Kinnos and the Stages of Grief

The Jewish Home | AUGUST 4, 2022 Jewish Thought Kinnos and the Stages of Grief

By Adina Broder, MS, JD

Tisha B’Av commemorates several catastrophes, most notably the destruction of both Batei Mikdash. Two of the main components of the day are (1) fasting, and (2) reciting kinnos (liturgical poems of grief and anguish). Both of these observances are meant to help us fulfill the obligation to mourn the tragedies that befell the Jewish people.

Anyone who has experienced aveilus (mourning) over a loved one will note that there aren’t similar practices during the week of shiva. An aveil is not obligated to abstain from food nor is he required to utter prayers of sadness and loss. (In the Mourners’ Kaddish, there is no mention of grief or even death. Instead, the tefillah proclaims the greatness of Hashem as a way of affirming Hashem’s justice during a period when one’s faith might be challenged.) Since Tisha B’Av is a day of mourning, why does it include these additional observances?

The difference in our practices between shiva and Tisha B’Av can be explained by the Gemara (Yevamos 43b) which differentiates between aveilus chadashah, a “new” mourning caused by a tragedy which strikes a family or an individual, and aveilus yeshanah, an “old” mourning resulting from a historical disaster. Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik, in Out of the Whirlwind: Essays on Mourning, Suffering and the Human Condition, describes the first type, aveilus chadashah, as follows: “It is a primordial, instinctual, spontaneous response of man to evil, to the traumatic confrontation with death, to the impact of catastrophe and disaster. It is an existential response, not one that evolves by the application of artificial stimuli.”

By contrast, for aveilus yeshanah, it is difficult to have an impulsive reaction because the wound is no longer fresh. As such, this type of mourning needs to be artificially induced. That is the function of fasting and saying kinnos on Tisha B’Av: to evoke feelings of anguish and loss that wouldn’t otherwise come naturally to us.

But how do these observances accomplish this goal? In what way can abstaining from food and reciting liturgical poems for this aveilus yeshanah externally induce us to feel a similar type of mourning that we instinctively feel over an aveilus chadashah?

With regards to fasting, the idea is that indulging the demands of the body is inconsistent with attending to matters of the soul. Simply put, one can concentrate more fully on grief when refraining from eating.

As for the kinnos, if analyzed closely, one will find that the paytanim (poets who composed the kinnos) tapped into the feelings that are generally associated with mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Long before these constructs would become known as the “Five Stages of Grief,” the paytanim intuited that one who experiences mourning will undergo each of these emotions (although not necessarily in sequential order). Therefore, if the objective of the kinnos is to rouse and cultivate a sense of bereavement, they must incorporate these elements. The kinnos accomplish this poignantly and effectively.

Denial: In this stage, one struggles to grasp the tragedy that has occurred. This is the essence of the word “eichah,” which not only begins three chapters of Megillas Eichah but also many of the kinnos. Eichah is translated as “how can it be so,” and it is an expression of utter bewilderment and incomprehension over what has transpired. This idea is found in Kinnah #6, which expresses our incredulity that the Jewish people, who were once an exalted nation, suddenly became the objects of derision and scorn. Similarly, in Kinnah #10, we struggle to fathom how there are no longer kohanim performing their service.

Anger: The pain from a loss is often expressed as bitterness or outrage. Examples of these emotions are found in Kinnos #7, #13, and #18, where we object to having lost our prior close relationship with Hashem. We complain that we are being deprived of something which we were promised and to which we are entitled. In questioning Hashem, we ask how He could let this happen and why He didn’t protect us. (It is important to note that usually we don’t indulge in this sort of query, instead adhering to the principle of tzidduk ha’din, that Hashem’s judgment is unquestionably correct. Only on Tisha B’Av is it condoned.)

Bargaining: In this stage, one strives to find something that can be done to restore the situation to how it was prior to the tragedy. This is beautifully expressed in Kinnah #8, where we ask Hashem to help us find the words that would effectively advocate for our redemption and convince Hashem to return us from our sorrow.

Depression: The bereaved wonders how life can continue in the face of the tragedy. This despair and despondency is captured in Kinnah #28, where we profess that our grief over the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash is so great, that it is impossible for us to be comforted.

Acceptance: Finally, one acknowledges and accepts the calamity that has occurred. In a Torah framework, this is taken a step further, where, although we may not understand the tragedy, we recognize that it was the correct, true judgment. Kinnah #9 demonstrates this concept when it describes Bnei Yisrael not following the ways of the Torah, thereby bringing upon themselves the punishments that were outlined in the tochecha of Parshas Bechukosai. In this kinah, we acknowledge that the suffering that we were forced to endure was retribution for our misdeeds. We see this idea expressed even more explicitly in Kinnah #19, entitled, “You Hashem were righteous.” In this kinah, we accept the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash as punishment for our many sins over the course of history.

In a recent book by David Kessler, an expert on bereavement, he identifies a sixth stage of grief, which he calls “meaning.” In this final stage, a person can transform his loss into a hopeful, uplifting experience. Like the first five stages, this stage of grief is also incorporated into the kinnos. Many of them conclude with a sentence echoing the sentiment of the final pasuk of Megillas Eichah: Hashivenu Hashem eilecha venashuva (Bring us back to You Hashem and we shall return). This verse is meant to galvanize us to do teshuva and to correct our misbehaviors.

We see that the recitation of kinnos can be very impactful on our Tisha B’Av experience – provided, of course, that one comprehends the message that each kinnah is conveying. With understanding and appreciation, reciting the kinnos can induce feelings of mourning over events in the past and also rouse us to change our present behavior in order to bring about the ultimate redemption in the (hopefully near) future.

Adina Broder, MS, JD, is the author of Meaningful Kinnos: Kinnos for Tisha B’Av with Explanations, which is available on Amazon.com, Feldheim.com and in bookstores. She is a professor at Touro Graduate School of Education and a Judaic Studies teacher at Shulamith High School for Girls. She has authored several books and gives workshops on various pedagogical topics. She can be contacted at broderworkshops@gmail.com.