The reason i cry

The Reason I Cry By: Justin Walker Chapter 1: The Beauty of Quincy Street Every morning I arose to the arguing of the people on my block. It was all to routine with Grandma making a pot of coffee and smoking her cigarette, while watching the weather channel. The old guys were out in front of my bedroom window slamming dominoes on the table, while smelling like cheap beer. The usual crack-heads were across the street begging anyone who passed by for two dollars; just enough to get a hit. The neighborhood drug-dealer; who lived on Gates Avenue, that was always on Quincy Street making his usual deal from his ’77 Cadillac. The upstairs neighbor arguing with her husband and tossing his belongings out the window to the street was no shock to anyone either. The gang of girls from Lexington Avenue was always starting stuff with the loudest girl on our block. She always sat perched on our stoop with a Bacardi in hand; drunk as I don’t know what, but cursing up a storm in front of my window everyday!

This was my life. Wasn’t it beautiful and so meaningful?

Sometimes there was the occasional shoot-out on my block and that was the only source of entertainment we ever had. What made it more interesting is that it would be in broad daylight. Crazy, right! All the kids playing; girls jumping rope and drawing on the sidewalk with chalk and the boys playing basketball and bike riding in the midst of all the drama and confusion; I guess people have no consideration for children.

Bed-Stuy’s Quincy Street between Nostrand and Marcy Avenues’ was my home and so routine. The ice-cream truck came by at like eleven o’clock every night and sold everything but ice cream! The ice-cream truck was the only place I know where you could get the latest bootleg or get a good deal on the latest music tapes two for five. You could buy new outfits, hats, shoes, and bags for the ladies. Also you could get the blowout cell phones and dime bags.

One of the only good things to look forward to was when my mom would come

by Grandma’s house and pick me up to go to the park. Every other evening at like seven o’clock she was there. I especially enjoyed when we would take the B-44 bus to Flatbush’s Church Avenue where she lived; I loved that. She would always have some peaches for me and let me press the bell when we got there. Then the dreadful time of night came when my mom had to take me back to Grandma’s house. Don’t get me wrong I loved my grandma’s house; it’s just I always had limited time to spend with my mom.

My block however, was full of family and friends. My Aunt Shawntae lived in the three hundred building with her mother, her baby’s father and my cousin Trevor. My Aunt Dana lived in 293 with her family. Both of my Grandma’s best friends lived on our block too. Ms. Willoughby lived in 269 and Mr. Gonzalez lived in 274. However both of their extremely large families lived in our building. Ms. Willoughby was Guyanese and had a very large family. Mr. Gonzalez was Dominican and also had a large family. Our building was so full of Caribbean’s and Latino’s it could have been renamed The Caribbean United Nations.

My mom was fresh out of high school when I was born and turned eighteen a few days after graduating. In the following February she had me and turned nineteen in June.

Almost a whole year had passed because it was June 1, 1985. I was already a year old and it was six more days until my mom turned twenty.

That particular day my mom, Aunt Shawntae and my cousin Trevor, who also is my age, took a walk to Tompkins Park to get away from the usual drama of the block. At the park we ran into their friend Tim. While the three of them were talking my cousin and I went to play on the equipment.

“What’s up Kim; Shawntae?” he said as he walked up.

“What’s up Tim? What are you doing over here?” asked Aunt Shawntae.

“Just chillin’ tryin’ to escape the drama of Quincy Street, you know how that it is.” he said.

“Yeah, don’t we all. That’s why I moved to Flatbush. I wanted to put as much space that I physically could between me and them!” replied my Mom. “Now y’all both need to stop! Quincy Street is not that bad! I managed to survive just like both of you have!” said Aunt Shawntae.

“Great! We survived Quincy and life goes on, but why would I want to continue on that road when I know that I can do better!” stated my Mom. “The way you speak, you make it sound like you are better than us when you are in the same boat as the rest of us. You are a teenage mother, single, with a plain low paying job and just barely makin’ it your damn self!” said Tim. “Well, that’s my life now, but it won’t always be that way. I promise you that!” said my Mom. “Yeah, we’ll see in due time!” commented Aunt Shawntae.

I guess my mom got pissed off because she grabbed me and we left. She took me back to Grandma’s house and she went home early. My grandma was in the kitchen playing cards with the lady from upstairs. She was a young lady around my Mom’s age, and the best thing about her was that she had three kids around my age. Her oldest child named DeAun was two. The second child named Jonelle was eleven months and her last one named Monique was two months old. She also had her nephew and niece with her, C. and Anaujiram. C. was a year old and Anaujiram was 5 months.

There was nothing to do at the house but watch TV. I had learned a long time ago that when Grandma had company I was to stay quiet unless she told me otherwise. They stayed with us for a few hours before they left. I used to love when they would come downstairs, because I was always lonely there by myself. They lived upstairs on the third floor so we saw them everyday. My grandma was the landlady and she was a friend to everyone in the building.

A few days had passed and my mom hadn’t come by so I was upset. She finally came around on her birthday and started spending time with us again. Grandma’s card games were getting bigger and longer as more people from the building would come by.

She invited this Dominican couple from upstairs to start coming to the games. That was cool, because they had three children, Jose and his twin sister Angelina who were my age. Then there was their newborn son Gary. Once they started coming to the games my grandma started letting us play since there was an extra five kids there who could walk anyway.

My grandma started baby-sitting all of us on a regular basis. I loved it, but she used to always say that we were giving her gray hair. After all there was DeAun, C., Jose, Angelina, Jonelle, Anaujiram, Monique, and Me. Anyway it was June 18, 1985 and C.

had just turned two and my grandma threw him a party because his mom was too messed up to do so. Ms. Nicole was one of those crack-heads that our block was known for. So C. spent a lot of time with DeAun’s mom and my grandma.

I used to wake up late at night and look out my window to see Ms. Nicole sneaking out of the building. I would be very quiet as I watched her walk to Nostrand Avenue and stand on the corner. Eventually a car would stop and she’d get in. Late one night we heard a noise in the hallway. When Grandma checked through the peephole it was C. wandering through the hallway crying. So Grandma opened the door and took him back upstairs, but the only person there was Anaujiram. Then she brought them back to our house and took them in for the night. In the morning when Ms. Nicole came back, Grandma met her at the door.

“Nicole, come in here for a moment. I have to have a serious talk with you.”

Grandma said.

“Yes ma’am, Ms. Lisa.” she said staring at the floor the whole time.

“Nicole, sweetie I don’t want to get into your business, but I have to now. Last night I found C. in the hallway and when I took him back upstairs you were not there. If I wasn’t a nice person I would have to report you to the police for child endangerment.”

Grandma said.

Ms. Nicole raised her eyes from the floor to meet Grandma’s eyes dead on. Her eyes were real wide as she said “Oh please Ms. Lisa, don’t do that! They’ll take my children away from me and they’re all that I have to keep me going!”

“Whatever happened to picking up a bible or saying a prayer? The life you live is not safe for you or your son! If you don’t care enough about yourself than at least try to care for the children! I’ve noticed the lifestyle that you live, but I never said anything to you because truthfully it’s not my business! You always have your rent money on time and you’ve never given me any problems! So what you do with your life is up to you, but I draw the line when a child is endangered! I’ve tried to be your friend, but now I must speak to you as a mother! If something happens to the children while you are gone you will do life! Did you ever think about that? What happens if something happens to you on one of your little adventures? The state will have custody of your children and that will be the end! I know that you don’t want that! I watched you grow up and your mom would be so disappointed to find out how you conduct yourself!” Grandma said.

“Please don’t tell mom or my sisters!” she pleaded.

“Get some help or you will be dead before you turn thirty just like so many others before you! I know that you are better than that! Rise above the others on this block don’t get sucked in!” Grandma said.

By then Ms. Nicole was crying. So Grandma went and got C. and Anaujiram out of the bed so they could go home and then they left. After that for a very short period of time Ms. Nicole seemed to be doing better. She didn’t leave at nighttime and she looked slightly happier. She gained a little weight and started to dress in business attire like she had a Manhattan job. I guess that was just a phase, because it went up in a poof of smoke when the building discovered that she was pregnant.

It seemed like everyone was going through something bad, starting with Jose’s family. The Gonzalez’s were splitting up and fighting for custody of Jose and Angie. His mother wanted them and she wanted to move to Flatbush. Instead the father got them and was preparing to move back to the Dominican Republic sometime after Christmas.

The end of July had come and Jonelle turned a year old. I swear that my grandma was the community grandmother. She celebrated every birthday of every child in our building. Their family was having problems too. My grandma used to always say that she suspected that something was not right about her dad. She thought that he was secretly on crack himself and possibly cheating on his wife, but she had no proof. Plus it was none of her business if he was or not.

Aunt Shawntae’s baby’s father got messed up on crack and sucked her in too. She went from being three hundred and ten pounds to being one hundred and twenty-nine in about a month. Plus she didn’t hang out with my mom anymore. She was wrapped up in her man and his crack! If it wasn’t for Grandma going across the street every now and then to check on my cousin Trevor, I’m sure he would have starved.

My grandma loved the kids on our block and Trevor wasn’t even her grandson, but she stepped up and took him in too. I know that it’s sad, because his own grandma lived one floor down from them and she never checked on him. His great-grandma lived on Nostrand Avenue somewhere close to Halsey Street and she sold crack herself. Our neighborhood was getting sucked into the crack game hard and fast! Especially our block with the shootouts getting closer and closer together!

Aunt Dana seemed to be the only one who wasn’t caught up in drama at the time.

She was still a church girl as it should have been. The summer was over and it was going into November with the crime not easing up in the neighborhood in the slightest way.

However things on the block started to calm down a little when some of the people started moving away from our block. Grandma planned a big Thanksgiving and invited some of her alcoholic card-playing friends with a few others from the building. After that not much happened for about three weeks.

Around December 13th we started smelling a horrible smell through out the building. She searched every apartment in 277 to find it, but she came up with nothing.

About three days later she had one of her friends go up to the fourth floor where it smelled the worst. When he got up there, he stepped out onto the fire escape and made his way to the next building which was 281 to an open window and found one of her friends was dead and rotting.

He had apparently had a heart attack from his crack use and died like a week or two ago, but life goes on. So with him being buried and Christmas passing not much else happened.

On January 25, 1986, Jose and Angie turned two years old. In February my grandma’s other friend was robbed, rapped, and murdered on Nostrand Avenue coming from work. Now people were a little scared since that happened to someone from our block so close to home. On Valentine’s Day I turned two and my mom and Grandma had a big party for me.

Aunt Shawntae got herself together until the end of March when Trevor turned two. Then Aunt Shawntae plunged headfirst back into the crack.

Aunt Dana had turned seventeen around the end of March and she had her eyes on the neighborhood drug dealer from Gates. The quiet church girl days were over! She was a beautiful girl who could have had her pick of any guy she wanted, but she chose him.

They started messing with each other for a little while and then later she ended up pregnant. Boy! What did she do that for? She asked my mom what she thought about it and of course her big sister wasn’t happy, but oh well! Aunt Dana’s mom was like go

ahead marry him; he’s got money. So after she told Melvin about getting pregnant he wouldn’t let her go. Then one day he got her and they went and got married at a local church on Marcy Avenue a few blocks away. Nobody was invited and nobody knew about it, until he moved her off of Quincy Street to Gates Avenue.

Summertime was around the corner and Ms. Nicole gave birth to her twin boys Lee and Mike on May 7, 1986. Grandma was preparing to move down south to Virginia.

My mom was finally ready for me to move in with her when Thomas and this other guy had a huge shootout in front my bedroom window. My mom lost it and begged my grandma to take me with her because she didn’t want me to grow up with that drama.

So, when August came Grandma was ready to move and my mom kissed me goodbye and that was it, the end of Quincy Street.

Chapter 2: A New Beginning When we arrived in Bluefield it was mid August and very hot. I learned that I had a lot of family down there. That town was where I met my father’s parents. They lived at the bottom of the hill from us. My grandma walked me down the hill to the other grandparent’s house and they seemed amazed by my presence.

My paternal grandmother had previously stated that she did not believe that her son got my mom pregnant, but I looked just like him. Who could argue with that? My paternal grandmother’s name was Ebony and her husband’s name was Eugene. My dad was Eugene Jr. and he had a sister named Eve. My Aunt Eve had two boys named Marshall and Antoine who lived with my paternal grandparents.

Now that the brief family tree history was out of the way. Antoine was two just like me and Marshall was five. I met my grandma’s brother who lived three blocks away from us, but down south one block is like a mile away. My grandma’s sister lived a little closer to us, but that didn’t matter because they didn’t speak! I met other aunts and uncles and a host of cousins around my age and slightly older. There was really too much family to keep up with.

My great-grandma and great-great-grandmother lived next door to my paternal grandparents. We noticed that DeAun’s grandmother was our next-door neighbor. I didn’t even know that she had moved off of Quincy Street and certainly not to that little town in Virginia. She and Grandma quickly became best friends again, since they both had something in common, Quincy Street.

Over the next few months’ things were really boring! Then my mom came down south for Christmas and I had the biggest Christmas a kid could ever ask for. My mom and Grandma alone spent almost two thousand dollars on me. I was extremely happy!

When my birthday came around I received even more toys and a big party to go with it!

When the summer came I went back to Brooklyn to stay with my mom in Flatbush. A lot of things had changed, like her having a boyfriend. She had started dating Tim and he had moved in with her. I liked living with my mom a lot. It was really fun and I loved her job, it was cool too. The only thing that I didn’t like was when my mom would leave for work and leave me with Tim. Every time she did that I arose to an empty apartment, because he would be gone!

He always left me with no food and nothing to do! He left a three year old, alone to just sit by the window and wait for hours until he returned! I was never the child to go messing with things under the sink of playing with the stove. I was always sitting by the window until he came home just before my mom would come and pretend that he was there the whole time!

Slowly things started to disappear around the house along with Tim’s leaving everyday. On my mom’s days off when she would be cleaning the house she would find dime-sized pieces of the screen from the window. Eventually all of the antennas from every TV and radio started to disappear. That’s when she was on the verge of going crazy! She couldn’t figure out what was going on with her stuff.

She called Grandma to try to get advice and finally talked to Aunt Shawntae about it. Aunt Shawntae being an expert crack-head knew exactly what was going on. She told Mama that Tim was freebasing which means cooking up his own crack from baking soda.

That’s why all of the antennas and pieces of screen were around the house.

My Mom was pissed and when Tim came back home she asked him about it.

Naturally he lied about it and slipped up and called my mom out of her name. She tried to kill him, launching the huge prayer candles at him until he ran out the door and down the stairs out of the building. He never came back either and I believe she just threw his things in the trash.

My mom became friends with this white girl in the building and started to get her life back together. Because everyone knows that no matter what problems you are having a friend always make things better. However the people of the building didn’t like the white girl and started not to like my mother either. People who saw them together had negative things to say like dike and lesbian for starters. I was too young to understand what they were talking about though.

The end of the summer came and I had to go back to Bluefield with Grandma and leave my mom once again! It wasn’t that bad though, because when I got back DeAun, Jonelle, Monique, C., Anaujiram, Lee, and Mike were there. They had come to Bluefield to live with their grandma next door to us and I loved it! DeAun’s mom had had twins since I was away in Brooklyn and Ms. Nicole had another child who she sent to live with them.

Because I returned in October and I heard that Antonio and Sharice were born September 16th. Ms. Nicole’s daughter was born on February 6, 1987. They moved back to Brooklyn around Christmas time and once again I was bored. My dad started coming up the hill more to see me, but I didn’t like him at the time. I wasn’t used to having a man around me and especially after what my mom went through with Tim. It was clear that men could not be trusted and I was only three believing that!

That year we didn’t have a Christmas because my grandma converted to being Jewish. I didn’t understand it, but then it didn’t really matter. She bought me anything I asked for whenever I asked for it. The only thing that bothered me was that I had to learn a whole bunch of biblical stuff out of these workbooks. She explained to me that Santa Claus was not real and that in the biblical day there were only ten months. January to October at least that’s what we call them and other stuff like how when she was little Christmas was on January sixth. If that was really the lord’s birthday then why did it change and how when they found baby Jesus he was like two months old already?

That summer my paternal grandparents’ asked Grandma if I could go on a trip with them to meet my other relatives. Grandma agreed and they took me to Detroit for like a week or so. While we were there we took a ferry ride from Detroit across Lake Huron to Ontario. On the Canada side we were in some kind of outdoor mall in a large crowd of people and Grandma let go off my hand for a minute. Someone bumped me and I fell without Grandma realizing that I wasn’t next to her anymore! I started to walk with the flow of people to the edge of the water where I saw a lot of pigeons. I remember chasing them in circles and then some lady picked me up and carried me away. I didn’t know her, but I asked if she had seen my Grandma and it turned out that she was my grandma’s sister. When Grandma saw me she looked as is if she had just had a heart attack. We got back on that boat and returned to Detroit before going back to Bluefield.

Of course when Grandma found out that I was lost she wasn’t happy. She said that if my aunt could pick me up with my crying then anyone could have. She said that it was very irresponsible of them as grandparents to lose me on the very first time ever

taking me anywhere. She later forgave them and started allowing me to visit their house again.

February came around and I turned four. That was a very traumatizing year for me. Antoine’s older brother Marshall locked me in the basement of the house while he was babysitting us. It was dark and he made me watch old Freddy Movie’s until I was seriously paranoid and afraid for my life. I know how most people might not think that it’s that serious, but to a terrified four year old it is! That night at eight Antoine and I ascended up the hill in the dark to my house. We made it about half way up the hill by the big pine trees when we heard noises coming from the trees. A masked man jumped out of the tree with a knife and put the blade to my neck. I just cried and called for Andre who was already gone down the hill leaving behind one of his shoes and me! The man then started to laugh and said.

“You little baby stop crying like a little punk!” he said before he revealed to me that he was really just my cousin Marshall and he ran down the hill.

I was so scared that I ran all the way up the hill without looking back! I stopped on my front porch and cleaned up my face before entering my grandma’s house. I knew that if I would have told her that I would never be able to go down there again. I eased in the house and went straight upstairs to my room without even looking at her.

That night while sleeping I had a dream that I repeated for the next eleven years. I call it the death dream. It started with me lying in the bed under the covers and being scared from the sounds of the house in the night. I had to go to the bathroom and it was to cold to leave my bed. I turned and looked of my side window overlooking the woods to see a tall man in black with red eyes coming out of them. He caught me looking at him and he quickly ran across the street into our backyard out of my sight. Shortly after that I heard the glass out of our backdoor burst and footsteps through the living room, which was directly under me. I ran and shut my door and pushed the TV table in front of it while I tried to scream for my grandma, but my voice was muted. I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs as I ran back to my bed still trying to scream, but no luck with sound. He came directly into my room and stood at the foot of my bed with knife in hand laughing. He raised his knife and I took off running not trying to find out if he were serious or not! I ran downstairs and out the door through the yard to cut through the tall pine trees. I tripped and fell to my knees but that only slowed me down for a minute.

When I turned around he stared me in the eye before slicing my throat! I fell to ground spiting out blood and gasping for air! I felt my eyes becoming real heavy as I started to blackout, but right before I did I jumped up from the dream to be lying face down in a puddle of blood from a nosebleed I would have in my sleep every time!

Later in the year I almost electrocuted myself. My bike was being fixed and I was playing with the kickstand throwing it up in the air like a baton. It got to close to the hanging light socket and went inside of it like a magnet was pulling it. Me being dumb I tried to pull it out and I was thrown four feet away from it landing softly on my bed while this huge blue lightning bolt struck the spot where I was standing. I saw the burnt spot on the floor and got scared; not because I was almost struck, but I knew the burnt spot would need an explanation. So I tried to pull it out from a different angle and it stuck like a powerful magnet was holding it. When I let go I was thrown into the far corner of my room and gently placed on the floor. Once again a second blue lightning bolt came out of the metal rod and struck the other spot where I was standing! Quickly growing more

fearful of being punished for a second burnt spot in my floor I tried one more time to pull it out. I walk over to my TV and stood in front of it figuring out how to remove the rod from the socket. I gave a good hard yank and I felt like I had been lifted and carried over to my window. Everything happened in the blink of an eye all three times and I was still alive not noticing that! The last time it felt as if time had slowed down for a second because I was suspended in air in front of my window as the blue lightning bolt struck my TV and fire to shoot out of all the outlets. My grandma walk in to see me floating by the window, but the carpet by my door had caught on fire and she couldn’t get to me.

That felt like the longest blink in history. When I blinked my eyes she looked at me amazed and said.

“Thank you my God for sparing his life!” she cried out.

After those words I was gently laid on the floor by the window and the fire suddenly went out. All of the lights started blinking and then shut off and the rod simply fell out of the socket! Although Grandma was mad at me she didn’t punish me and I never tried that ever again!

I never told anyone because I thought that no one would believe me anyway.

However I can honestly say that I knew what it was like to float for three brief seconds. It was so cool I used to constantly jump in the air to try and suspend myself, but it never happened again.

I also learned how to tell lies that year. I swear that was the worst thing to ever happen to me! I suddenly became fearful of my grandma when she would raise her voice or just period. I started finding myself lying to her for mistakes I started making on a regular. One of the mistakes I used to make was not cleaning myself properly and having to hide my underwear until laundry day. Another situation was snacking on some of the goodies that she bought for after dinner and weekend snacks. She always knew that I was the one, because there were only two people in our house.

That year was not all bad because that was the year that my grandma taught me how to read. We used to do a lot of different activities with writing and math. Antoine turned four on Easter right after me. He started coming up my house to play and I was allowed to start going to his. We quickly became best friends.

That summer I stayed in Bluefield and met the neighborhood kids. The rest of the year went by and Christmas was no big deal I turned five and then summer came. On August 24, 1989, I started Kindergarten with all of the children that I had established friendships with. I was extremely excited about my first day of school and I was happy to be around other kids. I had a wonderful teacher and I loved that year. One of the boys from my neighborhood ended up in my class. He, I and another girl were the only three black people in the whole class. I was concerned about that.

I had never seen a white child before so it was weird with their being twenty of them in one place. We still got along fine and the year went by smoothly. I used to pass my cousin Antoine on the way to lunch and I had another cousin in the school named Reggie too. We didn’t really speak that much because his grandma and my grandma wasn’t speaking. That’s why he was forbidden to speak to me and I was the same. Our paths crossed all the time, but our lips never parted to each other.

When school was out DeAun and his siblings and cousins came back to Bluefield.

They didn’t associate with anyone outside of me. I tried to introduce them to the other kids, but they could never leave the hill. When August came I started first grade and in

September DeAun and family went back to Brooklyn. I hated that year because my teacher was horrible and once again it was me and one other black child in the class. She was quiet and stay to herself. The other girl caught the Chickenpox and moved away so I never saw her again.

Antoine and Reggie ended up in the class next door to me. As you know I spoke to Antoine all the time and Reggie; never. The year I was in the first grade was extremely hard because my grandma had converted to the Jewish religion and customs. Nobody in Bluefield knew what a Jew was and I hated explaining it because they still didn’t understand! That was when the kids started picking on me for not being able to celebrate Halloween, Christmas and Easter. I was the weird one! I hated it; truly!

Some of the older kids from the projects did not like me. I never knew why. I was six years old while they were eleven to fourteen. I didn’t know them and I stayed to myself, but they use to try to and fight me everyday. I used to run fast so they never caught me until one day when I was tired of running. I got off the school bus and I decided to walk up the hill instead of run. If they tried to fight me I told myself that I would stand up to them. That lasted maybe two minutes then the four of them jumped me. I had two them I really did until the one who live across the street from the bus stop went home and got his two dogs! One was a Pit-Bull and the other was a German shepherd both of them were bigger than me! At that single moment when I saw the dogs coming towards me I stopped trying to fight. I stopped trying to run and I just started praying and crying! One of the dogs knocked me down and attacked me while he held the other one! They were laughing so hard at me that they just had to call the dogs off of me and help me up. They dusted me off and wiped away my blood and said all they wanted me to do was just stand up to them. Once I had stood my ground to them they made sure that nobody ever bothered me again!

I was seriously glad when first grade was over, because I hated it and everything about it! DeAun’s family came back to Bluefield that summer and there was a new cousin named Alex. He was around a year old. That summer Grandma had drove us to Pageton, West Virginia to see my other family. I liked them a lot, but we didn’t stay long.

In August I started second grade and the whole DeAun routine continued. My teacher was slightly nicer then the previous one, but not much. I believe I was the only black child in my class that year. I didn’t like that at all! From Kindergarten to second grade the number of black children per class decreased by one each year until I was all that was left! I basically floated through second grade with B’s and C’s until the end. I learned cursive writing and multiplication over the course of the year and when summer came I was happy.

That particular summer I didn’t stay in Bluefield, I went back to Brooklyn. My mom had a new boyfriend and a new home in East New York. She also was pregnant and that was cool I guess. I was hyped because I would be a big brother; me being eight years old and all. We now lived on the corner of New Jersey Avenue and Linden Boulevard.

I thought that I would like her new boyfriend and all, but I was greatly mistaken!

He was the meanest man I had ever had the misfortune to meet! That was one guy I can honestly say that I hated with a passion. He was a two-sided coin in my eyes.

Around my mom he was an angel, but when she was gone he used to abuse me and threaten to hurt me if I told my mother! He forced me to eat foods I did not like or I ate nothing at all. He hit me in the head for every little thing that went wrong in his life

whether it was my fault or not! I stayed on punishment basically the whole summer and was by myself. He blamed me for mice being in his apartment and one night when he caught one; blood and all he placed it on my pillow while I was sleeping.

I watched the fireworks from my window because I was on punishment. I hated that summer and I begged my mom to send me back to Bluefield early! As bad as I hated that place I was ecstatic to be back away from them! My mom had even changed into a person I did not know. Plus he was talking about marrying my mom too! I cried and begged God not to let that happen!

When the end of August came I started third grade. It was really different because we moved to a new school building. Grades K-2 were in one neighborhood and grades 35 were in another. The new school that we were in was huge! It kind of reminded you of a high school setting. We had to change classes and carry our books around all day.

Our main teacher was okay I guess. She was an older white lady with salt and pepper gray hair. There were three black kids in our class besides me there were two girls. We stayed in trouble so we each sat in a different corner of the class far away from each other. In third grade I lived in detention! Our school had this ridiculous strike system! Three strikes equaled Friday detention from after lunch until the end of the day.

Five strikes equaled Tuesday detention from 3:15 to 4:15. Nobody wanted that one because then your parents knew that you were in trouble. At least with Friday detention nobody at your house ever heard about it. Every Friday was fun Friday from 1pm to 3pm and I think out of the whole year I participated in two of them.

The winter was approaching and my dad came around for a brief and gave a little money and made some promises for buying me clothes that I’m still waiting to see. The winter was the time that I saw my dad the most and that was about it.

On January 5, 1993, my mom gave birth to a boy. I wanted a sister, but she clearly wasn’t listening to my request! Well his name was Nasir he was the closest to a Hanukah present that I was getting. She decided to keep him in NYC with her instead of send him to Grandma. On February 14, 1993, I turned nine years old and I was a big brother now. I mean I was already a big brother because on June 23, 1988, my dad and his girlfriend had a daughter named Cynthia, but she lived in Atlanta, Georgia, with them and I didn’t really know her. I had met her once when she was two of three, but she probably didn’t remember me she was four years younger than me.

When school was out I stayed in Bluefield and Grandma packed up all of things preparing to move. I couldn’t believe it! We were leaving the big house on the hill and moving into the projects. I didn’t want to move to the projects; projects are bad everywhere in every state. These projects were called Tiffany Manor and they were rivals with Crescent View at the time. I live by Crescent View and chilled with people from the View. Tiffany Manor was nicknamed Lil’ Harlem for the amount of violence that occurred everyday.

My cousin Jonathan III moved in with us to help with the moving in the earlier part of the summer. He was a big guy, like at least four hundred thirty pounds, plus he was mean to me. My grandma liked him though; I believe he sold drugs. He used to do a little them his self. We had these beautiful orange flowers growing in our yard called poppies. In the mornings before they would open this white glistening milky liquid would come out of them. I asked Grandma one day while she was watching one of her stories if

it was milk. She told me yes because I refused to be ignored and she wouldn’t get peace and quiet until my question was answered!

Anyway I was curious so I watched J. III early one morning before Grandma woke up and this is what he did. First he cut the heads of the flowers off and placed them in a bowl. Then he squeezed all of the milk out of them into an old mayonnaise jar. Next he placed the mayonnaise jar in a boiling pot of water for a few minutes while the water part of the milk evaporated and left white powder. Last he poured the powder on a sheet of paper a cut it up with a razorblade then snorted it up he nose! I watched him do this a few mornings and quickly become a new person; he was nice! He started losing weight and just in general was a happier person.

I thought that the milk must have been special so I did what I saw him do because I wanted to be really cool too! However I started having really bad nose bleeds from it, but I also felt as if I were walking on clouds all day long until it would wear off. So I overlooked the nosebleeds and did it everyday for that summer until there were no more flowers left. After I couldn’t get the milk I start feeling sick and breaking out into night sweats in my sleep. I was very paranoid, light headed and skinny. I was upset and just mad all of the time so I went on a quest for these flowers until I found some in a neighbor’s yard. I couldn’t get to a stove so I decided to drink the milk right there. It tasted awful at first, but it soon paralyzed my tongue so I couldn’t taste anything. I had to suck the milk out of a lot of flowers to get my same normal feeling. I finally felt relieved and then the next day someone cut the flowers down while mowing the lawn. I lost it I started shaking uncontrollably and then Grandma noticed a change in my behavior. You know parents though as long as I was quiet and didn’t hurt myself she was happy.

We were approaching the end of the summer and school had started. I couldn’t really seem to stay focused because I hadn’t had any milk in a while! As we started moving our furniture into the new apartment I slowly forgot about needing milk! I really couldn’t believe that we were moving into the projects!

They were in Bluefield, West Virginia, though, and we lived in Bluefield, Virginia, so that meant that I would have to change schools. That was what I dreaded the most! Late August came and I started fourth grade in Tazewell County, but we moved over the weekend of September 17, and on October 3, I said goodbye to Tazewell County and moved to Mercer County.

Chapter 3: Grandma and the Projects You should have seen all of the heads staring at us when we moved into the projects. We moved into apartment eighty-four in building nineteen. In the south, the projects are different from the one up north. They’re built like mini-houses or row houses, but they’re project buildings. Our building was apartment’s eighty-three through eighty-six. We met the other three families that live in our building and they seemed nice.

A boy from across the street in apartment one eleven came over to us and introduced himself to us as Terry. He offered to help us move our stuff in, but I really think that he wanted to be nosy. You know like scope out our stuff and then set us up to be robbed later on, but Grandma wasn’t on the same page as I was. She agreed and let him help us and then paid him ten dollars. I was pissed I moved all that crap for free, but she paid a complete stranger to have us possibly robbed later on, real smart!

On October 6 1993, I started school at an elementary school just across the bridge right on the main avenue. The first day of school was okay I was placed in the honors class because of my previous grades. The classroom was very small and it was only nine other kids there. Our class was called a split class six of us were fourth graders and the remaining four were fifth graders. My teacher looked like she was evil, but I didn’t want to judge.

To my liking I noticed that out of the ten of us six were black. I noticed a guy who was dressed real bad and in general an ugly guy at the front of the class. His name was Christopher and he was a real ass! I quickly grew to dislike him, but I tried to stay clear of him. Because everyone agreed that he was the best fighter in the school and the toughest guy in the projects. He lived in apartment fifty-one down the hill in the second loop where I was forbidden to go.

Anyway during lunch I saw some girls that looked familiar, but I had to sit with my class I couldn’t go to their table. Two thirds of our school was nothing but kids from our projects. Then the rest live in one of three places, North Side, East End and the West Side. I survived the day in our roach infested slum of a school and wished that I was back in Tazewell County. When it was time to go home I learned that I had to ride bus number 502 and it dropped us of in front of the main office in the Manor. Which it was only four buildings away so it wasn’t that far.

On the walk home I decided to talk to the girls I had saw earlier. Their names’ were Cantrale and Carmen and they were cousins. After a brief conversation I learned that they were related to my uncle. Cantrale lived in apartment eighty-seven in building twenty and Carmen lived in apartment ninety-five in building twenty-two so they were on my side of the projects. I remembered seeing them at a Thanksgiving dinner a few years ago at my uncle’s house.

Anyway, October passed by really quickly and with us being Jewish we couldn’t celebrate Halloween. When the trick-or-treaters came by Grandma had a big sign in the yard, which read “NO SOLICITING!” but of course you know kids still rang our bell just to be a pain. I was invited to my first Halloween Party, which I could not attend. I wasn’t that crushed by it though because Grandma was always restricting me from things. I still created a goodtime for myself because I had big imagination; I was obsessed with natural disasters.

Well Thanksgiving was approaching quickly and I was kind of looking forward to a project Thanksgiving. I finally started meeting the kids from the other fourth grade class and establishing friendships. I found out that nineteen of them were related to me.

Plus Cantrale and Carmen were in the other class so I kind of wanted to be over there. I heard they never had homework and they always had fun.

I met this one cute girl named Katrina who wasn’t my cousin and I built up my courage to ask her out. To my surprise she accepted and it was done I had my very first girlfriend. We called each other everyday and would talk for four and five hours at a time. We had started dating on November 22, 1993, and four days later was Thanksgiving so I had two Thanksgivings to attend.

Returning back to school was a drag and I really hated the honors class. I hated the homework, I hated the teacher and in general everything about that class. We did get a student teacher for five weeks and that was a brief breath of fresh air, but all good things have to come to an end sometime.

I remember one day in class where I was just kind of daydreaming not really paying attention to the class. I saw my uncle’s car drive into the school parking lot. Then a few minutes later I was called out of class for early dismissal. I discovered that Grandma was in a car accident earlier that morning and was in the hospital. Apparently she hit a patch of black ice in the street and veered of the street onto the college campus stopping short of hit a big tree. She was in no real pain and wasn’t damaged so she was released quickly and we went on with life.

About a week before Christmas break my teacher crossed the line and embarrassed me in front of the whole class. I was having a little trouble on a Science assignment and she said to me.

“My goodness those Tazewell County schools weren’t teaching you anything! I swear I think you’ll be dumber going out of this class than you were when you came in it!”

As soon as I got home I told my grandma and she was pissed! She called that lady all kinds of colorful choice names. She called the school before anyone had a chance to leave and scheduled a parent-teacher conference for the next day, which was December 11th. However we ended up having a surprise snowstorm, which kept us out of school until sometime around Martin Luther King Day. On January 17, 1994, Grandma had showed up at the school with evanesce. We heard my Grandma cursing her out from upstairs. We were preparing to go to lunch when our teacher came running upstairs crying and transferred me the other fourth grade class immediately! My grandma was very unhappy because I had gone from making A’s and B’s to having D’s and F’s for that marking period. When I moved to the other classroom it was like a scene from really ghetto movie.

In that class out of thirty-one students twenty-six were black. My girlfriend was in that class and all of my cousins. We all got B’s just for showing up, we didn’t do any work and there were no books. We did exactly what we wanted to do everyday and I loved it. Some of the kids use to snort this white powder in the back corner of the class just like my dry milk. Then I got sucked back in! We didn’t want to get caught so we came up with more sneakier ways to smuggle it into the school. So my cousin Clifford used to cook it up at home and bring it to school in his shoe. Then in class we had the big bag of white cheddar popcorn everyday and we would pour the powder on the popcorn

everyday and walk around stoned all day long! Every now and then the teacher would look up and question us on why our eyes were red. Our answers varied from allergies to pinkeye. No one ever knew why.

Our teacher never paid any attention to us anyway because he was always preoccupied. These two little white girls in our class were chose to be his class helper’s everyday. I can’t remember their names right now, but I do remember them sitting on his lap with him reading the paper and giggling at random. I remember him sliding his hand down the little blonde girl’s shirt rubbing her chest in class. When we would go to lunch he made the little brown haired girl search for something under his desk. We would return and catch him moaning in class and he always would say.

“Good job! You found it! I’ve been looking for it for a while, but I couldn’t get under there!”

Then he would zip his pants and threaten us to be secretive about anything that heard or saw in his classroom. We didn’t care though; he could have raped and buried them for all we cared just as long as we didn’t have any work! I know that it’s a horrible thought, but that’s life. One day Grandma was curious to why we never had any homework and called the school to request a parent-teacher conference with our teacher to see if I was lying. She arranged it and the day came and she found out that we didn’t do work. She wasn’t happy! She wanted me to earn my B’s instead of them being given to me for just being there!

The school had so many supervisors on him that our whole world was torn down!

We suddenly learned who was truly smart and who was not! Because those of us who had previous good grades had no problems and everyone else turned into copiers of the smart!

We became sober again and life went on.

On February 12, 1994, my mother had come to Bluefield with the new baby to see us. He had turned a year old already, but he was new to us. I was excited to finally have someone to play with, but there was a problem. He couldn’t do anything! All Nasir did was get hurt! So I quickly grew to dislike him! Everyone else however thought that he was the cutest thing!

Then I had to start sharing my things and I really wanted to send him back up to wherever he came from! I argued with Mom that she had given me the wrong brother! I lost the argument anyway because he’s still here. My birthday party got snowed out and postponed for a month. It ended up being nice though, of course my girlfriend was there and other people from school. Antoine, DeAun and his family were there. Oh yeah, DeAun and family moved back to Bluefield for good, but they lived in Virginia.

On April 15, 1994, Trina turned ten and had a birthday party, but we had a tornado warning that day and my grandma wouldn’t let me go out there. So Trina broke up with me. In a sense I was happy that I had held a relationship for that long and it was my very first! I missed Trina, but there was nothing I could do. We didn’t speak to each other anymore!

With it getting warmer and Memorial Day approaching the projects felt more like Bed-Stuy. The people were barbecuing, girls jumping rope, and boys riding bikes. It was nice and then I had my first problem; my first fight. Christopher tripped me in the hall and I yelled at him so he told me.

“Oh you think you so bad! We’ll see just how bad you are when you’re getting your ass kicked!”

So I thought about all day at school and I told myself that he would simply forget about it. I was wrong! As soon as he entered the school bus he plunged a sharpened pencil through the center of my left hand and I bleed all the way home. So by now I knew that he hadn’t forgot and when I got off the bus I took off running toward my house. In hot pursuit he caught me and punched me in the stomach a few times then he went home.

In the background I saw my cousin Robin standing around laughing instead of helping me!

“Bitch! What the hell are you laughing at? I though that families stick together!” I said.

“Who are you calling a bitch?” she yelled.

I did not answered I just dusted myself off and started walking away. She was still babbling something in the background, but I paid her no mind. Then she screamed out my name and when I turned around a big brick busted my top lip. I fell to my knees in pain, but we had accumulated a circle of project kids cheering us on and the oooh’s. I couldn’t just sit there. I had to fight now or I would be a punk for the rest of my days in their eyes’. I regained my strength and walked up the stairs to the street and kicked the hell out of her knee! She was strong though she wouldn’t go down! We exchanged blows to the face and we both got really bloody and backed up traffic. It all end with my grandma spotting us in the street bloody and coming out cursing at us, mostly at me for hitting a girl! I thought I would never hear the end of it!

Not much else happened for the rest of the school year and when school was out we stayed in Bluefield that summer. I didn’t have any more fights and we ended up making up and forgiving each other for the way we acted. That summer was very adventurous for us because my cousin Chris moved to the projects and we did everything under the sun together. We climbed trees and went exploring in the woods and did a whole lot of crazy stuff! When school started we went to the fifth grade and it was crazy!

We had so much fun. Our teacher was really cool and I loved the fifth grade.

I ended up being in class with Trina and she turned really mean, but I didn’t stress her. That year went by very quickly with lots of drama! Carmen’s dad the pastor of a local church was caught cheating by his wife with a prostitute. Cantrale’s mom robbed Wal-Mart and was sent upstate, while the kids faced becoming property of the state!

However they did let her out for our fifth grade graduation. My mother surprised me at the graduation. I was scared half to death. With my last name being Walker I was third to last, but they didn’t call my name. Everyone had diploma in hand, but me so I was worried. I knew that my grades were good so what could the problem be? At the very end of the program my mother walked across the stage in a beautiful navy blue and gold Palazzo pants suit with gold high heel shoes and a high-top finger wave with a royal blue streak across the front. She presented me with my diploma and my mouth just kind of dropped as uncontrollable tears streamed down my cheeks.

I really didn’t expect to see her because I know she had just move into a new place and had a house warming party planed for the June 11th. She canceled though because my graduation was on June 8, 1995, the day after her birthday. On June 13th we went back to New York.

Nasir was just learning how to talk good and he used to always say Lisa whenever he referred to my mother. Now we wondered whether he couldn’t say mommy or if Kimberly was just too hard to pronounce. My mom was dating a guy named Sean. He

was really cool and I remember that he use to work at Kings County Hospital. We would only see him like every two or three weeks. So one day he decided to take Nasir to the park so they could bond right. I didn’t go because I was at the YMCA summer camp.

Anyway I’m guessing that Nasir had seen something because when they returned all he would say is Lisa. The next day we went to the Bronx Zoo and stayed all day and it was a beautiful family experience. When we returned back to Brooklyn one of Sean’s friends approached him when we came out of the subway station. His exact words were.

“Man, Sean! Where you been? Lisa been looking all over for you!” said the guy.

“Lisa.” said mom to herself.

We walked home in silence and approaching the front door he said.

“Lisa’s my sister.” as the sweat, poured out of his head.

“Oh, okay.” said my mom blandly.

After that day we didn’t see Sean anymore and Nasir started saying the word mommy.

Well anyway she had moved to a ground floor apartment on Pacific Street between Nostrand and Bedford Avenues. It was nice, real spacious and we only heard a few shoot-outs every now and then. That summer was fun and I decided that I wanted to move back to Brooklyn. It’s just that my grandma became very unhappy and started crying when we told her. She later became sick and we received a phone call in the night that she had a heart attack and was in the hospital. Grandma refused to go to the hospital because she didn’t believe that anything was wrong. She told us that she had gas and that was what caused the pains in her chest; so she believed.

You know that I couldn’t leave Grandma in her time of need, because she was scared! She had survived a heart attack and she didn’t want to be alone! So I returned to Bluefield the week before school started and I got prepared for middle school. That was where Nasir and I parted because he stayed with my mother. I finally didn’t have to share my things with anyone and I was back to being an only child, but I still wasn’t happy.

The new school was huge and way at the top a mountain overlooking the town’s football stadium. I ended up in some classes with my friends from elementary school.

That school was so big that six or seven elementary schools emptied into it. I met a lot of new black people and we lost Carmen because she moved to Alabama. Trina and I had started speaking again and established a new friendship.

I met another girl and after she passed the DNA test to prove that we were not related to each other we began to date each other. That one only lasted one period because she started to fall for my cousin and then she broke up me. So I started dating her best friend Jade. Sixth grade went by pretty quickly too. Jade and I dated each other for about six months until around my birthday. I remember for my birthday she bought me a bootleg chain and I didn’t have any Valentine gift for her so she broke up with me.

Sixth grade was a very life-changing year and that wasn’t necessarily for the best!

I remember that everybody was losing their virginity and I was pressured! I held up well to the pressure in a sense, so then I was called gay for it! I was teased horribly for not wanting to have sex with the girls that everyone had already slept with! I over heard some guys talking about oral sex at the lunch table and I became curious. I learned about masturbation and oral sex at the lunch table that day. I heard all kinds of wild stories of the things people had done for the release!

I slowly became very fascinated with the whole idea of sex in general without actually wanting to try all of it. So during the time of this entire period, Grandma surprisingly trusted me to start having company upstairs. Because every since we moved into the projects if I ever had company they sat in the living room in Grandma’s presence.

I never had anyone walk upstairs, until I turned twelve. Then it was like a magical trust gene was placed into her body. She only allowed one girl in my room though and that was Cantrale. One, because she was family, no matter how distant she was on the family tree. Two, because she was polite and quiet, appearing to be a trustworthy church girl.

I was also polite and very quiet. That didn’t mean a thing! On Saturdays Cantrale would come over my house and we would play Nintendo. Then eventually we would talk about sex and who had slept with whom at the school? Cantrale told me that she had tried it before, but only anal sex, because she was afraid of getting pregnant. I was still the virgin who had never seen or touched anything! After Cantrale found that out, guess what happened next.

She became interested in me kind of. At least interested in teaching where things go and what they feel like! We kind of overlooked the fact that we were cousins; because hell we were distant cousins so it almost didn’t count. She unzipped my jeans and removed my penis. She then thought me about masturbation personally. It excited her to see me do it. She also taught me about oral sex by performing it on me. We attempted to go all the way; raw, but I stopped. It didn’t look right to me. She had lotion in there and it just disturbed me. After seeing that I lost my erection! So she told me to put my finger in there, but instead I used the tip end of a pencil. She started laughing so hard that Grandma became curious to what was going on.

“What are y’all doing up there?” Grandma asked.

“Nothing, he’s tickling me!” Cantrale yelled.

“Well, she bit me!” I yelled.

“I swear y’all two are worse than little boys who like to wrestle.” Grandma answered back.

After that was said and done she went to the bathroom to fixed herself and returned to show me how to properly suck on a nipple. When I think about it now it makes me sick only because of who she is to me. She was fine as hell though and a lot of guys tried their luck with her, but was rejected. I don’t know whether to feel special or disgusting!

After I saw Cantrale’s private body parts that I never should have seen; it was like she lost her face. Looking in to her eyes I always saw her vagina. So I started avoiding her and later we stopped speaking. That helped a lot! The main problem I had now was the other kids believing that I was gay!

I finished the rest of the year without breaking down because of all the mean remarks. That summer Grandma would not let me leave! She made me stay in Bluefield.

One day she let me go back to Bluefield, Virginia to spend the day at my other grandparents’ house while she had a day of quiet. We later received a phone call from my uncle at the hospital with Grandma. Her blood pressure was three hundred ten over one hundred sixty-eight and she had had a stroke in the middle of the hot July day.

The main artery in her neck pinched shut, cutting off blood flow to her head.

Surprisingly she survived it! The doctor put some kind of balloon in her neck to keep it from happening again, and then stapled her neck closed. I was so sick to my stomach

when I saw all of those huge clamps in her neck. She acted as if everything was okay, but I know that she was scared to death.

Well Grandma ended up being okay and that horrible time of year came to mark the end of summer. The beginning of my seventh grade year was both good and bad.

Good, because I had a clean slate and I was slightly older. I demanded more respect and I made more friends. Bad, because my summer was cut early and I didn’t like my school anymore. The glamour had worn off.

Anyway I was happy being in seventh grade for one reason; we had first lunch.

Other then that nothing else was worth going to school for. I stayed in trouble getting suspended off of the bus and I was suspended from school for the very first time. I however couldn’t tell my grandma though so I called my great-grandma and she got me back in school without my grandma even knowing a thing until weeks later. I floated throated seventh grade with C’s and D’s to end the year failing Science and Social Studies.

Memorial Day was approaching and the annual carnival had arrived. I went with some friends to the carnival and I had a nice time, until I bumped into someone I never expected to see. I bumped into my dad and that was the end of my friends. He pulled me a side to talk to me.

“Hi. When did you get in town?” I asked surprised to see him, but confused.

“I got in town last night. I called your grandmother and we talked about her health and all. I also understand that you have a big decision to make!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah I do, but how did you know that I was here?” I asked even more confused.

“Your grandma told me that you were out here with some friends. So, I decided that I would come out here and try to find you.” he said.

At that moment I got pissed off, but I didn’t let it show. Because I paid twelve dollars to ride the rides for a certain time and then I had to leave at eight thirty. It was a school night you know! He would be in town for at least four more days! He could have seen me another time! I understand that he hadn’t seen me in a while, but I felt that the whole act was rude!

“Okay?” I said.

“Hey! How would like to have my last name?” he asked me excitedly.

“I wouldn’t. I like my last name the way it is. I mean I don’t want this to sound wrong, but I grew up with my name and I don’t think I would like to have a new one. It would sound too weird to me.” I answered.

“Well, it’s cool I guess, but if you ever want to change it call me. I mean I would really be so proud if you and your sister had my last name, especially you because you’re the man. You should be the one to carry on my family name.” he said really pressing the issue.

“Marshall and Antoine are carrying on your family name.” I said.

“Marshall and Antoine are not my children.” he said sounding heated.

I quickly changed the subject and tried to make him realize that my friends were waiting on me, but he sent them on their way. He took over the evening and I stopped having fun because he took me home.

On the ride home he told me that there was no pressure on my decision. If I chose my mother he would still be there for me and if I ever needed anything to give him a call.

Summer had finally come and I went to summer school to pass before any of my other classmates found out that I had failed. Because I refused to repeat a grade and be one of the oldest kids in all of my classes, that was not going to happen. Over the course of the summer my mom and dad started to speak. I was already disgusted with my dad from all of the broken promises and lack of money that I was seeing. Grandma told my mom that she wasn’t feeling too good and that she was getting tired. She wanted me to move with one of my parents and the choice was mine. So I weighed my options. I would be turning fourteen and the thing was which parent to choose. I loved New York from my childhood and my summer visits. I was quickly growing to hate Bluefield. The downside to choosing my mother is that I was afraid of her. She would overdo it on the hitting when she would be mad at me. My dad had never hit me. My mom always made sure that I had money and anything I needed or wanted. My dad was a truck driver and told me that I possibly could ride with him across country during the summers. Moving with my mom meant that I would spend more time with my little brother. Choosing my dad meant that I would move in with his parents in Bluefield Virginia. Not that I had anything against my grandparents, but I was tired of Bluefield, Virginia and West.

I had a whole year to think about it, but I was leaning more towards my mom already. My decision would effect my ninth grade year so I was good to go, no real pressure! I entered the eighth grade excited and feeling old. I was a big dog now. My classes were harder and I had a lot of friends and people who wanted to hang out with me just because I was an eighth grader. The first month went by quickly and in October approaching Halloween; Grandma stopped eating and stopped leaving her bed. I tried to make her eat everything but she threw everything up. The only thing she wanted was oranges and orange juice. I didn’t think anything serious of it because she didn’t tell me anything was wrong with her.

When Thanksgiving came Trina’s parents had invited me over and it was nice.

Trina’s mother came over one day and surprised us. She came to cook dinner for us. I already had cleaned and cut up chicken to fry and had the green beans ready and the rolls.

I had homework to do and hadn’t got to the dishes yet. Nasir was sitting on a blanket on the floor watching cartoons and staying quiet. I admit the living room and kitchen were a little junky not dirty. Well Trina’s mother took over and finished what I had started so I finished my homework. Later on at school I was called out of class and asked a lot of questions by my principal and a social worker from child services. They ran a series of depression tests and everything else. To find out was I a happy child? How were things at home? Was I neglected? Abandoned? Was my house clean and livable? Did I ever think about suicide? You know things of that nature. I was so upset that I did not know what to do. It’s a good thing that I didn’t slip up and say the wrong thing because that lady wanted to take me away. I thought about it all day and how I didn’t it want to upset my grandma with the bad news either. I decided to wait to tell her when she actually was sitting up in her bed appearing to be happy.

I was glad that Grandma taught me how to cook when I was eleven. Because with her not leaving her bed not even to go to the bathroom. Nasir was left all alone to fend for himself at four and I found myself cooking for him a lot. I started skipping days of school to stay home and make sure that Grandma was okay and that Nasir had something to eat.

My grades dropped greatly from B’s to D’s and F’s. On January 5, 1998, Nasir turned five and Grandma was feeling a little better. She actually made it out of the bed and down

the steps for the first time since October. She had a bucket in her bedroom for her waste, which had to be cleaned like a potty everyday.

She helped Nasir celebrate his birthday and was just in high spirits that day. She scheduled a doctor’s appointment for a check up and then went back to her drained energy felling of not leaving her bed. On January 19th she went to the doctor and when I came home from school I went upstairs and started my homework. After about an hour Grandma called me downstairs and said to me.

“Have a seat. I’ve got some interesting news for you and please don’t take it the wrong way!”

I watched the sweat pour off of her head and I watched her light up six cigarettes to start smoking taking one or two puffs then placing them in the ashtray to burn up. She was shaking like she had Parkinson’s disease. So I knew that the news wasn’t good.

“How was your trip to the doctor?” I decided to ask.

“About that… I found out that I have stomach cancer. I have a tumor growing in my stomach that is about an inch and a half, but the good news is that the overload of Vitamin C stopped it from spreading!” she told me with a forced smile.

I couldn’t speak! I couldn’t think of anything to say or do. I stood up and gave her a hug as tears streamed down my cheeks and hers too. I never seen her cry in my whole entire life so, I was scared. We shared a long moment of silence before she decided to speak again.

“On February 6th I have to go to the hospital to have it removed and the operation should take about three days. Don’t worry I’ll be back home for your birthday though and we will have a big cake and celebrate big time. I’ve already arranged for you to stay with you grandparents and for Nasir to stay with another family member.” said Grandma.

For the next three weeks I couldn’t focus in class I didn’t want to tell anyone what was wrong and I just didn’t want to think about possibly losing my grandma. She was always there for me every since the day I was born. The doctor took me out and placed me in my grandmother’s arms before anyone else’s. There was a special bond between us that no one could ever replace. On February 4th it was time for us to part our separate ways. I didn’t want to leave, but it was the only day that my granddad could come get me. We rode to Virginia in silence and he tried to cheer me up, but it didn’t work. I was surprised myself because over the course of my childhood my granddad was my favorite male figure even when he yelled. I called my grandma as soon as we arrived in the house to see if she was okay. She was fine so I decided to stop worrying so much.

The next evening I called her and she asked me if I wanted to come back home for the night because she had never been so alone before. I agreed and then proceeded to get someone to me over there. My granddad was into a basketball game. My grandma was going to choir practice with her sisters. My great-grandma wasn’t feeling well. My uncle who lived up the hill, but he brought up a good point. Who would bring me back for school in the morning? I returned back to the house disappointed and I never got the chance to call Grandma back to tell her I couldn’t come. I couldn’t ask her to drive and get me either. I felt horrible!

I went to sleep saying a prayer to make everything okay and asking to heal her of her sicknesses. I went to sleep scared about everything to on the next day. When I went school I was a wreck I couldn’t focus or do anything and Trina approached me asking what was wrong. I told her that my grandma wasn’t feeling well and I was a little worried

about her. Do you know that from those words her mother ended up going up to the hospital pretending to be the daughter of my grandma? She told those hospital people that that my grandma had no other relatives and not to allow anyone to visit her under no circumstances!

When I called the hospital on the ninth they wouldn’t let me speak to Grandma.

Now you know that I wasn’t trying to hear that! So on February 13th still no word she was supposed to have been home already! I convinced Grandma to take me to the hospital to my grandma. After clearing up the nonsense that Trina’s mother had created and convincing the hospital that she was crazy they let us in to see her. When I saw her I was saddened to see her connected to the tubes. However her face lit up when she saw me. I went over to hug her and motioned for a pen and paper. She couldn’t speak so I found her some paper and a pen. She scribbled that she wanted a cigarette, a crossword puzzle and a cup of coffee. I smiled and knew that nothing had changed. I told her that I loved her because it was time for us to go, but I promised her that I would see her the next day on my birthday. The doctor explained how they removed the tumor with no problems, but her blood pressure was too low for them to send her home yet. She recovered quickly and had high spirits with the exception of wanting a cigarette and not receiving it. She would be ready on Valentine’s Day to be discharged.

So we returned back to the house with me having the biggest smile I had ever had.

I started packing my clothes and preparing to go back home. I was looking forward to my fourteenth birthday and once it came nothing else mattered to me, but going to the hospital to go get Grandma. I was in extremely high spirits; partially because of my birthday and the rest was all about seeing my grandma and knowing that she was okay.

When we arrived at the hospital my high was halted quickly!

“What happened to my grandma? Why is she connected to all of those tubes?

What happened to her?” I yelled!

“Well over the course of the night she had four heart-attacks and on the last one we broke six of her ribs trying to revive her. The good news is that we saved her! We brought her back! The bad news is that she is in a coma and can not breathe on her own!” said the doctor.

I instantly broke down crying. I fell to my knees with tears.

“Get him out of here! This is not good for him to see!” yelled the doctor to the security guard.

I want to run and hug her, but I was restricted.

“YOU LIAR! YOU SAID SHE WOULD BE OKAY! YOU PROMISED SHE WOULD COME HOME! LIAR!” I screamed.

I was asked to leave and we drove back to the house. All day people kept sending me their condolences and my birthday wasn’t the theme of the day anymore. I started letting myself go and not caring what I looked like anymore. See I was used to looking my best at all times. Anyway almost a week had gone by and it was February 20th. When I came home from school Granddad told me in a joking manner.

“Your mother is coming to get you!”

I didn’t believe him until around seven when we received a phone call and it was my mother calling from Grandma’s apartment.

“Have your things packed I’m coming to get you.” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t like having my children split up like this and I’ll explain the rest later.” she told me.

When we hung up with each other I packed my things and in about ten minutes she was outside waiting for me. She had brought this really tall man with her; nice looking guy and friendly. She introduced him as her boyfriend William. I was just amazed by the height. He was about 6’4, light skin with Asian looking eyes.

Anyway they placed my things in the back of the truck and I waved good-bye.

When we drove off we went to the pizza shop and bought two pizzas for dinner before returning home.

“I am moving you back to New York.” Mom said to break the silence.

“Why? This is Grandma’s time of need and you want to just leave! What happens when she comes home? She’s going to need me! I can’t leave right now! I don’t want to leave right now! I don’t know anybody in Brooklyn! I won’t fit in plus this is the middle of the school year! You told me last summer that I had a year to make up mind; and I’m not sure yet. Please let me stay!” I begged. Deep down inside I did want to go Brooklyn, but just not right then.

“Well, you grandma has lived a long life and maybe it’s time for us to let her go home.” Mom said softly.

“She will be coming home and I need to be right by her side when she gets here!”

I said.

“Your grandma is seventy-one years old. She has had all of these major operations over these last three years and passed away four times! How can anyone be so selfish to allow her to continue to suffer? I mean she left and was gone on her way to see the lord and we brought her back! We snatched her out of heaven four times to bring her back here and she can’t even breathe on her own! If she does come out of her coma she will probably be a vegetable for the rest of her life! When I was at home before I had seen her I thought and felt the same thing that you do! That changed once I saw her! I mean you got to spend fourteen years with her in your lifetime! If I saw four good years with her I was doing good! I thought that without her I wouldn’t make it, but I am thirtytwo now and just maybe with the lord on my side I’ll be fine! I don’t think your grandma will be come back home! I don’t mean that in a bad way so please don’t take it that way!”

Mom said softly.

Tears streamed down my face as I zoned out from everything around me. I reminisced on all the things that Grandma and I shared of the years. I even remembered things I didn’t think I would like her changing my diaper and telling me that she loved me. After being in the zone for hours it was dark and almost time for bed. I couldn’t sleep really and I tried to imagine what things might be like without her being here. I finally dropped off to sleep and before I knew it the sun was coming up and it was time for school.

That day I went to school and got myself into trouble by putting mustard packets into the hand dryer in the boy’s bathroom. It was a dare that backfired and caused the plastic to melt and catch on fire. The dryer started shooting out flaming mustard and huge electrical sparks started coming out of the dryer before the whole thing burst into flames.

The other boys with me started to panic! I however just walked calmly to my class and acted like nothing had happened. When I was called to the office I denied the whole thing and left my friends there take the fall. It didn’t work at first because he took

me to his office and showed me the tape. I had forgot that we had cameras around the school. I lied so long and so much that I had convinced the principal that I was just going to use the bathroom when I walked in on the act in question. We all ran because the dryer exploded and caught on fire. I didn’t want to be trapped in there like this other boy who was. He then asked me why I didn’t tell anyone what I had witnessed. I told him that if I had told on them they would have jumped me.

So he just decided to suspend all of us for a week, but I knew that I was sent to school that to receive my transcripts. I didn’t say anything to my principal about moving though. I returned to my class and waited until sixth period and went to collect my transcripts. The principal heard my voice and came to the front to see why I was there.

When he saw all of my papers he asked me what I was doing; saying that I couldn’t discharge myself from school and just transfer to another. He was upset because I didn’t tell him that it was my last day of school. He wouldn’t get to enforce his punishment.

“You do know that I have the phone numbers to every school in Tazewell County, Mercer County, Bland County, and McDowell County. No Matter what school you transfer to I will transfer your punishment as well. So which of the surrounding county schools are you transferring to?” he asked.

“Kings County!” I said with a big smile.

“Kings County! Where in the hell is that Virginia or West?” he asked me.

“New York.” I told him.

“Damn it boy! You got me, but if you do stay your punishment will be doubled and you will serve a ten-day suspension! Do you understand?” he asked me.

“Yes sir.” I said with another smile.

“Wipe that smile off of your face!” he yelled.

“Yes sir.” I said.

When I arrived home that day I decided to just leave the days events under my shoe. I was surprised that my mom didn’t find out. All day before I begged to stay in Bluefield and finish out the school year, and now today I begged her to push up our day to move. The next day I didn’t go to school leaving my principal to believe that I had moved already. We moved that evening when the school bus dropped off the kids in the projects we started to pull out.

Chapter 4: Back to Bed-Stuy On the trip, I began to reflect on the whole situation trying to figure out what I was going to do in Brooklyn. When we got on the highway I started to get to know William more and he seemed like a nice person. He told me that he lived in Fort Greene on the corner of Carlton Avenue and Lafayette Avenues. We talked so long that I had forgot all about the reason I was upset in the first place. When I looked up, we were in Delaware at a rest stop. I learned that William didn’t have a driver’s license and had just driven us over three states. I was partially scared, but my mom said that the Jamaican guy who came with the truck almost got them killed on the way down here. So William took over and for him to not have a license he did a very good job. When we got to New Jersey the sun was coming up so the other guy took over so William could sleep. William and my mom went to the back of the truck to lay down on my mattress. They had arranged the truck like a bedroom.

When we arrived at our toll he pulled into the wrong lane and then cut off three lanes to get on the exit for the Holland Tunnel. In the Tunnel, he nodded off and merged into the railing along the wall, which jolted my mom up screaming. He jumped up and pulled the truck back into the center of the lane. He apologized and we continued our trip into Manhattan through Chinatown. Once on the Manhattan Bridge he lost control of the truck and ran into the side of an eighteen-wheeler, but he quickly regained control. The big rig had bent the passenger side mirror and pinned in against my window.

Mom looked like she wanted to pass out. When we arrived in Brooklyn he turned off and flew up Myrtle Avenue. I think we made almost every light from downtown to Franklin Avenue. We made a right on Nostrand Avenue and another right on Monroe Street. When we pulled up in front of the house my mom hurried up and jumped out of that truck and went upstairs to get some Advil.

We unpacked the truck and by the time that we finished it was dark and they went to return the truck. When they returned, we talked about everything under the sun. I learned that my mom work for the MTA and it was cool. She worked nights and her days off were Friday-Saturday. She worked from ten at night until six in the morning. We later talked about where I would be going to school. My zoned school was I.S. 258, but mom said that the school was not a good school for me to attend.

Over time we still hadn’t found a good school I was getting used to being home and watching TV religiously to catch certain shows like Grandma would watch the stories. Speaking of Grandma, it was March 17th and we hadn’t heard any news about her condition. Almost a whole month had passed since we left Bluefield. I wondered how she was doing, but it was almost time for Mom to go to work so I turned the TV off and went to clean up the kitchen. When I finished I woke her up so she could get ready for work.

She took Nasir and I by the hand and we prayed before she kissed both of us goodnight and went to work.

I turned the TV back on to watch the news and my other shows; played with Nasir a little before he went to sleep followed by me. About 2:15 I was woke up by hearing strong cracks of lightning. I jumped up and went to bathroom and when I returned I heard someone trying to enter our apartment, so I went to the kitchen to get a knife and hide behind the computer. I thought to myself that whoever enters my apartment was going to lose a hand. It ended up being my mom. I was glad that I didn’t bum rush the door with

my knife. She entered and went directly to the bathroom and began to watch her face. I found it quite odd for her to be there at that time so she called me into the bathroom.

“Sit down on the edge off the tub I’ve got something to tell you.” She said softly.

“Grandma died didn’t she?” I said.

Mom didn’t answer me she just turned and stared out the window. I didn’t know what to say so we just sat there in silence for a moment.

“Jonathan called me from the hospital while I was at work and told me that Mommy had a stroke.” Mom said quietly.

I didn’t say a word I just kind of blanked out for a few moments and remembered all of the times I had stressed her or mad her angry. I thought about all the lies I told and being bad in general. I remembered all of the comments of aggravation under my breath when I was upset over not getting my way. I couldn’t help it I had to cry. Deep in the back of my mind I thought that she was going to recover from all of that nonsense and come home. I finally returned to back reality and hugged my mother. Even in that time of tragedy she still was strong enough to comfort me without losing her composure. I returned to my bed and attempted to sleep, but I started having the worst dreams.

Later that day when I woke up, I heard Mom on the phone making funeral arrangements with the family. I prepared some breakfast and tried to forget about my problems. I just really had a lazy day. I felt so alone. There was absolutely no one to speak to because everyone I knew lived in Virginia or West. Plus, everyone I knew was in school so even if I wanted to call someone I couldn’t!

Mom was extremely upset by now; because the funeral came around the same time she was scheduled to take a paid promotional exam. Once you pay for a promotional exam there is no money back if something comes up! Not everyone can afford to basically throw away forty to fifty dollars on a test they never had a chance to take. Well for the moment she did some creative juggling with the bill money to buy three bus tickets for our trip. We packed our clothes and trekked up to Port Authority for our bus trip.

It was about eight thirty and our bus was scheduled to leave about five after nine.

We stepped onto the bus and took our seats and I dropped off to sleep. We arrived in Washington D.C. at about a quarter to three and transferred busses before continuing our trip. We arrived in Bluefield approaching noontime. Jonathan was there to pick us up and he drove us to his house. I hugged my family members, but I wasn’t exactly that much excited to see them. It had nothing to do with them. It was Bluefield in general. I didn’t expect to be back so soon and especially for my grandma’s funeral.

We pretty much wasted the day away and prepared for the funeral the following day. The next morning we all woke up and bathed and prepared to go to the church.

When we arrived they were already viewing the body. I just froze in disbelief. I didn’t even want to see her so I took my seat and tried to focus on the happier days I had shared with her. During a brief observation of the small church/funeral home I noticed my other grandmother, my aunts, uncles, and a few church members. Nasir and I were the only ones there under eighteen.

Almost the whole service had gone by and I hadn’t shed a tear. I felt I was doing well. That stopped when my grandma’s brother Curtis appeared by my side and hugged me with tears in his eyes. At that point I looked around again and noticed everyone had shed some tears except me. Everyone also had viewed my grandma’s body.

Curtis took my hand and motioned for me to walk up to see her before they closed the casket. We slowly made it up to the front of the church to see her. I paused in front of her cream casket and just stared in amazement. She laid there on a peach colored pillow in a white blouse trimmed in gold lining. She looked as if she were in a peaceful sleep without a pain or care in the world. Curtis smiled at me and said.

“Doesn’t she look so peaceful?”

I nodded quietly as he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. I thought to myself; damn it, she is gone as the tears started to fall. I still didn’t want to believe it. I gained the courage to touch her and she felt very hard. I leaned down to hug her and I told her I loved her. I paused for a moment waiting to see if she would say she loved me too, but of course she didn’t. When I returned to my seat they closed the casket and grandma’s sister let out a great cry. The church started crying and I realized that I had hugged my grandma for the last time. At that moment I could have went with her.

Nothing else mattered to me and I felt like I had nothing to live for. I felt as if she took a piece of my soul with her.

We all drove to the gravesite and I didn’t stay to watch them lower her into the ground I couldn’t take it. I returned to the car and started talking to Jonathan to calm my nerves; he couldn’t take it either. When it was all over we drove to back to the house and ate dinner. At the table everyone shared their memories and stories of Grandma good and bad. We went to sleep early because we had to be at the bus terminal early the next morning.

We arrived at the terminal at six something and our bus finally arrived at a quarter to eight. We hugged Jonathan before entering the bus and he said he call us later. The bus took all day and we finally arrived at Port Authority approaching midnight. With it already being late and the A-train running local we arrived at Franklin Avenue close to one. I was happy to be back at home.

About two weeks had passed since Grandma’s funeral and my mom had her friend get me into a good junior high school; I.S. 285. It was in East Flatbush on Ralph Avenue and Beverly Road. I had to use the lady’s address to attend the school and everything was to be kept a secret. I started school on April 1, 1998 and I was scared to death. I didn’t know anyone and everyone talked different from me.

Things weren’t so bad though I had the girls flocking to me and my southern accent. The girls loved me and wanted me to talk a lot and boys hated me because all of the girls liked me. I ran into some familiar faces at lunchtime; Jonelle, Monique, Lee, and Mike. I instantly hugged Jonelle and we decided to get caught up on everything that we had missed on since we last saw each other. She looked slightly chubbier, but fine as hell!

We talked in the gym after lunch was over and she kind of seemed secretive. I overlooked it and still was excited to see her. She told me that she lived in Ridgewood now on Linden Street between Wyckoff and Myrtle Avenues. I told her that I came back to Bed-Stuy, but I lived on Monroe Street this time two blocks away from where we lived.

Anyway I met these two girls that were her best friends named Charlene and Tionne. Tionne was Haitian and very nice, her friend Charlene however was not nice at all. In fact I could not stand her. She was Guyanese though and cute, but was evil and it just so happened that we had every class together. I first thought she was following me everywhere. So I was quickly growing annoyed by the sight of her face. She used to tease

me because none of clothes were name bran and hers were. My mom couldn’t afford to buy me any new clothes so my clothes were old and out style at least to New York kids. I also met their best friend Lisa, I found myself falling for her.

By the end of the day I believe I had the phone number of every girl in the eighth grade. I went home and before I walked in the door good the phone was ringing and I had already missed eleven calls. My mom told me the names of all of the girls that had called and left me a list of there numbers. I returned a few calls and then by the time I was done it was time for bed. The next morning I trekked out to my school, which was an hour and fifteen minutes away. I was greeted in the gym by some of the girls and Tionne. Out of all of them I liked her the most because she was the nicest and didn’t seem ho-ish.

After a month Charlene stopped picking on me and actually turned out to be a nice person. I remember it was a Friday, May 1st and Charlene and I exchanged phone numbers and decided to be friends. When the day was over I returned home and wondered would Charlene ever call me and if we really would be friends or was it all a bunch of lies? I tossed her number in my notebook and tossed that into my book bag. I thought nothing else about her until Saturday night in my sleep. I dreamed that we were older and had gotten married. I jumped up from my dream to realize that it was almost Sunday afternoon.

I brushed the thought out of my mind and then I stopped to think what if we were to get married. I found her number and hovered over the phone pondering whether I should give it a call or not. The ringing of the phone interrupted my thought. I answered.

“Hello.”

“Hi, I don’t know if you remember me, but this is Charlene from school.” she said.

“I remember you, too much.” I said.

“I’m going to over look that comment because I’m in a good mood today, but I’m also scared about something I have to tell you.” she said.

“Don’t be scared. You know I had the craziest dream about you last night.” I said.

“That’s funny because I had a dream about you myself.” she answered.

“I dreamed that you and I had…” I started.

“Got married!” she finished.

“Yeah! Crazy dream right?” I responded.

“Yeah! Real crazy!” she replied.

“We could never get married because we don’t like each other in that way!” I said.

“I know! I think you’re a nice person and all, but I don’t know… part of me thinks that you don’t like Me.” she told me.

“No! That’s not true, I like you a lot, but you were always the one who never liked me!” I answered.

“No! I didn’t like your pink shirt and tight faded pants! You actually seemed kind of cute with your little country accent.” she said with a chuckle.

“Wait a minute, my shirt is not pink! It is orange and you don’t always look the best yourself you know, with those huge ridiculous doo doo plats in your head!” I said with chuckle.

“Oh, hell no! You little bum, you got a lot of nerve talking about somebody’s head with those buck shots on your head!” she screamed.

“Will you go out with me?” I finally asked.

“I’d love to!” she answered all out of breath like we had just a real fight.

It really took me a while to build up my confidence to ask her out, but it was worth it. By doing that I created the strongest friendship I ever had in my life. We are still best friends to this day. Not to stray too far, I’m bringing it back. Charlene was breathless after that so we just decided to speak to each other Monday in class. I hung up the phone excited to have a girlfriend. I just kind of floated through the day.

The next day before I even walked in the door good my usual following was on me, but Tionne must have smelled it out.

“Oh my God! What did you do?” she asked me.

“Nothing, why?” I asked confused.

“Boy don’t be stupid! You have a girl friend! One of these little hungry ho’s has scooped you up and before first period is over I will find her!” she announced.

I thought to myself; damn she’s good! No one else suspected a thing. Then again Charlene and Tionne were best friends, so I thought that Charlene called her and told it.

Sure enough Tionne found out. During our first period class we received a knock at the door. When the teacher opened the door it was Tionne with some message from another teacher. While she was there she started smelling the air and slowly made her way to Charlene. She smelled her hair and looked me dead in the eye and whispered.

“I found the ho!”

“Excuse me!” Charlene said surprised.

“Oh, don’t give me that young lady; we are going to talk later! How long did you think you could keep it from me?” Tionne said as she left our class.

“Damn! I’m going to hear about this at lunch I know it!” Charlene said to me.

“Damn, she good!” I answered.

Hell, it was the only thing I could think to say. At lunchtime the whole school knew. People I didn’t even know approached me with questions about why her. When the day was over we entered the B-8 bus and it was like entering a talk show. By the time we reached Schenectady Avenue she left and the majority of the kids were gone too. I exited at New York Avenue to catch the B-44 bus to go back to Bed-Stuy. As soon as I got home she called me and we talked for hours to get me caught up on everything.

A few weeks had got by and I started making a few friends. I met this one kid named Bobby and he personally taught me everything I needed to know about our school.

Who to be friends with and who to stay away from, you know things of that nature. This one Wednesday during lunch we were in the schoolyard. The kids from Tilden High School next door drove by our school real slow and this girl jumping rope yelled.

“DRIVE BY!” As soon as she screamed the shots were fired and we all hit the ground. No one was hit, but for about a week we had to stay in the gym during lunch. Shortly after that Bobby got in a fight at lunch with some other guys and ended up getting stabbed. His wound was from his wrist down to the bend of his arm. Blood gushed out his arm as he laid there crying. The security guards came to the scene and just looked at Bobby.

“Boy you been runnin’ yo’ mouth again haven’t you? I told you about messin’ with those kids! Now get yo’ dumb ass up and stop bleeding on my floor!” said the guard.

They escorted Bobby the office and called the ambulance for him. After that day Bobby transferred to a school in Canarsie and I made damn sure that I made friends with everybody that I could. The only person who didn’t like me was a boy named Peter. He liked Charlene and I got her first I guess. We had third period together and he always tried to make me hit him so we could fight. I’m glad I never fell for it though.

One day after school a fight broke out on the bus and we were trapped! This fat kid was attacking this short guy and as you know, running your mouth is a dangerous thing to do! The B-8 had just turned onto Kings Highway and the fat kid had beaten the short guy bloody! We had just passed Clarendon Road when the fat kid opened the back window and threw the guy out head first into the Kings Highway traffic! We all watched in horror as his head hit the ground! Car and trucks swerved to avoid hitting him as he laid there in his puddle of blood! When we turned onto Avenue D, all of the kids in the back of the bus were silent until Utica Avenue when he got off.

I learned to never run your mouth to these New York kids because they’re crazy!

The end of May had finally arrived and Charlene and I were having problems. We were seeing too much of each other and our relationship felt as if it were for show. In a since we were getting bored with each other. We both decided to end it, but that lasted for about a week. By June 7th we were back together. Everyone at school was starting to question why we had dated for all of May and we were still virgins.

On Wednesday June 9th Charlene finally invited me over to her house to meet her family. She lived with her grandparents and her cousins. Charlene’s grandparents were away on a cruise in Europe; her aunt that was normally there was at a school function with the younger ones. We were left in charge of her youngest cousins. They were very easy to handle, so we popped in a cartoon movie and they fell asleep on the carpet. We proceeded into the backyard and sat on the bench talking. I sat upright as she lay in my arms with me caressing her hair. We talked about our future relationship and how I wanted kids and she didn’t. So we started to have a slight argument, but extinguished the heat before it grew into a flaming mess.

She took me by the hand as we entered the house into the laundry room. She hopped up onto the sink and began to kiss me. It was so beyond amazing! Her breath was sweet and the taste of her tongue was soft making me forget everything around her. We slowly moved into the kitchen and cleared off the table with the swipe of an arm as she lay down without removing her lips from mine. We heard the boy wake up so we stopped and quickly pretended to clean the kitchen as he fell back asleep. We then entered the basement and locked the door from the inside.

“Please excuse my basement I haven’t put the laundry away yet.” Charlene said.

“Girl! I am not here to see you basement!” I said.

“Well I have to find a place for us to lay down.” she said in a real sexy voice.

My insides just turn to mush. Because I knew what we needed to lie down for!

She found an old mattress and pushed it onto the floor. When she laid on it she slowly began to remove her pants; mine just dropped to floor as my boxers protruded from my erection! She just giggled at my eagerness. I tried to calm down and act is if I knew what I was doing. I laid next to her and began to hug her. She kissed me again as her hand slowly moved to my boxers where she removed them. She pulled her panties to the side and placed me next to her. I felt her warmth and slight throbbing pulse like a heartbeat.

We both looked deep into each other’s eyes and told each other we loved one another. I

slowly began to push into her warm pulsating body, but she felt a slight pain so I stopped before we really even got started. I began to kiss her neck and slowly move down to her breast; first the left one then the right one. I moved down to her bellybutton and stopped by laying my head on the side of her thigh. I thought for a moment; should I attempt to try oral sex like I had heard some of the guys at lunch talk about. She smelled so sweet like watermelons and kiwi. My mouth began to water and just as I was about to try it we heard her aunt enter the front door upstairs and we panicked. I quickly searched for my shorts when we heard her aunt calling her so I put my clothes on. She opened the basement backdoor and I eased into the backyard. I prayed that she found her pants and escaped that situation before she was caught!

I eased around the side of the house and rang the bell like I was just coming over because I left my book bag and MetroCard. She invited me in and slid me my things when her aunt wasn’t looking. Then I realized that it was eight-fifteen and I was supposed to be home by nine so I could wake my mother for work. I raced to Utica Avenue praying that I could catch the B-46 and make it home in time.

As you know whenever someone is in a hurry things never work out for you. I missed the bus and the next one came twenty minutes later. When I entered my bus I did everything but pull out a gun and place it to the drivers head to make him drive faster! I lied and said that my grandma was dying so we skipped some stops in order to get me back to Bed-Stuy faster! When I got Fulton Street, I jumped off the bus and decided to take the A-train to Nostrand Avenue in hopes of catching her before she entered the train; it was already twenty minutes after nine!

While I waited for my train I used the payphone to try calling and leaving a message. I didn’t get an answer so I knew that I was in trouble when she did see me. So, when I went home I called Charlene and we talked some more. Nasir hyped up my fear by saying that Mom was really mad when she left. I figured hey it was worth it. The next morning when she came home she woke me up very early and kicked my ass! I swear there is nothing like getting a beaten before school!

With the end of school approaching quickly everyone was excited about eighth grade graduation. The dean called my mom and questioned her on why I wouldn’t participate in the ceremony. Mom figured it didn’t make any since for her to pay sixtyfive dollars for me to be part of something that I didn’t belong in. I only attended that school for two months and I didn’t have a report card or anything. I didn’t take any of the state tests that the other kids did and she felt that I just wasn’t part of it all.

Monday June 28, 1998, was the last day of school and I only went to pick up my report card. When I got to the school I found out that I had none. I wasn’t registered in the school and there was no record of me attending a New York City school. I didn’t sweat it though. I knew that school started on September 8th and that’s all I worried about.

In July, Charlene and I kind of drifted from each other. We didn’t call each other to say anything and no one announced a break up so we just were kind of on hold. I became busy with my family and I imagined that she had done the same. I knew that she was alright though so I wasn’t worried too much.

Over the summer I shot up and out grew everything I owned. I went from being four foot ten to being six foot tall and my foot grew four sizes to a size thirteen. So, my mom took me to the mall to buy school clothes and she had to place them on layaway.

When I got home I called my dad to see if he could send me the money to get them out.

The conversation started off well until I told him that I needed four hundred dollars. He got pissed off and started saying how he thought my mom put me up to it.

I didn’t understand what went wrong; I mean he said if I ever needed anything ask him. Once I realized that he was full of it, I told my mom what happened she did some creative juggling with the bill money to retrieve my clothes from layaway. She also had to buy Nasir new clothes to start Kindergarten because he had out grown all of his clothes too. We struggled over the summer, but she made a way by the grace of God. When September 8th came I was excited to start high school, but because I never received a last report card I had no idea where to go. I traveled out my old middle school to speak with the dean and he told me that I had been sent to Tilden High School.

Apparently those who don’t get accepted into the high school of their choice get tossed into the zone school.

Anyway I returned home to tell my mom what had happened. So on Wednesday after she got off from work she skipped her morning nap to come out to Tilden with me.

When we arrived we had to enter the school through metal detectors. That set off the first set of alarms in her head. Second there were no security guards; this school had armed NYPD officers patrolling the school. Finally most of the students were in their twenties still in the ninth grade. That did it for Tilden High School!

Over the course of the week she tried to get in touch with my new zone school Boys and Girls High, but they were over crowded. When the following Monday came Mom went directly to Boys and Girls High School from work to stand on line. After three days at four hours a day of standing on line we finally reached the front desk. She told us that Boys and Girls was built for three thousand students and there were seven thousand students enrolled. She said to wait until Monday and go to Clara Barton High School because they had space.

By now it was September 21st and we kept getting the run around. When we arrived at Clara Barton High School they had no space either. We were told that Global Studies High School had space. We called and arranged an appointment for Monday September 28th. I decided to call Charlene on the twenty-seventh to wish her a happy birthday and see how she was doing.

“Hello, can I speak to Charlene?” I asked.

“This is her, boy where have you been?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, but I was busy with my family and all. Anyway Happy Birthday!” I said.

“Thank you. I was almost ready to believe that you had forgotten about me.”

Charlene told me.

“Me! No! Never! I could never forget about my girl!” I said.

“You better not!” she said.

“So what school do you go to now?” I asked “Erasmus Hall High School!” she announced proudly.

“Oh, you mean the school of hopes and dreams for young black children!” I said sarcastically.

“Funny, so what school do you go to?” she asked.

“Well, Global Studies I hope. I have an appointment tomorrow.” I replied.

“Well, good luck. Hey you know that Tionne got accepted into Midwood, Lisa goes to a school downtown and I believe that Jonelle goes to South Shore, but I’m not sure.” she added.

“I will call them later and maybe we can all get together one day, but I have to go.

I will talk to you later. I love you.” I said. I had to make sure that she knew.

“I love you too and thank you.” she answered.

We ended the call and I continued my day. The next day I went to my appointment and the appointment went well until he noticed that my grades had taken a nosedive in the eighth grade. We explained the situation with Grandma and the councilor understood my grades, so I became enrolled in school for the next day.

I was finally in a school, but the bad thing was I had missed the whole month of September. When I finally started I was extremely behind so I was forever playing catch up. I felt all alone and weird; you know being the new kid and all. I quickly found friends at lunchtime when I discovered that Jonelle and her family were in my school.

“What’s up Jonelle? I swear that you’re following me!” I asked.

“Naw son, schools are too crowded nowadays! We chose this school because it’s small and not far from home.” Jonelle replied.

“Tell me, since you’ve been here longer, what is it I need to know about these people?” I asked.

“Don’t worry! Tomorrow I will introduce you to all of the important people that you need to know. Remember popularity is vital now that we are in high school! We have to make a name for ourselves with us being freshmen and all. We are already hated so image is everything right now!” she assured me.

“Well lunch is over so I guess that I will see you tomorrow.” I said.

“Yeah, but before you leave make sure that you talk to DeAun, and C. they’ll have helpful tips too.” she told me.

I knew that DeAun, and C. would know some stuff, because they were sophomores. So I met up with them and I learned the ropes. After about a week I knew a great deal of the juniors and sophomores before I even knew anyone in my class. I made a lot of friends and I mostly stayed to myself. I never tried to be better than anyone even if they were known to be less than the others.

After October had passed my classmates learned that I was a cool person and wanted to be part of my inner circle. It started with this Jamaican boy Paul because during that time everyone was into this popular Japanese cartoon and matching game for game boy. I later discovered that Paul was one of Jonelle’s best friends. I thought to myself; damn she knows everyone in here. I remembered him from Quincy Street, but I couldn’t place him. I also spotted another familiar face, but couldn’t place her either. I spoke to her to try to get to know her.

“Hey what’s up? You look familiar!” I asked.

“Is this your opening line to meet girls?” she asked sarcastically.

“No you look like someone I’ve seen before! By any chance did you ever live on Quincy Street before?” I asked.

“Quincy Street in Bed-Stuy?” she asked.

“Yeah, between Nostrand and Marcy Avenues!” I answered.

“No, we live on Gates Avenue between Nostrand an Marcy Avenues. My building overlooks Quincy Street.” she stated.

“477?” I asked.

“Yeah, how did you know?” she asked me.

“That was my Aunt’s building!” I said.

Well I told her my name and she told me that her name was Rozanda. So we continued to chat and Jose’s name came up and he was the next person I went looking for. To my surprise I learned that he lived in the Dominican Republic, but I would have loved to see him again.

Thanksgiving was had arrived and my aunt from around the corner invited us to dinner. The dinner was nice, but my mother had to work that night so it was cut short.

The holiday season period was boring to me. Mom worked every holiday and on top of it her job schedule changed. Her days off changed from Friday-Saturday to SundayMonday. This changed my social life drastically! I had to start coming straight home from school! I had to be in the house before she went to sleep at four thirty in the afternoon! A four thirty curfew Tuesday through Saturday; I couldn’t handle it!

I quickly became Nasir’s personal baby-sitter. Everywhere I went he had to go as if I were a teenage parent or something! I quickly started to dislike him. I don’t know if Mom was trying to teach me about the seriousness of becoming a teenage parent, but it worked! I quickly grew to hate children under the age of thirteen! I had the hardest time explaining to my friends that I was about to be fifteen in a week and I had to be in the house at four thirty in the afternoon! I had to turndown invites to parties, movies, sleepovers, and fun activities in general; unless it happened on a Sunday or a Monday! I mean what could my friends and I possibly do on a Monday; the biggest homework day in the week!

I also had a girlfriend that I never had time to see! Most of the time calling just wasn’t enough; I wanted to feel the warmth of one of her hugs! I wanted to hear the words “I love you” in person. I don’t know about you, but I want to see the emotion and feeling in her eyes! I want to know that I’m really loved instead of just using those words to end a sentence!

There was only one solution that made since in my head; as long as my homework was complete and Nasir was warmly dressed I could take him with me anywhere I went. Now that I look back on the whole situation; I don’t think that it was the smartest decision. What I did at fifteen with Nasir being six helped greatly to form his life now! I do regret that!

Getting back, I remember that it was a regular thing for everyone to meet in Flatbush at Paul’s house to play games on his system. It was just our daily thing to do; besides Nasir used to like taking trips with me. He hated to be left in the house so I thought that it would be a great way for us bond. He was a good boy so I didn’t have a problem taking him anywhere; plus I didn’t have a choice, so… he came with me.

I tried to see Charlene once a week and Nasir loved her house, because some of her cousins were around his age. I went to see Jonelle every now and then, but when I went to her house Nasir did not come with me. I didn’t think her neighborhood was safe enough for us to be traveling from after dark. Where ever we went I had to make sure that we were in the house before nine, when my mother woke up. Every night at nine when she walked to the bathroom Nasir and I were on the couch watching TV. Sometimes I had to hide the dirty dishes in the oven until she would leave. The kitchen was supposed to be cleaned before she woke up, but most days I didn’t have time, so I faked it. I would

clean only the things she could see in the dimly lit kitchen. If the nightlight didn’t shine on it she didn’t inspect it.

Nasir was growing accustom to going on a little trip everyday, even when my friends weren’t home. So to ease his curiosity, we started by taking the trains. Everyday we had to take a different one. On the first Tuesday in March we rode the A-train to all four last stops, and he especially loved the outside. He would look out that front window like he was driving the train. On Wednesday we rode the E-train, Thursday the F-train, and on Friday we rode the G-train.

Saturday’s I would walk him to Prospect Park and let him play at a different playground, because he didn’t like to see the same place twice. Nasir and I had an agreement that as long as Mom never asked about where we went we weren’t going to tell her. The fact that Mom didn’t know that we were leaving help us a lot. The next week you know we had to explore new trains. On the second Tuesday we rode the R-train, Wednesday the B-train, Thursday the D-train, and Friday the N-train.

On the third Tuesday we rode the C-train, Wednesday the J/Z-trains, Thursday the L-train, and Friday the M-train. On that last Tuesday we rode Q-train, Wednesday the 1/9-trains, Thursday the 3-train, and Friday the 7-train. When the first Tuesday in April came we rode the 2-train, Wednesday the 4-train, Thursday the 5-train, and Friday the 6train. By that second week we had ridden every train in N.Y.C. so we were out of subway trains to ride. We had to graduate to something else so we started sneaking on the Long Island Rail Road. He loved those trains because they were high speed and they took us out of the city.

One day we got caught by the conductor and thrown off of the train. He called the police, but we ran. I had no idea where to go to, but I knew that we weren’t far from Far Rockaway. I just had to make it from Nassau back to Queens and once we figured out how to do so we would be all right. Nasir and I had run along some road until we reached a highway. I started to worry because the sun was setting and I was afraid that it would be harder to find the city in the dark. We later walked back to that train station and stepped onto the next train that arrived. Nasir was getting hungry and his curiosity for exploring was fading. We slipped into a bathroom and hid in there until we arrived in Far Rockaway. Once we got of the train I asked a woman passing by how to get to the Atrain. Once she directed us and I found the station the new challenge was making it back home before nine.

When we arrived back to Bed-Stuy and walked in the house it was eight fiftyeight. I thanked God for us returning safely and we pretended that nothing happened when Mom woke up. We decided to switch to N.Y.C. buses, but over time we rode every bus in all five boroughs. After we went through the buses we graduated to the New Jersey PATH trains and decided to explore Newark, Jersey City and Hoboken.

Once we finished with all of the N.Y.C. and New Jersey transit it was the end of the school year. My brother couldn’t spell correctly, but he knew the entire New York and New Jersey transit system. Anyway I ended up getting a new job at a grocery store downtown and didn’t have time to take him anywhere. Mom was home during the day to spend time with him so he had no excuse to be bored. Not to mention that Aunt Dana had moved back to Bed-Stuy from North Carolina and had her kids with her. During that time, I started to dislike my situation. I felt that I didn’t fit anywhere anymore and I just want to belong to a normal family. I wanted to have friends and be able to hang out with

them. I wanted to trade lives with just about everyone I knew; even those whose lives wasn’t that great. Even if their families were the worst in the world, they still had freedom and the friendship of others. I mean none of my friends smoked, drank, or did drugs, but I had no freedom.

Mom used to always give me the excuse that all of my friends had a parent who worked during the day. Oh, and this one; some of your friends have two parents to watch the other siblings. Last was my favorite excuse. You are the oldest and Nasir is your responsibility. I mean, come on! I didn’t have him, and I shouldn’t be stuck with him everyday. I truly believed that the only reason black parents ever had children was to make them their personal slaves!

About mid June I really hated my life and my family. It started to show too. Mom, Nasir, and William seemed like a family when he would come over and I was out of place. One day my MetroCard ran out in between pay periods and I also needed to eat a lunch during the day. So I knew that my mom had money banks around the house; the thing was getting the courage to ask her to borrow some money. I tried to ask her a money question and her answer let me know that getting any money out her would be impossible.

I thought and tried to figure out a solution on how to get to work the next day plus how to eat! I waited until she went to work and I tried to focus on the news, but I couldn’t concentrate! I paced back and forth! I tried to take my mind off of it by calling up some friends, but surprisingly no one was home! I entered her room to just check on Nasir to make sure he was breathing correctly; he had a serious sinus problem that affected his breathing at night! He was breathing okay and then I tripped over a bank! I sat there and looked at all of the banks and began to tremble! She had about five banks of money in her room. The first bank was an old five-gallon water jug with twenties, fifties, and hundreds! The rest of the banks were old apple juice containers. One was about three hundred and some dollars in quarters alone. One was about a hundred and some dollars in dimes only. She had about twenty dollars in nickels, and about fourteen dollars in pennies.

The purpose of her banks was for the end of year benefits as she called them. She tried to start this tradition that in January she would save a portion of each pay check and put into a bank. At the end of the year she would have enough money to buy something she wanted almost like receiving two tax checks. As you know seized with fear and being slapped with temptation I had fallen head first into it! I took a handful of quarters, counted it and promised myself to replace it before she ever found out!

I forced myself to believe that the whole act wasn’t stealing and that it was for a good cause. When she came home the morning I couldn’t look at her in the eyes! I felt like a real asshole! I didn’t say anything about it though! I thought that I was through, but it quickly turned into a disease! I constantly felt I needed more, so I took! I found myself up to eighty-six dollars and seventy-five cents in quarters, two dollars and thirty cents in dimes, and one dollar and ninety cent in nickels.

It was a Wednesday and I knew that I received a paycheck on Thursday so I planned on replacing it all! However, Mom happened to glance at the bank and suspected it looked low, so she decided to count it! Once she realized that it was short she decided to count all of them and I knew that I was screwed. I was mopping the kitchen floor trying to figure out how to explain it! She screamed, yelled, and cried at the both of us! I

knew that she was seriously hurt, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her so I lied! I blamed it on Nasir, because we both knew that he used to sleepwalk so that’s what I built the foundation of the lie on! I explained how Nasir would sleepwalk and sometimes I would hear the change banks fall over, but never suspected anything because he was asleep! I added that we would find small handfuls of quarters lying around the house and we used to place them in the bowl on the dining room table where the mail was collected! By the time I was done covering my ass, I had Nasir believing that he stole the money and had my Mom believing that she were crazy! I felt bad when Nasir got in trouble and I shed some tears as he took his punishment without remembering anything that had happened! I had that poor child so confused that he confessed to things that he knew nothing about!

I know that it was the worst thing for me to possibly do to him considering he had never done anything wrong to me! I truly hated myself for it, but now the plan was messed up! If I replaced anything by now she would know that I had something to do with it! Over the next few weeks Mom would sit on the couch and stare off into space with hurt and distrust while we were in the room! She didn’t speak to us and we tried not to disturb her or possibly make her feel worse! She banned Nasir from sleeping in her room and started locking her door at night when she left for work! We stopped praying together as a family a night! We were torn!

I fell onto a hard time and became a fiend for the dollar! I found a way around her lock and found her hiding spots and I took another sixty-seven dollars in quarters! When she discovered that and we both denied the act she left! We were on our way to church and she just walked away from us! I had hurt her so much that she left us in the house until about ten minutes to eleven that night!

On July 25, 1999, Paul celebrated his birthday, but he had gone to camp in Boston so I couldn’t hang out with him. I was fired from my job that day and busted for stealing money! I took nine dollars out of my mother’s purse and she walked in on me. By that time I had built up courage to do whatever I wanted to do, whether it hurt anyone else or not! I truly felt like a drug fiend trying to support a habit, but I needed money to travel and eat; that was it! From day one that was all I needed it for! So my mom kicked me out! Wearing whatever I had woken up in, un-brushed teeth, and no deodorant! I was ordered to pick up my last paycheck and bring the whole thing to her. She seized my check and stub to make sure that I wasn’t lying! It was only ninety dollars and forty-one cents, but I felt about giving it up without so much as even buying a piece of gum!

I tried to imagine what went wrong in my life to make me steal from my mother! I also to imagine what being homeless would be like at fifteen. I couldn’t take the idea at first once I had gone to all of my friends and they couldn’t help me! Walking from Paul’s house through Prospect Park with it being about a hundred and five degrees wasn’t helping my odor either! I couldn’t take being alone and not having a piece of paper to write on! She seized my book bag too! I keep my life in there and she knew this!

Anyway while I was walking through the park the wind blew some leaves my direction and in them was five twenty-dollar bills, a ten, a five and a one-dollar bill. I stopped to rub my eyes and it was real! There was one hundred sixteen dollars at my feet, so I did the first thing that popped into my head! I walked to the mall and bought a game boy, Japanese game, batteries and a hero for my hunger! That act kept me from being bored and feeling alone!

Later that night I was on my block sitting on the neighbor’s stoop and Nasir and my mom were coming from the chicken place and passed me without a word! About ten minutes later, Nasir came back to get me and my mom offered me some barbecue wings!

After all that I had done she still forgave me! That made me breakdown! I explained why I stole from her and justified it in my head! When it came down to it, I thought that I had a problem and just needed help for it! She wouldn’t allow me to believe it! One month had gone by and she tested me, by leaving different amounts of money in visible sight.

I’m so glad I didn’t fall for it.

My dad called one day and he spoke to my mom. That wasn’t a good situation because my dad wanted custody of me and my mom wasn’t trying to hear it. School had started again and I tried to start a new. I ended up meeting some new friends, and started pushing school to the side. My math teacher figured that I seemed stressed and not focused so she recommended that I speak to the school social worker. I started having weekly meetings on Wednesday’s during lunch to talk about my problems and try to receive help.

On September 13, 1999, I will never forget that day! It was late in the evening and I was returning home from Charlene’s house. I was on the A-train at Utica Avenue when it happened! I was sitting in a corner playing my game boy and listening to my headphones when this dark-skin man sat next to me. I thought it was a bit odd for him to sit next to me with all of the other seats he could have chosen, but I paid him no attention.

He elbowed me in the side with pressure and broke my concentration by forcing me to get angry with him. I removed my headphones and cut him a look that pierced his soul, I just know it! He stared me directly in the eyes and elbowed me again in the side. I opened my mouth to curse at him and he showed me a knife in his sleeve almost as long as his arm!

Seeing that I closed my mouth and just looked at him!

“Give me your money!” he said in a low voice with a Jamaican accent.

“I don’t have any!” I squeezed out at just above a whisper.

“Don’t give me that! I said hand it over!” he said again.

“I really don’t have anything!” I said.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked me.

I shook my head and he told me.

“I am the baddest, blood clot, rude boy this side of Jamaica! I’ve killed before and I’m not afraid to kill again!”

I froze in fear as I watched my stop go by! Then he said to me.

“You really don’t have any money for me!”

I nodded my head and then he said.

“Then you are coming with me!”

I suddenly stopped breathing and pictured being hacked up in a field somewhere!

He put his hand on my shoulder with the blade at the back of my neck! He forced me up and off of the train at Hoyt-Schermerhorn Street! We crossed over to the Queens bound platform and passed directly in front of the police station. Three officers came out of the police station and were walking our direction to catch the train. He whispered to me.

“If you try it, I will slice your fucking throat right here!”

He must have felt my thoughts to scream for help! What made the situation so bad is that one officer looked our direction and smiled.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

He pressed the knife deeper into my throat and I just through on an extremely fake smile, trying to keep from crying. My heart was racing and the tears just started streaming down my cheeks! I looked deeply into the officers’ eyes praying that he would suspect something, but he didn’t!

“Young man, are you sure that you are okay?” he asked again.

The man spoke up and said.

“He’s all right! He just lost a loved one and it’s hard to handle, but he’ll be all right. I know that he doesn’t want to see the person, because it will just KILL HIM!” I cried harder.

“OH MY GOD! PLEASE NO! I DON’T WANT TO GO!” I cried.

“Everything will all right son. It probably worked out for the better that way. The Lord works in mysterious ways.” said the officer before we parted our separate ways.

On the A-train people seen my crying and this man’s hand on my neck, but no one said a thing! At Broadway Junction he forced me off of the train and up the stairs past another Police Station! No one said a word! We rode the escalator up to the J-train and caught the arriving J-train! When we reached Jamaica we exited the subway station and walked along Archer Avenue to York College! We cut through the college campus and reached Liberty Avenue and Merrick Boulevard! He made me walk up this hillside into an old abandoned tired lot! Once at the top we weaved through tall columns of tires until we reached an extremely dark area! With blade still at neck and gallons of tears streaming down my cheeks he laughed at me!

“Strip!” he said.

One thing ran through my mind! I was going to be raped, murdered and left in the dark all alone!

“Please don’t hurt me! I didn’t do anything to you!” I cried.

“Yes you did. You wasted my time. I tried to rob you and you played me. I wanted a twenty dollar bill.” he said.

“If that’s all you wanted, why don’t you attack someone else and let me go?” I begged.

“Because you wasted my time and you will be punished!” he said as he pulled out a condom with his free hand.

I realized that there was no negotiating at this point! He placed the condom in his mouth and unzipped his pants with the free hand. He pulled out his disgusting looking, oozing, uncircumcised penis, and told me to put it on him! I really wanted to just die at that moment! I had to touch it and I think the thought of that made me cry even harder.

After all of the stalling he sliced a small slice into the left side my neck just under my jaw to let me know that he wasn’t playing! I did what he asked then he made me pull my pants and underwear! I seriously thought about throwing my head to the left and ending my life so I would not have to go through with the act! He pulled out some what appeared to be lip protection stuff and squeezed it on to my rectum! Then with out warning he jammed his self into me and ripped me open like a paper bag. I let out a great scream and it’s a wonder all of Jamaica did not hear me! I felt the blood pouring and running down my thigh with every painful thrust! It seemed like an eternity of torture and excruciating pain before he was done! I could not even breathe properly; let alone feel

anything, but pain/hatred! When he was done he left me there lying in my own puddle of blood!

I could not even bare to move! I had so many mixed feelings about everything! At that moment I hated men especially Jamaican men! I could not understand how someone could bring themselves to do such an act to a child! I was fifteen and already I had lost a piece of my soul!

After lying up on that hill until the majority of the pain stopped I noticed that it was approaching three in morning and I had school! More importantly, how would I even begin to explain it to my mom! I could not seem to focus on which would upset her more!

First explaining why I snuck out of the house! Second explaining why I missed curfew!

Last explaining the end result of the day’s events! I could not seem to understand why God allowed that to happen to me! I later looked over everything that had happened and thanked him for sparing my life, but I was seriously disturbed by it!

I found my way back to the subway and eventually back to Bed-Stuy. It was almost time for the sun to rise and I hadn’t slept at all! I couldn’t focus on sleep or anything else! Should I tell the police or keep silent! I think that I had to bathe myself over repeatedly for about two hours before I attempted to feel slightly clean! I pondered so long about if I was now gay because I was entered by another man! I just wanted to lie down and die!

When my mother arrived home she asked me.

“Oh you think that you’re grown now and that you don’t have to abide by my rules do you?” she said with sternness in her voice.

“That is so far from the truth! I… I… was at Charlene’s house studying and lost track of time! I’m sorry, but I have a test today that I don’t think I’m ready for!” I said as my eyes filled up with tears.

“You must think that I am really dumb! You and Charlene don’t even go to the same schools!” she yelled.

“I really was at Charlene’s house yesterday and…” I started, but broke down without finishing.

“I don’t want to hear it! Now you are on punishment and you will be in my house everyday before three thirty or… or nothing I have spoken! Now get out of my sight!” she screamed.

That woke up Nasir and he even was trembling! I didn’t ask any questions or even try to explain anything! I walked to my room to get ready for school and just praised God that she did not hit me! I was so afraid of that more than anything and she almost never touched, but I just was afraid of the thought! I left for school in silence and was silent for the majority of the day! I could not focus on happiness or anything that I normally did with my friends! I just was extremely distant towards everyone and I struggled with sitting! They picked up on that and formed their own opinions! I didn’t agree or deny to any of them, but I do know that after school I rushed home!

Eventually Mom removed me from house arrest and started to trust me again. I went back to school and my friend Mary started to try to cheer me up. Mary was my only Italian friend so she introduced me to a whole new culture. Cornell was my other friend and Paul introduced us. He transferred from Erasmus and I already knew him from Flatbush. So, he already knew eight people at our school. Anyway, I started dragging in my grades and eventually stopped caring. I started arriving at school in third period just

in time for lunch and after fourth period I left the school. At first it was just me, but later I convinced some of my friends. It usually ended up being Paul, Mary, Cornell, DeAun, C., Jonelle, Monique and I. We would ride the trains back and fourth. That eventually got boring so I went back to being by myself when I cut school. I was stopped by truancy and taken to the police station a couple of times and my guidance counselor vouched for me.

Their rule was that if no family member came to pick you up you sat in that place until five thirty. That way your parents would know something and you couldn’t hide it. My mom found out about those two times, which were about a week from each other and she wasn’t happy.

By the time November had arrived we received report cards and I failed every class except Biology, but I didn’t care. One week had gone by and it was November 10th.

The school started calling my house to arranger a parent-teacher conference. I had missed twenty-three days of school and was late everyday from September 15th. I avoided the school people and erased all of the messages they left. I went to every class and started being on time so maybe they would forget.

Things calmed down for a moment and I went to Flatbush to clear my head. Paul tried to help me and things ended up getting worse. I had loaned my brand new game boy to Cornell and his friend Robert stole it from him. Some friend! When I confronted him about it he lied and I knew that he had it. So that ended in me wanting to fight him and all of us arguing.

The next day was Veteran’s Day and school was closed. I focused on my laundry and cleaning my room, but I was still mad that Robert had my game boy. My mom had made an apple pie and told me to calm down before she went to work. I was cutting the pie and left the knife in the dish balancing on the corner shelf in kitchen. I had just plain forgotten about it. I finished my laundry and folding about ten minutes to three. I remembered that I had school the next day so I went to bed. I ended up bumping into the shelf and the knife fell into my book bag; I always left my book bag in the kitchen leaning against the shelf.

The next morning I woke up late and rushed to the A-train. I found a quiet corner and it felt like I just blinked my eyes. When I opened them I was at 207 Street the last stop on the train. I knew that I was late now and there was nothing I could do about it. I drifted off again and woke up arriving at Broadway Junction. It was eleven ten and I was extremely late! I had already missed lunch and fourth period. I crossed over to go back downtown and a police officer stopped me.

“Young man, where are you going?” she asked.

“To school.” I said.

“I don’t believe you.” she said.

“I don’t care what you believe.” I answered back as I continued walking down the steps.

“You’re coming with me.” she said.

“No I’m not! I don’t know you and I’m already late enough! I don’t need to fool around y’all!” I said.

She practically leaped down a whole flight of stairs and snatched my arm right before I enter the train. I ended up going with her and I had no choice. At the police station they searched my junky book bag and ran it through three metal detectors and searched me too. They found nothing and told me to have a seat until they called my

mom. They woke her up out of her sleep and she was pissed off! She gave them permission to release me and by that time it was just after two so school was over. My school let out at one forty-five Mondays through Thursdays and one fifteen on Fridays.

They drove us back to the subway and let us in for free! I was walking up the stairs to catch the J-train tripped and dropped my bag in front of a boy who was with me.

“Man I glad that they didn’t have any drug dogs there because I would have been in serious trouble!” he told me as he removed the bobby pins from the top of his afro and pulled out a bag of weed.

He glanced down and saw the blade of my extremely large kitchen knife that I had forgotten about. Then he stopped and took off running downstairs. I paid it no mind as I collected my things and proceeded up the stairs to my train. Just as I was about to enter the train police came running from everywhere.

“STOP RIGHT THERE! DON’T GET ON THAT TRAIN!” shouted this black lady.

I didn’t think that they were referring to me so I entered the train and put my headphones on as I sat in a corner seat. We pulled off and the police came running along side the train banging on the window next to me. The train stopped and when they entered they surrounded me yelling and screaming at me like I had just murdered someone. They removed me in handcuffs and took my bag from me. The black lady emptied the contents of my bag on the platform and she didn’t find anything. She searched me and didn’t find anything.

“Maybe he disposed of it! Where is it? What did you do with it?” she asked me.

“Do with what?” I said.

“Don’t play dumb you know what I am talking about. Keep it up and I will slap the shit out of you!” she screamed.

I truly didn’t know what she was talking about until she threw my bag down and heard the sound of something that wasn’t paper. Then I quickly remembered the knife.

She searched the bag with a flash light and cut the lining out of my bag to find the sticky knife laying in the cut.

“What is this?” she screamed.

“What does it look like? Obviously it’s a knife covered in apple pie!” I replied.

“Ooh, this little bastard is pushing my last nerve!” she yelled to no one in particular.

They walked me downstairs to call my mom again and explain the situation. She said send him home that she would deal with it and they released me, but kept the knife.

Then she turned to the officers who had picked me up in the morning and questioned how they could over look something like that. No one knew the answer to that question.

Once I arrived home there was a suitcase and a note on my bed to pack my things!

I knew that things were very serious at that point, but I needed to clear my head and talk to someone! It didn’t seem real it all seemed like a bad dream to me! After I washed the dishes I dressed Nasir warm and we went to Flatbush to talk to Paul! I originally wanted to speak to Charlene, but she was not home. When I arrived in Flatbush Paul, Cornell, and Robert were all walking across the street going to Anthony’s house. Anthony was another friend of ours.

Nasir ran ahead to greet Paul and then Robert disrespected him.

“What are you doing here? Paul does not like you and your brother really should not bring you around here anymore!” Robert said.

So Nasir stood there confused and then I picked up my pace. When I caught up to them I said.

“Robert! Don’t talk to him like that! He’s only six and plus he didn’t anything to you!”

“I sorry I just don’t like him! Have you ever met someone that you just didn’t like? Well Nasir is that person and you bring around here anymore!” said Robert.

“Who else feels that way about him?” I asked.

“Well I always wondered why you always brought him around like we were friends or on the same level.” said Cornell.

“I bring him with me because I’m trying to be a responsible sibling! I can’t leave him home by himself now can I? My mom works three jobs just to keep the bills paid and try to keep us happy so I need to look after my brother! It’s just what families do! Why is that a crime? Do you not like me because of him?” I said.

“No that’s not it I never said that!” Cornell said on the defensive.

We all ended up arguing and went our separate ways. I was so crushed and confused. I went over there for comfort and was shot down. We spent two hours arguing and I still didn’t get my things back. We returned home shortly before my mother woke up.

I packed my things and when she woke up she said.

“Your dad wants you and he can have you! I’m through and so tired of the headaches! I’ve already arranged that you go live with his family and you leave the day after tomorrow!” she told me in a calm voice.

Then she went to work. The next morning when she returned my aunt called her and she left again. I thought that it would be the perfect time for me to go to Flatbush and collect my belongings that I had loaned to Cornell and say my good-byes. My bike had a flat so I took my mothers’ only because I knew that she would be gone for about three hours. When I arrived in Flatbush Cornell told me that Robert had borrowed my things. I thought to myself ‘how in the hell are you going to loan someone else something that you borrowed from another person?’ but I remained cool about it. I still was angry because I really didn’t like Robert anyway!

Today is 6/1/85 DeAun C. Jonelle Anaujiram Monique Lee Mike Asshole Antonio Sharice Alex Bryan

5/10/83 2 6/18/83 1 7/28/84 11 months 12/21/84 5 months 3/10/85 2 months 5/7/86 5/7/86 2/6/87 9/16/87 9/16/87 12/22/88 3/31/92

Jose

Missy Elliot Melissa Busta Rhymes Trevor Lil’ Kim Kim Da Brat Shawntae Timbaland Timothy Magoo Melvin

Grandma Ramel Mom Vanessa Robert Clevan

Ginuwine Aaliyah Nicole Wray Total Eminem Big Boi Redman Nas Q-tip Eve Lil’ Mo Lady Saw Juvenile B.G. Beyonce Method Man Ludacris Trina Tweet Jay-Z Ms. Jade Fabolous 50 Cent Bubba Sparxx Pete Pablo Nelly Furtado Tionne Lisa Chile Mary Blidge Elephant Man Monica Nelly R. Kelly Beenie Man

Eugene Dana Nicole Ebony Marshall Antoine Reggie Nasir Jonathan Eve Cynthia Cantrale Terry Christopher Carmen Clifford Chris Katrina Robin Sean Jade William Curtis Bobby Peter Charlene Tionne Lisa Rozanda Mary Paul Monica Cornell Robert Anthony

DMX Drag-On DMX DMX Eve Eve DMX Eve

1996 1997 1997 1998 1999 2001 2001 2002

Eddie Sharmen Anaujiram’s Mom Lynn Todd Ryan James Brandon Thomas Reed III Teresa Shanice Catherine Calvin 1 Starr Jackie Robert Terrance Shannon Janica Willie Deloris Wesley Buddy Stanley Kirk Lucretia Cynthia Dorothy Twanna Denise Christian Gary Patrick

It’s Dark & Hell Is Hot The Opposite of H20 Flesh of My Flesh Blood of My Blood And Then There Was X First Lady Scorpion The Great Depression Eve-olution

DMX

2003

Grand Champion

Chapter 5: A Change in the Plan Chapter 6: The Final Journey The Reason I Cry The Importance of Trust I Once was Lost By the Grace of God What’s Love I Won’t Complain My Life I’ve Come to Far The Crazy Thing I Do For Love So Many Secrets The Choices We Make Chapter 1: Justin Chapter 2: Jose Chapter 3: DeAun Chapter 4: Cocaine Chapter 5: Jonelle Chapter 6: Sharice Chapter 7: Bryan Chapter 8: Lucy Chapter 9: Evelyn Chapter 10: Regina Chapter 11: Betty Chapter 12: Khadijah Chapter 13: Orlando Chapter 14: Darrin Chapter 15: Moesha Chapter 16: Clinton Chapter 17: George Chapter 18: Tyrell Chapter 19: Dana Chapter 20:

Justin Walker Jonelle Foster Sharice Foster Bryan Foster Lucy Alexander Evelyn Constant Darrin Cooley Charles Rice Khadijah Williams Maxine Hemingway Jose Gonzales

2/14/04 9/27/04 9/14/05 7/25/06 1/06/07 3/07/07 8/29/07 10/15/07 3/08/08

Gabrielle Alexander Ricky Nazario Barbara Constant Fred Baptiste Betty St. Fleur Bruce Perez Lucille Da Costa Terrance Williams Synethia Stewart Orlando Archin Evelyn Hemingway Kyle Gilliam Stephanie Carlton Samuel Padilla Alexandria Camporeale Arnez Spirra Kyle Cooley Nicki Griffith Kim Parker Stephanie Thompson Dwayne Pierre Monica Greg Roberto Rice Rachael Cartwright Frederick Robinson Phyllis Fraser Joseph Rodriguez Will Hardesty Jack Organ Karen Clark Grace Gant Tyrell Ambok

Lucretia Brian Cynthia Billy Cassandra Angel Melissa Prince Kristel Kevin Twanna Eric Dorothy Richard Denise Patrick Christian Tamara Tamika Denaia Gary Kamilyah Steven Celeste William Zaquera David Shomari Ellis Taja Loren C.J.

Lorraine Smith Doreen Harrell Tisha Howell Nicole Williams Lauren Rice Yolanda Jones Rayon Marlon Opal Dana Alabi Denise Alabi Salika Alabi Kareem Davis Ebony Shanks George Parker Douglass Wilkins Malcolm Patterson Frank Nicholas Jason Alabi Clinton Okelley Kevin Gatling Carl Amos Sean Irby Madina Joyner Maxine Redman

Tisha Shatia Fallon Antonae Panther Ray-ray Karlon Charisma Sophia Shade Ayesha Tyrone Jayda Kodi Paul Brian Kevin Ronald Jason Cory Duke Dashawn Madina Audrey

Tina Sandra Liz Martin Jessica Washington

Nicole Leona Queenie Sonya

Andrea Moore Sylvia Banks Christine Janice Gloria Samoan Lisa Patricia Dianne Migdalia Emma Carl Palmer Clinton Bradshaw Kevin Oakes Samona Donna

Kika Victoria

James Rex Reed

Javon Davis Marlon Kainon Tom Lisa Michelle

Tyrone

J 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 O 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 F 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 N 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 01 02 03 04 05 M 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 D 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 A 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 J 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 M 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 F 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 J 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 M 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 06 J 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 A 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 01 02 03 04 05 06 07

A 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 M 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 S 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 J 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 O 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 J 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 N 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 A 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 01 02 03 04 05 06 D 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 S 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 01 02 03 04 05 06 07

DeAun’s Guyanese Family Grandma Granddad

Guyana Guyana

Uncle Timothy

1943

Lucille Da Costa Aunt Nicole Dorenda Hemingway

Ms. Willoughby Mr. Willoughby 62

Guyana

10/15/81 1959

45

23

Guyana

Melissa

Evelyn Hemingway Allen Hemingway Lashawn Hemingway Keith Hemingway Bertha Hemingway Aunt Ebony Uncle Thomas Barbara Constant Bruce Oscar Kyle Regina Sinclair Terrance Simeon Jamal Alex

03/08/83

1962

42

Twanna

Guyana

09/14/84 11/16/82 07/25/84 07/25/84 08/05/88 08/05/88 08/23/89 12/20/90 04/16/98 01/09/02

21

21 19 19 15 15 14 13 05 01

20

Cynthia

Nashua Ramel Christian Amelia Jerica Mike Marquis Lester Malik

Aunt Alicia Cocaine Tequila Anaujiram-Nevaeh Asshole-Passion

07/01/83 01/05/86 10/21/89 06/14/92

Mom Dad

Hit by a bus Gas Explosion Decapitated Crushed Guyana Guyana

DeAun Jonelle Monique Antonio Sharice Bryan

05/21/83 20 07/31/84 19 03/22/85 18 09/30/87 16 09/30/87 04/12/92 11

Aunt Alexandria Uncle Basil

Guyana Guyana

Gabriel Hector

09/27/84 01/04/86

19 17

Brick through Head Car Accident 16

Lucretia Robert

Impaled

Lenielle Robert Tina Frank Casey Hakeem Darrin Catherine Quentin Moesha

04/11/87 08/20/88 08/20/88 07/18/89 03/22/91 10/25/92 01/01/94 04/08/95 07/15/99 10/22/00

16 15 15 14 13 12 09 08 04 03

Jessica Sharvan Megan Stanford Anise Hayden Michael Allison Jesse Briana

Crushed by glass

Uncle Kevin Guyana Aunt Antonia Trinidad Denise Nicole Malcolm Frank Danielle Angela Nikia Bernard Stanley Tyrek Dwayne

10/15/81 22 01/22/83 20 02/16/87 16 02/16/87 16 04/29/89 14 08/06/90 13 11/13/95 08 11/13/95 08 11/13/95 02/20/00 03 05/27/02 01

Melissa Carroll Brian Kevin Kerry Chantell Sara Malik 08 Malachi Malcolm Messiah

Jose’s Dominican Family Grandma Granddad

Mrs. Gonzalez Mr. Gonzalez

Puerto Rico Dominican Republic

1. Aunt Uncle Lopez

Cuba

Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico

Maria Joyner

11/13/85

2. Aunt ????

Elliot Reyes

Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico Panama

Judy Tomas Lillie Roberto ????

12/05/80 03/12/82 03/08/83 08/29/84 06/19/85

3. Aunt ????

Orlando Nazario

Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico Mexico

Brian ???? ??????

10/08/84 01/15/91 04/22/02

Mom 4. Dad

1965 1964

Jose Taina Carlos

11/01/83 06/23/88 01/05/93

5. Aunt ????

Sean Rodriguez

Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico Puerto Rico

David

Puerto Rico

39 38

17

23 21 20 19 18

Madina

Head cut off by elevator Twanna Steven Iman

Mrs. Gonzalez Dominican Republic Mr. Gonzalez Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico 20 15 10

Dominican Republic

Eric Gilliam, Alabi, Romano, Rashid 206 Lewis Av Brooklyn NY, 11221 1(917)771-3412 ???-??-0360 or 0630 eric2111205@yahoo.com password Louise 05-15-85 Cake Man Raven 718-694-2253 Account # for sprint phone 0142374017 646-261-2842 M 917-577-5882 M 917-685-5973 ANDY (Gay) 917-349-3576 F 917-821-2334 M 917-698-6110 F 646-339-6412 M 646-247-2416 Evette 917-517-4538 M 917-754-5983 Tosha 646-342-4765 Richard

Lucretia Alexander Cynthia Constant Dorothy Carlton

718-451-0087 718-253-6783 718-434-0503

Cassandra St. Fluer Melissa Williams Christian Cooley Denise Camporeale Shomari Hardesty David Rodriguez William Robinson Tisha Smith Madina Joyner Jamela Redman Iman Eric Mayris Lauren Brian James Francis Vasquez Lee Glenn Angie

B8B B10 B12A B15B

347-000-0000 347-546-4069 718-693-3318 718-694-0340 718-783-9110 718-636-1875 718-797-4230 718-000-0000 718-000-0000 718-462-1877 718-000-0000 718-919-6096 212-000-0000 212-346-9669 718-000-0000 917-000-0000 917-000-0000 347-249-5727

Brooklyn Sunset Park – Cypress Hills Williamsburg Plaza – JFK Airport Cypress Hills – Prospect Park South Spring Creek – Downtown Brooklyn

B8 + 1 B15 + A B12 + 3 B15 + 4

B20A B22 B25A B40 B47A B50 B56 B65A B90 B98 B3A B7A B17A B42A B78 B84 B92 B93 B94 B104 B111 B112 B113 B114 B118 BM17 BM18 BM19 BM20 BM21 B53 B55 B58 B97 B98 B99 B127 BM15 B18 B24A B27 B28 B29 B30 B39A B48A

Spring Creek – Downtown Brooklyn Williamsburg Plaza – Cypress Hills Fulton Landing – Spring Creek Starrett City – Central Park South Sunset Park – East Side Starrett City – Manhattan Beach Downtown Brooklyn – Cypress Hills Red Hook – East New York

Bergen Beach – Sunset Park Bed-Stuy – Sheepshead Bay Canarsie – Downtown Brooklyn Canarsie Pier – Downtown Brooklyn Kings Plaza – Fulton landing Gateway Center – Atlantic Center Canarsie Pier – Far Rockaway Sheepshead Bay - Ridgewood Williamsburg Plaza – Rockaway Park Canarsie – Kew Gardens Mill Basin – Battery Park City East New York – E. 57 St Kingsbay – Central Park S. Gerritsen Beach – Central Park S. Bergen Beach – Atlantic Center Canarsie Station – Pearl St Bergen Beach – Central Park S. Sheepshead Bay – E. 57 St Flatlands – Worth St Canarsie – Worth St Sunset Park – Jamaica Terminal Fulton Landing – Richmond Hill Canarsie Station – Flushing Williamsburg Plaza – Riis Beach Metro Tech – Ridgewood Downtown Brooklyn – Flushing Downtown Brooklyn – Lower East Side Bushwick – Water St Greenpoint – East New York Greenpoint – Fulton Landing Greenpoint – Port Richmond Greenpoint – Port Richmond Greenpoint – Cypress Hills Williamsburg Plaza – Jamaica Terminal Atlantic Center – W. 57 St Greenpoint – Bay Ridge

B20 + 2 Q24 + J B25 + C B47 + X1 B43 + X2 B82 + 5 Q56 + 6 B65 + H Q24 Q56 B3 + 7 B7 + 5 B17 + 4 B42 + 6 B47 + T B82 + Q B42 + Q21A B44 + B26 B46 + Q35 BQ1 + Q10 BM1 + X4 BM2 + X5 BM3 + X6 BM4 + X7 B41 + B Shuttle B6 LTD + X8 B41 LTD + X9 B44 LTD + X10 B46 LTD + X11 B103 LTD + X12 Q54 + W Q55 + K Q58 + L B53 + B46 B54 + B52 B58 + B57 B57 + Z Shuttle/X13 B54 + X14 B13 + G B24 + 10 B61 + S7 B62 + S8 B24 + J B24 + R B39 + 9/X15 B48 + 8

B59 B61A B62 B87 B90 B96 B101 B122 BM12 B15A B19 B33 B51A B63A B72 B76 B79 B86 B91 B118 B123 B124 B125 B126 BM10 BM13 BM16 B5 B8A B9A B21 B32 B34 B68A B73 BM5 BM6 BM7 BM9

Sunset Park – Rego Park Downtown Brooklyn – Flushing Greenpoint – Kings Plaza Williamsburg Plaza – JFK Airport Williamsburg – JFK Airport Lefferts Gardens – Long Island City Williamsburg – Long Island City Williamsburg – Rego Park Williamsburg – Water St Williamsburg Plaza – Worth St Williamsburg Plaza – Coney Island Cobble Hill – Coney Island Sunset Park – E. 57 St Bay Ridge – Water St Downtown Brooklyn – Staten Island Mall Sunset Park – Bushwick Sunset Park – Willowbrook Bay Ridge – Jamaica Terminal Sunset Park – Ridgewood Downtown Brooklyn – Bensonhurst Sunset Park – Riis Beach Coney Island – Gowanus Bay Ridge – Church St Bay Ridge – Bed-Stuy Bay Ridge – Water St Brownsville – E. 57 St Coney Island – E. 57 St Coney Island – Downtown Brooklyn Bay Ridge – Cypress Hills Lefferts Gardens – Riis Beach Manhattan Beach – East New York Sea Gate – East New York Bay Ridge – Coney Island Coney Island – Bushwick Sea Gate – Fulton Landing Coney Island – Coney Island – Coney Island – Coney Island –

Q59 + M B61 + 11 B43 + S B18 + Q10 B24 + B15 B48 + Q39 B59 + B61 B24 + M Shuttle B24 + X16 B51 + Z/X17 B19 + F B33 + B B51 + X18 B63 + 14/X19 B69 + S79 B77 + X B70 + S93 B16 + Q8 B35 + B20 B37 + D Shuttle B9 + N Shuttle B75/B68 + O Shuttle B63/X20 + R Shuttle B16 + S Shuttle Hempstead Line + X21 B35 + X22 B68 + X23 B82 + A B8 + 12 B9 + 17 B4 + C B36 + 3 B1 + D B68 + 13 B74 + 15 West End + X24 Brighton + X25 Culver + X26 Sea Beach + X27