HOLLYWOOD

SUMMER MOVIE LOVIN’ 2022

So far this year, we’ve had some big-budget efforts that have served as a precursor to things to come this summer, with both hits and misses. Sandra Bullock and Channing Tatum starred in an “homage” — which is French for “rip off,” I believe — of the 1984 Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas vehicle Romancing the Stone, with the eerily familiar plot of a romance novelist thrust into adventure with The Lost City. If you’re so inclined, it’s already streaming on Paramount+.

Jared Leto didn’t expect his film to be like his vampire character in Morbius, in terms of it sucking at the box office. While Nicolas Cage played with himself in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. Oh, played himself. My bad. And audiences were also treated to Downton Abbey: A New Era.

And then there was this head-scratcher. At age 45, Alexander Skarsgård played son to 54-year-old Nicole Kidman as his on-screen mother. I’m not a mathematician, or quelle surprise, that well-versed in female anatomy, but I think The Northman “may” have taken liberties with that weird bit of casting.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness performed more boxoffice magic for Marvel, setting the stage for audiences to see movies in, gulp, an actual theatre. Now, the ensuing hotter months of the year will feature a plethora of contenders vying for your movie-going dollar, with some flicks that have been pushed back over the last two years. So, if WWIII doesn’t happen, or a new rise in coronavirus numbers doesn’t highjack another season, then this is your look at the summer movies of 2022.

MAKE IT A BLOCKBUSTER NIGHT

Back in 1975, Steven Spielberg brought Jaws to the masses, and is credited with creating the summer blockbuster. Fast forward to 2022 and these are the movies that are hoping for boffo box office. Naturally, it wouldn’t be a day ending in y if Hollywood didn’t throw heroics into the mix.

The Bob’s Burgers Movie was originally set to bring the animated TV show from the small screen to the big screen in “that year.” And now the misadventures of the Belcher family see them contending with a huge sinkhole opening in front of their burger joint, leaving Bob and Linda to figure out how to keep the business from sinking. Meanwhile, their offspring Tina, Louise and Gene try to uncover a mystery that may save the family business, all done in a musical format. Meat and showtunes? Yeah, the gays “may” be down with that! Out now

Another postponed release,Thor: Love and Thunder, has gay street cred on its side with the bisexual Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) looking for love, while Korg (voiced by the film’s director Taika Waititi) will not be on the rebound, following the recent loss of his love. Plus, there’s a slightly homoerotic moment between Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Guardians of the Galaxy’s Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) in the trailer. Meanwhile, Natalie Portman returns to the Marvel fold in a spectacular fashion as Jane Foster, having last been seen in the disappointing Thor: The Dark World. She joins the fray to defeat the villainous Gorr the God Butcher (Christian Bale). July 8

The animated DC League of Super-Petsfeatures Superman’s dog, Krypto the Super-Dog, who enlists the aid of other four-legged heroes after the Justice League is kidnapped. The film also has some celebrity voiceovers in its corner, including John Krasinski as the Man of Steel, Keanu Reeves as the Dark Knight and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Krypto. July 29

With characters with names like an assassin called Ladybug (Brad Pitt) and Maria Beetle (Sandra Bullock), you might mistake Bullet Trainas an adult remake of 1998’s animated A Bug’s Life. As it stands, the trained killer and his handler must contend with other hired help in procuring a briefcase on the titular speedy mode of transportation. August 5

Swoon-worthy Idris Elba stars in the thriller Beast. And thank Jeebus, because I was just commenting the other day that he should be doing more than those Booking.com commercials. Elba plays a recently widowed man — that means he’s single! — with two teenage daughters stalked by a lion out for blood in a South African game preserve. August

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The biggest enemy that Sylvester Stallone, who headlines Samaritan, took on was getting the movie into theatres because of the pandemic. First, there was a seven-month delay on production in 2020. Then, three release dates were nixed along the way. Making its theatrical debut even more suspect is that there is no trailer yet for the movie, whose plot features a young boy finding out that a superhero thought to have perished 20 years ago is alive and well. August 26. Maybe. Don’t quote me on it.

DO IT TO ME ONE MORE TIME

The adage, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” applies to these next few films, comprised of sequels. And they say Hollywood is out of ideas! Oh, wait.

I always figured that a sequel to Top Gun would be called Bottom Gun. Probably just me. It usually is. Top Gun: Maverickis the oft-delayed and — cough, cough — 36 years in the making follow-up. Tom Cruise has promised new aerobatic stunts, but judging from Lady Gaga’s video for the “Take My Breath Away”-esque “Hold My Hand,” there also seems to be a lot of throwbacks to the original flick. These include Cruise racing a fighter jet on his motorcycle, Goose’s son (Miles Teller) singing “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” in a bar and a volleyball scene. Hey, I’m not complaining about that one! But I do have a bone to pick with the soundtrack producers, as there’s no new Kenny Loggins song, only his “Danger Zone “anthem being recycled. Throw Kenny a frickin’ bone! It’s not like he’s busy or something. Out now

When I was 5, I could correctly name every dinosaur, even if I couldn’t pronounce spaghetti. So, as an adult, I have a nerd chub about Jurassic World: Dominion. Primarily because of the addition of franchise legacy stars Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum joining Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard for more prehistoric mayhem. This time around, the plot revolves around man and dinosaurs trying to co-exist. I’m thinking that may prove to be a fitting analogy for the divide in modern-day America, minus the T-rex factor. Deep! June 10

In the abbreviated wedding luck tradition of something old and something new comes another third screen adaptation ofFather of the Bride, following in the down the aisle footsteps of the 1950 Elizabeth Taylor original and the 1991 Steve Martin remake. That covers the something old portion of the show, with the focus shifting to Andy Garcia as the head of a Cuban-American family preparing for his daughter’s nuptials as this incarnation’s something new. June 16 on HBO Max

Ever wonder who the Buzz Lightyear toy was based on? Yeah, me either. However, Lightyear sets out tohighlight that very concept, with Chris Evans replacing Tim Allen as the voice of the astronaut who goes to infinity and beyond on an intergalactic adventure. June 17

FUNNY BIDNEZZ

If laughter is the best medicine, then these next few flicks should cure what ails ya. Unless you have herpes, because that brown expletive is forever.

Fire Islandis Hulu’s take on updating Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice with a decidedly notstraight-up-with-a-twist approach, featuring an all-LGBTQ cast comprised of Joel Kim Booster, Margaret Cho, Bowen Yang, Matt Rogers, Torian Miller, Tomás Matos and Conrad Ricamora. The plot revolves around Noah (Booster) as the male equivalent of Elizabeth Bennett becoming captivated with the Mr. Darcy-like Will (Ricamora). June 3

Also streaming on Hulu is the dramedy Good Luck to You, Leo Grande — no relation to Ariana — that sees Emma Thompson getting her cougar on by hiring a young sex worker to put her unhappy marriage behind her. June 17. And in cinemas on that same day, Penélope Cruz and Antonio Banderas play a pair of egomaniacs challenged by a millionaire to film a movie together in Official Competition.

Keeping with her real-life love of collecting them stones like Thanos, I mean, “fictional brand of marriage,” Jennifer Lopez returns with Shotgun Wedding, her second matrimonial-themed comedy this year. June 29

SO DRAMATIC!

On the flip side of the comedy coin, we have some drama queens who would like you to pony up your hard-earned coins to witness their histrionics.

All hail the King, as Elvisgets the biopic treatment, courtesy of director Baz Luhrmann. The film depicts the rise of the swivel-hipped singer (Austin Butler) that made a million panties — and a fair share of tighty whities — damp during the 1950s. The film also explores the contentious relationship with his manager Colonel Tom Parker (Tom Hanks). June 24

Another flick set during the 1950s is Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris, whichdetails a widowed cleaning lady from London traveling to the City of Love after becoming a smitten kitten, infatuated with a couture Dior dress. Relatable, girl, relatable! July 15

The page-to-screen adaptation of Delia Owens’ bestseller, Where the Crawdads Sing,has had its fair share of controversy, even ensnaring America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift in it! Don’t worry, it’s her involvement in providing music for the film adaptation that’s ruffled some feathers. It’s not like she killed somebody! But on that note, it’s alleged that Owens and her ex-husband are wanted for questioning over a murder, circa 1995, in Zambia. Neat! July 15

Dale Dickey (Glyndora from Sordid Lives) hopes that meeting with an old flame, Lito (Wes Studi) will result in being better than A Love Song, a movie that is being likened to Nomadland. July 29

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SCURRY MOVIE?

Perhaps this summer you can add a new answer to the question posed in Scream as to “what’s your favorite scary movie?” So far, we’ve seen Zac Efron playing a hot daddy to a Firestarter, out now in theatres and streaming on Peacock. While a group of spooky Norwegian kids proved they’re not The Innocentsthat the title proclaims, unleashing supernatural powers behind their parents’ backs. You scamps!

Did you know that Stephen King’s son is also a prolific horror writer? No? Well, now you do. The Black Phone, another pushed-back project originally slated for January,is based on Joe Hill’s book and centers around a masked child abductor (Ethan Hawke) and the 13-year-old boy (Mason Thames) locked in his basement, who can speak to previous victims on — you guessed it — a black phone. June 24

Writer/director Jordan Peele (Get Out and Us) is keeping things mostly under wraps for his next movie Nope. Mostly. We do know that it involves aliens arriving in a small town, is an homage to sci-fi B-movies from the 1950s and will be full of subtext about the current state of the world. The film stars Daniel Kaluuya, Keke Palmer, Steven Yeun and lists Knots Landing alum Donna Mills in the credits. Yup, she’s in Nope! July 22

TheBodies Bodies Bodiesstart piling, piling, piling, up, up, up in this horror/comedy starring Pete Davidson and Lee Pace as revelers at a gathering where a party game turns deadly! The Hokey Pokey ain’t nothing to fool around with. August 5

They/Them is a decidedly different take on the slasher genre, as trans and non-binary Jordan (Theo Germaine) leads a group of teens at a gay conversion therapy camp in battling a mysterious killer and the camp staff, as well. The film stars Kevin Bacon, returning to his Friday the 13th roots —or Frigay the 13th in this instance — as the owner of the camp. August 5 on Peacock.

The producers of the movie Feardecided the time was right for a flick about vacationers facing the threat of an airborne contagion. That ought to pack theatres! August 26

CUT. PRINT. THAT’S A WRAP!

Seeing as film releases are fluid these days, obviously dates are subject to change with some assembly required in rebuilding your schedule. And if you get, you know, something that lasts longer than four hours regarding a release date holding, uh, firm, consult your doctor. Until next time, that’s all the news that’s fit to print.

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