April39

April

2015

Starring David Kibuuka FOR THE MENU see pages 2 & 3

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n the Middle Ages, the 1st of April was the end of a week-long holiday celebrating the New Year. It’s believed that those who kept to this tradition were called April fools by the geniuses who celebrated on 1 January. There is also a long tradition of playing pranks on

1 April, except in Germany, where they couldn't think of any pranks. Fortunately, they invented weisswurst, which the rest of Europe saw as proof of a German sense of humour.

Austria tried to follow with Conchita Wurst, who won the Eurovision Song Contest, thereby proving that he/she was not funny at all, and that the Austrians should stick to making lederhosen if they want to get a laugh … and a rash. I can imagine the Austrians rolling around on their pine floors like hyenas on helium every time an American tourist walks out of their souvenir shop, which proves that the best practical jokes are those never revealed to the victims.

Going back a few years, I am sure Louis XIV would’ve had a good chuckle every morning when he saw all his courtiers wearing huge, poufy, lice-infested wigs to appease his own sense of style, which he probably first wore on 1 April and then just continued with as a test of sycophantic servitude (let’s not even mention Donald Trump’s hairdresser).

The French have also gone to great lengths to preserve their secret prank of making the world relish snails and frog legs, while French chefs gag on their Château Phélan Ségur every time a waiter comes back with an order for ‘es-car-gots’.

Of course, many artists fall into the same category of closet pranksters, who have to make a run to the bathroom to avoid wetting themselves, when the nouveau-riche hand over big numbers in exchange for a canvas on which the cat knocked over a can of paint, before the artist rubbed his girlfriend’s nubile bottom on it.

Which just goes to show that escaping 1 April unscathed is no reason to drop your guard!

Erik Venter, CEO: Comair Ltd

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Contents

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Regulars

VIEW FROM THE TOP Our CEO on Austrians, art and escargot ÜBER-EDITOR’S LETTER David Kibuuka plays the fool KULULA PAGES Family travel #madeeasy, plus Trev takes a walk on the wild side at the Kruger National Park

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GAMES Thumb-twiddling, eye-twitching gaming goodness

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GARDEN ROUTE Food, fashion and natural wonder along our glorious Garden Route

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TECH Tech so out there, you’ll think we’re joking

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TOP TIPPLE Tee off with these teetotalling bevvies

Chat 77

DA WAY IT IS David drops beats and loses the plot with Da L.E.S

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READ Literary larks to stimulate your cerebellum

ACTION SATISFACTION David talks movies and mayhem with Brandon Auret

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LISTEN CD reviews, plus the adventure of the Champions of the Sonarverse

LOCAL HERO Playwright Louis Viljoen on what makes people laugh

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LOCAL HERO Cultural icons of yesteryear

BEAUTY Put some sparkle on your mug with our latest beauty bonanza

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WATCH Silver-screen sensory sensations

WESTERN CAPE Everything on the to-do list in and around the Mother City

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GAUTENG Get busy, chow down, shop till you drop, then sleep it off in Gauteng

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KWAZULU-NATAL What’s happening in the warmest place in Mzansi?

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Guide 20

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Travel

102 WHAT’S IN A NAME? SA’s weirdest-named places and the stories behind them 108 2015: A SPACE ODDITY Join us on an out-of-this-world tour of SA’s extraterrestrial incidents 116 AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY Searching for Tolkien’s inspiration in Hogsback 124 THERE’S A MONSTER ON MY STOEP Get monstrous with Mzansi’s creepiest cryptids

Action

133 BEHIND THE SCENES How to survive a zombie apocalypse 141 DRIVE Dissecting the Opel Adam, plus five concept cars to covet

Stuff

145 PROPERTY Lekker local designers to love 150 MONEY MATTERS The most foolish investments ever made 152 COMPETITIONS Win stuff! Lots of stuff!

154 COLUMN Ben Trovato on pranks and porky pies

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EDITORIAL Editor Anthony Sharpe anthonys@picasso.co.za Content Manager Raina Julies Content Co-ordinator Vanessa Payne Copy Editor Lynn Berggren Editorial Interns Roxanne Jones, Christian Schroeder ART Head of Design Studio Jayne MacĂŠ-Ferguson Designers Anja Hagenbuch, Mfundo Ndzo Cover Photograph MornĂŠ van Zyl Make-up Artist Cindy Horton using Dermalogica Design Intern Johan Labuschagne Production Editor Shamiela Brenner SALES Project Manager Richard White Sales Consultants Stephen Crawford, Bonnie Eksteen, Randall Grace, Steve Norval, Marc Plastow, Andre Potgieter, Alec Rompelman, Roman Ross, Clint Smith, Zelda Stein, Robin van Dieman, Shaun Westley Advertising Co-ordinator Vanessa Payne OPERATIONS Business Manager Robin Carpenter-Frank robinc@picasso.co.za Financial Accountant Lodewyk van der Walt Senior GM: Newspapers and Magazines Mike Tissong Associate Publisher Jocelyne Bayer KULULA.COM CEO Comair Limited Erik Venter Head of Department: Marketing, kulula.com Shaun Pozyn Marketing Manager, kulula.com Bridgette Ramuluvhana Brand Manager, kulula.com Thembeka Mabaso COMAIR LIMITED 1 Marignane Drive, Bonaero Park, Kempton Park, 1619 Tel: 011 921 0111 | kulula.com contact centre: 0861 KULULA (585852)

To advertise in this magazine, please contact Richard White (Project Manager) on 021 469 2542, or email richardw@picasso.co.za

Copyright: No portion of this magazine may be reproduced in any form without written consent of the publishers.

The publishers are not responsible for unsolicited material. khuluma is published monthly by Picasso Headline Reg: 59/01754/07. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Picasso Headline, kulula or Times Media.

All advertisements/advertorials and promotions have been paid for and therefore do not carry any endorsement by the publishers. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, neither kulula, nor the publisher can be held responsible for any omissions or errors, or for any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom. We reserve the right to edit interviews for layout purposes.

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ÜBER-EDITOR OF THE MONTH

David Kibuuka Fool me once

H

ello folks, and welcome to the April Fool’s issue – full of all manner of weirdness, absurdity, silliness and half-truths (to be taken with a liberal pinch of salt). But first, let’s talk about something quite serious. Something that’s been on my mind

for as long as I have been flying: the emergency seat. Now it may be a bit taboo to talk about the emergency seat in an airline magazine, but it’s about time someone spoke out.

Firstly, there needs to be some sort of competency test beyond asking the person sitting in the seat if they’re willing to help other passengers. Lots of people are willing, but are they able? Robert Mugabe was willing to run a country, but is he able to?

Then there needs to be a reward that’s bigger than just extra legroom. If I’m supposed to save everyone on the plane, surely I should get more than being able to stretch my legs. I doubt you’d expect Batman to save people just for extra legroom, so why do you expect me to do it? But enough about that. Welcome!

DAVID’S CREDS

David Kibuuka is a Ugandanborn South African comedian, best known as a field correspondent on the e.tv and eNews satirical news show Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola, since 2010.

A regular on the stand-up comedy circuit, David has performed at events such as the Kingsize Comedy Festival, Blacks Only and the Heavyweight Comedy Jam. Follow him on Twitter: @davidkibuuka.

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ad. T

In this issue, I chatted with Da L.E.S, a muso whose

runnin

bromance with fellow rapper AKA has taken the SA

like a n

hip-hop scene by storm – by hurricane, by tsunami, if you will.

were t

Basically, they’re hip-hop at the moment. It was great to chat

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with him again, especially since I used to manage him.

My

I also interviewed the talented Brandon Auret, who

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stars in the big-budget feature Chappie, which is out now.

though

Having found fame in numerous shows but most notably

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in Isidingo as detective Du Plessis, Brandon has spread his

is on fl

wings and is now making waves in Hollywood. He chatted

the op

with me about the ups and downs of the business, and his

Reef C

ideas on how we should go about developing the local industry.

Whe

I hope you enjoy this issue – and if you’re in the emergency seat, now would

taken

be a good time to fight for your rights. Amandla!

up shi these

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flying 101: tips for easy family travel

W

e love flying little ones, but let’s be honest, travelling with kids can have parents on tenterhooks waiting for the excitement, smiles and laughter to turn to boredom, irritability and tantrums. Travelling should be fun, and with a little bit of planning, everyone could enjoy a ‘peaceful’ flight and memorable holiday. Read on for some nofuss tips for when travelling with your kids. tip 1: book a trip to the coast When it comes to family fun, nothing beats sandy toes, ice-cream lollies, sand castles and frolicking in the waves. As part of our kulula family #madeeasy deal, fly from Jo’burg or Lanseria to Durbs, stay at the Protea Hotel Umhlanga for two nights, and enjoy two days’ car rental, all for only R2 499 per person sharing. Plus, up to two kids under 12 receive a goodie bag and stay and eat breakfast for free when sharing with paying adults. To have more fun in the sun, you can add optional #madeeasy activities, such as a Segway Moses Mabhida Stadium Tour from R250 per person, a family beach picnic from R995 per family of two adults and two kids, or a tree-top canopy tour in Klakloof from R495 per person. For more details, visit www.kulula.com. Packages are subject to availability and legal stuff applies. tip 2: give them a window seat Most kids are inquisitive and will want to look out of the plane window, so

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secure them the window seat. This way, they won’t bother other passengers by stretching over them or worse, fidget and kick the seat in front of them. tip 3: give yourself plenty of time Everything takes a little bit longer with kids, so give yourself plenty of time, and don’t rush when on holiday. To save time at the airport, check in online and print out your boarding pass from the comfort of your home or office. All you have to do when you get to the airport is just drop off your bags at the bag-drop counter. This will free up time for your kids to look at the planes and run around before boarding. tip 4: be prepared with all the essentials Have a super-organised bag with compartments kitted out with important hygiene essentials such as wet wipes, waterless hand cleanser, plasters and sunscreen (for when you land). Don’t worry about packing onboard snacks. Our munchies will keep them happily chewing for a while. Just remember to bring cash.

tip 5: keep your kids entertained Kids are generally happy if they’re kept busy. Load your tablet with movies, games and music, bring crayons and a notebook or their favourite quiet toy. When travelling with younger kids who might not get what’s happening, bring along something they’re familiar with that will comfort them – their favourite teddy bear, doll or blanket. Attach a luggage tag to this item, so if it gets lost, it can be returned. tip 6: let them document their journey If your children are old enough, it’s a great idea to give them a ‘child-friendly’ or disposable camera and let them take pictures of anything that interests them on the trip. Alternatively, give them a scrapbook and let them draw or write about all the fun things they did on their family holiday.

With all this said, if things don’t quite work out as you had planned, try to be flexible and remain calm. After all, not everyone has the privilege of travelling with their family.

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fly fit with Vitality!

Trev’s Hot Spots

a walk on the wild side

pictures: istock; supplied

T

he other day, my cousin Bennie told me the craziest thing. He said the closest he’s ever been to wildlife was when he had a run-in with a Parktown prawn in his bathroom.

‘Nooit, Boet,’ I said. ‘You live in Africa; there are practically zebras and lions in your backyard.’ He said that his wife wouldn’t allow animals in the backyard. But I said: ‘No man, we have to get you on a safari.’

Bennie thought we’d never be able to afford a safari in a million years. But I found this crazy affordable kulula package deal: from only R4 579 per person sharing, we could get three nights in the four-star Simbavati River Lodge in the Kruger National Park.

Bennie’s wife Lulu insisted on coming too. She was going on about cougars wanting to get their claws into Bennie, and felt she had to keep an eye on him.

When we got to the Simbavati River Lodge, even Lulu was speechless. It’s really a sight for sore eyes. The lodge is set on the banks of the Nhlaralumi River and shaded by impressive ancient trees.

We were shown to our luxury safari tents, which were great: they had en-suite bathrooms and eco-friendly air-con. Each tent also had a private deck, where we could look out over the African bushveld while sipping a few cold ones.

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In the morning, we woke up to coffee and rusks before heading out on a game drive. We spotted zebras and a couple of giraffes. And Bennie nearly fell out of the truck trying to get a selfie with an elephant, which turned out to be a big rock.

We were hungry as hippos after our drive, and glad to see the big breakfast waiting for us back at the lodge. We spent the rest of the morning lounging by the pool, just soaking up the sights and sounds of the bushveld. Lulu had a quick treatment at the lodge’s spa before we had a light lunch and went on our second game drive for the day. Later, dinner was served around the campfire in an open-air boma – what a jol!

By the end of our three-day stay, Bennie was really chuffed to have spotted zebras, giraffes, lions, cheetahs and a hippo. Lulu said something about a cougar being in the lodge’s bar one night, but I think she might’ve had one too many rock shandies.

This kulula deal is for three nights’ stay in a luxury safari tent. It includes all meals and two game drives per day, and excludes drinks and personal items. This deal is only open to South African residents, valid from 1 April to 30 June 2015, and you must book 30 days in advance.

Check you next time!

Trev (Package details correct at time of printing.)

Looking out for your next endurance adventure?

Join the Team Vitality movement and get up to 25% or 50% cashback on entry fees for some of SA’s most popular races! You also get a starter pack with over R1 000 worth of vouchers, plus Vitality points for completing races. You can even earn points when training at Adventure Boot Camp, selected CrossFit affiliates, S.W.E.A.T. 1000 and BUC facilities – simply activate Vitality Fit and get 25% cashback. Plus, with up to 35% off kulula.com flights on Vitality, crossing the country for the next race is a breeze, so book now!

Rent a car with your flight and get a 10% discount, or get the best rates with Europcar.

Got some eBucks? Pay or part-pay for your next kulula flight using your eBucks.

Choose your favourite Tsogo Sun hotel and let kulula book your room. Now that’s luxury you can afford.

Protea Hotels ensure your stay with them is as unique as the kulula experience.

Try out any one of the hotels – you won’t forget the experience.

twitter.com/kulula facebook.com/iflykulula

THE NOTICEBOARD be part of our cool community Join the conversation on social media, and we’ll keep you in the loop with our flight specials and travel offers. Log on when you land, so that we can get to know each other better.

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pet’s policy W

e have partnered with BidAir Cargo in order to enhance our current pet experience. As of 4 May 2015, we will no longer accept domestic pets or live animals at our check-in counters. This excludes service dogs, which are permitted at check-in and in the cabin.

BidAir Cargo provides a modernised and animal-friendly environment for the acceptance and delivery of domestic pets. Therefore, rest assured that your pets are in good hands when travelling with us.

So if you want to travel with Percy the puff adder or Daleen the dassie, please visit www.petlounge.co.za, call the BidAir Call Centre on 0800 22 11 39 or email animals@bidaircargo.com.

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GUIDE | WESTERN CAPE

What’s on Western Cape Trail run Put on your running shoes and get ready for the IMPI Challenge obstacle trail run, starting at the Lievland Wine Estate. Challenge yourself and your friends to a fun, healthy adventure, and while the course is exhilarating, it’s easy enough for anyone to complete. Tickets are R100-R550, contact info@impichallenge.co.za.

Please note: What does a runner drink when he/she is slacking? Ketchup.

MOTHER CITY MUNCHIES 10-12 April

Culinary festival Taste of Cape Town returns to the Mother City for three days of foodie heaven. Create your very own dream tasting menu from more than 10 of the city’s latest, greatest and hottest restaurants in the beautiful and spacious alfresco setting of the Green Point Cricket Club. Tickets are R80-R750, available at the door or at www.itickets.co.za.

Please note: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

KILLING THE PAIN 14-19 April

Concert Celebrating 28 years on stage, multitalented entertainer Nataniël returns to the Artscape Theatre with his new show Prophets and Painkillers. Based on his extraordinary career, Nataniël’s new show promises to capture the audience with his signature Afrikaans and English stories. Tickets are R100-R250, available from Computicket. For more info, contact 021 410 9838 or email artscape@artscape.co.za.

Please note: People laughed at me when I told them I intended to become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

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BEATS FROM BEYOND 17 April (Cape Town) 18 April (Jo-burg)

Music festival International electronic music act Above and Beyond will be bringing their We are all We Need Album Tour to the West Coast Ostrich Ranch and the Johannesburg Expo Centre this month. The album debuted at number 12 on the UK Albums Chart and at number one on the Dance/Electronic Albums Chart. Tickets are R450-R750, available from Computicket. For more info, contact 021 972 1669 or email info@ostrichranch.co.za.

Please note: An emu was kicked out of the zoo for being too big. He was ostrich-sized.

OUT OF THIS WORLD 17-19 April

Lifestyle festival The Constantia Food and Wine Festival, on at The Constantia Uitsig Wine Estate, will showcase over 40 of the finest wines and delicious foods from some of the city’s top restaurants. Tickets are R160 for adults and R30 for children, contact 083 679 4495.

For more info, visit www.constantiafoodandwine.co.za or email info@constantiafoodandwine.co.za.

Please note: ‘I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.’ – Groucho Marx

PARKING OFF 2 May (Cape Town) 3 May (Jo’burg)

Lifestyle festival The Parklife Gourmet Food and Music Festival, on at the West Coast Ostrich Ranch in Cape Town and Marks Park in Jo’burg, offers great live entertainment and a gourmet food village – all in one relaxed environment. Confirmed acts include Modest Mouse, American Authors, Klingande, Prime Circle, Kahn and Jeremy Loops.

Tickets are R395-R495. For more information and to book your tickets, visit www.parklifefestival.co.za.

Please note: What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

text: roxanne jones; pictures: supplied

THE CHALLENGE’S ON! 11-12 April

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GUIDE | WESTERN CAPE

Eat Western Cape A SALAD LIKE NO OTHER

THE FIRST LADY’S NO FOOL

Chef Karen Dudley’s teeny tiny café, The Kitchen, shot to fame when Michelle Obama popped in for tea and a love sandwich on her 2013 visit to Cape Town. The posh-nosh brigade was shocked at the First Lady’s choice of this shabby-chic eatery. They started a foolish rumour that Mrs O had made a mistake and had actually meant to go to the posher Test Kitchen restaurant up the road. Mrs O is no fool; she knew exactly where she was going and why. The food at The Kitchen is delicious, unpretentious and ethically sourced. The First Lady loved chef Dudley’s beetroot, apple and coriander salad. But don’t take her word for it; try it for yourself.

117 Sir Lowry Road, Woodstock, Cape Town, 021 461 0463.

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RECIPE BEETROOT, APPLE AND CORIANDER SALAD

4 medium beetroots, boiled until tender, peeled and grated 4 medium Granny Smith apples, roughly peeled and grated ½ cup vinaigrette 1 Tbsp honey (optional) 70g chopped coriander Salt and black pepper to taste • Combine all ingredients together.

• Arrange in a deep-serving platter or bowl.

• Eat with a VIP.

text: anna trapido; pictures: supplied

At The Test Kitchen, chef Luke Dale Roberts serves a dish called Luke’s Caprese Dessert. The dish is inspired by the Caprese salad, but is deconstructed and reconfigured in a manner that might fool even the most astute of food lovers. Not the tomato and cheese mélange of days past, this pudding is made with basil-poached tomatoes and gooseberries, with fresh stracciatella cheese. Served with frozen yoghurt snowballs and olive tuile shards. Foolish but fun.

The Old Biscuit Mill, 375 Albert Road, Woodstock, 021 447 2337, www.thetestkitchen.co.za.

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GUIDE | WESTERN CAPE

Dress Western Cape

Often the weather in the Cape can leave everyone scratching their heads in confusion, but these April styles will keep you confusion-free, at least.

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text: christian schroeder; images: supplied

(Clockwise from top left) Having that one go-to outfit makes life a whole lot simpler. Try out this one-shoulder geometric-print dress from Ruff Tung.

R595, available at Spree.co.za.

Every man needs a good K-Way item in his closet. This Hernando three-in-one jacket is perfectly versatile for the Cape’s autumn. R1 399, available from Cape Union Mart.

For an urban yet refined look, pair these black canvas sneakers with formal trousers and a wellfitted hoodie. R299, available from Woolworths.

After slaving over a hot stove for hours, is there anything more annoying than burning your hands on a bowl of two-minute noodles? With these superhero oven gloves, your hands will be snug, safe and trendy. R190, available from Big Blue.

If you’re thinking of maturing your look a bit this season, then this blue-patent handbag from Queue Shoes is a great piece to start with. R349, available at Spree.co.za.

The creator of this ankle boot calls the print ‘animal-inspired’. If you’re into the whole Cruella de Vil aesthetic, then these are awesome. R1 599, available from Woolworths.

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Advertorial Advertorial Advertorial Advertorial

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Hopefully we’re going steadilysee see more signs the hospitalityindustry’s industry’s efforts Hopefully we’re going toto steadily more signs ofofthe hospitality efforts toto Hopefully we’re going to see more signs the industry’s efforts to Hopefully we’re going to steadily steadily see more signs of ofmoney the hospitality hospitality industry’s efforts to provide more what travelers want and stop wasting on the frills nobody will miss provide more ofof what travelers want and stop wasting money on the frills nobody miss We own ourwill own buildings and let them o provide more of what travelers want and stop wasting money on the frills nobody will miss provide more of whatMD travelers want and stopGroup. wasting money on the frills nobody will miss Marc Wachsberger, of The Capital Hotel - Marc Wachsberger, MD ofofThe Capital Hotel Group. burn badly.

-- Marc Wachsberger, MD The Capital Hotel Group.

Marc Wachsberger, MD of The Capital Hotel Group.

The Capital Hotel Group revolutionized medium and long-term traveler. The con combines the best of both worlds - a f catering apartments and a host of facili both business and leisure travelers.

About TheCapital CapitalHotel HotelGroup Group About The About AboutThe TheCapital CapitalHotel HotelGroup Group The Capital, started with two small leased properties 2008, today owns propertiesacross across Sandton (including The Capital The Capital, started with two small leased properties inin 2008, today owns sixsix properties Sandton (including The Capital The Capital, started with two small leased properties inin 2008, today owns six across Sandton (including The Capital The Capital, started with two small leased properties 2008, today owns six properties properties across including Sandton (including The Capital Empire, Moloko, 20 West, Villa, Hydro and Esprit) with another five at various stages development including TheCapital Capital Bath Empire, Moloko, 2020 West, Villa, Hydro and Esprit) with another five at various stages ofof development The ononBath Empire, Moloko, West, Hydro and Esprit) with another five at stages of including Empire, Moloko, 20 West,Villa, Villa, Hydro and Esprit) with anotherSandton five atvarious various stages ofdevelopment development includingThe TheCapital Capitalon onBath Bath Rosebank (to be launched early 2016), Cape Town, Pretoria, Sandton (Mushroom Park) and Hyde Park. inin Rosebank (to be launched early 2016), Cape Town, Pretoria, (Mushroom Park) and Hyde Park. ininRosebank Rosebank(to (tobe belaunched launchedearly early2016), 2016),Cape CapeTown, Town,Pretoria, Pretoria,Sandton Sandton(Mushroom (MushroomPark) Park)and andHyde HydePark.

Park. www.thecapital.co.za || +27 (0)11 290 9700 www.thecapital.co.za | +27 (0)11 290 9700 www.thecapital.co.za +27 (0)11 290 9700 www.thecapital.co.za | +27 (0)11 290 9700

Capital AdvertorialKhuluma.indd Khuluma.indd Capital Advertorial 11 Capital Khuluma.indd CapitalAdvertorial Advertorial Khuluma.indd 11 Untitled-2 1

About The Capital Hotel Group

The Capital, started with two small leased propertie Empire, Moloko, 20 West, Villa, Hydro and Esprit) with in Rosebank (to be launched early 2016), Cape Town

Hotel Group Hotel Hotel Group HotelGroup Group

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GUIDE | WESTERN CAPE

Unreserved wonder

E

very day around dusk at Inverdoorn, guests have the opportunity to witness the running of the cheetahs. There are 19 of these lithe animals at the reserve – 17 in breeding and rehabilitation programmes – and two beyond rehabilitation, the latter acting as feline ambassadors for their endangered species.

It’s not too bad being an ambassador.

Sure, you get led around the crystal-clear swimming pool on a leash a couple of times a day while gawking humans snap pics, but otherwise you get fed, doted upon, and you get to laze about on the grass while young rangers talk about you.

As for the others, it’s not a shabby life either, but they have to sing – or run – for their supper. A lure is attached to a cable on a pulley at the far end of a dusty stretch of ground, and the cats chase after it, being rewarded with a piece of chicken for their efforts. The purpose of this is to train their

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hunting instincts so they can eventually be released into the main reserve, where they can hunt and breed.

It’s this spectacle that I’m watching from a platform raised above the arid scrub, as the crimson hues of the horizon blend in with the darkening sky overhead in that special way they only do in the Karoo. The lure is set, the race is on, and I chase the beast through my telephoto lens – photographer vs the fastest land animal, snapping shots of blurred scrub and outstretched limbs and puffs of dust rising from airborne paws. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

Cheetah conservation is the major focus of the reserve, situated in the Ceres Karoo, two-and-a-half hours from Cape Town, but you’ll find the Big Five here too, along with wildebeest, springbok, hippo and giraffe, among others, scattered across its 10 000 hectares. On offer are day-trip and overnight safaris, the opportunity to walk

with giraffes, as well as interactions with the tame cheetahs (subject to the season and booking option).

If you’re staying overnight (and you really should; the Karoo is best appreciated at dusk and dawn), you can stay in one of the three-star guesthouses, four- or fivestar chalets, or throw whole hog at it in the five-star ambassador suite.

Meals are served by the aforementioned pool, with buffet breakfasts and lunches, and dinner served à la carte and preceded by drinks and snacks around blazing logs in the communal fire pit. It feels like your own private colonial oasis.

Back in civilisation, though, I still find myself going back to those photographs.

There’s something about witnessing one of the superlatives of the animal world in action that tethers your soul to a place, to a moment beneath a darkening Karoo sky.

Ceres Karoo, 021 434 4639, www.inverdoorn.com.

pictures: supplied, anthony sharpe

Anthony Sharpe chases cheetahs at Inverdoorn Game Reserve and Iziba Safari Lodge.

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GAUTENG | GUIDE

What’s on Gauteng BUILDING BLOCKS 3 April – 2 August

Art exhibition LEGO fanatics can enter the colourful world of plastic bricks at The Art of the Brick SA, on at the The Zone @ Rosebank.

Expect sculptures made of up to 80 000 LEGO bricks in an exhibition described by CNN as one of the world’s top 10. Tickets are R95 for children and R140 for adults, available at www.computicket.com.

For more information, go to www.theartofthebricksa.com.

Please note: You cannot download The LEGO Movie illegally – you will get blocked.

PEDAL POWER 11-12 April

text: roxanne jones, anthony sharpe; pictures: supplied

Cycle race Cycling enthusiasts can look forward to an exciting day at The Cradle Cycle Festival, starting at Maropeng. More than a 1 000 cyclists will take to the road, while spectators can indulge in a number of mouthwatering food and beverage stands before, during and after the race. Entry is free. For more info, contact 014 577 9000 or visit Maropeng.co.za.

Please note: What is the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?

The pavement.

TAKE IT BACK – WAY, WAY BACK 21 April – 31 May

Music show Jump on the train back to the 80s with this most spectacular rock show, the 80s Rewind Show, on at the Barnyard Theatre. Boogie to hits by popular artists such as Duran Duran, The Police, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty and Steve Miller. Tickets are R100-R165, available at www.barnyardtheatres.co.za or email iris@barnyardtheatres.co.za.

Please note: ‘The earth has music for those who listen.’

– Shakespeare

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PROTEST THIS! 24 April (Pretoria) 25, 29 April (Jo’burg) 2 May (Stellenbosch)

Live music Following a once-off show at Krank’d Up 2014 in September, Canadian tech-metal band Protest the Hero returns to SA for four shows: 24 April at Arcade Empire in Pretoria; 25 April at Sundowners Sports Bar in Alberton; 29 April at Rumours Lounge in Weltevreden Park; and 2 May at the Klein Libertas Theatre in Stellenbosch. Tickets are R275, available from Computicket. For more info, follow Protest the Hero on Facebook and Twitter.

Please note: I’m in a heavy-metal band. I play lead.

PARTY FREE 25 April (Pretoria) 27 April (Cape Town)

Music festival Freedom Fest 2015 is on at SuperSport Park in Centurion and the West Coast Ostrich Ranch in Cape Town this month, with four top international bands and 10 local acts taking to the stage.

Tickets are R495, available at www.freedomfestsa.co.za.

Please note: Appeals for organisers to embrace the concept of ‘free partying’ have thus far been ignored, judging by the ticket price.

COLOUR ME CRAZY 1 May

Festival Colour-crazy fanatics can join in on the ultimate Holi One Colour Festival, on at the Riversands Incubation Hub. Expect a kaleidoscope of colours, thousands of colour-loving people, a great DJ line-up, a new ‘Colour Day and Neon Night’ theme and, of course, loads of fun. Tickets are R190-R290, available at www.riversandsihub.co.za or email info@riversandsihub.co.za.

Please note: The purest and most thoughtful minds are those who love colour the most.

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GUIDE | GAUTENG

RECIPE SEDGWICK’S ORIGINAL OLD BROWN SHERRY STEAK

Captain James Sedgwick was a salty English sea dog who made the Cape his home in 1853. In the early 1860s, he turned his talents to alcoholic beverages, and the brand that eventually became Sedgwick’s Original Old Brown Sherry was born. Since then, we’ve all assumed that the captain meant for us to drink his product, but it’s good for other things too.

The good people at Sedgwick’s suggest it as an ingredient in this fine steak recipe.

4 rib-eye steaks, about 2.5cm thick 30ml olive oil Sea-salt flakes Freshly ground black pepper

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT – ’CAUSE IT’S TRUE

When genuine news is published on April Fool’s Day, it’s sometimes mistaken for a joke. For example, when Google launched Gmail with 1-gigabyte inboxes in 2004, an era when competing services offered 4MB or less, many people assumed it was a joke. Similarly, Southern Sun recently announced that by 2017, all their restaurants will only be serving SASSI green-listed seafood. No other gaming, hospitality and entertainment group in Africa has yet to commit to this goal. But as of end March 2015, Lacuna Restaurant at the Maslow Hotel has produced a SASSI green-list-compliant menu, including the likes of farmed oysters with cucumber and mint salsa, hake tempura with jalapeño dressing, and pan-seared sea bass with crushed potatoes and a caper sauce. Not an April Fool’s joke, but an honest-to-goodness improvement.

Lacuna Restaurant, Maslow Hotel, Sandton, 010 226 4600, lacuna.bistro@suninternational.com.

FOOD TO FOOL YOU

Many April Fool’s Day jokes rely on something not being what it seems.

Natural Life is a shopping mall-based health-food shop that sells the Tofutti range of tofu products, which can ‘fool’ you into thinking you’re eating cheese, ice cream and other dairy products.

Brooklyn Mall, Bronkhorst Street, Brooklyn, 012 460 9159, naturallife@mweb.co.za.

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For the mushroom sauce: See p etails. for d 30ml butter 30ml olive oil 30ml finely chopped garlic 300g mixed mushrooms (portabellini, king oysters, porcini and button) chopped 125ml Sedgwick’s Original Old Brown Sherry 125ml double-thick cream 10ml dark soy sauce Freshly ground black pepper • In a big, heavy-based pan, fry the mushrooms in butter and olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and season to taste. Keep aside in the pan.

• Heat a second pan until piping hot. Brush each steak with olive oil and season on both sides with salt and pepper. Sear for two minutes on each side.

• Remove the steaks from the pan and set aside to rest while you finish the sauce.

• Deglaze the hot steak pan with the Sedgwick’s Original Old Brown Sherry.

• Place the mushrooms back on the heat, and pour the sherry with the pan juices into it.

• Add the cream, soy sauce and a good grinding of black pepper.

• Serve with mushroom sauce.

text: anna trapido; pictures: supplied

Eat Gauteng

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GUIDE | GAUTENG

Dress Gauteng

April is the month of foolishness, so here are some failsafe fashion items for the fiercely foolish out there.

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text: christian schroeder; images: supplied

(Clockwise from top left) Good denim can easily be the most stylish thing in any man’s (or woman’s) wardrobe. This mid-blue shirt from Sergeant Pepper is sophisticated and fun. R699, available from Stuttafords.

John Lennon’s musical talent was legendary and his style revolutionary. In his honour, we recommend these Beatles-era-inspired retroround shades. R240, available at Spree.co.za.

To some, this Crocs women’s Springi flat shoe could be pegged as the ugliest pump in existence.

Others not only love it for its comfort factor, but also its style … apparently. R199, available from Cape Union Mart.

If you’re looking for an understated yet bold dress to enjoy the last few days of warm weather, try this black-and-white rose-print tulip dress from Ruff Tung. R1 100, available at Spree.co.za.

This graphic pick-up-and-go shopper from Country Road is a must-have for lazy weekend outings. R699, available from Woolworths.

This metallic-pink knit snood is the one thing you never knew you wanted, but now absolutely need – if you’re going for the fairy godmother look, that is.

R180, available from Woolworths.

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34 34 34 North North North Rand Rand Rand Rd Rd Rd 34 34 34 North North North Rand Rand Rand Rd Rd Rd 34 North Rand Rd Boksburg Boksburg Boksburg Boksburg Boksburg Boksburg Boksburg T: T:T: 011-823-6964 011-823-6964 011-823-6964 T:T:T: 011-823-6964 011-823-6964 011-823-6964 T: 011-823-6964 T: T:T: 011-823-2572 011-823-2572 011-823-2572 T:T:T: 011-823-2572 011-823-2572 011-823-2572 T: 011-823-2572 E: E:E: info@shoeempire.co.za info@shoeempire.co.za info@shoeempire.co.za E: E:E: info@shoeempire.co.za info@shoeempire.co.za info@shoeempire.co.za E: info@shoeempire.co.za

SHOE SHOE SHOE EM EM PIRE PIRE SHOE SHOE SHOE EM EM EM EMPIRE PIRE PIRE PIRE SHOE EM PIRE WE WE WE shoe shoe shoe AWAY AWAY AWAY HIGH HIGH HIGH PRICES PRICES PRICES

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GUIDE | GAUTENG

Capital!

Y

ou could stay at The Capital Empire. You could step out onto the balcony of your one-bedroom suite with a cup of coffee you brewed in your own kitchen and watch the Stars & Stripes fluttering above the US Embassy next door. You could pop downstairs to the gym and jump on a treadmill so posh, it’s basically an iPad with some moving parts.

But at some point, you’re going to have to go home. And once you’re there, you won’t have beautiful plates of food presented to you by attentive staff from the Veranda@Empire restaurant. You can’t splash water from your pool over the wall and into US territory (perhaps cautiously).

Your home won’t be decorated in tasteful shades of grey and silver, and you won’t have a shower cubicle so big that you could mount a towel rail on the opposite wall and not worry about your towel getting damp.

In short, you’ll be disappointed.

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The Capital Empire gives you the chance to claim an address – if only for a little while – in exclusive Sandhurst, where your neighbours will be old-money mining magnates and new-money politicians. A recent addition to ‘the richest square mile in Africa’, Capital Empire is just a 70m walk from Sandton City, moments from the Sandton Gautrain Station and a stroll from the myriad new buildings reshaping the Sandton skyline. The hotel lays on complimentary shuttle services to Nelson Mandela Square and the Gautrain station, so you could pretend to be Harvey Specter en route to crush another case, even if you’re only popping out for some air.

The location is all business, but the facilities are all-encompassing. The Capital Empire can accommodate 250 conference delegates in five different venues, it has an ‘Arrivals Lounge’ for those wanting to catch their breath after jetting in to close a big

business deal, and Wi-Fi is complimentary.

On the other hand, the rooftop garden offers a rare tranquil space in the midst of Sandton’s bustle and the slick gym has enough equipment to help you thrash out any post-merger tension. And, regardless of whether you’re staying in a standard room; one-, two- or three-bedroom suite; or one of six palatial two- or three-bedroom penthouses, you’ll have access to 24-hour room service and a chance to wallow in a king-size, extra-length bed.

The Veranda@Empire restaurant serves food that’s better dressed than you, and boasts an eye-watering array of wines, with a cocktail list that’ll facilitate a celebration for just about any occasion.

There may be no place like home, but there’s no place quite like The Capital Empire, either.

177 Empire Place, Sandton, 011 911 5000, www.thecapital.co.za.

pictures: supplied

Trevor Crighton suits up and lives the executive high life at The Capital Empire.

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

What’s on KZN SPLASH OUT 2-6 April

Music festival South Africa’s longest-running music festival, Splashy Fen offers multiple stages, top-class sound and lighting, and a four-day line-up of the very best in SA music, including aKING, Shortstraw, The Plastics, Taxi Violence, BEAST, Majozi and Hot Water. Tickets are R625, available from Computicket.

For more info, go to www.splashyfen.co.za.

Please note: What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaa.

TAYLOR-MADE COMEDY 14-25 April

Live comedy Stuart Taylor brings his latest side-splitting show, BeSpoke, to the Elizabeth Sneddon Theatre at the University of KwaZulu-Natal. The show sees Stuart getting back to basics with no-holds-barred stand-up comedy that doesn’t shy away from sensitive issues. Tickets are R96 before 14 April, R120 thereafter, available from Computicket.

Please note: Want to hear a joke about a tailor? No? Fine, suit yourself!

What’s on Garden Route text: roxanne jones; pictures: supplied

SLOW DOWN 3-5 April

Festival The Sedgefield Slow Festival is all about taking it easy and celebrating the real things in life: family; friends; fun; the outdoors; and great food. There will be entertainment galore and great competitions with loads of prizes to be won. And best of all, the money raised at the festival will be donated to charities in the area. Check out www.slowfestival.co.za for more info.

Please note: Speeding fines will be issued to those who don’t get into the spirit of proceedings.

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LIVING IN STYLE 2 May

Lifestyle expo For ideas on giving your home the perfect makeover, hop on over to the Lifestyle Expo and Highland Gathering, on at Hutchinson Park. This expo will be displaying a variety of exhibitors, selling everything from home-and-garden products to outdoor-and-leisure goods and beauty supplies. The special kids’ zone, delicious food and beverage stalls and relaxed atmosphere are sure to be fun for the whole family. Tickets are R40 for adults and R20 for kids, email atevents@bigevents365.co.za or call 031 904 1578 for more info.

Please note: ‘Design is thinking made visual.’ – Saul Bass

BUG OFF 25 April

Awareness day The aim of World Malaria Day is to create awareness of everything about malaria, a global scourge, that is both preventable and curable.

This international campaign is held every year on 25 April and their motto is ‘Invest in the Future, Defeat Malaria’. For more info, go to www.worldmalariaday.org.

Please note: Mosquitoes have killed more people throughout history than anything else. There’s nothing funny about that.

TICKLED PINK 29 April – 3 May

Festival The Pink Loerie Mardi Gras offers four days of non-stop entertainment, starting at the Zanzibar nightclub.

Expect thousands of people, flamboyant costumes, a great DJ line-up, vendors selling delicious food and many competitions. For more info, go to www.pinkloerie.co.za.

Please note: Unfortunately, Pink will not be performing at this festival.

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GUIDE | KWAZULU-NATAL

Eat KwaZulu-Natal The Boiler Room Café is so called because it’s located in the original boiler room of the late, lamented Lion Match factory, which is now an office park. Head chef Charlie Lakin has appeared on UK TV show The Great British Menu, and in one episode, the theme was ‘comic relief’. The chefs were required to make an edible April Fool and chef Lakin made dog poo out of duck parfait. At the Boiler Room, he’s much more tasteful, but still full of jokes. The menu includes a Boris Becker milkshake, a German ginger cake, and a flaming orange meringue.

Lion Match Office Park, 892 Umgeni Road, Durban, 031 312 9134.

WHO’S FOOLING WHO?

There’s no fooling, The Jackie Cameron School of Food and Wine starts on April 7 2015 (not the 1st) in Hilton, KZN. The multi-award-winning chef (previously of Hartford House in Mooi River fame) has planned an 18-month, intensive, internationally recognised course, with a maximum intake of 15 students.

When asked about her favourite foodie trick, Jackie says she likes to ‘make truffles which look like a little, sweet, decadent chocolate treat dusted in cocoa powder, but when you bite into it, your taste buds erupt with a tobacco savoury flavour’.

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She feels that ‘this is what the Jackie Cameron School of Food and Wine is all about; teaching the classics, such as hand-tempering chocolate, but then modernising and adding an interesting twist’. Unfortunately, Jackie won’t part with her tobacco truffle recipe – for that you will need to sign up for her school – but she has kindly supplied her regular chocolate truffle recipe.

RECIPE CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES 100g dark chocolate 2 tsp brandy 10g icing sugar 80g butter 1 egg yolk Cocoa for dusting

• Melt the chocolate, brandy, sugar and butter over a double boiler.

• Whisk in the egg yolk and refrigerate in a container.

• When set, cut into shapes and dust with cocoa.

text: anna trapido; pictures: supplied

BOIL AND TROUBLE

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

Dress KwaZulu-Natal Even Durbs will be cooling down a little over the next few weeks.

That doesn’t mean your look should do the same.

text: christian schroeder; images: supplied

(Clockwise from top left) If you’re keen for a casual day out, this funky tank top from Guess is just the ticket. R349, available at Spree.co.za.

Whether you’re going for a perfectly styled chignon or lazy hair-down day, this hot-pink bow hairband from Funky Fish is just what you need.

R29, available at Spree.co.za.

If you have to look formal, but don’t want to sacrifice on comfort, try this pair of mock-leather high-tops with cool contrast laces. R499, available from Woolworths.

This watercolour-print tunic from Fortune features a really cool and super-feminine autumnal design. R450, available at Spree.co.za.

Boxers or briefs? Is this not the single most annoying question ever? There are these things called boxer briefs. They’re pretty neat. R199, available from Woolworths.

Strictly speaking, this isn’t a fashion item. But the extra-shot coffee mug is something just about anyone could do with. Fill your little shot flask up with whatever you like and you’ll breeze through the day. R190, available from Big Blue.

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

The place beyond the pines Will Edgcumbe finally finds a reason to not drive straight through Pinetown at the Premier Hotel Pinetown.

pictures: supplied

M

ostly industrial and set in something of a depression (subtext!) between the leafy suburbs of Kloof and Westville, with respect to those who live there, Pinetown is not generally considered to be much of a destination. Even Pinetown doesn’t pretend it has anything going for it, other than a 24-hour McDonald’s and a close proximity to Durban.

So staying in Pinetown has always been a bit of a drag, or something you did if you were doing a bit of business in the area, such as visiting factories or reenacting Breaking Bad with your mates.

But whatever your reason for choosing to stay in Pinetown, there’s at least a decent place to do your time.

The Premier Hotel Pinetown, set in one of the few quiet pockets of the area on the ambitiously named Kings Road, has 100 rooms that were refurbished last year, and consequently the hotel is

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much more luxurious than its three stars might suggest, showing once more how tricksy the star-rating system is – some three star-rated spots feel like a back room in some pit village. Anyway, what we’re getting at it is that this hotel is rather nice and somewhat transportative (and if that wasn’t a word before, it is now), making you think you’re up to 10 kilometres away in another suburb.

The rooms have all the facilities you’d expect from a decent hotel – large en-suite bathroom, assorted tea and coffee facilities, good linen, a platter with pleasingly carved fruit on it, DStv, and so forth. So it’s all rather nice then.

There’s also room service, which is a win, because there’s nothing quite like watching cricket in bed in nothing but boxers while stuffing your face with two helpings of malva pudding. And then calling for a third, fourth maybe, and feeling no shame at all.

The hotel has recently given its menu a complete overhaul, and now offers meals previously unheard of in the area: Thai fish cakes with red-chilli mayonnaise; springbok carpaccio; Malay chicken-and-prawn curry; traditional Austrian sachertorte … you get the idea.

Conferencing is also kind of a big deal at the hotel, with seven conference rooms of various sizes on offer, seating 12 to 150 delegates in various configurations, and with all the usual gear you’d need supplied.

Basically, the hotel gives one pause for thought. It’s only 15 minutes from Durban, meaning you can stay in a hotel that’s a lot nicer than most of the ones you’ll find on the beachfront, for half the price, so you’ll have more money to spend on the things you want to do. Even if it’s reenacting Breaking Bad with your mates.

65 Kings Road, Pinetown, 031 701 0130, www.premierhotels.co.za.

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GARDEN ROUTE | GUIDE

Eat Garden Route A FOOL FOR FLAVOUR

text: anna trapido; pictures: supplied

April fishies wanting to stay in and cook up a storm will love Lalla’s – The Spice King. Established in 1951 by the current owner, Anil Kooverjee’s grandfather (Lalla was grandpa’s first name), the shop’s slogan is ‘You Name it, We Flavour it’.

Those who just pop in for a visit will soon discover that it’s not a quiet spot; Lalla’s is such a local landmark that the taxi drivers use the little shop as a route stop, shouting out ‘Laaaaallas!’ as they pass. Fantastic fish masalas are the speciality of the house.

Corner of Cotterel Street and Standford Road, Korsten, Port Elizabeth, 041 451 2485, spiceman@icon.co.za.

DON’T BE FOOLED: FLAVOURED BEER IS STILL BEER

Flavoured beer is actually just real beer made from water, malted barley and hops, and then infused with various spices, herbs, fruits and other delicious oddities during the brewing process.

The most widely marketed South African flavoured beer is South African Brewery’s Flying Fish, which is available in lemon and orange flavours.

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Another local flavoured craft beer favourite is Van Hunks Pumpkin Ale, which is a blend of butternut and pumpkin, infused with coriander, cinnamon and nutmeg.

Internationally, bonkers brewers have created beers such as the Michigan Right Brain Brewery’s Mangalitsa Pig Porter, brewed using cold-smoked Mangalitsa pork, which the brewers say gives it ‘a smokey flavour with a bacon finish’.

The 21st Amendment Brewery in San Francisco has a flavoured beer named Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer, which is put through a secondary fermentation using fresh watermelon. The brewers describe the flavour of this variant as ‘summer in a can’. Japanese brewer Chitoshi Nakahara has created a flavoured beer containing 30% milk, called Bilk.

THE PYROMANIAC’S COOKBOOK

If the beer is horrible, you can always use it to put out a fire.

The Pyromaniac’s Cookbook sounds as if it should be an April Fool’s Day prank, but apparently it’s not. Written

by John J Poister, this tome is available at Amazon.com.

You will be amazed how much food and drink can be improved by setting it on fire.

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GUIDE | GARDEN ROUTE

Dress Garden Route

April Fool’s Day and autumn coincide in South Africa. If you’re gonna be the butt of someone’s practical joke, at least look good when you kick their butts for it.

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text: christian schroeder; images: supplied

(Clockwise from top left) A fun geometric print is always a hit. This six-inch stiletto from Daniella Michelle works well with a darker palette. R499, available at Spree.co.za.

This simple colour-block black scoop T-shirt from Silent Theory is comfy, casual and classy.

R329, available at Spree.co.za.

Add a bright statement colour to an outfit that needs some TLC with this check-pleat wrap. R120, available from Woolworths.

Make a statement with a pair of these starlet skinny jeans this month – you’re sure to turn heads.

R1 000, available from Guess.

Stay snug in the upcoming months with this black-pleather combo jacket. R1 300, available from Guess.

This deep-indigo pair of jeans from Country Road is the perfect piece to upgrade your staple denim collection. R749, available from Woolworths.

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GARDEN ROUTE | GUIDE

The pain of pleasure…

Or why Gareth Pretorius wished he’d never visited Blackwaters River Lodge.

pictures: supplied

I

sn’t city life wonderful? The delightful roar of traffic, the effervescence of carbon monoxide, and the noxious threat of road rage. Oh the joys of concrete, litter and the constant babble of advertising to frazzle the soothed nerves.

The exquisite sensation of a hot metal fist squeezing your spine while you sit hunched at your desk for 10 hours a day, practising the ancient masochistic voodoo art of drinking 14 cups of coffee while inhaling 35 cigarettes during a 15-minute tea break.

Why would anyone swap this utopia for a peace of paradise tucked away in one of the most glorious corners of the country?

The eye-gasmic sight of the Goukamma River slowly caressing the foot of a green hill dotted with beehives and soporific sheep. The constant chorus of cicadas trying to drown out the twittering of birds.

Timeless days spent reclining around a swimming pool, sipping local craft beers delicately spiced with coriander and Seville oranges.

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The most terrifying part of it is that there are life-changing decisions that have to be made when faced with so much free time. Are you going to take a bash at the mashie golf course that winds in and out of indigenous bush; go for yet another canoe trip down the river towards the untouched, empty expanse of the exquisite Buffels Bay beach; or heavenly divinity forbid, go mountain biking through exceptional trails that rival some of the best in the country?

It doesn’t end there. After all this intensive, synapse-shattering decision making, you’ve still got to decide what to eat! Please no, don’t make me choose yet another taste-bud tingling meal from the on-site Earth and Fire restaurant. My belly yearns for microwave dinners; I can’t live without my MSG! And don’t even get me started on the bizarre rested sensation my body is experiencing from having to sleep for 10 hours a night in these gloriously decorated and sumptuous rooms.

What on earth could the owners and managers, Paul Theron and Elmay Bouwer, have been thinking when they created such a paradise to torture city dwellers? Why would they have teased and tantalised us with such a smorgasbord of sensory delights? If we’d never known of the hidden paradise that is Blackwaters River Lodge, we would have slouched on towards Bethlehem, imagining our lives were complete. But oh no, the horror … the horror … we’ve seen the other side and will sleep no more.

Once you’ve experienced the tranquil quality of Blackwaters Ridge Lodge, on the outskirts of Knysna, your life as you known will be kaput. Everything will forevermore compare, poorly, to this remarkable haven, where inescapable relaxation, serene surroundings and an overabundance of adventure await you.

Try it, if you dare.

N2 Highway, Goukamma, 044 383 0105, www.blackwaters.co.za.

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TOP TIPPLE | GUIDE

On the wagon Ingrid Graham is not joking about the selection of alcohol-free drinks available for every occasion.

THE DINNER

Hand-harvested wine cultivar grapes from the Stellenbosch district that have reached optimum ripeness go into the making of Inah grape juices. The range consists of a Merlot, Shiraz and wooded Cabernet Sauvignon, and has the appearance of natural wine sans alcohol.

Add a dash of soda to cut the sweetness or enjoy with strongly flavoured cheese at your next teetotaller’s bash.

THE MOCKTAIL

pictures: supplied, istock

Occasionally, you may want the cherry on top without the vodka, gin or tequila in your system – enter the Meg Ryan mocktail, an attractive alternative.

• 1 cup berries • 1 tsp lemon juice • 2 Tbsp honey • 1 cup soda water Blend together the berries, lemon juice and honey until smooth.

Add the soda water and pulse until combined.

Serve in a tall glass with a lemon slice and cherry on top – if you must.

THE CELEBRATION

You can pop the cork and fizz at your next celebration with a variety of non-alcoholic bubblies. JC Le Roux La Fleurette and Le Domaine, Robertson Winery white and rosé, Tulbagh Winery white and blush, and Caprice all declare ‘alcohol free’. But beware: with residual sugars of 80-149 grams per litre, you may end up with a dizzying sugar high.

THE PARTY PUNCH

• 1 litre orange juice • 500ml pineapple juice • 1 litre cranberry juice • 250ml fresh lime juice • 1 litre ginger ale • Lime leaves Combine the orange, cranberry and pineapple juice.

Stir in the lime juice.

Pour in the ginger ale slowly.

Add ice and, if you’re feeling a little bit adventurous, a few bruised lime leaves.

THE REFRESHER

AFTER-NINE VIRGIN SHOOTER

• 40ml sweetened espresso • 10ml fresh cream • 5ml peppermint extract Pour the espresso into a shot glass.

Float the cream on top of the coffee.

Float the peppermint extract on top of the cream.

Countries differ as to what qualifies as non-alcoholic beer. Label information ranges from 0-0.45% ABV, and still the beer is technically alcohol free. Therefore, if you’re drinking 500ml, less than half a teaspoon would be alcohol – far less than many over-the-counter meds. Try these refreshing brews: Bavaria Premium Malt at 0%ABV is available in a variety of flavours, including apple, peach and lemon.

Becks does a virgin lager with grainymalt sweetness and hoppy accents for those on the wagon.

Clausthaler Premium Classic makes for a refreshing summer pick-me-up.

* Alcohol sale prohibited to persons under 18 years of age. kulula.com

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Food Allergy WHAT IS A FOOD ALLERGY? The job of the body’s immune system is to identify and destroy germs that make you sick. A food allergy occurs when the immune system mistakenly identifies a harmless food protein – an allergen – as a threat and attacks it.

Unlike other types of food disorders, such as intolerances, food allergies are IgE mediated. This means that your immune system produces abnormally large amounts of an antibody called immunoglobulin E (IgE). These antibodies fight the ‘enemy’ food allergens by releasing histamine and other chemicals, which trigger the symptoms of an allergic reaction.

SYMPTOMS An allergic reaction to food can affect the skin, the gastrointestinal tract, the respiratory tract and, in the most serious cases, the cardiovascular system.

Reactions can range from mild to severe, including a potentially life-threatening condition known as anaphylaxis.

Food allergy can cause digestive problems such as stomach pain, diarrhoea and vomiting in adults, as well as in children. Food allergy is a growing, serious public health problem that affects both adults and children. Today, a wide range of foods has been reported to cause food allergies, and there has been a true rise in the prevalence of food allergies.

With food allergies, knowing what to avoid will not only help you or your child feel better today, but it may also help in avoiding more serious food allergy symptoms in the future.

TESTING FOR FOOD ALLERGIES There are dangers to leaving allergies untreated. Allergies may have serious implications on your quality of life, but this does not mean that they should rule your life.

Many people misdiagnose themselves when it comes to allergies. This is because the symptoms often overlap with other diseases. The concern is that when these conditions are misdiagnosed, they are not treated appropriately – which is hardly ideal and could lead to unnecessary medication and incorrect treatment.

This is why it’s so important to consult your doctor if you think you might have an allergy. Based on a physical examination, your case history and the blood test, the doctor will be able to make a proper diagnosis. A blood test will measure the presence of IgE antibodies in the blood to specific foods. Adults and children of any age can take a blood test and it can be performed irrespective of skin condition, medication, symptom, disease activity and pregnancy.

The test results will help you and your doctor customise a treatment approach that suits you. Reducing exposure to one or more of your allergic triggers can help reduce your symptoms and your need for medication.

Speak to your doctor about an allergy blood test.

Treat the cause, not the symptoms.

Visit http://info.thermoscientific.com/SouthAfricaAllergyReport to download your free Allergy e-book

Are the symptoms really signs of allergy?

Nasal congestion/sneezing, itchy/watery eyes and nose:

65%

• of patients diagnosed as having allergic rhinitis and prescribed antihistamine may not be allergic. 1, 2 Wheezing, coughing, breathing problems:

•

60%

Dry skin, pruritus, scratching:

30%-70%

• of infants and young children with eczema have underlying allergy. 3, 6

Rule in or rule out allergy early – ask your doctor for a specific IgE blood test to increase certainty Visit www.isitallergy.co.za to complete your Allergy Profile

Reveal the secrets behind

the allergy-like symptoms A single blood test that helps you to rule in or rule out allergy References: 1. Szeinbach SL, et al. J Manag Care Pharm. 2004 May–Jun;10(3): 234–8. 2. Welsh NR, et al. J Am Pharm Assoc 2006; 46(5): 627. 3. Host A, et al. Allergy. 2003 Jul; 58(7): 559–69.4. Milgrom H. AAAAI news release. Milwaukee, WI: American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology; June 17, 2003. 5. Allen-Ramey F. J Am Board Fam Pract. 2005; 18(5):434–9.

6. Spergel JM. Am J Clin Dermatol. 2008; 9(4): 233–44.

ThermoFisher Scientific 197 Fabriek Street Strijdom Park Randburg 2125. Tel 011 792 6790 Fax 011 793 1064 www.isitallergy.co.za www.thermoscientific.com/phadia/en-za

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90%

of children and of adults with asthma have allergy. 3-5

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BEAUTY | GUIDE

Mirror, mirror…

Looking good is no joke. Roxanne Jones brings us the latest beauty products to put some sparkle on your mug.

pictures: supplied

(Clockwise from top left) Daily beauty check-ups are essential, and that’s where the Revlon by Marchesa mirror comes in. Make sure you always look your best when you’re out and about with this trendy lightweight mirror. R100, available at spree.co.za.

Dermalogica’s sponge cloth will transform the way you cleanse your face. This super-soft cleansing cloth is bacteria resistant and machine washable, and helps to remove impurities and make-up from your face without irritation. R220, available from Dermalogica stockists.

Exfoliation is a must, especially after a hot summer. Try the Dermalogica exfoliating face brush, which is gentle enough to use on any skin type. R240, available at Dermalogica stockists.

To create perfect eyebrows, try this Sorbet tweezer. Whether you’re going for a skinny-brow look, curved-shape look or a neater appearance, this tweezer will do the trick. Plus, the safety cap prevents you from hurting yourself. R50, available from Sorbet stockists.

Get baby-soft feet with this easy-to-hold QVS 3-in-1 pedi-rock pod. The stainless-steel micro-file tackles rough skin, while the pumice stone gives a smoothing effect, and to round it off, use the carbide pad to polish. R110, available at selected Woolworths stores.

Why pay for a manicure when you can buy your own manicure set from Terra Brands? With more than seven beauty utensils in this set, you’re definitely getting value for money. R169, available at spree.co.za.

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WATCH | GUIDE

Watch this…

From California noir and ageing hit men to the fantastical afterlife and superhero smackdowns, April’s got popcorn for everyone.

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RUN ALL NIGHT

text: anthony sharpe; pictures: supplied

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

Release date: 24 April When Tony Stark (Iron Man) tries to jumpstart a dormant peacekeeping programme, things go awry and earth’s heroes – including Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye – are put to the test as the fate of the planet hangs in the balance. Yes, the fate of the planet always hangs in the balance in these films, but nobody has achieved that balance quite as beautifully as director Joss Whedon has in this genre.

Anticipatometer: n n n n n

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INHERENT VICE

THE BOOK OF LIFE

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

RUN ALL NIGHT

Release date: 17 April See p etails. for d Ten years ago, who would’ve pictured Liam Neeson as a bonafide action star? Taken changed his career trajectory, and his ageing action-man renaissance continues with this flick from director Jaume Collet-Sera, who directed him in 2014’s surprisingly good Non-Stop. Neeson plays mobster and hit man Jimmy Conlon, who has one night to figure out where his loyalties lie: with his estranged son, Mike (Joel Kinnaman), whose life is in danger, or his best friend, mob boss Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris), who wants Mike to pay for the death of his own son. It’s pretty standard action fare that’s lifted by its leading man’s gravitas and some tightly shot action sequences.

Anticipatometer: n n n n

THE BOOK OF LIFE Release date: : 24 April The Book of Life is an animated kids’ film about … death. But don’t let the subject matter put you off; this is the colourful land of the dead as depicted in Mexican folklore, vividly brought to life by director Jorge Gutiérrez and featuring some of the most breath-taking animated visuals seen in years. The film’s narrative unfortunately doesn’t pack the same punch as its visuals, but it’s a great way to entertain the kids.

Anticipatometer: n n n n

INHERENT VICE Release date: 2 April Despite a somewhat rambling narrative structure, this crime comedy-drama, based on the novel of the same name by Thomas Pynchon, does great justice to its source material and has received decent acclaim.

Joaquin Phoenix heads up the cast as Larry ‘Doc’ Sportello, a private eye who is drawn into a world of surfers, hustlers, dopers and rockers, a murderous loan shark, LAPD detectives, and a mysterious entity known as the Golden Fang.

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READ | GUIDE

Library lounge Hype up your hypothalamus with these wordy wonders.

MILD TO WILD: ADVENTURES AND ACTIVITIES IN SOUTHERN AFRICA

text: christian schroeder; pictures: supplied

HOW TO BE NORMAL: A GUIDE FOR THE PERPLEXED

GUY BROWNING ATLANTIC BOOKS LONDON An easy-to-read, laid-back guide on how to live life correctly, How to be Normal is a collection of short chapters on everything, from ‘How to be Soft’ to ‘How to Panic’ and just about every other situation imaginable. Browning is a talented author who could’ve been a successful comic, too. His social commentary is on point, his tone is light but honest, and the cultural references he makes as a cynical Brit will have you chuckling throughout. This is a must for anyone who appreciates straightforwardness, ironic cynicism and self-deprecating humour.

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FIONA MCINTOSH MAPSTUDIO Everyone from the most daring adrenaline junkies to the tamest sun bathers will enjoy MapStudio’s new guide on tourist activities in Southern Africa.

Covering the sub-continent from Kenya to the Cape, Mild to Wild: Adventures and Activities in Southern Africa is one of the most comprehensive collections of where to have fun – from bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls bridge and sand boarding down the dunes of Swakopmund to yachting on Lake Malawi. Each activity is rated based on intensity as ‘To do’ (the relaxing stuff), ‘Mild’ (pretty selfexplanatory) and ‘Wild’ (the hectic stuff).

A must read if you love adventures.

THE CONDUCTOR

SARAH QUIGLEY HEAD OF ZEUS LTD Dmtri Shostakovich’s Seventh Symphony was written during the Siege of Leningrad, which took place in WWII, as a galvanising hymn to the spirit of the Russian people. In The Conductor, Quigley mixes this extraordinarily destructive fact and fiction in her take on conflict, which lasted 872 days and killed more than 3-million people in Shostakovich’s home town. A heavy, sombre and serious read, Quigley manages to keep the reader enthralled while simultaneously developing the nitty-gritty story as history has it, ultimately creating a timeless love story.

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LISTEN | GUIDE

SHORTSTRAW

*This is what I really think.

YOUTHLESS BOOSH MUSIC Shortstraw have never been the smartest of guys. They take everything far too seriously.

It’s a wonder they have managed to secure the fanbase they have, considering their boring musical direction, average looks and whiny attitudes.

They think themselves clever because their album name is a play on the word useless, but I wonder if they realise that they’ve told us the truth about themselves.

The phrase ‘Don’t quit your day job’ should be the title of their next album. We’ll overlook their 30 000 Facebook likes and No. 1 spot on iTunes South Africa. Because an entire generation of South African youth can be wrong. It must be something in the craft beer.

AWOLNATION

pictures: supplied

*‘I Am’ is the best song you’ll hear this year.

RUN RED BULL RECORDS The record company for AWOLNATION should hand out free Red Bulls with every album so that listeners can get through Run without falling sleep. The band’s debut was gold-status glorious, but it took them a mere three years to bring us out of our reverie.

It was as if they were picking us up, just to drop us down.

Run is just another electro-rock album, but without the coolness of rock, the dynamism of electronic music or the appeal of pop.

Because, let’s face it, ‘I Am’ and ‘Hollow Moon’ are not some of the best songs you’ll hear all year. And electronic rock is past its sell-by date; no one is longing for its dark bass to party to through the night.

BEAST

BARDO INDEPENDENT BEAST is like a super-group of local musicians, but without being too beastly or too super. The whole idea of carnal, original and free-form music is so passé. It’s a meek attempt at something new and wholesome, and it barely breaks the sound barrier.

And if BEAST thinks that ‘art’ comes in the form of Bardo, then Inge Beckmann should just pack the dream right in and find a real job. No one wants to feel this good listening to a band that is truly unique on the SA scene. We want pop sensibilities and structure; we don’t want a grungy, punkinfused electronic rock act that makes you want to take your clothes off. *SA really does want grungy, punk-infused electronic rock.

Listen up

Claire Martens sticks her fingers in her ears and messes with the feelings of our latest crop of musos.

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Can music

save us

all?

We have an exclusive scoop on the musical force set to get the Sonarverse buzzing. Intrepid reporter Annie Brookstone investigates.

W

hat happens when a handful of South Africa’s most talented musicians form a group that not only blurs prescribed musical genre boundaries, but subverts them completely – amalgamating everything from traditional African grooves to operatic elements and the most futuristic facets of electronic music – and then just happens to chuck a nostalgic throwback to 80s comic books, so audaciously elaborate that it would put even Marvel to shame, into the mix too?

A people in peril, mysterious heroes, the unifying power of music … it’s hard not to get sucked into the Champions of the Sonarverse storyline, becoming enthralled as the fractured planet of Xi is saved once again from Admiral Anarchy and

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his weapons of sonic destruction by a mysterious group of dance-inducing daredevils. Who are they? Where do they come from? When will they strike again?

Turns out the Champions of the Sonarverse aren’t any old ragtag team of musical misfits. Think of them more as the paragons of pop music, an elite squad of homegrown talent, whose different backgrounds and obsessions create a cohesive hybrid unlike anything else.

Their leader, per se, is the ever-masked musical maverick DJ InviZAble. Previously associated with Gazelle – the now defunct (defunked?) self-styled avant-garde group who took their brand of local ‘Limpop’ to a global level and could be considered rhythmic revolutionaries in their own right –

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LISTEN | GUIDE

DJ InviZAble remains an enigmatic figure, whose perpetual visor and Basotho hat are as much of a trademark as his killer keytar solos and distinctive dance moves.

No one ever sees his face or hears him speak. In fact, some say he isn’t even a man at all. ‘The story goes that DJ InviZAble is actually a computer chip called n1c, which was created in a parallel universe where artificial intelligence has surpassed the natural biological evolution of the planet,’ says Cape Town DJ Nick Matthews, the Bruce Wayne of the beats, as it were, the Clark Kent of the keytar, some might say.

(Shhh … you didn’t hear it from us.)

The supporting line-up is just as quirky as the interdimensional DJ, a mish-mash of characters with roots dug

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firmly into the fertile soil of African culture, but with tendrils snaking all the way into other universes. Take the sangoma (vocalist Yolanda Fryus), for instance, whose blending of traditional influences with modern conceptual music enables her to be the earthly link to n1c.

Loaning his voice and percussion prowess to the team is Computer General, commander of the Maluti Armed Forces, who is brought to life by one of South Africa’s premier reggae MCs, Dubmasta China.

Rounding off the audio arsenal is the ‘Flying V’ guitar, wielded by a mysterious being known only as The Shadow (Gertjie Besselsen, frontman of the already theatrical Mr Cat & the Jackal). And, of course, because no band of superheroes is

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LISTEN | GUIDE

SPECULATION IS RIFE AS TO WHEN AND WHERE THE GROUP MIGHT SWOOP TO THE RESCUE AGAIN

complete without a nemesis bent on destruction, Admiral Anarchy, the bass-bearing master of the lower frequencies, hungry for the planet’s gold (or, allegedly, in his spare time, JC Visser, also of Mr Cat & the Jackal).

While comic books, videos and multimedia collaborations including some of the country’s most creative graphic gurus are in the pipeline, the Champions of the Sonarverse’s live performances are what have people buzzing right now. Club and festival crowds are transformed into eyewitnesses where incredible battles between good and evil forces are taking place. In recent months, the Oppikoppi Festival in Limpopo, Rocking the Daisies in Darling in the Western Cape and the Smoking Dragon New Year’s Festival in

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KwaZulu-Natal have all set the scene for these epic rhythmic rampages, which leave you torn between the desire to dance like there really might be no tomorrow or to simply stand there staring in slack-jawed wonder.

Speculation is rife as to when and where the group might swoop to the rescue again. Our sources indicate that Admiral Anarchy is planning to challenge them once again on 25 April at the WOMAD Festival Johannesburg, on 22 May at the Adrenaline Festival at the Amphitheatre Backpackers in KwaZuluNatal, and on 28 May at the Bushfire Festival in Swaziland.

Wherever the call goes out, they will respond with a spectacle that is equal parts raw talent, electrifying energy, artistic expression and perfect collaboration, with each man, woman, creature or machine bringing something unique to the collective.

But DJ InviZAble’s quest is bigger than simply stopping Admiral Anarchy, says Nick. ‘He understands that the ability of sound to create unity among the people of Xi will one day be their deliverance from the dark forces of the Sonarverse,’ he explains.

This metaphor is not a vague one in an industry or, on a more macroscopic level, in a country where diversity ought to be celebrated, yet so often isn’t. But despite the struggles, despite the disparate voices, the nemeses, the doubt, that’s exactly what Champions of the Sonarverse is: a celebration.

There is no doubt, as we watch the dust settle on another battle, that music can transcend our divisions – and that’s what makes it such a powerful, unstoppable force.

To follow this Xi-fi story, keep an eye on the DJ InviZable Facebook group or visit Invizable.co.za.

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text and pictures: supplied by BT Games

Sweet escap e Hide away from the foolishness with this month’s tantalising game releases.

MORTAL KOMBAT X Prepare to once again experience the thrills of Mortal Kombat’s brutal finishing moves, as you acquaint yourself with a new generation of fighters, and reminisce over famed prolific characters.

Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Kitana and many more are introduced into a new, original and non-linear storyline, which binds the forces of good and evil into a tale.

The latest iteration of the fighting franchise features a persistent online cross-platform multiplayer Faction War mode: swear allegiance to one of the five factions associated with groups in the game’s fiction as you aspire for victory to

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gain weekly points to tilt global domination in your favour. This earns you fame and the ability to reap special rewards, such as faction-specific finishing moves.

Gameplay enhancements provide characters with three new sets of move variations, allowing players to select the best one suiting their fighting style across a variety of game modes. Environmental interactions will also allow players to gain the use their surroundings against their enemy.

Become a Kombatant and carve your destiny in the battle for world supremacy!

Visit the BT Games website to pre-order and secure additional content!

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GAMES | GUIDE

text and pictures: supplied by BT Games

FINAL FANTASY TYPE-O HD Final Fantasy fans are in for a treat with this HD version of Type-0 coming to new-generation consoles! This spin-off title’s setting and presentation are inspired by historical documentaries, and feature a story darker than other Final Fantasy titles, as it vividly depicts the brutality of war.

Players enter a magical fantasy setting with Hi-Potions, Moogles and Summons, as combat occurs in real time via quick attacks with either weapons or magic spells.

Select a trio of fighters from a pool of 14 to participate in the battles, with the varied ensemble cast providing an ample variety of combatants outfitted with different weapons and combat styles.

Gameplay variations from past titles allow for quick revivals in the action-driven unpausable combat events, and a more gruelling setting commits players to a more challenging experience than any other Final Fantasy title to date.

Undertake a journey across a story where players can connect with and love the characters they choose. It’s your fantasy.

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B&O BEOPLAY A2 Gaming fans like you and I love gadgets too, right? Power up your handheld gaming experience with premium sound offered by the feature-filled BeoPlay A2 by Bang & Olufsen. Or just be normal and use it as a portable Bluetooth speaker for your braai or lounge-dancing-because-you-are-alone-athome sessions.

Offering Bluetooth connectivity for up to two devices simultaneously, as well as a 3.5mm input jack, there are no excuses not to experience the True360 sound experience. This speaker uses high-fidelity drivers, tweeters and passive bass radiators, which deliver crisp vocals and deep bass with resounding confidence (in English: it’s too loud to use on a kulula flight). The 24-hour battery life and provision to act as a USB charger for your portable devices offer a huge bonus in our load-shed lives by extending our entertainment sessions.

Coupled with a robust build and ease of portability, the BeoPlay A2 offers excellent flexibility in any environment where exemplary audio reproduction is required, as the encased technology offers the same great sound quality in every direction to everyone – irrespective of their positioning.

Now available at selected BT Games stores countrywide.

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GUIDE | TECH

ALTERNATE REALITY Microsoft's HoloLens gives you semi-Tony Stark capabilities.

FINGER ON THE PULSE Cicret turns your skin into a touch screen.

IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE Holidaying on Mars will soon be a possibility by 2023, according to some at least

Scare tactics

T

oday’s tech really boggles the mind, but it wasn’t always this attainable. Some were inspired by the stuff of dreams – of the Orwells, Asimovs and Spielbergs – of the world.

What if we were to apply this logic to the tech of today? How can (and how have) inventions be made even better or scarier, with the help of pop culture, movies and fiction?

James Bond is a great example – or, at least, he takes all the credit Q should get. Remember that Sony Ericsson K800i camera phone in Casino Royale?

It was the talk of the town back in 2006, with its breakthrough 3.2-megapixel camera and, lo and behold, GPS. What if that camera could see through walls like Superman? Well, that's a possibility. A case that iPhone owners can pop onto their phones will give their pocket companion Clark Kentlike abilities. Infrared, unlike visible light, can be read through solid objects, which

makes it really useful for things like nightvision goggles and seeing through walls.

Using human skin as a touch screen is now also a thing. Cicret is a wristband that projects an interactive screen and keyboard onto your arm. So while you're out living your physical life, your digital life can be just a hologram away.

Speaking of holograms, is it possible to manipulate digital objects in the real world like Tony Stark? Well, kinda. Microsoft's latest invention, called the HoloLens, is an augmented-reality headset that projects interactive 3D objects into your living room, workspace or kitchen, and it seems that Microsoft is incorporating motion-sensor technology into the headset, à la the Kinect.

It’s not quite Star Trek teleportation yet, but we'd love to see telephone booths that could zip us around space and time in a Doctor Who-like manner.

Is this really so far out though? Not according to Elon Musk. The father of

Tesla and SpaceX believes that living on Mars will be wholly possible by 2030.

And theoretically, time travel's merely scaling the tiny gap between the ripples of time and space. While this may seem incredibly foreign, let's not forget that Bond thought fingerprint scanners were high-tech in the 1970s.

So what can be expected in the future? Cars will drive themselves, toasters will talk to washing machines, fridges will order food for you, smartphones and wearables will tell you when to visit the doctor, and robots will do our gardening These all sound far-fetched, but most are already in development. While we can't yet don an indestructible iron suit to enjoy a holiday on one of Jupiter's many moons, you should never quite take the speed of tech development for granted.

After all, the first piloted flight took place only just over a century ago…

pictures: supplied

Andy Walker of Gearburn.com gets the lowdown on gadgets so out there, it’s hard to believe they’re real.

For more insightful gadget and gaming news, check out Gearburn.com.

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Getting to your destination has never been easier. Gautrain will help you plan your route, assist you with bus and shuttle services as well as assist you with calculating the time and cost of visiting your destination. Finding an event, place or attraction to attend or visit makes travelling a comfortable and enjoyable experience.

Log onto www.gautrain.co.za for more information.

Shuttle Services Available.

• From Marlboro to Linbro Park and Woodlands in Woodmead.

• Weekend Shuttle to Montecasino from Sandton Station.

Gauteng (Sesotho for "place of gold") is South Africa's smallest province (17 000 square kilometres) and it includes most of the towns strung east to west along the gold reef, from Springs in the far East Rand to Randfontein in the west. It runs down to the Vaal River in the South, and just beyond South Africa's capital, Pretoria, in the north.

For more infomation visit Gauteng Tourism Authority www.gauteng.net

Sand Bus R S2 S3 S4 S5 Montecasino Palazzo Circle Design Quarter Shuttle Service on Public Holidays Epsom Downs Parc Nicol Nicolway Liliesleaf

Johannesburg

Grosvenor Crossing Bryanston Centre

Consumer Goods Council SARS

Coca-Cola Park Stadium is situated in Johannesburg.

Rosebank Station Bus Routes RB5: Killarney RB2: Melrose RB3: Illovo RB4: Hyde Park Charlotte Maxeke Johannesburg Academic Hospital Parktown

A valid Gold Card is required to board a Gautrain bus.

This can be purchased at the stations and at selected retail outlets.

• For detailed and accurate bus route maps enquire at the stations or visit the website.

• Bus tickets cannot be purchased on the buses.

• To find out where a bus is, please dial 010 223 1098.

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Reef Hotel

Absa Bank

W

Killarney Mall

Atholl Oaklands

ROSEBANK IL

PARK STATION Boston College

Sandton City

Bidvest Wanderers Stadium Protea Hotel Wanderers Melrose Melrose Place Arch

ETRORA

Newtown Cultural Precinct

Benmore Shopping Sinosteel Centre IDC

ES UT IN M 4

PRASA/M

First National Bank

Sand Racq Clu

Thrupps Centre

Hyde Park Illovo Blvd

College of Digital Photography

I

M

SANDTON

Dunkeld Centre Wits Medical School Rosebank Mall

ES

Nelson Mandela Bridge

Standard Bank Art Gallery

Hyde Square

T NU

Sandton Sports Club

MultiChoice Randburg

Summer Place

Constitution Hill

Joburg Theatre Complex

Download the Gautrain App to plan your trip accordingly.

Brightwater Commons

River Club Park

Bryanston Crescent Pick n Pay on Nicol

Park Station Bus Routes J1: Parktown J2: CBD

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The und from Pa Portal is 15.5 kilo

SA/

ME

TRO

RAI

Tshwane

National Zoo

Pretoria Bus Routes P3: Pretoria P4: PTA Unisa - Groenkloof

L

The Union Buildings has a lovely garden that surrounds the new Nelson Mandela Statue.

Remember to visit Pretoria State Theatre.

State Theatre Church Square

Manhattan Hotel City Hall

Voortrekker Monument Private Nature Reserve

Sunnyside Centre University of Pretoria

7 MINUTES 8 MINUTES

Freedom Park

OR Tambo Building Sheraton Hotel Pretoria Technical High Royal Thai Embassy

Louis Pasteur Hospital Heart Hospital

PRETORIA

Loftus Rugby Stadium

Cherry Lane Shopping University Centre of Pretoria Curves Groenkloof UNISA Brooklyn Campus SABS Harlequins Office Park

Brooklyn Mall

Little Company of Mary Hospital

The Freedom Park and the Voortrekker Monument

Raslouw Value Spar Centre

Chilli Lane Shopping Centre

Rivonia Boulevard

ay

Bryanston Crescent Pick n Pay on Nicol

l Sandton Sports Club

NDTON

hrupps Centre

S TE NU MI

Bidvest Wanderers Stadium ea Hotel nderers Melrose ace Arch

Nandos

Wedge Meadowfields Morningside Sandton Shopping Centre Racquets Club Garden Court Toyota Morningside Southern Mushroom Farm Park Sun Barlow Park Benmore Shopping Sinosteel A&G Theatre on the Square Sandton Hilton Centre Grayston TES Protea IDC INU Ridge Hotel 4M Office Park Atholl Square Sandton TER City MU Innisfree Park OM Westford Radisson Blu TC S E Hotel Gautrain Hotel T-W

TON SAND

Atholl Oaklands

EBANK

The underground tunnel section from Park Station to Marlboro Portal is a total length of 15.5 kilometres.

North-South Commuter

UTES 9 MIN

East-West Commuter Rhodesfield Bus Routes RF1: Kempton Park RF2: Emperors Palace

Airport PRASA / Metrorail

TR

Civic Centre

T

Monuments / Heritage sites close to routes

Glen Balad Mall

Arwyp Medical Centre

Ekurhuleni

Premier Hotel OR Tambo

BO OR TAM

Hotel OR Tambo

UTER

T COMM

EAST-WES

POR

Woodbridge Square

Cavendish Glen

Modderfontein Nature Reserve

M

MARLBORO

EAS

AIR

U

IN

6

LEGEND

MIDRAND

ME

River Club Park

Joburg Water Tower

PR

Bryanston Centre

Eskom Megawatt Park

TE

Centurion Bus Routes C1: Techno Park C2: Rooihuiskraal C3: Wierda Park C4: Southdowns

Grand Central Airport

S

Woodlands Business Office Park Shuttle Service Sunninghill Hospital Linbro Business Park Shuttle Service

Sax Arena

A/

Morning Glen Mall

Centurion Golf Estate Love More Centre

AS

enor sing

Central Park

Waterfall Hospital

Liliesleaf

Value World Centurion

Tilbury Business Park

Unisa SBL Main Entrance African Bank Boulders Shopping Centre Gallagher Convention Centre Town Lodge

Hatfield Bus Routes H1: Brooklyn H2: Lynnwood H3: Arcadia H5: Menlyn H6: Queenswood

Tuks Sports Campus

St. Maryʼs School Garden Court World CSIR Bank Garden Xcelpark Court Spanish Embassy Checkers Pretoria Menlyn Lynnwood Country Park Club Shopping

Southdowns College Centurion Licensing Services

Protea Hotel

HATFIELD

AIL

Rivonia Centre

Spar

IL

ETRORA

PRASA/M

Byles Bridge

Eco Boulevard

OR

esign Quarter uttle Service on ublic Holidays

Highveld Shopping Centre Eco Park Estate

Vodaworld

Nizamiye Turkish Masjid along the Midrand train route.

Visit Auto & General Theatre on the Square at Nelson Mandela Square.

e

ol

Midrand Bus Routes M1: Randjespark M2: Noordwyk M3: Sunninghill

Waterkloof Airforce Base

Supersport Park

Centurion Lifestyle Centre

Wierdaglen Estate

Queenswood Christian College

Centurion Station

Centurion Lake

CENTURION

Amberfield Estate

Sandton Station Bus Routes S2: Gallo Manor S3: Rivonia S4: Randburg S5: Fourways

Protea Hotel Waterfront

Momentum

3436 | iww | ew

PRA

RHODESFIELD

Emperors Palace

AIRPORT S MINUTE N =15 STATIO NDTON

TO SA

Kelvin Power

The first two rail cars are for airport passengers. These cars have wider seats with special areas for baggage storage.

Take Metrorail from Park Station to FNB Stadium.

Emperors Palace

OR TAMBO

OR Tambo International Airport, the busiest airport in Africa, forms the centre of a multi-nodal, multifunctional enterprise with major commercial development in Ekurhuleni and is known as South Africa’s Aerotropolis.

Download the Gautrain Apps, available on: • App Store • Google Play • App World

RAIL SMS “Alert ” to 32693 for service updates

Disclaimer: Please note that some of the attractions indicated along the illustrated route map may not be along the route of the Gautrain services. Certain attractions can be seen from the Gautrain but may need other public transport modes to get there. Direct enquiries for more information about places and attractions may be obtained from Gauteng Tourism Authority. The illustrated route map is not to scale. The illustrated information published was last updated on 30 January 2015.

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David makes a splash with this month’s victims

E.S on .

L a D d -talking David an k c a m s and ziland celebrity a w S n i time and that Auret n o d n a r dB and e David an v i r D t h ty, Nig e v i a n n o takes h s i r a m t nigh

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MUSICIAN | CHAT

L.E.Ssons

d e n lear Leslie Mampe, aka Da L.E.S, is a rapper, entrepreneur and part-time reality TV star.

David Kibuuka once got him lost in Swaziland.

Now the two shoot the breeze to patch things up.

David Kibuuka: Hi Leslie. First up, about that time I got us lost in Swaziland while we were filming Jozi – Moving the City…

Leslie Mampe: Oh yeah.

DK: I seem to recall you were pretty upset about that.

LM: Yeah, definitely. It was pretty stupid and I feel like you could’ve done a better job, like a real manager, and a real navigator.

DK: Ouch. How did you feel about me joining the show as your manager?

LM: To be honest, I thought it was a stupid idea. You could barely manage material to cut a new one-man show, let alone manage a hiphop group.

DK: Now that’s unfair!

I just got back from a show in Texas, you know.

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LM: Well done. [Laughs] DK: I guess things did get a little out of control on the show. How did you feel about the show in the end?

LM: At end the of the day, we got the job done, we finished the album, and we captured sounds that we really wanted from all over Africa, and we got paid for a couple of shows while doing it.

There’s a tough road to any success story, but we got the job done.

DK: Now, you also won the fifth season of Tropika Island of Treasure.

You said you weren’t

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really in the game, but somehow you came through; you were the dark horse at the end.

LM: Yeah, I just tried to be myself and enjoy every moment on the island. Being an entertainer, I kinda kept it really cool with everybody. There really wasn’t a plan, until it was suddenly the semi-finals, and I thought, wow, I could really start playing this game.

DK: What is your take on reality TV then? Is it something you’d want to do again in the future?

LM: I was actually recently involved in a fake reality TV show, called The Real Jozi A-Listers. It’s a mockumentary parody show about what people think a real Jozi A-lister is, taking the mickey out of each other and ourselves. We really overdid the acting and the whole aspect, and it was a lot of fun. I met some really cool and talented people. I think reality TV shows are becoming the new sitcoms, so they’re definitely a force to be reckoned with.

DK: Let’s talk about the SA celebrity scene. Sometimes it seems pretty ridiculous.

LM: Sometimes it seems like that. There’s definitely a lot of talent in the industry, but the number of opportunities and the amount of money you can make in South Africa aren’t as high as the talent itself.

A lot of things are still at a mediocre stage, and I feel people get comfortable with this mediocrity.

There’s nothing in the industry that can elevate the talent and take it to the next level.

Until then, we’re just gonna have to keep pushing as artists. Only the strong

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survive, and people like me are never gonna stop.

DK: Survival of the strongest, hey?

Now, you were born in the States.

LM: Yeah, I was born in Washington DC and I grew up in Chatsworth.

DK: Do you plan on staying in SA or do you want to relocate?

LM: Right now I’m at a stage where I’d like to find the roof of the local scene.

I want to figure out how much I can possibly do. But I think every time I find that ceiling, who’s to say I won’t break it and go even higher? As for the situation on the States’ side, I am looking at some possible opportunities over there too.

pictures: supplied

THERE’S NOTHING IN THE INDUSTRY THAT CAN ELEVATE THE TALENT AND TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. WE’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING DK: If you were to relocate to the States, would you consider renaming the group to Washingtozi?

LM: [Laughs] No, I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t think the folks over there will get ‘Jozi’, so maybe that will work.

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DK: With regards to the local hip-hop scene, what do you think we’re doing right in SA? Are there things we’re doing wrong?

LM: Well, the industry is still very new here, but I think the guys are doing everything right. The main problem is that there isn’t enough bite at the moment, there aren’t enough consumers. There aren’t too many SA artists who are getting the crossover right between the urban audience and the more pop-centric audience.

There are only a few of us – I could count on one hand – who are really crossing the divide, and crossing it successfully.

But watch this space: 20 years from now, there’ll be hundreds of us with fans from all across the spectrum.

DK: So this next question seems appropriate. What’s your advice for young artists who want to break into the industry? Would you advise them to try and pursue that kind of crossover angle?

LM: Well, no, I’d say everyone should go with the style they want first and foremost. Hard work, dedication and passion are the only things that can possibly lead to a successful career in this industry.

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MUSICIAN | CHAT

Once you’ve got a bit of a foothold, you can focus on the next chapter, which may be attempting a crossover.

You can look at what kind of collaborations will work for you, what kind of new sounds and styles will appeal to a wider market.

DK: You’ve recorded with a few pretty big players. Who’s been your favourite, your least favourite, and who’s still on your wish list?

LM: My favourite is definitely AKA, we do a lot of work together and we tour together, and we always kind of share the fame and the glory, which is pretty cool. My least favourite would have to be … probably someone I didn’t want to work with, but had to.

DK: Kind of like me, ey?

LM: [Laughs] Yeah, exactly. You’re one of them. But on my wish list (which is pretty long) I’d have to say Chris Brown, Drake, Jay Z, Kanye, will.i.am, Pharell and a bunch more – guys who are artists even when you strip the fame away.

They’re talented and they’ve got passion for the industry, you know?

Even just being in the studio with a guy like Jay Z and watching him work would obviously be super inspiring for me.

DK: The hip-hop industry is known for its politics and smack talking. Have you had any notable blowouts with any artists?

LM: I really haven’t, actually. It’s just not in my character. But the hip-hop scene is a competitive place, so some guys tend to take it a bit far on occasion, but it all depends on your own personality.

If you’re a leader, things like that may not faze you too much, but if you’re a follower, you may just go along with

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some kind of blowout just because that’s what everyone else is doing.

DK: Yeah, definitely. So if you could have a celebrity death match, who would you choose?

LM: [Laughs] To go up against?

DK: To battle with. I’m talking like major running battle.

LM: [Laughs] I don’t know, I’ve never thought about that. I’ll have to get back to you on that.

AT THE MOMENT, I’M FOCUSING ON THE MUSIC. THERE’S SO MUCH I WANT TO ACHIEVE AS A MUSICIAN AND AS A BUSINESS OR A RECORD EXEC. THE TIMING HAS TO BE RIGHT DK: All right then. Now, your previous album was called Mandela Money.

Would you consider a working title of Zuma Zumba for your next one?

LM: [Laughs] DK: You could tie it in with a range of exercise videos. I’ve thought about this a lot.

LM: Definitely not an option.

DK: Let’s talk about this All White Pool Party of yours. I’d imagine it must be awkward getting signage made for that, particularly in Afrikaans.

LM: [Laughs] No, no. Not at all. That party’s held in the north of Jo’burg, where money walks and poetry talks.

DK: [Laughs] LM: At the end of the day, you can’t buy cash.

DK: Aside from throwing these lavish parties surrounded by white-clad women and bottles of expensive liquor, how do you kick back?

LM: I spend time with my daughter, who is driving me crazy right now because she’s just running around everywhere.

DK: [Laughs] Getting back to the TV thing, you were on an episode of 4Play: Sex Tips for Girls. Do you have any further acting aspirations?

LM: At the moment, I’m focusing on the music. There’s so much I want to achieve as a musician and as a business or a record exec. The timing has to be right.

DK: So you’re not going full Yeezus on us just yet.

LM: Not yet.

DK: And what about Jozi?

LM: That’s on ice at the moment. I’m gonna do my best to carry that sound on. Maybe we can do something in the future, but everyone’s doing their own thing at the moment.

DK: Cool. Well, it’s been great chatting to you. Before I go, I still need to know who you’d want to battle with.

LM: Hmm … with you, man. Definitely with you.

DK: [Laughs]

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Action

satisfaction Brandon Auret has been playing tough guys on screens for years, most recently in sci-fi blockbuster Chappie.

David Kibuuka gets in on the act.

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ACTOR | CHAT

David Kibuuka: Hi Brandon. First up, if you could pick one question you’d want me to ask you in this interview, what would it be?

Brandon Auret: [Laughs] Well, I have to say that that in itself is a pretty original question. I think I’ve become so used to the usual questions people ask, it gets kind of boring after a while, you know? I would probably ask myself whether or not I consider myself lucky.

DK: Okay, fine, so do you consider yourself lucky?

BA: [Laughs] No, I don’t really.

DK: Well, the world is stacked against you, so it’s a valid question and the answer could be quite enlightening. Considering the movies you’re getting into, it’s pretty amazing. There are so many actors out there.

BA: I don’t even think it’s about that. There are so many people who would love a career in this industry and who would kill for some of the opportunities I’ve had, but at the end of the day, it comes down to just a few simple things. Passion is one of those things, and it’s something I’m always asked in interviews: ‘Are you passionate about your job?’ Of course I’m flipping passionate about my job! Why else would I be putting myself through this if I didn’t have a passion for it?

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DK: You talk about passion now, so I’m assuming you had a certain degree of naivety initially. Do you think the fact that you don’t have that naivety anymore is paying dividends?

BA: Well, I still take chances. I still try and make big moves when I probably shouldn’t, but there’s a certain point when so much protocol starts to come into it that it gets harder and harder to do those types of things. I’ve had various occasions where my publicist and agent have had to reel me in. It’s a business, you know, and just like any other business, you can’t just walk in and act like you own the place, so that’s where a little bit of naivety still sneaks in from time to time. But other than that, you live and you learn. I still speak my mind and sometimes it doesn’t work out for me, but hey, if I don’t take chances, what’s the point?

DK: That makes sense.

BA: Yeah, but also, I still have such a burning desire to be involved in the industry, not just as an actor but as a contributor. I’m a co-founder of A Breed Apart Pictures, which is a production company focused on the local scene.

I really feel like South Africa has what it takes to be a world-class player in the entertainment industry. We have the stories (apart from the political ones, there are some pretty entertaining fictional ones as well) and we have the talent. It just all needs to be brought together.

DK: When I was in varsity, somehow studying finance – don’t ask…

BA: [Laughs] I want to hear that story some day!

DK: Never. Point is, the people around there never had any ambition or intention to get into the arts industry. Do you think that has a measured effect in terms of the talent or business acuity that is

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ACTOR | CHAT

lacking in the South African entertainment industry?

BA: Ja, definitely. People want to make a living so they’re going to go where the big bucks are, and the entertainment industry hasn’t really presented itself as a lucrative option for a TOUGH GUYS wide variety of people. So Brandon (left) and Sharlto Copley in Elysium. it’s understandable that people would rather go BA: There are quite a few. The one thing work for Investec or PSG or whoever else is that everyone, absolutely everyone, has on their mission to make a decent living an opinion, and that’s fine and you can’t for themselves and their families. The do anything to change that. You can industry needs people who are passionate change the way you perceive those about entertainment and the arts, and opinions, and it’s your job to surround who are capable of running the economic yourself with people who’ll be honest, and administrative side of things. but still be supportive.

DK: South African stories tend to be DK: That’s wise. If you could go back and quite depressing, to be blatantly honest. tell your younger self one thing, what They’re often about political strife or would it be? they’re AIDS-y, for lack of a better BA: [Laughs] Don’t take life so seriously. word. Now, although these stories are S*** happens. important and relevant, it’s showbiz.

DK: [Laughs] Straight to the point, I like Those stories don’t always put bums in that. No one’s gonna make it out alive, seats and the money is almost ‘wasted’. am I right?

BA: Well, there are some things in this BA: Spot on. country that millions are spent on, but DK: From a technical point of view, when might not be considered ‘worth it’ by making a movie, are there many takes to everybody. Sports, I’d say, is a good put one scene together? example. I don’t care much about rugby BA: Yes and no. It depends on the skill or soccer, but a lot of people do. There’s and style of the director, it depends on a recipe to success and certain industries the complexity and length of a scene, got that recipe right; others are still there are so many things that go into one working on it. quick 15-second slice of any given movie.

DK: So we were talking earlier about It’s incredible. If there’s a wide take to naivety when one enters the business. give the audience some perspective, that What do you think are some of the may be 20 takes or more. Close-ups are biggest challenges – call them ‘barriers a nightmare – if the director wants it in a to entry’ – young people face with certain way and you’re not giving it to him regards to the entertainment industry? like that, then you may be there for a while.

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The worst is when actors don’t know their lines; that’s always been one of my biggest problems.

DK: Does that really happen?

BA: Yes! You’d be surprised. I don’t mean to trash any of my colleagues, but damn, some people can be very unprofessional.

DK: [Laughs] I can imagine how that can become a problem on set. Do you have a favourite director and actor? It doesn’t even have to be a favourite, just someone who has inspired you with their talent or their style. Who’s the first person to pop into your mind?

BA: There was a time, say five years ago or so, I made a couple of bad choices in the jobs I took. There were producers who ran away with the budget, movies that could never make it to the mainstream and the like.

And at the time I met a guy by the name of Justin Head. He directed a movie called Night Drive about a powerobsessed madman who hunts a group of tourists stranded in a game reserve – a pretty cool movie. And I was convinced it was the last movie I’d ever do, I had just lost too much, you know? And he just made me fall in love with acting again.

I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but somehow he just awoke that passion in me again and it’s been full steam ahead ever since.

DK: I’m glad to hear it, Brandon, and I wish you all the best for the future.

You’re a man of many talents. It’s been fun chatting with you.

BA: Shot, thanks a lot.

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Jokes aside There’s more to humour than a quick joke or cheap gags. Keith Bain asks award-winning playwright Louis Viljoen what it takes to really make people laugh – and sometimes hate themselves for doing so.

ALL IN A PLAY’S WORK

Pierre Malherbe, Rebecca Makin-Taylor and Brendon Daniels in The Kingmakers.

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PLAYWRIGHT | LOCAL HERO

Starting out, I didn’t realise play writing would be such a niche way to make a living. Studying drama, I realised I was never going to play Hamlet, but I wanted to be in theatre, so I started writing scripts. If you think what I write now is gross and profane, what I wrote back then was truly awful.

I’ve tried normal jobs, but I’m terrible with everything else. I worked in the TV industry – I hated it, and wasn’t very good at it. One day I decided to stop all the other stuff and be a writer. So I moved from Jo’burg to Cape Town, where there is actually a

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proper theatre industry. I’ve been poor ever since, but I’ve never looked back.

I start with a story. Everything – the style and the tone and the genre – evolves from the story. I never start off intending to write either comedy or drama. I do figure out early on if it’s going to be funny, though. If it’s about a bunch of actors working in a mall wearing bear suits, then it’s obvious to me that it’s going to be a comedy. But I don’t sit down and tell myself I’m going to write a comedy.

You have to separate comedy from jokes. I love to tell a joke, and when I hear them, I remember them, because they’re all about structure, and I really like that. But I’m not great at constructing a short joke. I can throw in a one-liner and maybe a quip, but my jokes are really constructed over lots of moments, over a few pages, or over a whole play.

You can break comedy into two things. It’s either the confirmation of something we already know but delivered in an absurd way. Or it’s the inversion of the expected. A lot of comedy comes from truth that people already know, so they’re laughing at a kind of selfrecognition. Other moments of comedy come from not seeing it coming at all – something that’s outrageously absurd.

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PLAYWRIGHT | LOCAL HERO

BEAR WITH ME Louis Viljoen on the set of Champ.

I don’t separate language and profanity.

Many people believe that I just write a lot of swearwords. But I think those people are idiots, because they’re missing the point. I think profanity is part of language, and I believe in using all aspects of language in order to find interesting ways of saying something.

I believe you can make swearing very funny without it becoming an utter swear fest. This is what I aim for. I think it’s about how you utilise those words, and how you aim them, like with all other words.

There should never be an unnecessary word. I believe everything I use has to be there in that moment. Nothing should be overused. As much as it might seem to other people that I pack in too many swearwords, I actually don’t. I give the characters just as many bad words as they need.

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AWARD-WINNING Emily Child and Guy de Lancey in The Pervert Laura.

Cinema was my first real exposure to the power of language. I’m probably more influenced by movies than plays. When I was 11, I discovered Quentin Tarantino, and everything grew from that. Tarantino was like the Rosetta Stone, unlocking so many things, and his use of language really captivated me. He’s a great homage artist – he steals incredibly well. He ignited in me a curiosity about where writers get their ideas.

Woody Allen is very clever with words; sometimes he uses wonderful language to make quite stupid jokes. Because everyone loves a dumb gag now and then. And I think if you can mix low humour and high humour, or you make low humour seem highfalutin, that’s great.

I loved Paul Slabolepszy’s farces when I was very young. I loved the fart jokes

and the penis jokes and all the lowbrow stuff. Then I read Saturday Night at the Palace and realised he had a very serious side, that he really had something to say, and he said it with a powerful voice. It helped me realise that a writer has many different facets.

I like writing that catches you offguard – one moment can be incredibly funny, and the next instant, it’s totally dark. In my comedies, like Champ and The Kingmakers, I have these one-liners that are thrown at the audience to get people laughing. It’ll be a joke, something ridiculous, but then a moment later, I make them almost want to feel guilty for laughing. They’re saying to themselves, ‘I can’t believe I laughed because of what’s happening now!’

Champ is about a bunch of actors in animal suits who work in a mall.

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PLAYWRIGHT | LOCAL HERO

PLAYWRIGHT’S MUSE Greg Karvellas told Louis a story that inspired him to write Champ.

I LOVE THOSE CHARACTERS BECAUSE THEY’RE SUCH SCREW-UPS, TRAPPED IN THIS DEAD-END JOB My friends Greg Karvellas – who directed the play – and Nicholas Pauling actually did work in a mall after university, dressed as tigers. They told me this story years ago. I thought about it for a long time and eventually came up with this play, but changed the tigers into bears, because I could come up with more jokes about bears than tigers. I don’t think anyone realised the play would end up being about these awful people.

I love those characters because they’re such screw-ups, trapped in this dead-end job. Whether you’re stuck in a bear suit in a mall or the only acting job you can get is Maynardville’s Shakespeare in the Park every year, it’s the same thing. Although Maynardville might be a little worse.

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Black comedy is the making funny of something that isn’t traditionally permitted to be funny. In Champ, audiences are supposed to laugh when the characters start taking revenge on the little boy. But when they realise that they’re laughing at three grown men doing terrible things to a child, it takes it into the realm of black humour. It’s my favourite genre because you can really go very deep into an issue, but with comedy as your defence against people who say they’re ‘offended’. The more upsetting something is and the more I laugh at it, knowing that I probably shouldn’t laugh, the more I like it.

The Kingmakers is a black comedy.

It’s not serious until it reaches a moment when you realise how horrific it is.

I wanted to write something cool and fun about politics that shows what bad people politicians could be. I realised I can use some real tragedies that we’ve experienced in this country to fill out the story, and I could have audiences laugh at all the profanity and the amorality of the characters and their horrible actions.

And then along comes a moment when audiences question whether or not they’re still allowed to laugh or not. My goal was to make audiences feel bad for laughing.

My other favourite genre is horror.

Horror is great because – whether it’s in a play, a film, or a book – there’s nowhere else in life where it’s safe to feel that scared. If you get scared like that in art, which is a safe environment, it’s such a thrill. And there’s a similar thing I can do

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PLAYWRIGHT | LOCAL HERO

pictures: jesse kramer©, supplied

I’LL COMPROMISE ELSEWHERE IN MY LIFE, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO COMPROMISE IN MY WRITING. I HAVE MY VOICE AND I’VE STUCK WITH IT

with comedy, letting an audience feel like they’ve gotten away with one of my awful jokes. They’re complicit in it. And they think, ‘I’m on his page, and it’s terrifying, but I love it!’

I’m not a jock, but I really like golf. I’m not good at it. It’s like a twohour walk, and you hit a little ball every now and then, and you hate yourself a little bit. And we make jokes and have beers afterwards. Almost everybody I hang out with is in theatre. We love theatre, and we talk about it all the time – but not on the golf course. That’s the one place where we talk about golf and girls and stuff.

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Any other job I’ve done has been about compromise and about doing things someone else’s way or trying to meet a deadline. There are plenty of great writers out there who give up or choose to find a way of earning a living. But I have just refused to give up. People have told me I must change my writing or that my plays aren’t South African, meaning that I don’t write about apartheid or AIDS. But I just kept at it. I’ll compromise elsewhere in my life, but I’m not going to compromise in my writing. I have my voice and I’ve stuck with it.

You must be merciless. If you find something funny, you put it on the page,

you don’t think about other people. If it makes you laugh, it has to be there on the page, and then it’s the actor’s job to sell it. If it makes you laugh, then chances are it’ll make four other people laugh. And if it makes them laugh, it’ll make other people laugh as well. But if you try to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one. That’s my process: to be unflinchingly merciless.

Louis Viljoen won this year’s Fleur du Cap Award for Best Playwright for The Pervert Laura. It plays at The Fugard Studio Theatre, Cape Town from 6-23 May. Check out www.thefugard.com for more info.

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o r e h my s

e o g e Ther

In an increasingly fast-paced world, heroes have short shelf lives. But what happens to them when the limelight no longer shines on them? Clifford Roberts tracks down the icons of yesteryear to see how they’ve fared.

W

e would not be who we are without heroes.

Sadly though, we move through our lives going from one to the next, disposing of them like used wrappers. Following months of exhaustive research, we can finally present a rare glimpse of yesterday’s heroes who made it big, and what has happened to them.

Luke Skywalker, the swordsman of the galaxies, isn’t really gone. He retired with a tidy inheritance raised mainly through a scrap-metal deal involving the remains of a Death Star. Mugshots in stormtrooper archives are evidence of Skywalker’s post-world-saving escapades, but that’s behind him now. He has settled down with his childhood sweatheart and lives in the suburbs of a nowhere town that our contract says we may not reveal.

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HONORARY HAS-BEENS | LOCAL HERO

Mina Moo will always be remembered for her stellar career in TV. The bovine darling of the puppet world built an empire, culminating in Moo Central – a complex of interconnected high-tech offices near Silicone Valley. It all came crashing down one day when the scandal broke: Moo was unexpectedly caught illicitly scooping cream from revenues. She now lives in a flat in New Jersey, eking out a living in an ice-cream parlour.

MC Hammer, the man who we believed could teach us to dance, is now going into the retail business. The one-hit wonder surprised everyone by choosing hardware, rather than fashion, as his latest venture.

His new ad campaign features a huge blow-up 10-pounder that can be hired for children’s parties.

Another powerhouse, He-Man, has sadly disappeared. No one knows what happened to the muscle man. Having done well out of the TV and movie franchise, he and Skeletor patched things up and shared a lovely condominium in Florida. They denied ever being more than just friends … but things didn’t last.

Sources close to the pair said He-Man always had a bone to pick with his partner, while Skeletor eventually grew tired of He-Man’s exhibitionism.

There’s good news about Vusi from the Hansa ad. Mr Vusi, as he’s now known, has been appointed the head of SABMiller and is planning to revolutionise the multinational business with his new concept. The anti-liquor lobby is in uproar, fearing the return of the papsak under the guise of beer-in-a-banger.

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HONORARY HAS-BEENS | LOCAL HERO

Angus MacGuyver

Thomas Magnum

The A-Team

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Of course, we all remember Bennie Boekwurm. We came to love him. Bennie was our friend when days were dark and friends were few. We made little round spectacles out of wire just like his, to remember him by when they killed his show. On that day, the lovable creature is said to have flipped a rude sign and retired to Havana, where he died a peaceful death.

He was cremated because, in a graveyard, worms just won’t eat other worms, especially famous ones.

Remember that young lad from the Eastern Cape, who was recruited to play the character of Rabobi in the Xhosa version of the 80s Spider-Man TV show?

No, it wasn’t dubbed. When Spider-Man was revisited by Hollywood, Zanozuko Mantashe had hopes of starring, but it wasn’t to be. He has resigned himself to living out his days happy and in charge of his cows. On festive occasions, plied with a little umqombothi, he still belts out the tune: ‘Rabobi Rabobi yanga sizwe Rabobi, Mzeweki bo yangangana, Amanzi seko sebo tshabana, Ingozi yanga iRabobi’.

Celebrated in a million tattoos, it must be said, at the rough end of a night of drinking, Taz the Tazmanian Devil cared nothing for this idolatry. Try as he may, he never caught the Road Runner. Instead, a lifetime of passion and punishment was repaid with arthritis, deafness, a dodgy ticker, and a complexion that no amount of cucumber cream treatments could improve. He lives in a trailer park next door to good mate Mickey Rourke.

Flush with the success of their latest movie, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are grateful for their investments in nips and tucks. For years since their previous film, the quartet had been forced to make a living as a circus act, where it was regularly pointed out that they look nothing like the real things. Having kicked

booze, wild parties and drugs – they’re finally in the limelight again.

Angus MacGuyver quit the Phoenix Foundation quite suddenly. Tired of internal politics and endless promises of a promotion, the fixer extraordinaire set up business fixing air conditioners. He bought a modest plot in his home town, married his childhood sweetheart, had six children and lived a sedentary life until his death from complications associated with obesity.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III never gave up looking for Thomas Magnum, the eponymous hairy detective, who simply disappeared from Oahu in Hawaii.

They all suspected something bad had happened when he failed to arrive for the happy wedding of his dear friends, helicopter pilot TC and bar owner Rick.

The Pumpkin Patch crew met a tragic, but delicious demise, following a collaboration with nightmare chef Gordon Ramsay. The Patch brigade were expecting to be guests on his new South African cooking show; little did they know, they were the key ingredient in Gordon’s patchwork pumpkin pie.

Not even occasional performances at children’s parties could save the once super-duper Airwolf helicopter from the inevitable. When pilot Stringfellow Hawke retired, it was shipped to a warehouse in South Africa, where it shares space with mothballed Rooivalks and crates of unwanted yo-yos (the kind that light up when they spin).

It’s been a while since the crack unit escaped from prison. But even today, aided by walkers and an oxygen lung, but forgotten by the government, they have survived as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

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HONORARY HAS-BEENS | LOCAL HERO

pictures: supplied

Charlie Sheen

The Walkman music player has enjoyed a revival ever since Beyoncé made an appearance at the Grammies wearing two as earrings. Now you see them everywhere; even Pink is said to be working on a bikini made of the devices, each rigged to play a different CD at the same time.

A Silicon Valley techie has made a mint since announcing the solution to hackers, computer viruses and usernames and passwords. While it has been heralded across the world, the Synthetic Nucleur Oscillating Test-disk is believed by those older than 40 years to be uncannily similar to the floppy disk of yesteryear.

Demolition experts prepping a disused warehouse found millions of brandnew, but outdated dial-up modems in its basement. Saving them from a spectacular end, one entrepreneur bought the lot and is said to be close to a deal with singer Pink, who’s looking to expand her new line of bikiniwear.

So regular was Charlie Sheen at angermanagement courses that he abandoned life on the silver screen altogether to become a full-time counsellor. No one bought his last film, a biographical documentary called I Was Only Joking.

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Cabbage Patch Kids

Nonetheless, he has found great success, and hopes to promote research in the field of ‘emotional inadequacy’ through his latest endeavour at Florida University, better known as FU. Ken Carson – most people won’t even remember this stud. His flowing blonde hair, hard body and steely blue eyes were trademarked. He was a snappy dresser and everyone loved him. But somehow he never made it on his own. In a recent interview with the New York Times, Carson said old age was treating him well and he was happy. He loves sharing brewskies with his mate, GI Joe, and there’s no bad blood with Barbie, even though she doesn’t return his calls anymore.

Everyone thought Trompie would grow up, give up his kettie, marry and settle in the suburbs. The border stuffed all that up.

Trompie was a hero at 32 Battalion, but he just couldn’t handle normal life after the war. He hooked up with what was left of the Boksembende and they set up shop on the Cape Flats. It didn’t take long for The Tromp to connect with The Law. Today, still sporting a wild bouffon of hair, he is a permanent resident near Constantia – a guest of the State at Pollsmoor Prison.

The reaper comes to everyone, even those who were once seemingly invincible.

Having served hairy Knight Rider hero Michael Knight faithfully for decades, the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am called Knight Industries Two Thousand, or KITT for short, was suddenly and without graces set adrift on a slowboat to China – literally.

There’s no rush with shipments of scrap metal. KITT managed to flee the crusher and hid on the streets of Shanghai disguised as a dressed-up rickshaw for years. Without regular software updates, however, the writing was on the wall. Our correspondent last saw the once-slick high-roller in a parking lot, making disco lights for punks and their lady friends.

The first Cabbage Patch Kids made millions from the films, but they just couldn’t break the spell that afflicts top-earning stars. No one said anything when one of them came home with a tattoo. Then, suddenly, there were kids everywhere. NGOs tried preaching restraint, pamphlet mailers, condom airdrops. One day they began to disappear and soon, all were gone. Agricultural researchers thought some kind of alien beetle may be to blame.

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What’s in a

name?

Lynn Berggren follows her thesaurus on a journey through some of South Africa’s most interestingly named places.

S

outh Africa: a place of beauty, majestic views, diverse people and … weird place names. Given the historical diversity of the Rainbow Nation, it’s hardly surprising that little towns and cities were given odd, sometimes nonsensical, names. As eccentric as these names are, the places themselves often offer up weirdness of a different kind.

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A HOLIDAY IN HELL Obviously, when choosing a holiday destination, you want the place's name to at least sound pleasant. Going to Putsonderwater (translated to ‘well without water’) would seem risky in the heat of summer, unless the town has advanced to cater for their lack of water facilities by now.

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ODDLY NAMED PLACES | TRAVEL

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ODDLY NAMED PLACES | TRAVEL

Die Hel

Uniondale

Cape that served as a missionary station many moons ago, be sure to inform your foreign friends that you’re not visiting a place where all the inhabitants stutter while doing the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Sadly, this town wasn’t named after the surgeon who invented a way to prevent the general population from choking, rather, Stutterheim was named after British Army Major-General Richard Carl Gustav Ludwig Wilhelm Julius von Stutterheim, who visited South Africa for eight months in the 1850s.

CREEPING ALONG

Prince Albert

And you probably wouldn’t want to visit a place known as Die Hel (The Hell) if you could help it. But Die Hel, a little town in the Karoo (there are two places in South Africa named after the dark depths), is the perfect place to escape your real-time hell (i.e. the humdrum of city life and work). This little town stretches along a secluded valley in the Western Cape and is apparently so named because of the hell you have to go through to get there.

DID I STUTTER? When planning a holiday in Mzansi, be careful to choose a destination that’s easy to remember and pronounce so that you can tell your friends all about it over drinks. So when heading off to Stutterheim, a lovely little town in the Eastern

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This little town, formed in 1856, was named after two towns, Hopedale and Lyon, joined. According to Ann Gadd, author of Things Ewe Never Kn’ewe About South African Place Names, ‘The union resulted in Uniondale.’

That much is pretty obvious, but this Little Karoo town’s other claim to fame is the tale (could be more fact than fiction), of the 'Uniondale hitchhiker'.

Legend has it that back in 1968, a young, newly engaged couple were driving along the Barandas-Willowmore road, near Uniondale, when they had an accident. The fiancée, Marie Charlotte Roux, died at the scene.

Since then, a number of people have reported seeing a young, blonde woman hitchhiking along the same road. Some kind-hearted individuals have even given her a lift, only to notice a few kilometres down the road that she has vanished from their vehicle. Presumably she went back to the same spot to hitchhike all over again, perhaps hoping that her lost true love would pick her up one day. Others have also reported hearing a woman laugh on the same road.

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TRAVEL | ODDLY NAMED PLACES

GHOULS AND GHOST TOWNS Staying in line with ‘ghost-like’ towns, we come across Prince Albert on the southern border of the Great Karoo in the Western Cape. Prince Albert (pictured bottom left) was named after Queen Victoria’s partner, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg (there's some debate on this; he could've been her lover, handsome toyboy or secret admirer). The Prince has long since passed into the afterlife, but it seems like others might not have done so.

Alisa Tudhope, aka The Story Weaver, presents guided ghost tours through the quaint town. She has become somewhat of a tourist attraction, with her tours starting at dusk and carrying on long after the sun has set and the ghouls have come out to play. I'm not sure how creepy these tours can really be (kids are welcome to join too), but according to her website, Alisa takes groups through the streets of Prince Albert, pointing out homes of the town’s former residents, some of whom apparently refuse to leave, despite having shuffled off this mortal coil.

STORM IN A TEACUP During the early days, what we now know as Cape Town, the Mother City, the best place to live (I’m open to contradictions, but try to prove me wrong), was called the Cape of Good Hope. It would be nice to assume that this spot got its name because ships from far-off lands came across this mini oasis after months at sea, saw the beauty of the land and fell in love, giving them a 'good' sense of hope. It’s not that far from the truth, though.

Portuguese sailor Bartolomeu Dias first named the area ‘Cape of Storms’, after witnessing many a ship lose its cargo and crew to the dangerous waters surrounding the bay. But he also thought the Cape to be a place of hope for those who made it to shore. Sounds like the marketing boys got in there early.

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RUDE ROAD SIGNS South Africa’s got some dirty place names too – some of them so obvious it’s a wonder no one has kicked up a fuss yet.

Case in point: Tietiesbaai. No, it's not what you think (that would be weird), but you wouldn't be wrong if you thought so. Ann puts it perfectly in her book: 'I was always under the impression that the name “Tietiesbaai” was derived from the two mounds of rock seen on the left-hand side when approaching the bay.' But it's not likely the case. The origin of the name is still under debate (really, after all these years?), but there are two possible explanations – one being that Tietiesbaai was either named after French colonial trader Jacques Titus, or that it was named after Titus, a sailor who drowned near the area.

Kokstad … let’s have a moment of silence for this inappropriate name. While we’re at it, let’s hope Kokstad is not a reference for how packed the bars are with testosterone when the Sharks are playing. If there were actual chicken cocks running around, I would feel better about venturing out on a Saturday evening. But both are wrong. This little KZN town was named after a Griqua chief known as Adam Kok lll in 1863.

FROM PERVERTED TO PROTRACTED Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein is almost as exhausting to pronounce as it is to type. The name for this farm in the North West Province is a wondrous example of the possibilities offered by compound language structures. It currently holds the title for the longest place name in SA, but who knows? Perhaps English will catch up with something like 'Whenthesunsetsipickthebestrosesforyouandfallinlovealloveragain'…

THE HILLS HAVE EYES Ugie, pronounced ‘Oogie’ (which is also the Afrikaans spelling for little eye), sits at the bottom of the southern Drakensberg in the Eastern Cape. The name is actually not derived from Afrikaans, but rather Scottish. It’s a reference to an icy river in Scotland by the same name. So despite it sounding like there are little eyes watching you everywhere, it’s actually just a reference to being flipping cold. Better pack your fleecy hoodie.

To find out more about weird names in South Africa, grab yourself a copy of Ann Gadd’s Things Ewe Never Kn’ewe WAY About South African Place GIVEAage 152 Names. Better still, see pg 152 See p etails. for d for a chance to win a copy!

pictures: thinkstock

PORTUGUESE SAILOR BARTOLOMEU DIAS FIRST NAMED THE AREA ‘CAPE OF STORMS’

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u yo al e e id yr y st o j of f the d i kin ven e e . h n t et – ries o s rg o oe y fo em g l m ain ssib our B o y ith n’t p e K uld co

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ALIENATION | TRAVEL

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eople call them flying saucers, but this was something altogether more spectacular. A strange buzzing – like the whirr of a helicopter or swarm of really angry bees – startled me from my bed sometime after midnight.

Flickers of alternating red and green light made patterns against my bedroom curtains. I peeled them apart, revealing a jet-black orb hovering above my front lawn, light bouncing weirdly off its surface, shimmering like liquid mercury.

Staring at the apparition, I felt a pulse of energy reaching out to me. And then I was floating, first dangling, in mid-air.

The next moment, I was being pulled forward, sucked straight through my wall and into the orb.

Its internal proportions were out of whack from what I could see from my window – it seemed vast and impossibly silent. There were no flat surfaces or sharp edges – everything bent and warped into distant horizons. Its floor was totally translucent, so I could see my dog staring up from the front lawn, transfixed.

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Then the jabbering began. Mellifluous, weird gobbledygook coming from a group of lanky, lithe, grey-green humanoid creatures skulking around what I presumed was the craft’s control panel.

One of them inched towards me, gliding rather than walking. Its oversized cranium was shaped like a gigantic light bulb with indistinct lips, slits for nostrils, and the biggest, inkiest, blackest eyes I’d ever seen. Judging from the shape of its chest, arms and shoulders, it had never even seen the inside of a Virgin Active. It was utterly hairless, skin as smooth as a frog, but taut, like a botoxed forehead.

As if a radio had stumbled upon a detectable frequency, its incomprehensible language of clicks and warbling suddenly came through in clear, crisp English. It welcomed me and told me that they hadn’t meant to cause any distress, but that there was no other way of meeting humans without resorting to a kind of primitive kidnapping.

‘Call me Gerald,’ it said, although I assumed this wasn’t his real name.

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pics: greg hillyard, keith bain, www.southafrica.net, supplied

He offered me the option of being returned to my bedroom or spending the rest of the night as their guest. I wondered if their pleasantries were an elaborate ploy leading up to some hideous probing, but nevertheless, I gave in to curiosity.

They seemed to be less on an official mission than on a sightseeing thrill ride, as though meeting humans and touring earth were some sort of intergalactic jol. No sooner had Gerald asked if I’d ever wanted to visit the moon than we were zooming up, up, and away. Away from my garden, from Cape Town, and earth. It was like being whisked up a million-storey elevator at indescribable speed, yet without any sensation of movement. In an instant, we were zipping out of earth’s atmosphere, hurtling through space and skimming across a lunar landscape, dodging crater walls and doing the airborne equivalent of handbrake turns. These aliens had a special knack for showing off.

EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY What followed was a bizarre nationwide tour, a kind of commemorative circuit taking in famous alien encounter sites, and I had a first-class ticket. First up was a tiny place called Rosetta in the Drakensberg.

We settled in the sky above a secluded hilltop where, back in 1956, SA’s most famous abductee,

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a meteorologist named Elizabeth Klarer, claimed to have been beamed aboard a UFO, much like the one I was on. Only, she greatly embroidered upon her mile-high adventure, becoming one of the first ever women to claim to have had a sexual relationship with an alien.

‘A total nutjob,’ said Gerald. ‘It’s true she was taken, but she refused to go home.’

Apparently, Klarer developed some kind of instantaneous infatuation with an alien named Akon. In her accounts to the media, she said she’d been to his home planet, where she’d spent the equivalent of four months, during which she’d fallen pregnant and given birth to Akon’s son, who remained on the Alpha-Centauri planet of Meton.

‘An imaginative tale,’ said Gerald, ‘but we never take humans beyond the moon. And we definitely don’t procreate like that.’

It was only then that I realised Gerald’s kind were completely naked, utterly sexless. Beyond their mouth holes and nostril slits, their formless bodies had no cavities whatsoever.

‘Humans can be extremely susceptible to suggestion,’ said Gerald. ‘And you do tend to believe what you want to believe.’

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NUMEROUS PEOPLE FROM THE EAST RAND REPORTED SEEING STRANGE LIGHTS, RED BALLS AND MASSIVE WHITE LIGHTS ZIPPING THROUGH THE SKIES THAT NIGHT

ALIEN VS PRETORIA

SIGNS

In the blink of an eye, we shot high above the earth again and without so much as a jolt, descended to within inches of a tarred road. ‘This is the road between Pretoria and Bronkhorstspruit,’ explained Gerald, with a surprising knack for pronunciation.

‘In 1965, a pair of police officers reported seeing a nine-metre-wide spaceship land in the middle of this road. They said it was a copper-coloured disc shaped like a spinning top.’

It was a story that had made a flurry in the media, too. Numerous people from the East Rand reported seeing strange lights, red balls and massive white lights zipping through the skies that night.

‘Those bits are credible,’ confessed Gerald, ‘but the policemen exaggerated their claim, saying that our craft released a blaze of fire that scorched the road, leaving it buckled and charred. It was preposterous – we haven’t used fuel-burning thrusters for thousands of years.’

Another instantaneous bolt through the skies and we were floating above a farm in the Eastern Cape. ‘This is where, in 1972, Bennie Smith spotted one of our ships and started shooting at it,’ said Gerald.

It turns out that Smith even got an army regiment from Grahamstown over to investigate, and the story went international. But what amused Gerald was that the incident created such a stir that the tavern at the Savoy Hotel in nearby Fort Beaufort changed its name to UFO Bar, and started collecting encounterthemed news clippings and had flying saucers painted on its walls. ‘You folks will do anything to make a quick buck,’ he said, shaking his oversized head.

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STARSHIP TROOPERS Next up, Gerald’s tour took a solemn turn when we arrived somewhere near the Mozambican border. It was here, in 1982, that South Africa’s army took two

aliens captive. ‘A tragic misunderstanding,’ explained Gerald. ‘A fighter pilot was ordered to open fire on what was suspected to be an enemy MiG. But it wasn’t a Russian plane as was believed; it was one of ours.’

There was enough fire power, though, to bring the UFO down. Later, a special-ops military team recovered the unconscious alien crew members near the wreckage. ‘They took our friends and their craft to Pretoria and then sent them to Washington D.C. It’s unknown what became of them,’ said Gerald grimly.

THE CHRONICLES OF KIDDICKS Our next stop was Ruwa, a town in Zimbabwe, east of Harare. We settled above a hill overlooking some institutional buildings towards which Gerald pointed.

‘That,’ he said, ‘is Ariel School. This is where, back in 1994, we revealed ourselves to more than 60 children.’

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Gerald explained how his ‘people’ had attempted to reach out to a large group of preteens, sharing ideas about saving the planet and cautioning them against being ‘tech-knowledged’. ‘We wanted to warn them against the coming plague of life-sapping gadgets. We’ve seen your ecocrisis looming for a very long time.’

Some of the children were understandably freaked out, but many had been enthralled by the encounter. ‘The children called us “strange beings”,’ said Gerald, ‘and said we had eyes like black rugby balls, but at least they believed that what they’d seen was real.’

Of course, when they told their teachers, none would believe their story, despite the huge number of witnesses. But when the reports reached their parents, word of the weird encounter spread and lots of people started taking an interest.

Psychologists were called in, and pictures the children were asked to draw of the incident shared incredible similarities. The BBC covered the story, and after a Harvard child psychiatrist did interviews with the children, he reported that they were telling the truth. Even the SABC made a documentary.

‘You can always rely on humans to doubt what children have to say, though,’ said Gerald. ‘No matter how much evidence you throw at them, they always go back to believing what they’ve already decided is true.’

STAR WORS The final leg of our tour took us to a little Eastern Cape town, Graaff-Reinet.

‘Probably your country’s best recorded encounter with us happened here in 1998,’ my host fondly told me. Even I remembered the incident, having seen the story on Carte Blanche.

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‘NO MATTER HOW MUCH EVIDENCE YOU THROW AT HUMANS, THEY ALWAYS GO BACK TO BELIEVING WHAT THEY’VE ALREADY DECIDED IS TRUE’

The segment had included actual video footage of several triangular vessels that floated in the sky, changed colours and appeared to dance around one another.

Several eyewitnesses claimed seeing the strange phenomenon, which lasted for some time before the smaller UFOs were joined by a larger gold-coloured craft. They then all disappeared into the distance.

‘But why do you always fly away like that?’ I finally said, asking the obvious.

‘What’s the point of all the cloaks and daggers? Why not simply reveal yourselves once and for all?’

‘Time for you to head home,’ said Gerald, suddenly coy and mysterious.

Almost instantly we were back where we’d started, lasers flickering against my bedroom window, my dog perched on the lawn, staring up in consternation.

‘Is that it?’ I asked. ‘No words of universal wisdom? Not even some bizarre medical procedure?’

‘We can offer you a … probe, if you really want one,’ chuckled Gerald, holding up a spindly finger. This joke sent his crew wild with alien laughter, but before I could respond, I was back in my bed, feeling like I’d just woken from the grips of an incredible dream.

For a long while, that night’s strange events seemed vague and sketchy. From what I can fathom, these aliens had erased my memories of my time with them, leaving only flickers. Which means, like so many who’ve been abducted by aliens, I’ve had to make up a lot of these details about my night spent aboard their flying saucer. But it feels so good to believe, doesn’t it?

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An

unexpected journey

Katie Bigelow discovers the magic of a place that might not actually exist.

L

ike fools, my boyfriend and I were searching for a place that didn’t actually exist. ‘Hobbiton is in New Zealand,’ I said, not for the first time. But Simon had developed a man crush on Bilbo or Frodo Baggins or some endearing elf, and so we were in hot pursuit of his lifelong infatuation with Hogsback.

‘But this is where Tolkien found his original inspiration,’ said Simon, pushing his foot against the accelerator to emphasise his enthusiasm. We were 200km out of PE, steadily approaching Simon’s destiny in the heart of the green-blanketed Amatola Mountains.

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‘Well, at least it’s pretty,’ I relented, knowing full well that only a fool would turn down a week in a paradise like this.

It really did feel like we were leaving one world behind and entering another realm, an effect that was greatly enhanced by blankets of mist draping valleys and low hills, setting the scene for what might very well have been inspiration for the kind of pre-human idyll dreamed up by a fantasy novelist from Bloemfontein.

The little village – a half-length of tarred road with a few convenience shops, a supermarket, a petrol station with a few pumps, and a handful of

galleries – was filled with Middle-Earth inspiration. Roads and houses bore names with a Celtic ring to them, and everywhere were unsubtle references to fairies and other enchanted creatures.

THE OLD FOREST We arrived early enough for a pre-lunch amble, so we stowed our bags and set off for a leg stretch through Hogsback’s ancient Afromontane forest. We were quickly immersed in a cool, soothing shadow world of towering sentinels, ancient yellowwoods, gnarled branches and knotted vines. Crystal-clear streams churned over moss-covered rocks, and

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HOGSBACK | TRAVEL

CRYSTAL-CLEAR STREAMS CHURNED OVER MOSS-COVERED ROCKS, AND MAGNIFICENT WATERFALLS CASCADED DOWN SHAFTS OF VERTICAL ROCK magnificent waterfalls cascaded down shafts of vertical rock, with ferns spilling alongside.

Hunger finally drew us back to our hideaway at The Edge, a handsome retreat poised, quite literally, on the edge of the escarpment overlooking magnificent vistas of hills and valleys and distant peaks.

We tucked into a lunch of fresh organic greens on wholesome breads, drinking in the timeless atmosphere that floated up from across the terraced gardens with their profusion of Englishclimate trees – azaleas, birches, and rhododendrons – and bulging flower

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beds that merged into the backdrop of surrounding forest. Besides its restaurant, The Edge has a selection of craft shops, an on-site silversmith and its own labyrinth, which we used as a gentle introduction to Hogsback’s culture of spiritual awareness I’d heard whisperings of over lunch.

THREE IS COMPANY We emerged recharged and revitalised from the labyrinth, and set off towards Hogsback’s award-winning Ecology Shrine, a kind of immersive walk-through sculpture garden created by local artist Diana Graham.

Diana herself was at the entrance to walk us through and explain what she’d done. ‘The people in Hogsback are here because we’re in love with nature,’ she said. ‘We live on large acreages amidst indigenous forest, so we don’t go in for housing developments and shopping malls.’ Then she explained that the 30-year-old shrine resulted from her artistic interests in ‘feminist theology and feminist eco-spirituality’, a revelation that caused Simon’s eyes to glaze over.

She’d created a kind of open-air gallery decorated with relief paintings depicting the evolution of life, and the relationship between humans and the planet.

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HOGSBACK | TRAVEL

Between these philosophical artworks were ‘windows’ framing views up the valley towards a waterfall and the three distant Hogsback mountains.

That night we heeded one more of Diana’s many tips, casting our eyes up towards the skies and spending hours watching meteorites dancing across a glittery, star-filled canvas.

THERE AND BACK AGAIN

BETWEEN THESE PHILOSOPHICAL ARTWORKS WERE ‘WINDOWS’ FRAMING VIEWS UP THE VALLEY

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Revitalised by deep sleep, we spent the following morning with mountain-biking enthusiast Neels du Toit, who started local adventure company Cycle Roots after discovering that Hogsback had been a big biking mecca back in the day.

He restored a bunch of old trails through the mountains, and also built a few new ones. Following Neels, we covered a loop of almost 19km, passing seven different waterfalls along the way, cycling through rivers and negotiating a few single-track stretches. He showed us hidden pockets of wonder, took us to hidden viewpoints, and showed us the Madonna and Child waterfall (among the highest in the area), as well as his 40-metre abseiling operation.

I wanted to see more of the birdlife that had been so vocal in the treetops, so Neels put us in touch with selftaught ornithologist Graham Russell, who took us on a three-hour forest walk to scout for some of the area’s special birds, including endangered Cape parrots, Knysna woodpeckers, bush blackcaps, Narina trogons, and buff-spotted flufftails. On our walk, we came across grey duikers, bushbuck, mongooses and bush pigs, and saw plenty samango monkeys – apparently Hogsback is the most southerly point in Africa where they occur.

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HOGSBACK | TRAVEL

pics: ken harvey of mirrors photo gallery

GRAHAM ALSO TOLD US THE TALE ABOUT A CREATURE THAT APPEARS ONLY IN LOCAL LEGEND – AN ENORMOUS FLYING SNAKE BELIEVED TO LIVE BENEATH THE HOGSBACK MOUNTAINS.

Graham also told us the tale about a creature that appears only in local legend – an enormous flying snake believed to live beneath the Hogsback mountains. This titbit was enough to send Simon over the edge with excitement. I could hear his imagination ticking over: ‘A dragon?’

‘I reckon if you want to know the truth about Tolkien’s relationship with Hogsback,’ said Graham, ‘you’d better go see the potter.’

A CONSPIRACY UNMASKED We met with Anton van der Merwe at his Starways Arts Centre, and heard how he’d come to Hogsback to set up a hightemperature stoneware kiln that could function sustainably.

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‘We are surrounded by commercial forests,’ he said, ‘so there’s an indefinite supply of fuel from felled wastage.’

Anton isn’t only a ceramicist, though.

He married an opera singer and wanted to give her a place to perform, so he built an open-air theatre in the forest – a stage with a tree growing straight up through the centre. Now it hosts all kinds of performances – from Carmen to Xhosa-style operas and almost everything in between.

But Simon was more eager to hear about Hogsback’s Tolkien associations.

‘There are passages from The Hobbit that could describe Hogsback perfectly,’ agreed Anton. ‘What’s left of our indigenous forest certainly conjures up that dreamy world, and I do believe he visited as a lad.’ Simon’s eyes twinkled.

‘But he would have been a very, very young lad,’ warned Anton. ‘Tolkien was born just before the turn of the last century, and he moved to England before he was five years old.

‘In scouring various biographies, I came across a reference to Tolkien being sick as a boy and his father being advised to take him to the mountains. That’s all there is to suggest that he might have come here – Bloemfontein has no mountains. Back in those days there was a train journey that the Tolkien family could have taken to Cathcart, from where regular buggy transfers brought passengers to what is now Hogsback.’

I felt compelled to ask how a sick boy of three might have absorbed enough visual information to write such thick books about a place he visited once.

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‘Well,’ said Anton. ‘It’s known that Tolkien’s son was stationed in South Africa and visited Hogsback, and he is said to have sent sketches and descriptions of this place home to his father. So, one way or another, it’s likely that these magical forests fuelled the atmosphere of the forests in The Lord of the Rings.’

Simon’s eyes bulged with satisfaction, like those of a child who’d just confirmed the existence of the Easter bunny. I felt my tail curling up between my legs, but then I burst Simon’s bubble with another question. I wanted to know if Hogsback had any other outrageously larger-thanlife associations.

As an artist, Anton was pleased to reveal Hogsback’s link to Pablo Picasso.

He told us that Walter Batiss had taken the Spaniard a gift of two horses carved by the sculptors who sell their work along the side of the road leading into the little town.

Picasso is also said to have told Batiss that they were the most beautiful African artefacts he’d ever seen. ‘In Picasso’s horses painted during the 60s,’ explained Anton, ‘you see some of the linear qualities evident in the sculptures made right here. Meaning Picasso might have been inspired by our local artists.’

Simon’s jaw hung wide open.

A WARM WELCOME We’d been told to arrive very early for dinner at Nutwoods Park, so that one of the owners could first take us on a personally guided tour of the garden.

We’d been warned that the food would be excellent and the house it was served in impeccably decorated, but the three-hectare formal gardens laid out in 1932 was a wonder to behold, filled

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ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IT’S LIKELY THAT THESE MAGICAL FORESTS FUELLED THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE FORESTS IN THE LORD OF THE RINGS

with indigenous and exotic marvels, from yellowwoods and cypresses to profusions of pretty flowers.

Dinner was prepared by a Spaniard with incredible flair and made us feel like royalty. It was unexpectedly sophisticated and brilliant, with loads of vegetables fresh from Nutwoods’ own organic garden.

On Saturday morning, we skipped breakfast in favour of nibbling on the fresh produce at the market at

Butterfly’s, a bistro in a wooden A-frame house beneath the ancient oaks in the village. There, we bumped into many more of Hogsback’s endearing, salt-ofthe-earth characters.

They were a mix of artists and academics, eco-boffins and naturelovers, hippies and honest-to-god humans, and it occurred to me that they were altogether just as interesting as any assortment of elves, orcs, dwarves and hobbits.

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There’s a

monster on my stoep

Bored with the Big Five? Join intrepid cryptozoologist Dexter Douglas on a journey into the unknown in search of South Africa’s own mythical beasts.

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MZANSI'S CRAZIEST CRYPTIDS | TRAVEL

I

f you think South Africa’s biggest and meanest animals are cooling their heels in the Kruger, then you need to think again. In fact, you need to spend some time on the internet, where the truth lives. Because there are some crazy creatures out there, and I know this because I’ve instant messaged people who’ve seen them, okay? Or who spoke to someone’s uncle who saw them, at least.

People may scoff at cryptozoology (basically the study of creatures that haven’t technically been proven to exist … yet), but there’s some crazy stuff out there, probably not even far from your home. And our South African cryptids make the world-famous ones – you know, Big Foot, El Chupacabra and the Loch Ness Monster – seem like small fry.

Some will whine about lame stuff, like there not being a ‘scientific record’ or ‘evidence’ that these creatures exist.

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But the evidence is that feeling in your gut, deep down in your bones. These monsters are out there, and it pays to know where, so you don’t become just another statistic quoted on a forum somewhere in the Deep Web. Stay safe, people, it’s a jungle out there.

MERMAID – LITTLE KAROO There’s usually not enough water in the Karoo to water down a whisky, but that hasn’t stopped some mermaids setting up shop.

There are rather a lot of tales about a woman with blue eyes, pink cheeks and fish tails combing her coal-black hair in deep mountain pools and rivers all over the Karoo, and children are often warned not to go too near to deep pools in case the ‘water aunties’ drag them under. So Ariel these mermaids are not. And how’s this: there are even San rock paintings

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MZANSI'S CRAZIEST CRYPTIDS | TRAVEL

THE GROOTSLANG IS BASICALLY A MONSTROUS ELEPHANT WITH THE TAIL OF A SNAKE THAT LURKS IN A CAVE SYSTEM, KNOWN COLLOQUIALLY (AND DELIGHTFULLY) AS THE BOTTOMLESS PIT IN THE RICHTERSVELD

depicting what appear to be mermaids. So don’t be a hater, mermaids are real, okay?

GROOTSLANG – RICHTERSVELD, NORTHERN CAPE This won’t win the award for best name on this list: a) because it seriously lacks imagination; and b) because it doesn’t do a great job describing the beast. The Grootslang is basically a monstrous elephant with the tail of a snake that lurks in a cave system, known colloquially (and delightfully) as the Bottomless Pit in the Richtersveld. Already, you should know that there isn’t a homely vibe going on. Anyway, the Grootslang is the baddest of badasses (perhaps the badassest?), feeding on trespassers who it lures into its lair.

INKANYAMBA – HOWICK FALLS, KWAZULU-NATAL MIDLANDS Until you know about the Inkanyamba, the scariest thing about Howick is … well, there’s nothing else scary about it. It’s kind

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of dull like that. Anyway, the Inkanyamba is basically a giant serpent with the head of a horse, and is said to live in the pool below Howick Falls, with others also living in Midmar Dam and various other bodies of water in the Midlands. Which would be fine if they stayed put, however, when they’re feeling frisky or fighting over territory with another Inkanyamba, they travel in dark, angry clouds, causing fierce winds, rain and hail to lash the countryside. Think of the bad mood a teenager gets in thanks to all those hormones, and how awful they behave as a result; double that, and you can imagine the destruction the Inkanyamba can cause.

MAMLAMBO – MOUNT AYLIFF, EASTERN CAPE Named after the Zulu goddess of rivers, the Mamlambo is one of the more crazy creatures on this list. It made headlines across the country in 1997 when it killed nine people in the Mzintlava River near Mount Ayliff. Here’s the creepy bit – it didn’t just kill them, it ate their faces and sucked their

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MZANSI'S CRAZIEST CRYPTIDS | TRAVEL

Ever seen a skin sac fight two killer whales though? Me neither. The truth is out there.

UMDHLEBI – ZULULAND The only plant on this list, the Umdhlebi is not what you’d want to buy for your mum from the local nursery. As reported in the late 1800s – and not seen since, though probably because no one survives an encounter with it – the Umdhlebi is an extremely toxic tree that poisons any living thing that approaches it, the idea being that the humans and animals it strikes down fertilise the soil in which it grows, littering the ground with skeletons.

The fruit can be used as an antidote to the poison, but getting it would prove tricky, though it’s said that offering a goat or a sheep to the tree will allow you to approach it unharmed.

I wouldn’t take any chances though – rather don’t get poisoned so you don’t need the antidote anyway. Duh.

DAS-ADDER – DRAKENSBERG

pictures: thinkstock, 'grootslang' by jeff mcarthur (guategeek) own work, 'hammerkop scopus umbretta national aviary 2000px by (C)2007 derek ramsey (ram-man)

ON THE PROWL The Lightning Bird has an insatiable thirst for blood.

brains out, hence its nickname, ‘the Brain Sucker’. Charming.

Villagers in the area, who claim to have seen it, say it’s 20-metres long and has the torso of a horse, lower body of a fish and neck of a snake, shining with a green light at night.

Makes the Loch Ness Monster sound like a wuss, right?

TRUNKO – MARGATE, KWAZULU-NATAL The name may sound like the mascot of a cheap breakfast cereal, but this creature is also known as the Margate Monster, and it captured the attention of people around the world when it washed up on Margate’s beach in 1924.

With snowy white fur, the trunk of an elephant and a lobster-like tail, eyewitnesses watched two killer whales battle it (describing it as looking like a giant polar bear), before its corpse washed ashore. Foolishly, people have written it off as being a globster, which is – and at this point, perhaps you should swallow if you’re eating – a large, tough skin-sac of blubber which is left behind when a whale dies and its skull and skeleton have separated from the skin.

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You’d be excused for thinking Das-Adder is what a German tourist exclaims when they come across a snake (and it might be – I don’t speak German). The snake part is half right, but this is probably the weirdest cryptid on this list.

Ever had a nightmare about a dassie (aka rock hyrax, aka those adorable, wide-of-hip mammals that look like large guinea pigs)? Now’s the time. The terrifying Das-Adder is basically a puff adder with the head of a dassie. Now, that may seem like the best bits of both, seeing as it’s the front part of the puff adder that’s dangerous, but the thing is, that the cute head of the Das-Adder is deadly venomous and capable of hypnotising humans at a glance. So it might pay to wear a welding mask the next time you’re hiking in the Berg.

IMPUNDULU – KWAZULU-NATAL AND EASTERN CAPE Also known as the Lightning Bird, the Impundulu is as big as a human and can summon lightning and storms, though that’s the less terrifying aspect of this creature. It also happens to be a shape shifter, and has an insatiable thirst for blood, attacking people to drain them.

They’re familiars (which are essentially assistants) of witches, which probably explains their bad behaviour. The Hammerkop is believed to be one manifestation of the Impundulu, which adds a bit of spice to things the next time you spot one.

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Amathole District Municipality Amathole District Municipality (ADM) maintains unqualified audit outcome for the fourth time running

W

hile majority of municipalities are still struggling with the running of their finances, Amathole District Municipality (ADM) has been steadily maintaining its unqualified status for the fourth fiscal term running.

The report comprises of the consolidated and separate statement of financial position, as at 30 June 2014, the consolidated and separate statement of financial performance, statement of changes in net assets, budget statement, and the cash-flow statement for the year.

‘Today is an important milestone that began years ago, as just an ideology, and it is such a remarkable experience to realise that we are now on the verge of having a clean audit in our lifetime. This is why, as the ADM, we are abiding by the standards of high values,’ says the clearly pleased ADM Executive Mayor Nomasikizi Konza. Under its jurisdiction, ADM has seven local municipalities, some of which are still struggling with sound financial management. Against this factor, a concerned Konza says it is critical that ‘as the Amathole District Municipality improves, so too should its seven local municipalities’.

ADM Municipal Manager Chris Mangwangqana, ADM Executive Mayor Cllr Nomasikizi Konza and President Jacob Zuma during the official launch of the ADM Sanitation Project.

‘The principles of oversight and anti-corruption are also at our core. You cannot talk clean governance, while tolerating corruption at the same time. It is with this in mind that the political and administration leadership of the ADM has maintained an open-door relationship with the Auditor-General, so that they constantly have a say in the manner in which we handle our books,’ she adds.

Chief Financial Officer Mr Nkosinathi Soga, Executive Mayor Nomasikizi Konza, Portfolio Head of Finance Cllr Laverne Jacobs and Municipal Manager Mr Chris Magwangqana.

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Advertorial

Konza also passes words of appreciation to both the executive management, for steering the ADM ship steadily in often turbulent conditions, and the ADM Council and all its councillors and committees for their valued support.

‘Without this support, oversight and co-operation, we would not be in the position that we are today,’ she says.

One of the key pillars of the ADM is ensuring free basic service delivery to its communities; a resolve was taken to allow the municipal manager to investigate alternative potential funding sources. The result is MIG funding amounting to more than R631 million from the Development Bank South Africa (DBSA), to be used towards infrastructure development.

‘We are heeding the call to go back to the basics. Our budgeting framework is set on principles of good governance, in accordance with the mandate of the ruling government, so we can ensure that we effectively and socially intervene on the high levels of poverty, inequality and unemployment; maintain and improve aging infrastructure; and prioritise rural development and agriculture,’ she says. ‘[The DBSA grant], will enable us to accelerate the eradication of sanitation backlogs for the benefit of nearly 70 000 households. Furthermore, it will enable us to fast-track service delivery over the next period of nine months,’ adds Konza.

For more information, contact Siyabulela Makunga Senior Manager: Communications & Customer Care; Communications and Customer Care Unit; Department of Strategic Planning & Management Waverley Office Park, No. 3-33 Phillip Frame Road, Chiselhurst, 5247 Tel: +27(0) 43 7783 2305 Cell: +27(0) 72 768 0238 or +27(0) 71 642 8471 Fax: +27(0) 86 642 1991 Email: siyabulelam@amathole.gov.za Website: www.amathole.gov.za

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From left: Municipal Manager Mr Chris Magwangqana, Executive Mayor Nomasikizi Konza and Chief Financial Office Mr Nkosinathi Soga.

Traditional dancers from Great Kei Municipality celebrating the launch of the Waste Management Project.

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ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE | BEHIND THE SCENES

Zombie or not to be

Will Edgcumbe grabs his cricket bat, stocks up on baked beans and gets ready to survive the zombie apocalypse – Mzansi style.

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f any person can get through the inevitable zombie apocalypse, it’s a South African. Think about it: our homes are impregnable fortresses; our vehicles have smash and grab; we’re constantly aware of who’s around us and what their intentions might be; we’re used to not having electricity or water for long periods of time; and fear is just another emotion to deal with on a daily basis. These are all key ingredients when it comes to protecting yourself from the hordes of undead.

For most people, zombie movies are merely entertainment, but for a small subset of us, they’re instructional – kind of like a public service announcement, just way more gory. And so people like me have given way more thought than an adult human probably should into what to do when the dead rise up and want nothing more than to feast on the sweetbreads of the living.

Perhaps it seems silly, but it would be even sillier to be completely unprepared should some bat in Bolivia bite a scientist, turning him or her into patient zero, and igniting a plague that sweeps the face of the planet, sparing none but the few paranoid souls who’ve prepped for this since the first time they watched Night of the Living Dead.

Let the following pages be a blueprint for survival in a world of ghouls. After all, wouldn’t you rather be the one swinging a bat at the head of a moaning corpse than be said corpse? Thought so.

pictures: istock.com

BE PREPARED If you don’t think the zombie apocalypse is coming, you’re likely to be the first to get bitten and turn on those you love. Like your old headmaster used to say, ‘Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail.’ When zombies are clawing at your front

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door, you don’t want to be wondering what time Checkers closes, and if they might still have any baked beans in stock.

Keep a 10kg pack of rice and assorted tinned goods under your floorboards, rotating them out roughly every six months to ensure maximum freshness and minimal weevils. You can be sure that your electricity and water will fail pretty quickly, so a rainwater tank and solar-powered lights will also be useful.

In the post-zombie economy, it’s also safe to assume that the value of things will change somewhat. Suddenly, your collection of antique China dolls with real human hair will be rendered useless, so try to keep in hand a variety of useful things to trade with other survivors, like knives, biltong, soap, medicine, seeds – these will be the new gold.

Basically, think about all the things you’d need to go camping for a really long time in a place where there’ll be hundreds of angry lions trying to eat you up all the time, and pack accordingly.

GETTING AROUND If you’re unable to wait the apocalypse out in your average prison-like South African home, be it because you failed to prepare or because your inlaws managed to find their way inside, you’re going to need to travel effectively.

Bear in mind that the roads are going to be a nightmare. Major highways will be jammed up by people who tried to flee the cities, only to get snagged at an army quarantine point and overtaken by a slow wave of ravenous cadavers. And smaller roads will have a different challenge, with suburbs likely marked out as small fiefdoms and guarded by roving bands of militia.

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The heart and soul of South Africa captured in a breathtaking space Freedom Park is about you and me – it’s about the South African tale, in the voice of South African people. Using our unique culture, heritage, history and spirituality, Freedom Park tells our previously untold stories. It honours the efforts of our heroes and heroines who died in the struggle for our humanity and freedom.

www.freedompark.co.za

Hailed as the most ambitious heritage project of our democratic government and set to become one of the foremost tourist destinations in the country, Freedom Park has opened its doors to the public, allowing visitors to marvel at the heart and soul of South Africa captured in a breathtaking space.

Situated in our capital’s city centre, Freedom Park stands as a memorial to what we have achieved as a nation. More importantly, it stands as a beacon that guides us on the route of hope and patriotism that we as South Africans must travel to build a united nation that you and I can be proud to call home. Freedom Park urges us to experience and appreciate our history, to walk where our ancestors have walked, and to learn about our shared heritage as brothers and sisters of the diverse nation of South Africa. It is the heartbeat of all that is South African – our history, culture, spirituality and heritage – the hub through which to know this land of promise in all its diversity.

We are open 7 days a week, from 8am until 4.30pm.

There are guided tours daily at 9am, 12pm and 3pm (except on Good Friday and Christmas Day).

Maps are available for self-guided tours.

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ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE | BEHIND THE SCENES

You want to stick to the most obscure of back roads and not be afraid to go off-road entirely. This may seem impossible in your neighbourhood, but just visualise what would happen should your local Woolies had a 90% off everything sale and the roads get all snarled – would a taxi driver get stuck? Of course not!

It’s about laying down new paths that the average person is too polite to think of.

Your choice of vehicle is critical here. If you try to get away in some souped-up GTi with lowered suspension, you’re just going to get stuck on the first piece of debris you drive over (possibly your next-door neighbour).

A better bet would be something with decent road clearance. You should have your pick of SUVs and double cabs littering the road outside your house, as long as you don’t mind turfing out what remains of the original owner. A pretty safe bet would actually be a minibus taxi – they go forever, drive fast, can seemingly handle all terrain, and most have probably hit the odd goat or cow before and kept going, so blindsiding the odd zombie in the road should be all in a day’s business.

WHERE TO NOW? So you’ve got your car, now what?

Unless you have the keys to some penthouse in your city – the kind of place that has one way in and out, and that’s easily defensible – you may want to go somewhere as unpopulated as possible. The logic

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is simple: fewer people fighting for water and resources, and fewer zombies trying to eat you. The Drakensberg is a decent bet. Animated corpses aren’t known for being surefooted, so they’ll battle with rocky paths, and you’re also guaranteed an unlimited supply of fresh water.

There’s also game you can hunt and shoot; the parks board would ordinarily frown on this, but as they’ll be quite busy feasting on each other’s brains, there’ll be fewer spot fines to worry about. The Karoo and Kalahari would offer you good lines of sight, but unless you’re a serious survivalist, you might have a hard time surviving the desert elements.

A farm somewhere in the Free State is probably your best option – the kind of place you can imagine the Broederbond meeting, or the kind of place with some sort of rugby-player breeding programme (just make sure you wear a Cheetahs jersey before approaching any farmhouses). Ironically, it would be even better if the farm owner is one of those loons who’s convinced the Night of the Long Knives is a real thing – they’ll know their way around a weapon, and they’ve been lusting after some cathartic bloodshed for a long time now, so you’ll be in good hands.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY From the first signs of the plague to when the zed-heads are sweeping through cities and devouring anything with a pulse, you need to establish basic zombie lore. Dismiss some of the sillier pop culture stuff, like thinking that

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zombies can run, have feelings or think about anything other than what’s within your cranium. Follow news reports carefully, and don’t be afraid to listen to rumours and hearsay: word will quickly get out about how best to stop them and what to do (though, if in doubt, removing the head or destroying the brain is a safe route).

If you can assess the walking deads’ weak points, you’ll be in a better position to know when to fight and when to flee. For example, a lone zombie isn’t all that dangerous out in the open – they’re slow and unco-ordinated – but if you’re backed into a corner, they’re a different proposition. Learn this stuff.

KNOW YOUR OTHER ENEMY If there’s one thing The Walking Dead has taught us, it’s that zombies are the least of your problems; it’s the other people you really need to worry about.

That’s a pretty dark worldview, but if you’re in possession of the world’s last beer, just know that someone out there will do anything to get their hands on it.

And I mean anything. You can also be sure that the most awful creatures in the world – hormone-crazed teenagers – will take this opportunity to form roaming feral gangs. Rather give them a wide berth.

SELF-PROTECTION Throw away your pepper spray and stun gun. You need practical weapons with real stopping power. Guns are great, but unless you’re a good enough shot to nail a zombie in the head, all you’re going to do is waste bullets while turning your target into a walking sieve. What you need are blunt weapons that can cave in a skull (a cricket or baseball bat, for example) or slicing weapons that can remove their head, such as a panga or even a sharp garden spade.

Unless you’re beastly strong and just happen to have a suit of chainmail lying around, you might think there’s not much you can wear to protect you from an undead mauling. But a decent wetsuit will offer excellent protection – it’s springy and hard to bite through, unless you’re unlucky and the zombie that gets you is a Twilight fan who filed down their canines. You’ll sweat more than Dick King’s horse though, so for the sake of other survivors, please wear antiperspirant.

LEARN SOME VALUABLE SKILLS It’s great that your job title is Social Media Rock Star, but you’re going to be next to useless after the plague wars if you don’t learn some valuable hands-on skills, like carpentry, weapon-making, farming, welding, and the like.

You may have mercilessly mocked Khaki Koos on the cover of Farmer’s Weekly, but he’s now your overlord, and you don’t want to be the guy who has to take latrine duty for the rest of his life because his only skill was coming up with pithy tweets about fabric softener.

Things that will get you killed

Seriously guys and gals, I don’t know if this needs to be said at all, but if the zombie movies are anything to go by, people make a lot of really dumb and really fatal decisions when they’re scared.

• Don’t split up. You want numerical superiority if possible, and you can also watch each other’s backs.

• Don’t go into a dark building alone, especially if you heard weird noises from inside. Curiosity will get you killed in a grisly way.

• Maintain noise and light discipline after dark. You don’t want zombies (or those feral teens) hearing or seeing you at night and being drawn in.

• Don’t take a sexy shower in an abandoned house – this is clearly a recipe for a zombie to corner you – unless you’re in your wetsuit, in which case, it won’t be sexy at all, and the shower will be pointless. So steer clear of showers in strange, dark houses is basically what I’m saying.

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DRIVE | ACTION

Opel fools Believe it or not, the Opel Adam can actually take you places, as David Taylor discovers.

pictures: supplied

A

s a rally car, this car is woeful.

It can’t go off-road and there’s only enough room for three people. The Opel Adam is pretty useless when it comes to luggage-carrying capacity, and there’s no way to transport anything larger than a shopping bag.

Performance wise, you’re going to get left behind by most performance cars and the fuel tank has to be refilled every 350km. So it’s not the most frugal of cars either. The vehicle doesn’t come with satnav or heated seats, and there’s nothing in the way of a DVD player either.

How ridiculous!

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You’re a fool if you’ve read this far and not realised that I’m having a laugh.

All jokes aside, the Opel Adam is a terrific little vehicle, which spearheads the latest product offerings from the German car maker. The Adam also offers a competitive package, starting from R189 900. You get two types of engines – a 1.4-litre (avoid) and a 1.0-litre turbo (winner).

Having lived with a turbo Adam for a month, it’s the one I’d pick all day, every day. Its power outputs of 85kW and 170Nm rival that of a 1.8, yet it’s considerably lighter on fuel too.

Not only is it fun to drive, but it also boasts a number of great features like touch screen infotainment, smartphone connectivity, daytime running lights, and the car can even parallel park for you.

The best part of the Opel Adam has to be the sheer array of customising options. You can opt for a two-tone body, different-coloured wing mirrors, funky wheel designs, and you can even change the colour of the dashboard.

So there you have it, the Opel Adam is a charming little city slicker that boasts innovative technology and is entertaining to drive. What a little winner.

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ACTION | DRIVE

SUZUKI IM-4

ii Claimed to be tough, intelligent and fun, the Suzuki iM-4 shows off what Suzuki’s next range of little off-road vehicles will potentially look like.

v

LF SA u LEXUS ii This wacky little thing is the result of Lexus giving its designers a short brief: make an ultracompact 2+2 city car.

Motoring shows are where car companies go wild with their designs, and it’s incredible to see what they can come up when they’re not hampered by budgets. Here are the five best creations from Geneva Motor Show 2015.

MARTIN DBX w ASTON ii James Bond goes 4x4? No really, Aston Martin claims this is a battery-powered crossover model.

NISSAN SWAY

ii The Sway shows off the latest thinking behind Nissan’s design language. Expect to see design cues from this model in future Nissan models.

VOLKSWAGEN SPORT COUPÉ GTE

ii If Volkswagen were to make a sporty and elegant luxury coupé, this is a fairly accurate representation of what it would look like.

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text: david taylor; pictures: supplied

No-budget brilliance

x

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PROPERTY | STUFF

Made in SA

Only a fool wouldn’t support lekker local designers.

Hasmita Amtha gets décorative.

T

revyn McGowan, of Southern Guild, explained at the opening of the V&A Waterfront’s The Watershed: ‘Southern African design has a unique place in the global market.

Our designers follow a path with provenance, exploring their own identity and cultural history, and their products carry a fertile and complex narrative.’

And it’s with this in mind that we

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explore six 100%-local brands that you should keep an eye out for:

NATURALLY INSPIRED Designer John Vogel has worked with many materials, but his strongest affinity is for timber, and most of his inspiration comes from nature and the exploration of organic forms. While his collection comprises seating, tables and

wall sculptures, his collectible tables, such as the Bloom Table (pictured above), are a definite favourite.

Vogeldesigns.co.za

MAD ABOUT MUNGO Based in the seaside town of Plettenberg Bay, Mungo is a family-run business that specialises in the design and weaving of textiles. Mungo has a

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Big enough to service YOUR corporate fleet needs.

Committed enough to care about YOU!

Call us for the best monthly rates nationwide!

Trucks

Vans and Buses

Cars

Tel: 087 135 1350 | Email: reservations@urentsa.co.za | www.urentsa.co.za

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PROPERTY | STUFF

CERAMIC FACTORY

UMDABU

pictures: supplied

MUNGO

collection of homeware products that range from table linens and bedding to throws and apparel. With an organic look and feel, the collection can be integrated into any home. Mungo.co.za

GEOMETRIC CRAZY Having recently celebrated its second birthday, Jozi’s very own Ceramic

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Factory has made its presence known on the local décor scene with a range of bespoke, quirky and colourful ceramics. Ceramic Factory has just launched a new collection hot from the oven, entitled ‘Childhood Dream Animation and Arniston Geometric’, which is inspired by childhood memories, evoked fantasies and a weekend away to the little fishing village of Arniston.

Ceramicfactory.co.za

PROUDLY AFRICAN With a passion for creating unique furniture pieces with a natural edge, Michael Ferreira transpired this very same love into Umdabu, a furniture and design company. Michael draws inspiration from the unique and natural beauty that’s found locally and across our borders, producing products, using their natural state, for contemporarystyled settings.

Umdabu.co.za

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PROPERTY | STUFF

MERVYN GERS

DESIGN DUO Woltemade is the creative design studio of Johan and Lene Botha. With a distinctive, minimalist approach, they design and create furniture pieces that illustrate the relationship between geometric shapes and natural organic proportions. Their design portfolio includes lighting, clock designs, coffee tables and wall-mounted mirrors.

Woltemade.co.za

Why shop local?

Mzansi has many talented designers who are creating amazing products that are on par with global designers.

Here's why you should buy local: • You will be supporting your country's economy and job creation by purchasing local products.

• Delivery and returns are a lot easier.

• You are not limited to what you see at the store; often brands have online stores that showcase their full range.

• Often local designer pieces can be cheaper due to there being no import tax.

• You can have custom-made products that are suited to a South African lifestyle.

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POTTER ON

WOLTEMADE

WOLTEMADE

Award-winning ceramic artist Mervyn Gers specialises in bespoke tableware.

Offering his clients an opportunity to custom-make a range that truly reflects their style and taste, Mervyn designs shapes and images, selects colours, and mixes different glazes to provide each set with a unique look and feel. Our favourites are his Koi and Blue Willow ranges. Mervyngers.com The SA Home Owner April 2015 issue is now shelf. Get your copy now, and visit www.sahomeowner.co.za for your monthly dose of inspirational architectural and interior design, and the latest trends in décor.

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STUFF | MONEY MATTERS

The best investments ever – not!

Looking to make a quick buck? You better look before you leap! Katherine Graham runs us through some of the silliest investments ever made.

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So what are the most foolish investments ever made? Here are our favourites:

SCHWEEB THE DWEEB AND OTHER GOOGLE DUDS First off, it’s got a rather unfortunate name (pity the PR people who have to punt it). In 2010, Google invested $1-million in Schweeb, described by Citylab.com as a ‘whimsical plastic people-mover, a blend of monorail and recumbent bicycle’. Needless to say, it has yet to revolutionise urban transit around the globe and so far is only operational in an adventure park in New Zealand.

But $1-million is a drop in the ocean compared to the cool billion dollars that

Google paid for a 5% share in AOL in 2005. As Unlimitedmagazine.com noted, this is akin to the Ford company investing in a buggy whip maker. Why would the world’s biggest search engine want a share in its smaller, uglier stepsister?

Perhaps today they’d be willing to admit that the investment was rather silly.

BOX-OFFICE FLOPS If you really want to lose your money, the safest option is to invest in movies, given that there’s an almost 50/50 chance that your movie will bomb spectacularly.

Finding the right actors, keeping production costs under control and choosing the right distributor are only some of the obstacles that need to be overcome. And even when you think you’re backing a winner, it can backfire on you. Take Stealth in 2005, which seemingly had everything going for it – A-grade actors (Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel), a good director and an engaging storyline – but ended up making a $112-million loss at the box office.

Then again, despite all the odds, you might back a sleeper hit. Who would have thought a movie about a slum-dwelling Indian boy who wins a TV quizz show would be a runaway success? And yet, that’s exactly what Slumdog Millionaire achieved in 2008, scooping eight Oscars in the process.

Sound rather silly? Investing in movies certainly can be.

picture: istock

W

hen he first started working, Frank Magwegwe of Momentum Retail decided he would take a gamble on the stock market. ‘Back in 1998, an investor had seven days to pay when buying shares on the JSE,’ he explains. ‘With this in mind, I bought R100 000 worth of shares in Mouldmed Medical Supplies.’

At the time, he didn’t have the money to pay for the shares; he was banking that the share price would increase in the interim, allowing him to sell the shares at a profit before the seven-day period had lapsed.

Unfortunately for him, that week the company made an announcement that their future earnings would be greatly reduced. ‘The share price fell and I was forced to sell the shares,’ he says. ‘Since I didn’t even have the money, I had to get a loan to pay it back.’ The loss Frank made on his brilliant investment? R15 000.

These days he’s a lot wiser to the vagaries of the stock market and harebrained investment schemes. ‘Recently I was asked to comment on a “not-to-bemissed” investment opportunity that a client had heard about,’ he says. ‘The client was promised 2% interest per day on an investment with a six-month duration. That means R100 would grow to R3 500 in six months!’

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STUFF | COMPETITIONS

Treasure Hunt Camp cleanse What’s in a name?

We’ve got three copies of Things You Never Kn’ewe about South African Place Names to give away!

Published by MapStudio, this book offers a humorous look at the origins, mysteries and folklore surrounding some odd place names in SA, written and illustrated by well-known author and artist Ann Gadd.

One health-conscious khuluma reader can win a 10-day detox camp at the CSN Fat Elimination & Diabetes Reversal Camp in Great Brak River, including accommodation, all meals, all CSN products, seminars, entertainment, doctor on call, and sugar and blood-pressure checks.

The CSN lifestyle offers an eating programme with dramatic and permanent weight-loss results, and a substantial improvement of your overall health and wellbeing.

Join the khuluma Treasure Hunt and win with Numata! Find the Numata logo hidden in a story in this issue of khuluma, and you could win a 16GB iPad Mini.

Keep up with an ever-evolving business world with Numata’s results-driven IT solutions for SMEs, and let them fly with you into the future and assist you with your IT requirements.

Contact marketing@numata.co.za for more info.

Competitions

Movie merchandising mayhem

We’ve got five pulse-pounding Run All Night hampers to give away, valued at a whopping R1 500 each! Each hamper contains a T-Shirt, pullover, touch-screen gloves, wristbands and a sportpack.

It's brown, but you can drink it

We’ve got 28 beautiful wooden Sedgwick’s Old Brown braai boards, each with a 750ml bottle of Sedgwick’s Old Brown Sherry, to give away!

Soak the braai board in Sedgwick’s Old Brown before braaing, in order to get the legendary flavours of Sedgwick’s in your dish. *Alcohol not for sale to persons under the age of 18.

*Competition not open to Nu Metro employees.

One lucky khuluma reader can win a two-night stay in the semi-luxury en-suite tented camp at the Johannesburg Lion Park, including a guided game drive, guided night game drive with lion feeding, lion cub interaction, and cheetah interaction.

The Lion Park has a wealth of exciting activities for the whole family, ensuring visitors have an unforgettable experience.

To enter, go to www.khulumaonline.co.za and hit the competitions tab. Competitions are open to all South African residents over the age of 18, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/kulula.com/Comair Limited and close on 30 April 2015.

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The mane prize

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STUFF | COLUMN

Fool me once

W

hen the editor of this magnificent magazine asked me to write something for the April Fool’s edition, I assumed he was pranking me. I made him wait a bit, then wrote back to let him know that I had, only hours earlier, bought kulula and that he was, in fact, fired for bringing the airline into disrepute. I said he should clear out his desk at once and suggested he may want to sell his house to pay the legal fees.

Sadly, he didn’t fall for it – possibly because it was early March when we had this conversation. In retrospect, it would have been more appropriate had I made some sort of Ides of March reference.

In retro-retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t.

Paying to have someone whacked is no laughing matter, not with the rand/dollar exchange rate the way it is.

Many people have died in the pursuit of the ultimate April Fool’s Day prank – prankers and prankees alike – not to mention a fair number of innocent bystanders too. I don’t have the exact confirmed number of casualties, nor any information on who they were or how the prank happened. Okay, fine:

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I’m speculating here. I get paid to write.

Research costs extra.

Newspapers regularly run fake stories on their front pages on the first day of April. Increasingly, though, I find myself checking the date to see if they’re playing an April Fool’s joke on their readers, even though I know it’s, like, the middle of August.

Perhaps things have changed.

Perhaps, on top of April Fool’s Day, we now also have a January Jerk’s Day and a March Moron’s Day and a June Jackass Day and a November Numbskull Day and a … well, you get the picture.

Of course, there are those who spend the day walking around with faces like donor organs that have been left out in the sun for too long (not that it’s a good

idea to leave donor organs in the sun for even a miniscule period of time).

These people make it their mission to end such frivolity and tomfoolery.

Life, as they would have it, is a serious business.

It’s my guess that these shrivellipped grinches have, on more than one occasion, been severely traumatised by elaborate April Fool’s Day jokes. Their cars have been stolen; their wives have been abducted; their businesses are being investigated.

Perhaps they’ve forgotten that they’re South African. No wonder they get upset when the paramedics are trying to jumpstart their hearts and you’re hovering over them trying to explain that it was all just a prank.

I like April Fool’s Day. I really do. It shows me that people still have trust – that they are willing to believe almost anything, even after centuries of being lied to by politicians, priests, bankers and estate agents. And I’m not even counting the tsunami of porky pies that husbands and wives and bosses and workers tell one another every single day. It also makes my job that much easier.

illustration: pete woodbridge

Ben Trovato pulls the wool over your eyes … then down over your shoulders and down to your tummy. There. That’s better.

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