Khuluma34

november

2014

The M o’ Su , Mo Mo’tan stic is’sSummer, ue

DUSTY RICH

reckons if you like it, then put a ring on it

Dusty chats to

Tracy McGregor Is Tracy really a model citizen?

Zak Venter Can Sgt Pepper spice up Dusty’s wardrobe?

GOT THE MUNCHIES? FOR THE MENU

s e e pa

g es 2 & 3

PLUS Water wisdom, motorcycle magic, helicopter heroics, and how to plan the ultimate summer vacation

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Have Your Say

Whether you’ve had a great flight or feel that we could improve our service, we’d like to know. Drop us a line at khuluma@picasso.co.za.

I would really like to thank Manesh at your ORT customer desk, who went the extra mile to assist me on the 29th of August 2014 at 14h35 on MN901. I was on my way to a charity event in George and forgot my big dummy cheques on my office desk.

My assistant jumped on the train and by the time we were boarding, he brought my cheques personally to me.

You are my preferred low-cost carrier and I really appreciate your staff, who really make us feel special to come back again.

Warm Regards, Anthea Ambursley

Find Vovo Telo and win!

Join the khuluma Treasure Hunt, where five lucky readers can each win a R1 000 gift voucher!

Find the hidden Vovo Telo logo in this edition and win one of five R1 000 Vovo Telo gift vouchers – redeemable at any of their 15 nationwide stores! To enter the competition, find their logo hidden in a story in this issue, then email feedback.vovotelo@famousbrands.co.za or log on to vovotelo.com to tell them on which page you found it. Winners will be notified within the first week of December.

Competition is open to all South African residents over the age of 18, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/ kulula.com/Comair Limited, and closes on 30 November 2014.

View from the Top

WE OFTEN HAVE an inclination to select things on completely the wrong criteria, like a pufferfish aficionado critiquing the wallpaper in a new sushi restaurant. Similarly, the motoring media has elevated the Nürburgring to be the ultimate measure of whether a car is any good or should be relegated to dragging a plow through a rice paddy.

Now the Nürburgring is not to be found in Middle Earth, but close by, in Middle Germany. Seriously fast cars can get around the 22km Nordschleife section, with its 160 corners, in about eight minutes, and, thanks to the media hype, many potentially perfectly good cars have been engineered simply to achieve a good lap time around the ring, or else bear the wrath of the motoring journalists.

But this is rather like wearing a wetsuit while watching television, because it has been designed to be really good at keeping you warm if you fall off a yacht near the Outer Hebrides (unless you just like wearing rubber at home). In the real world, we have potholes and traffic lights and all the other stuff that bears no relevance to going 200km/h around a race track. So the rock-hard suspension, low-profile tyres and double-clutch gearbox that will get you around the Nürburgring in a jiffy will only give you a miserable drive to your chiropractor and perhaps leave your underwear spread on a speed bump.

You clearly considered your selection priorities when you booked kulula and boarded our aluminium tube to hurtle you along at nearly 1 000km/h, 10km above the earth. And I don’t mean that you chose to wear your wetsuit. But if you like buying things based on irrelevant criteria, then try this technique when buying a toaster or microwave oven or washing machine: ask for the one that can get around the Nürburgring in under eight minutes.

September’s winners!

Into the Storm: Malcolm Caine, Neil Syrett, Susan Rosendorff, Jillian Smith, Robb Anderson If I Stay: Neil Syrett, Jill McDonald, Previn Vedan, Siven Pillay, Saaleha Khatib Reader Survey: Runner-up: Jean Reed; First prize: Bronwyn Strydom

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Erik Venter, CEO: Comair Ltd

NOVEMBER 2014

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Contents November 2014 regulars

1 VIEW FROM THE TOP Our CEO’s hilarious letter, your thoughts and our Treasure Hunt competition 13 ÜBER-EDITOR’S LETTER Dusty Rich tries to fit himself (and his mo) into a magazine

14 KULULA PAGES Check in using the power of the interwebs, Trev arts-and-farts about in the Cape, and kulula says ‘Bonjour!’

guide

21 WESTERN CAPE What to do, where to eat, where to sleep and how to dress in and around the Mother City 27 GAUTENG Get busy, chow down, shop till you drop, then sleep it off in Gauteng

33 KWAZULU-NATAL What’s happening in the warmest place in Mzansi?

38 GARDEN ROUTE Food, fashion and natural wonder along our glorious Garden Route

43 TOP TIPPLE Wet your whiskers with these creamy delights 45 WATCH Four new releases – four outrageous movie merchandise hampers

47 READ The latest from the land of literary larks

49 LISTEN Three new CD releases, one sweet transvestite and the hypnotic Jon Hopkins

61 GAMES Thumb-twiddling, eye-twitching gaming goodness 65 TECH

The

Latest technological innovations in moustache control

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Contents November 2014 chat

68 MODEL Dusty gets the lowdown on how to impress a girl like Tracy McGregor

74 FASHION Dusty talks bear wrestling and garments for guys with Zak Venter

82 LOCAL HERO Making sure that every drop of South Africa’s water counts

travel

88 HOLIDAY PLANNING The end-of-year vacation is around the corner. Are you ready?

96 MOVEMBER We track the humble upper-lip ferret around the globe

102 ADVENTURE BIKING Got two wheels, an engine and a taste for the unknown?

action

108 ASSAULT TRAINING Our journo gives heliborne assault training a shot – and lives to tell the tale 114 DRIVE Home on the range with the Range Rover Sport, plus the five most powerful cars available in SA

stuff

119 PROPERTY How to keep cool this summer, plus five underfoot alternatives to wood 125 MONEY MATTERS How to make the sun shine on your business

COMPETITION

10 x R100 meal vouchers up for grabs To enter, like us on Facebook and let us know your favourite Sausage Saloon and sauce combination

127 HEALTH

15 October – 30 November 2014

Healthy hints for summer

128 COLUMN Of whiskers and wise men

OCTOBER 2014

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EDITOR Anthony Sharpe anthonys@picasso.co.za

-WIN-

Ten khuluma readers stand the chance to win a fabulous Amarula leather handbag, valued at R1 000, and a 750ml bottle of Amarula Cream, valued at R100.

To enter, go to www.khulumaonline.co.za, and click on the competitions tab.

This give-away is open to South African residents over the age of 18, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/kulula. com/Comair Limited and Distell, and closes on 30 November 2014.

25th Birthday Amarula Cream is celebrating its 25th birthday by giving away gifts to say thank you to South Africans for making it the country's best-loved cream liqueur. The African Original’s

CONTENT MANAGER Raina Julies CONTENT COORDINATOR Vanessa Payne COPY EDITOR Joy Capon PROOFREADER Lynn Berggren COVER PHOTOGRAPH Kristina Stojiljkovic MAKE-UP ARTIST Colleen van Rensburg HEAD OF DESIGN STUDIO Jayne Macé-Ferguson DESIGNERS Mfundo Ndzo, Leo Abrahams INTERNS Zanele Balfour (design), Roxanne Jones (editorial), Christian Schroeder (social media/editorial) PRODUCTION EDITOR Shamiela Brenner PROJECT MANAGER Richard White SALES CONSULTANTS Stephen Crawford, Bonnie Eksteen, Randall Grace, Eugene Howard, Steve Norval, Marc Plastow, Andre Potgieter, Alec Rompelman, Roman Ross, Clint Smith, Zelda Stein BUSINESS MANAGER Robin Carpenter-Frank robinc@picasso.co.za FINANCIAL ACCOUNTANT Lodewyk van der Walt To advertise in this magazine please contact Richard White (Project Manager) on 021 469 2500 or richardw@picasso.co.za

three-month-long birthday party, runs from October to December.

Visit www.amarula.co.za for more information.

Launched as a cream liqueur in 1989, its name has become virtually synonymous with South Africa.

Amarula Cream sells in over 100 countries and is one of South Africa’s most successful exports.

Go to www.amarula.co.za to view the full terms and conditions associated with this give-away.

Credits 34.indd 9

SENIOR GM: NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES Mike Tissong ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER Jocelyne Bayer

kulula.com

CEO COMAIR LIMITED Erik Venter MARKETING MANAGER, kulula.com Shaun Pozyn SENIOR BRAND MANAGER, kulula.com Bridgette Ramuluvhana BRAND MANAGER, kulula.com Thembeka Mabaso COMAIR LIMITED 1 Marignane Drive, Bonaero Park, Kempton Park, 1619 Tel 011 921 0111 kulula.com contact centre 0861 KULULA (585852) PRINTING

Copyright: No portion of this magazine may be reproduced in any form without written consent of the publishers. The publishers are not responsible for unsolicited material. khuluma is published monthly by Picasso Headline Reg: 59/01754/07. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Picasso Headline, kulula or Times Media. All advertisements/advertorials and promotions have been paid for and therefore do not carry any endorsement by the publishers. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, neither kulula, nor the publisher can be held responsible for any omissions or errors, or for any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom. We reserve the right to edit interviews for layout purposes.

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ÜBER-EDITOR OF THE MONTH

Über-ed’s letter Dusty Rich

Mo’ tache, mo’ good times

picture: Kristina Stojiljkovic

HELLO PASSENGERS, SHOULDER-to-shoulder in this aluminium tube of transport bliss, all heading in the same direction to the same destination (hopefully the warm embrace of a sexy beach).

I am the dysfunctionally functional Dusty Rich – a comedian, energy manipulator and a thin veneer of a human being wrapped around a ball of chaos. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Right now, even if it’s weird, lean over to the passenger on either side of you: introduce yourself and remark, ‘how amazing is the moustache on this guy?’ They will appreciate your honesty and become your lifelong friends and one day, when they save you from falling down a cliff by grabbing your hand as you’re about to plummet, think about this moment and my moustache. It’s a pleasure.

I am the November guest editor of this glossy little gem of a sky magazine.

It’s summer again and the inland masses will flock towards our ocean-bordered beautiful country to forget how the sun works and end up nursing third-degree stupidity. Remember to use sunscreen.

It’s also the month of Movember, a cause of which I am a proud ambassador, given the choice between dunking a cute bucket of water over my head or growing a manly face curtain to delight and tickle all the lovely ladies on the beach. Join up at movember.com to show off your mo.

It being such a manly month, I decided to interview a lady exuding femininity so ferociously that it’s hard even to look directly at her. Take that how you need to, but talking to Tracy McGregor was easy.

Men! You can’t be rocking a Speedo the entire summer, so get yourself into the most masculine clothing brand this side of the forest: Sgt Pepper – clothing woven from the moustache and beard hair of Viking gods. I met up with owner, creator and designer Zak Venter to find out if he was raised with wolves by a motorcycle gang of lumberjacks.

If you’re a frequent flyer, you’ll also notice that this cover is the very first outdoor shoot for khuluma. Unfortunately, my character doesn’t fit into a conventional space.

So enjoy the read, the flight and your lives. Marvel at the miracle of flight, and embrace your uniqueness and the miracle that is you. I’m going to ride my unicorn back to my planet. Damn, this coffee is strong. ■

Who will be our next ed?

South Africa’s a funny place. It’s got lots of funny people. Some are damn hilarious. Every month, khuluma chooses a particularly amusing individual to be our über-editor. This funny man or woman then interrogates prominent South Africans for us.

So book your flight for next month or head over to www.khulumaonline.co.za to see who it’ll be.

kulula.com

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Dusty’s creds

Dusty Rich was winner of the Graça Comedy Showdown 2012 and performed at the international Nando’s Comedy Fest Durban 2012. He went on to open for Trevor Noah’s next three sold-out national tours and is currently on tour with NationWILD. He performs regularly around the country and is based in Joburg, calling Parker’s Comedy and Jive his homeground. For more information, check out www.dustyrich.com or see all of his social networks using @DustyRich (the name was available).

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Flying 101:

save some time – go DIY ‘BUSY’ IS THE new ‘fine’ in today’s world. Let’s be honest, there is no bigger time-waster than standing in a queue – unless you’re one of those really sociable types who will know the whole life story of the person standing behind you by the time you get to the front of the line. But there are far better places to make friends, so why would you waste your valuable time at the check-in counter when you could use one of our self-service options instead?

But it’s not just about avoiding long queues; there are a few other perks of using the self-service check-in options.

You can go online to check in, manage your booking, add a service, book extras and print your boarding pass – all while sitting in the comfort of your home, office, favourite coffee shop, gym, beauty parlour, hairdresser or shopping centre. In fact, you can check in online wherever you are.

Sometimes 20kg for luggage is just not enough. If you know ahead of time that you’ll need additional baggage, buy this online instead of at the airport, and save some money.

By checking in online, you may even be able to arrive at the airport slightly later, because with your boarding pass

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already in hand, you can just drop off your bags in the fast bag drop line.

Remember to bring along your ID, driver’s licence or passport to present when boarding.

You can also check in via your cellphone at kulula.mobi, and print your boarding pass at the self-service kiosk.

Then once you’ve dropped your bags at the bag drop, go and enjoy the free time you’ve just saved – grab a coffee or a cold one before your flight.

Alternatively, check in at the supereasy self-service kiosks at all major airports before you board your flight, and select your preferred seat as close to (or as far from) your travelling companion as you’d like. To get your boarding pass printed, all you have to do is type in your flight reference number or ID number, and Bob’s your uncle. But don’t worry

if you get stuck, our friendly airport staff are on hand to help you out. Keep in mind that online and mobi check-in close two hours before your flight. kulula is always looking for ways to make your travel experience easy and fun. So next time you fly with us, skip those long lines and give our selfservice options a try.

kulula.com

2014/10/22 2:05 PM

spread your wings and fly away

Trev’s Hot Spots

pictures: supplied

best in the west THE OTHER DAY I remembered that a cousin of mine was a legend at fingerpainting. So I thought, heck, maybe it’s in the blood. I started taking art classes and despite becoming colour-blind, when the foxy teacher is around, I’m quite good. My latest piece, an etching of my neighbour’s hot wheels, was described by Miss Foxy as ‘a passable attempt at giving a realistic representation of a giraffe’. Also, when she got an eyeful of my mixed-media self-portrait (paper maché and crayon on carton), she simply said, ‘Wow.’ Next I plan on wowing her with my landscape painting capabilities. And what better place to start practising than in scenic Cape Town?

As luck would have it, kulula’s latest holiday package deal will take me there for cheap-cheap. From only R3 829 per person sharing, I can jet off for a threenight stay at The Westin Cape Town.

This five-star hotel offers floor-to-ceiling panoramic views of the Mother City’s famous Table Mountain, the cityscape, harbour and ocean. Just the inspiration I need for my next masterpiece.

No one wants to get square eyes from staring at a canvas too long, so I like taking regular breaks when I’m making art. The Westin Cape Town is really close to the city’s top touristy places, so it’ll be really easy for me to step out for a bit of sightseeing.

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The hotel offers a complimentary shuttle service to the V&A Waterfront, where the shops and restaurants are just like those fancy overseas places. I could cruise around the harbour on a boat tour and hang out with the fish at the Two Oceans Aquarium. Artists are always so cultured, so I think I’m also going to visit one or so of the city’s art galleries and museums. All that culture is going to make a man thirsty, but luckily Cape Town has no shortage of watering holes, such as the vibey bars on Long Street.

The Westin Cape Town itself offers so much to do that I might not even go out that much. They have a few restaurants and bars, and on the top floor of the hotel you can find their Heavenly Spa. Besides the three nights at the Westin Cape Town, the deal also includes return economy-class flights from Jo’burg or Lanseria to Cape Town and three days’ car rental (Group T), including 200km free per day. Nice.

The deal is valid from 7 December 2014 to 31 January 2015 (except from 24 December to 1 January). Standard kulula legal stuff applies. The prices are correct at the time of publication and are from a starting price per person sharing.

Well, it’s time to sharpen my colouring pencils. Maybe check you okes in CT? Check you next time, Trev ‘Da Vinci’

We believe you can fly! Discovery Vitality gives you up to 35% off kulula.com flights when you improve your Vitality status.

It’s not rocket science, it’s kulula.com and Vitality – the partnership that great things are made of.

See that fine specimen with the unusual glow? She’s with us. Not only did she hop on board for 35% less, but she’s also getting up to 25% cash back on HealthyFood, personal-care items and fitness gear at our HealthyLiving partners. Vitality members also save on accommodation, car hire, gym memberships, fitness devices and more.

Not a Vitality member? Visit www.discovery.co.za or SMS ‘Fly’ to 48030 to join.

Discovery Vitality (Pty) Ltd is an authorised financial services provider.

Registration number 1999/007736/07.

Terms and conditions apply.

Got some eBucks? Pay or part-pay for your next kulula flight using your eBucks.

Choose your favourite Tsogo Sun hotel and let kulula book your room. Now that’s luxury you can afford.

Rent a car with your flight and get a 10% discount, or get the best rates with Europcar.

Protea Hotels: ensure your stay with them is as unique as the kulula experience. Try out any one of the hotels – you won’t forget the experience.

twitter.com/kulula facebook.com/iflykulula

THE NOTICEBOARD flight and bag insurance for peace of mind Our flight and bag insurance product (underwritten by ACE Insurance Limited) is available ‘at a click’ when you book your flight on kulula.com. We highly recommend that you don’t leave home without it, as it covers all of the travel essentials you need on your day of travel, for only R30 per flight.

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love is in the air Air France and kulula join forces

KULULA.COM HAS JOINED forces with one of the world’s most iconic airlines, Air France, and soon you will be hearing the language of love spoken on board your flight. No, you won’t be able to spot a green kulula plane flying over the Eiffel Tower, but you will be meeting more French travellers on board your kulula flight. This codeshare agreement allows Air France to promote our beautiful country by selling kulula destinations on Air France tickets.

Air France will add its AF code to kulula.com’s domestic route network, allowing customers to seamlessly connect to and from Cape Town, Durban, George and East London, and enjoy the benefits of buying a single Air France ticket with the convenience of onestop check-in and baggage transfer.

There’s also been some tête-a-tête (talk) between Air France and kulula.com to possibly include the Flying Blue Frequent Flyer Programme, so members of the programme can accrue and redeem miles on the codeshare flights.

Bookings will open for sale at a later date, as soon as we get the South African Department of Transport’s regulatory approval to bring more romance to local skies.

So with more French guys and gals coming on board our kulula flights, be sure to brush up on your French and greet them with ‘bonjour’or ‘salut’ to make them feel right at home.

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N

ovember is the month of gratitude and to show you how thankful we are, we have a selection of places to stay at amazing rates.

Stay in the World Design Capital and the top travel destination for 2014 in a serviced selfcatering apartment.

Our guests have the luxury of space, the facilities to self-cater and the convenience of access to the best restaurants, shops and attractions in Cape Town.

OUR SERVICES Take advantage of our warm hospitality. We offer modern urban accommodation including housekeeping and front desk services as well as airport transfers and tours.

We provide airport transfers between Cape Town International and all our self-catering properties. Book your stay at Harbour Bridge Luxury Apartments and receive a complimentary transfer from the airport to your apartment.

YOUR

HOLIDAY AWAITS www.homefromhome.co.za

LUXURY SELF-CATERING APARTMENTS CAPE TOWN

RESERVATIONS | t 021 418 2821 | f 021 418 5100 | reservations@homefromhome.co.za | www.homefromhome.co.za

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WESTERN CAPE | GUIDE

WHAT’S ON WESTERN CAPE MOVEMBER MIRTH 5-23 November

Live comedy Starring Tim Plewman, The Last Moustache, on at the Baxter Golden Arrow Studio, is an explosively funny comedy that transports the audience back to 1945. Tickets are R120, from www.computicket. com. For more information, visit www.baxter.co.za.

Please note: I moustache you a question: ‘Are you celebrating Movember?’

AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER 15-16 November

29 November – 14 December

Film festival The 11th edition of the Wavescape Surf Film Festival, presented by Pick n Pay, kicks off in Cape Town during November and runs until Sunday 14 December. Ocean lovers, film enthusiasts, foodies and conservationists will be spoiled with a host of events that centre on educating, entertaining and inspiring all age groups. For more info, check out wavescapefestival.com.

Please note: How do surfers greet one another? They wave!

SAY WHAT?

1 December – 10 January

R’S ITOICE D E O CH

Food and wine festival Head on over to the Lourensford Wine Estate for A Food and Wine Affair. Kids can enjoy jumping castles, trampolines and inflatable animals, while adults sip and sample some of the finest wine and foods. Tickets are R80, inclusive of a complimentary glass, from www.computicket.com. Children under 18 enter free. For more info, visit www.dnaevents.co.za.

Please note: A man who was offered grapes instead of wine said: ‘I don’t like taking my wine in pills.’

FOODIE LOODIES 16 November

Culinary awards The 2014 Eat Out Mercedes-Benz Restaurant Awards, taking place at Thunder City, will be a spectacular evening of tantalising food, top wines and good company. Expect to rub shoulders with some of Cape Town’s finest foodies. Tickets are R1 850, from www.webtickets.co.za. For info, go to www.eatout.co.za or mail julie@newmediaevents.co.za.

Please note: On Halloween, ghosts eat ghoulash.

Comedy show Director and comedian Rob van Vuuren brings the 2013 Standard Bank awardwinning comedy What What to the Baxter Golden Arrow Studio. This comic genius takes his audience on a personal journey that explores the hidden South African lexicon.

For more info, contact 082 855 7277 or christinems@telkomsa.net.

Please note: Backward poets write inverse.

BLUE MOON 6-7 December

Music festival Get your blue suede shoes ready for The Table Mountain Blues Summit 2014, on at Hillcrest Quarry in Durbanville. Alongside 20 of the country’s top bands, you can also look forward to amazing prize giveaways and delicious food. Tickets are R200-R340, with an additional camping cost of R150, from www.computicket.com. For more info, visit www.bluefest.co.za.

Please note: How many bluesmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to change the bulb and the other to sing a song about missing the bulb.

text: roxanne jones; images: supplied

HOPPING MAD 28-30 November

Beer festival The Cape Town Festival of Beer is back! Taking place at Hamilton’s Rugby Club, it will once again see more than 200 beers on show, live bands, beer tours, craft-beer brewing demonstrations, and so much more. Tickets are R150 for a day pass, from www.webtickets.co.za. For more info go to capetownfestivalofbeer.co.za.

Please note: Don’t miss out; you’re sure to have an ale of a time.

kulula.com

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WATCH THE BIG ONE

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GUIDE | WESTERN CAPE

EAT WESTERN CAPE Star Fish

Want to switch to sustainable seafood?

Star Fish makes it easy. Daisy Jones’s delicious new cookbook uses only SASSI’s green list species. Below is Daisy’s very delicious recipe for creamy mussels that would certainly make a terrible mess of a moustache. Serves three moustache-free people.

800G SALDANHA MUSSELS 1-2 spring onions, finely chopped 2 garlic cloves, crushed 1 Tbsp butter 1 small handful chives, finely chopped A few sprigs of thyme 2 Tbsp dry white wine 2-3 Tbsp cream • Clean mussels.

• Melt butter in a sturdy pan with a lid.

• Add the garlic and spring onion. Fry over low heat until onion has softened;

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Simon van der Stel, the 17th Century governor of the Cape of Good Hope after whom this restaurant is named, had a very fine moustache. Simon’s is situated inside a large converted wine cellar idyllically nestled in the vineyards of Groot Constantia. The food is pleasant French bistro fare, there are craft beers on tap and the epic views are such that

Bistro 1682

The restaurant’s name refers to the year in which the Steenberg Estate was established, but there is nothing oldfashioned about the food. A chalkboard ‘small plates menu’ offers the kind of reasonably priced tapas-sized portions that are easy to slip past a moustache.

Especially moustache-friendly are the patatas bravas and the beef tataki.

Tokai Rd, Cape Town, 021 713 2211, www.steenbergfarm.com/bistro1682

1) Anyone with hair needs a ghd – it’s just one of those facts of life. Inject some style into your beauty tools with the sleek ghd Eclipse. Whether you want a straight and slick do or you’re after gorgeous, natural-looking curls, the ghd Eclipse will be able to fulfil your every hair desire. R2 899, available on Everythinghair.co.za.

2) You’re sure to head to the beach for days of swimming, surfing and sunbathing. Stand out in a sea of brightly coloured tropical prints with a striking monochrome swimsuit from Seafolly.

R1 580, also available on Spree.co.za.

3) The South Easter makes sundresses a bit risky in Cape Town during summer.

To be safe, switch the skirts for a comfortable top paired with cute shorts, such as this black-and-white polkadot number from Trenery. R699, also available in select Woolworths stores.

4) Summer is also wedding season, so you’re probably preparing for many a weekend on a wine farm somewhere, enjoying the view over a nice open bar.

Dress things up a bit with a dapper black-and-white printed bow tie from Bow Peep. R300, available on Helloman.co.za.

text: anna trapido, lize hartley; pictures: supplied

3

4

Simon’s

no one will notice food in your ’stache.

Groot Constantia, Groot Constantia Rd, Cape Town, 021 794 1143, www.simons.co.za.

DRESS WESTERN CAPE

1

2

then add the mussels and herbs.

• Turn up heat to medium. Put lid on pot and steam mussels for 3 minutes.

• Remove all open mussels. Give the closed ones another minute.

• Add the cream, wine and mussels back to the pot. When the sauce is bubbling, remove from heat and serve with hunks of crusty bread.

Star Fish, by Daisy Jones, Quivertree Publications, R450

kulula.com

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WESTERN CAPE | GUIDE

SLEEP WESTERN CAPE PULL INN Anthony Sharpe tests his voice at the Park Inn Newlands.

pictures: supplied

IT WAS OUR finest Currie Cup season in ages. Western Province finished top of the log after a blistering season, with only two losses, and a healthy points differential to boot. And I hadn’t watched a single game. All that was about to change, however, as I strolled out of the peaceful foyer of the Park Inn by Radisson Cape Town Newlands, located on the banks of the Liesbeek River, and into the stream of blue-andwhite-clad supporters on their way to the rugby ground – not even five minutes away – to watch our boys take on those Pretoria brutes.

Province vs Bulls. At Newlands.

I could smell the anticipation in the air, or perhaps that was the smell of the greasy onions adorning the hotdog that materialised in my hands on our way to the stands. Eighty bruising minutes later and we were through to the final. I’d shouted myself hoarse and made mortal enemies of a pair of Cro-Magnon supporters of the losing side.

Soon we were ensconced back in the hotel room, sipping tea and watching the highlights on the flat-screen TV, before venturing downstairs to the bar for a Forrester’s Milk & Honey, which I sipped outside while dangling my toes in the hotel pool.

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With the hotdog a distant memory, I was famished. The hotel’s restaurant is as no-frills as the hotel itself, with a bright, simple and modern aesthetic, and a menu that offers decent burgers and (much fancier) hotdogs, salads, steaks and the chef’s specials.

I started with a flaming-hot chorizo and calamari salad. Then, feeling brave, I tackled the 1kg T-bone steak, served with sautéed mushrooms, a mushroom brandy sauce and garlic fries – a suitably manly meal to follow the afternoon’s exploits, although I would recommend that if you like your steak anything approaching rare, you should order it still bleating.

I bid my guest farewell and retreated to my room, lit by the glow of the hotel’s signature ‘mood lighting’, which runs around the headboard. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out how to switch the darn thing off, and so spent the night sleeping in my very own redlight district.

The hotel is geared towards business travellers, so the rooms are small and simple, with firm beds and minimal fuss. Interestingly, as the Deaf Association of South Africa is the majority shareholder, 30% of the staff are deaf or hearing-impaired. When you check in, you’re given a card with basic sign greetings on it. Which was just as well, really – I think my voice is still lying under a seat at the stadium somewhere.

10 Hemlock Street, Newlands, 021 822 6500, parkinn.com/hotelcapetown-newlands

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GAUTENG | GUIDE

WHAT’S ON GAUTENG JUST DO IT! 2 November

R’S ITOICE D E O CH

Marathon Get your running shoes on and start training for the Nike Soweto Marathon. Around 21 000 runners will tackle the iconic streets of Soweto in routes of 10km, 21.1km and 42.2km, starting from the Nasrec Expo Centre. Entrance fees: R100 for the 10km, R130 for the 21.1km and R170 for the 42.2km. For more info, contact info@sowetomarathon.com or visit www.sowetomarathon.com.

Please note: Adam was the fastest runner of all time – he came first in the human race.

PICTURE PERFECT

8-30 November

Photography exhibition Mary Fitzgerald Square is one of many venues to host Joburg’s first-ever photography festival, The Joburg Photo Umbrella. The centrepiece of this event is an exhibition showcasing the works of photography gurus Thabiso Sekgala and Kalpesh Lathigra.

The Joburg Photo Umbrella is providing a platform for 10 photography projects. For more info, contact info@joburgphotoumbrella.co.za.

Please note: ‘Forgetting to load the camera just makes it a test session.’

– Catherine Jo Morgan

WHISKING AWAY

text: roxanne jones; images: supplied

12-14 November

Whisky expo The FNB Whisky Live Festival, being held at the Sandton Convention Centre, brings you the man behind the legendary Three Ships whisky range – Andy Watts. Andy will share the journey of these whiskies and how they have come to be at top of their game. Get ready to taste the Three Ships Premium Select 5 Year Old, Three Ships Bourbon Cask Finish and others. Tickets start at R195 and include a glass, 15 sampling vouchers, a 2015 SA Whiskey Handbook and a bottle of Valpré sparkling water. For more info, visit www.whiskylivefestival.co.za or follow @whiskeyliveSA. Please note: ‘I’d much rather be someone’s shot of whisky than everyone’s cup of tea.’ – Carrie Bradshaw

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OH, THE HORROR

15 November – 1 February 2015

Musical Richard O’Brien’s iconic smashhit musical The Rocky Horror Show returns to Montecasino this month. A live band accompanies the cast every night as they belt out classics like Science Fiction/Double Feature, Dammit, Janet!, Sweet Transvestite and The Time Warp. Can you handle the anticip…ation? Tickets are R100 to R375, available from www. computicket.com. Check out our interview with Dr Frank-N-Furter himself on Page 47.

Please note: Transylvanian tourism officials claim vampire stories are the lifeblood of their industry.

GIDDY UP! 29 November

Horse racing Jo’burg’s premier equestrian and fashion affair, the SANSUI Summer Cup 2014, takes place at Turffontein Racecourse. Race day will be packed with 12 exhilarating races. It’s a Rush Celebrity Dash for charity and ‘Hats Off’ fashion in celebration of the city. You could also win one of 10 cars.

Tickets are R75 to R2 795, available from www.computicket.com. Visit sansuisummercup.co.za for info.

Please note: What disease do horses fear most? Hay fever!

CHAOS THEORY 29 November, Joburg; 3 December, Cape Town

Rock concert The super group Kings of Chaos is returning to South Africa, ready to rock the Sun City Superbowl and Cape Town’s Grand Arena. Expect a line-up of legendary rockers alongside special guest Steven Tyler. Tickets are R494 to R1 495 for the Sun City show and R950 to R1 495 for Cape Town, available from www.computicket.com.

Please note: What’s a rocker’s favourite kind of fish? Bass!

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Johannesburg’s Alternative Airport Lanseria International Airport is Gauteng’s only privately owned international Airport. Commercial airlines, charter companies, and many other service providers, call it home.

It’s conveniently positioned north of Johannesburg, close to the business hub Sandton, as well as Pretoria, Midrand, Krugersdorp and surrounds.

World class airport facilities: • • • • • • •

Spacious airport building servicing Domestic and International flights Self service check in kiosks Ample parking and Fast Drop ‘n Go Facilities Quick baggage collection Daily domestic flights on offer between Johannesburg and Cape Town, and Johannesburg and Durban One-of-a-kind open air viewing deck that overlooks the runway Close proximity to hotels and B&B’s and many tourist attractions

world class facilities on offer, shouldn’t you be considering Lanseria International Airport?

With all these

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GAUTENG | GUIDE

EAT GAUTENG

2015 Diners Club Rossouw’s South African Restaurant Guide

Whiskers are wonderful, but they can interfere with eating, and choosing a restaurant with a moustache in mind can be tricky. Fortunately, the brand-new 2015 Diners Club Rossouw’s South African Restaurant Guide can help even the most difficult of diners find a hot spot to suit any palate, wallet and... moustache.

Editor Anna Trapido says, ‘Whether it be pesto or passata, sauced moustache is never a good look. So, consult the guide before making a restaurant reservation.

Even those without a moustache will find 2015 Diners Club Rossouw’s South African Restaurant Guide essential reading.’

Dumpling Shop

The good news is that chopsticks are ideal tools with which to guide food past moustaches. This tiny Chinatown dumpling shop makes and sells classic

Cantonese steamed and fried wheat dumplings with a variety of delicious fillings. The bad news is that the shop is so narrow that those with handlebar moustaches may need to turn sideways to get in and out of the front door.

Shop 13a, Derrick Ave, Cyrildene, no telephone, no email, no web presence

Ottoman Palace

housing the mosque also has shops, a clinic and a Turkish restaurant. The food is authentic Turkish and strictly halaal.

There are fantastic flatbreads, tender urfa kebabs and luscious lamb baked in a clay pot. Try to save space for the dessert selection, including rosewater rice pudding sutlac, syrup-soaked walnut kadayif and cheese-laden künefe. All the chefs are Turkish and every one of them has a very fine moustache.

Nizamiye Turkish Masjid, cnr K101 and Le Roux Ave, Midrand, 079 422 8168, ottomanpalace_jhb@hotmail.com

The Nizamiye Turkish Masjid in Midrand is the only ottoman-style mosque in the southern hemisphere. The complex

DRESS GAUTENG

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1) While sweat pants should never be worn in public, they are often muchneeded for those Saturdays when the most active you’ll be is walking from the couch to the fridge. For days like that, there’s Anna Louise sleepwear’s chill pants. Full-length, elastic waistband, draw-string tie – these are basically made for ordering in. R200, available at Anna-Louise.co.za.

2) Apart from black and white, another statement that will never go out of fashion is animal print. Combine the two with striking zebra print, but instead of opting for a printed scarf, go for something more unexpected in the form of animal print footwear. Whether you love a chic loafer or you’re more into sports luxe right now, Mimco should

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satisfy your shopping needs with these printed beauties. R799 (loafers) and R1 299 (sneakers), also available in select Woolworths stores.

3) Playsuits are a great way to keep things fun and laid-back. You can wear this dotty one-piece with flats by day or with strappy heels by night and you’ll stay cool, comfortable and chic all day long.

R450, Fortune, also available at Spree. co.za.

4) Keep your make-up simple and striking with a dramatic feline flick in jet black.

Combined with a generous amount of mascara and sun-kissed skin, this makes for the perfect party look this summer.

Opt for the Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Eye Liner in Intense Black. R225, available at Rubybox.co.za.

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GAUTENG | GUIDE

SLEEP GAUTENG TAKEOFFS AND LANDINGS Iga Motylska reignites her travel bug at the O.R. Tambo InterContinental.

pictures: supplied

IF YOU APPRECIATE sleep, have booked an early morning flight with kulula. com, or want to miss Joburg’s morning madness, you should consider a stay at the InterContinental Hotel at O.R. Tambo International Airport.

It’s located less than 100m from the local departures terminal, so there’s no need to rush and flight details are available in each room and the lounges for peace of mind. But trust me, you won’t want to leave in a hurry.

The five-star hotel is all about earthy tones and African accents. Its character is written into the wall of whitewashed African masks, the totem-like arrangement of ostrich eggs, the Zulu beer pots and the smiles of its staff. It’s outfitted with everything you’d expect, and more – a 24-hour business centre, free Wi-Fi and immaculate customer service. I wanted for nothing in my executive room, which came with all the trimmings, including an iPod dock, DStv, a DVD library that impressed even a film snob like me and delicious fudge triangles.

Speaking of delicious, Quills Restaurant is named after the 18m-long porcupine quill mobile that twirls above the entire length of the restaurant and bar. The terrace is a great place to have

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a bite and watch metal birds take to the sky – but don’t worry, you’ll be oblivious to takeoffs and landings once you’re inside as the hotel is soundproof.

Newly appointed executive chef Trevor Boyd and his culinary team have designed a seasonal à la carte dinner menu that boasts South African and international cuisine, as well as low-fat options. Trevor has represented South Africa twice at the International Culinary Olympics and brought home gold, so you know you’re in good hands!

Be adventurous – share your preferences and they’ll design a personalised three-course dinner for you that’s expertly paired with two wines from their selection of 94. Despite being miles from the ocean, this was the best salmon fillet I’ve tried in a long time and I’m always impressed with edible flowers in my salad. Also, try their ice creams and frozen yogurt.

After all that indulgence, though, you’ll be pleased to know that the gym overlooks the runway – in case you were looking for some added motivation to hit the treadmill. I enjoyed the steam room before taking a dip in the heated, indoor infinity pool, which adjoins Camelot Spa, where you can spoil yourself with a universal signature massage before stretching out on a deckchair overlooking the water.

Perhaps it was the Chenin Blanc, all those aeroplanes or the prospect of another adventure, but I’m already planning my next trip.

O.R. Tambo International Airport, 011 961 540, www.tsogosunhotels. com/intercontinental.

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

WHAT’S ON KZN

THE LEGENDARY JOHN 21 November

SERENADING THE FLOWERS 9 November

Music concert On at the Durban Botanic Gardens, the Old Mutual Music at the Lake Series features a proudly South African concert starring Johnny Clegg and Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Proceeds from the performances go towards an innovative people and plant development programme.

Tickets are R50-R200, from www.webtickets.co.za. For more info, contact 031 309 1170, dbginfo@durban.gov.za or visit www.durbanbotanicgardens.org.za.

Please note: Winter is difficult on trees, but in spring they are re-leafed.

RETRO CHIC

14 November – 11 January

R’S ITOICE D E O CH

Music show Get ready to party ‘80s-style at The Barnyard Theatre’s 80s Rewind Show. Go back in time to the fashion, dancing and, of course, iconic songs of the 1980s. Tickets are R110 for Sunday, R120 for Tuesday and R155 for Wednesday to Saturday. For more info, contact 031 566 3045, gateway@ barnyardtheatre.co.za or visit www.barnyardtheatres.co.za.

Please note: You know you were born in the ‘80s if ‘partying like it’s 1999’ sounded super-futuristic.

PERFECTLY TAILORED text: roxanne jones; images: supplied

1 November

Comedy show Straight from his international performances, Stuart Taylor stages his ninth standalone show, Bespoke, at Port Elizabeth’s Boardwalk Amphitheatre. Presented in his trademark conversational style, the show is bound to give your stomach muscles a great workout.

Tickets are R85, from www.computicket.com.

Please note: Comedians make great friends because they’re such stand-up guys.

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Music concert The An evening with John Legend: All of Me Tour has sold out in over 60 cities, and now this legendary singer-songwriter is coming to the Moses Mabhida Stadium in Durban. Fans can expect to hear his smash single ‘All of Me’, along with many other chart-topping hits. Tickets are R225-R1 195, from www.computicket.com.

Please note: : ‘It’s going to be legen – wait for it – and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant, because the second half of the word is dary!

– Barney Stinson.

IN A FIT OF RAGE 28 November – 6 December

Student festival #BreakFree this month as the Rage Festival celebrates its 10-year anniversary in Ballito and Umhlanga. With 17 of the hottest international EDM DJs confirmed, prepare to get your dance on. Passports are exclusively available at www.ragefestival.co.za. Follow @GGRage #BreakFree2014 on Twitter and Rage Festival on Facebook.

Please note: And I remember when Matric Rage was just a bunch of teenagers getting drunk in the Beacon Isle Hotel in Plett…

WHAT’S ON GARDEN ROUTE

BY THE BAY 28 November – 7 December

Music festival Plett Rage, on in Plettenberg Bay, is the largest student festival in the Southern Hemisphere. Expect 15 000 students jamming to some of South Africa’s top musicians, such as Pascal and Pearce and Mathew Mole, with beach sports, parties and a lot of unforgettable moments. Passes are R1 300, from sales@ plettrage.co.za. For more info, contact athony@plettrage.co.za.

Please note: Why is the sea current strong? It has mussels!

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

Circus Circus Galleria

A moustache is de rigeur for ringmasters in a circus. Circus Circus is actually not a circus at all, but rather a restaurant and coffee shop. Whether you pick a gourmet burger with chilli mayo, a pesto-laden pasta or a Kashmiri butter chicken dripping with ghee, all of the food will get stuck in your moustache, but you won’t care because it all tastes jolly nice.

Shop F20, Galleria Mall, Amanzimtoti, 031 904 1250, www.circuscircus.co.za

Hartford House

Travis Finch, the brand-new chef at Hartford House, offers a moustachefriendly recipe of choux puffs, because ‘the most cringe-worthy moment in Movember is watching a man tuck into a good helping of whipped cream and then walk around with half of that helping on his upper lip’.

Choux buns solve this problem, as they can be enjoyed in bite-sized portions.

CHOUX BUNS (profiteroles) For the choux pastry: 200ml cold water 20ml castor sugar 85g unsalted butter 115g cake flour Pinch salt 3 medium eggs, beaten For the cream filling: 600ml cream 1 vanilla pod, seeds only 50ml castor sugar • Preheat the oven to 200°C. Heat a small roasting tin in the bottom of the oven.

• For the choux pastry, place the water, sugar and butter into a large saucepan.

Heat gently until butter has melted.

text: anna trapido, lize hartley; pictures: supplied

DRESS KZN 1) Make a statement in bold blackand-white print with this sleeveless dress from Trenery. The tie around the waist keeps it casual, making this the perfect day-to-night outfit. Simply add some strappy sandals and red lips to go from beach to bar in an instant. R999, Trenery, also available from select Woolworths stores.

2) Comfort and convenience are key for summer holidays. Who wants to fuss when there is sunshine to be enjoyed?

These cotton pull-on shorts are practical, comfortable and hassle-free.

Pair them with your favourite flip flops and a printed tee, and you’re ready to go! R190, Woolworths.

3) White nail polish is a quick, affordable way to make a monochrome statement. Perfect for day and night,

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EAT KZN

this is an unexpected hue that will definitely catch the eye. Just make sure your manicure is perfectly chip-free or it will look tacky. Use a high-quality polish such as Blanc by Essie, followed by a glossy top coat. R99, available at Rubybox.co.za.

4) Local brand Missibaba has some of the most stylish bags around, not to mention their exceptionally high quality. This textured leather Nairobi sling bag comes with an adjustable strap, a beautiful printed canvas lining, and the promise that you’re investing in something you’ll continue to use for years and years.

As a bonus, you’ll also be supporting one of South Africa’s most talented local designers. R2 950, available at Missibaba.com.

• Turn up the heat and quickly pour in the flour and salt.

• Remove from heat and beat vigorously until a smooth paste is formed. Once the mixture comes away from the side of the pan, transfer to a large bowl and leave to cool.

• Place your choux pastry mix in a piping bag. Spray and cook a piece of baking paper cut to the size of your baking tray. Gently pipe thumb-size rounds of the mixture onto the baking paper.

• Remove your hot tray from the oven and place your piped choux onto the tray; put into the oven. Bake until just golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

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KWAZULU-NATAL | GUIDE

SLEEP KZN ON SHARPER SHORES Will Edgcumbe enjoys a slice of Makakatana Bay.

pictures: supplied

ISIMANGALISO WETLAND PARK is one of those staggering places that people travel from across the world to visit, and yet we have it in our backyard. Combining a marine reserve, Big Five game viewing, coastal forests, lakes, estuaries, towering dunes and some of the best bird-watching in the country, it’s a nature-lover’s dream.

Best of all, the park opened its western shores to the public in December 2013, comprising a 25 000 hectare area of rolling grassland, wetland pans and forests that were previously unexplored. The animals here are consequently somewhat more skittish as they aren’t used to vehicles. With elephant, leopard, hyena, hippo, waterbuck, kudu, giraffe and rhino around, not to mention a host of other animals, there’s plenty to see and explore, plus you don’t have to jostle with a hundred other people to get a good spot.

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Even better, the western shores only have one lodge offering accommodation.

It doesn’t get more exclusive than Makakatana Bay Lodge, a four-star, family-owned safari lodge set on the banks of Lake St Lucia. With only six luxurious rooms (including a large honeymoon suite) set deep in the bush and separated by raised wooden walkways, you’ll feel as if you’re the only person in the world, and be privy to a view that is completely your own.

Three rooms are set in the dune forest – one has a view of the lake and two have a view of the vlei and all have large, private decks with sliding doors. So, inside or outside, you really feel like you’re deep in the bush. An added bonus is that each suite has an outdoor shower, allowing you to be au naturale in nature, as it were.

The lodge offers excellent personal service, whether you’re in the dining room, out on the deck, or eating at the outdoor boma. Great food, friendly service and a chorus of animals and birds make for a wonderful dining experience, although even this is topped by a private, candlelit meal in the the Old Crab House (on request). The area used to serve as a commercial crab operation and the block house was where the crab were stored. This wonderful little building has been engulfed by a strangler fig and serves as the lodge’s wine cellar.

One of the best things about the lodge is the speciality tours they offer, including game drives, bird-watching, beach trips, visits to Mfolozi-Hluhluwe Game Reserve, as well as boat trips on the St Lucia Estuary. The lodge has sole use of a lovely stretch of the estuary, so the only life you’ll be seeing out there is the kind you’ll want to: the wild kind.

Makakatana Bay Lodge: 035 550 4189, www.makakatana.co.za.

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GUIDE | GARDEN ROUTE

EAT GARDEN ROUTE Pigs don’t have moustaches, but they do often have facial bristles.

The historic Pig and Whistle pub and restaurant has been providing hospitality to locals and travellers alike for over 180 years. The oldest continuously licensed pub in South Africa, it has superb Sunday roasts with all the trimmings, and delicious meaty pot pies.

268 Kowie Rd, Bathurst, 046 625 0673, www.pigandwhistle.co.za

Fynboshoek Cheese

Billy goats have beards – which are almost moustaches. At Fynboshoek an occasional goat will wander past to show off his beard, but mostly the

goat comes on the plates in the form of great goat’s cheese crostini and intense, mature goat’s cheese rolled in ash.

Close to Storms River (phone for directions), Garden Route, 042 280 3879

Raasoie

Let’s call a spade a bloody shovel. Good restaurants are very thin on the ground in Port Elizabeth and diners cannot afford to be choosy about whether or not the food is facial hair-friendly. This lovely North Indian restaurant serves great paneer makhani, lovely lamb rogan josh and terrific tikkas. So moustachioed men need to shave or stop caring if they have spices in their ’staches.

79 Heugh Rd, Walmer, Port Elizabeth, 041 581 0333

DRESS GARDEN ROUTE 1) Whether you’re enjoying a Pimm’s in the garden or reading a book on the beach, a wide-brimmed hat is a must for summer. Shield yourself from the sun in style with an all-black option. R399, Country Road, also available in select Woolworths stores.

2) Nothing says summer style better than a classic white shirt dress.

Comfortable, versatile and easy to wear, this is the height of effortless chic. Pair with a tan belt and leather sandals for a look that is sure to become your summer staple. R899, Witchery, also available in select Woolworths stores.

3) We’re asleep for roughly a third of our lives, so why not sleep in style? Anna

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Louise sleepwear is both comfortable and gorgeous. You won’t be ashamed to be seen in your pyjamas when you’re sipping your coffee in a chic black-andwhite printed nightshirt. R370, available online at Anna-Louise.co.za.

4) T-shirts. You’ll probably be living in them for the next few weeks. If accessorising isn’t your thing, opt for a cool printed tee and be done with it. aLovesupreme has a selection of quirky prints, and they are designed, produced and printed in Cape Town.

R250, available at Helloman.co.za.

If you are going to have lamb rogan josh in your moustache, you may as well have some coriander-and-cashew-nut chutney too.

1 juicy lime, squeezed 1 tsp white sugar 2 Tbsp water 1 teacup cashew nuts, roughly chopped 1 bunch coriander, washed and roughly chopped Salt to taste 2 green chillies (or more if you like chillies), washed and chopped ½ tsp jeera powder (aka cumin) • Blast the whole lot up in a whizzer until blended.

• Can be eaten at once or frozen.

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Pig and Whistle pub and restaurant

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GUIDE | GARDEN ROUTE

OVER THE MOON IN WILDERNESS Seth Wood finds highaltitude distraction and charming digs in Wilderness I WAS SOARING. Feet dangling above cars slowed by speed cameras along that notorious stretch of the N2 coastal highway. A few mortals were visible too – antlike dots strolling along a wide strip of golden beach stretching to infinity.

From up there, it’s obvious what attracts people to Wilderness. Wedged between mountains and ocean is a glorious mix of endless beach, thick indigenous forests, and serene inland waterways. ‘On clear days, you can see the Knysna Heads,’ piped up Jan Minaar, South Africa’s first fulltime paragliding instructor. I was happily tethered to Jan on an early-morning tandem flight. Somewhere beneath my dangling feet, I could make out the thatched-roof of Moontide, my guesthouse on the banks of the Serpentine.

We flew like that for 20-or-so minutes, riding what Jan called ‘a textbook 20kmper-hour southeasterly’. Touchdown was butter-soft, landing at Map of Africa, the same hillside from which we’d launched.

On terra firma and tucked into a lush garden, Moontide felt like the kind of barefoot-bohemian hideaway that once epitomised the Garden Route. More like a home than a hotel, the guesthouse was filled with personality, decorated with ornaments – antiques, African masks, fabrics and chic dark-wood artefacts.

Each room had a unique style, so we

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tried more than one. We spent our first night in ‘Treetops’, built on stilts amidst the trees. We ate breakfast listening to a soundtrack of birds flitting between 400-year-old milkwood trees, and then moved our bags down to ‘The Boathouse’, metres from the lagoon’s edge. Then we walked to the beach and satisfied our desire to do very little at all. We lazed about for a few hours, and then discovered Beejuice Café – a breezy, laidback kind of restaurant occupying the old Wilderness Train Station near the beach.

Back at Moontide, we loafed some more on a large wooden deck with enchanting views across the reflective waters of the meandering lagoon. When Maureen, Moontide’s owner, came to check on us, we mumbled something about dinner, so she booked us a table at the local steakhouse and promised us a night to remember. ‘I’ll tell you a secret,’ she added. ‘If you take off your shoes before entering a restaurant here, you’re considered a local.’

Oozing small town, slightly gothic charm, Joplin’s was definitely a local’s hangout. And although many locals wore shoes, the menu consisted exclusively of perfectly grilled steaks, served with egg and chips, just as Maureen had promised.

In the morning we jumped into Moontide’s little paddleboat and drifted off, occasionally dipping the oar lazily into the water. Somewhere far from shore, I laid back, stared up, and swore I could see Jan Minaar waving from the clouds…

Moontide Guest Lodge 044 877 0361, www.moontide.co.za For paragliding in Wilderness, contact Jan Minaar on 082 777 8474/044 877 1414 or visit www.cloudbase.co.za.

pictures: supplied

SLEEP GARDEN ROUTE

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Our Imbalie Beauty Guarantee • A world-class structure to provide ongoing business and specialist marketing support.

• Ongoing business and beauty training.

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Part of the Imbalie Beauty Franchise Group For more information contact Cronje Burger on 0861 11 22 22 franchise@imbaliebeauty.co.za | www.imbaliebeauty.co.za

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TOP TIPPLE | GUIDE

Crème de la crème Make it a month to Moo-vember with creams that wet your whiskers.

Ingrid Graham licks her lips at the prospect.

pictures: supplied

MOVEMBER IS AN international celebration to raise awareness of men’s health, so if you find yourself beyond our borders this Movember, you can still be a Mo-bro or Mo-sista! All you need is a little moo-tivation from delicious cream liqueurs to sprout your ‘stache.

Amarula Cream, available in over 100 countries and listed among the

decadent Sally Williams Colada: blend 50ml Sally Williams cream liqueur, 25ml white rum, 90ml pineapple juice and 30ml coconut cream with crushed ice. Serve in a tall glass with pineapple and mint garnish.

Get your just desserts with Kandi Cream Liqueurs in flavours of peaches and cream, strawberry and cream and other yummy sensations. Fun and flirty Kandi Cream Liqueurs are made with reposado (meaning it’s been rested for between two months and one year in oak barrels before bottling) tequila from Mexico.

If I say ‘magnum’, what do you say?

PI with a mo, using high-velocity ammo, swigging from a 1.5-litre wine bottle, while eating a chocolate ice cream on a stick? Top marks! They all refer to magnums. Now add Magnum Cream Liqueur, created from single-malt Scotch whisky and real Dutch cream.

Delicious hints of caramel, chocolate and rich toffee linger as the elixir melts in the mouth. Distinctively packaged in a stylish, reusable stainless-steel flask with a screw top and handles, Magnum Cream makes a practical gift.

It also received a gold medal at the 2014 San Francisco World Spirits Competition.

Marula spirit, grappa, cognac, tequila and Scotch whisky with real dairy cream… so what’s your excuse for being mo-less this Movember? * Sale prohibited to persons under 18 years of age.

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world’s top 100 premium spirits brands, is made from wild-harvested marula fruit, indigenous to the African continent.

Enjoy Amarula Martini: shake 30ml Amarula, 15ml dry gin and a dash of bitters in a shaker with ice cubes. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with lemon zest.

Fancy a little Italian? Then purse your lips with Bottega Chocolate Grappa Liqueurs in Fior Di Latte, Gianduia, Latte Macchiato and Nero (that’s white choc, hazelnut, espresso and dark choc respectively – don’t you love it when they talk foreign?).

Best known for decadent honey nougat, Sally Williams lends its name to delicious cream liqueurs in biscotti and nougat. It’s described as a heavenly blend of nougat or biscotti cream with honey, nuts and a splash of cognac. Try this

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Watch this…

INTERSTELLAR

Release date: 7 November

text: anthony sharpe; pictures: supplied

Christopher Nolan takes a break from matters superhero-related to direct this speculative science-fiction flick. Set against the backdrop of an environmentally devastated earth, it sees a group of explorers make use of a newly discovered wormhole to surpass the limitations on human space travel and conquer the vast distances involved in an interstellar voyage. With Nolan at the helm and a cast that includes Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain and Michael Caine, this should be a doozy.

Anticipatometer: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKING JAY – PART 1 Release date: 21 November Hungry for more? You better be, because in the moneymaking spirit of Harry Potter, the third book in the Hunger Games trilogy has been adapted into two parts!

Mocking Jay – Part 1 finds Katniss Everdeen in District 13 having shattered the games forever. Under the leadership of President Coin and the advice of her trusted friends, Katniss spreads her wings as she fights to save Peeta and a nation moved by her courage.

The first two films earned high praise, so we expect more good things.

Anticipatometer: ■ ■ ■ ■

OCULUS

ANNABELLE

SNOWPIERCER

DRACULA UNTOLD

Make a date with a giant box of popcorn and one of this month’s four wildly different silver-screen releases.

HORRIBLE BOSSES 2

Release date: 28 November The sequel to 2011’s successful black comedy reunites Jason Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis, with Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx reprising their roles too. After the three friends decide to launch their own business, a savvy investor appears to take them down. With no other viable option in sight, the trio decide to kidnap the investor’s son in order to put up a ransom to take back their business. Expect them to up the ante on the blackcomedy front.

Anticipatometer: ■ ■ ■

SPUD 3: LEARNING TO FLY Release date: 28 November Our favourite gormless schoolboy is back for more misadventures. The year is 1992 and, in South Africa, radical change is in the air.

The country may be on the bumpy road to an uncertain future, but Spud Milton is hoping for a smooth ride as he returns to boarding school as a senior. Predictably, he finds it anything but smooth and wrestles with his arch enemy, Shakespeare, God and the challenges of becoming a man. Expect hilarity and nostalgia in equal measure.

Anticipatometer: ■ ■ ■ ■

GIVEAWAY!

We’ve got five otherworldly Interstellar hampers (keychain, mini telescope, cellphone stand, hat, pullover, fleece hoodie, T-shirt), five megalomaniacal Horrible Bosses 2 hampers (bendy holder, touch-screen gloves, golf-ball set, shower caddy, pullover, fleece jersey, party pack), five furious Hunger Games hampers (contents TBC) and five adolescent Spud hampers (Spud: Learning to Fly book and DVDs of the first two films) to give away! To enter, go to www.khulumaonline.co.za and click on the competitions tab. Competitions are open to all South African residents over the age of 18, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Nu Metro/Times Media Ltd/kulula.com/ Comair Limited. Competitions close 30 November.

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library lounge Twirl your whiskers thoughtfully while paging through one of this month’s new releases.

Sandton Places 3.0

text: christian schroeder; pictures: supplied

Easy Walks in the Cape Peninsula Mike Lundy Tafelberg Publishers Mike Lundy – Cape local and natural sights expert – has penned the latest in his series of impressive walking guides, this time for beginners. Walking, hiking, backpacking – whatever you want to call it, Mike Lundy’s Easy Walks in the Cape Peninsula is the perfect beginner’s guide.

Discover some of the most beautiful sights in Cape Town by trying one of the perfectly laid-out routes once in a while – complete with time, distance, an indicator for either one-way or return, and a ‘dogs allowed’ stamp – to ward off those soul-crushingly boring Saturday afternoons. Or if you’re not all that into physical exertion, just reading through the unexpected histories of Cape forests and mines and forts can be just as entertaining.

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Face-Off Chris Karsten Human & Rousseau Book three in Karsten’s epic crimethriller trilogy features psychotic serial killer Abel Lotz on a new and even more twisted murder spree, and warrant officer Ella Neser with her super-sleuth skills hot on his trail. The convolution becomes almost overwhelming when Neser is put on a case involving a naked, half-decapitated Home Affairs official suspected of a treasonous conspiracy with a couple of jihadists.

In Face-Off, Karsten plays true to form with his flair for borderlineexcessive drama. Truly thrilling if you can keep yourself engaged beyond the first few fairly uneventful chapters, this novel should keep you entertained – even if it only has you laughing at the hilariously tragic lives of the characters who inhabit its world.

Heather Mason, Gerald Garner, Brian Unsted Double G Media So, first off, this is not the most travelfriendly travel guide I’ve seen. The book weighs a ton and isn’t the easiest thing to drag around town. But that’s just about the only criticism we can really think of. Johannesburg’s financial district might not sound like a great tourist attraction, but Sandton Places reveals just how much fun this town can be – provided you have a relatively well-stuffed wallet.

The authors are an American who fell in love with the city, a Joburg native with an inspiring enthusiasm for his hometown, and a propertymarket virtuoso and expert on all things Sandton.

Together, the three have created the ultimate handbook guide to Africa’s richest square mile – including a wealth of history on Sandton, from its humble farm-life beginnings and initial indication of affluence to its current wealth and opulence, and on to the inevitable future of growth and prosperity.

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Tell me a story Claire Martens puts her own words to music.

Brett Newski

pictures: supplied

American Folk Armageddon Good Lands Records Newski is no stranger to South Africa.

A US folk artist who suffers from itchy feet, he has lived and played in countless countries across the world, including the Asiatic region, where the songs for his third album, American Folk Armageddon, were written. In October he toured our country once again, leaving in his wake a trail of foot-stomping new recruits.

Just like his frantic personality, his brand of punk-infested folk is psychotic at times, but very clearly the work of a captivating storyteller. He frolics in the stripped-back rock ’n roll of the White Stripes, but his country roots have a tendency to push through with Johnny Cash-inspired guitar. What sets Newski apart from countless other folk artists is his unusual way with words and his attention-grabbing vocal delivery. He has the attitude of a punk rocker and the lyrics of a poet. Nothing like it has ever disgraced our shores.

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David Meulen @davidmeulen Independent For a while I had been hearing rumours of a hot young musician, the singersongwriter David Meulen, and what a pleasure it is to finally hear him speak – and what a voice he has! I strongly suggest you get your hands on this effortlessly mature debut album, even if it carries the unfortunate title of @davidmeulen. If the album name was an attempt to get attention over social media, someone underestimated the power of great music.

While not the most solid album to come from a local artist, the diamonds infinitely make up for the occasional speedbump. David Meulen simply has a way with songwriting that brings out the best in his abilities. Together with close friend and poet Jessi Howell, he has fashioned intimate and endearing lyrics. Backed by some of the best musicians he could find and produced to create a fine backdrop for his voice, @davidmeulen is compelling listening.

Chris Chameleon & Daniella Deysel Posduif Independent Chris Chameleon has never been someone to shirk a challenge or, it seems, forgo the opportunity to create something truly unique. In his 10th studio album, he brings out the romance, heartbreak and a truth-filled South African visual to create an Afrikaans album brimming with soft-voiced duets and shimmering storylines.

I can’t deny that the match between Chris Chameleon and unknown poet Daniella Deysel is heavenly, making her an instant star and creating a passionate songscape of opulent vocal harmonies.

But perhaps the effort of putting poem to music is a stretch at times – it just gets a bit much after a while. While I remain full of admiration for South Africa’s superbly talented musician and performer, I find Posduif a little too singular in comparison to the range and magnitude of his capabilities. It was a risky endeavour that could have been better accomplished.

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Just a sweet

transvestite

picture: jesse kramer

The Rocky Horror Show moves up north this month. Brendan van Rhyn, the former flight attendant who plays the inimitable Dr Frank-N-Furter, chats to Eugene Yiga about doing the time warp over and over again.

Eugene Yiga: This is the second time you’ve played the role of mad scientist Frank-N-Furter. What drew you to the character (and the show) in the first place?

Brendan van Rhyn: Frank is probably the most sought-after male role in musical theatre. I wasn’t about to let go of the opportunity to strut my stuff in six-inch heels and transform myself with all the make-up. The Rocky Horror Show is unlike any other musical out there, with many attractive reasons why one would die to be part of it. Forty years on it is still drawing the crowds and this current Fugard Theatre production will undoubtedly be remembered as one, if not the best, the world has ever seen.

EY: And how did you balance the need to stay true to Tim Curry’s original Dr FrankN-Furter, while still making the iconic role your own?

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BvR: Look, Tim Curry’s shoes are hard to fill, but never did I want to wear his. I had my own pair and I was going to fill them my way. I never wanted to be known as a clone or to be accused of copying this great actor. Brendan was going to add his bit of magic in the best or only way he knew. It is the most wonderful compliment when people say that I have made it my own. I’d like to think I have my own stamp of approval.

EY: You’ve performed the current production for a year and a half, but you are still going strong. How do you keep up the stamina?

BvR: By being responsible. This is a huge role which demands physical and vocal stamina. I eat, sleep and drink Rocky Horror. There isn’t much time for anything else – no going out after the show or killing myself before an evening’s performance.

Healthy living and exercise are key to ensuring that I stay at the top of my game. No man was meant to walk in heels, so my weekly massage is a bonus!

EY: And how does this role compare with your other memorable roles on stage?

BvR: I don’t really want to compare as each role holds a special uniqueness, but I can say that between Frank and Cathy Specific (who enjoyed a two-and-a-half-year residency as the leading lady at Madame Zingara), my head space is rather occupied. Now and then the two give way for Brendan to come out and play!

The Rocky Horror Show is at Cape Town’s Fugard Theatre until Sunday 2 November and Pieter Toerien’s Main Theatre at Montecasino in Johannesburg from 14 November to 1 February 2015.

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Hypnotic

Hopkins Classically trained electro wizard Jon Hopkins hypnotises Keith Bain with his synthesisers.

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JON HOPKINS HAS scored films, produced for Coldplay, collaborated with Brian Eno, remixed for David Lynch and earned massive acclaim for his fourth solo album, Immunity, released in 2013.

He describes his earlier records as more conventional in terms of songwriting and says he had difficulty working out how to write the kind of techno music that he’d personally want to listen to again and again.

He’s evolved an organic music-making style, studiously building tracks that incorporate inspirations from the real world to achieve a seductive, hypnotic quality that, especially when experienced live, easily becomes meditative.

Here’s what he had to say about his music-making process, when we spoke to him ahead of his appearance at Sónar Cape Town next month.

My ambition for my music is to take listeners to a different level of consciousness. That’s beyond the basics of bringing on a different mood. I’d like my music to bring listeners to a trance-like state, where they aren’t really thinking about anything anymore but are instead clearly focused on the music and existing in the moment.

If there’s one goal in my music, it’s to induce the same hypnotic state for listeners that I try to achieve for my own clarity of mind. That’s often achieved through repetition, which is how a lot of hypnosis works. You simply repeat one thing until your brain drifts off and gives up. I think that can happen particularly in the live shows, when I get to perform the tracks a bit longer and you can see people losing themselves in the music. If that happens, I’m generally quite happy.

For years I’ve used self-hypnosis to relax. More recently I’ve moved into more traditional forms of meditation.

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Moustaches on the right person can be great. I don’t have the ability to grow convincing facial hair. I have a sort of mild stubble and that’s the maximum I can achieve

It’s about clearing out the stuff that clogs creativity. You can be sitting there writing music and there’ll be all these other thoughts – what people will think of the record, all the people you’re up against, all the competition, other musicians, whatever.

But that’s all nonsense. Those thoughts are useful only if they encourage me to work harder and maximise my efforts.

Other than that, they’re just going to dominate my mind and waste my time.

Meditation and self-hypnosis cut through that, relaxing me very deeply, allowing me to access a much purer version of whatever it is in me that allows me to write this stuff in the first place.

Meditation is, for me, a way of living.

I also do kundalini yoga, which is a meditative form with lots of movement and a lot of mental focus. It allows you

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to settle into yourself and into your life with more ease. I was quite an awkward person before I discovered it. It helps with everything.

Classical music was the popular music of earlier times, and during its heyday obviously wasn’t referred to as ‘classical music’. Unlike the ‘classical’ concerts of today, back then those weren’t such pristine, reverential occasions. Concerts are for people – they’re for everyone, not just the elite.

In a sense, those were the parties of the time because that was the music people went to hear. Electronic music is probably more akin to the folksier, unscored music that was going on in those times, because it’s very often made by people who don’t have musical training. I have training as a pianist, but I’m not trained in writing music, or in

electronic music. I still work without scores and work with instinct over everything else.

I don’t think about the music-writing process in advance. Previously, I tried working that way. I’d be on the train and I’d have an idea for a track, so I’d write it down and then try to realise it in the studio. But it would sound really sterile and dead when I did that.

The only method of music-making that works for me is based on what I’m doing right here and now. I have to be creating the sound in the moment, so I’m able to act on it right away. My music-making process comes down to the fact that I know what the next part is going to be only once I’ve heard the first part. So, I’m essentially in the dark about where the track is going and I let my mind – my instinct – guide me.

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I put a lot of effort into making something sound effortless, tweaking an addictive loop in tiny ways until it feels completely natural. It’s about finding the really human elements and also keeping the machine-like elements in there and balancing all of these things.

Another important factor in the music is that things are gradually changing.

The idea of things repeating for ages is a main hallmark of techno, and because you’ve been hearing the same sounds for a long time, even slight changes become really profound. A key change can make you feel as though your whole world has moved, because you’re so used to where you were before.

My approach when going on tour has always been not to find out in advance what places are like. I find it interesting to turn up and just discover. I’m very excited about coming to South Africa, and I’m interested to learn about the history of the place. I’m curious to see what’s going on with the South African

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electronic music scene – I’m not familiar with it at all. Actually, I’m not even familiar with the English electronic music scene!

I’ve always admired Brian Eno and he’s really easy to work and get on with. We jammed a lot in 2007 and 2008, did a lot of shows, improvised and wrote together.

It was a dream come true. He helped me endlessly. I haven’t seen him in a while, but he emailed me to say he’d met a psychiatrist who was using Immunity to help emotionally troubled patients. That was an amazing thing to hear: that my music is helping people.

I’ve been a fan of David Lynch for such a long time, so meeting and remixing for him was just as cool as it sounds.

The musical side of our collaboration happened remotely, but he came to watch me DJ in Paris and was very complimentary about the remix I did of his song. He’s a big meditator as well and people who do that for a long time tend to be very inquisitive and very ‘in

the moment’, and he absolutely defines that state of being.

You have to be young to be a prodigy.

I’m not young and it’s taken me a long time to work out how to do what I’m doing now. The way Immunity has been received is a kind of traffic sign for me, because it’s the best record I’ve written and I would rather have people connect with the best work I’ve done. And then they can look back at the other albums if they like.

Jon Hopkins will perform at Sónar Cape Town, the International Festival of Advanced Music, at Cape Town’s Good Hope Centre on 15 and 16 December.

Other acts include The Bloody Beetroots, 2manydjs, Sibot & Toyota and Fantasma featuring Spoek Mathambo. A Taste of Sónar, a compact version of the festival (without Hopkins) happens at Joburg’s Nasrec Expo Centre on 12 December.

Check out sonarcapetown.com for full line-ups and details.

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GAMES | GUIDE

Joy/stick

Assassins, automobiles and adorable animated avatars for your amusement.

Assassin’s Creed Unity/ Assassin’s Creed Rogue This year we’re being treated to two Assassin’s Creed releases: one exclusive to previous-gen consoles (PS3 and Xbox 360) and another exclusive to currentgen systems (PC, Xbox One and PS4).

The latter is dubbed Assassin’s Creed Unity, and it’s set in Paris during the French Revolution, with players assuming control of fresh character Arno Dorian. For this iteration of the popular franchise, the melee combat system has been completely rebuilt, drawing inspiration from fencing. There’s an array of new and improved features, including streamlined movement, more crowd interactions, new weaponry and the ability to customise Arno’s

skills. Up to four players can also play co-operatively, meaning you can wreak havoc with your friends.

Xbox 360 and PS3 owners can look forward to Assassin’s Creed Rogue. It’s the sequel to Black Flag and, as the title suggests, you play a former assassin (named Shay Patrick Cormac) who’s defected to join the Templars. Expect loads of naval combat, which has been improved in a number of ways.

Shay’s ship, Morrigan, is capable of sailing on rivers, and enemies can now board your ship during battles.

Players have to fend off various enemy assassins, and there’s an assortment of new weapons and gadgets to aid you in this. Get your added content when pre-ordering from BT Games.

New release: Grand Theft Auto V (next-gen)

text and pictures: supplied by BT Games

Everyone’s favourite open-world mayhem simulator is finally making its way to the next generation of consoles (or the current generation, depending on where you sit).

GTA V on the old consoles proved to be a huge success, and now with its updated visuals, extra content and tweaks all round, it’s bound to be an even better experience.

Set in the fictional city of Los Santos, GTA V gives players three insane characters to control (one a little more insane than the others), and a massive world to explore on foot, in vehicles, under water and even in the air. Organised heists, street races, wheelings and dealings are the order of the day – practically normal for this lot – and if you somehow manage to find yourself wanting more, there’s an entire online mode to explore with friends, enemies and strangers alike. Pre-order from BT Games to get a double-sided GTA V poster!

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Best of what’s out there: LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham The Batman: Arkham series has proven that it’s got the chops to deliver a gritty, hardcore Batman experience to those of us old enough for such things, but what about the younger crowd?

That’s where the super-cute, but certainly no less entertaining, LEGO games come in, this time with a third game from the hugely popular Batman series.

This title follows on from the events of LEGO Batman 2, with the super-villain using the powers of the Lantern Corps rings to take over the universe. It’s up to Batman and the Justice League to put a stop to such shenanigans and save the day.

As is par for the course for LEGO games, expect a ton of playable characters, including Aquaman, Robin, Harley Quinn, Penguin, Superman and Green Arrow, each with special powers and uses in the game world.

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TECH | GUIDE

Grow your mo The latest technological innovations in moustache control, as road-tested by Steven Norris of Gearburn.com.

Panasonic Milano

Remington FR-750 v

Features, many features, are what make the Milano such a treat. Never mind a simple trim, the Milano has a quick-adjust dial with 19 length settings to ensure a mo of any length. It shaves both wet and dry – and it has a docking stand. It also looks like a phaser from Star Trek, so bonus points for that.

This cool razor is both inexpensive and moustachefriendly. Right under the ‘on’ button is a pop-out trimmer which is ideal for shortening the length of any unruly moustache hairs. When Movember is over, simply shave the errant lip rug off with the enormous triple-bladed foil head.

Philips Norelco

Wahl Groomsman

Now this is more like it. The Norelco looks like a UFO and has many alien attachments of its own. Besides the swivelling head, there’s a handy-dandy trimmer and a freaking tiny screen that tells you what’s what.

High-carbon hardened steel ensures a sleek cut every time. It has a moustache and beard guide setting, as well as tiny combs to ensure a straight cut. Wahl razors are expensive, but they’re quality stuff and should last you many, many Movembers.

TRACK YOUR MO WITH THESE HIRSUTE APPS

pictures: supplied

Mo Tracker (iPhone)

Now here’s an easy application to get to grips with. Mo Tracker takes a pic of your lip on Day 1. Every day, you’ll take a new photo and at the end, Mo Tracker creates a cute movie of your ‘stache. Simple and easy to use, what more would any lip need?

For those who can’t grow a mo or are, you know, a lady, then Stachify is for you. It doesn’t care who you are, what you look like – it’s going to add a moustache to your pretty face. Stachify snaps a picture of yourand then offers up some creative drawing tools to create the perfect ’stache.

Charlie Hop (Android)

Charlie Hop is a little bit different, as it’s a game starring a block with a moustache on it. This fairly fiendish, gravity-based platform game is a great way to pass the time while you wait for those precious lip hairs to sprout.

BoothStache (Android, iPhone)

This app is for the truly discerning Movember man. It takes a selfie, then allows you to add custom moustache shapes, before turning your image into the perfect, hairy mo man you’ve always dreamed of – and could become.

For more insightful gadget and gaming news, check out gearburn.com. kulula.com

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Stachify (Android)

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Join the...

CHAT

Dusty Rich truly is the king of his castle.

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Model citizen She’s a supermodel, businesswoman, philanthropist, and her family has some seriously good genes.

Tracy McGregor plays it coy with Dusty Rich.

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MODEL | CHAT

Dusty Rich: Hello, Tracy! I am so glad to be speaking to you, even if it is only over the phone and not face-to-face, because you do indeed have such a lovely face!

How are you doing?

Tracy McGregor: [Laughs] I’m doing very well, thanks.

DR: I’ve been researching – strictly for professional reasons – a bunch of your pics and magazine covers. I believe you’re in the Cape right now, how’s the summer vibe coming along down there?

TM: Oh it’s good. It’s a bit nippy right now, but I hear it’ll pick up later this week.

DR: So tell me, your Twitter account boasts an impressive 40 000 followers.

Where would you hide if that number of people were actually, physically following you around?

TM: [Laughs] I don’t even know – where could one hide?

DR: Boksburg! Nobody ever goes to Boksburg, you’d be perfectly safe there.

TM: [Laughs] I suppose that could work, then.

DR: Now, serious question. You have a supermodel sister. You’re a supermodel as well. Is there just a ‘regular model’ relative somewhere in your family tree?

TM: [Laughs] Well, my parents are role models, I guess. Does that count?

DR: No, because they’re super-role models. Now, being a supermodel: do you have superpowers? Like the ability to run in high heels, apply make-up in any reflective surface, or the ability to wear any bra as a push-up bra?

TM: I think I’ll answer yes to all of the above! I like to think I can do most things I put my mind to and, despite popular belief, all of those things are pretty damn hard to do.

DR: Is there an exam you have to write for supermodeldom?

TM: Not that I am aware of. Being

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successful is about trying your best and doing all you can to get what you want, and then, if you’re lucky, you might be able to pull it off.

DR: As a supermodel, you come into regular contact with other supermodels.

Have you ever been scratched by Naomi Campbell?

TM: No, I can’t say that I have. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing, I couldn’t tell you. But based on the stories I’ve heard, it may be a good thing.

DR: Yeah, we often hear stories of models going completely diva and losing it. Would you consider yourself a bit of a diva?

TM: No, I’m very chilled in general. I’ve never had such an incident and I don’t plan on making a spectacle of myself anytime soon.

DR: [Laughs] Yeah, I think being a Capetonian gives you the accreditation of being chilled most of the time.

TM: I think that has something to do with it, but it also just has a lot to do with who you are as a person.

There’s no point in stressing and being unprofessional about silly little things, especially in this industry. Having people talk about you behind your back because of the mistakes you make can be detrimental to your career.

DR: Yeah, putting positivity out there will earn you some positivity back in life.

TM: I totally agree with that, 100 percent.

DR: Okay, so another serious question.

If you were marooned on an island after a photoshoot and had to escape on your own wit, what kind of fruit would you be?

TM: [Laughs] I think I’d make a pretty convincing banana. Just because they look very interesting – the way people eat them. It can be very entertaining to watch.

DR: You can only eat a banana in private, never in public. That’s a life lesson.

TM: And don’t make eye contact with anyone while you’re eating.

DR: [Laughs] Yes! Brilliant life tip right there! Now, you do some amazing charity work for a variety of causes.

What is some of your favourite charity work?

TM: Well, my boyfriend started up an NGO a couple of years ago, called Dare to Share, and we basically act as a facilitator for people or companies to donate funds or material goods, which will then be distributed to people in need.

DR: That’s such a cool concept.

TM: Yeah, it actually started between the two of us trying to decide what to do for his 31st birthday, and we thought, instead of spending the usual couple of thousand on bottles and cars and venues, we’d get a few friends together, gather up some funds and put them to good use. Today we have thousands of people who donate on a regular basis, and we’re supplying a lot of needy organisations and individuals with stuff they really need.

DR: The trouble is that even when donating to a charity, you’re never really sure where the money goes. That’s why I think entrusting your donations to an organisation that makes it their mission to make sure the money goes the right way is such a cool idea.

TM: It really is a cool idea and it works.

DR: Now listen, I am a Mo Bro – an ambassador of the glorious Movember movement – and I believe you’ve been involved at some point or another as well. I have a brilliant moustache that is made out of pure sunshine, by the way, and I would say you’re definitely a Mo Sista.

TM: I have been involved and I think it’s a really great idea. My boyfriend does the whole no-shaving thing every year and

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it does get a little much at times, but I think it’s all for a great cause, so it’s worth it. Also, I love that it’s light-hearted and positive.

DR: Exactly. I’d rather grow a ’stache than dunk my head in a bucket of ice water any day.

TM: [Laughs] I’d have to agree and I’d join in if I could!

DR: You were the first South African on the cover of the SA version of Playboy.

I plan to be the next, by the way.

Normally you’re wearing at least some kind of swimwear. Was it liberating doing a nude shoot?

TM: You know, it actually was quite liberating, but I was nonetheless very apprehensive about it, and even after the shoot I still doubted whether or not it was the right thing to do. But I did have a chat [with] my boyfriend and my family, and

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I was adamant that everybody should be okay with it before the photos spread across the entire country.

DR: At the end of the day, it’s all flesh and we should all just learn to live with it. We were all born naked, so why are we so afraid of it?

TM: That’s so true.

DR: You recently moved into the world of television. Tell us a bit about that.

TM: Right now I have a show running on Cape Town TV called Sell Hard Western Cape, where we look for the best salespeople in Cape Town, and it’s going really well. We’re actually shooting the finale in November and the winner wins a sales directorship in a company that I am part owner of. It’s fun to do, and we get to create some opportunities for people that really have a lasting impact.

DR: You look amazing in and out of clothes, and now I hear you’re designing clothes as well.

TM: [Laughs] I’ve done two lines over the last few years. It’s still a work in progress. We’ve recently started a new venture that will have a broader focus, including handbags, jewellery, fashion accessories and a lot of other apparel.

What I’ve found coolest about it all is the opportunity to explore different sides of my own creativity.

DR: So, back to summer! This issue of khuluma is all about getting back to the beach. Since your career kind of depends on your staying fit and working your tail off to have a good tail, do you have any advice for our readers? Maybe some tips on how to not get mistaken for other marine animals while sunbathing on Clifton 4th this December?

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Be yourself; be confident in who you are; be funny – always a bonus; and always treat people with respect TM: [Laughs] I think it’s all about balance – like most things in life. I see my trainer five times a week and I generally live an active life. Hiking and running, those kinds of things really help and they’re such easy, fun little things to do.

But, in general, make sure you don’t eat too much chocolate, make sure you stay active and always get plenty of exercise.

DR: So they say women always look for a man with a sense of humour … just saying. What would you say to the men out there trying to find their soul mates without the use of pickup lines?

TM: Pickup lines never really work, do they? In general, I think guys could benefit from just being themselves more often, instead of trying to be macho okes so much. Be yourself; be confident in who you are; be funny – always a bonus; and always treat people with respect.

DR: Well, I just wanna let you and all the other ladies know that I have little-to-no muscle, but plenty of rock ’n roll in me, so hit me up.

TM: [Laughs] Wow, that’s good to know.

DR: Thank you so much for chatting to me, Tracy; it was such a pleasure! I’m sure we’ll see you chilling on the Cape Town beaches this summer.

TM: Definitely. I look forward to it! ■

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Sgt Pepper’s clothing smarts club

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Zak Venter is the man behind manly menswear brand Sgt Pepper. Dusty Rich gets sartorial.

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Dusty Rich: Hello Zak Venter, fellow Durbanite, owner of remarkable facial hair and creator of the clothing and apparel brand Sgt Pepper. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, good man.

Zak Venter: How are you, Dusty? I must say you’ve got quite a glorious moustache yourself.

DR: [Laughs] It’s been in the works for 28 years now.

ZV: Wow, there must be an award for that.

DR: There is – it’s called Movember. Now tell me, what’s in a name? My parents called me Dusty, so obviously I could only be a comedian – would you go to see Doctor Dusty? Where does the name Sgt Pepper come from? Does it have anything to do with the Beatles?

ZV: There’s no connection with the Beatles, no.

DR: Tell that to Google!

ZV: Yeah, we come up first on search results, so I’d say we’ve done pretty well.

But we get this question a lot. We wanted something that would relate to a man’s man. That’s it.

DR: That’s the ethos of the brand, isn’t it?

ZV: Yeah, lots of durable fabrics and almost rough products.

DR: I’m a Mo Bro, ambassador for Movember, and your brand embodies manliness, like a hard swing of an axe against the mighty oak tree – obviously a conscious effort on your part. What does manliness mean to you, in one sentence?

ZV: It means security. There’s a sense of

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power about a man who is secure about who he is. I think inner confidence and believing in who you are – that’s what being a man is about.

DR: Your brand is kind of an understated manliness, a humble manliness. Would you say the quietly confident man always wins out against the juiced-up, gymobsessed, wears-his-little-brother’s-shirt man? To me, that’s not manliness.

ZV: [Laughs] Well, I don’t want to hate, I don’t want to segregate.

DR: You don’t have to mention names.

ZV: [Laughs] I kind of feel like everyone must do their thing. Our company is about the more chilled-out dudes. We started up when the word ‘hipster’ had just started becoming popular, and we wanted to make sure we didn’t pigeonhole ourselves into that kind of category too much. We try to cater to a wide variety of men.

DR: Where do they hide their protein shakes in all that tight clothing?

ZV: [Laughs] No comment.

DR: Understandable. [Laughs] So, your ‘Wear Once’ campaign – tell me about it.

ZV: Well, it was actually our one-year birthday celebration, but it became so much more. The campaign was about creating quality gear, made by local talent, that really had a lasting impact on an individual’s life. We don’t really follow trends. We try to create things that’ll stay in your life for a long time and won’t be out of fashion three months down the line.

DR: Is it true you use the beard and moustache hair of Vikings as stitching for your garments?

ZV: [Laughs] No, that’s a myth. We’ve found good old cotton thread to be just as good and much easier to find.

DR: In a messy world where we have 281 different passwords for our social networks, 688 telesales calls a day, about

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7 000 junk-enlargement adverts in our inbox and what seems like three minutes to handle it all, Sgt Pepper’s simplicity is welcome and refreshing. Is a simple, minimalist life your dream for this busy, busy world?

ZV: [Laughs] Yeah, I quite like the concept of slow living. I feel like, through the brand, we try to inspire people to take some time to consider and celebrate the process behind even the simplest things around them. There is so much fluff and clutter out there at the moment, and we want to cut through all of that noise by offering genuine value and living out our authentic story.

DR: Were you raised with wolves by lumberjacks who gave you an anchor tattoo for your 11th birthday, and taught you how to make clothing out of bark and woodland animals?

ZV: Well, I am Afrikaans, so basically, yes.

And my dad is a total Rambo – we grew up going on crazy adventures into the wild.

DR: [Laughs] Nice. Each item in your range makes me want to get on a mechanised horse, tie a sleeping bag, a straight razor and a bottle of rum to the back, max out the throttle, and find a shark to wrestle and a bear to fist-fight.

Where do you get the inspiration and who designs the garments?

ZV: So many things inspire me – spending time in nature, inner-city culture, great coffee, spending time with my wife, solitude. But, more than anything, I get inspired by people who are truly alive, living fully, feeding the spirit of adventure inside them and pursuing their passions and dreams, in whatever context or capacity that might be. We want to draw out the adventurer in every man, through every thread. As for design, I come up with the concepts for the garments, and we have a team that puts it all down on paper

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and works out the kinks. Our brand has evolved a lot, though, so our style kind of depends on where we are in our story.

DR: That’s kind of beautiful: calling it a story. It adds a lot more emotion behind a garment.

ZV: Yeah, it does and that’s what we try to do. We want people to take the time to celebrate and appreciate the things they buy for the processes it took to get it there. For us the process is incredibly important – from the shade, to the cut, to the fabric and the models, props and scene we use. It’s all part of the process and every step is carefully planned to mean something and to add to the story.

DR: Your brand and ethos seem to speak to the workingclass heroes, the men with calloused hands and beards to protect their chins from the sparks as they weld and grind masculine handles for the tools they just used. Do you think this generation lacks those craftsmen? Everyone nowadays wants to be a Bieber, a Jay-Z or – worse – a comedian?

ZV: This campaign is inspired by hard work. One of our slogans is ‘Work hard, stay inspired’. Again we don’t have to pigeonhole, but getting up and being inspired by the things you do is what we want people to do.

DR: The word ‘hipster’ gets thrown around so often these days. A moustache, a scarf, leather shoes and an iPhone condemn you to the title. For me the brand has way more longevity than a silly pop-culture term. I feel like Sgt Pepper hipsters could catch a trout

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with an iPhone, shoelace and a bait app if they wanted to. What’s in the future for the brand?

ZV: [Laughs] You’re killing me! We have a specific brand ethos and way of designing that we feel will stick around for a while.

There’s a rare skill to managing the

balance between trend and longevity, and making sure you’re aware of trends and observing movements in pop culture, but also making sure you never get enslaved to them. We’re looking at expanding into European markets, but we do want to take it slow. A lot of companies just blow up and become mega-successful and then they actually lose what they were originally about. We don’t want to see that happen to the brand.

DR: And going slow works for you guys.

ZV: Yeah, you can’t go wrong with organic growth.

DR: The brand is only two years or so old, where can we buy your things?

I hear there might be an exclusive store in the works.

ZV: There is! Hopefully we’ll be opening one in the near future. We can’t be too specific, but very soon! But you can find our gear at your nearest Stuttafords, online and in many multi-brand independent boutiques around the country. Also, check out our website, www.sgtpepperbrand.com, for details.

DR: Side note: Wesley Shankland is a good friend of mine. We grew up together in Amanzimtoti and it’s so cool that you guys are furthering his career now.

ZV: Yeah, Wesley was the first model we ever used, along with a guy called Brett Rogers, and they both have those mammoth beards.

[Laughs] So they were perfect for what we were looking for.

DR: Zak, thank you so much for talking to me as we waft through cigar smoke, sip on whisky and plan our next fishing trip to the Arctic Circle. Do you have any advice for the men reading this?

ZV: Thank you, bud. My advice or encouragement would be to never cease building the world you can imagine, even if others can’t see it or necessarily understand it. Be yourself and live a life marked by truth.

DR: Salut!

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Step off relaxed, into a world of progress and promise Trevor Crighton takes the Gautrain, exploring the endless opportunities of Gauteng

J

ust five years ago, the idea that you could travel from the centre of town in Johannesburg to the heart of Pretoria in just 36 minutes, or from Sandton to OR Tambo in 15 minutes, was absurd. In 2014, hundreds of thousands of people make those journeys every day – at any time of day. The Gautrain has made fast, clean and efficient transport a reality in Gauteng.

Just thinking of travelling on the N1 during rush hour is enough to make even the most hardened Gautenger break into a cold sweat, so there’s a lot to be said for whizzing past the gridlock at 160km/h in a comfortable seat, while catching up on social media on your mobile device. With 10 stations on a route that runs to each of the four compass points, and supported by nearly 30 bus routes, taking the Gautrain has become a way of life for commuters in an incredibly short space of time.

Clockwork schedules and consistent trip durations make it easy for travellers to plan their schedules and the cashless, card-based

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payment system makes travel safe and efficient. Buses are plentiful and run five days a week.

Each of the 10 stations has its own unique personality – though something they all share is helpful staff, visible security and excellent directional signage. Hatfield Station opens into the student and embassy district of the capital and on weekends is crammed with sports fans in team colours, making their way to nearby Loftus Versveld Stadium.

Pretoria Station is surrounded by the bustle of the inner city, with loads of fast food and shopping options right outside the door.

Centurion Station is the gateway to scores of office parks and businesses. Midrand Station gives commuters access to the midpoint between Johannesburg and Pretoria, as well as the nearby Gallagher Estate Convention Centre.

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For ease of access to the highway, it’s hard to beat the Marlboro Station, adjacent to Alexandra with its rows of neat RDP houses.

It’s at Marlboro that passengers travelling to and from O. R. Tambo International Airport in the east can switch to the North/South line for access to Johannesburg or Pretoria.

Along the way, the Gautrain stops at Rhodesfield Station. Not many airport passengers pay this station any heed, but for thousands of everyday passengers, this is their main node of connection to the Gautrain system from the East Rand. Here, as at Pretoria, Hatfield and Park stations, the line intersects with the Metrorail system, giving commuters easy access for onward journeys.

Arriving at Sandton Station from Marlboro really gives you a feeling for the scope of the Gautrain project. The Gautrain first dips underground on the North/South route, just past Marlboro and heads downwards to Sandton and underneath Africa’s richest square mile.

Whether you take the lift or the series of escalators to the surface in Sandton, you can’t help but be struck by what a major feat of engineering the Gautrain really is. Massive blue stanchions support the concrete walls as the escalators zig-zag dizzyingly upwards to ground level.

All that Sandton offers is a few moments walk away – the shopping temptations of Sandton City and Nelson Mandela Square, a plethora

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of hotels and head offices of multimillion-rand corporates and law firms surround the station complex.

Rosebank Station is more laid-back, with the stylishly revamped Rosebank Mall and The Zone a short escalator ride away.

The final stop is at Park Station in the beating heart of the Johannesburg CBD. With connections to Metrorail and the Rea Vaya bus system – as well as its own dedicated Gautrain bus network – Park Station offers commuters almost endless connection opportunities to work and play opportunities in Jozi. Arts, culture, commerce, shopping, living and working – the endless opportunities of Johannesburg are laid out before you as you step out of the station.

The Gautrain is a slick, speedy, efficient blue and gold-liveried advertisement for the progress and promise of Gauteng – and South Africa as a whole.

For more information visit: www.gautrain.co.za Follow us on: Twitter: @TheGautrain Facebook: www.facebook.com/gautrain Call Centre: 0800 4288 7246 SMS alert line: 32693

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To the last drop With freshwater reserves under severe pressure and serious shortages predicted in as little as 10 years, valiant NGOs are going to war to save our precious resource. Dale Hes takes it one drop at a time.

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WATER CONSERVATION | LOCAL HERO

AS YOU STAND on the wall of the Vaal Dam and look across billions of tonnes of water stretching into the distance, and consider that there are hundreds of similar dams across the country, it’s hard to imagine that South Africa is facing an impending water crisis.

But the truth is that our current freshwater resource status is described as being under enormous pressure. We are the 30th-driest country in the world and are severely constrained by low rainfall, limited underground aquifers and reliance on huge water transfers from neighbouring countries.

Throw in the theft of water resources, deteriorating infrastructure, an exploding population, climate change and water pollution, and you have a situation where serious shortages are predicted to occur as early as 2025. The repercussions are immense. Middle-class South Africans, who take for granted the fact that sparkling clean water will flow from their taps at every turn, will join the millions of people who are already struggling to access potable water. More alarmingly, our largest industries – including agriculture, mining and forestry – could slowly grind to a halt.

As government treads water in trying to find a solution, several NGOs have put on their local hero capes, dedicating themselves to saving the increasingly precious resource. However, there is a common belief running through the veins of these organisations: the future of our country’s water lies in the hands of the ordinary South African.

Drop by drop ‘Saving water is done on a personal basis, drop by drop,’ explains Meagan Donnely, co-ordinator for Water Wise, Rand Water’s environmental brand. ‘If everyone has

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Annually, more than 30% of provided water is lost through leaks, ageing infrastructure and unpaid bills this approach, you can make a difference and then collectively we can make a big impact, as your individual effort will add to the greater whole. Hence, we try to make our initiatives very personal.’

The pillars of Water Wise’s work are neatly represented by a logo portraying five fingers on the human hand, each with an important message on how to become ‘water-wise’. The themes here include respect for water, the need to conserve the resource in South Africa, not polluting water, paying for water services and taking physical action to fix taps, report leaking taps or clean up the environment.

‘South Africa is classified as waterscarce,’ says Meagan, ‘and the importance of water is to be valued and emphasised in order to ensure we have sufficient resources available for all South Africans.’

In order to save water, most South Africans know that we should turn off dripping taps, take showers instead of baths and reduce the amount of time we spend watering our gardens. But Neil Armitage, professor of Civil Engineering at the University of Cape Town, says there needs to be a complete paradigm shift in our thoughts about water.

‘For instance, people need to realise that 40-60% of potable water in households is used for non-essential purposes, such as watering gardens and filling swimming

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pools. This is a huge waste, as recycled water or rainwater does the job just as well, if not better, due to a higher nutrient content,’ Neil points out. For many of their operations, large industries do not need potable water either and can just as effectively buy cheaper, treated water from sewage plants.

Neil moots grey-water recycling systems, which collect used water from baths, showers and washing machines for reuse, as one of the most effective water-saving measures. He even suggests a move to waterless toilets, which break down waste using decomposition. ‘The City of Durban has installed 30 000 to 40 000 of these toilets, but it is going to require a huge culture change for households to begin installing them,’ he says.

Interestingly, Neil adds that middleclass South Africans can learn from the water-saving mentality of disadvantaged communities. ‘Many of these people walk several kilometres just to get water, so they make sure that they put it to good use and make it stretch as far as possible.

In general, they better realise the value of water,’ he explains.

Plugging the leak On a national level, South Africa’s government is facing massive challenges to keep the taps running. Annually, more

WATER CONSERVATION | LOCAL HERO

GROWING PROBLEM A highly polluted section of the Vaal River, which supplies water to millions of people in Gauteng.

than 30% of provided water – with an estimated value of R7.2 billion – is lost through leaks, ageing infrastructure and unpaid bills.

Although there are more than 500 government dams in South Africa, with a cumulative capacity of more than 15 million Olympic-sized swimming pools, most of our rivers are already dammed up, meaning that surface resources are already accounted for. The rivers themselves are becoming increasingly polluted in the wake of rapid development and population growth, with tremendous pressure being placed on their flow rates.

One of our heroes, the Association for Water and Rural Development (AWARD), responded to a crisis in 2005 when the Olifants River, which supplies water to more than three million people in Limpopo, stopped flowing.

‘This caused widespread concern and calls for an integrated focus on all of the easterly flowing rivers of the Lowveld

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of South Africa,’ says Derick du Toit, AWARD assistant director. ‘Our research has raised some serious concerns. Of the Lowveld rivers investigated, none met the requirements in terms of river flow.’

AWARD is currently implementing a transboundary research programme that focuses on the Olifants, which is a river system shared with Mozambique. The project, named RESILIM O, focuses on the way in which people depend on the Olifants and its contributing waterways.

Despite legislative frameworks for water reform and environmental flows, rivers continue to degrade, both in terms of quality and quantity.

‘We know that current practices of use and management are not enough to deal with the rapid changes and challenges we’re facing,’ says Derick. ‘By designing practical interventions to address the vulnerability of people and ecosystems, we provide a foundation for development policy and practice in South Africa.’

Go with the flow On the bright side, South African cities are becoming significantly more water-sensitive. Durban, which won the Stockholm Industry Water Award in 2014, has been described as one of the most progressive water-saving cities in the world. The city has promoted sustainable methods such as rainwater harvesting, water recycling and mini hydropower, and other large cities such as Cape Town and Johannesburg are following suit.

But, as demonstrated by the neverending service delivery protests across South Africa, poorer communities are still battling with terrible water woes.

The Mvula Trust is South Africa’s largest water and sanitation NGO, working to improve the health and wellbeing of

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CHANGE CHAMPIONS The AWARD team looks for solutions for the grave problems with rivers in the Limpopo province.

rural communities by increasing access to sustainable water, sanitation and related services. The organisation has put together a pioneering model for water management, getting local communities involved in saving water.

‘Since 1993 we have championed community-based models for water services provision, and have an international reputation for establishing highly successful local water services providers,’ says Mvula CEO Silas Mbedzi.

Access to donor funding allows the NGO to undertake research, pilot new approaches and influence policy development. ‘Our mission is to improve the health and welfare of poor and disadvantaged South Africans in rural communities by increasing their access to safe and sustainable water and sanitation services,’ Silas explains.

By working to save South Africa’s water, this intrepid group of NGOs is in fact protecting the future of the country itself, but they can only do it when all citizens come to the realisation that water is infinitely more precious than gold or diamonds. The consensus is that if water users can come together, common sense solutions are definitely within reach.

5 wonderful ways to cut water waste • Fix leaks at home and report public water leaks to your local municipality. More than 30% of water is lost through leaks every year.

• Make your garden water-wise by planting indigenous droughtresistant plants which require minimal watering. In addition, water your garden only very early in the morning or after sunset, to reduce unnecessary evaporation.

• Capture rainwater from gutters to use in your garden and invest in a rainwater tank.

• It takes three litres of tap water to make one litre of bottled water.

Overall, South Africa has worldclass quality drinking water, so unless you are travelling or unsure about the quality of water in your area, ditch the bottled water.

• Be water-wise and purchase waterefficient devices and water-saving appliances. Use the economy cycle on your dishwasher and washing machine to save water and energy.

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Extreme holiday enjoyment Ready to holiday like there’s no tomorrow – take the vacation of a lifetime?

Keith Bain has a little advice on how to ensure that your ultimate December break is more than another mediocre getaway.

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HOLIDAY PLANNING | TRAVEL

EVERY YEAR YOU promise yourself the ultimate vacation. The most memorable, ‘go shout it from the rooftops’ holiday, the one that blows all other trips out the water. Each year you swear this will be the one. The one where you’ll do it all, see it all, and return totally restored, so re-energised that you can’t wait to get to another year at the grindstone.

And what happens?

You end up on the same patch of sand, on the same beach, under the same wind-blasted umbrella, complaining that the water’s too cold, or too warm. Or you find yourself staying in the same soulless, overpriced hotel, queuing for the buffet breakfast, stuck in the same traffic with hundreds of other holidaymakers who’ve made the same promises to themselves year in and year out.

Or maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, this year will be different.

Know what you want … and why Whoa! Hold your horses. Baby steps.

Before you jet off in your imagination to some paradise or knock-your-socks-off sanctuary, decide – really decide – what you want out of it. Decide precisely what you intend to achieve from this fancy trip of yours. If you want to lie around doing nothing all day, without being bothered, you can probably do that at home, for considerably less money and even less fuss.

One of my best-ever vacations was spent mixing it up between being plopped next to my pool and sprawled over my sofa with a good book. All of my neighbours were stuck in traffic in Umhlanga, Knysna or Clifton.

Plan like it’s your PhD Research shows that most of a holiday’s excitement happens in the planning stage.

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HOLIDAY PLANNING | TRAVEL

Illustration: pete woo, pictures: david collett, keith bain, delaire graff, abseil africa

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness – Mark Twain Apparently, when we let our imaginations run wild, we dream up the very best our vacation can provide and our anticipation exceeds actuality.

It’s great to dream, but wouldn’t you prefer to enjoy the holiday? One cure is to immerse yourself in the facts of the holiday, rather than the fantasy. Discover the history of a place – know its politics.

And if it’s an experience you’re aiming for, spend time learning where the best locations are to try it out. If you’re keen to swim with whale sharks, figure out where the best spots are and investigate all possible operators so that you get a knowledgeable insight into what awaits, and then book your trip based on clearheaded facts.

Travel responsibly by making it worthwhile If you are venturing far from home, think about what’s to be gained. Holidays should be worth the time and effort, so think about what the effects of where you’re going and what you’ll be doing will be on your entire family. A trip to Disneyland may

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awe your children, but have you properly considered the ramifications? The queues?

The junk food? The wasted opportunity to learn something new?

Know thyself Take yourself into account. Consider your likes, dislikes, fitness level, tastes and prejudices – be honest about who you are.

If you loathe museums, don’t feel obliged to visit a famous museum simply because you’re in Paris and everyone else is doing it.

Put your needs ahead of what the guidebooks and brochures tell you. And make allowances for your limitations.

Nobody wants to spend their vacation pretending they’re having a good time.

Then push thyself While you needn’t fashion your life on Bear Grylls, there’s much to be said for trying new things on vacation. In fact, there’s a much stronger likelihood that you’ll remember your holiday – even without an Instagram account – if you tackle a challenge or achieve something adventurous or momentous, even if it’s

simply picking up a few words in a foreign language.

Holidays are the ideal time to tackle those long-ignored demons (bungeejumping, skydiving, microlighting) or indulge a pleasure you don’t have time for at home (a cooking course, multi-day hike, tango lessons). Everything is out there, you just need to make the effort to find what you want.

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TRAVEL | HOLIDAY PLANNING

If you really want to be prepared for a destination, explore online sites where locals are talking about what’s going on

Avoid tourist traps Okay, sure, there are some places that are on your bucket list precisely because they’re on everyone’s bucket list, and the reason for that is that skipping them in your lifetime is simply unthinkable. You will queue for the Eiffel Tower, you will regret not prebooking your tour of Robben Island, and you’ll hate yourself if you visit Cape Town for the first time and don’t get to the top of Table Mountain.

But what you don’t need to spend your vacation doing is eating in restaurants where only tourists eat (and always pay more), shopping for souvenirs emblazoned with the name of the place you’re visiting, or hanging out in hotels and bars where everyone else is also from far away. Mingle.

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a destination, explore online sites where locals are talking about what’s going on. If you have any special interests, find out if there’s a local scene happening there. Figure out beforehand if there’s a sporting event or festival that might be of interest, and check out the social media pages of restaurants, clubs, bars and other venues to see what the people who frequent them are saying.

The internet also usually gives you access to regional and local newspapers, so you can do some research on current news and events, always useful for figuring out what a place is really like now, as opposed to three years ago when the last travel guidebook covering it was researched.

Get the inside scoop

Trust the experience and go with the flow

One advantage of social media is that it’s taken word of mouth into an environment accessible to all. If you really want to be prepared for

Quit thinking of travel as some glamour-bound fantasy. Travelling is really an adventure into another part of the same real world. Many of the

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TRAVEL | HOLIDAY PLANNING

What gives value to travel is fear. It breaks down a kind of inner structure we all have

Where you stay can make or break your holiday

– Elizabeth Benedict

realities you encounter will be things you don’t necessarily like.

Remember that holiday destinations are real places, too. There’s an awful tourist tendency to expect every destination to be some sort of Disneyland.

But Disneyland is fabricated for tourists.

Real places in the world are there because people live in them and are going about their daily lives.

It’s a privilege to visit other parts of the world, so don’t assume they’re there purely for your amusement. Trust that wherever you find yourself, it’s precisely as it should be.

Pack light The rule of thumb when packing for a trip away is that, having stuffed your suitcase, you should halve its contents. In my experience, halving that again won’t hurt. Check your destination’s climaterelated clothing needs, and take sensible gear to fend off cold and prevent yourself from getting wet. If you’re heading for the

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beach, reconsider the heels and jackets.

See where you can multi-purpose space-consuming items, such as using a smart pair of sandals for day and night wear. If you’re moving around a lot, scale down even more – that suitcase will become your worst enemy if it’s weighing you down.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and simply let go…

For many, the anticipation of going on holiday is also laced with fear and trepidation. Things can go wrong. You may leave your tickets or passport at home. You could turn up late for a flight. But if you arrive at your intended destination, you owe it to yourself to kick into a more zen frame of mind. Stop worrying, lose the anxieties… and see what pleasures unfold. If you’ve done the planning, decided what you want to achieve, and made the effort to get there, why not graciously accept your hardearned reward? Let go.

As much as spontaneity is a key ingredient of any good vacation, so is a good night’s sleep. But holiday accommodation isn’t merely about finding a comfortable bed or having easy access to all of those homefrom-home comforts you take for granted. Location will dictate so much about how you experience your destination. Even the most fantastic resort, if located too far from the hub of what you’ve come to experience, will start to feel like a burden, so make sure you’re based close to the heart of the matter.

Don’t go on looks and luxuries alone, either. A lot of what makes a good hotel great lies in those intangibles – service is obvious, but how far will your hosts go to ensure you have a hassle-free stay, or provide you with the inside scoop on the unknown world in which you’ve arrived?

As much as you shouldn’t overtrust TripAdvisor and other online user-driven portals, it’s worth reading comments to get a sense of how previous guests have experienced their stay.

And bear in mind that having knowledgeable hosts with personal links to your destination and a passion for it can spare you a lot of bother. Stay somewhere small and intimate, and often the person checking you into your room will also be able to advise on the best places to see, eat, drink, or hang out – far better that having a commissiondriven concierge signing you up for expensive tours.

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Anthony Sharpe follows his upper lip around the world in search of the true meaning of Movember.

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MOVEMBER | TRAVEL

EVERY YEAR, ON 1 November, I take to Facebook to issue a public apology to all of the women I know – and in fact anyone exposed to my visage over the following month – before dropping my sex life off at the airport for its annual vacation. The reason for this apology and associated romantic hiatus is the furry adornment that begins to appear just below my nose, ghostlike at first, then ever more distinct and bedraggled, like some sort of hitherto-unclassified species of midget ferret saving itself from drowning in my mouth by clinging to my upper lip, lashing out in a feral stupor at passersby and frightening children.

Despite having won the lottery on entering my 30s with a healthy head of hair, and only about two sprouting from my back (which I named Romulus and Remus, without too much irony), I have what follicular anthropologists refer to as ‘apache’ facial hair. Which is to say it’s rather patchy – hence the aforementioned weasel-like growth that I bravely cultivate throughout Movember, in support of men’s health awareness and my growing sense of humility.

Faced with another 30 days of barely contained horror from friends and family, I sought inspiration in the hirsute hijinks of men around the world. What I found filled me with pride, envy … and fear.

pictures: thinkstock

Touch my ‘stache What do you look for in a festival? Soulstirring music? Cultural enlightenment?

Freedom from prudish societal norms?

How about moustaches and heavy drinking? If the latter two sound like your sort of thing, then get thee hence

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The incumbents sit in a line opposite the new recruits with a bowl of sake between them, stroke one another’s moustaches and drink heavily. to the town of Sawara in Chiba, Japan.

Demonstrating that Japan was unique way before animated movies involving tentacles and coquettish glances, the 800-year-old Higenade-Matsuri festival takes place in January at the famous Katori Shrine, and marks the passing custodianship for the shrine from one year’s group to the next.

The incumbents sit in a line opposite the new recruits with a bowl of sake between them, stroke one another’s moustaches and drink heavily. It’s a bit more fun than just handing over the keys, isn’t it?

long and pulled to the side); Dali (slender with long tips, straight up or arching up); imperial (small and bushy with tips arching up); Hungarian (big and bushy, beginning from the middle of the upper lip and pulled to the side); and freestyle (all moustaches that do not match other classes).

In an ironic turn of events, Germany and the USA have emerged as the global powerhouses of moustachedom, with the greatest number of medals at the competition yo-yoing between the two nations over the years.

Moustachampions

Fourteen feet of facial foliage

The World Beard and Moustache Championships first took place in Höfen an der Enz, Germany, in 1990. Hosted by the World Beard and Moustache Association, the competition was held biennially until last year, now annually, and pits purveyors of fine facial hair against one another in a number of categories, which for moustaches include natural (styled without aids, not longer than 1.5cm beyond the upper lip); English (slender, beginning from the middle of the upper lip, with the hairs extremely

That’s right: 14ft. That’s 4.27m for South Africans raised on the metric system, or almost the length of a Honda Civic. It’s also the length of the upper-lip fuzz sported by Ram Singh Chauhan of India when he was declared the Guinness World Recordholder for the longest moustache in 2010. Rumours have it that it’s grown another four feet since then. Ram spends an hour a day combing and oiling his ‘stache – with his wife’s help.

Presumably he flosses her teeth in return.

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MOVEMBER | TRAVEL

Top 10 nations for moustache-lovers

Make the most of your mo Struggling to decide which moustache suits you best? The first step is determining what kind of mo you actually can grow. Those with more extravagant facial-hair growth will be able to produce more extravagant results, but that doesn’t mean that less-hirsute guys can’t get creative.

Then you need to ask: how much time do you want to put into your furry endeavour? Trimming, shaping and waxing all take time away from drinking industrial-strength beverages, rescuing kittens out of trees and carving ice sculptures with nothing but your bare hands. Just saying.

The pencil As popularised by Clark Gable, and de-popularised by John Waters, the pencil is a goodie for guys with … modest hair growth like mine. You have to have patience and a good eye for the styling. Use a safety razor to trim

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above and below the tache so it floats on your upper lip.

The imperial This will set you in good standing if you’re planning on flying to Austria next year to compete with the fuzziest in the world. Grow to the edges of your mouth (I mean, really let it grow), then brush upwards at the sides. It’s like wearing a pair of wings on your face.

The Dali As worn by the world’s most famous surrealist, and you have to be about as committed to craziness as he was to pull it off. Shave it to a pencil, then trim just outside of your nostrils.

Grow it out while trimming rigorously, then get yourself a 1kg tub of moustache wax and start twisting.

The Magnum This ‘stache honours the man who made moustaches (and Acapulco shirts) sexy: Tom Selleck.

You need thick, coarse hair to pull it off.

Grow it to the edges of your mouth, all to the same length, then trim above the mouth in a straight line. Now get out there and be a total badass.

The Magnum honours the man who made moustaches (and Acapulco shirts) sexy: Tom Selleck

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MOVEMBER | TRAVEL

A bristling business Struggling to transform your effeminate ferret into a grand old grizzly bear? Then perhaps you should consider a trip to Turkey. Famed for the impressive facial hair of its inhabitants, and already a popular medical tourism destination, Istanbul has seen demand for moustache transplants sprouting in the past couple of years.

Performed under local anaesthetic, the procedure involves removing clusters of hair from better-adorned parts of the body and implanting it along the upper lip. It’s become so popular that tour operators are now offering package deals, complete with accommodation. Just don’t expect to find one on the kulula.com website any time soon…

a pool going at the office, wash cars (sporting nothing but your luscious face fuzz) … every bit counts.

And if people ask you what that ferret is doing clinging valiantly onto your upper lip, tell them he’s there for a good cause.

Why grow your mo, bro?

Movember is an annual campaign where guys grow their moustaches to stimulate conversation around men’s health issues. The campaign has its origins in 2003 in Australia, when two friends decided that moustaches had been out of vogue for long enough, and resolved to grow theirs for the month of November. The following year, they needed an excuse to do it all over again, and picked a good one at that: raising awareness and money for prostate cancer.

Ten years down the line and Movember has official chapters in 21 countries around the world, and is celebrated in many more. To get involved, go to za.movember.com, register as a Mo Bro (or Mo Sista), donate if you can, or get others to sponsor your mo-growing endeavour.

Club in with a group of friends, get

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Un cag ed South Africa has an incredible range of dirt roads for the adventurous motorcyclist. Matt Davidson feels the wind in his hair, the grit in his teeth and the dirt beneath his wheels.

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ADVENTURE BIKING | TRAVEL

CAGERS: A WORD used by bikers to describe the others, the drivers of those four-wheeled vehicles. It’s a reference to the steel shell of a motor vehicle that encloses the driver in a protective bubble, a refuge of safety which restricts one’s ability to interact with the surroundings that frame a journey.

Off the beaten track lies an extensive network of dirt just waiting to be explored.

This is a guide to just a few of these peacefully winding roads, a surreal space where it is possible to truly be uncaged.

A Uitenhage morning: Cockscomb to Steytlerville The journey along this beautifully featureless road has the power to grip the senses and tease the mind. Days out here feel timeless, and soothing hours pass without more evidence than a ticking odometer and a trail of hardpack left behind in a streaming dust cloud.

The Cockscomb Road traverses the valley north of the Baviaanskloof at the foot of the Great Karoo. Cockscomb Peak towers away in the distance as you tear along.

To find this vast expanse of beauty, simply take the R75 out of Uitenhage.

About 17km out of the city centre, there is a dirt road that veers off northwest and a sign indicating Cockscomb Train Station.

For the next 125km, keep following your nose west; you’ll think you are lost, but shortly thereafter, a larger-than-life signpost signalling Steytlerville rises obviously out of the haze. Before you know it, you are slurping on juicy Karoo lamp chops with mint sauce at the Royal Hotel on Piet Retief Street.

Fact of the day: Steytlerville Main Street is unexpectedly wide, and while certainly not intended to alleviate the flow of rushhour traffic, was specifically designed way-back-when to allow an oxwagon to perform a U-turn.

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TRAVEL | ADVENTURE BIKING

MUNCHIES Park off at the Tavern for delicious fish and chips.

NATURE AT ITS FINEST Clarence Drive is one of the most scenic routes in the country.

A SIGHT TO BEHOLD Nothing beats seeing beautiful Mzansi from the back of a mean machine,

Mountain meets sea: Gordon’s Bay to Rooi-Els Less than an hour from Cape Town, a classic meander carves between the Hottentots Holland foothills and False Bay. Sun-baked mountains dominate the landscape, the sharp angles of the skyline contrasting with the sweeping bends of the tarmac. To the right, white horses rise from a bottomless blue basin to wrestle with the rocky coastline. This road is a syncopation of all of nature’s elements – it is perfect.

Getting there is an easy jaunt along the N2 out of Cape Town. Pass through

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Somerset West, taking the Gordon’s Bay/Kleinmond turnoff right along Sir Lowry’s Pass Road. Turn left onto the R44 Clarence Drive – surely one of the world’s most beautiful coastal roads – and enjoy. Once at Rooi-Els, you can either turn around and head back for a second helping, or continue onward towards Kleinmond.

No trip to Gordon’s Bay is complete without taking a visit to the bookshop on Beach Road. Then grab fish and chips at the Tavern in the harbour to top off a great day out. If you can handle more, Baden Powell Drive offers a more scenic alternative to the N2 on the way home.

Even if the thought of executing a roadside repair terrifies you, it’s a good habit never to leave the city limits without a basic toolkit. At the very least it should contain the following: • A screwdriver. I always keep one of those reversible ‘flat and star’ types on me.

• A small set of combination wrenches. Keep the common sizes for your ride, but as a minimum have sizes 10, 13 and 15 handy.

• An assortment of zip ties – always handy for attaching things that shouldn’t be detached.

• A small can of Q20 lubricant.

Not only does it lubricate creaky mechanisms, but it also displaces moisture. Handy for cleaning out that start button that won’t go.

• Cold hard cash. Some places in the sticks don’t take plastic. Stash a R100 note in your jacket for a rainy day – even if you never have to use it, it’ll be a nice surprise one day when you find it.

• A headlamp, useful for inspecting dark engine spaces, leaving your hands free to get dirty. A good one will last years – just remember to keep the batteries fresh.

pictures: matt davidson, steve eilertsen

Tooled up

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TRAVEL | ADVENTURE BIKING

Moreish Magaliesberg: the Hekpoort route Having had several billion years or so to practise, beauty comes somewhat naturally to the ancient peaks of the Magaliesberg. Just an hour out of Joburg, it gives the adventure biker a place to unwind the mind, wind up the throttle, and leave behind the worries of the rat race.

The route starts from the village of Skeerpoort, just west of Hartbeespoort Dam. A sign indicating Hollybrooke Farms marks the beginning of the R401 heading west. Follow this road all the way to Hekpoort, where it intersects with the R560. After a short stint of tar, take the R99 north and keep going until you eventually come to a stop sign. Turning left here takes you to an obvious right-hand turn, which will lead you on to Rustenburg Road. Drive for 5km west until you come to Vlakfontein Road, where a left turn south takes you towards the R509. At the T-junction, turn left and head on home via Magaliesburg, making sure to make a pit stop at Western Cane Trading for the biker’s breakfast. From start to finish, this route covers about 65km.

This region is littered with evidence that our primitive ancestors were also drawn here, as some of the oldest hominid fossils have been found in the Cradle of Mankind, a World Heritage Site just south of the mountains. If learning about the origins of humankind is the milk in your milk tart, be sure to stop by the Maropeng Visitor Centre on your way home.

One doesn’t simply ride a motorcycle, rather, one becomes a part of the machine.

It’s a vehicle that can take you on epic journeys across the country, but it can also take you deep within yourself.

For tips on safe riding on tar and dirt, check out flamesonmytank.co.za.

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Pre-ride check

Although your daily commute might entail little more than jumping on your bike and roaring off to work, a wise biker performs a quick inspection before heading too far from home.

• Tyres: Check your tyre pressures at least once a week. Your bike manual will tell you what they should be – ‘two bars all round’ won’t cut it here. Incorrect tyre pressures can lead to serious consequences. Check the tread for obvious punctures and damage.

• Engine fluids: Inspect your oil level and top up if necessary. The procedure for checking the oil will vary from bike to bike, so check your owner manual or online for specific instructions. If your bike is water-cooled, check your engine coolant level and top up with the correct fluid.

• Leaks around the engine: It’s normal for an engine to have some grease and grime on it, but keep an eye out for any obvious leaks.

• Chain lubrication: For maximum chain life and a smooth ride, keep your chain properly lubricated. Lubricate every 1 000km.

• Indicators, brake and headlights: Rough riding takes its toll on old-school incandescent bulbs. Before a big trip, ensure that all of your lights work. Keep an eye on your riding buddies’ lights and let them know when there is a fault – it could save their lives one day.

The Bandana Bike Run

The Bandana Bike Run motorcycle ride, organised by The Sunflower Fund in association with the MOTH Motorcycle Association and hosted by the Air Force Base Ysterplaat, takes place on 23 November. All funds raised from this event will be used by The Sunflower Fund to pay for new donors to join the South African Bone Marrow Registry, and help to build a registry representative of all ethnic races in order to help all patients find their donor match. For more information, contact 021 701 0661. To register as a donor, go to www.sunflowerfund.org.za.

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Heli on earth Camouflage, rifles, army tents and ‘rat packs’.

Trevor Crighton survives the local version of Tropic Thunder.

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ASSAULT TRAINING | BEHIND THE SCENES

YOU KNOW YOU’RE having an exciting Sunday when you can actually hear your heart beating in your ears. This is no mean feat, considering my heartbeat is audible over the racket from the rotor on a camouflaged Aérospatiale Alouette III helicopter – one of five flying in formation over fields full of startled cattle.

I’ve somehow found myself several hundred feet off the ground in a 1960s helicopter, wearing camouflage gear, with the strap of an R4 rifle looped over my shoulder. I’m clinging tightly to any available handhold as the pilot banks the door-less helicopter into a steep turn and heads for an open field, marked out by plumes of coloured smoke.

Mission possible The chopper sinks groundwards and skids to a halt. Bravo Company tumbles out and into a V formation, extending stocks on their rifles. Magazines on, safety off.

‘Form a line!’ shouts the company leader, bringing the four other companies to order as the helicopters rush skywards again.

Ahead lies the enemy camp. Our objective is to retrieve a cargo box from the heart of the camp and return to base with it.

Systematically, the line advances – crouch, fire, move, crouch, fire, move.

My rifle kicks into my shoulder with each round I fire, hot bullet casings streaming from it. Until they don’t – the trigger won’t yield and there’s no satisfying puff of smoke from the barrel of my gun.

Jam! A spent casing protrudes from the breech, blocking the bolt’s progress. Drop, pull the bolt, whack the magazine, fire again. All good.

The company leader calls a halt and orders the extraction team into the tent in the enemy camp, its defenders prone.

Back to my company with the load shared between two of us. More crouching, and a retreat as the other companies cover the

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ASSAULT TRAINING | BEHIND THE SCENES

The experience is the closest thing to a military operation a group of ‘civilians’ are likely to get flanks. Rotor beats signal the return of the helicopters, gliding over the hills as I try to push the opening bars of Ride of the Valkyries out of my head. They bounce to a standstill and the companies run towards them, heads bowed. In seconds, we’re up and away, mission accomplished.

pictures: supplied

Somewhat special ops The experience is the closest thing to a military operation a group of ‘civilians’ are likely to get. Run by Mantis Extreme and Group 73, the Heliborne Assault Operation is a weekend course that gives paying customers the chance to participate in a realistic ‘Ops Juliet’, with specialist training from a group of highly skilled individuals with extensive experience in specialised units such as the South African Special Forces, Police Special Task Force, Presidential Protection Unit, Police Dive Unit and Crime Scene Investigation.

The only course of its kind anywhere in the world, the weekend is spent doing intensive drills in firearm handling and safety, tactical fire and

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movement, helicopter familiarisation and safety, heliborne assault training, camouflage techniques and battlefield communications. The cartridge that jammed up my R4 was a blank and you won’t spend days digging pit latrines, but otherwise the course crams months of military training into a weekend. You’re hardly likely to lead a covert unit into battle after two days’ training, but you’ll know how to handle a gun, move in formation and not get carpaccioed by a helicopter.

The logistics list issued ahead of arrival delivered a few chilling veldschool memories for those old enough to remember the mandatory week-long school excursion to the depths of the Lowveld to be fed terrible food and spend an inordinate amount of time checking nobody had substituted your toothpaste with Deep Heat. ‘1x sleeping bag, pillow, torch, 3x pairs socks, 1x pair ankle-high boots, 1x bar toilet soap’ topped the list, along with – worryingly – ‘medical aid card’. No firearms, narcotics or alcohol are

READY, AIM, SHOOT You won’t be able to lead a squad after the Heliborne Assault Operation, but you’ll know how to handle a rifle.

allowed. It’s a weekend of adventure, not a bush-based blowout.

‘Please let the cargo box be filled with cold beers,’ was my mantra as my company advanced on the enemy camp, while the strap of my helmet forcibly tried to shift my chin towards my Adam’s apple.

No such luck. The Group 73 team takes safety very seriously. The instructors all bear amusing nicknames in the interests of protecting their identities, since some are still active operatives. There’s nothing quite like being shouted at by a shaven-headed man called Cupcake for not correctly securing your weapon, to remind you that you’re not playing games.

Base camp On arrival, we’re greeted by a row of drafty army tents, filled with rows of mattresses on boarding-school grade frames. On each bed, a pressed metal varkpan, a tactical helmet, a brown T-shirt, camouflage shirt and pants, and chest webbing with an alarming number of straps. The tents are arranged around a central fire, with

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ASSAULT TRAINING | BEHIND THE SCENES

BACK TO BASICS Upon arrival, participants are taken to the drafty sleeping quarters, complete with gear and boarding school bed.

THIS IS NO JOKE ‘Recruits’ are prepared for the morning’s adventures in the camp’s ‘classroom’, where war stories are also shared at night.

ablution facilities – a toilet, a shower powered by a wood-burning ‘donkey’ and a row of waist-high funnel-type arrangements – dug into the ground.

‘I hope I don’t have to explain what these are for,’ sniggers Otto, logistics manager and organiser, as he shows each new arrival around.

The opening night presentation in the ‘classroom’ – a cluster of hay bales arranged under a parachute – gives details on the weekend’s schedule and a history of the Alouettes. After that, war stories are told long into the night, as instructors relax enough to give censored glimpses into genuine battlefield experiences, and some participants hark back misty-eyed to long-ago compulsory military training.

Saturday sees the ‘recruits’ put through a number of drills, which are repeated until everyone is comfortable. Questions are encouraged, but slacking off is not.

Cupcake sees everything and isn’t afraid to shout – paying customer or not. In the afternoon, everyone comes together to apply their newfound skills into a battlefield simulation, which is the point

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when you realise that you suddenly have a lot to remember.

Army rations At lunch, you’re introduced to the ‘rat packs’ your uncle moans about when he gets slightly tipsy at family gatherings.

A far cry from those, though, these MRE (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) packs are specially imported for Group 73 and mirror exactly what American forces are issued with on operations. The food is filling and surprisingly tasty, with a hit being a heat pack that boils up packets of pasta, stew, or chicken and noodles in minutes, with the addition of just half a cup of water.

You’ll be surprisingly hungry after a day of doing camouflaged lunges through the fields outside Cullinan, and a packet of powdered pudding at the end seems like a great reward – especially in the absence of a frosty lager. They really are serious about the no-alcohol rule.

On Sunday morning, you’re up early and practising drills again. As the time for the operation draws nearer, you’re handed your own rifle for the first time and issued with a magazine of blank rounds.

RUN FOR COVER Despite the whole mission being staged, the organisers make sure you get the full experience of going to war.

At the staging area, excitement builds as weapons are checked, each company standing in front of their helicopter and trying to remember the instructions – and taking selfies in all of their gear, of course.

Mission accomplished The instruction comes in and it’s time to board. The sweet smell of avgas fills the field as the helicopters start up. A crackling instruction comes in over the radio and the Alouette tips forward at an impossible angle, almost dragging its nose in the dirt as the rotor hauls your company skywards and onwards to the drop zone.

Operation successful. Back at camp, the cargo box is opened to reveal a package of Group 73 coins – one for each participant, a time-honoured tribute to the Special Forces. At the end of the presentation, a cheer replaces applause as another box is opened. There’s cold beer, after all!

For more information about upcoming operations, visit www.group73.co or www.facebook.com/group73.co. The Heliborne Assault Operation costs R7 700 per person, all inclusive.

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ACTION | DRIVE

David Taylor takes the more-than-capable, more-thanmanly Range Rover Sport off the beaten track.

THE RANGE ROVER SPORT is one of those manly mobiles you can’t help but lust after. Just look at it; the car drips testosterone. If it were human, it’d be the offspring of Antonio Banderas and Bear Grylls.

So it looks terrific, particularly in the Chile Red you see here, but what’s it like to drive?

This one’s the supercharged 3.0-litre V6 with 250kW and 450Nm. There’s also a 5.0-litre supercharged V8 petrol, as well as some nice sensible diesel engine choices. If ever you have wanted a way to burn your life savings in fuel bills, the V8’s the way to go.

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Having driven both petrol engines, I’d suggest getting the supercharged V6, which blends performance and fuel economy nicely. During its week-long stay with me, the trip computer had 12.2L/100km on the readout. In reality, I’d think the average Range Rover Sport owner has enough pocket money to pay for the fuel.

Gadgets and cool technology are a big part of the Range Rover Sport.

The unit I had came with the attractive daytime running lights, high-quality leather seats (which are both heated and cooled), a heated steering wheel, cruise control, satellite navigation and a

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Mean dream machine

premium audio system from Meridian.

There are also screens built into the back of the headrests so the second row of passengers can watch movies. A nice set of Bluetooth headphones for each back passenger really shows you just how premium this product is. As for space, there’s room for five of your friends plus all their luggage.

Just because it’s a Range Rover Sport doesn’t mean it’s a pretentious city-slicker.

The Sport is more than capable when you head onto sand and mud and its Terrain Response System cleverly deals with the ruts. If things get really tough, you can increase the ground clearance using the car’s built-in air suspension and go and stalk a herd of wild animals, or whatever serious offroad enthusiasts do.

It’s one of those ultimate dream cars, and despite the perceptions that Range Rover Sports are owned only by English footballers who have more money than common sense, the vehicle actually is an excellent product. Forget your mid-life crisis sports car – what you really want is a Range Rover Sport.

The line-up starts at R893 200, while this particular orange Sport contains many optional extras and is estimated to cost around R1.3 million.

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Saltwater automobile

Lamborghini goes hybrid

While global car manufacturers are battling to make their petrol and diesel engines cleaner, more efficient and better for the environment, a car company has come up with a way to get power from saltwater. It’s called the Quant E-Sportlimousine and the engine works by using an electrolyte flow cell process to generate electricity. This electricity then drives the four wheels. It’s not slow either, with a claimed top speed of 350km/h.

Lamborghini is one of the last manufacturers to fold and bow to pressure from the eco brigade. Finally, the Audiowned Italian supercar maker has capitulated and built its first hybrid. Admittedly it’s still a concept for now, but the Lamborghini Asterion makes use of a 5.2-litre naturally aspirated V10 engine with 449kW combined with three electric motors, delivering 220kW. Performance is estimated at 3.0 seconds for the 0-100km/h sprint and a top speed of 320km/h. Eco indeed!

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DRIVE | ACTION

A force to be reckoned with

We’re a nation obsessed with power. Be it political or electrical, we South Africans love our power. This is true when it comes to cars too, so here’s a list of the most powerful cars currently sold in the country.

text david taylor; pictures: supplied

the fiver

FERRARI F12 BERLINETTA (545KW, 6.3-LITRE V12) This is the most powerful Ferrari sold in South Africa and, as a result, it’s not cheap. Expect to pay around R6 million.

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ROLLS-ROYCE WRAITH (465KW, 6.6-LITRE TWINTURBOCHARGED V12)

With literally hundreds of customisation options, there’s a really good chance that no two modern Rolls-Royce Wraiths are the same. The only way to get one is second-hand.

FERRARI FF (486KW, 6.3-LITRE V12 ENGINE) The FF is the first Ferrari to use innovative technology such as four-wheel drive.

MCLAREN 650S (478KW, 3.8-LITRE V8 TWIN-TURBO)

This McLaren is the ultimate in race engineering applied to a road car. It’s even faster than the McLaren F1 from the early 1990s – in its day the world’s fastest car.

LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR LP700-4 (515KW, 6.5-LITRE V12 ENGINE)

Despite its large dimensions, the Aventador weighs about the same as a Volkswagen Golf, thanks primarily to an all carbon-fibre body.

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PROPERTY | STUFF

It’s getting

hot in here…

Kerry Hayes says that, to keep cool this summer, you don’t have to take off all your clothes…

LIKE THE GREASE movie gone bad, ‘those summer nights’ can end up with you feeling hot and bothered, covered in mozzie bites and wishing you had invested in a citronella candle.

Summer is a wonderful season in South Africa – hot, balmy, with liquid blue skies, and you lounging in the sun by the pool. But the heat can also lead to dehydration, heat stroke and extreme discomfort, which is why it is so important to have the summer tool kit (or cool kit) to keep your home (and you) chilled throughout the hot season.

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Tool 1: Be blown away Get an air conditioner. Your choice of unit will depend on the size of your room, how quickly you want the room cooled (meaning more power/electricity is used), noise factor and various other elements.

You can get split, cassette, ducted split, and floor-standing air conditioners (one of my favourites is Samsung’s Q9000, which is based on the aerodynamic design of a jet engine to generate a more powerful, efficient wind – high-tech stuff!). Or go the whole hog and install a full home aircon system with individual room control.

Some brands even offer air conditioners with changeable art facades!

A product that is just peeping around the corner of the market is the ‘absorption chiller’, a solar-powered aircon introduced by a Chinese company. This is yet to be introduced in South Africa.

Tool 2: Wrap up Insulation is one of the key ways to keep your home cool in summer. Doubleglazing your windows regulates solar heat gain from the outside, keeping your home cooler in summer – and saving you

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PROPERTY | STUFF

SHUTTER ISLAND Shutters help keep the heat out. Open them wide on a breezy day to invite cool air in.

pictures: supplied

COUNTING SHEEP We’ve cottoned on to cool linen: go natural with cotton to keep you cool while sleeping.

up to 50% on energy spent regulating the temperature of your home.

Or install shutters over your windows, and keep them closed during the day.

Shutters allow you to control ventilation while at the same time, manage natural light and warmth entering your home.

Aluminium shutters reflect heat away from the window or façade, reducing the need to mechanically cool your home.

Add a low solar-absorption coating to the shutter and you’ve just given your shutters super powers.

The home can be compared to a living person: it gains and loses most of its heat through its head. So installing radiant barriers underneath your roof tiles or metal roof sheeting, will reflect up to 97% of the heat transferred through the roof, keeping your home cooler.

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CRAZED AND GLAZED Double glazing the glass around your home insulates it against the heat.

But for an instant cool-off, jump into the pool.

Tool 3: Dim the lights In addition to switching off the lights in all rooms except the one that you are in (as lighting generates a substantial amount of heat), replace your incandescent bulbs with high-efficiency, low-heat CFL or LED blubs. These are more eco-friendly and last longer. And consider celebrating Earth Hour more frequently – Mother Nature will love you for it and your home will enjoy the cool-down.

Tool 4: Go natural And I’m not referring to your birthday suit.

Natural fabrics like lightweight cotton or cotton blends for your bed linen are breathable and excellent for promoting ventilation and airflow. This is one case where thread count doesn’t, um, count.

The higher the thread count, the less air

can pass through the sheets. Give this tool a boost by getting cotton sheets in light colours. The universal rule applies: dark colours absorb light (heat) and light colours reflect it. So any heat present in your room will affect your sheets.

Tool 5: The simple things • Plant trees around your house. The shade produced wards off a lot of solar energy, keeping your home cooler.

• Fill a bowl with ice, place it near your bedside and allow a fan to blow the cooled air over you. This imitates an aircon, cooling you down. If this doesn’t work, employ the Ice Bucket Challenge.

• Pop your sheets and pillows into the freezer for 40 minutes before you go

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PROPERTY | STUFF

Water conducts and absorbs heat far more than air, so a water bed will feel cool in practically all weather to bed. Or use pillows filled with rice or buckwheat, which don’t retain as much heat as foam or down.

• Do you have a waterbed on your bucket list? Well, here’s a really good reason to get one. Water conducts and absorbs heat far more than air, so a water bed will feel cool in practically all weather.

• Turn off electronics. Even when not in use, electronics generate an amount of heat.

• Put off the chores. You heard me!

Appliances like dishwashers and tumble dryers generate heat and humidity, so try to keep these chores for the evening when possible.

• Those with resilient taste buds are one-up here. Eating spicy food increases perspiration, which cools the body as it evaporates. It can also cause an endorphin rush that can make you forget about the heat.

And when all else fails, hop in the swimming pool – or if you don’t have one, recapture your youth and run through the garden hose spray – then hop back into bed. Or grab your blanket and pillow and enjoy a night out under the stars. Just remember to light up your citronella candle!

For more inspiring decor and home ideas, go to www.sahomeowner.co.za.

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Make an underfoot update Check out these five trendy wood-like flooring applications:

• Quite on trend, cork flooring is an eco-friendly option to consider when looking at what to choose for your flooring. Offering underfoot comfort and a distinctive look, cork flooring has great thermal and acoustic qualities.

• If you have a love for wooden flooring, but on a strict budget, then bamboo flooring is exactly what you need. Available in an array of colours, bamboo flooring is eco-friendly and hypoallergenic, making it a great pick if you have a family.

• A popular choice among home owners, laminate flooring is an economical alternative to solid wood. Providing the look of solid wood, laminate is durable, scratch and stain resistant.

• Wood-like tiles are the latest craze. With all the benefits of a ceramic or porcelain tile paired with the aesthetic beauty of wood. Wood-like tiles can be used almost anywhere, from the bathroom to the exterior of your home.

• For the ultimate in luxury flooring, look no further than solid wood. Available in a variety of different hardwoods, from Kiaat to teak, solid wood flooring complements any style of home – whether it’s modern or classic.

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MONEY MATTERS | STUFF

How to make mo’ sun shine on your business Social media is a great, inexpensive platform to market your business, but Katherine Graham points out the dos and don’ts when going about it.

picture: istock

IT CAME AS a shock to award-winning author Maria Phalime when she realised she would need to market her book, Postmortem: The Doctor Who Walked Away. ‘The days of publishers doing all the promotional activity for authors are long gone,’ she says. ‘Self-publishing has resulted in a very crowded marketplace – millions of books are published each year, so authors have to master the social media tools that will enable them to be seen and heard.’

To build this platform, she’s created her own website, set up a social media presence on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn and writes weekly blog posts and newsletters. ‘The idea is to build loyal fans of my work and to grow my personal brand,’ Maria says.

She isn’t the only one who’s cottoning on to the benefit of social media marketing. Over the past year, the number of YouTube and Instagram users in South Africa has increased by 53% and 65% respectively, according to the SA Social Media Landscape 2015 Study. These figures point to internet users’ preference for video and image-rich content. As Arthur Goldstuck, MD of World Wide Worx, put it in a recent Bizcommunity article: ‘We’re seeing the beginning of the visual revolution in online usage in South Africa.’

Engage with your audience The survey also revealed that SA corporates are leveraging social media marketing like never before, with most

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of the major brands using Twitter and Facebook, while YouTube and Instagram are likely to see the biggest first-time use by brands in 2015.

Content marketing and influencer marketing are the two strongest trends that are emerging as the market matures.

‘It is a myth that the number of followers you have on social media is the main thing – it’s not,’ explains Lynne Smit of Hippo Communications. ‘The main thing is the level of engagement and how that engagement converts to revenue for your business.’

So how do you engage with your audience? By regularly posting content that is eye-catching, relevant and sustains their interest. ‘Always remember that social media is not advertising,’ says media personality Kriya Gangiah. ‘It should be used to create a community, not to generate a “hard sell”.’

Lynne agrees: ‘If you use social media to build relationships and to share advice and information, it will work very well for you.’

The dos and don’ts of social media marketing Here’s some helpful advice from Edith Kennedy, coordinator of the Small Business Academy at the University of Stellenbosch Business School.

• Build a recognisable brand across all of your social media platforms.

• Have a strategy to post to the right audience with the right message at the right time.

• Have fun – social media is less serious than advertising.

• Interact with your followers and answer questions.

• Do not spam!

• Don’t overdo it – rather use short, visually attractive messages.

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Food for thought – and your tummy

HEALTH | STUFF

There’s more in your kitchen than just supper.

Sunburn SOS

text: annie brookstone; pictures: supplied

If an afternoon tending the braai out in the scorching summer sun has left you feeling a little more crispy than you’d like, try one of these home remedies to treat your sunburnt skin: • Place a cool compress on the affected area (if nothing else, hold your cold glass of Klippies and Coke to your red cheeks while you kick yourself for not wearing sunscreen).

• Take a cool bath with a cup of cider vinegar added to the water to balance the pH and promote healing. You might smell like old socks afterwards, but with any luck, it’ll keep the mozzies away.

• If you’re more of a tea man, apply cooled black tea with a clean cloth to the affected areas for more pH-balancing benefits.

• Chill cucumbers (a natural analgesic), blitz in a blender and apply to your burnt face. It makes a nifty dip for your chips too.

• Now that you’re done applying the kitchen to your skin, take an over the counter painkiller, such as Ibuprofen, and use a vitamin E supplement to reduce inflammation.

SMOOTH OPERATOR The nice thing about summer is that you can drink away all your problems. No bru, not like that. We all know fruit and veggies cure ills, yet most of us don’t manage to get enough of them in our diets. The solution?

Smoothies, of course. Here are three to try out for yourself...

1 Banana ginger Good for: upset tummies, nausea, heartburn (in other words, last night’s babalas) Method: Blend together one sliced banana, ¾ cup vanilla yogurt, one tablespoon honey and half a teaspoon freshly grated ginger. Serves two.

2 Pineapple Perfection Good for: satisfying your sweet cravings the healthy way.

Method: Blend together one cup low-fat vanilla yoghurt and six

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ice cubes, pulsing as needed.

Slow down your blender and add one cup pineapple chunks and blend until smooth. Serves one (trust us, you’ll want this all to yourself).

3 Super C Good for: giving your immune system a boost, thanks to a healthy dose of vitamin C. Method: Blend together 1¼ cups cold apple juice, one ripe banana (sliced), one kiwifruit (sliced), five frozen strawberries and 1½ teaspoons honey.

Serves four.

You get what you pay for Really want to enjoy that end-ofyear party buffet? Go for the more expensive option. Not because it’s necessarily better, as it turns out. A new study published in the Journal of Sensory Studies has revealed that when charged more for an all-you-caneat buffet, diners rated the food higher than when charged less for the same food. We call them food snobs.

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STUFF | COLUMN

Hair today, gone tomorrow

BEARD-SPORTING HIPSTERS may think they discovered facial hair, but essentially they’re mere slaves to the fashion gods who – having grown bored with cleanshaven, plucked-eyebrow metrosexuality – used the media to invoke their cult of fur-faced, lumberjack-inspired manliness.

While modern man’s rugged look is gleaned from the pages of glossy magazines packed with double-page adverts for plaid shirts and advice on personal grooming, there are many places in the world where facial hair has always been deeply embedded in the culture, often with links to a higher power. Sometimes it signals one’s place in the social hierarchy or is a symbol of religious fraternity.

In India, the shape of a Hindu man’s moustache was traditionally indicative of caste. Only the upper echelons were permitted to wear ’staches with upward-pointing tips – untouchables and subservient castes had to have downwardfacing moustaches, lest their aspirations, like their facial hair, reach too high.

Traditionally, Sikh men do not cut their hair at all, instead covering it with a turban that is a mark of faith. These devout Sikh men also always carry a special comb, called a kanga, used to keep their uncut, god-given hair disentangled.

This might explain why it was in Amritsar, home of the Sikh’s treasured

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Golden Temple, that I underwent my most peculiar haircut ever. It’d been months since a particularly awful butchering by a barber in Chennai, but I was ready to try my luck again and so ventured into the salon of the town’s only five-star hotel.

My stylist was young, reasonably hip, and very enthusiastic, but after many minutes of fluffing his fingers through

my blonde mop, he said: ‘To be honest, hairdressing is merely an interim vocation.’

He didn’t want to cut hair at all and was merely holding down the job while deciding between art school and engineering. He was also too scared to cut my hair. Having teased and combed my locks for another half hour, he announced that my ‘white hair is most troublesome, and too fine for cutting’. It would require much patience, he said.

And so, two hours later, I knew his entire

life story, his hopes, dreams, ambitions and favourite Bollywood actors, but instead of a haircut, he’d resorted to shaving my day-old stubble.

There and then I decided to discard my personal razor and instead find a barber whenever I needed a shave. India has hair-cutters in abundance and I soon learnt that, even in the most dishevelled roadside barbershop, ‘just a shave’ is invariably followed by a rigorous headand-neck massage, after which you’re so immaculately blissedout, you happily hand over 10 times the initial cost of the shave.

In the holy town of Pushkar, following a shave and particularly enthusiastic head-neckshoulder-and-back massage, I once told my barber I’d be back the following day at the same time, and then tipped him far too generously. I arrived as promised, only to discover a queue of barbers, each keen to demonstrate his services. One by one they executed elaborate massage techniques on my scalp and neck until I eventually lifted my head and said I really wanted a shave.

‘Impossible!’ I was told, ‘the gods have decreed that you must grow your moustache.’ Which made me realise that their gods obviously read all the same magazines as the hipsters back home.

illustration: pete woodbridge

Keith Bain gets his groom on.

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