Mars report nov 2004

Gay Men of African Descent

Memo To:

Borris Powell, Director of Programs

From:

Omar-Xavior R. Ford, The MARS Project Coordinator

CC:

Tokes Osubu, Executive Director

Date:

July 23, 2016

Re:

The MARS Project: November Activities

November 1st , 2004 thru November 30th , 2004 Calendared Discussion Topics: November 6th , 2004 The “L” Word: What to do if you say it and get no response.

The L word

By Andrea Orr Sometimes it just slips out. And anyway, someone has to be the first one to say “I love you.”

Oh, but the horror of saying it and not getting a response! How is one to handle that situation?

“You laugh and say you were only joking,” suggested one woman I asked. She really was not joking when she offered that juvenile but somewhat appealing piece of advice. She understood that in the scheme of all disastrous relationship moments, the unrequited “I love you” was among the worst, capable of sending even the most together, confident person, crawling under the bed.

Unfortunately, once you’ve said it, you really can’t go into a defensive tailspin. At least you shouldn’t.

Just for a moment, consider the best-case scenario. The one you love really loves you but was too surprised, touched or tongue-tied to respond right away. It may sound improbable that they’d have hard a time returning the L word after you’ve just laid yourself on the line, but some people need to think these things through. If you take back your own words too quickly, you make a bad situation worse. Maybe those three words were just temporarily stuck in your partner’s throat. Now they’re never coming out.

There are some less-than-ideal scenarios to consider too, like the possibility that you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Ouch.

The hard truth is that no matter how much fun you’re having together, saying “I love you,” is a relationship-defining moment, after which things between the two of you have forever changed.

It’s sort of like saying, “I think we should see other people” and secretly hoping your girlfriend

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insists that she’s committed to you and you alone. She may surprise you and say, “I think that’s a great idea,” and next thing you know she has a new boyfriend when all you really wanted was a little reassurance.

Once you say “I love you,” you can’t go back to saying, “I like you a lot.” If you’ve ever been on the other side of this painfully awkward exchange, you know that’s true. In an informal survey of people who received the L word from someone they didn’t love, I collected this lame list of responses they came up with: · · · ·

“I know you do.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m so glad.”

“I love your body.”

Yet everybody agreed on one point. They were skating on thin ice and only had about a week or so to come up with an “I love you, too,” or be single again. It wasn’t that the person who loved them gave them an ultimatum. Sometimes they made an effort to carry on as a couple who were happily “in like.” But once you rock the boat, you can’t expect to have calm seas. They both knew that there was a serious talk coming.

Perhaps the only thing worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you is being in a relationship with that person. Of course, it will never work. So, if you say, “I love you” and he says, “I love the way the moonlight is reflecting on your hair,” there’s not much you can do except give it time. But not too much time. Say, a week. Two weeks, if you’re dealing with an exceedingly guarded person, or one of those ultra-thoughtful “need to be sure” types.

The next couple of times you see each other, you have a choice. You can remain silent and wait for the other person to bring it up. Or, you can bring it to a head, either by saying, “I love you” again, or by sitting down and initiating the “where-is-this-going” talk. Then you just sit back and let things unfold. The bad news is you can’t make anyone else love you. But there really is some good news, too.

Didn’t someone once say, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”

Be happy that you have love to give and that you have the courage to express it. Didn’t someone once say we should love without expecting anything in return?

Even if you can’t achieve the wise outlook of a poet or the detachment of a Buddhist monk, you ought to be happy that you expressed yourself. It would have been a lot worse to have to carry on, waiting for the other person to bring up the topic of love, only to have things fester and fall apart in a well of bitterness and misunderstandings, without you ever knowing if you were loved.

Really, that would have been worse. If you can’t see that now, from your vantage point underneath the bed, some day you will—the next time you fall in love.

_________________________________________________________________________________ Objective: 

During this discussion, we will create a working definition of the “L” Word.



During this discussion, we will discuss the various uses for the “L” word and how, depending on who It is applied to and when, the “L” word can have different implications.



During this discussion, we will discuss how and why the “L” can create implications and possible difficulties between people.

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Outcomes: 

The discussion began with the group creating a working definition of the “L” Word = LOVE. The group felt that LOVE was more of an abstract word for a wide variety of feelings and emotions and that the use of the “L” can be interchangeable. But due to the interchangeability of the “L” word, there can often be confusion and lack of clarity with the use of the “L” word.

For example, use of the “L” word may be different when we talk to family and close friends from when we talk to people we are romantically involved with or even have sex with. When we say to our parents we “LOVE” them, there is an assumed implication that that love comes from a space of appreciation and respect. That you recognized all the sacrifices that our parents have made just so that we can have whatever we asked for. The group was instructed to think about a Christmas when they received exactly what they wanted and remember how fast they jumped up and threw their arms around their parents and how much the “L” word was used.

The conversation focused on the idea of using the “L” word with people we have sex with.

Some of the members acknowledged that they have been both the presenter and recipient of the “L” word before, during or after sex. Most admitted that to hear someone use the “L” word created negative feelings due to the quick use of the word. The “L” during sex can sometimes heightens the enjoyment but once the sex is over, the group admitted that the “L” still lingers in the air, just waiting to be dealt with. For members who have said the “L” to sex partners, they have admitted that there is a vulnerability that is exposed and the exposure is greater the longer the “L” is left without reciprocation.

The discussion concluded with the members contemplating how the use of the “L” can sometimes trivialize situations, devalue and sometimes scare people off or can sometimes open up new possibilities within personal and interpersonal relationships.

November 13th , 2004 The Secrets of Attraction: Learning the secrets of Romantic Chemistry

Romantic chemistry: The mystery of attraction

By Dee Anne Merriman It’s a miracle. Your eyes meet. Your personalities click, and your secret, inner souls connect.

You can feel the chemistry sizzling in your heart and spreading to your extremities — and I mean all of them.

For me, chemistry meant the world was orderly and predictable. Remember your high school chemistry lab? Everyone set up the same experiment. The formula called for two ounces of this and 1.5 ounces of that. You raised the heat on the Bunsen burner, and in exactly seven seconds, you had sparks. You had chemistry sizzling. It was all so predictable and sure.

The chemistry of love is anything but scientific Throw away those test tubes and bottle brushes. Equations and experiments never apply when you add the human factor. You can put one person together with another and still end up with zero sparks and no fire. You can do it a hundred times with no response. And then, boom! The chemistry of love ignites flames of passion, and all is right with the world. Go figure. Love ain’t no thinking thing.

Dave must have met a hundred men in the past year at all sorts of places. Most were nice enough, but the chemistry just wasn’t there.

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In the same year, John had met for coffee fourteen times and been on thirty-two lunch dates.

He’d emailed and talked to more than fifty guys, but the chemistry never reached a boil with any of them.

Then after meeting online, Dave and John met for a drink one evening. They were immediately drawn to each other by a magnetic attraction. As they talked and laughed, the fireworks began to light up their worlds. It wasn’t long before they could look into each other’s eyes and feel the chemistry of the soul.

What is this crazy, mysterious thing called "chemistry?"

You’ve heard it many times before: "He was nice enough, but there just wasn’t any chemistry."

It’s the big buzzword in dating these days. Nothing seems to baffle singles more. When you look at its different aspects, though, chemistry’s not such a mystery after all.

It starts with the attraction you feel in the first five minutes of meeting. Then real, full-blown chemistry flows into a combination of different areas that bind two souls together.

Dr. John Gray says in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date, "There are basically four areas of chemistry between dating partners: Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four."

"I believe chemistry is more than a physical attraction," says Bob, a local single guy. "It’s an attitude, a passion for life. It’s a whole combination of intelligence, sexuality and an emotional connection to the other person."

The law of attraction works the magic In organic chemistry, opposites may attract. But in romantic chemistry, likes attract. It’s that law of similar attraction that helps work the magic. When two people meet, it is their similarities in the four areas of chemistry (physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual) that will increase the chance of a "chemical click."

"I have always wondered about chemistry," said Tonya, a single friend. "There is always a part of us that craves the familiar. I think chemistry has to do with a need to connect with people similar to us. When we click with someone, we seem to speak the same language. Our personalities mesh. We share the same values and philosophy. We feel the same spiritual connection."

While there is no hard and fast rule to explain romantic chemistry, the law of attraction helps us unravel some of its mysteries. Match.com helps us search out and meet more dating partners who are similar to us. While you still never know exactly when the lightning of chemistry will strike, online dating helps us to increase the odds.

So don’t try to think about it all too hard. Search for local singles, and with the laws of attraction in mind, keep meeting new people and find new friends. Enjoy the dating journey and follow your heart. It could help you unravel the mysteries of romantic chemistry for yourself.

Objective: 

During this discussion, we will discuss how your reaction is to someone you have an unexplained attraction to.



During this discussion, we will discuss how sometimes our fear of exposure and rejection can sometimes cause us to mis-read signals of interest.



During this discussion, we will discuss what happens when you act on the signals.

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Outcomes: 

The discussion began with the MARS members sharing some of their personal experiences with “attractions”. These stories had a myriad of settings that included the clubs, bars, parks and public places. Members described things like extended eye contact, or this feeling of the person and them being the only people in the “space”. Some even described it as time slowing down/standing still.

But for most members,

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