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Voice Notes: The Price of #reallife by Rivky Itzkowitz
The Price of #reallife
By Rivky Itzkowitz
Over the winter, I gave birth.
That was the purposely vague announcement I made Mother’s Day of this year.
I’m a frum female businessowner which, in 2022, is synonymous with Instagram personality or “influencer.” As of this writing, I have 8,627 followers on Instagram and about 5,000 monthly podcast listeners, none of whom knew that I was even pregnant.
The unusual decision to aggressively hide my pregnancy started out as a practical one. I use myself as the fit model for my line, which means that I try on rough versions of the clothes as I design. The day after I found out I was pregnant, I sat down and mapped out all the styles that I wanted to release over the next year and got to work designing them in one batch. If I wanted to keep my design process the same, I needed to create everything that would be released over the course of my pregnancy and 3-month maternity leave before I started showing.
As is required of small businesses in 2022, I closely document the process of creating my designs and post those behind-the-scenes looks as I work. Which is where pregnancy created a problem.
Since I had to create designs months in advance, I was creating the associated work-in-progress videos months in advance as well. If I appeared visibly pregnant one day and not at all pregnant the next, viewers would be understandably confused and most likely concerned. I didn’t see any reason to cause a stir and certainly didn’t want to field dozens of messages a day asking if I’d miscarried.
And so, I hid my pregnancy. I pre-recorded videos I knew could be used in a few different ways, hired other models, framed videos to crop out my ever-growing belly, and used several clever camera angles to disguise the (literally) huge changes happening in my life.
Originally, I wasn’t sure if I would eventually announce my pregnancy, or birth, but the longer I hid my pregnancy, and by extension the entirety of my personal life, the more confident I became in my radical decision.
In 2016, at 21 years old, I made the decision to not be anonymous to promote my company. Looking back, I can say with complete certainty that I did not fully understand the implications of that decision. At the time, and even more so now, having a company meant having an Instagram account. Once I had the account, it felt required to showcase my family, then just me and my husband. So that’s exactly what we did. Instead of posting solo pictures wearing my dresses at a family simcha, I posted the couples shot. I used photos of the two of us on vacation to announce times when the website would be closed. New styles were launched with a photo of me wearing the new design sitting next to my husband in a coordinating tie.
Over the next few years, as I spent more time in the online space as a viewer, I noticed myself becoming uncomfortable with the way personal lives were shared. Bloggers would ask their audiences not to approach their children in public because it scared the kids. Tantruming children were videoed and posted with #reallife.
I began to wonder whose fault it was that thousands of strangers know what a child looks like and feel comfortable enough to approach them on a playground. And what would happen next time that child gets a little upset and a video of him having a complete meltdown flashes before his teacher’s eyes?
I recognize the dichotomy here. For every person cringing while they can’t take their eyes away from this type of content, there’s someone who takes comfort and feels seen. To be clear, I don’t think that social media is an inherently bad thing. I believe that for our community especially, it has been a net positive. For it to continue to be that way we need to get honest with ourselves.
We need to be honest about the fact that as consumers we feel entitled to lives of the women we watch online. This is simply not reasonable. No one is entitled to details of anybody else’s life, no matter how much they post or share with the public.
As creators, we need to take responsibility for the normal human reactions people have to our content and adjust accordingly. Recognize that a majority of your audience see you every single day, scrolling late at night in bed while lying in bed next to their spouses. It’s a highly intimate relationship that you profit from. Frankly, I don’t believe creators have a right to be upset when they are on the receiving end of advice, suggestions, comments or even awkward real-life in-
teractions that border on inappropriate.
You want your followers to feel close to you. Congratulations, you’ve accomplished that. As humans, we are generally less filtered with those we feel closest to.
Ultimately, I did decide to announce something when I was several months postpartum. Being a mother has made me a completely different version of myself, and I wanted to introduce that new Rivky to my audience whom I truly care about very much. But no child of mine was going to have their anonymity stripped at birth. So, over the winter I gave birth – and all other details are just not for public consumption.
The reactions were varied and intense. 95% of people were simply happy for me and shocked that I had managed to pull it off. The other 5% were deeply hurt. Several followers confessed that they felt tricked.
I admit that I should have seen that coming. There are thousands of people who feel quite close to me. I would also be upset if someone I felt close to didn’t mention that she was pregnant until months after she gave birth.
I don’t regret my decision. The reality is that I don’t know who any of these people are, there’s no way for me to verify that they are safe, and I’m not willing to take that gamble. At the same time, I could have done a better job at the outset of acknowledging the complicated feelings this brought up for some people.
The one accusation I will not stand for is that since I don’t share my family online, I am not “real” or “authentic.”
This is absolutely ludicrous for several reasons, the main one being that we do not need to know every detail of a person’s life for them to be a real human.
I stopped posting photos of my husband and sharing details of my personal life years ago. It felt cheap, lazy, and work was the last thing I wanted to be thinking about when we were spending time together. The result was people fell in love with my point of view, my stance on size inclusivity and body positivity in the frum community, and my designs. The fact that I am a mom is not the only fact about me that is worth sharing. Trust me, I’ve always had plenty to say.
When I see baby announcements now, I’ll admit they make me cringe.
Watching a video of the moment a woman I’ve never met shows her husband those two lines feels intrusive. A part of me wonders if everyone around me has gone crazy or if I’m the crazy one as I scroll through the hundreds of b’shaa tova comments on a post.
I think my reaction stems from having had all those same moments exclusively with the people in my day-to-day life. And I know that while some truly enjoy sharing, most creators posting highly personal content feel the obligation to do so to keep their audiences engaged. I wish those creators knew they don’t have to make that sacrifice, and there are ways to run an account that don’t sap your energy.
We already know the harmful effects social media has on our mental health and how watching everyone else’s highlight reel makes our regular lives feel dull in comparison. So what exactly do we gain from knowing more information about someone’s life than we could ever possibly need?
And more importantly, is it worth
it?
Rivky Itzkowitz is the founder and designer at Impact Fashion, a modest clothing line available in sizes 2-24. She can be found on Instagram @impact.fashion.nyc where she’ll answer almost any questions about her business and almost no questions about her personal life. Her podcast, Be Impactful, can be found on all listening apps. See her designs at impactfashionnyc.com.
Dedication of Rosh Kollel’s Office ה”ע ןיוועל יולה לארשי נ”על ה”ע ןלפק היתב עבשילאו
Beis Medrash Vestibule Entrance
THE BLOOM FAMILY
לארשי ‘ר נ”על ה”ע ןהכה ןימינב ‘ר ןב
MR. & MRS. URI & DEVORAH DREIFUS Ner Tamid
MR. & MRS. NACHUM & HENNY FUTERSAK
MR. & MRS. ALON & CHANIE GOLDBERGER Sha’ar of New Beis Medrash
MR. & MRS. NACHMAN & ESTHER GOODMAN
Entrance of Beis Medrash Building
THE K TEAM
MR. & MRS. MOTTY & HADASSA JACOBOWITZ
Promenade Vestibule
MR. & MRS. URI & ESTHER KAUFMAN
MR. & MRS. CHAIM SHOLOM & RIVKY LEIBOWITZ Associate Dean’s Office
MR. & MRS. SHMULI & MIRIAM MENDEL
Sha’ar of New Beis Medrash קחצי לאומש ןב הירא השמ נ”על ל”ז ןמדעירפ יולה
MR. & MRS. MENASH & MIMI ORATZ
Basketball Court in Elementary School Gym
MR. & MRS. SHIA & ELANA OSTREICHER
Beis Medrash Building Vestibule
MR. & MRS. KEYVAN & ANN RABBANI MR. & MRS MORDECHAI & ELISHEVA ROSEN
Illumination of New Beis Medrash
MR. & MRS. ARI & DANIELLA SCHWARTZ
Plumbing Training Center Dedicated ל”ז ןהכה לכימ לאיחי ןב המלש םהרבא נ”על ל”צז ןויצ ןב םחנמ םייח ‘רה ןב םהרבא ‘רה נ”על
ALL BORO CONSTRUCTION
נ”על The children, bochurim, and all 45 neshamos of the Miron tragedy, Lag Baomer 5781 ל”צז רדנב םהרבא ברה ןב דוד ‘ר ג”הרה נ”על ל”ז יולה בקעי ברה תב היח היתב תינברהו ה”ע יכדרמ ןב גילעז נ”על ה”ע םולש עטנ ןב רזעלא השמ נ”על ה”ע השמ ןב דוד נ”על ה”ע לאקזחי ןב ןתנ השמ ‘רה ה”ע םהרבא ןב לארשיו
Mr. & Mrs. Simcha & Shani Applegrad Mr. & Mrs. Barry & Paula Bokow Mr. & Mrs. Berel & Sherry Daskal Mr. & Mrs. Binyomin & Leah Einhorn Mr. & Mrs. Naftoli & Chani Einhorn Mr. & Mrs. Michael & Mimi Fragin Mr. & Mrs. Evan & Chaya Sara Genack Rabbi & Rebbetzen Chaim Aryeh Zev & Avigail Ginzberg Mr. & Mrs. Samuel & Beverly Goldberger Mr. & Mrs. Tzali & Chana Shira Gutman Mr. & Mrs. Ari & Aliza Haas Mr. & Mrs. Moshie & Naomi Horn Mr. & Mrs. Shlomo & Kayla Horowitz Mr. & Mrs. Menachem & Elisheva Jacobowitz Mr. & Mrs. Mordechai & Shana Jacobs Mr. & Mrs. Jeff & Tamar Landy Mr. & Mrs. Yosef & Vivi Moskowitz Mr. & Mrs. Yitzy & Rivky Orbach Mr. & Mrs. Ephram & Ilana Ostreicher Mr. & Mrs. Mutty & Bracha Ribowsky Mr. & Mrs. David & Sima Rosenfeld Mr. & Mrs. Dovid & Chani Roll Dr. & Mrs. Zvi & Dina Schreiber Mr. & Mrs. David & Debbie Seltzer Mr. & Mrs. Andrew & Stephani Serotta Mr. & Mrs. Marvin & Judy Sigler Mr. & Mrs. Morris & Devora Smith Mr. & Mrs. Yehuda & Mindy Zachter
Yeshiva Darchei Torah’s new capital project will encompass a Mesivta Beis Medrash and its first-ever Residence Hall. The Beis Medrash building will be comprised of 34,200 total square feet on 4 Stories and will serve 500 talmidim in grades 8-11. It will contain 15 Classrooms. The 43,000 square foot Residence Hall will contain 68 dormitory rooms serving 271 talmidim.
Get in on the ground floor of this monumental project.
To choose from a wide selection of sponsorships at all levels, please contact:
Rabbi Zev Bald
718.868.2300 ext. 232 zbald@darchei.org
Rabbi Baruch Rothman 718.868.2300 ext. 406 brothman@darchei.org
