khuluma26

free copy

swipe me if you like me

march

2014

’ issue p, Son U n a The ‘M

CHRIS FORREST

is the biggest Bond yet in ‘The Spy Who Laughed at Me’

got the munchies?

FOR THE MENU see pages 2&3

Chris interviews

Corné Krige & Mark Fish Would the guys choose mice or rat over chicken or beef?

Jeannie D Does Jeannie really think Eminem is the Shakespeare of our generation?

PLUS Ice swimmers, cage fighters, café racers, burgers, bromantic adventures and all sorts of manly stuff

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View from the Top AS I AM not allowed to abuse or offend anyone, I should not write this column after having spent two hours in the traffic. But here I am, trying to subdue my road rage with a wholly ineffective cup of tea, when I clearly need something with more kick – like an elephant tranquiliser, perhaps.

Being the true accountant that I am, I have taken to using the back roads in order to dodge the evil toll gantries that now litter our Gauteng highways. And for the most part it has proven quite effective, except that I now have closer contact with the lunatic fringe who could not get a licence to herd goats down a wadi – never mind drive a car.

Because cars are becoming so expensive, I would like to propose that manufacturers save us a few rands by removing all parts that are redundant to driving in South Africa, such as those funny flashing orange lights that we never use. The latest lane-changing move is to indicate your intention by making a preliminary swerve at the car alongside you, as if you believe that two cars can occupy the same point in space at the same time. Even Einstein didn’t have a theory for this scenario. The resulting reaction is that the car already occupying this space will slam on brakes, and you can then make a more permanent swerve into the gap that you so effectively created.

Turning right at a traffic light is another situation that can be made much more efficient. You simply stop at the red light (if your intention is to stop at all) in one of the oncoming lanes, so that when the light changes to green (or when you think it will soon change to green … or at least reasonably soon), you will not be inconvenienced by approaching traffic, as you have already occupied their lane. You are now free to turn right at your leisure.

As documented in the K53 driving instructions. Keep right, swerve left, etcetera.

It certainly makes for exciting driving, if you like that sort of thing.

I prefer to fly. Just a pity we can’t bulldoze a few buildings in Sandton to make place for a kulula runway. Now I am going to walk home, and perhaps look for a bottle store and a herd of goats to adopt along the way.

Have Your Say Whether you’ve had a great flight or feel that we could improve our service, we’d like to know. Drop us a line at khuluma@picasso.co.za.

Hello J I had the pleasure of travelling with kulula a few times in 2013, and after each trip I would take the khuluma magazine with me so that I could show my friends the CEO’s column, ‘View from the Top’.

I find Erik Venter to be a very entertaining writer. His humour is outstanding – sometimes dry, but always an absolute treat. It’s the first page I turn to when I open the magazine. I actually find myself getting quite excited about the read that awaits. Every time I read his column in the plane, I sit there giggling, while my fellow passengers stare at me (probably thinking that I’m losing it). Even when he’s discussing something serious (like when you purchased the Boeing 737-800), he finds a way to slip some humour in. Well done, Erik!

I’ve flown with many airlines and have never enjoyed reading any in-flight magazine as much as I enjoy khuluma. I’ve also bought quite a few gadgets online after reading about them in your magazine.

Thank you for a most entertaining read. I think the thing I look forward to most on your flights is the magazine. It would be great if you could include a crossword or two in future issues for the more seasoned travellers. Well done to the khuluma team!

With regards, Natalie Delport

Check out our Reader’s Survey and win!

We at khuluma value your thoughts, so we invite you to participate in our Reader’s Survey.

All we need is a smidgen of your valuable time to tell us what you think is lekker or not so lekker in khuluma. The results will be reported as statistical totals only, and you won’t be individually identified. Visit www.khulumaonline.co.za, click on Reader’s Survey, and begin.

One lucky participant can win an incredible hamper from Dynamic Vision consisting of a Guess purse, Guess men’s belt, Guess ladies’ fragrance, Guess men’s fragrance, a pair of Carreira sunglasses and a Nine & Co by Nine West handbag. All that for sharing your opinion! Competition is open to all South African residents, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/kulula.com/Comair Limited. Competition closes 31 March 2014.

Erik Venter, CEO: Comair Ltd

kulula.com

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Contents March 2014 regulars 1 LETTERS Your words, our paper 11 ÜBER-EDITORS LETTER

Chris Forrest reckons real men are curvy too

12 KULULA PAGES Why flying trumps driving, plus Trev’s foray Français in Franschhoek

guide

17 EVENTS The where and the when of what’s

on this March

23 EAT The best places to vleis your face, plus Madiba’s legacy in food 27 SHOP Seven products to get dudes started on taking care of themselves

33 SLEEP Go wild at Victoria Falls and Hwange

National Park

37 WATCH Blockbusters for blokes and giveaways galore 39 READ Bury your nose in some of the latest literature

41 LISTEN Fill your ears with Knave, Red Huxley and Shane Cooper

44 GAMES Bots, beasts and blocks 47 GADGETS Gizmos for guys

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Contents March 2014 chat

51 SURVIVORS Chris plays Corné Krige and Mark Fish off against one another

59 PRESENTER Chris reckons he’s found his very own Bond girl in Jeannie D 65 LOCAL HERO Meet South Africa’s record-setting human polar bears

travel

72 ADVENTURES FOR REAL MEN Grow some chest hair with these adrenaline-packed activities

action

80 BEHIND THE SCENES EFC. MMA. KO. And other pugilistic abbreviations

87 CARS We test drive the Opel Astra OPC, check out five manly automobiles, and get cool with café racers

95 CONSERVATION Faking it with faux leopard furs

stuff

99 MINDBENDERS Grease up your grey matter 101 BUSINESS Why workplace diversity counts

103 HEALTH The lowdown on men’s health

104 COLUMN Final

boarding call for outer space…

6

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MARCH 2014

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Editor Anthony Sharpe anthonys@picasso.co.za Content Coordinator Vanessa Payne Copy Editor Joy Capon Production editor Shamiela Brenner HEAD OF DESIGN STUDIO Jayne MacĂŠ-Ferguson Designers Mfundo Ndzo Shaun Reddiar Cover Photograph MornĂŠ van Zyl Content Manager Raina Julies rainaj@picasso.co.za Business Manager Robin Carpenter-Frank robinc@picasso.co.za Project Manager Richard White richardw@picasso.co.za Sales Consultants Stephen Crawford, Bonnie Eksteen, Randall Grace, Steve Norval, Marc Plastow, Andre Potgieter, Luke Roebert, Alec Rompelman, Roman Ross, Clint Smith, Zelda Stein Financial Accountant Lodewyk van der Walt

To advertise in this magazine please contact Richard White (Project Manager) on 021 469 2500 or richardw@picasso.co.za

Senior GM: Newspapers and Magazines Mike Tissong Associate Publisher Jocelyne Bayer

kulula.com CEO Comair Limited Erik Venter Marketing Manager, kulula.com Shaun Pozyn Senior Brand Manager, kulula.com Bridgette Ramuluvhana Brand Manager, kulula.com Thembeka Mabaso Comair Limited 1 Marignane Drive, Bonaero Park, Kempton Park, 1619 Tel 011 921 0111 kulula.com contact centre 0861 KULULA (585852) PRINTING

CTPprinters

CAPE TOWN

Copyright: No portion of this magazine may be reproduced in any form without written consent of the publishers. The publishers are not responsible for unsolicited material. khuluma is published monthly by Picasso Headline Reg: 59/01754/07. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Picasso Headline, kulula or Times Media. All advertisements/advertorials and promotions have been paid for and therefore do not carry any endorsement by the publishers. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, neither kulula, nor the publisher can be held responsible for any omissions or errors, or for any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom. We reserve the right to edit interviews for layout purposes.

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ÜBER-EDITOR OF THE MONTH

Über-ed’s letter Chris Forrest

Putting the cur in curvaceous

picture: Morné van Zyl

Hello, welcome and thank you for taking the time to read my ed’s letter.

When they asked me to guest-edit the ‘Man Up, Son’ issue of khuluma, I was excited for many reasons.

Firstly, it’s a magazine I hold very close to my heart. Well, actually I don’t so much hold it as place it on the tray table in front of me while leaning over it, but anatomically, it’s still close to my heart. Secondly, I knew it would give me access to chat to some of SA’s most awesome celebs.

Finally, I’ll be able to see everyone’s reactions to the magazine when I fly down to Cape Town to do a show at Jou Ma se Comedy Club at the V&A Waterfront at the beginning of March (a bit of shameless self-promotion there).

So if you’re reading this and sitting next to a fat guy, do a double-take – it might be me! And if the person in the seat next to you did a double-take earlier, perhaps it’s time to hit the gym.

This month I chatted to two gentlemen who definitely don’t need to hit the gym – two men who were both world-class in their individual sporting codes. I’m talking about Corné Krige and Mark Fish, who add their views to the great rugby vs football debate, and reveal which one of them is the better swinger. They also share some of their experiences of getting stuck on an island together – not for their political beliefs, but rather for the purpose of being the team captains on Survivor, a programme my wife seems to enjoy more and more the less the two of them wear shirts. Which I feel is unfair, because ladies all seem to claim that ‘real women’ are curvier. Shouldn’t the same apply to men?

Speaking of wonderfully curvy women, I also got to interview the vivacious Jeannie D. Jeannie is blessed not only with great looks, but also a fantastic pair of brains (one for work, one for fun – what were you thinking?), which, combined with the hypnotising scent of her ‘Jeannie in a Bottle’ perfume, gives her the ability to turn even a man as manly as me (I’m pretty curvy) into a bumbling idiot.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And remember to stay manly, even if you’re a woman. ■

Who will be our next ed?

South Africa’s a funny place. It’s got lots of funny people.

And some are damn hilarious. Every month, khuluma chooses a particularly amusing individual to be our über-editor. This funny man or woman then interrogates prominent South Africans for us. So book your flight for next month or head over to www.khulumaonline.co.za to see who it’ll be. kulula.com

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Chris’s creds Chris Forrest has been on the forefront of the South African comedy scene since the late nineties. As one of the country’s most versatile performers, Chris has worked in almost every facet of comedy, including stand-up; improv; sketch on stage, TV and radio; sitcoms; feature films; industrial theatre; numerous TV adverts; a comedy rap album; and many more weird and wonderful things. Check out chrisforrest.co.za or follow him @ChrisForrestSA. MARCH 2014

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2014/02/20 2:51 PM

Flying 101:

Take the high road

Fly instead of driving to your holiday destination When planning a local holiday, there’s always the decision of whether to drive or fly. The choice between spending 12 hours in a car sitting cramped with luggage and fidgety children versus a convenient two-hour flight seems like a no-brainer to us at kulula.com. But the debate is still open, so here we explore why we’d choose flying – any day!

12

Cost

Stress

The main reason some people decide to drive instead of fly is the perceived cost saving when driving. But is it really that much cheaper? When you consider the ever-increasing fuel price, tollgate fees, the wear and tear on your car, services and new tyres, overnight accommodation, padkos and road stops – all these add up.

Not to mention spending a day or more of your precious holiday time on the road.

To save on costs, consider looking at holiday package deals, as they often work out cheaper than putting together your own trip, and of course it saves you a lot of time and effort. kulula.com offers affordable, all-inclusive holiday deals that include your flights, car hire and accommodation.

The thought of going on a family road trip might conjure up thoughts of playing eye-spy and singing ‘We’re all going on a summer holiday’ merrily en route, but in reality is it ever as fun as you imagine?

It’s a known fact that long car rides can be a tremendous stressor – and often the driver suffers most.

There are the numerous toilet breaks, boredom tantrums, impatient kids asking ‘Are we there yet?’, and a possible overnight stay in a budget hotel to contend with. Then, when you finally arrive at your destination, you’re tired, and anything but relaxed and ready to start your holiday.

On the other hand, jumping on a flight, relaxing on board and being at your

march 2014

Kulula Pages 26.indd 12

holiday destination a couple of hours later eliminates unnecessary stress and gives you more time to relax.

Safety It’s a widely regarded fact that flying is safer than driving, especially during popular holiday periods when everyone has the same idea of packing a bag and hitting the open road. The increased road traffic definitely makes flying a much safer option (luckily we don’t have to contend with much traffic up in the sky).

So when considering the substantial time saving, increased safety, reduced stress, and convenience of flying, the jury has ruled in favour of air travel.

Book your flight, car and hotel on kulula.com. Now that’s full-on-travel.

kulula.com

2014/02/21 9:56 AM

Get great deals with our partners Protea Hotels: it’s a long weekend, baby!

It’s March already, and that means only one thing: loads of lovely long weekends to look

Trev’s Hot Spots

forward to in the months ahead. If you’re

Bonjour, boet

planning on jetting off for a weekend away, kulula’s green machines will get you there.

Together with Protea Hotels, we’ve got you covered – literally. Their rooms are turned to perfection every day with fresh, crispy linen,

AS A BIG fan of everything local, I believe you don’t have to go overseas to have a blast on holiday. We have some worldclass spots right on our stoep. For one, check out kulula’s latest getaway deal for something that’s as classy as Paris, France, but as cheap ’n cheerful as a stopover in Parys, Vrystaat. I’m talking about a fantastic kulula deal to spend three nights in Franschhoek – a slice of France in the heart of the Cape winelands.

From only R3 759 per person sharing, you can get a kulula return flight from Jo’burg to Cape Town, three days’ car rental and a three-night stay at the fivestar Three Cities Le Franschhoek Hotel & Spa. Best of all: you pay for two nights, but stay for three. Pardon my French, but this deal is amazeballs.

So besides the great price, what can you expect from your stay? Living it up in style, that’s what. The Three Cities Le Franschhoek Hotel & Spa is geared towards serious relaxation. Think sleeping late in your air-conditioned luxury room with views of the vineyards, Franschhoek mountains or landscaped gardens. Think massages and getting your zen on at the hotel’s Camelot Spa. Think you, a deckchair and a drink by the poolside.

Then, once you’re ready to venture out, ask the friendly guys at the hotel to help you organise a day trip. If you’re the outdoorsy type, Franschhoek’s scenic surroundings could be your stomping ground, with hiking, biking, fishing and horse-riding on offer. If it’s a rainy day,

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you could explore one of the historical area’s museums, such as the Motor Museum on L’Ormarins Estate. And ladies, what could be better than a chocolate-tasting, or a diamond tour at the local Diamond Works, with a glass of bubbly in hand?

If I were you, I would spend my stay enjoying what Franschhoek does best: worldclass food and wine. Look, you won’t find your average burger joint here – expect serious fine-dining options like The Tasting Room, which has been voted one of the world’s best restaurants. Franschhoek is also surrounded by some of the famous Cape winelands’ top estates, and you can’t afford to leave without a tasting tour of the region’s finest tipple.

The kulula Three Cities Le Franschhoek Hotel & Spa package deal is valid from 6 March to 19 April, and 28 April to 31 May 2014. The package excludes tips, meals (unless specified), beverages, high-occupancy airfare surcharges and all items of a personal nature. The package prices are from a starting price per person sharing, and are correct at the time of publication.

Bon voyage, Trevor

fluffed-up pillows, and, with up to 500MB free Wi-Fi daily, you’ll find all the reasons you could need to stay a little longer. Not to mention the best breakfasts and Fairtrade coffee in town.

And while you’re thinking about where to go, why not escape to a small town like George, rediscover the winelands, or enjoy a city break in Cape Town, Durban or Jo’burg?

Otherwise, get back to nature with a bush break at Protea Hotel Kruger Gate, where a portion from your stay will go towards saving our precious rhinos. Whether you’re planning a family holiday or romantic escape for two, you can kick back this long weekend at a Protea Hotel of your choice.

Choose your favourite Tsogo Sun hotel and let kulula book your room. Now that’s luxury you can afford.

As a Discovery Vitality member, you can earn Discovery Miles, which you can use towards paying for your kulula flight.

Rent a car with your flight and get a 10% discount, or get the best rates with Europcar.

Got some eBucks? Pay or part-pay for your next kulula flight using your eBucks.

twitter.com/kulula facebook.com/iflykulula

THE NOTICEBOARD travel with your kids and save Infants (under 2 years) and children (2-11 years) get a 20kg bag plus a free collapsible pushchair and a child seat.

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EVENTS | GUIDE

What’s on in

CAPE TOWN

WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING 6-9 March

Festival Get your party shoes on for Ramfest, in Elandskloof. Biffy Clyro, Killswitch Engage and Foals are headlining, alongside a host of other great acts.

There will also be a Ramfest taking place in Witfontein, Bronkhorstspruit, on the same dates. Tickets are R600-R700, available from www.plankton. mobi. Check out www.ramfest.co.za for more info.

Please note: Have you heard about the sheep who worked in a fish-andchips shop? One was a battering ram.

LET IT RIDE 9 March

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied, whacked management

Cycle race It’s that time of year again – time for one of the biggest cycle races in the world: the Cape Argus Pick n Pay Cycle Tour. Taking in 109km of some of the most scenic views in the country, it is nevertheless not for the fainthearted. So don your tight shorts or find a good viewing spot and support our local riders.

Please note: Bike sales go in cycles.

EPIC, BOET

23-30 March

Cycle race From road to rugged – the Absa Cape Epic, one of the world’s most prestigious mountain-biking events, covers around 800km of some of South Africa’s most rugged terrain, and draws the best professional and amateur mountain bikers in the world.

Check out www.cape-epic.com for more info.

Please note: Tyres are so expensive – blame inflation.

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GET PUMPED

5-8 March

Live comedy Catch our witty one-lining cover star, Chris Forrest, along with Cokey Falkow, ’S hosted by Kurt Schoonraad, R O IT ICE D at Jou Ma Se Comedy Club, E O CH at The Pumphouse, V&A Waterfront. Tickets are R120, available from www.computicket.com. Check out www.joumasecomedy. com for more info.

Please note: Comedians who screw up their lines perform a comedy of errors.

TUNE IN 29 March Festival

Get to Sandringham Farm for the KDAY Festival, which boasts a line-up of no fewer than 14 acts, including Prime Circle, GoodLuck and MiCasa. Tickets are R80-R180, from www.computicket.com.

Please note: You gotta be there, mkay?

KDAY Giveaway

We have two sets of double tickets to KDAY to give away! To enter, go to www.khulumaonline.co.za and hit the Competitions tab. Competition is open to all South African residents, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/ kulula.com/Comair Limited, and closes 17 March 2014.

SKOO BOP BA DI DI 28-29 March

Festival The CTICC hosts the annual Cape Town International Jazz Festival, with more than 40 local and international artists over five stages. Tickets are R490-R795, from www.computicket.com. For more info, visit www.capetownjazzfest.com.

Please note: The optometrist moonlighted as a jazz musician so he could continue to improve-eyes.

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EVENTS | GUIDE

What’s on

PARKOUR YOURSELF

in JOBURG

9 March Urban race

POINT YOUR TOES 7-23 March

Conquer the streets of Newtown in the Turbovite Jump City challenge, a 10km urban foot race that includes a blend of parkour, climbing, swinging and much more. For more info, check out www.jumpcitychallenge.com.

Please note: You need to reserve a parkouring spot for this event.

Ballet

Enjoy a beautiful evening out at the Joburg Theatre with the production of Coppelia, one of the bestloved ballets in the world. It tells the story of an old toymaker who believes he’s breathed new life into a doll he has made. Tickets are R100-R200, available from www.joburgtheatre.com.

Please note: Ballet dancers are kept on their toes.

GLUG GLUG 29 March

R’S ITOICE D E O CH

Beer festival

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied

Celebrate the unbridled passion and dedication that go into your favourite beer at SA on Tap 2014, at Brightwater Commons in Randburg. With more than 80 craft beers from 22 South African breweries, you’re sure to find one that suits you best. Tickets are R100, available from www.quicket.co.za.

Alternatively, you can pay R120 at the door.

Please note: Plumbers often have to tap their natural abilities.

SERIOUSLY FUNNY 29 March Live comedy

If you don’t have your ticket yet, you’d better get one soon, because Carnival City’s Big Top Arena is bring us one of the funniest comedians in the world, Jimmy Carr, in his brand-new show, Gagging Order. There will also be a show in Cape Town, at GrandWest (30 March). Parental guidance is seriously advised. Tickets are R440-R745, available from www.computicket.com.

Please note: Jimmy Carr has been known to drive people insane.

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JAZZACISE 20 March Live music

Experience one of the greatest jazz players to walk the earth, as Abdullah Ibrahim & Ekaya come to the Lyric Theatre, Gold Reef City. Jazz-lovers can expect a performance of most-loved compositions by the maestro and the US-based Ekaya. Tickets are R250-R435, available from www.computicket.com.

Please note: When a jazz musician’s clothes are all worn out, it’s ragtime.

GRAND RAND 18-28 April Expo

The Joburg Expo Centre hosts the annual Rand Show, Africa’s largest consumer expo, with 11 action-packed days of great family entertainment and lifestyle-focused exhibits. Check out dedicated halls such as DO Food, with its fresh food markets, wine pavilion, Little Chefs zone and international deli, and DO Home, with its furniture, gardening, decor and DIY exhibits. DO Life boasts fashion, accessories, health and beauty, and a fashion-brand warehouse sale, while DO Tech will show off the latest, must-have gadgets. Plus there’s the extensive SANDF zone, an Animal Kingdom with animal and reptile displays, interactive science exhibits, a new agricultural show, and more. For more info, visit www.randshow.co.za.

Please note: You should check out the Rand Show. It just makes good cents.

MARCH 2014

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an evening with

2ND APRIL 2014 CARNIVAL CITY TICKETS FROM BIG CONCERTS AND COMPUTICKET

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EVENTS | GUIDE

What’s on

in DURBS DON’T GET COLD FEET 7-9 March

COME FLY WITH ME 21-23 March

Expo

Planning on tying the knot soon? Then make your way to the Durban Exhibition Centre for the NWJ Bridal Show. Visitors will have the opportunity to see more than 100 top wedding specialists, as well as a world-class wedding fashion show. Tickets are R55, available from www.webtickets.co.za.

Please note: Weddings always have lots of marryment.

WATCH PAINT DRY 20-23 March

Aerobatics

North Beach is the place to be to experience some death-defying stunts at the Durban Land, Sea, Air Festival.

This exhilarating event brings together the world’s top aerobatic pilots (although they’re still not as good as our awesome kulula pilots). Plus it’s free! For more info check out www.landseaairfestival.co.za.

Please note: Some planes are so cramped that passengers suffer jet-leg.

Expo

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied

The Durban Exhibition Centre is hosting Decorex Durban 2014, a must-see for anyone with plans on the home décor and design front. Tickets are R85, available from www.webtickets.co.za.

Please note: The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

What’s on the

GARDEN ROUTE

LET’S DO SCIENCE 12-18 March Expo

Consider yourself a bit of a boff, or do you want to become one? Make your way to Grahamstown for the annual Scifest Africa – South Africa’s National Science Festival. The event offers visitors a stimulating and progressive programme featuring 50 exhibitions, 21 lectures, 14 talkshops, 42 workshops, and more than 400 other interactive events. For more info, visit www.scifest.org.za.

Please note: The science teachers stopped dating because there was no chemistry between them.

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EDI T CHO OR’S ICE

ON YER BIKE 21-23 March Motorcycle rally

BURY YOUR NOSE 18-23 March

’S

R Festival ITOICE D E The Knysna Literary O CH Festival takes place at various locations in and around the city, promoting the improvement of the mind through reading, creativity and production. This year promises talks and discussion groups with SA’s leading authors.

For more info go to www. knysnaliteraryfestival.co.za.

Please note: In exorcism literature, possession is ninetenths of the lore.

Breathe in the smell of mud, sweat and petrol at the Buffalo Rally, taking place in Mossel Bay. Make a weekend of it and pitch your tent at the Santos Resort, for R230 per person.

Please note: I don’t know how to put on a helmet – the whole idea goes right over my head.

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EAT | GUIDE

Vleis off Anthony Sharpe gnaws and gnashes his way through the best burger and boerie joints in the country.

Gourmet Boerie Get fancy with the Pure Sophistication boerie, with caramelised onion, goat’s cheese, roast cherry tomatoes, basil pesto and rocket (R64.90).

Shop No 5, Buitenkloof Studios, 8 Kloof St, Gardens, 021 424 4208, www.gourmetboerie.co.za Gibson’s Gourmet Burgers & Ribs The folks behind Balducci’s and Belthazar bring you seriously tasty burgers like the Long Island, with hickory bacon, cheddar and smokey bar-b-que sauce (R95). Grab a deep-fried onion blossom for starters.

Shop 153 Lower Level, V&A Waterfront, 021 418 3660, www.gibsonsburgers.co.za Royale Eatery Look down on Long Street while you munch a Merino – lamb patty topped with Turkish roasted red-pepper pesto, coriander and caramelised onions (R85).

273 Long St, CBD, 021 422 4536, www.royaleeatery.com

Gauteng Gourmet Garage This posh, retro US diner-style restaurant offers a huge selection of burgers, like the kulula.com

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bizarre Peanut Butter Burger, a 200g patty topped with peanut-butter sauce (R79).

Shop 64, Montecasino, William Nicol Dr, Fourways, 011 511 0526, www.gourmetgarage.co.za Thunder Gun Been serving fantastic, no-frills burgers (called guns), for more than 40 years, like the Whizz Gun, topped with a spicy gratedcheese sauce (R67.95).

Shop 5 Palala Centre, Cnr Beyers Naude & Lewisham roads, Blackheath, 011 678 7224, www.thundergun.co.za Maders Butchery Ignore the fascist décor if you can. Amid the pics of PW Botha in the toilet and SADF memorabilia, locals of all kinds chow down on vleis accompanied by pap and relish (about R150 for a meal for two).

816 Paul Kruger Street, Mayville, good luck finding the phone

Unity Brasserie & Bar Serves up Midlands beef burgers like the Mexican, with guacamole, cheddar, sour cream, jalapeños and tomato salsa (R80).

117 Silverton Road, Musgrave, 031 201 3470, unitybar.co.za Bar Ba Coa Argentinians know meat. Sink your teeth into the Fillet Rollo Milanese, a crumbed beef fillet topped with a Milanese sauce and melted mozzarella, on a toasted baguette (R100).

Shop 1 Lighthouse Mall, Cnr Lighthouse Road & Chartwell Drive, Umhlanga Rocks, 087 232 7025, barbacoa.co.za

Garden Route

Durban

East Head Café, Knysna Gaze through the Knysna heads while chowing down on your Camembert Beef Burger with mature camembert and tomato jam (R76).

25 George Rex Drive, Knysna, 044 384 0933, eastheadcafe.co.za

Billy the Bums Big selection of cocktails to wash down the Johnny Chunk Dog, with a Cajun jalapeño sauce, bacon, avo and cheddar (R80).

504 Lilian Ngoyi Rd, Morningside, 031 303 1988, billythebums.co.za

Zebra Crossing, Hermanus This laid-back restaurant serves the huge Crossing Burger, topped with bacon, mushrooms, cheese and fried onion (R65).

21 Main Road, Hermanus, 028 312 3906 MARCH 2014

picture: www.thinkstock.com

Cape Town

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RAISE THE (SALAD) BAR! From leafy green salads and cheese-less pizzas to gluten free pastas, we’ve got the menu to keep your health-based New Year’s resolutions on track. Our food is fresh, clean and healthy. Try one of our delicious salads packed with only the finest ingredients.

And they’re not itty-bitty! A Col’Cacchio pizzeria salad is a meal in itself! Whatever sort of salad you’re after, we’ve got a great selection guaranteed to please.

www.colcacchio.co.za www.facebook.com/colcacchio www.twitter.com/colcacchio

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EAT | GUIDE

Just don’t call it pie…

pictures: www.thinkstock.com, supplied

Anna Trapido goes in search of a quiche that won’t sully your testosterone-laden image.

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN’S 1982 ‘guidebook to all that is truly masculine’, Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, asked, ‘Could John Wayne ever have taken Normandy, Iwo Jima, Korea, the Gulf of Tonkin and the entire Wild West on a diet of quiche?’ Feirstein had his tongue firmly in his cheek, but such was the power of this bestselling book that no man dared to eat the aforementioned meal for two decades.

Then, a couple of years ago, Gordon Ramsay made a quiche Lorraine on the telly, and the recipe was reborn as fellafood for the new millennium. Ramsay’s precise puff pastry and silken savoury custard ushered in an epicurean age in which it is possible for a man to eat quiche and then raise the flag at Iwo Jima … as long as he also knows the correct ratio of egg to cream in said pre-battle snack.

Jamie Oliver’s recent recipe for Tiger’s quiche (goat’s cheese, chives, nutmeg) added a lads-who-lunch flavour to the mix (only real men have friends called Tiger, invariably acquired during the Korean War).

See the bacon-and-onion quiches at chef

Amazing Amarula

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Sean Brice’s Cobblestone Bakery in Port Elizabeth (041 581 0182), or Jo’burg chef Marc Guebert’s at Le Soufflé (011 465 4116), for testosterone-laden tarts worthy of warriors.

These days even the most mindlessly masculine eat quiche. The UK Guardian related the sorry story of two men who broke into Café@Marshalls in Berwickupon-Tweed, Northumberland, at 1am.

Disturbed by a passing police patrol car, the intruders refused to come out of the premises, became violent and armed themselves with cutlery. A fivehour siege ensued – Custer’s last stand garnished with cholesterol and thyme.

‘Apparently they were hungry and wanted some quiche,’ said eatery owner Angela Marshall. ‘There was quite a bit of money in the till, but they didn’t touch it. They just wanted quiche and then it got out of hand.’

Indeed it did. Fancy a spot of alimentary armed robbery? The pear-and-gorgonzola quiches at The Service Station in Melville, Jo’burg (011 726 1701), are worth a fivehour standoff with police.

Whatever the prevailing recipe for manliness, no one disputes that the West could never have been truly wild in the presence of one of those claggy, foil tray-encased supermarket quiches. But a Michelin-starred masterpiece macerated in machismo is quite another matter.

STUCK FOR GREAT gifting ideas? Stress no longer. Amarula has created some great African original concepts to inspire you, with a diversity of suggestions all themed according to the specific interests of those you want to treat. Check them out at www.amarula.co.za/gifts.

From stargazers to book lovers, braaiers to bakers, picnickers to fondue-makers, there’s a gift for everyone who appreciates a tipple. Each concept is presented as a gorgeously styled gift hamper with Amarula as its centrepiece, surrounded by useful accessories.

One lucky khuluma reader stands the chance to win an Amarula cocktail hamper valued at R4 000! To enter, send the words ‘Amarula Gifting Inspirations’, your name and surname, ID number, physical delivery address, and contact details to info@ dkc.co.za. Competition is open to South African residents over the age of 18, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/ kulula.com/Comair Limited. Closing date is 31 March 2014.

MARCH 2014

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SHOP | GUIDE

Step away from the soap

Lize Hartley gives men the lowdown on how to take care of themselves, and still feel manly.

WHEN I FIRST met my now-husband, he was washing his face with soap. In fact, his entire body was washed and moisturised with whatever was on hand – for me, it was like watching a real-life horror show.

Luckily, I arrived just in time to save him from himself with my knowledge, positive influence and subtle force. You see, good grooming is no longer reserved for narcissists and male models who make a living from their face. In fact, being metrosexual is cool. David Beckham does it, women love it, and you’ll thank yourself in 20 years.

pictures: supplied

If you’re feeling even more inventive in the shaving department, use Crabtree & Evelyn Shave Soap. It comes in a manly wooden bowl and it has a camel on it. Totally manly.

You can also buy refill soaps for the bowl.

R400, Style36.co.za

This year’s beard is all about being as rugged as you like – but perfectly always groomed. Ditch your shaving cream and opt for shave gel instead, which allows you full view of your beard while shaving, so you can shape and trim to perfection. There’s a good reason Gillette has been around all these years. Plus you can buy it online.

R65.95, Rubybox.co.za

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Mix it up with Dr Miracle’s Tingling 2-in-1 Dandruff Shampoo & Conditioner. Antidandruff, cleansing, conditioning. Done!

Bonus: It smells like peppermint: delicious, yet manly. R79.95, Rubybox.co.za

Nimue products are scientifically formulated, contain little to no scent, and show noticeable results that will convince any man to invest more time and effort in grooming. This Phyto-Gel Wash is the perfect man cleanser to get your skin clean and fresh before moisturising. Use morning and evening, and massage into skin for one minute to use it as a shaving gel. R328, stockist list available on www.nimue.co.za

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SHOP | GUIDE

Great news for men is that Rubybox.co.za has just launched MANBOX. It’s a subscription service whereby you get sent a box of grooming goodies and samples every month. This is a great way to slowly introduce yourself to new products and broaden your brand horizons. Plus, at R119 a month, which includes delivery to your door, you’re getting a great deal! It’s all about buying before trying, which is essential while you’re still finding your feet when it comes to cosmetic products. R119/month, Rubybox.co.za

While you embrace the metro man inside, do something with your hair, will you? Lock Stock & Barrel’s Original Classic Wax creates definition and shine without making your hair go rock-hard or crispy. R250, Style36.co.za

Men tend to love a multipurpose product more than is wise. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for a versatile product I can use to fulfil more than one role, especially when I travel, but let’s get one thing straight: your face, body and hair need different things. The next time you find yourself reaching for a 5-in-1 product, walk away and take a look at your life. This michaelgameplan Aftershave & Moisturiser, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable. It contains SPF15 so that someday, when you’re 50, you can stalk me online and thank me.

R99.95, Rubybox.co.za

We need to be honest about two things: 1. You are not going to age like George Clooney.

2. George Clooney isn’t ageing the way he is purely because he has freak superhuman freak genes. George looks after himself, and that probably includes a rigorous skincare routine with decent products. And because prevention is better than bad skin, this Clarins Men Line-Control Cream is exactly what you need to apply to your skin every night before bed. Yes, you need different moisturisers for day and night. Daytime is about protection, while nighttime is about repair. Write that down. R400, Woolworths

kulula.com

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MARINA RESIDENTIAL

PARADISE FOUND www.homefromhome.co.za

 APARtmENtS OvERlOOkINg thE yAcht mARINA OR cANAl wAtERwAy FROm ONly R2250

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he saying goes that you should never burn your bridges. We believe that it is harder to build those bridges in the first place.

At Home from Home we understand that your time is precious. You need time to network, socialise and connect with others and often all you need is some time out. Our urban luxury selfcatering accommodation was created to meet your travel needs.

HFH Magazine March®.indd 2 _ToKuluma Check_DPS.indd 2

We provide serviced self-catering homes in Cape Town equipped with modern open plan living areas, spacious bedrooms, private bathrooms and fully equipped kitchens. Stay in a self-catering apartment with access to Wi-Fi, satellite television, pool and fitness facilities.

thE mARINA The Cape harbour was a halfway station for the Dutch East India Company for trading to and from Asia and the “Tavern of the Seas” for many thirsty sailors after long periods at sea. As part of the harbour, the Marina Basin began as a quarry and after a century as a labour compound, workshop and unsightly oil storage tank farm, the Marina Basin was finally revitalised.

Home from Home specialises in providing self-catering luxury accommodation from one, two, to three bedroom apartments in the Marina.

2014/02/04 2:51 4:19PM PM 2014/02/07

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reservations@homefromhome.co.za www.homefromhome.co.za

Visit us, like us and share our Facebook page www.facebook.com/ homefromhome for all current news and promotions!

connected to transPort We also provide airport transfers between Cape Town International Airport and our self-catering hotels. Book your apartment and transport today. All airport transfers can be booked directly with us on +27 (0) 74 556 0602 or email transport@homefromhome.co.za to reserve your seat (costs apply).

HFH Kuluma Magazine _To Check_DPS.indd 3 MarchÂŽ.indd 3

Marina residential | canal quays | harbouredge | icon

2014/02/05 2014/02/07 2:51 9:21 PM AM

Experience the thrills and excitement of Victoria Falls and Hwange 4 fun-filled days of action and relaxation From only

R13 820 per person sharing

Includes 2 nights accommodation in B&B at Victoria Falls Safari Lodge Tour of the Falls, Canopy Tour, transfers and dinner at the famous Boma Restaurant Plus 2 nights on fully inclusive basis at Elephant’s Eye, Hwange Return road transfers to Hwange Full-day game drive and airport transfers (excludes flights)

BOOK TODAY Tel: +27 21 671 7729 info@africanluxuryhideaways.com www.africanluxuryhideaways.com

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SLEEP | GUIDE

Falling for

the Falls Debby Oscroft discovers her inner wild child at Victoria Falls and Hwange National Park.

pictures: supplied

a tori to the e c i V h n The know le of t the p ( e s ar us peo unya ). l l a o F -T ders i-oa igen ind as Mos t thun ha a are moke t s

There’s something of an aura of excitement and anticipation surrounding Zimbabwe’s northwestern corner.

The thought of finally taking in the majesty of the famous Victoria Falls, of a destination filled with action and adventure, and just the right amount of ‘wild’ thrown in for good measure, made my first visit something that I looked forward to for months.

And I wasn’t disappointed. A short, easy flight from OR Tambo makes for a

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pleasurable trip, ending with a friendly face eager to whisk you away for an ice-cold Zambezi beer at the Victoria Falls Safari Lodge. Set in a natural bush environment, adjacent to the Zambezi National Park, the lodge is the perfect place to stay in between days of action and adventure above and below the mighty falls.

I was lucky enough to stay in one of the lodge’s new Victoria Falls Safari Suites, which are fully air-conditioned,

with a master gallery bedroom upstairs, superb vistas over unspoilt bushveld and, of course, those spectacular African sunsets. The six modern safari suites come in two and three-bedroom options, all en suite, and all with spacious lounges and patios. It wasn’t hard to see why the lodge has won the Association of Zimbabwe Travel Agents Award for Best Safari Lodge for 18 consecutive years. I loved the luxurious rooms, breathtaking views and warm hospitality!

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big 5 safari,

roaming free...

10 000 Ha Game Reserve - 1200 Free-Roaming Animals

reservations : +27 (0)214 344 639 | info@inverdoorn.com | www.inverdoorn.com _To Check_fcp.indd 1

2013/12/10 10:59 AM

SLEEP | GUIDE

DRINK UP Sundowners with unusual company at Elephant’s Eye, Hwange.

LOOK MOM, NO HANDS! The Flying Fox is not for the faint of heart.

In full swing Victoria Falls offers a plethora of actionfilled activities to suit adrenaline junkies of all sorts (even the tamer ones). First up was an early-morning tour of the falls for those atmospheric photos.

After that, the canopy tour is a great way to take in the sights, or, if you (literally) want to start the day in full swing, perhaps try the Flying Fox – for those fearless enough to tackle the gorge at full height.

Pack your trunk Once you’re done trying to give yourself a heart attack, a visit to Vic Falls just isn’t complete without seeing the famous Hwange National Park. Named after a local chief, Hwange lies about an hour south of Vic Falls, and boasts an incredible biodiversity of flora and fauna. There are more than 100 species of mammals and nearly 400 bird species recorded in the park, and the resident elephant population is one of the largest in the world.

Just outside the park, on a private, 6 000-acre concession, is the recently opened Elephant’s Eye Hwange eco-lodge, offering an unforgettable opportunity to view African wildlife in an intimate and welcoming setting. Elephant’s Eye has eight tented en-suite chalets with king or twin beds, and can host a maximum of 16 people at any given time. The chalets are spacious and private, with maximum

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SUITE DEAL A Safari Suite master bedroom at Victoria Falls Safari Lodge.

ALL AGLOW Night settles on the new Elephant’s Eye eco-lodge in Hwange.

comfort and authentic modern African detail throughout, as well as great views.

Activities at the lodge include gameviewing, bird-watching, guided bush walks, and night game drives, all with professional local guides. Or you can just kick back and enjoy a sundowner while relaxing near the natural ozone eco-pool.

The lodge’s attention to detail and friendly service put me at ease, as did the breathtaking view from my chalet.

All the chalets look onto a natural watering hole frequented by elephants and other game, making you feel truly at one with the bush. This was one stay that I, much like an elephant, am unlikely ever to forget.

Contact Victoria Falls Safari Lodge +263 134 3201, www.victoria-falls-safari-lodge.com Elephant’s Eye, Hwange 021 671 7729, www.africanluxuryhideaways.com

All of the chalets look onto a natural watering hole frequented by elephants and other game

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The Protea Hotel Balalaika on Maude Street, in Sandton, is located in Johannesburg’s economic heartland.

The hotel’s charming colonial theme is accentuated with wooden elements and delicate floral accents.

The Johannesburg Stock Exchange, Sandton Convention Centre and the city’s most exclusive shopping mall are a short stroll away.

A complimentary shuttle to and from the Gautrain station makes the Balalaika easily accessible.

The hotel is only a 15-minute train ride from O.R Tambo International Airport.

20 Maude Street, Sandton, Johannesburg, South Africa Tel + 27(0)11 322 5000 Email: reservations@balalaika.co.za Website: www.balalaika.co.za

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Watch this…

WATCH | GUIDE

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE

pictures: supplied

Release date: 7 March

The abs are back! The sequel to 2007’s smash hit CGI-and-gore-fest takes place before, during and after the events of the original movie, focussing on the naval battle between the forces of Greek general Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton), and those of the god king Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) and his commander Artemisia (Eva Green). It also deals with the origin story of how Xerxes became so powerful (and, perhaps, explains his taste in jewellery). Expect ridiculously ripped bodies, flying limbs aplenty and hilariously over-the-top speeches in the midst of all the carnage. This is a guilty pleasure if ever there was one.

Anticipatometer: 4/5 ■ ■ ■ ■

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NEED FOR SPEED

LEGO: THE MOVIE

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE

Anthony Sharpe gets his testosterone pumping with three movies that the boys should really appreciate, plus a whole lotta giveaways.

LEGO: THE MOVIE

Release date: 14 March Lego. The word alone is enough to send a shiver of nostalgia down the spine of anyone who grew up during the 80s or 90s. One of the world’s most creative toys has been adapted into a range of movies and games, but this is the big one, with Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell and Liam Neeson, among others, lending their voices to the animated blocky avatars in this tale of an ordinary mini-figure who gets swept up in a battle against the evil Lord Business, who wants to change the Lego world by gluing everything together. It’s a film that simply shouldn’t work, and yet it does – critics are calling it clever, inventive and hilarious. One for the child in everyone.

Anticipatometer: 5/5 ■ ■ ■ ■

NEED FOR SPEED

Release date: 20 March From an adaptation of a classic toy to one of a classic video game … this time it’s the Need for Speed franchise’s chance for a shot at the big screen. Breaking Bad star Aaron Paul plays blue-collar mechanic and street racer Tobey Marshall, who is framed for a manslaughter by wealthy, arrogant ex-NASCAR driver Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper). After his release from prison, Marshall sets out on a near-impossible race across the country seeking revenge and redemption. This one ain’t gonna reinvent the wheel (nor the rest of the car), but it promises standard genre fare that harks back to the spirit of the car-culture movies of the 70s.

Anticipatometer: 3/5 ■ ■ ■

Giveaways

It’s March merchandise madness at the movies this month! We’ve got five epic 300: Rise of an Empire hampers; five playful Lego: The Movie hampers; and two blistering Need for Speed hampers to give away. To enter, check out www.khulumaonline.co.za and click on the Competitions tab. Competitions are open to all South African residents, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Nu Metro/Times Media Ltd/kulula.com/Comair Limited, and close 31 March 2014.

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FOR BOOKINGS +260 (0) 211 254 605 (Zambia) +27 (0) 21 430 5300 (South Africa) reservations@proteahotels.co.zm proteahotels.com

EXPERIENCE QUALITY AND LUXURY AT ITS BEST.

PROTEA HOTEL CHIPATA CHIPATA

PROTEA HOTEL LUSAKA LUSAKA

PROTEA HOTEL CAIRO ROAD LUSAKA

SOUTHERN BELLE OPERATED BY PROTEA HOTELS LAKE KARIBA

LET’S EXPLORE ZAMBIA. Experience the vibrant city of Lusaka, Zambia’s capital city, with a stay at Protea Hotel Cairo Road and Protea Hotel Lusaka. Indulge in luxury in Zambia’s most picturesque Copperbelt town with a visit to Protea Hotel Chingola or stay in a private game reserve in a tranquil setting at Protea Hotel Safari Lodge. Protea Hotel Livingstone provides luxury and style along with a wide range of adventure activities, situated only 10 minutes from the “smoke that thunders” – Victoria Falls. Located on the outskirts of Chipata and en route to South Luangwa National Park or Malawi, enjoy the unique standards of Protea Hotel Chipata.

The Southern Belle, situated on Lake Kariba, is one of the largest houseboats in Southern Africa and provides an unforgettable experience. Well known for its beautiful sunsets, spectacular views and range of activities, Lake Kariba, one of the largest man-made lakes in the world, provides the perfect setting for the ultimate cruise experience.

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READ | GUIDE

library lounge

Richard Noble flips his way through opinion, investigation and oenophilia this month.

The World According to Clarkson: Volume 5

Wineries of the Cape

pictures: supplied

Jeremy Clarkson Penguin Once again Jeremy Clarkson has delivered a side-splittingly hilarious book: The World According to Clarkson: Volume 5.

In a world that simply will not see reason, Clarkson buckles up once again and sets off in his ceaseless quest to navigate a path through all the silliness and idiocy. And, every once in a while, he finds something absolutely blooming fantastic along the way. Pithy and provocative, this is Clarkson at his best, taking issue with whatever is the latest nonsense to disrupt his search for brilliance.

Why should we be forced to accept stuff that’s a bit rubbish? Shouldn’t things work? Shouldn’t someone care?

I mean, is it really too much to ask? It’s a good thing Jeremy, without fear or favour, is still doing the asking. If you’re a Clarkson fan, it’s a must-read, and if you’ve never touched his stuff before, you’d better catch up.

Jeremy Clarkson began his writing career on the Rotherham Advertiser. He now writes for the Sun and the Sunday Times, and is the tallest person working in British television.

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Sibanda and the Rainbird CM Elliott Jacana If you’re a crime-novel fan, you have to get your hands on a copy of CM Elliot’s Sibanda and the Rainbird, set in the African Bush. The book tells the tale of shrewd detective inspector Jabulani Sibanda, a highly knowledgeable, cultured, bush-savvy policeman in contemporary Africa, stationed at a large village on the borders of a national park.

The story opens with the discovery of a gruesomely vulture-mutilated corpse in a park, near Thunduluka Lodge.

Sibanda comes to the conclusion that the victim has been murdered for body parts. Clues to the case include tyre tracks, a knife inscribed with the letter ‘B’, and a sliver of blue metallic car paint, all of which lead Sibanda on several fraught journeys in search of answers.

This is a gentle tale with brush strokes of violence, one that touches on themes encompassing history, politics, brutality in war, marriage, betrayal and greed.

Lindsaye McGregor & Erica Moodie Jonathan Ball From historic gabled manor houses to contemporary wineries, quirky family-run farms to iconic estates, country picnics to world-class fine-dining restaurants, the Cape winelands offer a diversity of visitor experiences, all within an easy hour’s drive of the city. But how do you choose where to go, what to taste and what to do when time is limited and options are vast?

Well, this book makes it a little easier, profiling 56 of the Cape’s must-visit wineries.

Wineries of the Cape is an entertaining and informative guide to the region’s best wineries. The book has handy regional maps and beautiful photographs, and shares a wealth of practical information that will ensure that you experience the very best of the winelands – whether you’re a local or a firsttime visitor.

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LISTEN | GUIDE

Home grooves

Claire Martens finds talented musical men aplenty on the local scene.

Knave

Red Huxley

pictures: supplied

With Wings Independent When Knave first alighted on the local underground scene with their debut, Polarity, it was impossible to feel that you could get enough. These guys produce an addictive brand of hard rock, with an ability to create meaningful and accessible songs through well-structured songwriting, pulsing riffs and trouble-laden lyrics.

Three albums later and their power has hardly diminished. With Wings is a sonic cascade of their particular groove, with a driving rhythm that makes you feel as if you could take off if the volume were loud enough.

Regretfully, turning up the volume is not going to improve the production on this album.

Reviewing their CDs means sounding like a stuck record, because the production of all of their albums tend to be washed out, diminishing the otherwise perfect gravitas of a good, solid and underrated local rock band.

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Nothing More Independent Red Huxley have been kicking around the Cape Town scene for a good few years after making a solid entrance with their appetising, if brief, EP. Their equally succinct album Nothing More was released following a lucky break – or maybe a blessing from the gods of music.

Recorded in the US by Dave Catching, producer/guitarist of rock band Eagles of Death Metal, the album holds so much promise. But then, so did their EP. While not exactly disappointing, Nothing More could have given … er, more. Including some of their old tracks in the album meant reducing their chances to prove their calibre as a trio.

The album seems uninspired, even if it’s consistent. Their strongest member is still front man Dylan Jones, who has perfected the garage-rock riff, but he can’t do the job of three. The one beacon of hope is their brand new track, ‘Calling Me’, in which they’ve brought the desert home with them.

Shane Cooper Oscillations African Dope Jazz bassist Shane Cooper’s career dawned last year – an auspicious beginning for a deserving young musician. After being named 2013 Standard Bank Young Artist of the Year for Jazz, as well as being selected as one of the Mail & Guardian’s 200 Young South Africans, he released his debut, Oscillations, to critical acclaim.

Produced by Cooper and Carlo Mombelli, it features a multitude of similarly exciting jazz musicians, who contribute towards a breathtaking album of lengthy songs characterised by quiet and respectful fluctuations of sounds.

While the bass is the strong foundation of the album, the persuasive passion of saxophonists Justin Bellairs and Buddy Wells, and the burning solos of guitarist Reza Khota give it just the right layering.

With freedom to explore, the result is at peace with itself. It’s as modern as it is classic, and as consistent as it is adventurous.

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Play with this Battle giant robots, reap souls and shape your world as you see fit. The power is in your thumbs.

ase

le New re

Titanfall

text and pictures: BT Games

Robots! Giant robots! Also, jetpacks and parkour. But mostly giant robots. This new first-person shooter has all of those things, and as a multiplayer-only but still narrative-driven title, it’s eager to break new ground in the crowded FPS market.

Titanfall takes its name from the Titans that inhabit it. They’re massive, heavily armed and armoured robots that can be called in by all players on the map, who can then hop into their respective juggernauts to bombard the enemy team with seriously heavy firepower.

The game’s not all Titans, though, and you’re still able to use your jetpack and wall-running abilities to zip nimbly around the map and overcome your foes.

The result is a game that is incredibly fun whether you’re inside your robot or on foot. Maps have a player limit of 12 (six per team), which may not seem like much, but when you consider that there are AI-controlled soldiers on each map, and that Titans can still continue to fight on their own, even without pilots to control them, there’s more than enough action unfolding on each incrediblelooking futuristic battleground.

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kulula.com

2014/02/21 9:31 AM

GAMES | GUIDE

ase

le New re

Diablo III: Reaper of Souls Just when you thought all of Sanctuary was safe, some new evil rises up to undo all your hard work from the initial release of Diablo III. But that’s what game expansions are all about, really: giving you a few more things to kill, as well as new ways in which to do so.

Reaper of Souls introduces a new playable character – the Crusader – who mixes defensive and offensive abilities, with his shield mastery and weapons imbued with holy power. All other character classes have also been given a bit of an update, with an increased level cap and new skills available. And, as you’d expect, there’s an entirely new act to play through, set in the medieval urban sprawl that is Westmarch and the Pandemonium Fortress. There’s also the new Adventure Mode, which allows you to travel freely through the massive game world at your leisure.

lease New re The LEGO Movie Videogame Ah, the old ‘game of the movie of the toys’. We just need to get a book in there somewhere. LEGO continues to prove that it’s got what it takes to stay with the times, with this title drawing from the best of the slew of LEGO games before

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it, as well as the hilarity of the film.

Much of the gameplay will be familiar to anyone who’s picked up a LEGO game in the past, and features plenty of building (and breaking).

It also includes much of the film’s star-studded cast, including Will Arnett (as Batman!), Parks and Recreation’s Chris Pratt, and Charlie Day of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Fun fact: Will Arnett has performed voice work in a few video games, most notably the starring role in the delicious cheese-fest that was Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard. Check out btgames.co.za to get the Toy Edition featuring a Lego mini toy!

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10/4/13 4:43 2013/10/14 9:50 PM AM

GADGETS | GUIDE

It’s a guy thing James Matthew flexes his muscles with this month’s glut of gizmos.

NSD Power Spinner

So, boys dig sports, right? Give any aspiring Olympian the opportunity to shine by shoving one of these into his hands. The Power Spinner is basically a precisioncontrolled contained bearing that, when switched on, tries its darnedest to escape its housing. All one needs to do to get a hefty wrist and arm workout is hang on for dear life. You can expect improved flexibility and enhanced fine-muscle control with regular use. Don’t forget to use in combination with regular sustained practice on the sports field of your choice.

Available at thegadgetshop.co.za for R199.

Silva Field MS Compass

I know your smartphone has an app (or dozens) that approximates, swivels, points and gyrates on command. I also know it can tell you exactly where you are on planet earth at the touch of a button, but you never quite know when you might land up stranded, 3G-less, in some unplugged hinterland.

Don’t look the fool out in the wilderness; nab an ageless tool that can get you from A to Z, even without a QWERTY. The safety-release lanyard and map-measuring rulers round out a down-to-earth gadget that, in the right circumstances, could be deemed priceless.

R253 from takealot.com.

Cafféluxe Verona Espresso Machine

It’s a hyper-speed world out there and those who can’t stand the pace tend to get left behind, friends.

Being tired is for sissies! Cafféluxe takes the guesswork out of crafting the perfect kickstarter for your supercharged day. Use this no-brainer espresso machine in conjunction with Cafféluxe’s extensive range of coffee capsules and never experience insipid java again. It also takes Nespresso capsules. Don’t you think it’s time to dial in your morning jolt?

R1 329 from bidorbuy.co.za, capsules start at R45 for a pack of 10.

pictures: supplied

Men’s Health Quick Adjustment Resistance Bands

There is a washboard stomach inside every man. One of the quests in many a man’s life is to discover that flat plane, that holy grail of masculinity. Realise, however, that many have been vanquished in that quest and remain softened by the defeat.

So, don’t become just another statistic. Take the power in your hands. And ... stretch.

Literally. These resistance bands allow you to do a mean total-body workout just about anywhere, to push your metabolism into overdrive and sear away your gut.

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kulula.com

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ll, k footba l a t k r a dM CornĂŠ an eadbutts h g n i y fl fire and s travel k l a t e i n Jean osterone and test

Opener Chat Mar.indd 49

Join the...

CHAT

Chris exercises his licence to thrill with CornĂŠ Krige, Mark Fish and Jeannie D.

2014/02/20 2:40 PM

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2014/01/30 3:12 8:27PM AM 2014/02/07

survivors | CHAT

You’ve been voted off the

pitch

The latest season of Survivor pits sporting legends CornĂŠ Krige and Mark Fish against each other. Chris Forrest got caught in the crossfire.

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survivors | CHAT

Corné Krige: Definitely rugby players.

I heard a great quote yesterday about Robert Mugabe. I think it was Putin who said playing chess with Robert Mugabe is like playing chess with a dove. It flies off, knocks over all the pieces, poops all over the table and then struts around like it’s won. So I think that’s how it would be playing against Mark.

CF: Finally, who would win in a game of chest – with a ‘t’?

CK: [Laughs] Footballers. I’ll give them that one.

CF: Did you guys know each other before you went on the island?

MF: We’d met a couple of times, and before we went to the island, we played a game of golf together. I knew Corné relatively well, but being on the island, I got to know him a lot better.

CF: When you played golf together, did you spend a lot of time in the sand there as well?

MF: We don’t actually talk about that golf day, because I was playing against him and we were four holes up with four to play, and Corné and his partner came back and they halved the game. So yeah, do I need to say any more?

CK: It was a psychological victory, if not a physical one. I got my first psychological blow in for Survivor.

CF: So that makes you the better swinger, Corné?

CK: Which isn’t a good thing.

CF: [Laughs] Okay. So what was the hardest thing about being on the island?

CK: The hunger. Being hungry for long periods of time isn’t something that I or anybody I know has experienced. It was unbelievable. It was just ridiculous.

CF: Would you say being on the island was easier than Kamp Staaldraad?

CK: [Laughs] Much tougher.

CF: Did you have to listen to the haka?

CK: No, it was tougher, because Staaldraad was only three days. The 18 days were what made it tough.

pictures: tertius meintjies, trevor crighton

Chris Forrest: Thank you for joining us here. First question. Which do you think are tougher – rugby or football players?

Mark Fish: Football players; they’re generally underestimated. Rugby players look hard and stuff, but I think this is a different degree of toughness. I’m mostly thinking about a certain group of footballers who are tough, though – some of them are nancies.

CF: Well, as long as we’re all in agreement … but then I must ask, because I once saw Corné, in a match against England, pull off a thing I call the ‘flying head butt’.

MF: [Laughs] Well, you pick your fights CF: Mark, do you ever think that you could pull off the flying head butt in a football game?

MF: No. That’s why I say, pick your fights.

But don’t underestimate footballers; they tend to headbutt you when you least expect it.

CF: Okay, well that’s one for the footballers. Next question: who would win in a game of chess?

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survivors | CHAT

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Interview 1 26.indd 55

CF: If you were asked to do Survivor again, would you do it?

CK: I’m not sure I would, no.

CF: Since you’ve been home, when you have a braai, do you use firelighters or do you rub two sticks together?

CK: [Laughs] Firelighters aren’t even good enough; I use a gas lighter and it doesn’t leave there until the wood burns.

MF: I’ve been told that I can’t braai, so when I go to a braai, I’m told to just stand around and watch someone start the fire, and give someone room to do the braai.

CF: And do you eat chicken and lamb chops still, or have you changed to rat and mice?

MF: Fortunately we didn’t eat rat and mice; we ate coconut. I haven’t eaten coconut since and don’t think I ever will.

CK: I eat more meat. I wake up in a cold sweat thinking that I’m back on the island, and so I eat meat.

CF: [Laughs] So you have a steak next to your bed, just in case…

CK: I just munch on a piece of biltong.

CF: Now Mark, you played for Cosmos and then got signed by Pirates. When you were on the island, did you consider signing for Somali pirates?

MF: [Laughs] I have to stick to Orlando Pirates. You know, once a Pirate, always a pirate. You don’t jump ship.

CK: Mark actually got me to support Orlando Pirates, but the way I understood it, the two aren’t far off, actually.

CF: [Laughs] It’s not a good time to be supporting Pirates. They’ve been in four cup finals and they haven’t won anything. Mark, one thing I like about you is how you told Alex Ferguson that you didn’t want to play for him.

MF: That’s a very big misconception.

I never said I didn’t want to play for him; it’s just that, at the time, Lazio were just

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survivors | CHAT

as good as Man United, and they were a lot keener. And if you look at British women versus Italian women, you’ll know why I chose Lazio.

CF: [Laughs] Fantastic. Love your work there as well. Was the island the toughest thing you’ve ever done?

MF: I think, emotionally, it became the toughest thing I’ve ever done, definitely.

Physically, I think your body adapts and you cope with things.

CF: How long were you there for?

MF: Twenty-seven days.

CF: Who won?

MF: I don’t know the results, and I still wouldn’t tell you if I knew. The final show is done live. I know who’s got a chance to win, but I don’t know who’s won.

CF: Oh, I was hoping it would just be between you, me and the bookies.

MF: I gathered that.

CF: So now that you’ve spent some time on the island, are you considering a career in politics?

MF: I am, actually – good question.

Politics, I suppose, it’s a bit like being on the island – you just do what you want.

CF: [Laughs] So what, in your opinion, makes a man manly?

MF: I would have to say, considering your partner, and as a leader, considering your teammates – they should come before you.

CF: And Corné, what is the cheesiest pick-up line you’ve ever used, and did it work?

CK: I’ve never used a cheesy line, ever.

Not my game.

CF: That sounds like a lie right away.

CK: It’s the truth.

CF: [Laughs] Guys, thank you. It’s been great chatting to you.

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Corné glued to had his knee anaesth gether withou etic t it badly after cutting on coral .

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2013/11/15 11:45 AM

presenter | CHAT

D is for

danger...

She’s a model and presenter, has her own clothing range and perfume, and drives a friggin Aston Martin. Sultry Bondesque girl Jeannie D chats to Chris Forrest.

Chris Forrest: Hi Jeannie. Thank you for asking me to interview you.

Jeannie D: My absolute pleasure.

CF: I’ve always been a really big fan of your body…

JD: [Laughs] CF: … er, of work.

JD: [Laughs] CF: So you started out at a very young age. Did you always want to be a presenter on Top Billing?

JD: I always did, my whole life.

CF: Did you use to practise by going to people’s houses on show days?

JD: Actually, I would practise by going to, like, family members’ homes, and I would crit their houses.

CF: [Laughs]

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2014/02/20 2:21 PM

Available at Timberland stores nationwide.

To locate the nearest store, visit us on Timberlandwatches or @Timberlandwatches.

For further information visit www.cjr.co.za, call 011-257-6000 or e-mail info@cjr.co.za

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2014/02/20 9:17 AM

pictures: kevin mark pass, sian chapman

presenter | CHAT

JD: I really would. ‘What were you thinking with these curtains?’ But I suppose when you’re nine, you can get away with it.

CF: Your family, did they all have really nice houses?

JD: Uh, I think we’ve got a sliding scale from really nice houses to not-so-hot houses. We’re Portuguese – there are so many people, so there are lots of houses to choose from.

CF: I went to school with a lot of Portuguese people.

JD: Okay, I’m sorry. No, they’re actually wonderful people. [Laughs] CF: So, our magazine this month is largely based on masculinity. How would you define masculinity?

JD: Jeez, why don’t we start with the easy stuff? [Laughs] Masculinity is ...

I don’t know. When I think of a man, I think of chivalry, which is something that’s really important to me. Masculinity is also about being aware of your weaknesses, I think. And I like testosterone; I like a man to be a real man.

CF: I’m glad you said ‘tosterone’, because I wasn’t sure at first there…

JD: [Laughs] You know, my boyfriend’s quite gruff; he’s very manly, but he’s also incredibly kind and very generous. He’s just got the most beautiful spirit, but he’s definitely the alpha in our household.

CF: So then what would be better for you: a muscle car, a muscle dinner, or a big muscle – as in pecs or biceps?

JD: Well, I’ve got my own Aston Martin, so I don’t need a man to have one. I think I would want a man to have a big heart.

CF: Nice. So you’re doing a lot of travelling now?

JD: Yes. CF: Which country would you say has the manliest men?

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Interview 26.indd 61

JD: Yoh! South Africa. South African men are fantastic.

CF: I keep telling my wife that.

And she doesn’t believe me.

If you were to take me out on a date, where would you take me?

JD: I’d take you either to Mozambique or Botswana, the Okavango Delta. I believe that more people need to travel. South Africans, especially, need to travel within their own continent before they go overseas, because we’ve got the most incredible places on our doorstep.

CF: So you’d take me to Mozambique. Wouldn’t you feel weird, because I’m married?

JD: I probably wouldn’t, because I travel with men all the time. I’m not on holiday when I travel, so…

CF: You’re not on holiday? Your whole life is a holiday.

JD: No, it’s really work. I work really hard.

CF: I follow you on Twitter, so I can see how hard you’re working.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Masculinity is also about being aware of your weaknesses

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presenter | CHAT

sy itrual ands, c r e nd y a ith flo le not er, t i Fru tes w midd f amb nilla no dy va eo in top y-woo se not n and expla c spi h a ba a bea bably ttle. i w t , tonkld pro he bo t u sk mu is wo ize of s – th the JD: [Laughs] CF: So, speaking of working, you’ve brought out your own perfume, and it’s called Jeannie in a Bottle. How many times have you heard jokes about people rubbing you?

JD: Well, that’s exactly why I came up with that. I heard those jokes before I even came out with the perfume.

CF: Do you wear your own fragrance?

JD: I do.

CF: Have you considered exploring other business options, like a line of clothing, for instance?

JD: I’ve done a line of clothing already.

CF: Ah. Then could I give you some suggestions, like a woolly hat? You could call it the Beannie D. Or how

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Interview 26.indd 63

about a line of men’s denims; you could call them Jeannie Ds. Your slogan could be ‘Get in Jeannie’s pants’.

JD: [Laughs] If I use that, are we going to have copyright issues? Or is that gonna be mine?

CF: It’s my gift to you.

JD: Fabulous. So there you go; if you’re reading this, I own the intellectual property that’s just been given to me. Thank you.

CF: Are you going to see Eminem?

JD: I’m absolutely going to see Eminem.

CF: Cause I heard a quote from you where you said that Eminem is the Shakespeare of our generation. Did you really say that?

JD: Oh my gosh. I said that in a funny moment on the Gareth Cliff show and

now everbody’s, like, ‘Sheez, that dumb girl. Has she ever read Shakespeare?’

That wasn’t how I meant it. I meant in the way that he effortlessly paints words that relate intensely to his emotions. I think he’s quite amazing.

CF: I agree with you, but I just want to check quickly if you can tell the difference. I’m going to read you one passage from Shakespeare and one

by Eminem.

JD: [Laughs] Okay, let’s see.

CF: ‘Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes; Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet; A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.’

That’s the first one; the next one goes: ‘That’s the route you probably want me to take, cause you’re just dying to know what I think and my take on some other rappers; If I was to say something about Paul Wall, you’d probably c*** in your pants; Cause I’m white and he’s white.’

JD: Well, the first one is definitely Eminem, because it’s so beautiful and poetic. [Laughs] CF: I thought you’d get that right. Well done. That was Eminem from his early days; the second one was Shakespeare.

JD: When he was on drugs.

CF: I think he was on drugs the whole time. Do you sing?

JD: I do, but it doesn’t sound very good.

I actually sing better in Afrikaans than I do in English.

CF: Are you Afrikaans?

JD: No. CF: I rap better in Afrikaans.

JD: I can honestly rap in Afrikaans.

CF: Can you?

JD: You don’t want to hear.

CF: And that’s a rap!

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ice-swimming | LOCAL HERO

Polar bears n’tt wear don’ wetsuits

the speedo club Don’t let the Speedos fool you. Ram Barkai, Andrew Chin, Toks Viviers, Ryan Stramrood and Kieron Palframan – the founders of the International Ice Swimming Association – are hardcore athletes with nearsuperhuman abilities.

pictures: keith bain, supplied

A Speedo, neoprene cap and goggles – plus a whole lot of crazy. That’s the packing list for the daredevil adventures undertaken by Cape Town’s human polar bears.

Keith Bain shivers in empathy as he finds out what ice swimming’s all about.

Face-to-face, Ryan Stramrood seems perfectly sane. That’s when he’s fully dressed, on dry land.

But put this man – near-naked – in freezing-cold water, and he’s a machine.

That’s my impression, not his. He’s convinced he’s an ordinary guy simply pushing himself to the edge.

He says it’s an edge he doesn’t really want to find. He says if he crosses that edge, he’ll die. He skips over the word ‘die’ as if he’s a little worried his curiosity and bravado might one day take him there.

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Superhuman?

Ice swimming probably belongs in the realm of science fiction. It’s farfetchedsounding enough to have granted Lewis Pugh global acclaim, and earned fellow South African, Ram Barkai, a spot on Stan Lee’s TV series Superhuman. Like Lewis and Ram, Ryan is part of a team of Capetonians who’ve developed a taste for something both death-defying and beyond the rational.

Ryan’s certain there’s no polar bear gene. He believes that with the right

training and proper mental attitude, ice swimming is within reach of ordinary people. Having said that, he’s done some pretty out-of-the-ordinary swims. He’s swum 1km in a pool cut into the ice in Siberia; been part of the relay team that crossed the Bering Strait; swum around Cape Horn; and twice crossed the Straits of Gibraltar.

Some of these involve long, punishing distances across rough, open waters, but ice swimming involves a ferocious kind of cold that humans can withstand for only

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CONNECT TO CAPE TOWN M

yCiTi welcomes visitors to the Mother City. Cape Town’s safe, reliable, convenient bus system, MyCiTi is the perfect way to access some of the most famous tourist and leisure destinations.

Explore the city’s historic heart – from Greenmarket Square to the Grand Parade, the Bo-Kaap, Castle and District 6 and the Company’s Garden. Unwind in the entertainment zones of Long and Kloof streets and Green Point. Visit the V&A Waterfront, Africa’s premier shopping and leisure destination. Cool down

in sparkling waters at Camps Bay, the Sea Point Pavilion and Bloubergstrand.

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For more info call the Transport Information Centre (toll-free 24/7) 0800 65 64 63. Visit www.myciti.org.za

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ice-swimming | LOCAL HERO

how cold?

Ryan Stramrood says he gets more cold-induced panic wading into Camps Bay than he does diving into 0°C water.

ear, ast y ieron l e tim dK This Ram an first to he e n, Rya came th inside t le be a mi Circle. m i c i w s Arct

so long. Beyond guts and determination, pulling off an ‘ice mile’ requires a willingness to put yourself through hell.

Ryan got into swimming in 2000 – initially in a pool, to get fit. Mates suggested training for the infamous Robben Island-to-Blouberg swim, considered a milestone for open-water swimmers, particularly challenging because of the cold.

Completing this ignited a passion for long-distance coastal swims and, eventually, with some mates, he crossed the English Channel, the Holy Grail of distance swims, with Kieron Palframan.

But things still needed to get crazier.

The cold switch It was long-time swimming buddy, Ram Barkai – already well-known for his ice-water escapades, having set the Guinness Record for the most-southerly swim in 2008 – who flipped Ryan’s switch

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to ice swimming. Ram organised a swim in Fraserburg, a Karoo town just north of Sutherland, and dragged Ryan along.

‘Fraserburg got me started,’ says Ryan.

‘I tried colder and colder water, which gets harder and harder. It messes you up mentally.’

Of course, the anguish isn’t only mental. Ice swimming brings a series of very real physical shutdowns. ‘When I dive into water nudging zero, I don’t feel it. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m so psyched, or if the nerves don’t understand what’s happening, but there’s less cold-induced panic than I get wading into Camps Bay. However, I immediately feel my hands swelling into big paddles.’

Those swollen paddles soon start affecting the swim. ‘We’re initially able to move quite efficiently, but increasingly each stroke becomes a major effort.

When you dive into 0°C water, blood

rushes from your extremities to protect your core and vital organs. So your arms start to numb. You don’t even know you have arms, in fact.

‘Your fingers start separating because your muscles shorten. You start to swallow water because your face is numb and you can’t sense what your mouth is doing, so you gulp water when trying to breathe. You stop and splutter, and then have to get yourself going again.

But when you break your stride, you also realise the kind of physical danger you’re in, and your body goes into distress. It’s a horrible feeling. Most of the training we do is to get comfortable with that physical feeling.’

Much of this discomfort is a result of blood rushing to protect the organs. It keeps the core and vitals functioning so these swimmers can keep going. But it’s an anatomic survival strategy that cannot last forever.

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ice-swimming | LOCAL HERO

You know you’ll die if you keep going forever. It’s about figuring how close you can get without going over the edge.

It’s straightforward science. Either your body is going to warm the entire ocean, or it’s going to cool you down.’

– Ryan Stramrood, The drop The real danger, Ryan says, is what happens after emerging from the water.

‘It gets quite granular towards the end of an ice mile. It takes so much out of you, and you end up with a tiny tunnel of consciousness. What we do takes us way past a point where we would be able to bring ourselves back,’ Ryan explains.

‘So, if there’s no one there to help us get out and warm up, I figure we would die.

Hypothermia is actually quite a pleasant way to go. But it sneaks up on you.

‘Once out of the water, the body starts releasing that warm blood back to your extremities. When it reaches your fingers and toes, though, they’re so cold that the blood rapidly cools and causes your core temperature to drop very quickly, which is debilitating.’ It’s called ‘after-drop’.

‘You survive the swim, but 10 minutes later, you’re dead.’ That’s the edge he refers to: the moment when death is so breathtakingly close, it’s essential there’s someone to wrap you with blankets, get you into a sauna, give you hot chocolate – anything to get a bit of heat into the body.

Of course, there’s also a level exhilaration in that, as Ryan explains.

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more clarke kent than superman Ryan insists he’s just an average guy who’s trained himself to do something extraordinary.

‘There’s a euphoric feeling when you come out of the water and start to go into afterdrop. During a 45 to 60-minute recovery period, you go from not shivering to a state where you’re wide-eyed, pupils dilated, unable to talk or follow what’s being said.

You’re only just aware of what’s happening.

‘Then you come out of that and feel excruciating pain, like a hammer smashing every finger, every toe. But when you emerge from that, you can actually feel yourself turning a corner, a very physical sensation of recovery. That feeling is very euphoric. It’s probably why we do it.’

Taking it to the edge ‘We’re not immune to cold,’ Ryan insists.

‘We don’t have superhuman heatgenerating ability. I’m the quintessential Average Joe. I’ve trained myself to do something I thought impossible.

‘I haven’t yet found my cut-off point.

I push myself to where I think it’s the limit, and once I’ve recovered, I think I probably could have pushed another 100m.’

Together with Ram and four others, Ryan returns this month from the latest heart-stopping adventure. If they’re successful, the South Africans will have

achieved the most southerly ice mile to date, the first-ever attempt within the Antarctic Circle.

‘We go as mates. Self-funded. Often enlisting some seadog boat captain to take us to a starting point. And then we dive in. Our message isn’t much bigger than that the average oke can achieve crazy dreams. We don’t want to be looked up to, but we’d love to encourage other people to get off the couch and try something amazing. That’s our vibe.’

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LOCAL HERO | ICE-SWIMMING

FLYING THE FLAG These guys aren’t afraid to be the butt of jokes about hoisting their colours.

The SEAL Trust

Ryan and co don’t just do this crazy stuff for kicks. They’re trustees of the SEAL Trust, which identifies disadvantaged swimmers and swimming programmes, and provides them with sustainable support in an attempt to nurture and promote new talent, and help bring swimming to disadvantaged communities.

‘We come across many causes and issues urgently requiring attention, and we try to do our best,’ says Ryan. ‘We talk in schools and other institutions and donate all the proceeds to the trust, which supports kids requiring assistance in developmental areas, as well as established programmes that teach swimming coaches so they in turn are well equipped to teach kids to swim.

And, most of all, we promote the human spirit and the need to lead healthy, active lifestyles.’

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The real polar bear club The brainchild of Ram Barkai, who acts as chairman, the International Ice Swimming Association is a Cape Townbased organisation pushing the extreme swimming envelope. Ryan, Toks Viviers, Kieron Palframan and Andrew Chin are founding members and sit on the board.

‘While searching for challenges,’ says Ryan, ‘we realised there were people doing various gutsy-sounding swims – long, cold, whatever. Plus people who cut holes in the ice, jumped in and out of the water wearing funny hats, claiming they’d done an ice “swim”.’ There was no way of measuring records because there was no standard. ‘We formed a standardising body and made ice swimming a sport.’

An official ice swim is one mile long.

That’s 1 609m. And there are some rules.

Swimmers wear a Speedo-type brief costume, a neoprene cap and goggles.

No wetsuits. It must happen outdoors.

And the water must be 5°C or less. You need to prove what you’ve done with three thermometers and an affidavit.

People who successfully qualify get a certificate, a red jacket and a badge, and there’s official recognition in a book of records.

The South Africans sent their drafted ground rules out to other ice-swimming organisations around the world, and were promptly invited to an event in Siberia where the standard practice is cutting 25m pools in frozen lakes and then doing dashes – 25m, 50m or maybe 100m sprints in 0.3°C water.

‘Full of daring, we said we’d swim 1km. So we arrived full of bravado and testosterone, and walked into the teeth of -33°C. I got the biggest fright of my life,’ says Ryan. ‘I’d never experienced that level of cold before, but there was no chickening out. We had less than 24 hours between stepping off the plane and diving into ice-cold water. I was too scared to take one of my gloves off, never mind stripping down to my Speedo.

‘Our reputations on the line, we did a kilometre and it exploded our names in that part of the world. Back home, most people don’t give a damn, but we’re quite big in Siberia.’

Ryan, Ram, and other members of Cape Town’s edge-seeking swimming fraternity meet every Sunday in Camps Bay for a social swim behind the breakers.

Joining them might mean the start of a new addiction. Find out more at internationaliceswimming.com.

kulula.com

2014/02/20 6:00 PM

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Bromancing the stone Some are rough and rugged, others hardcore and hair-raising.

The best will leave you feeling like a new man, ready to conquer the world.

Keith Bain makes a few suggestions for your next mancation – a getaway or adventure you’re best off pursuing with a bosom, er, buddy.

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ADVENTURES FOR REAL MEN | TRAVEL

pictures: supplied, cherie vale/newsport media, stephen m votaw, ian griffiths

Learn to fend for yourself ‘SURVIVAL IS NOT about being fearless,’ he says. ‘It’s about making a decision, getting on and doing it.’ Easy for him to say; he’s an experienced mountaineer, adventurer extraordinaire and trained SAS soldier. He’s known worldwide for teaching men (and women) how to survive in the wild, feasting on raw goat’s testicles and bathing in icy rivers without screaming like a girl. With seven seasons of Discovery Channel’s Man vs Wild behind him, Bear Grylls is, to some, the toughest man on earth.

If the TV image is anything to go by, he’s always keen to pass on his extreme survival skills, teaching wide-eyed acolytes how to stand on their own two feet when faced with that scariest of unknown adversaries: Mother Nature.

With his successful Survival Academy concept operating in the Scottish Highlands since 2012, in January Grylls launched his first African Survival Academy near Victoria Falls. Operating in the Stanley and Livingstone Private Game Reserve, the Grylls-designed programme introduces a bunch of useful outdoorsy skills, as well as a few culinary challenges. Based on skills Grylls depended on during years with the British Special Forces, the academy aims to enable you to deal with extreme wilderness conditions, plucking up the courage to self-rescue against tough odds in harsh terrain.

Besides fire-lighting techniques, emergency shelter building, knife skills and unarmed combat, extreme-weather survival, rappelling, river crossings, Tyrolean traverses and scrambling, participants are introduced to foraging

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I LOVE YOU, BRO Just because you’re in the saddle with your best friend doesn’t mean you have to spend time on Brokeback Mountain.

for grubs and rodents, and no survival course goes by without tucking into a self-prepared meal of something you’d probably rather not put in your mouth.

There’s also a challenging white-water rafting experience on the Zambezi River.

The course culminates with a 36hour expedition where you put your newly acquired survival skills to the test. It all teaches ‘what it really means to be able to look after yourself when

the chips are down’, says Grylls.

‘It may hurt a little,’ he adds.

And the goat’s testicles? Don’t panic. Standard Survival Academy rations include roasted rats on a skewer and protein-rich maggots, but the raw goat’s testicles and live frogs are strictly for Discovery. Or so you hope… beargryllssurvivalacademy.com www.mantisextreme.com

Ride ’em, cowboy For an opportunity to live out one of the world’s most enduringly masculine myths, chart a course to the Diamond X Cowboy Ranch, our very own patch of Texas, 30km outside Pretoria. The ranch is a low-key South African imitation of what Americans call ‘dude ranches’ – cattle farms where city-slickers try their hand working alongside genuine wranglers, dodging cowpats on the range, and learning the Wild West art of lasso-throwing.

Authentic ranches take guests beyond dressing up in boots and Stetsons, saddling them up, teaching them skilful manoeuvres and ‘cow psychology’ in the corral, helping them to get to grips with basic wrangling, herding and fencing skills, and – all importantly – how not to walk funny after a saddle-sore day. North America has more than 100 such ranches, although few these days offer genuine ‘yee-ha’ cow-punching experiences beyond getting in the saddle on a whinnying steed. Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Diamond X has a School of Western Horsemanship, and each Sunday, there’s a cattle drive where you get to live out your Clint Eastwood fantasy (no, not that fantasy). So go ahead: make your day. www.diamondxranch.co.za

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2014/02/13 11:01 AM 2014/02/14 10:13 AM

ADVENTURES FOR REAL MEN | TRAVEL

Become a groupie The best travel experiences are usually the ones with a deeper purpose, such as going on a religious pilgrimage or summiting Mount Everest. Or you may have a series of bucket-list destinations you want to experience. But if you want to share a mission with a die-hard friend, it’s worth investing some time in a shared interest.

And what could be more meaningful or noble than showing your undying support and devotion for your favourite sporting team? Grab your best mate and form a two-man support squad, then plot a travel itinerary that follows the exploits of your team. Study their match schedule for the next few weeks (or months), drop everything you’re doing, tell your loved ones you’re going on a secret mission, and then head off in crazy pursuit of an adventure fuelled by obsessive fandom.

The upside is that you’ll be on an emotional trip as much as a physical journey, experiencing the ups and downs as you watch your team play. Not only that, but you get to share those emotions with someone whose dedication to your sporting idols is just as strong as yours. And between games there’ll be time for all kinds of drinking and womanising um, sightseeing and stuff.

e ss th P o r c G ha pi toug ith Im pi CT t e G try w h, Im pi coun 16 Marc and Im l, 5on 1 5-6 Apri 3 May. on on KZN

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SAY UNCLE! This is what happens at Fight Club when Brad Pitt’s in Africa adopting babies.

Man up!

Remember Fight Club with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton? Through its macho layers of bloody punch-ups and bare-knuckled brutality, the film made a touching point about how men living in the modern age have lost touch with whatever manly instincts once drove them. We’ve grown soft, goes the theory, watching Sex and the City, spending days fiddling with our iPhones and squabbling on Twitter about which coffee shop serves the best flat white. Some say modern men need meaningful, heroic missions, or time in the army, facing off against real, life-threatening challenges.

There are less intimidating ways of manning up, of course, such as training for a military-style obstacle course, like this month’s Impi Challenge in Hartbeespoort or next month’s Warrior Race near Pretoria.

Or you can join a manhood boot camp in the rugged Colorado Rockies.

Transforming pantywaists into real men is the rather straightforward agenda at the Aspen Man Camp, a thing of beauty where house rules expressly forbid the wearing of spandex, and cigar sampling

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ADVENTURES FOR REAL MEN | TRAVEL

is among the requisite activities. In fact, everything on the camp agenda is 100% ‘manly’, including training in Olympicstyle weightlifting, nighttime ninja training, race-car driving and mountain rescue. They even offer classes in ‘girlgetting’, imparting pick-up technology that goes well beyond the old ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ trick.

From the moment you arrive, emasculated by the modern world, the folks at Aspen Man Camp undertake to kick your butt out of complacency and into a frenzy of testosterone-fuelled fitness adventures, empowering you with a renewed sense of what it means to be a man. They’re so committed to transforming weaklings into real men that they’ll perform intervention-style man-rescue operations – an ideal gift for unsuspecting bachelors.

It’s not all gung-ho swagger, though.

A lot of what happens is about beefing up limp bodies: Russian kettlebell training, edged-weapon training, and learning to kick, punch and grapple, so you can stand up for yourself in certain situations. And they don’t take themselves too seriously, either.

There’s a belly-flop contest, and the whole experience ends with a massage.

Because real men like to feel good, too. www.impichallenge.co.za www.warrior.co.za www.aspenmancamp.com

Love affairs with lycra Nah, bro, the rumours aren’t true. Your wife/girlfriend/main squeeze isn’t terribly keen to join you and ‘the boys’ on your next personal crusade against the uphill trails and steep descents into muddy vales. As much as it’s tempting to have a lady along to massage your ego (and

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your sore legs) at the end of a rough day in the saddle, mountain-biking getaways are really an opportunity to bond with your mates.

Feel the burn as you crank it on those uphills, and then indulge in triple espressos as you plan your next gearshifting manoeuvre up another badass pass. And after you’ve hosed down your bike and scraped the mud and blood off your body, you can settle into an all-night aftermath of beer-swilling and highfiving with your biking buddies, ending each dramatic re-rendering of the day’s adventure with an explosive ‘Cheers!’

Now, wouldn’t you rather be sharing your most embarrassing moments with someone who truly understands what makes your inner mountain-biker tick?

HEMINGWAY’S REVENGE Apparently the big fish got the wrong end of the stick; he thought it was a spear-fishing contest.

WOULD I LYCRA TO YOU? Even when your best friend has abandoned you, at least your lycra hotpants with stick by you.

Duel to the death Understandably, many assign big-game fishing some kind of spiritual significance. When the long wait is through and you have a mighty fish at the end of your line, something akin to a boxing match transpires, a lengthy duel that’s as much a battle of stamina and strength as it is about wits and stubborn perseverance.

The odds of the battle don’t add up. For the fish, winning is everything – it’s struggling to stay alive. You’re merely playing for a trophy. And so, for what will feel like an eternity, a physical and emotional tug-of-war will continue until one of you throws in the towel, realising that you no longer have a taste for this kind of pain. Your legs will be shot. Your arms will burn. Even holding the rod will be an act of defiant determination. But when … if … you finally reel it in, it’ll feel like you’ve single-handedly conquered some mighty army.

They say any fish you catch tastes good, but there’ll be a solemn moment when, assuming you’ve hauled that beast onto the boat, you’ll witness an awesome testimony to the war you’ve just waged. Some fish literally change colour (due to the release of lactic acid from their muscles) when they fight.

Some will continue to dance at the end of the line on the deck of the boat, and as they twist and flutter during their dying moments, you’ll become aware of the awesome respect you’ve developed for it.

Hemingway, in one of his novels exploring his love of game-fishing, alluded to the love affair that develops between the fisherman and his opponent during that exhausting scuffle. It gets emotional. The kinds of emotions you really want to share with your buddy.

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TRAVEL | ADVENTURES FOR REAL MEN

You did what?

BULL IN A WHAT? Stop! This is the way to the China shop.

There are few better places to smell fear than at the centre of a human pile-up during Pamplona’s Encierro – the infamous running of the bulls. This is one of those experiences your loved ones probably don’t want to hear about – at least not until after you’ve returned home safely, in one piece, and very much alive. If you’re keen to scratch a hair-raising, death-defying act of craziness off your bucket list, perhaps now’s the time to team up with your equally crazy mates and tell your better half you’re off to an all-male yoga retreat…

The annual Festival of San Fermin in July features bull-running over several days.

The event involves an 825m-long sprint and lasts little more than three minutes. An iconic, somewhat foolhardy adventure that you’ll boast about for years to come, the Encierro is absolutely irresponsible and unnecessary, but if you’re looking for a bit of pulse-quickening drama and fancy being pursued by an enraged chunk of beef with its horns ready to gouge you, then mark 7 July in your diary, and make sure you and your mates are at the corral in Calle Santo Domingo long before the clock on the church of San Cernin strikes 8am. Besides the fast-paced mayhem, there are also bullfight events and plenty of partying, with live music and shows out on the streets. www.sanfermin.com

Feel the wind in your hair (assuming you still have hair)

IT WAS THIS BIG! Seriously, you should’ve seen the one that got away.

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Easy Rider was the quintessential biker bromance movie. A pair of freewheeling hippies – Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda – on a seemingly random journey across BANDANA BROTHERS the American heartland.

Among some cultures, a hankerchief wrapped around the head has the Without rules or schedules, same protective power as a helmet. they explored the world and faced adventures real and imagined. Earnest bikers say there’s no other feeling in the world quite like riding a two-wheeled machine. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert Pirsig describes the sensation in philosophical terms: ‘You’re completely in contact with it all. You’re in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.’

For some, it’s an act of meditation, connecting you with the moment in a way that is so absorbing and overwhelming that nothing can intrude. In a sense, this is what freedom is all about: escaping the strictures of ordinary, everyday life and being allowed to simply ‘be’. Sure, there are risks, but most bikers will argue that a little danger only heightens the enjoyment.

There’s only one way to find out, of course. Now all that’s left to do is decide which of you is Hopper, and who is Fonda.

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t h Fig t h nig Milton Schorr takes readers behind the scenes of the mixed martial arts franchise with the second-biggest broadcast reach on the planet.

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EFC AFRICA | BEHIND THE SCENES

RAISE ’EM HIGH Tumelo ‘Concrete Fist’ Maphutha likes to take a moment before stepping inside the hexagon.

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‘WHAT YOU MEAN YOU’RE not fighting?’ asks Cairo Howarth, president of EFC Africa. He’s standing in the chaos of backstage and we’re three hours into the show. He’s addressing the question to Ricky Misholas, a massive specimen of a man from the Congo with a passion for boxing and only contempt for the grappling arts. ‘Men should not hug,’ he likes to say, flexing his guns.

Today he’s not so cocky; he has a broken hand, so he can’t make his maincard bout against former heavyweight champion Ruan Potts, scheduled to take place in two hours.

‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ demands Cairo. ‘The fight’s in two hours.’

Ricky holds both hands up. ‘I can’t fight, Cairo. My hand cannot fight.’ His left curls itself into the head of a sledgehammer.

The right is puffy and looks more like a jellyfish. ‘It’s my main weapon.’

Potts vs Misholas is off. This is big – unheard of. I’m the communications officer for EFC Africa. I have to say something, but what? Tell it like it is – that’s the only option right now. I compose a Tweet that reads: ‘Misholas out of Potts vs Misholas with hand injury. More to follow.’ Then I sit back, wait, and watch Twitter explode.

It doesn’t take long for Ruan to explode too. The guy’s trained for this for three months. He’s recently had the only loss of his career and is raging to come back hard. ‘What’s he doing?’ he shouts. ‘All my fans are waiting to see me! My sponsors!’

Make no mistake: this is big money. Ruan is paid to fight.

‘He’s out,’ says Cairo. ‘Sorry Ruan. We’ll make it up to you.’ Ruan looks at the packed auditorium, down at his four-ounce fight gloves taped on already, signed and sealed, down at his bare feet in flops.

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EFC AFRICA | BEHIND THE SCENES

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? Don Madge politely offers Costa Ioannou a little punishment.

THE HYPE MACHINE The Duke whips the GrandWest crowd into a frenzy.

THE LONELY ROAD Donavin Hawkey knows he’s ready, but how ready is the other guy?

ica n r f e A FC t is se120 E e Th adcasthan ross bromore ies acd. in untr worl co the

pictures: clara tilve

In the belly of the beast An MMA show is a spectacular thing.

It’s a beast, big and coiled, that unfolds through a disco-lit night. The beast is dressed in music, and draped in merchandise, food, drink, big hair and massive guns. The beast is a spectacle, a festival of precision violence, and so much more. The beast is human – it’s being alive, magnified.

I see all of it. I have a seat right next to the hexagon. I have an all-access pass dangling around my neck. I’m the guy the athletes come to and tell their stories, looking for airtime. ‘I cut seven kilos yesterday,’ says one, grinning like a devil, ‘and put on nine this morning.’

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‘Don’t tell anyone,’ whispers another.

‘His rib’s fractured. But he’ll fight; oh yes, he’ll fight.’ In the margin-for-error stakes, at the top, MMA is as fine a sport as it gets. It’s F1 motor racing with no car and no safety gear.

The buzzer sounds. Matthew Buirski’s just made his debut and manhandled the Angolan, Marino Cutendana, for three rounds. Tonight Matt’s a winner; tonight he’s alive. It’s interval. I hurry backstage as Shane ‘The Duke’ Wellington gets busy with the crowd, hyping the energy in the arena up ever higher.

There’s always news; something’s always going wrong, which is all right because we roll with it. I walk past the gurney, its empty neck brace waiting to swallow someone. This is pure backstage.

Showtime’s real when it’s six hours out and the medical team arrive, and the gurney’s suddenly there, everyone passing by it. I used to think it was the gurney that

drives these guys to stay ahead – the fear of injury. It’s not really. The body may be fragile, but it has nothing on pride.

It’s one fight or another Donavin Hawkey hits pads. He’s looking mean, but his record sucks at the moment and he needs a win. Tonight he’s up against Nigerian Raymond Ahana, three-time national kickboxing champion.

The word is that grappling him is like wrestling a pillar. ‘How good am I?’ Donavin’s snarl reads as he smacks the pads. ‘How good is he?’ says the sheen of sweat on his shoulders. ‘I’m winning tonight. No matter what, I’m winning.’

My phone vibrates. It’s Silas, brother of Cairo and head of broadcasting. ‘Two cinemas are down,’ he yells from the midst of the outside broadcasting van’s 30-odd screens, throwing his voice through the static of multiple satellite feeds. ‘Have you heard anything?’

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EFC AFRICA | BEHIND THE SCENES

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES Between Ricky Misholas and Ruan Potts, it’s a special kind of bromance.

THE BOYS FROM BELLVILLE Jack Parow supports his homeboy, Gideon Drotschie.

I check Twitter. Fans are not happy.

Their broadcast has been interrupted.

‘It’s an issue with the receivers,’ says Silas. ‘They say 10 minutes. Will you say something?’

‘Cinemas experiencing technical difficulty,’ I tap on my phone. ‘We’re told 10 minutes. Sit tight. Updates to follow.’

Twitter explodes once more: ‘I paid for my ticket!’ ‘No one cares about the fans!’

When the dust settles The arena’s on fire. Gideon Drotschie is about to fight for the vacant light heavyweight title. Jack Parow’s in the hexagon, beats thumping as he welcomes his boy from Bellville into the crush.

Gideon has exceptional guns – not shredded but massive in girth, as if his bicep and tricep are one entity. Parow does not have guns, but then again, he’s not meant to. I shake my head. Focus.

There’s data to record.

Garreth ‘Soldierboy’ McLellan just beat Tumelo Maphutha, but took a beating while doing it. ‘Superior strategy in the face of superior firepower,’ I’m calling it. Tweeting it, Facebooking it, slotting it into the night’s release. What I do now determines what time we stagger out of here tomorrow morning, because there’s just no time.

After the event there’s the press conference that goes out live. Before that

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LIGHTS OUT Once you’re in a position like this, it’s all over.

there’s the night’s awards to be chosen, quick-fire decisions that must make sense, while athletes and managers gather with queries and concerns, and fans hover. Afterwards we send out the official release to the world and the wrapping up of the media machine. We’ll finish at 2am if we’re lucky, or 4am if fate is cruel.

On the canvas This is it: the main event. The beast is uncoiled and roaring; this is where things get human. Costa Ioannou and Don Madge are on the canvas, battling in a technical jiu-jitsu war. Costa is undefeated, the unforgiving master, but Don is young and already a superstar. The arena is

packed, a sea of faces stretching up into the darkness with the fight on every one, every moment painted in every expression.

‘Don, you’ve got this! You’ve got it!’ someone screams. This is where tears roll. This is where moms clutch their hearts and girls grip their faces. This is where boys flex their guns as they climb in there in their minds. This is the fight game, and this epic fight is why we do it.

I’ve been working for EFC Africa for nearly a year now. It’s a world of black and white. You win a fight or you lose a fight. You win respect or you lose it. You sell a fight or you don’t.

The fighters bang away at one another.

I bang away at the keyboard, searching for the words to describe the beast.

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CARS | ACTION

S n i p p e t s

Cruise control After driving the four-wheeled version of Tom Cruise’s Top Gun fighter jet, David ‘Maverick’ Taylor is left with a few extra hairs on his chest.

pictures: supplied

On test: Opel Astra OPC OPC. Those three characters are not too dissimilar to F14, the US-designed supersonic fighter jet. Known as the Tomcat, this fearsome fighter was made famous by the Hollywood blockbuster Top Gun. Thanks to the popularity of the movie, the aircraft became an icon, despite being replaced by faster and cheaper hardware.

Back on terra firma, we have the Opel Astra OPC – the ultimate hot hatch if you’re to believe the marketing hype. Should you? Affirmative. The OPC’s brawny looks are complemented by a performance engine that offers substantially more oomph than its rivals.

206kW from a 2.0-litre isn’t to be scoffed at, and when you accelerate for the first time, you’re pushed right back into your seat. The experience is quite eye-widening.

It gets more hardcore. Push the OPC button on the dashboard, fold down the back seats to let some of the exhaust noise into the cabin and light that afterburner. The sound is just like that of a fighter jet as the rev counter works

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its way around the dial. You pay for the supersonic sensations at the pumps, however, as the OPC will happily go through a tank of fuel in a day if you’re in combat mode.

It’s just as mad on the inside. The dashboard looks like a flight deck, with as many buttons. The seats are absolutely superb and undoubtedly the finest I’ve ever sat on. With the correct positioning, you’re cushioned snugly, which is a necessity, given the OPC’s abilities.

There’s an abundance of comfort features, such as heated seats, climate control, Bluetooth connectivity and a USB port to play ‘Take My Breath Away’ at full volume. Speaking of music, that sound system is rather excellent.

I preferred the terrific engine note, though. My favourite trick has to be the dashboard changing colour from an innocent white to a devilish red when you push the OPC button.

If I’m honest, it’s a handful to drive at first, but once you understand the technicalities of its incredible handling skills, you can happily don your aviator

A monster truck called Princess You’d assume that monster trucks are all piloted by beer-swilling, balding men with beards rivalling Santa, but what if I told you that the youngest driver on the monster-truck circuit is a 16-year-old girl? Rosalee Ramer owns her own truck, called Princess, and is pursuing a career in engineering. Girl power!

Toy wonder We all know classic Ferrari sports cars appreciate in value, and over time they can be worth a considerable amount of money. Then there’s a Ferrari 180 Testa Rossa toy car made in the 1950s. It’s essentially a child’s car, which has a small working motor, so your little one can drive it around. Seeing as it’s hand built and extremely rare, you can only begin to imagine how much it costs. Try $1-million…

sunglasses, put on Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’, and go charging around the countryside as if you’re on an intercept mission. Just like the F14 Tomcat, it’s brash, loud, over-the-top, incredibly quick and, at R453 500, rather pricey. Over and out.

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Oh, man!

CARS | ACTION

Forget that sensible commuter car and discard your hybrids. This month we look at the five most macho man-mobiles on the market.

LAND ROVER DEFENDER

the fiver

There’s the old rule of ‘no replacement for displacement’, but nothing could be further from the truth. Ever wanted to go hunting sports cars in your luxury SUV? Now you can, thanks to a Chryslersourced 6.1-litre V8. Who cares about fuel economy anyway?

PEUGEOT RCZ R

text: david taylor; pictures: supplied

1

3

5

This may look quite gentle, but underneath that curvy body lies one of Peugeot’s most powerful turbocharged engines. Think of it as extra-hot chilli-infused frog’s legs.

MERCEDES-BENZ A45 AMG EDITION ONE

2

se Becaulove we allist al

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JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE SRT8

Who can forget the old favourite? The goanywhere truck still soldiers on, despite production supposedly ending in 2015. These semi-military trucks are unbeatable off-road, can carry loads of gear (like braai equipment), and are perfect for taking to places like Namibia.

4

R

Take the chic A-Class, rip out its small motor and shove in the world’s most powerful two-litre engine. Throw in fourwheel drive and more wings than a suburb of Beijing, and the result is the Edition One – the most insane incarnation of the A-Class.

JAGUAR F-TYPE V8S

This beastly Brit combines sleek and athletic looks with a supercharged V8 engine. It’s an animal to drive, though, so only the manliest of men should try to tame this wild cat.

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WARNING!

»Always ride carefully and observe the applicable road traffic regulations!

»Always wear appropriate protective clothing and never ride without a helmet! »All illustrated riding scenes were performed without exception by professionals on closed roads!

»MAKE NO ATTEMPT TO EMULATE THE RIDING SCENES SHOWN!

12 9 o – th e n o f th u m b e e bea r s t bound less

The diabolic triumvirate of 180 hp, 144 Nm and 189 kg applies hellish acceleration to the asphalt. The sound makes the earth quake, the design is awe-inspiring, the engine reigns supreme over the laws of nature and the chassis directly implements every notion of its master. Brutal and merciless – the performance is simply breathtaking.

The KTM 1290 SUPER DUKE R is here to rule road and racetrack alike. It doesn’t come in peace. It comes from KTM!

to r q u

e

Photos: R. Schedl, H. Mitterbauer

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The illustrated vehicles may vary in selected details from the production models and some illustrations feature optional equipment available at additional cost. Some parts are not approved for use on public roads in certain circumstances (varies from country to country). Further information can be obtained from your specialist KTM dealer.

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- 180 hp - 144 Nm - 189 kg - 7.2 Sek. from 0 to 200 km/h (124 mph)

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2014/02/20 4:44 PM

café racers | ACTION

Slung low, sweet chariot

pictures: duke and duchess, andrew brauteseth

Ultra-cool, somewhat pretentious, but undeniably awesome, the café racer subculture is making inroads in South Africa. Will Edgcumbe revs his throttle.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing what a café racer is – it sounds like an ’80s arcade game – but you might have encountered one on the road as you jealously watched it fly past. Café racers are stripped-down, modified motorbikes built for speed and handling rather than comfort, and they’re easy to spot, thanks to their single-person, elongated seats and low-slung racing handlebars.

The café racer subculture has been around since the early 1960s, but only recently made a comeback as interest in all things vintage, including bikes, increased. Usually created from the choicest bits of other bikes, café racers are sexy, highly customised and extremely fun to ride, particularly as the ergonomics of the design require the rider to ‘tuck in’, as they would on a racing bike.

It may seem juvenile to some to throw on some leathers and engineer boots, not forgetting to wax your moustache for maximum aerodynamic and lady-killing effect, before speeding off on a Frankenstein monster of a machine, but those who do just call it having a hell of a good time. If this sounds like your vibe, there are some local café racer joints where you can feel very much at home, (and perhaps a little like Steve McQueen).

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ACTION | CAFÉ RACERS

Duke and Duchess Duke and Duchess is a café-racer enthusiast’s idea of heaven. They offer some fantastic custom-built bikes and premium riding gear, including brands such as Davida, Biltwell, Edwin Jeans, Neuw, Redwing, Vitesse and Aviator Goggles. Owning a café racer can be an expensive hobby, but the Duke and Duchess team don’t give the impression of putting on airs – it’s a rad space obviously driven by passionate individuals.

They also serve just about the best cup of coffee in Durban, as well as a few tasty snacks on the side, so if you’re into coffee (and who isn’t these days?), checking out some mechanical eye candy while you sip an espresso is a pretty decent way to pass an hour.

46 Meridian Drive, Umhlanga, 031 584 7411, www.dukeduchess.tumblr.com

The House of Machines So edgy it hurts, The House of Machines combines a custom bike shop, bar, café and premium men’s fashion outlet in an orgy of cool. The heart of The House of Machines is La Macchina Speed Shop, a workshop enclosed in glass at the back of the shop that creates and sells one-of-akind custom café racers and other bikes.

La Macchina is actually a US-based shop, so the chances are high that whatever bike you want built, they’ll be able to source the parts you need, collaborate with international builders and get you on the road in your own bespoke machine.

However, you don’t need to be bearded and have a neck tattoo to enjoy the vibe.

They serve good food and fantastic coffee sourced from Honduras, as well as a ‘modern traditional’ range of men’s clothing and accessories. If you’re in the

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SHOP TILL YOU PIT STOP Duke and Duchess sells almost every kind of biking paraphernalia imaginable.

YOU DREW THAT? House of Machines owner Drew Madacsi.

REGAL RIDES Duke and Duchess build bikes ready to be ogled

area after 5pm on a Thursday or Friday, pop around for a beer, cocktail, glass of wine or bourbon, and perv over some of the hottest bikes in the country.

84 Shortmarket Street, Cape Town, 021 426 1400, www.thehouseofmachines.com

MY KINDA HOUSE Step inside for custom threads, custom bikes and coffee with a kick.

Twisted Throttle Café Racers Based in Pretoria, David and Dion, the father-and-son team behind Twisted Throttle, are passionate about café racers. Rather than building bikes for other people, they’ve focused on designing, fabricating and shipping highquality fibreglass parts such as seats, seat pans, fairings, tanks, clip-ons, bars and sizing spacers for people building their own racers all over the world. You can check out their website to see the parts they have on offer, and if you’re after something specific they also design and fabricate once-off, customised parts.

083 819 1094, www.twisted-throttle.co.za

HARD HEADED Protect your nut while looking good. If the bike doesn’t turn heads, the helmet will.

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LEOPARDS | CONSERVATION

Changing their spots

pictures: panthera, tyrone bradley

A US-based conservation group is working to save leopards by faking their coats. Dale Hes feels the fur.

ON A DUSTY July afternoon in the KwaZulu-Natal village of Ebuhleni, the scene is dominated by thousands of leopard-skin rosettes pulsing on the backs of dancing Zulu men. Ebuhleni is the holy seat of the Nazareth Baptist Church, otherwise known as the Shembe tribe, a powerful and enigmatic sect with some four million members, and is well known for its use of leopard skins in religious costume.

For the Shembe, leopard skin is the ultimate symbol of manhood, and although sale is illegal, coats are pawned off openly at Shembe gatherings for upwards of R6 000 apiece. Increasing demand has become a threat to South Africa’s dwindling leopard population, which currently stands at an estimated 4 000. It is this crisis situation that has spurred US-based big cat conservation group Panthera into action.

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Faking it In an historic move, at the annual July pilgrimage at Ebuhleni, 50 Shembe dancers accepted fake leopard skins from Panthera Leopard Programme coordinator Tristan Dickerson, who is based at Phinda Game Reserve in northern KwaZulu-Natal. Tristan first discovered the Shembe while helping with a police investigation, after a pile of close to 100 leopard skins, many tailored into clothing meant for the church group, was uncovered during a village raid.

Using digital imagery and photography, Tristan managed to produce an exact synthetic replica of a leopard skin, and a bulk order for 4 500 skins to be produced in China and donated to the Shembe tribe has subsequently been placed. Panthera has already gained the support of National Geographic and other conservation heavyweights worldwide.

HANGING OUT Tristan Dickerson admires one of his replica leopard skins.

‘The desire for leopard skins is extremely high,’ says Tristan, ‘so a synthetic copy that imitates the real fur as closely as possible was required.’ He claims that, despite initial trepidation, the Shembe tribe is willing to set aside centuries of tradition to make use of the faux furs. ‘The furs were accepted by everyone we spoke to. We're working with the church to formalise a method whereby we can conserve tradition, culture and religion, while also conserving leopards.’

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CONSERVATION | LEOPARDS

kin d-s p to r a op tu e l le n cos e fak al a e a A r ent c ing th nanci fi m ak gar 00, m ve for o.

0 o ti R6 ttrac ons t s a a s re fur

FUR REAL A historic moment as a Shembe man performs rituals in one of Panthera's faux furs.

Fact box SPOT ON Using digital photography and imaging, Tristan and his team created a spot-for-spot replica of a leopard skin.

Moving it In a huge boost to Panthera’s cause, logistics company DHL agreed in November 2013 to airlift skins free of charge from Chinese manufacturers to South Africa, in a contract extending to May 2015. ‘We’re extremely grateful for this,’ explains Tristan. ‘It’s a huge saving on cost and time. Where it would usually take a few weeks to get the skins to South Africa, it can now take a few days.’

Lizwi Mcwane, a Shembe member and legal advisory for the church’s leaders, says surveys of the congregation indicate a positive attitude towards the

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replica skins. ‘The manner in which the skin is made matches the real thing almost exactly,’ says Lizwi, ‘while the fake skins also last longer.’

He adds that the idea of fake furs has not yet been fully embraced by the Shembe leadership, but the concept could help to save the leopard species. ‘This will provide an answer to the challenge we face in balancing conservation of leopards with our customs. The way we understand our denomination, they are all very keen to protect the species.’

For more information, check out www.panthera.org.

• Leopard skins were traditionally worn only by members of the Zulu royal house, and any leopard killed was automatically the property of a tribe’s chief.

• In the late 1960s, the Shembe tribe, practising a mixture of Christian and Zulu beliefs, adopted the skins into their ceremonial attire, and the coats soon became a symbol of wealth, beauty and pride.

• Leopard skins were worn by the priests of ancient Egypt to ward off evil.

• Because the spots of a leopard resemble eyes, several ancient cultures referred to the feline as the ‘Great Watcher’.

• In heraldry, the skin represents brave and generous warriors who have performed a bold enterprise with force and courage.

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2014/02/20 2:18 PM

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fun | stuff

Mind Benders

If 2014 just hasn’t quite got you going yet, get moving with our transport-inspired quiz.

Come on, baby, do the locomotion with me…

theme: Transportation

WHO AM I?

Who are these three racy South Africans?

text: xenia onatopp; pictures: supplied

1

This minister shares her first name with the Queen of England, and has been in her current position since 10 July 2013. She was Minister of Energy from 2009-2013 and Premier of the Northern Cape from 1998-2009.

This man is one of the most prolific and successful racing drivers SA has ever produced. He won the 1979 World Drivers’ Championship and is the last South African ever to have entered a Formula One race.

One of only five women to have competed in Formula One, this racer was born in Brakpan and became the only female to win a Formula One race of any kind when she took first place at Brands Hatch in the short-lived British Aurora F1 series in 1980.

2

3

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8. Who landed three ships (the Dromedaris, Reijger and Goede Hoop) at the future Cape Town in the 1600s?

9. What was the South African Car of the Year 2013?

10. Which is Africa’s busiest international airport?

11. What tyre brand’s name is the same as a ‘great annual’ (we hope you read that correctly)?

12. Where can you see the life-size replica of the Dias Caravel, which brought explorer Bartolomeu Dias to SA? 13. Which bus company in Cape Town has the slogan ‘The Bus For Us’ on all of its vehicles?

14. What is the name of the luxury train that has hosted kings and presidents in its time, and is known as the five-star ‘hotel-on-wheels’ in SA? 15. To how many destinations does kulula fly (including the six international destinations)?

Transport tongue-twister:

Can you repeat this quickly 10 times without error? Red lorry, yellow lorry

Get Wordy On the ball or balderdash?

Can you guess the correct meanings of these three words?

1. williwaw (a) A heated battle between two men (b) A circumstance when the deceased has left no will behind (c) A sudden, violent wind 2. perspicuous (a) Someone who sweats a lot (b) Something that is clearly expressed (c) Something that really stands out 3. misology

Can You Guess?

Unshuffle these images to find the names of two South African towns:

(a) When studies are often misunderstood (b) The study of missiles (c) A distrust of reasoning Quizz Questions: 1. MyCiTi Bus; 2. The Gautrain; 3. 1830; 4. The Cape of Good Hope; 5. East London; 6. 60km/h; 7. Rand Tramway; 8. Jan van Riebeeck; 9. The Porsche Boxster; 10. OR Tambo International Airport; 11. Goodyear; 12. Mossel Bay; 13. Golden Arrow; 14. The Blue Train; 15. 13 Get Wordy: 1. (c); 2. (b); 3. (c) Who am I? 1. Elizabeth Dipuo Peters (current Minister of Transport); 2. Jody Scheckter; 3. Desiré Randall Wilson Can You Guess? Bhisho; Giyani

1. What is the name of Cape Town’s Integrated Rapid Transport System?

2. Which rapid-rail system has linked Jo’burg to Pretoria and OR Tambo International Airport to Sandton?

3. In which decade did the Groot Trek begin?

4. Which coastal area in SA has been famously known as the ‘graveyard of ships’ for more than 500 years?

5. MBSA manufactures Mercedes-Benz C-Class cars in left-hand drive execution for export to the United States. In which SA city is this company based?

6. What is the minimum speed limit on a freeway in South Africa?

7. What tram began operating in 1890, was electrified in 1906 and ceased operations in 1961?

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BUSINESS | STUFF

Why diversity counts

picture: iStockphotoTM

Forget meeting quotas or legislation. Recent research shows that having more women at executive level boosts a company’s profile – and its bottom line, says Katherine Graham.

I’LL BE HONEST – I find the moaning and groaning about having too few female executives a bit old hat. Sure, I’m familiar with the statistics and, yes, they are concerning. According to the 2012 Businesswomen’s Association Leadership Census, women constitute only 21% of all executive managers and 17% of all directors in the country. Tellingly, the report says women account for just 3.6% of CEO positions and 5.5% of chairperson positions – a minority within a minority.

Consider the new Women Empowerment and Gender Equality Bill, aimed at achieving 50% gender equity in the workplace, especially in ‘decision-making’ structures, i.e. boards of directors. Now I’m not saying that it isn’t hard for women to rise to the top – it is – and perhaps they do need a little nudge from the state, but I still feel that gender equity doesn’t need to be legislated in order for women to succeed.

Let’s analyse some more uplifting data. In 2010, Forbes examined the share-price performance of 26 publicly listed companies headed by women on the ‘Power Women 100’ list, and found that as a group, they outperformed companies led by male CEOs by 28%.

They also outstripped their respective

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industries’ performance by 15% on average. Why? It appears that companies with gender diversity in leadership perform better at multiple levels due to a higher collective intelligence and an enhanced problem-solving ability.

Leaning in or out?

I support Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s view that what often holds women back is themselves. She says women tend to ‘lean out’ of their careers when they have children and start bearing more domestic responsibility. Instead, she asserts, women should ‘lean in’ to their career aspirations and seek a better work-life balance.

The biggest ogre, I believe, is getting senior management to think differently about flexitime. Most SA corporates are inflexible when it comes to breaking

out of the nine-to-five mould. ‘Many managers remain uncomfortable with the concept of flexible working hours if they’re accustomed to measuring performance based on the number of hours employees spend at the office,’ says Lea Conrad, director at the Oceana Group. ‘However, as managers become more adept at assessing performance based on outputs, this is likely to change.’

What we need is a bit more understanding, and give-andtake between employer and employee. ‘If it means that, as a working mother, I’d like to leave work early to watch my son play soccer, and catch up on my work later that night, the element of trust is important, especially at senior levels,’ says Kyansambo Vundla, CFO of Regiments Capital.

Ultimately, I think a lot of what inhibits women from achieving their professional goals lies in their own self-imposed limits.

Key to unlocking the leadership potential of women is the flexibility to work in an environment that is not hostile to their role as family nurturer. As HR expert Ingrid Ashwin puts it, renegotiating your role in the workplace and at home is critical to sustain a balance. ‘In the past, traditional cultural assumptions about gender roles were beyond challenge,’ she says. ‘Today people are free to define new roles.’

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HEALTH | STUFF

Did you know, bro?

Annie Brookstone has a few healthy highlights just for the boys.

illustrations: shaun reddiar

A beer a day keeps the doctor away We’ve heard all about the health benefits of chocolate and red wine, but let’s face it, those things are kinda girly. What every guy really wants to hear is that sitting on the couch with a cold one is tantamount to eating a kilo of spinach, going for a jog and quitting smoking. Well, the news isn’t quite that good, but beer can be good for you…

• Beer contains as many antioxidants as wine – and is higher in protein.

Okay, it’s not that much, but it’s still nevertheless a good excuse to replace the occasional post-gym protein shake with a brew, bru.

• A University of Indiana study in which subjects were given tablespoon samples of beer or Gatorade (the small samples were used to avoid the alcohol playing too great a role) found that even in subjects who reported preferring the taste of Gatorade, happiness hormone dopamine levels rose much more intensely in reaction to the beer.

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• Need to rehydrate after a race?

Reach for a beer, says a University of Granada study, which credits beer’s sugars, salts and bubbles with hydration properties even greater than those of good ol’ H2O. • Beer is high in silicon, which means it can help to build strong bones. Here’s the catch, though: studies show that one or two beers a day are associated with increased bone density, but any more than that will put you at increased risk of fractures. Probably all that stumbling around…

Dudes & docs 25%. That’s how much less likely men are than their fairer-sexed counterparts to have visited a healthcare provider in the last year. Guys are also more likely to die younger and to succumb to heart disease, cancer and respiratory diseases than women. The lesson here: man up, get over your iatrophobia (that’s fear of the doctor) or macho ideas about suffering in silence, and see your GP when you’re feeling a little off. Hey, you might even get a lollipop.

Did you nose?

Men may have larger noses than women because they generally have more muscle, which means greater oxygen demand in their bodies – and what better way to deliver it than a great big nose?

So say researchers from the University of Iowa (and these guys know their noses).

Work more, age less?

Turns out the stress of being unemployed may cause men to age faster genetically.

A new study by Finnish and British researchers found that men who had been jobless at least 500 days had a 2.4-fold greater risk of being in the 10% of people with the shortest telomeres – sections of chromosome that predict health and lifespan. Now there’s some motivation to work!

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STUFF | COLUMN

Die groot star trek Keith Bain has a date with destiny, and she’s not cheap!

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TIME

08: 0 09: 3 1 0:1 1 2:1 1 4: 0

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two successful flights of SpaceShipTwo, testing the feathered re-entry system that will bring the first-ever commercial astronauts safely back to earth after short trips into suborbital space.

It’s not all going to be smooth sailing, as anyone who recalls space shuttle Challenger exploding in 1986 will tell you. But what spectacular dinner conversation, knowing that – in this lifetime – you broke the sound barrier, soared high above the surface of the earth, experienced weightlessness, and witnessed the planet against the inky backdrop of space. Each trip carries only six passengers, so it’ll be a pretty exclusive club.

Noting on the website that the deposit for my ticket would be refundable, I

immediately tried to book my seat, but panicked slightly when I landed on Virgin Galactic’s Facebook page and found it overflowing with advertisements for some very technical-sounding jobs. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not convinced that social media is the best place to be sourcing personnel for off-planet travel.

Even as a child, I knew Captain Kirk and Dr Spock spent years at the space academy learning to navigate the universe and operate the warp drive.

Yes, I’m being cynical. I’m willing to change my attitude, though – but only if someone is willing to cough up the $250 000 I need to secure my seat. I know they say that in space no one can hear you scream, but I promise to send live Tweets and share the experience via Instagram.

illustration: shaun reddiar

FINALLY, THE WAIT is over. Thanks to Richard Branson, this year will see the first-ever commercial space flights.

As a child, I saw this coming. I’d watch Star Trek alongside NASA’s early spaceshuttle launches, believing we’d soon all be navigating our own spaceships through distant galaxies.

Of course, with age comes the realisation that our childhood imaginations work faster than reality.

Still, the pace of technological advancement has been staggering. When Yuri Gagarin first orbited the earth in 1961, he reached an altitude of 327km.

Less than a decade later, Neil Armstrong took one of history’s most famous steps on the moon, some 384 400km away.

We humans are quick to lose interest, though. In the last five decades, space missions became commonplace and space travel lost its buzz. Once we thrilled at thoughts of becoming astronauts, walking on the moon and rumbling with aliens on Mars; nowadays everyone’s too busy surfing cyberspace to pay much attention to the vast wonder of outer space. We’re hooked on our mobile phones, stockpiling iPhone apps, addicted to the time-sapping egomania of Facebook and Twitter.

Fortunately, some of us didn’t stop dreaming. Sir Richard has long been a kind of airborne Jacques Cousteau, making bold attempts to circumnavigate the globe by hot-air balloon, and of course starting his own airline. And last year, the space-tourism arm of his empire made

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