”All Americans have something lonely about them. I don’t know what the reason might be, except maybe that they’re all descended from immigrants.” — Ryū Murakami, In the Miso Soup
hyphen 2017 curated by jamie noh
jamie noh is a senior at Brearley. jamie is passionate about aapi representation, particularly in media and politics. after 13 years at Brearley, jamie felt that this zine would be a perfect way both to connect with fellow aapi Brearley students and to help others in the Brearley community understand aspects of asian american identity.
i decided to create this zine because of my interest in the intersections of race and education, particularly education in a predominantly white space. this zine does not seek to represent all asian americans, especially not all asian americans at this school. we all have our own lived experiences and we are all raised in unique combinations of privilege and disadvantage. rather, this zine hopes to highlight the unique perspectives and lives of many aapi teenagers who attend the Brearley School.
table of contents baby steps...................................................tiffany lin a kind of dual citizenship.......................michelle gao untitled.........................................................kuu chen responding to white ignorance..............sakura davis asian alumni survey...............................sara everson christine yang mini zine...............................................isabel tadmiri painted fingers........................................davine byon adjustments: an editor’s note.....................jamie noh
baby steps by tiffany lin ‘17 this is what happens: i know that vietnamese is different, worlds apart, from chinese mandarin and cantonese— the language of vietnam is like folksong.
this is what happens: i am hearing ordinary conversations— loud words on grocery shopping and seasonal fruits— become exotic because i do not understand.
this is what happens: i reply in cantonese, thank you, to my aunt who speaks vietnamese;
this is what happens: i am learning hello i am learning how are you
this is what happens: i latch onto the words in english because they are all i have a hope of understanding.
this is what happens: i am mouthing i love you, i am fumbling over pronunciation and intonation and i am forgetting it all in a week’s time
this is what happens: the same question is always on my lips, how do you say—?
a kind of dual citizenship
by michelle gao ‘17
At home, I hear: we pulled ourselves up against all odds, against the express wishes of the existing population. At school: we were pulled up by white gods, deciding on a whim which group of Others to bless. At home: the “model minority” paragon is a point of pride, evidence of the hard work of previous generations quietly setting an example. It’s not entirely accurate, but all stereotypes all come from somewhere. At school: the “model minority” myth is a source of danger. What seems a “positive” stereotype is toxic for those who do not fit that expectation. At home: few issues affect us directly. In other cases, we should read the news, listen to opinions, and decide our positions. At school: because we are a minority, we should fight for every minority issue. Solidarity among all minorities is the operating principle. These are two starkly different ways of considering Asian identity and the Asian role in American society. Each is proud of Asian heritage and emphasizes its celebration. Each springs from what may be termed “lived experiences.” Yet they do not follow a neat narrative—from out-of-date to modern, from ignorant to enlightened. What I hear in school has indisputably taught me more about the world—about different cultures and peoples, about being open-minded and empathetic. But what it’s presented to me about being Asian depresses me. We’re not white, so we’re nothing more than their puppets. Within our own community, we’re beaten
down by the expectations of our loved ones until we feel like nothing. We can’t even really prioritize Asian issues—we are just one head of the multi-headed minority hydra that fights the cis white heterosexual male. Why would I want to subscribe to this belief system? What I hear at home is calmly rational. We will never be the majority in America, so we cannot expect to reap the cultural benefits of being one. We must adapt ourselves—not compromise ourselves, but adapt. We successfully changed the image of our race and we can continue doing so. As individuals we can improve ourselves, teach ourselves what American culture emphasizes (soft skills, big personalities) that Asian cultures do not. Surprisingly, I hear more optimism, more pride for this country, at home then I do at school. My parents still believe in this country, its systems and its people. Though they complain like anyone else does, they do not believe their life could be this full of potential, this good, anywhere else. I bring the arguments I’ve adopted from each realm into the other. From what I hear at home, I want to rant against the racism lacing genuine social critique. From what I hear at school, I want to rant against the mentality of victimhood delegitimizing genuine grievances. I hope I’m doing more than just being contrary. By engaging these dueling narratives and pitting them against each other, I hope I can carve out my own space of Asianness.
Responding to White Ignorance Oh, you're Japanese? ...I love Japan! 0Q PQV TGCNN[ 6JG QPGU + JCXG YCVEJGF CTGP V QPGU [QW F MPQY UKPEG [QW RTQDCDN[ QPN[ MPQY VJG QPGU VJCV JCXG DGGP PQTOCNK\GF KP YGUVGTP RQR EWNVWTG NKMG 0CTWVQ + RTQDCDN[ LWUV YCVEJ VJG UCOG 68 UJQYU CU [QW FQ So, tell me about Japan.
by Sakura Davis
6JCPMU PGGF [QW DWV + FQPņV T XCNKFCV KQP
Do you watch anime?
!!! + FKF PQV UKIP WR HQT VJKU
2NGCUG RNGCUG UVQR HGVKUJK\KPI CPF TQOCPVKEK\KPI #UKCP I love Asian girls. YQOGP #UKCP YQOGP CTG PQV UGZWCN QDLGEVU PQT UJQWNF VJG[ DG IGPGTCNK\GF CDQWV CPF ňNWORGFʼn VQIGVJGT KPVQ QPG KOCIG 6JG[ CTG TGCN KPFKXKFWCN RGQRNG NKMG [QW *CXG [QW VCMGP C NQQM CV YGUVGTP I hear Asian beauty standards are super problematic. DGCWV[ UVCPFCTFU! 0QV UWTG YJ[ PQP YGUVGTP EWNVWTGU VGPF VQ DG JGNF VQ C JKIJGT UVCPFCTF 9JCV FQ [QW IGV VQ DG VJG LWFIG QH YJC ňCWVJGPVKECNN[ # VņU UK CP 2NGCUG TGEQPUKFGT [Q ʼnQT PQV!! You re not that Asian, though. WT QPG UKFGF XKGY Q YJCVņU ň#UKCP ʼn H
! But you don t look Asian.
9JCV FQGU ňNQQMKPI #UKCPʼn GXGP OGCP! 6JGTG CTG CU OCP[ FKHHGTGPV YC[U VQ ňNQQM #UKCPʼn CU VJGTG CTG #UKCP RGQRNG KP VJG YQTNF
#PF [QW ECPņV UC[ UQOGDQF[ ňNQQMU #UKCPʼn CPF KIPQTG VJG HCEV VJCV #UKC KU FKHHGTGPV EQWPVTKGU QH RGQRNG YKVJ CNN FKHHGTGPV MKPFU QH HGCVWTGU UMKP EQNQT HCEKCN HGCVWTGU GVE VJCV XCT[ D[ TGIKQP You know what, I knew you had to be Japanese. I knew it. There's just something a little different.
JKVG Y Q V GU T DCFGIU QH VJGKT Q U G K M X WV EQTQG VJGOUGN Q F P C W J KUV VQC PV VQ TGCUU Z G V ņ + FQPNG YJQ Y GF ʼn RGQR I ňEWNVWT DGKP
asian alumni survey sara everson, christine yang, and jamie noh This survey was designed to explore the experiences of Asian American students at Brearley. The main themes that surrounded our questions were how Brearley affected one’s identity and understanding of AAPI culture and how AAPI culture was represented within the Brearley community. We conducted this survey by emailing and contacting various Asian-American identifying alumni. With 22 responses from both alums and current students, we are able to see how Brearley has and hasn’t changed between 1982 and 2017. Our first objective was to gather people’s opinions on the representation of AAPI culture in Brearley’s curriculum. All of the people who responded felt that Brearley did not accurately portray Asian American culture -- with the only available classes being Ms. Marcus’ History of China and Japan and Mr. Koh’s Indian literature course. “AAPI culture is something you sought out, not something that was part of the mandatory curriculum.” “Sometimes it felt like Asian countries were only brought up in the context of being victims of western countries’ oppressive acts.” The first mention of the History of China and Japan course came from a graduate of the Class of 1994, who also stated that this was the second year of the class. From the year C&J was established to 2017, it has remained the one class that focuses on Asian culture. Even so, several responses indicated that this class only represented the perspective of people in China and Japan and not so much Asians living in America. One student noted that the class “focused mainly on Chinese and Japanese distant history, unrelated to the Asian American identity.” Those who believed that the school hasn’t accurately represented AAPI culture in class also said that even if the school was to, they’re not sure how in demand these classes would be. The most important thing, however, that the school can learn and understand from these opinions is that “Asian history is not the same as AAPI history.” Another issue we investigated with this survey was
the significance of the Asian Awareness club in students’ lives. The club was established around 1990 and served as an affinity group for Asian American students, many of which were East Asian. For students past and present, the Asian Awareness club has been a place of comfort and familiarity in a predominantly white school. 75% (15 out of 20) of the people who were students when the club was established were official members of the club; however, only 3 out of the 15 people felt that the club influenced their relationship with their AAPI identity. Many described it as an “extension and organized form” of their own culture. One student stated that the club “made [them] more aware of [being Asian American] as a crucial part of their identity.” It seems that the students from more recent years were more affected
by the club than those of the 1990’s and early 2000’s. The club has evolved from a small affinity group mostly for East Asian students to a group of well-minded students who can “recognize and celebrate the unique experiences of and issues facing Asian Americans at large”. Just in the past year the Asian Awareness club has grown immensely. In previous years, the club has focused on educating its members on different AAPI cultures that weren’t just East Asian, which are the cultures that most people think of when they think of Asia. However, in this past year, the Asian Awareness co-heads (Jamie Noh, Margaret Sun and Claire Récamier) developed a curriculum to discuss different AAPI topics that were relevant to the lives of the members in the club. There were discussions about AAPI representation in media, gender and sexuality in AAPI culture, people with multiracial backgrounds and much more. The Asian Awareness club has succeeded in demonstrating the importance of understanding AAPI culture and history to the Asian American population; however, there is still work to be done to show that the club is more than just its cultural festival. Beyond responses about AAPI representation within the curriculum and within responders’ social circles, there were also certain attitudes universally present among many of the responses towards Brearley as an institution. A whopping 63% of responders indicated that they had experienced at some point microaggressions from students or faculty at Brearley, with a high correlation between students who had responded “yes” and students who were at Brearley in middle school. Many students describe “girls [students] that didn’t know better”, from “passing comments” to “blatantly racist jokes in the dark days of Middle School”. Even though Asian-American Brearley students have had their share of mildly uncomfortable stories to tell regarding microaggressions, many people also responded that Brearley did not really shape or influence their understanding of their identity as an AAPI person. Many alum credit graduating as more influential in their understanding of their identity - “there was very little discussion about this topic within and outside the classroom”. One alum described Brearley’s “color-blind
philosophy, like ‘race doesn’t matter!’ ““…Brearley sort of subliminally encouraged me [not to] address what it meant for me to be mixed race and Asian American, like they were issues that weren’t important or inherent parts of my identity”. Even though 47% of responders thought that there was a “large Asian American population” when they were at Brearley, 43% also thought that the Asian American community was merely average in its incorporation and integration into Brearley. Part of this disparity was an “invisible barrier” woven into Brearley as an institution, with “no room to identify as an AAPI person”. One student describes the interesting dichotomy of feeling “connected to my culture through bonding with other POC and AAPI… but isolated by the lack of discussion and recognition of my culture from the school as a whole”; many students mention having school on Lunar New Year as a key factor of feeling isolated by Brearley as an institution. Another student states that “I think there were enough people around me, namely other people of color who were all close friends, that I largely never felt isolated from my culture. However, the total environment of
Brearley is one that makes the Asian facet of me much more muted”. However, there are many aspects of Brearley that fostered a greater appreciation and connection to AAPI culture – “students at Brearley were very open to learning and understanding my culture and in some ways it was even enlightening to hear students who had no exposure to China, go to China for a study abroad and come back with different perspectives.” One student shares that “My friends all took interest in learning more about Japan and coming to Japan with me. My mom also did demonstrations in lower school, which some people in my grade still remember to this day!” Ultimately, Brearley seems to have shaped in some small way or another most students’ relationships with their AAPI identity or at the very least the journey towards better understanding their AAPI identity. For me (Christine Yang), attending Brearley in my formative years, when I first began to realize that the world is bigger than just what’s around me, meant that Brearley left a huge impact on my relationship with my identity. Many responders echoed my sentiments that Brearley is their “community”, and mentioned the intersection, assumed or real, of AAPI identity and other aspects of their identity, like family structure, neighborhood, and socioeconomic status. One student mentioned the “uptowndowntown” life they lived, commuting from “Little Italy/ Chinatown neighborhood” and hearing other parents talk about how they were the “[ones] who ‘got out’”. A couple responders bring up the assumed “snobbery” or “elitism” of Brearley as a private institution and the ensuing rift between them and their families. One student described that “my parents and I found it harder to communicate on issues because of our different cultural beliefs”. Ultimately, many students acknowledge and appreciate Brearley as their community, and credit Brearley for an education that they feel privileged to have had. And the nuances and complexities of how Brearley can rectify or ameliorate the sense of isolation amongst AAPI students is hard to decipher; “identity is a personal decision and journey, and I truly don’t believe in schools putting students in a box before they’ve completed that journey themselves.”
painted fingernails by davine byon ‘18 When I was little, I admired my mother’s long fingernails painted in glossy wine. She taught me to paint my own little fingernails So mine could look just like hers. She taught me to paint my own little fingernails So I wouldn’t have to go to a nail salon Where a woman who looks like my mother would paint my little fingernails for me.
adjustments: an editor’s note
jamie noh
All the stories, art, and writing in this zine seem to flow along the same thread: a tinge of sadness. This zine doesn’t leave you feeling happy and excited. Rather, it leaves you feeling like there is something missing. Something that these pieces are yearning for. Something that the reader can’t quite figure out. This zine seems less like a celebration of Asian-American communities and more like a criticism of our dual identity. I can’t help but be reminded of a quote from Ryu Murakami, “All Americans have something lonely about them. I don’t know what the reason might be, except maybe that they’re all descended from immigrants.” Uprooted from an ancestral home, immigrants and descendants of immigrants are all placed in the New World. For Asian Americans, the “perpetual foreigners,” regardless of existence in America, otherness is a constant. The initial prompt I gave to students was “What does being Asian at Brearley mean to you?”. But the fact of the matter is that Asian-ness does not just stop at school. In fact, as many people point out in the survey, this school can be a place that makes or breaks your relationship to that part of your identity which causes a ripple effect through
your entire life. Whether it is the disconnect from your neighborhood, culture, or native language, existing in a predominantly white space can harm any person of color mentally or physically. You end up adjusting yourself to fit expectations of white people, of other Asians and people of color, of teachers, of administrators, parents, and friends. How can one be expected to exist and display their true authentic self when all these factions expect wildly different things? I decided to name this zine “Hyphen” to note the duality of the Asian-American identity. The hyphen allows us to embrace our multiple identities, celebrating a multicultural existence. However, the hyphen is a dangerous thing. A hyphen tells us that we will never be fully “American”. It tells us that we exist in an in-between place. On a sliding scale between Asian and American, between Fresh Off the Boat Asian and Redneck American. A tool for power and destruction.
acknowledgements to tiffany, michelle, christine, sara, davine, kuu, myint, isa, margaret, and sakura: thank you. thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to contribute to this project! i am so inspired by all of you. your words, art, support, and ideas were VITAL to making this zine actually happen. i owe you guys one. to brearley: thanks for giving me the space and time to make this a reality. i hope you find that the writing, art, research, and time put into this zine can act as helpful critique of student life. to alums/survey participants: thank you for your support, kind words, and amazing input! i have loved learning more about brearley through your eyes. to ms. muùoz-gonzalez: thank you thank you thank you. i can’t believe you put up with me all senior spring (and, let’s be real, just all of high school). your advice, insight, and jokes made this whole process incredibly fun and eyeopening!! thank you for advocating for me, listening to me, and feeding me salad.