me over the years, and even I don’t know. The surname’s sounding very kind of German, so I think a distinct German name. I think Karl is a

BH: [Apathetic Pause] You Rebel Scum.

46 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

BH: Yes! A very famous cameraman, Alan Hume, he was the cinematographer on Return of the Jedi, and for years afterwards whenever I worked with him on set he would say in a loud voice, ‘We’ve got Rebel Scum with us today.’ I never lived it down; he never let me forget it. He didn’t do it in a sarcastic way, it was pleasant. It wasn’t a put down, it was fun.

good name.

SB: Does Lt. Renz have any hobbies?

BH: Let me think. Chasing women.

[LAUGHTER] I suppose you want me to say something Star Wars don’t you now? Collecting figures of Darth Vader, HAHAHA! SB: Was ‘You Rebel Scum’ scripted, or did it well up inside you, upon seeing the rebels?

BH: No, it was scripted originally.

SB: Did you condone the destruction of Alderaan?

BH: I’ve got to be on their side. The impression he had on me was he was like a ruthless Gestapo officer, just there to totally destroy the enemy. So, yes.

SB: What is your opinion of the prequels?

BH: I didn’t particularly like them actually. I agree with people that say they’d like to kill Jar-Jar Binks. They didn’t flow for me somehow, they

“I agree with people that say they’d like to kill Jar-Jar Binks.”

didn’t flow the same.

GC: Now we’ve established you’re not Lieutenant Renz, you’re Barrie. Did you keep your uniform?

BH: No, Lucas has them under lock and key. They’re like gold-dust. Apparently so, anyway, I’ve only met him once, on The Temple of Doom the following year.

SB: Where did you film the Endor Bunker scene?

BH: Pinewood Studios, Buckinghamshire.

SB: Ah, so quite near EGHAM. What kind of Star Wars memorabilia have you collected over the years?

BH: I have a lot of signed pictures of very famous actors that I have collected over the years, but I missed out on a lot which I regret now.

SB: Have you met many Star Wars fans over the years?

BH: Many? Thousands! I’m very lucky; I’ve done forty shows now in five years.

Been to Japan twice. Been to Germany at least twelve times... Belgium... I was in France... England a few times, Wales a few times. Texas I’ve been to for Star Wars, and California, and Indiana. I like to go to America, the Americans are always over the top for me and you have a great time. I’ve made some very good friends. A girl the other day sent me a Valentines greeting... You

know, ‘I still miss you’, hahaha. My wife says I live in a dream world!

The interview concludes, and we head off to Barrie’s beautiful apartment to see his collections.

Perfectly aligned signed pictures of western heavyweights line the walls, and we are even granted permission to enter his study, brimming with relics and artefacts and personal mementos. Barrie was an excellent host and interviewee, a gaping chasm lies between his charm and the malice of Renz.

We thank Barrie for his cooperation with lowly fans.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 47

The Adjustment Bureau Kerry Edwards reviews Matt Damon’s latest blockbuster, and lets us know whether we should take our hats off in admiration, or eat our hats in sheer abomination.

F

or a film with a remarkably bad name and the expectation of filling the shoes of Inception, it has to be said The Adjustment Bureau comes out much better than that you might think.

By this I don’t mean that it quite hits the high standards set by Inception in 2010, forcing its audience to actually think about the complicated plot of layered dreams and creating a controversial but captivating ending. Far from it, The Adjustment Bureau really does give the plot to you on a plate and a fairly empty plate at that.

The basic idea is that, when politician David Norris (Matt Damon) meets Elise Sellas (Emily Blunt), they have gone ‘off plan’ and must be separated by the Adjustment Bureau. This bureau are the ‘angels’ of Fate who change events to hold up your day, so you miss the bus or can’t get a taxi, and if that doesn’t work they simply freeze you and change your decisions.

All this just to get one person back ‘on plan’!

The only rule is, they can’t alter your emotions. So these agents of Destiny keep the couple apart for years until finally they meet and the agents end up pursuing them in a chase though downtown New York, as they try to escape their predetermined fate.

In order to do this the couple must talk to the Chairman who, after about 200 references to his many names, his great ‘plan’ and the actor’s glancing at the sky all the time, it becomes painfully obvious is God.

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This is quite a low point in the film, especially during the speech at the end, which takes you back to primary school assemblies and moral messages spoken at you very slowly by a well-meaning head teacher.

But if the plot is somewhat sparse, it is honestly made up for by the acting.

Coming from the terrible Hereafter and the massive success of True Grit in 2010, it seems fair to say that a film like this could have gone either way for Matt Damon.

Surprisingly though, Damon and Blunt’s chemistry on screen is brilliant, making the romance palatable for anyone and heightening the stakes of the plot to make for several dramatic chase sequences through magical doors with magical hats.

Ultimately, The Adjustment Bureau is certainly worth watching. With David Norris under threat of having his brain practically fried by a ‘reset’ for telling Elise the truth and her having run away from her fiancé, you will find yourself desperately willing on them through the Brooklyn streets, as fate tears after them.

Rebecca Black : ‘Friday’ Article // Tom Watts

For those of you who have twitter, or any kind of Internet astuteness, you will probably have stumbled across the next viral sensation: Rebecca Black’s debut single ‘Friday’ and the accompanying music video. It is either an incredibly post-modern and selfreflexive satire of a modern pop song, or it’s pure shit. I’m going with the latter – one way or another, watching the video was the longest 3 minutes and 47 seconds of my life, and here’s why: I know this is very un-PC and Carol Ann Duffy would probably lecture me if she could, but Rebecca Black has got a face you just want to pummel. Now there should not be a pop song, no matter how bad, sung by a butternut squash with hair. She looks like the sister of Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical, but whereas Vanessa flourished, Rebecca was locked in a basement and fed fish heads, whilst listening to Cher’s ‘Life after Love’ on constant repeat. In fact I’d go as far to say that she is the female version of Sloth from The Goonies..

Sure, every pop song worth its salt

will have a random rapper crop up at one point and spout a needless few bars and then bugger off to count his cameo cash – we can thank Christina ‘I’m cooler if I spell it Xtina’ Aguilera’s ‘Diiirrrrty’ for that (I forget how many I’s and r’s there are, so soz). So, obviously Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ has got one as well.

However he doesn’t even appear in the video until his verse, and even then he’s rapping along to the Garageband beat, alone; alone in his car; driving and rapping, alone in his car.

One can only presume he’s going to the party at Rebecca’s house, the one she keeps banging on about throughout the song. The only problem? Everyone there is about 15. He’s 30(ish).

Nobody invites a fat (and presumably alcoholic) Usher look-alike to his or her party, especially such a smarmy looking one.

Aside from an irritatingly nasal and auto-tuned voice Rebecca Black is an awful lyricist. I can guarantee she didn’t even write the lyrics to ‘Friday’, but I’m still going to place the blame solely at her feet. I’ve Googled the lyr-

ics and they hurt my eyes they’re that bad. I literally want to stab myself in the eyes with blunt objects so that I don’t have to read this drivel. But I shall persevere.

Every couple of lines is broken up with a reference to ‘Kickin’ in the front seat’, a phrase repeated so many times that any dashboard in front of Rebecca will have been kicked to shit by the time she gets out of the car. Furthermore the chorus seems to have been on the belief that ‘if we repeat the same few words over and over..Well, shucks, this song writing lark ain’t hard at all!’ Lets skip right to the rapper/molester’s verse. Not only does he have the whole washed up, fat, Usher thing going on, but his bars include the disturbing (and possibly prophetic):

Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

Correct. He’s stalking Rebecca & co. home and he gonna make ‘em scream.

TOP CHOON.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 49

London Mozart Players Article // Fiona Baird

On Saturday 13th March the London Mozart Players along with the Choir of Royal Holloway, graced the Windsor Auditorium with a diverse programme ranging from Mozart’s ‘Overture to the Marriage of Figaro’ to Vaughan Williams’ hauntingly beautiful ‘The Lark Ascending’. Hovering awkwardly among the parents and musicians at the interval, mid scone, I was asked by an intrepid member of the choir to review the concert and try and wrangle myself some interviews with the soloists. Sadly, not many students seem to attend these concerts offered on campus and it seemed an ideal opportunity to try and break down somewhat the professional barrier between performer and audience.

The London Mozart Players are a prestigious chamber orchestra founded in 1949 and widely regarded as one of the finest ensembles around today, with a large and loyal fan base. Therefore it was a bizarre but fantastic novelty for them to be not only performing in the Windsor Building, a site I frequent every day with varying degrees of enthusiasm, but chilling out upstairs by the vending machines and using the seminar rooms as impromptu dressing rooms. I approached Tasmin Little, Sebastian Comberti and Howard Shelley, the three soloists, after the concert to see if they had five minutes to talk to me about their performances and inspirations. All were happy to let me barge into said dressing rooms and were incredibly willing to discuss their careers. I’ve been brought up on the peripheries of the music world as I have a parent in the industry and the affability and openness of its members is something that I have always 50 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

noticed. The importance of companionship and the respect these musicians hold for their colleagues seems to play a key role in building a successful career in music. Howard Shelley, the conductor and pianist of the Beethoven concerto, remarks that he remains in contact with the majority of the musicians he has worked with over the years, ranging from his early days at the Royal College of Music to his work with orchestras in places as far flung as Hong Kong and Australia.

In fact he and Sebastian Comberti, the cellist, have been playing together for over 20 years and have developed a strong rapport through their personal and professional relationship.

I spoke to Tasmin first. Despite her

diminutive frame, she carries a hefty reputation and I was genuinely quite nervous at the prospect of playing journalist with her. Tasmin opened the concert by conducting Mozart’s ‘Overture to the Marriage of Figaro’, although she is known as a violinist, she dabbles in conducting, as well as her part as solo violinist she also effortlessly led the orchestra in ‘The Lark Ascending’. Her performance was exquisite; it is obvious that this is a piece she loves. Playing with her eyes closed and conducting through her body’s natural response to the music, Tasmin agrees when I suggest that this has become her signature piece. Since she first performed it on the last night of The Proms in 2005, many audiences and fellow musicians have come to associate her with it. Tasmin seems proud of this; it is so popular with so many people that it’s a bit of an honour, really. “Despite being an English piece of music, I think it speaks to people all over the world. It brings out a lot of emotions”; it’s a quiet piece so it can be calming, but it’s also euphoric. It gets the hairs on the back of your neck. The role of the audience is crucial to Tasmin when she performs and she comments that it is a role she thinks the audience are often unaware of. Through any kind performance, whether it be theatre, music or comedy, the response of those around you is critical. She seems to feed off the positive atmosphere of the audience and states that she definitely prefers playing live to recording, due to this exciting and unique environment.

She feels a real thrill from solo performance, which had been her absolute goal from an early age. This ambition is certainly palpable, through her tal-

ent on stage and the fact that she has now performed in every continent of the world during her career. A quick Google search reveals a picture of her 1000th professional recital, not to mention the reams of major orchestras and conductors she has collaborated with. So what’s next for Tasmin Little? Her 2011 programme is taking her to Australia, New Zealand, Slovenia and back to London.

The concert was brought to a conclusion with the Beethoven Triple Concerto. This piece is for violin, cello and piano accompanied by the orchestra, with Howard Shelley conducting and playing piano. It is a notoriously difficult piece, but specifically it has been heralded as one of the most complicated and gruelling parts for the cello as it demands a high level of virtuosity.

The complexity of the music motivated my questions for Sebastian Comberti: Do you enjoy the piece? Have you played it before? How do you cope?!

Yes, yes and no idea. Sebastian easily has the talent for this piece and enjoys its challenging nature as it allows him to shine. It stretches him. “It’s consistently in the high registers. You don’t get any rest...There’s a common saying that the cello must practice for a year, the violin for a month and the piano for a week”.

Marvelling at the momentum of the music, I’m going to take his word for it. I ask about his partnership with Howard, “we have a great rapport; I’ve been playing with Howard for years”.

Their partnership lends itself incredibly well to the concerto, throughout the piece there is a dialogue between the cello, violin and piano as they echo and answer each other in what I can only describe as musical enjambment.

The musicians are so comfortable in each other’s skill that it looks effortless, despite it being impressed upon me by both Tasmin and Sebastian, just how difficult this piece is. Comberti seems to enjoy a challenge, in 1983 he was appointed Principal Cello with the London Mozart Players and in 2001 he founded his own record label, Cello Classics, which focuses on early cello

repertoire and neglected masterpieces.

This endeavour is continuing to grow in reputation and regard with Sebastian recording to high acclaim and leading research into ‘historically informed’ performance.

Howard Shelley is perhaps the busiest of this trio of musicians, balancing the two professions of conductor and solo pianist simultaneously through recitals and recording. This concert at Royal Holloway was his fifth consecutive performance, having returned from a series of concerts in Padua only a few days prior and performing the night before leading to an unsavoury experience at the Staines Travelodge in order to arrive in Egham on time. My first question for Howard concerned the role and importance of the conductor to a piece of music, as well as the orchestra.

He argued convincingly that it was crucial; music needs a sense of cohesion and harmony, particularly in these long and complex pieces. It needs direction.

Like the reading of a play, music can be interpreted in different ways through tempo and dynamics, therefore many conductors have contrasting visions for the music.

Not only this, but conductors and soloists can also have contrasting visions,

“...It’s a quiet piece so it can be calming, but it’s also euphoric. It gets the hairs on the back of your neck.” therefore by playing both, everything gels together. There is no clash of styles between pianist and conductor, but a unity and sense of agreement from the musicians. It’s like telling a story, Howard says, the audience, as well as the orchestra, need to trust the direction, from the proverbial ‘once upon a time’, it needs to be believable. Particularly with the technical difficulty of this concerto, the conductor’s pace is incredibly important, as the fast conversational motifs and high registers of the music can place a lot of strain on the violinist and cellist. It is certainly a popular piece with the audience, overhearing snippets from the guests as we filed out,

everyone seemed struck by the energy of the piece, remarking on Howard’s signature enthusiastic flourishes and gesticulations as he conducts. On a commercial level, Howard adds, the appeal of three renowned musicians on the bill is likely to attract large audiences. All the Beethoven concertos are currently being recorded by Howard, therefore concerts like these are excellent practise for the studio and promotion for the finished product.

To return briefly to the question of live performances versus recording, Howard takes the opposite opinion to Tasmin and states his overwhelming preference for recording. Perhaps due to his long career and perfectionist attitude towards his work, the attraction of perfect acoustics, balanced sound due to multiple microphones and, of course, the opportunity for a do-over no doubt leads to a favourable performance. As both a conductor and pianist, Howard has over 120 recordings, with complete cycles of Rachmaninov and Gershwin to name a few. His recent recording with Chandos of the Schumann, Grieg and Saint-Saens Piano Concertos is the first time that all three have ever been released together. As a musician who regularly tours the world, live performances however still boast an excitement and have led to a comprehensive view of classical music around the globe.

As a trio, Tasmin, Sebastian and Howard work effortlessly together as they feed of each other’s talent and their own passion for the music. Tasmin mentioned the dream-like quality to her job as she has achieved her ambition for solo stardom, and she is not the only one- all three are at the top of their game. Unfortunately arts funding is being cut back each year, with more and more orchestras and ensembles having to fold in response, yet the audience drawn in by the prestige of the London Mozart Players and the precocity of the Choir of Royal Holloway to the sleepy town of Egham, show that the future is anything, bright.

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A re-evaluation of Glee (Gleevaluation?)

ARTICLE // Amy Richards

I’m a gleek. Unashamedly. And it seems I’m not the only one; the show has received critical acclaim, huge audiences and numerous awards. However, it seems that Glee has as many dissenters as cheerleaders. Ryan Murphy, the show’s creator claims that ‘we construct a TV show dedicated exclusively to the idea of inclusiveness and acceptance for all’, and the diverse cast and feel-good messages that conclude each episode certainly give that impression.

However, for Margaret Hartmann of Jezebel.com the crew’s ‘pompous declarations that the show is “dedicated exclusively” to promoting tolerance...Makes Glee’s shortcomings all the more apparent’. Glee often smacks of tokenism, and relies too heavily on stereotypes in place of individual characterization, coming under criticism of the very groups it purports to represent.

The characters that come under the most scrutiny are the openly gay Kurt, 52 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

and the wheelchair-bound Artie. One of the defining moments of the first season was Kurt’s father’s impassioned speech denouncing the use of the word ‘fag’, and I’m sure I was not the only one to shed a tear at his unconditional support of his son. But whilst there is never an excuse for the use of homophobic language, Finn’s use of the word came under duress, after months of Kurt’s practically stalkerish crush on him, a situation in which he felt his consent was being ignored.

Mercedes had a similarly inappropriate crush on Kurt, but when she finds out that the object of her affections is gay she moves on; why does Kurt not do the same after Finn has made it perfectly clear that he is not interested? There is nothing wrong with playing into a stereotype, and indeed Thaddeus Russell at dailybeast.com argues that it is the openly gay that often facilitate changes in societal attitudes by refusing to con-

form to heteronormative social rules and making themselves heard.

But when trying to change attitudes would it not be beneficial to avoid provoking further the homophobic attitude that all gay men are predatory and won’t take no for an answer? Kurt can be as flamboyant and fabulous as he likes, and it’s great to normalise characters who refuse to conform, but to play into the hands of those who most wish to harm you seems counter-productive. Chris Colfer, the actor who plays Kurt, has become something of an icon to gay teens, who often feel persecuted; it seems unfair to them to fuel the bullies who are guilty of that persecution.

The main criticism of Artie is that the actor is not disabled; the argument is that there are so few parts for disabled actors, so why cast an able-bodied actor in this specific role? Furthermore, Artie does not seem comfortable in his wheel-

”T ch he a ... ng ope m e n ak s i ly in n s ga gt o y he cie oft m tal en se at fa lve tit ci s h ud lita ea es te rd by .“

chair; his performance of disability is unconvincing to those in the know and his dancing is laboured and uninventive.

At one point Artie claims that ‘this is not something I can fake’, rather ironically given that the actor is doing just that.

He performs his disability by sitting with his legs askew, to demonstrate visually his otherness, as if the wheelchair wasn’t enough. Bitch Magazine is scathing in its appraisal of the ‘Wheels’ episode in the first series, listing the overused tropes associated with disability which the show plays into: We got “disability is inspiring,” “disability is a burden,” “appropriation of disability for a Very Special Learning Experience,” “faking disability,” and “see my sister has a disability so I’m not a bigot.”.

“Disabled people, and particularly disability rights activists constantly striving for better representations of disabled people, often find Glee offensive and inappropriate.”

It seems that able-bodied viewers find the show inspiring in its representation of the disabled, whereas disabled people, and particularly disability rights activists constantly striving for better representations of disabled people, often find Glee offensive and inappropriate.

This is not to say that Glee fails on every count. The show is somewhat refreshing in that stereotypes are not the main fodder for the humour of the show, and there is occasional subversion of the stereotypes – the bisexual cheerleaders who fool around together for their own sake, not always as a tool to boost their popularity with men.

However, despite our enthusiasm that a TV show is striving to create a more diverse view of the world and bring it to the attention of mainstream America (and by extension, the UK as well), we should be careful not to praise it too much. Glee is a step in the right direction, bringing these issues to the attention of people who may not have thought about them before, but it is just that. A step. There’s still a long way to go before TV truly becomes as inclusive and accepting as Ryan Murphy imagines his show to be now.

The views presented in this article are not necessarily reflective of those of the Students’ Union or the editorial board of The Orbital. If you take issue with anything being written here, please send your venomous bile or jubilant praise to submissions@ theorbital.co.uk - or use any of the methods of getting in touch on our website: www.theorbital.co.uk

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FIVE FILMS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER

ONE

INTO THE WILD (2007) In 1990, one man ventured not only into the heart of the wilderness but deep into the heart of the human soul. His name was Christopher John McCandless and his quest for truth beyond the implications of a materialistic society, led author Jon Krakauer and director Sean Penn to share his extraordinarily true story. From a narrative of arresting force to a ground breaking and beautifully compelling triumph in cinematography, the resulting film truly expresses the eloquent yet terrifying drama of human yearning that haunts each and every one of us. In my eyes, this film expresses what it is to be human; how we express our true selves through human relations or the connection to nature and literature. With front man Emile Hirsch, standing in the somewhat worn-out shoes of McCandless, his singular performance transcends

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the average actor in a way that defies belief. All in all, a film that conveys a desperate beauty, yet consolidates the connection with all those around you.

Just as McCandless paraphrased his literary hero Thoreau: “rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness…give me truth”, I hope Penn’s interpretation gives you something to play upon. But hey, if it doesn’t give you any of that rather dramatic insight, at least you’ll have something pretty/raggedly hot to look at for approximately 142 minutes of your otherwise ‘hectic’ student life.

TWO

THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP (2006) The human mind is a strange thing - especially that of Michel Gondry. When a film questions the lucidity of imagination and takes us on a journey into the realms of absurdity, we let go. We let go because that is what we dream of...

A film that allows the mind to escape into a world of childlike believabil-

ity and whimsy. This French spotless mind-trip of Gondry’s is a mischievous jigsaw of Stephanes dream life, which spills over the sides of reality. It is a story of petulant love, creativity and spaghetti (in the metaphorical sense of course) where we dive into kaleidoscopic visuals, cardboard cities and seas of cellophane. We become our own creations. In a world where the science of cinema is not unlike the science of sleep. Anything is possible.

THREE ONCE (2006) The power of low-budget film is a wonderful thing. The unique sense of realism that John Carney managed to capture afforded him the 2007 Independent Spirit Award for best foreign film. Once is a raw and delicate insight into the relationship between man and music. It needs no groundbreaking effects or clichéd revelation, but has a fresh spontaneity of untried actors, hand-held cameras and natural

lighting. It is a one off piece of cinema that balances tenderness and grit, without exerting any amount of effort. With unrivalled honesty this film teaches us one of life’s oldest truths; that there’s nothing better than the simple things in life.

FOUR WATER (2005) In 2000 during filming in Varanasi, India, the film created a stir in the media when Hindu Fundamentalist groups aborted the shooting. It forces us to question cultural loyalties against freedom of expression, in a film where the story of widows moves and shames every individual at once. Director Deepa Mehta portrays the world of 1930’s India before Independence, where ‘Ashram’ lives of repressed widows throws a haunting shadow over human morality. Full of beauty, atmosphere and fluid cinematography, it is a film that has become a fire that can never be distinguished.

FIVE SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993)

Article // Emily Copley

Spielberg threw down his safety net (his storyboard, crane and zoom lenses) opting for a documentary-like reel from the eyes of an artist. Schindler’s List is a black and white film with deep resonance, compared by cinematographer Janusz Kamiński to German Expressionism. It’s cinematic beauty detailing shadows and light with film-noirish tones juxtaposes its content. It is a masterpiece that remains timeless and stark, capturing the Holocaust in all its brutality. As one of the best American films of all time, there is one thing we will always remember...That little girl in the red coat.

THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 55

FIVE TRACKS YOU SHOULD HEAR THIS MONTH FACTORY FLOOR

Words // Sel Bulut

REALLOVE (OPTIMO REMIX) [THE COURIER OF DEATH] Factory Floor are a hit and miss bunch, taking all the defining characteristics of underground cold wave, minimal synth and industrial records to create a pastiche of sounds without really finding their own voice. But they sometimes hit gold, and ‘R E A L L O V E’ - besides straddling the fine line between an excellent song title and a terrible one - is one of their golden moments, a wall of sound and a kaleidoscope of colours. Legendary taste makers Optimo deliver a very forward-thinking remix that slows the original down but keeps a driving kick drum pulse throughout, a euphoric assault of synthesisers that is noisy in the best way possible, constantly building itself new peaks and drops rather than working towards any one particular moment. It sits somewhere between a less abrasive Fuck Buttons and Throbbing Gristle’s finest moments.

DANIMAL KINGDOM

WAR PAINT

[HOT POCKETS]

[ROUGH TRADE]

THROUGH THE ICE

Anyone who caught Danimal Kingdom at Love To Make Noise way back in November should know that they are good.

Like, really good. Essentially the project of front man Dan Murtha, Danimal Kingdom take the best parts of new wave an electronic/rock hybrid, pop sensibilities with an experimental streak and danceable beats and bass lines - and process it through the modern-day indie filter. ‘Through The Ice’ is the b-side to their much-delayed debut single and is one of the most ridiculous-catchy pieces of pop music you’ll hear this month, arriving with production oozing pop sheen, so fully formed that it could have been a classic if released 25 years ago.

TEETH

SHAWTY

[502 RECORDINGS]

If the short-lived, much-maligned witch house scene had placed less emphasis on its self-conscious image and more on straight-up groove then it’d probably have ended up producing someone like Teeth. It didn’t, but perhaps that’s what makes the Finnish oddball such an intriguing prospect. ‘Shawty’ is a slice of mutant bass music, perfect for the dance floor despite being one of the weirdest things out there, combining creepy vocal samples and eerie, foreboding synthesisers with heavy duty bass and shuffling drum work that puts the listener into a zombie-like trance. The always-impressive FaltyDL provides an equally messed-up remix to go along with it.

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UNDERTOW (NIGHT PLANE REMIX) New York-based Night Plane’s sound combines house music and the weirder end of disco with experimental US indie rock, so to take on a remix for the all-girl LA indie quartet Warpaint seems a logical move. Their version of ‘Undertow’ is a beautiful if slightly overlong psychedelic journey set against an effortlessly cool club rhythm, cutting up the vocals in such a way to warp them suitably yet retain their lush beauty. Inexplicably, this remix was rejected by Rough Trade, and a quick search online reveals an ongoing petition to get it released in one form or another.

DEN HAAN

RUSSIAN BOAT COMMANDER [THE COURIER OF DEATH]

Originally released on an extremely limited run of 12”s back in 2009, ‘Russian Boat Commander’ has resurfaced in a newer and glossier form as the closing track to Den Haan’s recently-released debut album Gods From Outer Space. An eight minute disco odyssey awash with enough synthesisers to make Giorgio Moroder blush and a Sparks-esque bass line, it initially begins as a clubby cosmic disco workout but takes a flip on its head around two minutes in, introducing the most playful synth line you’ll hear this year and the campest vocals this side of the 80s. The lyrics, so wonderfully unsubtle in their homoeroticism (‘Don’t you understand/he’s here to take command/Russian boat commander/he’s a real big demander’), keep the energy from lapsing at any point. It all ends with overblown, hyper-dramatic, operatic backing vocals and a sea of synthesisers. You’d have to be dead inside not to enjoy this.

For this month’s bumper issue we asked you to put pen to paper and send us the result. From haiku to flash fiction, your contributions were much enjoyed...

CREATIVE WRITING COMP THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 57

ENTRY // ONE

In passing, I notice a dead bird beneath the steps leading up to the flyover. I guess it was once a pigeon, though it’s long since been reduced to a gross clump of feathers. Then again, feathers: Flight. Is that not what a bird is at its essence? In which case, more than simply reduction, is this not purification. Laid low, does it not ascend? What then, is the essence of man? Sartre, Jean Paul, said, “I think therefore I am.” What are we, therefore, after the thinking has stopped? I pass by the bird with this thought it mind. I think a cat must have got it.

There’s a huge red brick edifice at the entrance to campus, the main building if you will, administration. They call it Founders Building. That eternal vagary: ‘They’, nebulous, freely attributable to any group of which you are not a member, synonymous somehow with alien invasion, the ‘other’, as it were, ‘Them!’

And ‘Founders Building’, it being the building of the founder, Victorian, constructed when the university was first 58 // THE ORBITAL 2011 // THEORBITAL.CO.UK

‘Overexposure’

By Robert Wallis

established in order to house the first students, female the lot of them, all crinoline, frilly skirts, and corsets, or so the BBC would have us believe. And then there was Emily Davison, who threw herself under the King’s Horse, pardon the free-flowing capitals, at the Derby, sometime during the start of the previous century. She went here.

‘Founders Building’/’Finnegans Wake’.

But I digress, as they say. In the centre of it, the Quad, one of two, I might add, the centre being a bit unclear, there’s a statue, two figures atop a broad ped-

estal, the eponymous Founder and his Missus, surrounded by broken cherubim. Cherubim: That would seem to be the plural as well, or so my spell checker tells me. There’s a definite feel to the place; everything that’s not red brick or white marble is cobbled or grass.

There’s even a clock tower overlooking it all, shuttered, like the one out of ‘Vertigo’.

There’s even a set of curved double stairs leading up to a sort of walkway, down in the Quad, I mean, well, between the Quad and the clock tower.

I’ve wanted to stage ‘Hamlet’ down there for a while, between the pillars, open-air, but they’re always doing building work, restoration. They’re fighting a losing battle: What goes up must come down, sooner or later. The immutable laws of physics, well, semimutable. It’s said that all matter is just energy reduced to a slow vibration.

I guess it takes that to maintain consciousness. The rest is just gravity.

ENTRY // TWO

Meet Dave: 36 years old, greying hair, tired eyes and a protruding stomach, making him look several months pregnant. He’d spent his life working as a voice-over artist; doing commercials and the odd film trailer, but primarily working as the Big Brother narrator.

For 10 years he had sat watching endless footage of the vilest people the country could offer, as they lounged around, attention seeking, arguing over the most mundane and idiotic things. He was forced to fake a Geordie accent by the executives at Channel 4, who felt it would be homely and more entertaining. But now, with the show finished, he was free; although anytime he met a person from Newcastle, a shiver would still run down his spine as vivid flashbacks of a screaming Nikki Graham resurfaced in his mind.

Dave got more voice-over jobs for film trailers; his favourite perk was getting inside peeks of the latest blockbusters. It was one dismal Tuesday in London, when he was working on the latest Keira Knightley trailer whilst having to watch her storming around, pouting and shouting repeatedly; he was pushed over the edge. How was it he was living his life, by talking about other people’s? Whenever he met someone interesting at the pub, they would have all their exciting hobbies to discuss and enthral him, but all they’d be interested in was his job. Whether he met any of the actors? Did he have any good connections for their friend of a friend’s nephew twice-removed who was looking to break into the business? It was depressing for him to feel like a portal, or perhaps more aptly a doormat, between real people and the silver screen. Nobody really wanted to know Dave; they just wanted to know about the latest Hollywood hit.

At 6 o’clock he left the studio, walking around the damp streets, the rain spitting lazily. From a distance he blended into the surrounding grey stone walls. He watched a couple arguing heatedly through a window, the man ducking to avoid the plate that had just been thrown at him. Across the street was another man carrying a giant wooden carved elephant, straining under the weight. He also passed grubby looking tramp sat on newspapers in a doorway who, despite his circumstances now, was wearing a worn and faded suit.

All these people, their fortunes good or bad, had

‘Dave’

By Rebecca Thair stories to tell: how Dave envied them. He would never be the main character, the one with an excitable life, the protagonist who got the girl or performed some heroic act. Dejectedly he watched these people, the man with the big elephant painfully carrying it across the road to his car. His view was obscured by the mass of wood, unable to notice the car turning fast around the corner, the oblivious driver on his mobile texting.

Dave acted instinctively. In what felt like slow motion, he yelled out at the elephant man, and pushed him out of the car’s path. But he lacked the strength or energy to ensure his own safety.

The car hit Dave at 46 miles an hour, as he rolled over the bonnet and collapsed onto the puddle ground behind the car. The couple from the window, and the tramp in the doorway, looked out onto the street littered with the debris of glass, fragments of the wooden elephant, and the figure of a 36 year old man, in a frozen heap on the floor. Talks about a movie of his life are currently in motion.

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ENTRY // THREE

OK, so has anyone else noticed the freakish amount of squirrels scampering about the founders premises? I mean it’s absurd. It’s as if they escaped from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in search of a better life from the terrors of nut cracking and associating with the likes of Veruca Salt. It’s not like I think it’s a bad thing, far from it in fact.

To be honest I love squirrels. I love how they always seem to be there waiting for me whenever I turn the corner from the college shop. It’s just I never expected there to be so many.

As a country girl I am always excited when I see wildlife. Seriously whenever I walk through Windsor I stop each and every time I see a deer. OK, maybe not every time, there are a lot of deers in that park. But I do hop around and get ridiculously excited.

It’s strange that this is one of my strongest memories of my university experience. Not that everything else hasn’t made an equal impact...

Because clubbing wasn’t really my scene back home, I really needed to pick these things up quickly. And the tutors that held the key to this knowledge? Well it was all thanks to my city born corridor girlies from founders who taught me the tools of the urban trade. I mean these ‘essential’ and ‘fundamental’ rules are what help you through university life. Who could blame you for trying to make the best out of the Union? Sure it’s nothing to London but compared to what I’m used to from the country... Well you can guess the standard if I believe the union is impressive.

‘Squirrels’

By Hannah Jamieson

Aside from these happy little critters I will always treasure the random friends I have managed to collect during these three long years. Well actually it doesn’t seem that long. It does suddenly feel like it has ended abruptly. A blur that has been the crazy Union nights and cheeky trips to Medicine.

I mean before I came to this University I was an utter newbie at clubbing.

I didn’t have the slutty dresses or the GHD’s and most importantly of all I didn’t have THE dance moves. Not the crazy ones which you tried out at the old primary school disco, oh no. The ones which barely make you move at all. In order to ensnare a good looking lad at the Union you’ve apparently just got to sway your hips and act a little bit lesbian with your best mates (this too can be an awesome technique to save a friend in distress from a face-eating man whore).

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Anyway, thanks to this university I have effectively managed to create an external image of metropolitan aloofness and city chic, which at times did seem natural to me. Until, of course, I see that bounding little creature scurrying around Founder’s forest.

The country bumpkin in me would unleash and ruin the whole facade. I guess these squirrels are just constant reminders of the home I left behind.

ENTRY // FOUR

‘Holloway’

By Jorge Gonzalez

I suppose since this is going on The Orbital I shouldn’t use any ‘naughty words’, Or at least say something rude anyway.

Which makes me wonder how I should say what I want to say About all of my experiences at Royal Holloway Which is quite a lot to cover, if I were to start from the first day.

So I guess I’ll focus on just one event, Rather than talking about everywhere I went, All the locations my drunk nights were spent, And everybody’s funny accents.

Otherwise I’ll probably just end up talking about junk, Like all the people I’ve seen drunk, All the lectures I like to bunk, And all the locations where my friends hide their skunk.

Which I have no idea about… ehhhhhhhhhh *cough* But yes, moving on, let’s just focus on one story, Which I can’t prove to you is true or false, As much as I could an episode of Maury.

But I’ll say it’s as close to the truth as a story on Balamory About Postman Pat’s morning glory.

It happened during Fresher’s Week, Which I suppose is no surprise, After all, it’s the week where all the guys Come out with lies By complementing the ‘pretty girl’s’ eyes, Just so later they can push apart her thighs And stick their fork in her American Pie(s).

But unfortunately it wasn’t that way for me, Because when it comes to talking to a chick I really am very thick And probably come across as a right priI mean idiot.

Unlike my good friend ‘Nick’.

(Which is not his real name, but at least this one rhymes.)

But she had quite the pair, And she seemed to really dig my long hair.

So after having some fun with this girl, who was actually rather fair (just kidding, I don’t remember what she looked like at all, And I really didn’t care) She suddenly just walked away, and all I did Was sit and stare.

For a moment I felt depressed, a partial emo, I did not satisfy my stupid ego.

And it was all because of the drink that I willingly accepted From my other friend ‘Rodrigo’.

(Again, that’s not his name. But it rhymes…)

Downed too many jägerbombs and shots of vodka.

And later had trouble walking to my own flat, But I made it quickly to my kitchen and cooked myself some ‘drunk food’.

Rice and peas. Yes, a bit crude, But that was probably ‘cos I did it in the nude While singing along to ‘Hey Jude’.

Unfortunately I caught my toe on the door, And dropped the food all over the floor.

But I ate it all anyway Until the fire alarm went off at half past four.

Suppose that’s what I get for having the mentality of a manwhore.

So while at the S.U. one night, he introduced me to a girl And she looked quite alright And I don’t want to sound like a perv or nothing, right,

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ENTRY // FIVE

‘Swarm in a Fish Bowl’

By Josh Ho Distorted drone and heavy oxygen.

Claustrophobic night come steal my ire, Bring thumping light to break my thought And crush ugly feelings that I had brought.

Wash my eyes with colours of screams, Screams of alcoholic flavor that lick my skin And burn tension across the wall as ice That douses rage in electric spice.

Crash rhythmic limbs, touching hips and clashing lips, As we dance along, mad, in our euphoric cesspit.

ENTRY // SIX

Eis Bessler

By Ange Suprowicz

I’m sitting in the Berlin underground and a woman gets in holding something wrapped. She sits opposite me and puts the package on the seat next to her. The wrapping says ‘Eis Bessler’ (Ice Cream, Bessler.) I am immediately intrigued. Why has she brought ice cream with her on the ubahn? It’s kinda normal in Germany to wrap ice cream up like that so people can take it home.

But on the ubahn?

Won’t it melt? It’s fairly hot in here. How long is she travelling for? Logistics aside, her life starts to intrigue me.

Who is the ice cream for? Why has she made such an effort to take it home? Is it really, really delicious? Is the ice cream just for her? Is it so good she occasionally indulges so much she orders two portions? Or is it for her and her boyfriend? Will they enjoy it while watching a film? Or perhaps it’s for her children. She’s only got two portions. Maybe she’s treating them. I see her carefully touch the ice cream to see if it has melted.

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With a phone call all my questions are answered. Her boyfriend, I assume that’s who’s on the other end, calls and she asks him to pick him up from the ubahn. Not just yet though honey, she says, I’ve got 10 more stops. Ten more! Surely the ice cream would have melted by then?

She tells him she wants to be picked up because it’s raining out, and besides, the ice cream will melt.

ENTRY // SEVEN

‘When I attempted a Charlie Sheen style bender’

By Tom Watts

Most of you will be aware that in recent weeks Charlie Sheen has ascended from mediocre sitcom actor to insane demigod. What you may not know is that although I have all the lovably zany attributes, I’m not actually a mediocre sitcom actor; however this probably isn’t a prerequisite to becoming a demigod…point in case being Zeus auditioning for the role of Ross Geller in the original pilot of Friends, circa ‘94. Well, to liven up campus, and by extension Milton Road, I attempted to do a Charlie Sheen-esque bender, on a budget, here’s what happened:

DRUGS (‘I was banging seven gram rocks because that’s how I roll’) Obviously the ol’ drugs are illegal…plus I can’t afford hookers to deliver them in designer briefcases. But, what I can afford is a shit load of Calpol from the Tesco reduced shelf, and at least 17 Mochas from Café Nero – yes, of course with extra coffee shots. This sort of prepubescent bender quickly led to a situation at 5am where I’d thought Morgan Freeman had thrown cornflakes all over the floor, but it turned out to be a jigsaw of Ron Weasley’s hair.

ALCOHOLISM (‘I am battle tested bayonets, bro’) Sheen keeps getting snapped necking bottle after bottle of Tiger Blood. Us mere mortals can only assume that it is, in fact, real Tiger blood, strung out of a real Tiger by Sheen himself. I could only find my house mate’s pet Rabbit, Perry – named after the premium lager Peroni, so technically Bi-Winning…needless to say, it was like doing a shot of a non-alcoholic Bloody Mary,

with real blood. There was also the fiasco of covering up the Rabbitcide. Conveniently it was pie night on Milton Road.

FIRED FROM A HIT TV SHOW (‘I’m gonna sue ‘em all’) The closest I’ve come to appearing on a hit TV show came in Freshers week 2010 when I interviewed Royal Holloway Tom Cats for Rhubarb TV, and was then thrust up in the air by, what appeared to be, three extras from ‘Bring It On’, all in the name of good journalism...Or good molestation. I sent a few strongly worded letters to the Rhubarb TV head honcho (Troll) Nick Stylianou, but had to stop when the police traced the semen back to me. Since then I’ve joined a group on Facebook called ‘Anti Rhubarb’, but I left when I found out it was to do with allotments.

WINNING (‘The only thing I’m addicted to is winning’) I started to wear a trilby most places I went. This not only made me stand out from the crowd but also protected me from the Sun’s harmful rays. WINNING. I bought a bag of potatoes from Tesco self-service, but put them through as the slightly cheaper carrots, saving 14p. WINNING. I stole a RHUL record-breaking 10 Crème Eggs in one trip to a well-loved garage at the bottom of a well-loved and eponymous hill. WINNING! I lied about whom I was to people at Liquid Windsor to get free cigarettes from them.

WINNING.

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ENTRY // EIGHT

‘A RHUL Letter’

By Dinsey Hope

Dear ---, I hear you’re nervous. It’s a big day tomorrow, after all, and it could go either way. Your first day at Royal Holloway. Say again, out loud this time. Repeat it a couple of times if you want, to get the feel of it on your tongue. This is it – the real deal. The next three years will pass in a blur of student meals, alcohol and last minute essays.

Sometimes, you’ll have the time of your life. And sometimes, it’ll feel as if nothing has changed. That being said, let me give you some advice so you don’t repeat the same mistakes as I did.

As tempting as it is, don’t hide in your room in those first few hours. Trust me, your flatmates are human: they’re as nervous and as excited as you are. Knock on the door, and say hi. Don’t forget to smile – first impressions mean a lot to people.

Avoid doors when in Fresher’s Week – spending the second night in the Hub with a bloodied toe is nobody’s idea of fun. If you fail to heed this advice, strike up conversation with the first aider. He’s more interesting than you think.

Turn off Facebook and go out. Monkeys, Medicine, the SU: it doesn’t matter, just do it. Take a deep breath and learn to appreciate the bad music and the smell of sweat at two o’clock in the morning. You’ll find yourself dancing before you know it – and perhaps you’ll realise it’s not so humiliating after all.

Ride the train to London and spend a day drifting between museums and vintage shops. Visit friends in Brighton, Leicester, Scotland, but don’t cling to those who break away: it will only cause you heartache. Learn to love the little things that make the hard days easier.

Pull at least one all-nighter just to test the boundaries of your abilities. Join societies, juggle too much at once, and then spend a whole day sleeping to recover. Eat a few less takeaways and learn to cook – just like you promised your mum you would. If you can bake cakes, you’ll be a domestic goddess.

Laugh more. Remember that time flies when you’re having fun.

Enjoy the days of sunshine in Founder’s Quad, but try to be at Wedderburn for the Rugby Initiations. Sleep in corridors to prove that you’re an angry student with a voice to be heard but don’t be surprised when nothing comes from it. Plan to make a better world when you’re a better person. Stick your head in the occasional book and study.

Oh, and attend your lectures.

Yours Sincerely, An older, wiser, you.

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ENTRY // NINE

The Siege of the Dishes

By Rosie Jones

HEARKEN me now as I tell you a tale, Of students in Surrey renting a semi’.

Of the five that dwelt there, but one was femaleShe’d tidy habits and manners many.

But the others were not of such good breed: Although wonderful they were, and Indie true: They made impromptu snacks- Nutella greedGrease leaving surfaces sticky like glue.

Plates piled in heaps with dried-up pasta Cups of grey tea long ago filled with mould Filthy forks and a pancake disaster, Discarded Domino’s congealed and cold.

House pride stirred her with its desire for clean, As she donned her Marigolds by the sink, Scrubbing dishes to a shining sheen, “They’ll do it next time,” she would always think.

Her task was over when the clock struck one, And in came the boys, with glee and laughter: “Let’s have some rice! Cook a full metric ton!”

One cried as he stood to yell at Drogba.

With a sigh and cry into bed she flopped To dream of well-sorted recycling, Whilst beneath her drawers opened and toast popped, Empty bottles never nearing the bin.

In the morning she woke and went downstairs; Alas! Alack! A sight worse than before!

(A stolen cone, dried up Ambrosia, Grubby cushions and the smell of burnt hair) Her house-mates were hung over on the floorAt them she did yell with some fearsome glares.

“We’ll do it later,” one pleadingly said,.

“We are so sorry- there’s no need to shout!”

They left again, stepping in soggy bread, Whilst she stayed there to sulk and curse and pout.

Let us fast forward, seven years in time She is grown and lives in a fine clean house: All is in order with beauty sublime, She lives alone with not a chum nor spouse.

She nagged too much, and soon they all had left; Though tidy, she is of her friends, bereft.

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HOW TO MAKE AN ORIGAMI BIRD I suppose that’s it for us, dear readers. It’s been wonderful, hasn’t it? ‘Yes, The Orbital!’ I hear you cry, ‘I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you!’ Well, we thought a nice goodbye item would be instructions on how to make an origami bird. No words are needed. ‘But what, The Orbital; you magnificent beacon of fun, quirkiness, whimsy, and quality; what shall I use for origami paper?’ Fear not, my hyperbolic friend - we’ve provided you with all the previous front and back covers over the next ten pages. Now make a bird, and whenever you see one from now on, think of us.

O

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THE ORBITAL // JUNE 2010 // FREE

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O “I PREFER THE FOUNDER”

“I’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE ORBITAL”

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O THE

ORBITAL

LIVE! OCTOBER 2010 // FREE

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THE ORBITAL LIVE! Submissions: submissions@theorbital.co.uk Art & Design: art@theorbital.co.uk

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O THE

ORBITAL NOVEMBER 2010 // FREE

INSIDE: Demostrations / Guides / Arts & Crafts

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Submissions: submissions@theorbital.co.uk Art & Design: art@theorbital.co.uk

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FEBRUARY 2011 // FREE INSIDE: PhotoSoc / Reviews / Arts & Crafts

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Submissions: submissions@theorbital.co.uk Art & Design: art@theorbital.co.uk Visit our brand-spanking new website: www.theorbital.co.uk

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FEBRUARY 2011 // FREE INSIDE: PhotoSoc / Reviews / Arts & Crafts

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THE

ORBITAL

PRESENT

SECRET POLICEMAN’s BALL

HOLLOWAY PLAYERS

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£3 Entry

COMEDY SOCIETY

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TOMMY’s Bar

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ACOUSTIC ACTS

March 17th 8pm THEORBITAL.CO.UK // THE ORBITAL 2011 // 77

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Submissions: submissions@theorbital.co.uk Art & Design: art@theorbital.co.uk