the world through which i am endlessly creating myself i am endlessly tired by Jasmyne Keimig

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my nails are bitten real short and my knees are so bruised

eyelashes split sat

and

ends in

pluck

tear

but

today

~herbal~

saunas

and waded in heated pools and !

stood

pressure body

under

high

showers!! things,

good good

feelings i want more good feelings. my fingers got really pruney and my face felt

soft.

wish

could take my mom to nice places, someday hopefully i will. !

assembled in Wellesley

by j.r.k.

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here is an update post about my first week living in london:

i have been doing a lot of walking! walked from new cross to greenwich friday, new cross to peckham today. i walk to get all my groceries and i try to only take one bus at most ever. i am also cooking more which i never did at home, everyone on my flat thinks i cook a lot which is funny. i am reading up on recipes and it is surprisingly fun. i drank maybe six nights straight when i first got here which was bad, especially since i drank maybe 3-4 days a week over the summer. but i didn’t yesterday or today and i probably wont continue heavily drinking now that school is starting. i also haven’t smoked weed in about a week which is the longest it’s been for me in about two years maybe. i am not sure whether i should follow through with this weed connection i found from a local student or try to keep off it for longer, but weed helps me not binge drink so i think it’ll be fine. i am keeping my room clean, and am friendly with my flatmates even though i dont socialize with them much. i think these next 12 weeks in london will be very good for me, i start classes tomorrow and am already excited because my readings look real cool, i love media theory and cultural studies and am even excited for my computer science course. maybe a bad thing though is that i cant stand being around really rich, white artsy kids which i’ve already encountered at goldsmiths but it’s not like i have to change, they just suck. i am trying not to worry about how well i’ve been doing socially. i have jas here and i could use this time to focus on myself + the city anyways so it’s fine. i don’t want to feel lonely just because i’m alone, i think that’s a thing i struggle with too. i’ve bought tickets for some gigs tho, so that will be good. i am going to learn to budget. i am going to not do that thing where i sleep with strangers because i think it’s what i’m looking for because it’s definitely not what i’m looking for. and i am going to remember to charge my ipod because i have nice headphones now for my bus rides and walks home.

goldsmiths aesthetic: the it guy who fixed your internet connection goes on his break, takes off his yellow polo work shirt and is wearing a husker du tee underneath. open mic night. girl in the pub is doing a radiohead cover and no one is paying attention but it’s a bad cover and im enjoying how bad it is. --

!!!!!how!do!you!manage!to!look!so!great?! !!!!!a!london!playlist! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

living alone far away is really weird i feel like im being forced to self-improve and adapt and grow. im being a lot better to myself and it feels good and i have to think to myself “i deserve this, this is nice.” which is kinda boosting my self-esteem, which i’m noticing and then having to cope with? -sugar rim your coffee mug i miss corn tortillas i thought about stealing this little cactus from my friend’s uni’s café but i literally could not because it was a cactus and that is how evolution work. have to write an essay on fanon and phenomenology and the body and i end up getting real antsy thinking about my own physical nature. plus i drank coffee tho. should finish this essay. -smoking alone means the light sensors eventually go off because you are not making any movement but then the train passes and the lights turn on and then you think v hard about the two --

16. 17.

! today!more!than!any!other!day!–!ought! how!many!7!iceage! asleep!–makthaverskan! get!away7!yuck! party!police!–!alvvays! see!how!tame!i!can!be!–!joyce!manor! new!town!–!life!without!buildings! too!old!(to!fall!in!love)!–!r.!stevie!moore! disco!2000!–!pulp! tulips!–!the!bilinda!butchers! e!–!cloakroom! three!day!weekend!–!grown!ups! meant!to!shred!–!dowsing! i’ve!got!it!and!it’s!not!worth!having!–!boyracer! but!the!damn!thing!has!watched!us!this!whole! time!–!dad!punchers! flowing!through!–!adventures! vapour!trail!7!ride!

dreamt my mom lost her wedding ring. i could never get married i could never own something as sentimental as a gold ring. my greatest fear is passing through the day only to realize the beanie that was on my head is no longer there. one day i said something to a friend like “i’m surprised i haven’t lost anything important yet” and the next day i lost my cell phone. i had a great night out last night, maybe one of those best ones. met that bartender, two pints and i cried. i applauded the dj for playing pulp and asked her to play earth, wind, and fire. she had never heard of them. smoked outside on a street side sofa and i think i cleverly flipped off a boy who teased me. or maybe not clever but i didn’t care which maybe is better. then the 171 and the next day “just realized i lost my scarf last night. i am taking it as an extra price for my drunkenness i guess. like, i was so perfect drunk, the ideal drunk where if you had one more drink it would be too much. but i lost a good scarf so there ya go” --

proud of myself for continuously getting about/ getting home without getting hit by a car/train #drunk #london

napping at six pm trynna help my mood

i never buy lighters but somehow am in possession of four. i am a horrible person. -i wanna make a short video where i just walk through hordes of twenty something year old alt dudes with tight black pants and some hardcore band tshirt and they all look at me but never say hi and i feel very awkward and i go to the grocery store, on the tube, etc and they’re just always there. that’s how i feel when i go to shows alone. --guy helped me into the radio station today. asked me “hey are you singaporean by any chance?” with a real flirty smile. i said no. then he looked kinda disappointed and said “ah, nevermind” and i said “sorry.” dont know why i apologized though i take it back now that i think of it -it’s very hard that i’m only ever in a city for 2-4 months at a time. no matter where i go i always end up laying in bed for as long as i can every single day (before i feel guilty and lazy) perhaps because i want some sense of groundedness. why did i ever think moving around so much would be good for me i am so exhausted

i like the idea of me going to people’s places and them letting me curl up and rest/ sleep. slept at sam’s yesterday and currently in a ball on jasmyne’s bed. makes me v happy -last night i smoked again and got a lot of bad physical/ not physical feelings, i think i will try not to smoke at least until next friday. i regret deleting that post i made about my femininity/ masculinity. my gender feelings are so contextual and situational that it makes me feel unstable and even embarrassed because it’s not really a huge problem, just more of a funny observation that i’m discovering about myself and learning to cope with. on wednesday i met my friend’s flatmate and she was so hyperfeminine, really pretty and giggly and i was wearing grimey clothes and pretty stoned and i felt so gay next to her. but then i’ll go out with boys or be in male-dominated spaces and think about my femininity (/ whether i look cute!) and feel very much not a boy so by “default” a girl (and an insecure one), even though it’s obviously not really “default girl” but just definitely “not boy”. similar to me feeling not necessarily brown (or mexican enough, asian enough, etc) but definitely always feeling not white. it is funny when the things you read about in class coincide with things in your life and it just freaks me out and i think “ need to get high” but my body just feels weirder. i am definitely over-intellectualizing feelings that mostly amount to “wow she sounds really sexually frustrated and needs to get laid.” but i would much rather learn how be ok with myself sexually than to get laid in a regretful/ hurtful way like i have been for the past two years. ok i need to finish essays now. --

i want a boyfriend so he can get me tall glasses of water when im in bed. --

so much scares me but i dont think thats bad i know this world was made for men ---! i havent done school work and i just realized i have three essays i should start thinking about! and i get stressed but also though i had those big presentations this week and i went out and had good fun. and tomorrow you’ll sort things out, go to class. eat breakfasts! i think cooking every single meal is taking up too much of my time though. gonna have to start thinking about faster buys, maybe buy premade foods. gonna start time management. cut down on my internet use. sleep earlier, wake up earlier. feel better. be productive on my tues, wed, thursday. i hate my friday classes but i’ll just power through. i can do this. -i think i just insert myself into people’s lives and im so aggressive and desperate and then i leave and its refreshing for other ppl to see me for a bit then carry on maybe but how am i supposed to maintain any stability that way???? like emotionally/ mentally/ socially? idk i am getting anxious leaving london and its the same desperation i had leaving california i guess i just have to ride this out for another year and a half. --accidentally bought two spicy ramens instead of regular this means my upcoming week i’m gonna be on fire --idea for sauna rooms: thc (self-explanatory), boy smell (smells like his hoodie his bed and when he took care of you when you were too far gone) cant think of any other ones that’s all on my mind

ICEAGE // DEC 2 2014 // 100 CLUB // LONDON if u wanna know how the iceage show went it went well. at one point the crowd was 2 rough on me and i was a little too drunk and falling over so i just plopped myself and sat on the stage. occasionally i got up to shove people. when they ended the crowd started singing to ecstasy and saying “pressure” over and over and i was like “oh fuck yeah im gonna go off to this” but they didn’t even play it, they mostly just played new stuff and i’ve never seen so many boys push and shove to country music. before they played i remember going out to smoke a cigarette and some guy who i noticed came alone stood right next to me and i kept thinking “hey bruh if you wanna say hi say hi because i’m not gonna make that effort but trust me i will be super friendly to you.” but i think maybe i looked unfriendly. i came with about twenty pounds and originally thought i wouldnt drink so much but the opener was this single white boy on a soundboard doing boring ambient drone noise shit and if there’s anything i hate it’s boys with solo electronic noise projects like bruh, get a fucking band you’re not cool just because you have a mac and sample old horror film clips. so i bought myself drinks out of the comedy of the situation. then there was a boy with a fidlar shirt on and i messaged my friends back home “eew there’s a boy with a fidlar shirt on i’m gonna beat him up in the pit” which i think was well received and made me miss my friends “windmill him in his burger boy face!” i wasn’t annoyed and angry the whole time tho i smiled a few times. once a guy tried to keep his balance and pulled me into the crowd and we made funny eye contact. it was funny when he apologized. and it was awesome that up front were just three girls plopped on stage swooning. then elias was super dreamy it made me wanna make out. and i took a bottle of water after the show but didnt pay and got on the bus home !

a lot of strangers helped me to the airport yesterday, it was a good south london farewell. 11.5 hour flight, didn’t sleep. had two empty seats next to me until a v ira glass looking guy switched into my row. scruffy beard and glasses, slightly greying hair, good suit. i watched before midnight and magnolia from my laptop, cried three times watching magnolia and then at the end cried and thought about it for a while. i am a sucker for that movie. then some arrested development and staring out the window and “i can’t believe this is my life”

! GIRLPOOL // NOV 17 2014 // SHACKLEWELL ARMS // ! LONDON ! !

! ! girlpool tonight and they have this song called paint me i saw colors where cleo sings “i’ll never understand what it means to be ! who is white cuz he never has! to fight” BUT TONIGHT she a man changed the lyric to “i’ll never understand what it means be, anyone but me” and for awhile it ruined the song for me and i was super upset because i loved that line. i guess i just felt like the feeling of isolation because you aren’t a white dude isn’t discussed in punk/lo-fi/whatever music ever. but i talked to her after and asked her why she changed it and she said she didn’t think it was a fair lyric because everyone has to fight and i think she said she wasn’t too far from being a white man. which is all true, but it was such a powerful line before. i remember thinking “fuck yeah” when i first heard it, i’m just bummed that future girls/ nonwhite dudes aren’t gonna get to hear it. also i almost cried because they have this line about being ANGRY and i was like “ughhh yeah why am i so angry” and yeah that was the show. the venue was one of those overpriced pubs that looks “cool” but kinda just smells like farts. then when i was waiting for the train i sat down at the end of a bench with four spots open, the one next to me had one of those empty sushi bento boxes. then this gross drunk white guy walks onto the platform and starts making lots of noise and of course i accidentally made eye contact with him. so he decides to sit right next to me even though i’ve got my “fuck off” face on but then he sits right on the sushi and in my head im like “dude did you not see that wasabi what is wrong with you” but my face was still like “ughh fuck off”. i think that is some body duality. !

i will miss london a lot, it was good to live there for a while. i feel it’s unfair that i just started getting used to everything and then had to leave, like i just started believing in myself or something. also i knew i was temporary in london so that messed with me a bit.

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i got on a bus home but then had to pee very very bad. i thought in my head “you can do this” but the bus was a 30 minute ride so i got off when it was too bad and my insides hurt too much. it was at “burgess park”. i saw a man outside his door stop and said “is there a bathroom i could use?” but of course he said no. so i walked literally thirty steps away to a school, found a tree and peed there. then as i walked back to the stop the man looked at me. i wanted to flip him off because i was upset that he knew i peed. i waited at the stop for the next bus and while i waited had one of those “i am the only person on this street” feelings. then i got on the bus home. i was sobering up and at one point yawned a big yawn. a man standing on the bus saw me yawn and laughed and said “tired?” and i smiled back and said “yes” and it felt nice. now i am back in my room. i took all my clothes off except my underwears. seeing joyce manor was strange because they are so quintessentially californian to me. i think they are the first familiar californians i’ve seen in london and they didnt even know. underneath my door my uni hall already gave me a notice about moving out. i havent even started to get used to this place. oh well. !

JOYCE MANOR // NOV 14, 2014 ! // THE DOME TUFNELL PARK // LONDON i have never ever crowd surfed in my life but i did tonight to leather jacket and five beer plan and somehow i got very attached to the boy standing next to me because i think at some point we saw each other and sung lyrics together. jasmyne and i drunk beers while walking to the station to get to the venue, then drunk more beers when we got there and i felt kind of drunk. while i was getting more drinks jasmyne got to the very front which i didnt expect to be at but then i kinda went loose which i don’t do often. they played everything i wanted to hear except for “see how tame i can be.” but they played “violent inside” which is my understated favorite because i like the line “i will feel violent because i feel violent all the time inside of me” because that’s how i feel very often. i feel very violent inside, especially as a sad brown girl i guess. i lost my earrings, and after the show jas went to the bathroom and i looked for them on the ground. i started to pick up all the loose change i found on the floor and everytime i stood up there was someone looking at me and i’d show them what i found and because i was drunk i started to giggle and have fun and i felt like the cutest grimey punk. i found my earrings and then also two lighters and four pounds in change. then outside i saw the boy that i saw at the perfect pussy concert and at the subway by my dorm. i was drunk, so i walked up and said “i saw you at the subway at my house and at the perfect pussy show!” and he recognized me and said “you started the pit!” and he said he lived near me and we did one of those hand shakes but i was too drunk to think of a way to contact him again but his name is sam and he has “the world is a beautiful place” and “bomb the music industry” patches on his jacket. then i got on the train home. eventually a boy/man in a blue jacket and glasses sat across from me, and we made eye contact a few times. i was still drunk. he became a comforting sight, since i had to stay on for about twenty minutes and he was there the whole time. i am probably in love with him. we got off at the same stop but he went a different direction. in my drunk head i thought “while we part ways he will turn around and look at me.” i turned around and looked but he didn’t.

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! GIRLPOOL // NOV 17 2014 // SHACKLEWELL ARMS // ! LONDON ! !

i want a boyfriend so he can get me tall glasses of water when im in bed. --

proud of myself for continuously getting about/ getting home without getting hit by a car/train #drunk #london

napping at six pm trynna help my mood

-goldsmiths aesthetic: the it guy who fixed your internet connection goes on his break, takes off his yellow polo work shirt and is wearing a husker du tee underneath. open mic night. girl in the pub is doing a radiohead cover and no one is paying attention but it’s a bad cover and im enjoying how bad it is. -living alone far away is really weird i feel like im being forced to self-improve and adapt and grow. im being a lot better to myself and it feels good and i have to think to myself “i deserve this, this is nice.” which is kinda boosting my self-esteem, which i’m noticing and then having to cope with? -sugar rim your coffee mug i miss corn tortillas i thought about stealing this little cactus from my friend’s uni’s café but i literally could not because it was a cactus and that is how evolution work. have to write an essay on fanon and phenomenology and the body and i end up getting real antsy thinking about my own physical nature. plus i drank coffee tho. should finish this essay. -smoking alone means the light sensors eventually go off because you are not making any movement but then the train passes and the lights turn on and then you think v hard about the two --

here is an update post about my first week living in london: i have been doing a lot of walking! walked from new cross to greenwich friday, new cross to peckham today. i walk to get all my groceries and i try to only take one bus at most ever. i am also cooking more which i never did at home, everyone on my flat thinks i cook a lot which is funny. i am reading up on recipes and it is surprisingly fun. i drank maybe six nights straight when i first got here which was bad, especially since i drank maybe 3-4 days a week over the summer. but i didn’t yesterday or today and i probably wont continue heavily drinking now that school is starting. i also haven’t smoked weed in about a week which is the longest it’s been for me in about two years maybe. i am not sure whether i should follow through with this weed connection i found from a local student or try to keep off it for longer, but weed helps me not binge drink so i think it’ll be fine. i am keeping my room clean, and am friendly with my flatmates even though i dont socialize with them much. i think these next 12 weeks in london will be very good for me, i start classes tomorrow and am already excited because my readings look real cool, i love media theory and cultural studies and am even excited for my computer science course. maybe a bad thing though is that i cant stand being around really rich, white artsy kids which i’ve already encountered at goldsmiths but it’s not like i have to change, they just suck. i am trying not to worry about how well i’ve been doing socially. i have jas here and i could use this time to focus on myself + the city anyways so it’s fine. i don’t want to feel lonely just because i’m alone, i think that’s a thing i struggle with too. i’ve bought tickets for some gigs tho, so that will be good. i am going to learn to budget. i am going to not do that thing where i sleep with strangers because i think it’s what i’m looking for because it’s definitely not what i’m looking for. and i am going to remember to charge my ipod because i have nice headphones now for my bus rides and walks home.

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by j.r.k.

! !

assembled in Wellesley

my nails are bitten real short and my knees are so bruised

eyelashes split sat

and

ends in

pluck

tear

but

today

~herbal~

saunas

and waded in heated pools and !

stood

pressure body

under

high

showers!! things,

good good

feelings i want more good feelings. my fingers got really pruney and my face felt

soft.

wish

could take my mom to nice places, someday hopefully i will. !

!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !