Instant Message received on 9/28/2005 from MarkAlexisP
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MarkAlexisP (12:01:18 AM): Okay, so I'm sitting here feeling the weight of some bitter-cold mood befalling me - like the last traces of autumn and the first signs of winter - scared out of my quietly fermenting mind: I need out, I'm thinking to myself. I live in a family member's house where nothing is as consistent as the chaos that permeates everything throughout. I'm not sure of where I'll be in the coming month, I know I am not taking the preliminary steps needed to ensure that my health is stabilized and improved upon... MarkAlexisP (12:02:09 AM): I haven't been to a dentist in over three years, it's going on 6 months since my last blood work, I'm still smoking and drinking and I guess you can say I'm suffering from some subtle, though not minor, form of depression.
HU Outreach (12:02:46 AM): So where do you go from here? MarkAlexisP (12:02:50 AM): The moods ease in and out, like the tides and I understand it must seem like I'm coming off inappropriately lyrical at this point, but there's really nothing else for me to cling to.
MarkAlexisP (12:03:01 AM): I feel like Alice descending down the Rabbit hole. MarkAlexisP (12:03:03 AM): I don't know. MarkAlexisP (12:03:08 AM): I suppose that's why I'm writing to you. HU Outreach (12:04:40 AM): I am trying to remember what alice did when she hit bttm... MarkAlexisP (12:05:05 AM): The thing is - there's this tessellating light that shines deep within me - one filled with love, hope and strength. I just need someone or something to cultivate that light...
MarkAlexisP (12:05:17 AM): to make it shine...to make me aware that it's all up to me. MarkAlexisP (12:05:29 AM): GOD I'M SO FUCKING SENSITIVE IT'S PATHETIC. MarkAlexisP (12:05:30 AM): lol MarkAlexisP (12:06:01 AM): I'm like Sylvia Plath without the work to back up the neurosis. HU Outreach (12:06:10 AM): I wish I had the one shot deal that would ignite the bond fire from your lite... unfortunatelly, nothing is ever that simple... MarkAlexisP (12:06:20 AM): I know... MarkAlexisP (12:06:26 AM): I feel like I'm going to cry. HU Outreach (12:06:38 AM): Its ok to cry... MarkAlexisP (12:06:44 AM): Oh I know that... MarkAlexisP (12:06:47 AM): believe me... MarkAlexisP (12:06:57 AM): I've come close to drowning in my tears... MarkAlexisP (12:07:01 AM): on more than one occasion. HU Outreach (12:07:07 AM): for me it helps to clear away some of the "dirt" from my soul... MarkAlexisP (12:07:40 AM): To be honest with you...I'm trying to make it seem like I have things "all together" or that I know, at least, how to get things "all together" and I don't - in either case.
HU Outreach (12:07:53 AM): I often believe that it is these moments that test the measure of how we are as human beings... MarkAlexisP (12:08:14 AM): I'm doing this internship at The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Center ("The Center") and I can't help but think to myself...
MarkAlexisP (12:08:17 AM): what the fuck are you doing. MarkAlexisP (12:08:33 AM): (Of course...they are our "Dark Nights of The Soul") MarkAlexisP (12:09:00 AM): I need money, I need shelter, I need to be checked medically (Dental, Physical, etc.). MarkAlexisP (12:09:14 AM): And I'm running around in my own self-imposed circle of hell. HU Outreach (12:09:59 AM): wow, that must be hell... MarkAlexisP (12:10:20 AM): So... MarkAlexisP (12:10:30 AM): I suppose I need to get this confirmation test from your organization HU Outreach (12:10:46 AM): that would be one choice... HU Outreach (12:10:48 AM): MarkAlexisP (12:11:02 AM): I don't even have money for a goddamn metrocard. MarkAlexisP (12:11:07 AM): It's pathetic. HU Outreach (12:12:41 AM): its life... sometimes the simplist of things can be the most daunting... but sometimes, just sometimes... simple is just that... simple... if you would like, we can set up an appointment to come out and test you... we can even provide you with a metrocard for your follow up... MarkAlexisP (12:13:23 AM): Okay...just guide me through this right now...what do I have to do *right* now to get "the ball rolling" as you put it to me the other day.
MarkAlexisP (12:13:26 AM): ? HU Outreach (12:13:58 AM): Ok, so what day are you free? MarkAlexisP (12:15:25 AM): Well, tommorrow and Thursday, I have to figure out how to get myself to my internship at The Center (13th St and 7th Ave).
MarkAlexisP (12:15:47 AM): But, when do you suggest would be best to set up an appointment with you guys? MarkAlexisP (12:16:24 AM): I mean - it's just an internship I'm doing to try and network within "the community" and to see if I get a job through them, but I can just make other arrangements.
HU Outreach (12:16:28 AM): ok, how long will you be @ the center?