Jerk November 2012

NOVEMBER 2012 VOL XII ISSUE II SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

CONTENTS NOVEMBER 2012 5 FROM THE EDITOR

6 7 8 9

10 11

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Politics needs more educated discussion, and less tweets.

FEEDBACK PEEPS JERK THIS BACKDROP Rosamond Gifford Zoo's Asian Elephant Preserve WEB SHOUT OUT TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL Black Friday OBITCHUARY Kimmel

18 LEFT IN THE DARK Saying that no gang violence exists doesn't make it true.

20 20 ANTI SOCIAL MEDIA Get lost down the Reddit-hole.

21 A NOVEL IDEA The book is always better.

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28 RED, WHITE & GREEN 60 SYNAPSE

Ursula Rozum provides voters with an alternative to the two party system.

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The Forbidden Fruit.

61 DISCOVERSYR Syracuse Real Food Co-op

62 SPEAKEASY

44

13 FRAMED

Hot Dog King

64 FORM AND FUNCTION

Lea Cook, Untitled

44 STITCH

How to Dress Like A Bouncer.

Infinity Scarves

33 NOVEMBER 2012 VOL XII ISSUE II

33 FUNNY BUSINESS

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14 FAILING GRADES

22 ANIMAL SPIRITS

16 ALL IN THE FAMILY Why Michelle Obama isn't what our country needs in 2016.

your student fee

50

A professional clown, Coco puts smiles on kids' faces.

14 Syracuse City Schools can't keep up.

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK

Janet Ridgeway gives voices to a variety of animals from termites to domesticated friends.

50 PEEVED

46 36 LEAVES OF CHANGE Women turn heads this fall in chic menswear that says "I don't give a damn."

SU's greatest gripes.

46 The MiGGZ Tapes Life on the road with Matt Migliorelli.

56 REWIND 58 AMPLIFIED Brandon Strouse

59 SEX COLUMN Pee & Blow-up Dolls

FROM THE EDITOR Christina Sterbenz EDITOR

Kelly Peters EXECUTIVE EDITOR EDITORIAL

Megan Griffo ASST. FEATURES EDITOR Melissa Goldberg ARTS & MUSIC EDITOR Shea Garner ASST. ARTS & MUSIC EDITOR Daisy Becerra OPINIONS EDITOR Rob Marvin ASST. OPINIONS EDITOR Sarah Schuster STYLE EDITOR Noah Silverstein STYLE EDITOR Victoria Troxler RESEARCH EDITOR Laura Cohen COPY EDITOR Lauryn Botterman COPY EDITOR Leigh Miller INTERN Gauraa Shekhar FEATURES EDITOR

DESIGN

Alex Vitale Chris Guimarin DESIGNERS Devry Drosky, Tierney Latella, Alex LoGrasso, Talia Roth CREATIVE DIRECTOR DESIGN DIRECTOR

ART

Gabi Hastings Alyssa Greenberg PHOTOGRAPHERS Rachel Fisher, Brian Brister, Altan James, Kristina Subsara ILLUSTRATORS Jaycee Checo, Esther Coonfield, Adam Day, Jack McGowen, Hansol Kim, Kelsey Lima ILLUSTRATION DIRECTOR

PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

WEB

Nicole Fisher WEB EDITOR Joelle Hyman WEB RESEARCHER Charlotte Stockdale BLOG EDITOR Charlie Ecenbarger BLOG EDITOR Julia Fuino EXECUTIVE WEB EDITOR

PODCAST

Charlie Ecenbarger Julia Fuino, Lakota Sky Gambill, Victoria Kezra, Melissa Nawokski, Chelsey Perry EXECUTIVE PRODUCER PODCAST STAFF

CONTRIBUTORS MULTIMEDIA

Ausrine Plioplys Elise DeLoy, Rosie Angelo, Sara Easterling

MULTIMEDIA DIRECTOR MULTIMEDIA STAFF

BUSINESS

Nicole Inniss AD DIRECTOR Patrick Brennan REPRESENTATIVES Meghan Burns, Nikeya Alfred, Perri Fetner, Elizabeth Pisarenko PUBLISHER

AD

Max Berkowitz, Zerina Buljabasic, Hannah Burch, Evan Catlett, Kristen Celo, Lea Cook, Samantha Cooper, Rachel Fisher, Lara Gould, Sabrina Har-Dof, Sean Horan, Taylor Janney, Lizzy Kahn, Leah Khatib, Alex Kuzoian, Judy Lee, Emmie Martin, Emma McAnaw, Matt Migliorelli, Genny O’Fallon, Meg O’Malley, Nancy Oganezov, Kayla Rice, Heather Rounds, Sheridonna Wilson-Bedell, Annie Zhang, Shelby Zink

Jerk is dedicated to enhancing insight through communication by providing an informal platform for the freedom of expression. The writing contained within this publication expresses the opinions of the individual writers. The ideas presented in this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Jerk Editorial Board. Furthermore, Jerk will not be held responsible for the individual opinions expressed within. Submissions, suggestions, and opinions are welcomed and may be printed without contacting the writer. Jerk reserves the right to edit or refuse submissions at the discretion of its editors. Jerk Magazine is published monthly during the Syracuse University academic year. All contents of the publication are copyright 2012 by their respective creators. No content may be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the Jerk Editorial Board. This magazine was made possible with the support of Campus Progress, a project of the Center for American Progress, online at CampusProgress.org.

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Dear Political Posers, I can smell your fear—the fear that someone wants to discuss an issue you didn’t peruse in 140 characters earlier that morning. Reading the first few lines of a New York Times article doesn’t make you an expert on the conflict in Syria, the Affordable Care Act, or any other hot button topic. In fact, skimming information and then feigning knowledge in conversation makes you an asshole.

I don’t know when politics changed from a democratic responsibility to a means of social relevance, but the shift infuriates me.

Yes, I giggled as Romney slandered Big Bird on national television. I even retweeted a few zingers. But when Obama shocked the public by agreeing with Romney’s views on social security, tweeters hid under their covers. They probably didn’t think enough of their follower would favorite that. Or they didn’t want to risk exposure by commenting with any substance.

Now, many of you do research. You know the issues and have opinions on them but only use politics as a superficial icebreaker—a discussion so mild and unspecific no one gets offended. You share the blame just as much. When we refuse to view the election with a critical eye, we give candidates permission to pussy out. Engaged, maybe even enraged, conversation creates a more informed constituency. When voters know the issues, they can force candidates to admit their position—and stick to it.

So this election, don’t fear voicing your opinion. Remember when our parents said, "Don't discuss politics in polite company?" Yeah, ignore that. Disagreement creates better policies, making people more prepared for the polls. But also don’t dread saying, “I don’t know” if someone introduces a topic unfamiliar to you. Pretending you understand the intricacies of an issue only perpetuates misinformation. We have enough of that. Thanks.

Peace, love, and politics,

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FEEDBACK

OCTOBER 2012 VOL XII ISSUE I

PEEPS Ah, Thanksgiving break—while you lie motionless in the bliss of your tryptophan coma, toss aside the wishbone and send us some love. But in the meantime, here's what reader's had to say with candy corn in their systems:

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

Brittany Leitner @britariail Lolz at the @jerkmagazine hate on froyo when a Yogurtland ad covers their inside cover page. Go magazine ethics!!

Oct 16 Heather Newkirk @heathernewkirk Also, SO HAPPY @jerkmagazine has jumped on the #Spotify wagon. Consider me subscribed.

Oct 16 Lauren Murphy @laurenmurphypho Syracuse women, in the latest issue of @jerkmagazine, saying no to Valentine's Day gifts is compared to saying no to rape. #Speechless.

Oct 16

TAP THIS Jerk Magazine 126 Schine Student Center Syracuse, NY 13244

jerk@jerkmagazine.net jerkmagazine.net

Michelle Breidenbach @mbreidenbach @jerkmagazine Picked up a copy at Freedom of Espresso.

Enjoyed a visit to campus through your eyes.

Oct 16

LIZZY KAHN

MAX BERKOWITZ

Lizzy Kahn wants to sit down with John Lennon.

Max Berkowitz was a child celebrity. Not really,

“It’d be interesting to hear his thoughts about

but he did model as a baby in an ice cream store

the way the world is going,” she explains.

ad. “My career didn’t blow up after that,” he says.

The sophomore from Los Angeles is a music

“Nobody saw it.” The senior finance major and

fiend. When she’s not studying advertising and

president of SU's National Sportscaster and

entrepreneurship

enterprises,

Sportswriters Association makes another go at

she’s listening to her current favorite band, Tame

it though—check out his sweet skills in Form &

Impala. See Kahn put that dual major to use in

Function on page 64.

and

emerging

her interview with Brandon Strouse on page 58.

PJ Alampi @ItsaPJ Well this is awkward... @ErinDalo #RAProblems @JerkMagazine http://instagr.am/p/Q06x7oFGtW/ Oct 15 sarah mc @sfleish @baschach Humphrey lowbrows on some jerk mag @ THE 604 http://instagr.am/p/Q3vwc5vumD/ Oct 17

ALEX KUZOIAN

EMMIE MARTIN

Alex Kuzoian is from small-town Newington,

Emmie Martin will steal your spoons. The Texas

Conn., but he has his sights set on Hollywood. The

native and her roommate made a game out of

aspiring actor, a sophomore television, radio, and

collecting utensils from parties they go to. “We've

film major, loves Goodfellas and Martin Scorsese.

gotten really good at it,” she says. Thankfully, the

He’s double-jointed in just his right thumb, but

junior magazine journalism major kept her sticky

“it’s not really a talent,” he says. “I don’t know if I

fingers to herself while exploring the Syracuse

do anything cool.” Jerk begs to differ. For his take

Real Food Co-op. See her discoveries on page 61.

on political dynasties, flip to page 16.

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NOVEMBER THIS MONTH'S JERK-APPROVED EVENTS Kaki King ft. Lady Lamb the Beekeeper at The Westcott Theater

1

Charlie Murphy and the Landmark Theatre

Rolling Stone hailed Kaki King, a Brooklyn-based guitarist and composer as “a genre unto herself.” She’s performed with icons like Foo Fighters and Timbaland.

And remember that freakishly talented boy from August Rush? Yeah, his guitarstrumming hand double was Kaki King. Doors open at 7:00 p.m - for only $15.

5

The Rick James skits on Chappelle’s Show immortalized Eddie Murphy’s big bro. But his real self is pretty impressive too—the guy can nail a stand-up set. Maybe Chappelle will run onstage and slap him in the face for old time’s sake? The show starts at 7:30 p.m.

Fifth Annual Syracuse Beer Week

Wine Toast Comedy Roast

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A frat boy’s delight: over 100 beer tastings, pubcrawls, seminars, food and beer pairings, and other events all over the county.

Follow @syracusebeerguy for updates on all the brew-filled events throughout the week.

Oh you fancy, huh? Head down to the Finger Lakes for a traditional wine tour with a comedic twist. But don’t expect a cheap date—tickets go for $100 a pop including transportation, tastings at multiple wineries, and a professional comedian as a tour guide.

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3 -11

Lights on the Lake at Onondaga Lake Park Curling up next to your heating vent is not the only romantic wintertime destination. Take a drive through Onondaga Lake Park’s two-mile wonderland. For $8 per car ($12 on weekends) witness life-size spectacles and fun themed displays, because it’s never too early to get pumped for the holidays.

National Unfriend Day

25-26

#OCCUPYXMAS Black Friday is so mainstream.

Hang with the cool kids in protest of hyperconsumerism that has manifested into greed! You’ll live without that shiny, new pair of shoes.

Think about that annoying girl from high school you secretly hated who still bitches about her lame problems on your newsfeed.

Poof—now she’s gone.

Jimmy Kimmel created this glorious day two years ago so all Facebook users can guiltlessly unfriend their frenemies. Just don’t delete us. Seriously.

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Charlie Murphy. unrealitymag.com. 18 Oct 2012; Kaki King. musicnerdery.com.18 Oct 2012; Syracuse Beer Week. frederickbeer.com. 18 Oct 2012; Lights on the Lake. bordeaux-undiscovered.co.uk. 18 Oct 2012; National Unfriend Day. tboextra.com. 18 Oct 2012; #occupyxmax. 365waysprogram.com 18 Oct 2012

JERK THIS

BACKDROP Rosamond Gifford Zoo’s Asian Elephant Preserve Two tons of trunks require a lot of care.

"We all do have our favorites. It’s normal that each keeper connects with a certain one or two,” Kurtz says.

"They eat around 100 to 150 pounds of food per day." Kurtz adds, "But they only disgest about 60 percent of that. Carrots and apples are their main produce.”

“It's definitely not an easy job. You never let your guard down. Even though we work with them everyday, these are still wild animals,” explains Kurtz.

By Kelly Peters : Photos by Kayla Rice Mounds of manure flank the stainless steel bars. Keepers shovel tomorrow morning’s breakfast from the hayloft above. Calls echo from trunks and reverberate on the cement walls like speakers with the bass turned up. At the Rosamond Gifford Zoo’s Asian elephant 4-acre exhibit, human and animal interaction transcends the species barrier.

These mammoth mammals, seven in all, roam their barn with giddy ease. Mother and daughter Romani and Kirina nuzzle each

other in a gated yard, while youngster Little Chuck prances around the outdoor exhibit, uprooting grass and flowers with fluid yanks of his 4-year-old trunk.

Meanwhile, ten thousand-pound male Indy hides in the barn, waiting and sometimes trying to coax keepers like Ashley Kurtz to offer a carrot, apple, or even a jelly bean. And it's not just the pachyderms who are pals. The keepers have a tight bond too. "We definitely are kind of like a family here," Kurtz says. JM

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WEB SHOUT OUT

SCAN ME

TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL Jerk has a lot of thanks to give this month. First and foremost— our fantastic web team. Head online for mouth-watering content.

The ultimate test of a true shopping champion.

Every year after Turkey Day, droves of shoppers flock to shopping emporiums across America. Wooed

BLOG

by slashed retail prices, Americans load up on holiday gifts. Their presence generates endless lines,

WEB

Can’t wait until Turkey Day to chow down? Take a hint

Last month, we popped our Spotify cherry. While most

from gustatory gals Meredith Mendosa and Shelby

listeners gave postive feedback, we're always looking

Hilt, Jerk’s very own “Foodie Review” bloggers. They

for ways to improve. This time around, readers can

dish about where to get your grub around campus.

get in on the action. Check out our Reader's Choice

Bears, Ravens, Bengals—wondering what all the

playlist where a simple click-and-drop will let your

zoo animal references are this fall? Jerk was too.

voice—and song du jour—be heard. Find a link to our

So we hired some sports bloggers who, in addition

Spotify account on jerkmagazine.net.

overflowed parking lots, and more than a few scuffles. Jerk polled 50 students in Bird Library about their gift choices, game plan, and shopper’s rage about that fateful Friday.

commentary on all happenings on and off the field.

Only one obstacle stands between you and your half-priced favorite outfit: that bitch.

What do you do?

20% Casually trip her—While they eat floor tiles, you

Here’s your excuse to turn off John Madden—you

bring home the gold.

know you want to.

16% Play dirty—Hair pulling, below-the-belt shots.

to introducing us to that “N-F-L” thing, also kick off

All’s fair in love and shopping.

BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE GAWK FASHION SHOOT:

24% Distract her—“Is that Anna Wintour?”

40% Pussy out—I’m not dying for a pair of shoes.

Which companion do you bring on this perilous quest?

Mom—She’s been at this for years. Who better to deck out those pushy bitches?

Best girl friend—Lord knows she’s got the catfight

TECH-UPDATE Set down your brass knuckles and nunchucks—battling for that last copy of Jerk is a thing of the past. Each new issue of Jerk is now available online in an interactive PDF version. Flip through the pages as if you actually have your own bloodstained copy in hand.

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Yorkie. flickr.com.18 Oct 2012; Grandma. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012; Mom. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012; friend. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012

thing down.

Puppy—Use his cuteness as a distraction. And if

Black Friday needs: 6% A play-by-play—“Oh, that’s gotta hurt.”

16% An umpire—You’ll need an impartial call on who really touched that iPhone first.

48% Free coffee—I woke up at 4:00 a.m. for this?

30% Shopping caddy—Instead of golf clubs, this little

that doesn’t work, barter.

dude carries around your new goodies.

What time do you get up for Black Friday?

Which one of these deals do you wish existed?

Grams—No one’s gonna mess with a little old lady.

Who needs light to bargain shop, you

14% $2 for Taylor Swift to write a song about your ex.

can smell the deals.

54% $5 for Heidi Klum’s personal trainer.

Your trampling skills surpass most,

14% $7 for a dose of Walter White’s badassness.

so you don’t mind the lines.

18% $10 for 30 minutes with Kate Upton.

It’s going to suck regardless. Might as well get your beauty rest.

Fuck sleeping, rest when you’re dead—or stampeded over.

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OBITCHUARY

FRAMED

Kimmel Food Court

1992-2012

By Taylor Janney

CAUSE OF DEATH: SU FOOD SERVICES

Kimmel Food Court, SU’s go-to food spot for all drunk cravings, passed away earlier this fall from an unexpected and unwanted renovation.

Every weekend, Kimmel, 20, fed thousands of sloshed partygoers, stumbling through her doors in search of greasy bliss. She first survived a tough loss of popcorn chicken when the university axed KFC in 2011, but the summer eradication of Taco Bell and Burger King proved too much to bear. Kimmel was pronounced dead at the start of this semester.

In her prime, Kimmel left no student behind, opening her doors to all with an SU ID. Frat bros and costumed sorority girls with post-party-munchies, all-nighter nerds in need of a snack, and theater geeks hungry after a long rehearsal—all found solace in the arms of a Crunchwrap Supreme. Now the masses roam wearily around Syracuse nightlife with fully loaded SUpercards and nowhere to swipe them.

The sacred Bell of Tacos no longer rings, and the Whopper has fallen off the griddle.

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When the university’s franchise agreements with our beloved fast-food chains expired, SU Food Services replaced them with Queso’s and Trios—“concept restaurants” providing students with healthier meal options and ingredients. But they can’t control the noticeable hike in prices. Never in history have college students preferred a healthier option to saving a few bucks, especially when they’re blacked out.

Students weren’t told. They weren’t consulted. SU Food Services gutted the helpless food court and left her to die a slow, “healthy” death. “We will forever mourn the loss of our beloved Burger King and Taco Bell. Kimmel will never be the same. My thoughts and prayers are with all the lives that she touched throughout her time here at Syracuse,” senior Ben Holtzman says.

Never again will he and the 20,829 students surviving Kimmel feel the unbridled joy of unwrapping a freshly grilled Whopper Jr. at 2 a.m. and biting off a juicy chunk of beef. JM

Untitled

By Lea Cook Sculpture "I went to Italy in the Fall of 2011, and I was surrounded by amazing classical sculpture. I thought it would only make sense to show my appreciation for classical art through my love for creating and building. This piece depicts my curiosity of the human experience as in human expression and how people portray their natural instinctive state of mind through subtle facial expression. The face reveals the untamed expression that leaks out through appearance."

— Lea Cook Showcase your work in Framed. Email art@jerkmagazine.net.

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Last year only half of Syracuse City School District seniors graduated. This year, the system fights back with a radical five-year plan.

By Rob Marvin : Illustration by Esther Coonfield Students move through school systems like cars on an assembly line. They gradually accumulate all the knowledge, skills, and tools they need to become productive members of America’s future—collecting all the intricate parts of a finished product.

Students follow endless paths. But some districts, like Syracuse, possess seriously faulty conveyor belts, pumping out scores of defective vehicles destined to crash.

For years, the SCSD has been one of the most underperforming, problematic districts in the state. Stretched budgets create overworked teachers and overcrowded classrooms. Countless students drift unprepared from grade to grade before inevitably dropping out. Last year, seven out of 10 high school students failed their Algebra 2/Trigonometry regents. Syracuse scores far below the other districts in New York’s “Big 5:” Buffalo, Rochester, Yonkers, and New York City. The SCSD needs sweeping, comprehensive change, and Superintendent Sharon Contreras believes the district’s new strategic five-year plan is the “roadmap that will guide education transformation.” Whatever that means.

The plan, entitled “Great Expectations,” presents a vision “to become the most improved urban school district in America.” It 14 JERK

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aims to “build a district culture based on high expectations, respect, and co-accountability for performance that recognizes and rewards excellence.” That all sounds wonderful, but words like “expectations,” “respect,” and “transformation” mean absolutely nothing.

They’re buzzwords straight out of the public relations handbook—smoke and mirrors setting lofty goals, not achievable in a fiveyear span. So if the district is still hopelessly broken in 2017, the plan’s vague wording serves as a shield against the fallout.

“Great Expectations” hinges soley on a concept called innovation zones, or iZones, implemented in seven of the district’s chronically underperforming schools on the Westside. iZones have grown popular across the country, in places like the Academy for Urban School Leadership in Chicago, and the New York City School District. Schools are given autonomy to apply cutting-edge ideas and technologies to create quick and significant change—then apply the modifications throughout the district. They’re presented as fun, innovative tools, but iZones are essentially a big gray area. Zheadric Barbra, PhD, SCSD Executive Director of School Turnaround, explains they’re “prioritizing rapid and measurable school improvement through piloting of

organizational reforms, in exchange for increased accountability.” Yet nowhere does it say exactly what they will adjust.

The Office of School Transformation and Innovation exists to supervise the iZones, but no defined way to use the funding exists. Schools could buy smart boards or textbooks, or just as easily blow the cash on a new jungle gym.

The SCSD is also rolling out a new English and math curriculum aligned to Common Core Standards, and a new state-approved APPR (Annual Professional Performance

Review), which evaluates effectiveness by holding every teacher accountable for individual student success. Yet the only way to tangibly measure student progress, and the plan’s overall effectiveness, is through standardized state testing. The district tracks passing percentages on annual state tests, Regents exams, and the number of incoming ninth graders compared to students graduating. But it’s all stats. Numbers are their only barometer of success. Numbers don’t factor in older students lost in the shuffle that the system has already failed.

Figures don’t account for the unstable home environments many students experience every day. Students living in poverty, who endure mental or physical abuse, don’t have the comfort of returning to safe homes every afternoon. Barbra asserts that “with community, parental and business partner support we can move forward the vision of becoming the most improved urban school district in America.” The community is in disrepair—many parents aren’t even home most nights to make their kids’ dinners.

“Great Expectations” faces a nearly impossible challenge: maintaining effective schools in poor urban communities on a budget that shrinks every year like clockwork. Slapping a Charles Dickens title on the plan doesn’t change the reality of the situation. Without clear applications the plan is a hollow dream, and an iZone is just an educational playground. JM JERK

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Before we all crack out our "Michelle 2016" bumper stickers, it's time to examine what family politics mean for America.

By Alex Kuzoian : Illustration by Sabrina Har-Dof As Michelle Obama stood tall behind the podium at September’s Democratic National Convention, the air in the auditorium reeked of pure pathos. Men and women, young and old, rose to their feet in applause, smiling and crying as the first lady spoke of the determination of her working class father, Barack’s love for the couple’s two daughters, and the betterment of the nation for all its posterity. Impassioned spectators flocked to social media, endorsing the unelected icon. #Michelle2016 was born.

Now, those who rendered this hashtag a trending topic were either the same winners who bought KONY action boxes, or they were completely joking. The idea of Michelle running for president in four years is flawed for two reasons: One, despite a J.D. from Harvard Law and higher approval ratings than Hillary ever had as first lady, Michelle wouldn’t make a bid for the Oval Office with essentially no political experience. Two,

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how can you call yourself a self-respecting American citizen if you’d advocate 12 to 16 years of a single family controlling the country? Bo, the first dog, would probably like to enjoy at least a few years of retirement before he settles into the doghouse for good.

Regardless of these Michelle-maniacs' enthusiastic tweeters’ intentions, the idea does raise serious questions about the prevalence of American political families.

After all, the Clintons did come very close to reclaiming the White House last election year, and the possibility still remains four years from now. And political families continue to dominate just as strongly outside of the presidency. From the Bushs and the Kennedys to the Rockefellers and the Romneys, we see once-popular officials passing their success to relatives throughout the world of politics.

It only takes one successful family member in the political sphere to enhance the chance

of other members finding themselves in public office. A 2006 study found that a congressman who holds his position for more than one term is 40 percent more likely to see a relative in Congress in the future, according to Reuters. And it makes sense—American citizens vote for what’s familiar. If we liked a certain congressman and his policy, then we’ll surely like his son. But this familial favoritism is simply allowing politicians to feel more entitled and adding to the already obnoxiously high sense of complacency we see on the hill today. Not to mention, voting only for what we’re comfortable with and what we’ve seen before insults the governmental system built by our Founding Fathers. When the boys were drafting up the Constitution, their primary goal was to escape the oppression of static leadership.

Our nation's constitutional representative democracy, hinged on checks and balances,

cannot work as intended if leadership stays stagnant. Though we may not see politicians remaining in office for decades due to term limits, shared attitudes and policy among generations of officials generates the same stagnant effect. Imagine if Michelle did make the leap to commander in chief. Nothing would stop her husband, as first gentleman, from vicariously extending his term limit through his spouse. In 2016 we should open our eyes to someone new.

We must break the trend of promoting simply what’s familiar to us. We can’t fear leaders or policies that are new or abnormal.

In American politics, now more than ever, complacency damages our country. Whether related by blood or political principle, voting for what we have already seen is causing political déjà vu. So next time you consider voting for a relative of our good ol' pal Jack Kennedy think again. JM

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Sheltering students won't fight gang violence.

By Sarah Schuster : Illustration by Adam Day In September 2012, the U.S. Department of Justice gave the city of Syracuse $300,000 to help combat gang violence.

Out of all the crime-ridden cities in the United States, only nine received this chunk of change.

Sure, 300 grand pays for six SU students’ tuitions—but it also gets you over 27,000 medium buffalo chicken pizzas at Acropolis. Pizza party? Maybe not. Marshall Street, especially Acropolis, has seen a lot of action this semester.

With an alleged shooting September 15 and a stabbing September 22, we might as well go roam the Bronx.

But according to CQ Press’ ranking of the most dangerous cities in 2010, we’d be safer there. The study ranked Syracuse 74th based on per capita violent crime statistics. Comparatively, New York City was 269th. Violent crime may come as a shock to some sheltered by “The Hill,” but the city sees and experiences it every day. The city of Syracuse welcomes funding to reduce gang violence with open arms.

Curiously, the Monday before this gift from the feds appeared, the Department of Public Safety sent an email to all SU students featuring a special guest: Student Association president Dylan Lustig. The email intended to dispel rumors of non-SU students infiltrating campus, raping and pillaging as part of a gang initiation process. While it’s comforting to know gang members aren’t

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reenacting The Hunger Games, the letter also explained that authorities saw no increase in crime near or on campus.

The message cited the two “incidents” on Marshall Street but also that “SU students have not been the targets of this activity.” You can relax now, people.

Move along. Nothing more to see.

The Syracuse City Police Department (SCPD) has not relaxed.

The Daily Orange reported in early October that law enforcement has tripled in the university area. The SCPD blocked Marshall Street on numerous weekend nights.

Although its movie set backdrop and inauthentic street lamps would suggest otherwise, the college gods didn’t plop Marshall Street off campus to give students an exclusive place to congregate. Syracuse natives eat and shop there too, because well, it’s part of their home. But move deeper into the city, away from the university, and other areas don’t receive this extra safeguard.

Jessica Humiston, the manager of Pita Pit on Marshall Street, has lived in the Syracuse area her whole life. She says when there’s a stabbing near her house, streets are not shut down.

Although authorities report no hike in violence and tell us, “No, don’t worry about gangs,” news sources say otherwise. In a CNY Central article, Syracuse Police Sgt. Tom Connellan says some gang members have caused problems on Marshall Street and made

unsolicited cameos at a few off campus parties. He said this on September 25, one day after that email from DPS was sent. Then in mid-October, an entirely new squad was created to guard the East neighborhood and Marshall Street areas.

The University Area Crime-Control Team, staffed with DPS and SCPD officers, pulls even more resources to campus and away from the city.

Listen, I’m a small town girl, and a painfully stereotypical middle class college student. But just because my driver’s license says Connecticut and I pay ridiculous tuition, doesn’t mean I should receive special treatment, or even worse, get left in the dark. I work on

Marshall Street late at night in a city more dangerous than NYC, and I have the right to be safe. But so does that kid you call a “townie” working in Armory Square.

So does the little girl living on the South Side worrying about her next meal—let alone college admission. The city now has $300,000 at its disposal. Shutting down Marshall Street and diffusing parties are short-term solutions—ones that categorize this area into SU and nonSU, us vs. them. But the problem has much deeper roots in the city—building a fortress around the university and blinding us from the truth will not stop it from growing. JM

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BITCH

Attention Hollywood: Some stories should stay on the page.

Reddit, the Internet's hipster aggregate site, is here to stay.

By Megan Griffo : Illustration by Jaycee Checo

By Shea Garner : Illustration by Jack McGowan

As the 2012 election loomed, President Obama reinforced his Generation Y-friendly image by hosting an open forum-style Q&A on the interwebs. No, he didn’t answer emails, poll the twittersphere, or post to Facebook—he went underground techgeek on our asses and called upon the increasingly popular website Reddit. The “AMA” (Ask Me Anything) skyrocketed to the most popular Q&A thread in the site’s history, practically breaking the Internet.

Servers went down within minutes of the thread’s execution.

But Reddit is no stranger to Internet fame.

While many aren’t familiar with the site, it created and popularized the black hole of senseless memes, jokes, and phrases dominating your Facebook and Twitter feeds. But Reddit is kind of the Socially Awkward Penguin of the ever-changing social media climate. Since its creation, Reddit has barely undergone any redesign.

Surfing the site feels like warping back to the days of dial-up. The basic, jumbled-style layout with minimal graphics and design might confuse newcomers. Generating its own subculture of “redditors,” this Internet hipster remains unwilling to alter its widely accepted aggregate website format. But Reddit, Y U NO change?!

Co-founded in 2005 by University of Virginia graduates Steve Huffman and Alexis Ohanian, the site was discreetly purchased by Advance Publications (owned 20 JERK

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by the Syracuse-affiliated Newhouse family) no less than a year later. Why? Reddit is the prototypical business model for how Internet media properties should operate. Ads catering to specific subreddits and the ability to “upvote” sponsored links generate income. Reddit amasses the most prevalent and current content on the web instantaneously, giving it the well-deserved nickname, “the front page of the Internet.”

Maybe Reddit’s scarved hipster barista attitude has served it right. We were cool before you tweeted about your pretentious pumpkin spice lattes.

Think back to any time Facebook changed a portion of their design—people threw a goddamn hissy fit. The rapidly changing social media climate can exhaust users, and constant shifts and updates can sink a site faster than Myspace. So in Reddit’s defense, don’t fix what isn’t broken. In an age of historical current events and Kardashian-style entertainment, Reddit reflects the Internet’s culture of constant consumption, allowing its user base to sort through the bullshit and choose the humorous or important content that will eventually dominate the web. Reddit may have assets as bodacious as Kim Kardashian’s, but there’s one difference— Reddit refuses a makeover and would certainly never defend Kanye. JM

When Warner Bros. pushed The Great Gatsby release from December to May, my literary red flag shot up. Gatsby’s already unsuccessfully been turned into a film four times. A summer release date and 3-D effects—yes, 3-D—won’t address the problem: Books like Gatsby don’t make good movies. A writer’s-blocked F. Scott

Fitzgerald didn’t sit around drinking gin and rationalizing to Hemingway, “If only I could write this for IMAX.” There’s a misconception that revered novels translate to critically acclaimed movies. A book hits The New York Times Best Seller list, and Hollywood asks, “Who gets the movie rights?” Moviegoers sprint to theaters only to mope home, leaving

a trail of buttery popcorn-ed tears. I have some advice for Hollywood: Stop. Please. Enough.

Most great literature, like Gatsby, depends on an author’s style. Novels have beautiful prose, subtle tones—they’re poetic. That doesn’t automatically translate to visual entertainment. Big-name actors don’t help. Robert Redford couldn’t save the first Gatsby. Demi Moore couldn’t rescue The Scarlett Letter. The Tom Hanks couldn’t salvage Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. These texts thrived on their words.

Hollywood should’ve backed off.

Often a book doesn’t have enough meat to produce a 90-minute film. Where the Wild Things Are, a 48-page picture book, could be summarized in 10 seconds: boy dresses as wolf, boy gets punished, boy has acid trip, boy wakes up for dinner. CUT. End scene. Fin. Many books’ plots are too complex: The DaVinci Code, and The Time Traveler’s Wife proved confusing onscreen. Directors’ lenses have a hard time replicating multiple narrators and flashbacks. Screenplays can’t easily imitate textual nuances.

Sometimes the formula works. The Godfather and The Silence of the Lambs received more cinematic praise than their novel counterparts. Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk was quoted as embarrassed that screenwriters streamlined and enhanced his plot. The Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings films made billions because they’re adventure-based sagas.

Complaints aside, I would love for the new Gatsby to be great. But I’ve accepted that’s unlikely. Adapting novels to film is a complicated puzzle, and in some cases Hollywood should admit defeat.

J.D. Salinger understood this. He repeatedly defended his refusal to sell The Catcher in the Rye’s rights: Holden Caulfield is “unactable;” his thoughts could only be “pseudo-simulated.” Mr. Salinger, you should’ve just come out and said, “This movie would suck.” JM JERK

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Former SU professor and animal communicator Janet Ridgeway has a lot to say—to your pet, of course.

By Melissa Goldberg : Illustrations by Kelsey Lima People come to Janet Ridgeway as a last resort. Desperate after spending time and money—sometimes thousands of dollars— trying to fix animals’ problematic behaviors, they turn to her. Such was the case when Ridgeway received a call from a Syracuse woman six years ago.

But even to Ridgeway, this case was different. The woman wanted her to communicate with termites devouring her home. The pests had already destroyed the back porch and moved through the 22 JERK

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mudroom into the rest of her home. An exterminator had visited three times with little success.

Ridgeway felt unsure but hopeful as she approached the woman’s house. “I’ve never done it, but I’m willing to try,” Ridgeway said. “I just can’t promise anything.” As she began telepathically communicating with the termites, the words “warm” and “like” filled her head. The termites felt warm and happy in the home they’d made. Ridgeway tried to rationalize with them. They couldn’t

live in the house safely, she explained, and they had to leave. Exterminators would continue to spray the house, and most of the termites would die.

But the termites refused to leave.

Ridgeway shifted gears—she started negotiating. Ridgeway knew she needed to offer a suitable alternative to the termites’ current home. Ridgeway instructed the homeowner to put dead wood in the backyard. Confident that she could finalize the deal, Ridgeway proposed this alternative

to the termites: During the next week, she told them, they had to relocate to the wood, which the homeowners would then move off the property. The termites would receive a nice, safe home, she assured them, but they couldn’t come back.

Two weeks later, an exterminator returned for another round of spraying.

While he inspected the home, he found evidence of termites. But he couldn’t locate a single insect. Stunned, the exterminator asked to see the dead wood. Trekking JERK

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through the grassy backyard, he refused to behavior. A neighbor, who used yard work believe that Ridgeway had succeeded. As as an excuse to spy on the neighborhood, they approached the wood, he looked down. confirmed the story. For months, she’d seen Thousands of termites enveloped the dead Ridgeway walking side-by-side with the log. squirrel each morning and afternoon.

Over the past 12 years, Ridgeway has Not until 20 years later did Ridgeway worked with thousands of animals and their think to turn her Eliza Thornberry-like owners to change unwanted behaviors, abilities into a career. During a stint as a dog manage emotional problems, alleviate walker, one of Ridgeway’s clients left her a chronic health conditions, note that read, “I didn’t and elucidate end of life know you were a pet BUT, AS THE FIELD care. Due to TV shows psychic.” Three months BECOMES LARGER, like The Pet Psychic and later while teaching at PRACTITIONERS ARE The Animal Whisperer, Northeastern University, the field of animal she read a newspaper ad REPEATEDLY ASKED communication continues publicizing a course with THE EXACT SAME to grow and now includes renowned author and QUESTION — 300 plus professional animal communicator communicators. Between Amelia Kinkade. She DOES ANIMAL 50 and 60 books have been enrolled. During the same COMMUNICATION written on the topic, and 200-person informational ACTUALLY EXIST? Species Link, publishes lecture, Kinkade called four times a year. But as on Ridgeway to share her the field becomes larger, reactions to Roxy, a dog —JANET RIDGEWAY many practitioners must that limped for months repeatedly answer the without a physical cause. exact the same question: Does animal Ridgeway believed a emotional trauma communication actually exist? caused the limp—the death of another Animal communication has always dog in the family. Kinkade was impressed. consumed Ridgeway's life. On the first day of “That's what I got too,” she said. “And what first grade, Ridgeway’s special relationship did you say your name was?” with animals began when a squirrel—“my Inspired by Kinkade’s interest in her, squirrel”—started accompanying the 6-year- Ridgeway approached the speaker at the old on most of her three-block walk to and end of the class to ask a couple of questions from school in Milwaukee, Wis. Ridgeway regarding what had just taken place. But wouldn’t allow the squirrel to cross the Kinkade had a different agenda. busy road that separated her neighborhood “What is your occupation?” she asked. from her elementary school. Instead, he “I teach writing,” Ridgeway replied. stood on the corner and watched Ridgeway “No. That’s not what you are supposed cross the street. “I told him to stay there to be doing,” Kinkade countered. “I have so because I didn’t want him to get hurt,” many clients that I don’t know what to do Ridgeway recalls. “I still get upset when with them. I need people to send them to.

I see squished squirrels on the side of the Can I put your number on my website?” road.” Unsurprisingly, when she finally Ridgeway didn’t have a website. She worked up the courage to tell her mom didn’t have a business card. She didn’t even about the squirrel, her mother dismissed her know whether to charge clients $75 or $300 wild imagination. But Ridgeway wasn't the for an appointment. Still, she said yes. only one who noticed the squirrel's bizarre Unlike normal communication between

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humans, animal communication occurs through sending and receiving telepathic messages—no spoken words, barks, or meows occur. Instead, these messages can take many forms: mental images, emotional or physical feelings, words heard in the mind, and even smells and tastes.

The process is surprisingly simple. To send a message, the sender envisions the message in her mind’s eye and also the animal with whom she wants to communicate.

“Thoughts are things,” Ridgeway says. “So whenever you’re thinking something about an animal, you’re thinking it at them.” To receive a message, the recipient needs to intentionally acknowledge the thoughts that pop into his or her head. “People don’t think they’re communicating with animals or receiving messages from them because it comes the same way that things naturally come,” Ridgeway explains. “So if you’re a visual person, an image might just pop into your head about your dog.”

Ridgeway conducts consultations either in-person or over the phone—preferably with a picture of the animal. She communicates with living animals or ones that have passed.

Regardless of the situation, Ridgeway starts every appointment with an opening prayer.

She then does energy work, using up to 10

healing modalities including animal Reiki, on both the people and the animal. This clears emotional or physical walls and leaves an open pathway. Now, Ridgeway can focus her attention on communicating. After that, her consultations don’t have set agendas.

Instead, the animals’ and clients’ needs direct the sessions. Sometimes Ridgeway acts as a negotiator, creating a solution for physical, emotional, or mental stressors that agitate the animal. Other times, Ridgeway serves as a messenger, relaying thoughts and feelings between the animal and its people.

Ridgeway’s abilities don’t stay within her consultations though. Animals contact her whether or not she wants to engage with them. During a return flight from Florida to Syracuse, Ridgeway, who’d spent the entire week working, had one intention—to sleep.

But every couple of seconds, she felt a tugging on her shirtsleeve, like a baby trying to get its mother’s attention. Simultaneously, a yellow lab image began flashing in her mind. She tried to ignore it. But the yellow lab wouldn’t let up. “Turn around. Turn around. Turn around,” the dog repeated. And then, “Tell her thank you for the garden.”

Ridgeway gave in. She turned around and faced three women, apparently friends, in

THREE EVERYDAY PROBLEMS, THREE EVERYDAY SOLUTIONS

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the row behind her. Unsure to whom the lab belonged, she said, “Excuse me ladies, but does one of you have a yellow lab?”

Immediately, the woman seated in the middle began to cry. “I did,” she struggled to say. “He just recently passed away.”

“I know this might sound crazy,” Ridgeway said. “But I just have to tell you that your dog would not let me sleep. He pulled on my arm and asked me to thank you for the garden.”

Now, the woman’s tear became hysterics.

Between sobs, she explained that she was returning from visiting her best friend who had planted a little garden in her backyard as a memorial for the dog.

Even though her ability to communicate with animals may, at times, be more of a nuisance than a gift, Ridgeway is unable to imagine her life without it. Several years

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ago, she received biofeedback therapy for a pinched nerve from a car accident. During the sessions, fear consumed her mind.

“You always hear about these people that develop weird abilities after they are in an accident or some sort of trauma,” she says.

“Every time something happens to me, I think, what if I can’t talk to animals anymore?

It’s like I’m paranoid it is going to go away.”

Animal communication first gained momentum as a profession in the early 70s.

Penelope Smith, known as the mother of interspecies communication, pioneered the field, along with Beatrice Lydecker and Fred Kimball. But unlike her colleagues, Smith focused on teaching others how to practice animal communication.

“The greatest thing that you will learn from animals is compassion for other beings

and especially for humans,” Smith says. the health and well-being of a pet. But I “Humans need a lot of compassion for each understand that sometimes people need to other and themselves. We have a hard road. do something that makes them feel better, But we also have the animals, the plants, the even if it's a crock." earth, the rivers, the oceans, and the air to Rather than being offended or insulted help us. It’s about getting in touch with all by criticism about animal communication, of that.”

Ridgeway accepts and encourages skeptics As the practice has expanded and evolved, to try it. “I’m not going to push people to practitioners methods and techniques of believe in me or in the fact that people can practitioners have also changed. Most communicate with animals, that’s not my significant is the incorporation of animal job, “ she says. “It’s the experience. Once Reiki—based on the Japanese healing you have experienced it, you can’t un-have system of Reiki. Even though the process an experience. It stays with you.” of animal communication differ, the two Kathy Heverin had always wondered what processes complement each other, creating her dogs were thinking but didn’t want to a greater potential for healing. pay $300 for a half-hour phone appointment “The nature of Reiki with Sonya Fitzpatrick. is balance. If things are Therefore, when Heverin, in balance, they’re in a summer resident of harmony, and then we no Skaneateles, N.Y., heard longer have a problem,” about Ridgeway—who says Kathleen Prasad, charges $120 for an hour founder of Animal Reiki consultation—from a local Source. “So when I do pet store employee, she reiki, I’m not trying to knew she had to make communicate with the an appointment with her. animal. I’m not controlling She asked her husband or directing the energy for an appointment at all. I’m just holding with Ridgeway for her the space, almost like a upcoming birthday.

—PENELOPE SMITH witness to this higher, Even though her beautiful, natural process husband initially rejected of reharmonizing, which the idea, he eventually leads to healing.” caved. A few days later, Ridgeway arrived For healthy animals, Reiki helps to at their house and spent an hour and a half maintain physical and emotional health. For relaying the thoughts of their two dogs, ill animals, Reiki can reduce stress and pain. Cooper and Riley. “She said things that she For dying animals, Reiki creates a peaceful, couldn’t possibly have known,” Heverin calm space, relieving fear and anxiety. said. “For instance, Cooper talked about But while animal communication my issues with food. Well I have had issues and Reiki serve as a source of healing, with food my whole life.” By the end of the understanding, and positive change for session, Heverin’s husband had converted some pet owners, others view the field from a skeptic to an advocate. with strong criticism. In a Houston Press “By the end of it, he was completely article about Sonya Fizpatrick, star of Animal into it,” Ridgeway said. “This guy gave me Planet’s Pet Psychic, veterinarian Lori Teller more referrals than almost everybody I have says, “There are certainly better ways to ever had. This guy who didn’t believe in spend the several hundred dollars to ensure ‘that crap.’” JM

"THE GREATEST THING THAT YOU WILL LEARN FROM ANIMALS IS COMPASSION FOR OTHER BEINGS AND ESPECIALLY FOR HUMANS."

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Congressional candidate Ursula Rozum might not have a lot of money, but she’s making politics a little greener.

Congressional candidate Urusla Rozum offers voters an alternative to the two-party system.

Story and Photos By Christina Sterbenz Ursula Rozum stands in her kitchen, her hands overflowing with strange, leafy greens.

“Kale belongs to the Brassica family—the same family as broccoli,” she says. Suddenly, Rozum crinkles her nose. “Look—aphids.”

She shows the undersides of a few leaves, revealing light green bumps. “They’re born pregnant, you know. I just won’t use these.”

She opens a dirty container on the ground, the compost inside, and tosses the inedible stalks. She’ll use them later as fertilizer for the backyard garden, where she picked the kale only minutes earlier. But Rozum doesn’t 28 JERK

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spend all her time playing in the dirt. She has to campaign, too.

If Rozum, 28, wins New York’s 24th district election this November, she’ll become the youngest member of the current Congress. As the Green Party candidate, she raises money, meets with voters, attends debates—the usual activities. But she doesn’t do any like Dan Maffei (D) or Ann Marie Buerkle (R). They receive funding from companies like Goldman Sachs and Lockheed Martin.

Rozum doesn’t have access to resources

like that. She doesn’t even have health of two evils. Sentiments like “A vote for insurance. Through “peace, justice, and a Rozum is a vote for Buerkle” litter the Green New Deal,” she sets herself apart as comment well of Syracuse University contending candidate—even with only 7 Professor David Rubin’s Post-Standard guest percent of the vote. column about the her candidacy. Historically, Howie Hawkins, Rozum’s campaign the public has only elected three presidential manager, helped found the Green Party in candidates without a major party affiliation— 1984. According to him, only 19 percent of all in the 1800s. “People should vote for a voters know about Rozum’s candidacy. Yet candidate based on their character and 37 percent who do, report they’ll vote for platform, not because they know the system her. And Hawkins has experience with distorts results,” Hawkins says. “They voters. In 2010, he ran for governor of New shouldn’t have to settle for less than what York. He didn’t win. But he gained almost they really want.”

60,000 votes, allowing the gubernatorial Both Hawkins and Rozum believe The ballot to include Greens for the next four Post-Standard covered the Green’s campaign years. For Rozum’s better than previous name to grace the "WE ARE SOLD CANDIDATES years. But CNY media congressional ballot, 5 still portray Rozum as an THE SAME WAY THEY SELL percent of registered underdog, a quirky Green Party voters had PEPSI VERSUS COKE. addition to the race to sign a petition. Of IT'S ABOUT APPEALING without any real hope of course, these barriers TO VOTERS' EMOTIONAL winning. In his awardaffect national politics winning column “Sanity SIDE INSTEAD OF ANY too. None of the Fair,” Ed Griffin-Nolan of presidential debates SUBSTANCE." the Syracuse New Times featured another writes that Greens Green Party hopeful, should worry Rozum’s —HOWIE HAWKINS Jill Stein. But her name campaign will take votes will appear on 85 from Maffei, sending percent of ballots. “Our strategy has been to Buerkle back to Capitol Hill. He never get Ursula featured in the media as much as considers the opposite: Maffei sniping possible,” Hawkins says. Proportions support for Rozum.The photo accompanying suggest that if all voters knew Rozum the piece also shows Rozum riding her bike. existed, she could expect about 72 percent As the Green candidates, yes, she wants to of the vote. If only running for office proved better the environment, but Hawkins that simple. The U.S. operates under a reminds voters that not all Greens have “winner-take-all plurality system,” as hippie sensibilities. “We’re mostly working Hawkins describes. Whichever candidate class people,” he says. He would know. He gets the most votes, wins. Rozum and Maffei and his Dartmouth education work the night could each receive 30 percent of the vote, shift unloading trucks for UPS. totaling 60 percent, while Buerkle lands 40 Back in the kitchen, Rozum keeps spilling percent. Here, a Republican takes home the coffee all over her “Anti-capitalist, Provictory even though most voters supported community” T-shirt. As members of the a Democrat or Green, candidates supporting Bread and Roses Collective, a cooperative liberal policies. house in the Westcott Neighborhood, Rozum Such vehement loyalty to the two-party and her roommates pepper the inside with system infects the political atmosphere with propaganda preaching similar slogans. A a dangerous syndrome: voting for the lesser magnet on the vintage, maroon refrigerator JERK

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reads, “An anarchist is someone who doesn’t need a cop to tell them what to do.”

But Rozum and her housemates embrace supporting a common goal. Everyone in the co-op has a job. While Rozum takes trash duty, others wash the compost buckets, or tend to the garden. “We all spend one to two hours a week on chores,” Rozum says. “It’s not bad.”

That same emphasis on personal responsibility motivated Rozum to run in

the first place. “I was looking at my opponents, and I just didn’t see a choice there,” she says. Rozum waited to hear discussions that never came: student debt, the environment, the military industrial complex. “I didn’t see someone that was going to offer any long term solutions,” she admits. She couldn’t have. The public rarely knows whether candidates can deliver results because candidates hardly ever take firm stances on issues. A study published in the October 2012 Journal of Management Inquiry shows that voters consider 30 JERK

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vagueness a virtue—whether they realize or not. The authors write, “Specific policy proposals are usually ineffective in winning votes because they appeal to relatively narrow audiences and often alienate groups needed to forge consensus.” As Hawkins sees, voting now relies more on ethos than pathos. “We are sold candidates the same way they sell Pepsi versus Coke. It’s about appealing to voters’ emotional side instead of any substance.”

Unlike others, Rozum doesn’t shy away from taking stances on the issues. Her website, ursulaforcongress.com, has a tab entitled “Issues,” which outline her goals in plain language. She even quantifies some of them: 50 percent cuts to military spending and net-zero carbon emissions by 2025. “It might not happen, but at least we’re setting a goal. That conversation has to happen,” Rozum says. She also supports free public education from pre-school to graduate school, Medicare for all, and most important, the Green New Deal. Reminiscent of economic stimulation surrounding World War II, the Green New Deal addresses what Rozum and others before her see as the U.S.’ two biggest concerns: unemployment and the environment. “We need to get out of the recession through direct public employment,” she says. “The Green New Deal would create jobs in the transition to sustainable energy.” President Roosevelt saw Germany as a threat, and to oversimplify, he used the war as stimulation for the economy, ending the Great Depression. While Rozum supports peace, she sees non-renewable energies, including hydrofracking, as a threat just as serious as war. And she’ll use job creation to combat these issues. “Climate change is a crisis.

Unemployment is a crisis. We need to have that same kind of imperative like we had back in the forties,” she says. While Rozum admits much of the funding for jobs would come from the federal level, Greens also favor government decentralization. Local municipalities, instead of the U.S. national

government, would decide which jobs to create to meet the needs of the area.

Rozum does that almost every day at work. As the sole staff organizer for the Syracuse Peace Council, the oldest grassroots organization focused on peace and social justice in the country, she creates “people power.” She mobilizes the public to participate in the local community. Every Wednesday, Peace Council employees take turns making lunch. Today, Rozum plans to cook black beans and rice. She got the recipe when she studied in Cuba, where she also learned Spanish—just one of the four languages she speaks. As she chops onions, one of her roommates strolls into the kitchen. “I spent so much money on rice today—like $8,” Rozum complains. With $30,000 in student loans, this ballot newcomer has to watch her spending. Her campaign therefore relies entirely on volunteers, much like the Peace Council. “I always think that if I just had a little bit more money, I could hire a staff and get my numbers up,” Rozum admits. She does,

however, stand firmly against “corporate personhood,” a term she uses when large corporations flex their monetary muscles.

Her campaign even promises a Constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United decision, a landmark case which upheld unions’ and corporations’ right to fund political parties.

Busy campaigning, Rozum confesses she sometimes neglects her chores at the Bread and Roses Collective. “The hardest part is when you feel like you’re not pulling your own weight,” she says. “I know that’s a problem for people who can’t find work or have a hard time supporting their families.

They get frustrated.” Rozum thinks if everyone shares responsibility, the U.S. will run more smoothly. Her campaign doesn’t depend on the government’s size, like Democrat and Republican platforms, but instead, government’s role. “A lot of the debates have been about whether we need big government or small government,” she says. “I think it’s an issue of good government, government by the people.” JM

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FUNNY

BUSINESS

Coco the clown takes her job seriously.

Story and photos by Kristina Subsara The smells of warm apple cider and popcorn blend with children’s laughter on a brisk fall day at Chuck Hafner’s Farmers Market & Garden Center in North Syracuse. Beneath the midmorning overcast, local food vendors set up shop. Kids filter throughout pony rides, a haunted house, and a maze, but the main attraction stands at the end of the market’s longest line. Balloon pump in hand, Coco the clown looks down at her adoring fans. “Who’s next?” A swarm of hands shoot up in the air.

Despite large shoes, mismatched clothes, and outrageous face paint, the veteran clown doesn’t intimidate the kids before her.

Her experience radiates—she’s performed with the Big Apple Circus’s Circus to Go and at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in Houston, Tex.—but right now she’s focused on a smaller crowd and a handful of balloons. She stands duck footed and strikes a pose while asking a little boy what balloon art he’d like. “A sword!” he requests. Coco starts intricately twisting a balloon. The boy reaches for his sword. “Hold your horses!” she says. “Are you a pirate or a Knight of the Round Table?” The boy is undoubtedly the latter. Coco knights the brave lad, and he runs away, pleased with his new toy, while Coco moves on to her next subject. JM

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Coco smiles and gestures “thank you” in sign language to a small boy. She’s perfected the art of clowning, but her people skills land her jobs all over Central New York.

Coco keeps calm when disaster strikes—a balloon pops. Picking up the pieces, she playfully assures her customer the balloon is still under warranty.

She hands a new balloon back with one warning: “Don’t name it Buster!“ Coco travels with her Big Shoe clown company around Syracuse, Albany, Utica, and Rome to schools, fairs, and individual parties. Clowning is lighthearted, but for her it’s a full-time job with a big payoff. “My favorite part is watching their faces light up when I hand them their balloons,” she says.

Coco thrives on leaving lasting impressions on her audiences. The memories, after all, will last much longer than the balloons. Like Coco says, “They don’t call it ‘Pop Art’ for nothing.”

Coco taught clowning at several venues including the Clowns of America International Convention and the World Clown Association Convention. Years of children’s requests and challenges have made her an expert balloonist.“They call us ‘balunitics’ when we get together,” she jokes.

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LEAVES OF

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S H ELB Y: COAT: J. CRE W $ 3 2 5 ; S WEATER D RE SS: H&M $3 4 . 9 5 ; S H I R T: M A D E WE LL $1 1 0 ; TI GH TS : WE GMANS $ 6 ; GLOVE S: H & M $ 12. 9 5 .

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H A N N A H : PA JA M A SH IR T A N D PA N TS: J .C R E W $88; FA UX F UR COAT: A SO S $72; J E W E LR Y : M O D E L’ S OW N .

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GAWK

GAWK

O P P O SITE PAG E : H A N N A H : COAT: A SO S $140; SW E ATE R : TO R Y B UR C H ; PA N TS: J .C R E W $138; SUSP E N D E R S: H & M $12.95; F LATS: TO P SH O P $45.

SH E LB Y : K N IT SW E ATE R : Z A R A $79.90; PA N TS: J O E F R E SH $20; B O OTS: E SCOTE .

E VA N : J E A N S: CA LV IN K LE IN J E A N S $49.50; B O OTS: C LA R K ’ S O R IG IN A L $68.

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GAWK

GAWK

STITCH Infinity scarves elevate your style as the temperature plummets.

By Leah Khatib & Zerina Buljabasic : Photos by Meg O'Malley Celebrated brands Burberry and Missoni debuted re-mastered versions of their iconic scarves in Fall 2009. Overnight, the infinity scarf we know today was born. That winter, they lined the shelves of Bergdorf’s and Barneys, keeping us hooked ever since.

The trend’s illustrious ease—no knotting, wrapping, or tying involved—has made it an essential winter accent season after season.

Though stores feature this trend, they often overprice them. No way we'd pay $50 for a

sewn together piece of fabric when we can do it ourselves. As self-proclaimed scarf-hoarders, we dug through the piles in the back of our closets and found some for experimentation.

With a few stitches, we revamped our abandoned accessories into practical Syracuse staples. You might think this trend got overused, but a needle and thread can make it new once more. Follow our simple steps to create your own. Guys, we thought about your necks too. This trend goes for both sexes. Be bold and stitch on.

To see directions for Leah's plain scarf, check out our online tutorial at jerkmagazine.net.

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NOISE

NOISE

The MiGGZ Tapes Former Syracuse student and triple-threat Matt Migliorelli embarked on a national tour with indie-rap duo Aer. Amid snapping photos and sleepless nights, he tells his story.

Story and Photos by Matt Migliorelli

Photographer Matt Migliorelli has worked with the likes of A$AP Rocky, Mac Miller, and Curren$y (pictured).

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A urine bottle just rolled across the floor, knocking into my feet, a normal occurrence in this van the five of us call home. I’m in Florida right now, somewhere between Gainesville and Tampa specifically. We were supposed to stay in Gainesville, but here I am writing this at 3:47 a.m. because our hotel was mistakenly booked in a town with the same name in Georgia. The van is the only constant environment that we can fully claim as our own. We’re only about halfway through The Brightside Tour, with a ten day break just around the corner, before we head to the Midwest and West coast.

Three years earlier, I met Max Gredinger on the fifth floor of Sadler Hall, my home at Syracuse University. He later landed a job managing the rap duo Aer in August 2010.

As a VPA student, I hadn’t ever thought about doing video work. He approached me in February the next year to take photos for his new artist. I had heard some of their “Water on the Moon” stuff before the first

photo-shoot but hadn’t really given it my full ear. Their newest project “The Reach” greeted me when we all met. I just knew immediately they were onto something. The chemistry was right between all of us, and I could tell we were all hungry with ambition.

I believe that if you want to get something off the ground, you’ve got to have some sort of foundation. Since that first photoshoot, we’ve created a small but powerful team to help oversee every opportunity our artist should take. As a listener and an artist, I’ve always wanted to combine my love for the camera with my love for music.

I’ve always indulged myself in a wide variety of artists. As I grew older and began learning curse words, my mind would always gravitate to rap. To this day, I’m another white boy addicted to everything about the genre. I fell in love with shooting rap shows because I can bridge the gap between my camera and the music. I began making my own beats the summer before JERK

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NOISE

NOISE tenth grade, and I actually started doing something with them when I got to college.

I started working with Syracuse students Guy Harrison and Cartier Sims within the first week of school. We would get the opportunity to open for bigger artists like Mac Miller and Asher Roth. I got to photograph and shoot video while two of my good friends performed over my own beats.

After Guy and Cartier’s set I would photograph the headlining act and send my photos from that night to them. Some of the artists ended up using my images on their websites—a great way to get my name noticed. I also keep my own blog where I receive the most feedback. Even though I don’t get paid, I’m thrilled to send my photos to artists who would want to use them.

Cameramen allow an artist to keep a tour vlog and cover post-show events connecting artists to their fans via social media. I am just trying to get involved in all the little aspects of the music industry.

No one knows how to label Aer’s music. Music fans usually resort to naming some of the artists that they hear blended within their sound—Slightly Stoopid, Sublime, and Jack Johnson usually get thrown around—but Aer’s sound is entirely unique: a combination of laid-back beats and hooks from David Von Mering and Carter Schultz’s fast pace flow. David is definitely more on the quiet side, shown by his relaxed instrumentals. Although he’s usually in his own world and hard to fully get a hold of, he knows how and when to get down to business. Carter is quite the opposite. His constant high energy is also found throughout his lyrics over David’s production. The contrast of the two creates

a unique sound that people have a difficult time explaining.

Just as David and Carter were getting into their last few songs in Charolettesville, Va., I brought my laptop out into the main room where Yonas and David Dallas were hanging out. I didn’t think anything of it when I began editing photos of the guys from the night before. I had forgotten that I snuck on stage for a bit of Yonas’ set and snapped some photos. It wasn’t the biggest crowd we’ve seen, but the people in the audience were excited and giving a lot back.

It was also a smaller venue, and often times the smaller venues light set up isn’t bright or interesting enough, but I was pleasantly surprised to see about 20 lights scattered around the stage. At the time, the duo did not have access to a cameraman and only had cameraphonequality photographs of their sets. Yonas really loved what he saw in my photos, and we began talking about the importance of having a constant flow of tour media for your fans.

Nothing has been finalized yet, but I’m working out a deal with Yonas for the second half of the tour, where I would get paid for my photos and videos from various shows.

Being responsible for almost every photo and video Aer posts on their own page, their fans have become familiar with my name and work. If Yonas starts posting my photos on his various pages, this will allow me to expand my audience by at least fifty thousand people. This would never have happened had I not been on tour, and I continue my plan to expand to other artists in the future.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but being on tour is really exhausting. By

I PRETTY MUCH GET TO GO AND DO WHAT I DO ALONE IN MY ROOM EVERYDAY—DANCE AROUND LIKE A FOOL TO IGNORANT RAP MUSIC. — MATT MIGLIORELLI

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Carter Schultz (left) and David Von Mering (right), better known as the rap duo Aer, contracted Migliorelli in January 2011 to shoot their mixtape cover.

the time we pack the van and the venue pays us, it’s usually already midnight. Four out of the five of us are underage and have legal issues with fake IDs, so our options for after the show are limited. We usually get to bed around 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. and leave for the next city by 11 a.m. that morning. Getting to visit all these cities is really amazing, but I wish we had more than one night to stay and explore. As excited as I am to head to the West/Midwest, we’ve definitely had an incredible time touring up and down the east coat. In my opinion, the best show was in Charleston, SC, where we had 500 Aer fans in one venue on a Wednesday night.

Mostly college students packed the venue, with some high school kids sprinkled in.

The green room sat above the stage with a window to see down, and watching the people pour in and go as crazy as the band performed was incredible. When I went to take a photo of the guys posing with the crowd in the middle of the show, people all over the crowd tried to get on shoulders to get in the photo. The venue staff came out to point and yell at people so they would stop. My favorite part of my job and this tour

all together, is to go out on stage for a fifteen minute opening set before the guys go on. I pretty much get to go and do what I do alone in my room everyday—dance around like a fool to ignorant rap music.

Apparently the crowd gets hyped from watching me make an ass of myself, so as long as they’re jumping around with me I really couldn’t give a shit!

Leaving school in the middle of my fouryear program was a difficult decision for me, but I can honestly say I have no regrets.

I’ve always wanted to be a part of something that has the potential to be huge, and this was one opportunity I couldn’t afford to miss. I’m planning on returning to college at the School of Visual Arts in NYC at some point during this year, but I’m also open to not returning just yet. It all depends on how the rest of this tour goes with the guys, but I’m keeping an open mind. I would say this whole experience is bringing me closer to my dream, but I haven’t been able to specify exactly what that dream is yet. I’m looking at this tour as a way to get to a better place, somewhere where my dream may be a bit clearer to me. JM JERK

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NOISE

We like to bitch. Okay, we really like to bitch. Between campus corruption and ignorant complacency, we can’t help it. This time, we’ve picked the most whine-worthy grievances— 'Cuse pet peeves, if you will. So whether you hate hearing us gripe or can’t wait to sing “Fuck the man!" along with us, you'll want to hop on the hate train.

As late night procrastination engulfs us mid-semester, only one thing can sooth us now—and it rhymes with Shmatfish Shurrito.

Alto Cinco, home to the beloved Catfish Burrito, orgasmic guacamole, and cornbread that kicks Boston Market’s ass any day, is a top runner on any list of takeout options. But this Westcott staple isn’t all smiles and guac.

The space is only slightly bigger than a Shaw dorm splitdouble. You don’t want to take your Chicken Tostada to go? Too bad—all the tables are crawling with mex-grubbing customers, always.

Employees often say at Alto Cinco the restaurant’s size is a testament to it’s rocking locale. Situated on Westcott St., Alto is central to a number of intersecting neighborhoods, including its biggest ticket item—the student population. So while they’d consider expanding on Westcott if space became available, moving from this setting would be restaurant suicide.

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Boneless, battered, and dipped in sauces that taste like they’ve been concocted by gods, Wings' wings can satisfy even sober taste buds. But don’t underestimate the power of these chicken appendages as drunchies either. If you haven’t blacked out and woken up with a Wings sauce 'stache, then you haven’t forgotten your night right.

But don’t set the Wings' number to speed dial just yet. Ordering these poultry delights is going to cost you much more than your blackout dignity. Prepare yourself with copious, fun distractions. For example, send some emails, online shop with your mom's invisible money, pack your fave bowl, bong, or piece of your choosing. You’ll need these during your time on hold if they pick up at all.

Wings claims this phone backup is only an issue during peak dinner hours around 7 to 9:30 p.m. each night. They even have four phone operators on separate lines fielding calls.

Still, reaching these guys is almost as hard as trying to balance your iPhone on your left shoulder as you hold your roommate’s hair back with the right. Then again, by the time they pick up, you’ll probably have mastered the skill.

Connecting to SU’s wireless network for the first time is a lot like losing your virginity. It’s awkward, messy, and you’re constantly second-guessing yourself.

Penetrating the wall of security passwords and authentication is an exhaustingly necessary task to connect you to AirOrangeX, the “high-speed wireless network” with an “encrypted secure connection.” But lately, establishing a connection isn’t the only problem; it’s staying connected. Granted, 17,000 students feverishly tweeting about their incompetent professors is enough to hinder any server, but our network is supposed to be state of the art. Where else is all that alumni money going? These past two months, AirOrangeX has suffered more failed connections than match.com.

But fear not. According to the ITS website, AirOrangeX is currently being upgraded to an 802.11 network. Translated from terms only C-3PO can and will understand, this means the network “will ensure more complete and reliable wireless coverage and, with the right computer, give you a waaay faster network connection, up to four or five times faster than the current technologies.”

Logging onto MySlice is the definition of Hell.

Nine times out of ten, the user is denied access and redirected to “PeopleSoft.” Who are these people, and why are they so soft? Whether it’s registering for classes or simply adding money to your SUpercard, this website would leave even Bill Gates scratching his head. The site design is bland and navigation is tedious. It’s virtually impossible to back-click once you’ve made a selection, leaving the user in constant fear of whether or not they’re making the correct “MySlice decision.” Four pages into browsing for new classes and next thing you know you’re redirected back to the homepage. You just wanted to sign up for Human Sexuality, damn it!

While all of Otto’s juice, sweat, and tears may be going into AirOrangeX’s much needed upgrade, the university might want to consider MySlice too.

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NOISE Carnegie Doors or windows, God damnit?! Admit it - by sophomore year, you were screaming this in your sleep.

We’ve all been there – headed to MAT121 you sprint up the pillar-lined, old staircase and suddenly hit into the “door” like a half-blind pigeon would your grandma’s sliding door. And don’t forget about the shouts of “Freshman!” from afar.

CRACK. In your drunken sprint up the Mount stairs, you mangled your leg. A jungle-juice-enhanced shock convinces you to sleep the injury off, but in the morning, when your flawed logic unravels, you face an ultimatum: either suck it up and wobble through the week, or make the trek down to Health Services. We’ve put together a simple patient’s guide to having a successful visit.

Don’t forget your ID. Surprise!

Even though receptionists greet you when you walk in, you have to first sit down to a germy computer and swipe in. Only then can you check in.

Remember your insurance card. You have the option of hopping on board with the University’s healthcare plan, provided by Haylor, Freyer & Coon Insurance. For $3,552 a year, you can enjoy relaxed trips to outpatient specialty care units not located anywhere in Health Services. If you do forget to bring your card, though, don’t freak out—Health Services gives you two weeks after your appointment to get them a copy.

Pack a magazine. Due to massive influxes of student flushot recipients, Health Services easily gets backed up. Use your magazine as a makeshift cast or distraction while you sit in the oddly spacious and comfortable waiting area.

Be aware of the offered services. Health Services can’t provide you with free access to the X-ray machine for your leg, but they actually do have a lot of options that most students did not know exist. Take advantage of their barely used registered dietitian for confidential and nutrition counseling. Allergy and immunization services might help you fare better during the CNY winter. And as finals approach, don’t dismiss any emotional problems you may be dealing with. Your student healthcare fee covers Counseling Center services too.

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While Chancy Nancy steps up toward fantasies of a beloved yellow brick road-like “Connective Corridor,” students make climbs of their own.

And frankly, they all suck.

Bird Library The weatherman says it’s a 65 percent chance of rain today. That’s a 98 percent chance of you wiping out on the marble staircase leading to Bird. Hold your head high as you confidently walk into class late, looking like you just fell into Lake Onondaga and then promptly pissed yourself.

The Mount Sure, the dorms have their “own community.” Hell, you’re even still intimidated by the Flint Floor 4A friend group. But what the Mount has in cliqueproducing atmosphere, it matches in number of stairs. On the upside, you’re guaranteed the sculpted ass of a god. No wonder it’s pretty much a giant hilltop orgy.

Ernie Davis Finally, SU realized its mistakes and nixed the stairs. Now you can take a leisurely walk toward the Ernie Davis upper level destination of your choice. And thanks to the world’s longest ramp, 20 minutes later you might just make it to that location. If you jog, that is.

Schine They’re infamous. You could have sworn your tour guide devoted a solid five minutes to them. And they make you feel like a pigeon-toed old woman with degenerating leg muscles every time you waddle up them. These babies flank the student center with “uncomfortably close yet distinctly too far apart for a double step” steps on each side. Work those glutes as you awkwardly shuffle toward the Dunkin’ Ladies.

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NOISE

NOISE

Just when you think you have a moment to yourself on campus, a small, beady-eyed creeper chewing on someone’s leftover Jimmy John’s appears—ready to judge. Quietly hyperventilating up the hill to the Hall of Languages? Squirrel.

Accidentally singing the One Direction song playing on your iPod? Squirrel. Discreetly picking that wedgie in one of the makeshift stalls surrounding Bird Library? Three damn squirrels.

These Big-Brother-like-rodents have besieged campus—stuffing our secrets into their tails, and probably relaying them back to DPS. We’re on to you, you nut-munching, rabies-transmitting conspirators. And we’ll never get rid of them.

Commonly misconstrued as a different species, black squirrels just mutated for this climate.

Their dark fur absorbs more sun in the throes of winter. The same happens to freshman.

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The men scattered around Marshall Street would give the most aggressive Destiny USA kiosk-lady a run for her money.

At all fronts, they stand, ready to yell something at you—“Any change?” “Half-off T-shirt!”

“Don’t abort your baby!” It’s exhausting, and we won’t stand for it. Jerk is announcing its own campus-wide campaign to combat these boisterous assoles: Holla Back. Here are some appropriate answers to consider: “Yes, Shirt World man, I do in fact know about your store’s sweatshirt deal!

How? Because I walked by two minutes ago, and you told me."

You also told me last week. And last year. And freshman year.” “No, rotating homeless men outside Dunkin' Donuts, I don’t have any spare change! Actually I do, but you frighten me.” “If Hell doesn’t include you in it, Jesus man on Waverly, then I’m more than happy to be damned there for eternity. So there.”

Maybe we’re coming off harsh, but no one wants to get harassed in between classes. We’re just privileged, private-university kids trying to peacefully buy a six-dollar, skinny latte and artisan bagel. Leave. Us. Alone.

Every year, prospective students and their naïve parents ooh and ahh over SU’s blue light system.

They all nod in unison and put their hands on their childs’ shoulders, holding onto that last bit of suburban innocence. These emergency buttons, strategically placed at 152 locations on main and south campus by the DPS, supposedly provide immediate assistance to those in needs.

The reality of the situation remains annoyingly redundant. The Blue Light Towers

cover almost none of the campus’ active crime spots: Thorndon park, behind BBB, or past Marshall Street.

With fellow universities switching to the security of on-hand technology and colleges like American University creating trackers and voice messaging recorders out of students’ cell phones, SU has serious balls to depend on stationary towers that don’t even work.

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REWIND

5 Nancies = Kick Ass—This is what they make Sliders to.

4 Nancies = Good—An essential tune for your Flip Night soundtrack.

3 Nancies = Average—Just like an English degree.

2 Nancies = Bad—First in line for next year's Block Party.

1 Nancy = God Awful—Try it out at your next sorority mixer.

WHY?

TEEN DAZE

Mumps, etc.

The Inner Mansions

TOP TRACK: “JONATHAN'S HOPE”

TOP TRACK: "NEW LIFE"

BOTTOM TRACK: “WHITE ENGLISH”

BOTTOM TRACK: "GARDEN 1"

Something doubtful, hopeful, and thematic lives

You probably wouldn’t play The Inner Mansions at a

in Mumps, etc., the new LP from the alt rock/hip-

pregame. But this album proves that Teen Daze knows

hop band WHY? The opening track, “Jonathan's

how to tell a story. In his second full-length release,

Hope,” begins as a melodic instrumental that quickly

the Vancouver-based producer puts his own spin

transitions into a surprising rap when Yoni Wolf

on the electronic shoegaze genre. The record’s nine

rhymes, “When I got better from the mumps/ Yes, my

songs flow seamlessly, inviting listeners to a spacey,

swollen nut and neck shrunk.” The enigmatic journey

extra-terrestrial experience. Though his chill-wave

of love and loss continues with tracks like “Kevin’s

beats have undoubtable appeal, his ability to create

Cancer” and “Paper Hearts,” but by splitting their

an eclectic blend of soothing, dramatic ambient

sound between rapping and singing, the bipolar tunes

music makes this album truly intriguing. Because of

struggle to find cohesiveness. Thankfully, “As a Card”

the biblical allusions in “Garden 2” or the static voices

provides a solid ending to Mumps, etc., echoing the

on “New Life,” his hypnotic sound earns his moniker.

sentiments that begin the album.

—Samantha Cooper

BAT FOR LASHES

Illustration by Gabi Hastings

THE HAUNTED MAN TOP TRACK: "LAURA"

BOTTOM TRACK: "REST YOUR HEAD"

PERSERVATION HALL JAZZ BAND

—Gauraa Shekhar

TAME IMPALA Lonerism

St. Peter & 57th St. TOP TRACK: "MIND MISCHIEF"

On The Haunted Man, the English indie-rock singer Natasha Khan, under her stagename Bat For Lashes, evokes a raw and titillating sound. Driving listeners back to their animalistic desires and roots, this album offers a more sophisticated sound than her past records, with experimental, electro-pop beats complementary Khan’s ethereal voice. Like Florence + the Machine relies on water imagery, Bat for Lashes uses natural symbolism to reveal themes of sex, ambition, and the downfalls of fame. The album’s single, “Laura,” the only song with a simple piano melody, relies on the melancholy lyrics. The rest of the album employs tribal chants and instruments contrasted with electric sounds, setting the album’s theme of meditation and sensuality. Songs like “Oh Yeah” are filled with erotic instrumental arrangements and provocative lyrics, holding the listener captive throughout the track. Khan’s voice fluctuates from sweet and elegant to resonant and throbbing, forming rebellious vibes that will last long after the final track, “Deep Sea Diver,” ends.

TOP TRACK: "T'AINT NOBODY'S BUSINESS"

BOTTOM TRACK: "SUN'S COMING UP"

BOTTOM TRACK: "BONJOUR COUSIN"

Each song on Aussie band Tame Impala’s new album,

Still going strong after 50 plus years, Preservation Hall

Lonerism, is a unique neo-psychedelic creation.

Jazz Band succeeds at keeping the New Orleans sound

The tracks pulse and transform throughout their

alive on their latest LP. Tracks like “T’aint Nobody’s

one-to-six-minute lifespans. The techno-influenced

Business” and “Tootie Ma” bring the sass and rhythm

“Mind Mischief,” the buoyant, rhythmic “Be Above

missing from the Top 40. This entertaining compilation

It,” and the bohemian “Music to Walk Home By”

of songs engages listeners and holds their ears with

showcase their range of sound. Some of the songs

its combination of peppy, upbeat rhythms, and vintage

are reminiscent of modern indie psychedelia, while

jazz.The album isn’t particularly groundbreaking, nor is

others creatively encompass the atmosphere of 60s

it supposed to be. Preservation Hall Jazz Band reminds

and 70s acid rock. Those who relish oldies like The

listeners that brassy music is still alive, kicking, and

Beatles and Jimi Hendrix, and those who bask in

ready to deliver nostalgia.

the dreamlike trances of current psych-rockers like Rubblebucket and Deerhunter will appreciate the

—Emmy McAnaw

array of styles on Lonerism.

—Genny O’Fallon

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—Heather Rounds

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AMPLIFIED AMPLIFIED

THE LOWDOWN ON THE GET DOWN WITH HAVANA HAZEL

21 years old; Syracuse, N.Y. local

ACTIVE SINCE: 2010

CREW: The Freezer

BRANDON STROUSE

By Lizzy Kahn : Photo by Jordy Brazo SOUNDS LIKE: Jazz-inspired old school hip-hop.

WHAT HE JERKS TO:

LIKES: Streetwear, skateboarding, thrift stores, Chicago, and Spark Contemporary Art Space

Dave Brubeck, J. Cole, Nas., and Joey Badass.

UNLIKELY SOURCE OF INSPIRATION:

BEST SONGS:

Strouse’s mellow demeanor comes from his passion for both skateboarding and snowboarding. He describes it as, “not so much the physical part, but more from the mentality of it. The idea of it being so free form and being able to do whatever you want to do with it.” These elements of youth, freedom, and open-mindedness can be found in Strouse’s music as well as his approach to fashion and design.

"Alter Ego" and "Music"

WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN UP: His slick delivery and speedy flow often contradict his humble attitude. Impressive rhymes paired with hazy beats create chill, laidback vibes—much like Strouse's personality.

WHY HE’S NOT TYPICAL: Strouse isn’t set on pursuing music as a career yet. He often debates between working on his lyrics over his communications design work. Strouse describes himself as having “a lot of passion for a lot of different things.”

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WHERE YOU CAN HEAR HIM: You can check out his mixtapes, Birthday-EP and From Zero, on Datpiff.com.

SEX

Dear Havana, My boyfriend asked if he could pee on my stomach during foreplay. I’ve heard of guys wanting to cum on girls, but the idea of someone taking a leak on me is disgusting.

How can I say no without insulting him?

Dear Havana, Last week I came home to find my boyfriend aggressively humping a blow-up doll in our bed.

I’ve had to work a lot lately, and I’m concerned this plastic doll gives him more pleasure than my real lady parts. What should I do?

Petrified of Pee, Your boyfriend obviously trusts you enough to tell you his fantasy, so don’t immediately deny him and crush his pee-verted dream.

Sometimes a man just wants you to embrace the warmth of his golden shower.

That said, the place for urination is in the toilet—or potentially a bush, parking lot, or the side of the road depending on his level of sobriety. But let your guy down politely without hurting his feelings. Suggest an activity kinky enough to satisfy his urge, without giving him 100 percent permission to turn your wonderland into his doghouse.

Lotion, for example; he can unleash a lavender-scented cascade all over you, as long as he gives you a full-body massage. That way he gets his fix of lubing you—without spraying his Diet Coke from lunch all over your perfectly-toned tummy.

While expanding your sexual boundaries should be encouraged, you should never enter a place of terror or repulsion. Occasionally, your guy may nudge you into “Fifty Shades of Freak” territory, but don’t let him coax you into drinking the juice. And once he gets the chance to lotion you up, the boy won’t think twice about streaming anywhere but the urinal.

Banished by Plastic, I can’t imagine a rubber dick would ever satiate my womanly needs—even a vibrating one.

Your boyfriend probably feels the same about his synthetic mistress. Without the loud sexy moans, sweats, and dirty talk, neither party has any fun. From the way you flip your hair, to the brightness of your smile, cold plastic has nothing on your warm body. You’ve got this bitch beat by just breathing.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t include Blow-up Barbie in your love play. She may not pant and thrust like you, but she can literally bend like a pretzel. No wonder the sex doll industry is booming in the Far East.

Just push your man on the bed and climb on with your new friend. While you nibble up north, he has someone taking care of business down south. If you get too jealous, Barbie can always spectate.

Embrace your boyfriend’s silicone-infused companion. Let him know you’re just as into her as he is. She may take the bed while you’re away, but when you get home he’ll know who’s really inflating his "ego."

And if that doesn’t work—pop the bitch. jm

Send your sexual conundrums to sex@jerkmagazine.net

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SYNAPSE

DISCOVERSYR

The Forbidden Fruit

FILM In Organic We Trust

MUSIC

The Beatles Stereo Vinyl Box Set

Spearheaded by producer and director Kip Pastor,

On Nov. 13, everyone’s favorite British invaders,

the 2012 documentary explores the nation’s

The Beatles, will release a career-spanning vinyl

growing organic trend, unraveling the truth

box set featuring material from the foursome’s

behind the food industry’s biggest marketing

very own Apple Records label. Vinyl sure has

scam. In other words, organic apples are bullshit.

made a comeback, but at a hefty $399.99, it’s no

Check out the trailer at inorganicwetrust.org/ videos.

wonder everyone has gone digital.

TELEVISION $24 in 24

Art Michael Tompert

Host Jeff Mauro searches for cheap but tasty grub

Michael Tompert, in true sadistic artist fashion,

in $24 in 24 as he travels to America’s go-to food

derives beauty from the shattered, burned, and

locations, including the biggest apple of them all,

destroyed remnants of Apple products. Although

New York City. From loaded bagels to satiating

slightly disturbing to non-art folk, Tompert’s high

dinners, Mauro finds the best of the best within a

definition photographs of destructed machine

budget—ideal for college students. $24 in 24 airs

sculptures portray a truly unique vision. To see

Mondays at 10:30 p.m. on The Food Network.

his—ahem—work, visit tompert.com.

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Syracuse Real Food Co-Op Bypass Tops and buy local.

In Orangic We Trust. foodday.com; 18 Oct 2012; Beatles Vynel Box Set. theinquisiter.com. 18 Oct 2012; 24 in 24. foodnetwork.com. 18 Oct 2012; Michael Tompert. photogallerycreator.net. 18 Oct 2012

Only weeks after the monumental release of the iPhone 5, Apple announced its plans for the iPad Mini. Technology aside, this delicious red sphere bombards our heads more than it did to Sir Isaac Newton’s. With fall in full swing, we've experienced apple pies, apple picking, applesauce—just about everything but Apple Bottom jeans. Enjoy this selection of staffapproved items, so you can finally get the craving out of your system.

How do you like them apples?

618 Kensington Road

By Emmie Martin : Photos by Rachel Fisher Two blocks from Westcott Street sits a small, discreet building recognizable only by a mural of sunflowers painted over its doors. This is the Syracuse Real Food Coop, and it has over 2,400 owners.

Membership requires only an interest in natural food and a one-time $100 fee.

Since 1972, when a group of friends began pooling money to afford local, organic foods, the co-op’s core values have remained member-centric. Quality products, customer feedback, and open membership make the co-op feel more like Mom’s pantry and less like a store.

Between the tin roof and wooden floors, a bright barrage of fresh produce greets visitors on the right, while aisles of glutenfree and vegan products expound to the left. The co-op aims to provide customers with not-readily-available foods like wheat bran or flaxseed.

Along the back wall of refrigerated shelves stocked with meats and cheeses, Don DeVeau, marketing and member services coordinator, points to green

stickers indicating locally raised items.

And buying locally lessens transportation costs and subsequently air pollution, while helping to keep businesses running.

One customer notices packages of grape-sized green and red fruits labeled “kiwi berries” and asks the woman stocking the shelves about them. “Here, try one,” the employee replies, holding the package open. It’s just another instance where the co-op encourages feedback and conversation within its walls. Outside, it strives to stay an active member of the Syracuse community. Recently, it tabled at the Westcott Street Cultural Fair and partnered with ArtRage Gallery to screen films like Fresh, which focuses on communities reinventing food systems.

From donating to local non-profits to hosting craft beer tasting events, the co-op aims for community involvement and loyalty to its owners. Its quaintness separates it from big-name stores. “If you come here on a regular basis,” DeVeau says, “people will know your name.” jm JERK

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speakeasy

Bob Barker, the Hot Dog King, knows his condiments. He's parked his hot dog stand in the same spot across from the Dome for 32 years. Jerk talked to this newly single grillmaster about his quirky service and signature cowboy hat. Ladies, who wants a hot dog?

Story by Nicole Fisher : Photos by Kayla Rice

What did you do before you sold hotdogs?

I was a construction worker. I worked on a lot of buildings and highways. One day, 32 years ago, I was hit by a drunk guy and couldn’t work because I hurt my back. I went downtown in Syracuse and saw a bunch of guys sitting on the curb eating their bagged lunches. I decided to make a long cart and sell hot dogs, and I made so much money the first day I never went back to construction.

Why do you wear a cowboy hat?

At first I wore my cap. But I thought I needed something special, so 32 years ago I went out and got the cowboy hat. On weekends for games I wear my tux with it, like in the photo on the side of my cart. Now people just look for the hat.

Syracuse has dubbed you the King of Hot Dogs.

Do you have any other secret nicknames?

The Jitterbug King. I love to tap dance, and in 1957 I won The New York State Dancing Championship. It was a big, local version of Dancing with the Stars.

What are the most hot dogs someone has ever bought and downed in one shot?

Probably seven. This one guy just kept eating them in front of my cart and didn’t stop. I gave him a free lemonade to wash them down.

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What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m single now. I like to go out dancing with the ladies. I don’t drink or smoke. I don’t gamble, but I do like meeting the ladies and taking them to dinner. My favorite dinner spot is Dominick's, and my dish is the rigatoni and meatballs.

What is the latest song you've got stuck in your head?

Just tap danced to it: “Fly Me to the Moon”

by Sinatra. You know, I met Frank back in the day. I was a bodyguard for his brother and at a nightclub. His wife came by and stopped in Syracuse too. I also met Mickey Mantle, number seven. He was so drunk. He said, “Hey pop, thanks for taking care of me.” He used to talk about how a thousand dollars was so much, and back then it was like a million. He was a nice guy.

If you were an animal, what would you be?

A horse. I had a beautiful horse, Golden Star, who was a Golden Palomino. She and I would do many parades since I’m a local celebrity. I would put on my western outfit and ride her, waving at the people. Now I drive a yellow Mustang convertible and sit in the back of a car like a big ham—I mean hot dog.

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FORM&FUNCTION

Vomit stains: Your Chipotle is on my shoulder.

HOW TO DRESS LIKE A BOUNCER

Tight black shirt: Respect the pecs.

Drink: Steroids on the rocks.

IDs: 22-year-olds from Pennsylvania really like to party.

Sunglasses: Shielding my eyes to creep on freshmen.

PHOTOGRAPHER: ALTAN JAMES STYLIST: NANCY OGANEZOV MODEL: MAX BERKOWITZ

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