Moving On by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb Moving On

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Twelve years ago, when my husband, z”l, and I moved up here from Florida, I thought it would be a good idea to see if I could submit an article to a local Shabbos paper. I’d had a column for many years in Florida, and it seemed like a fun idea.

I’d only tried one other paper, which already had a therapist writing for it, before I contacted The Jewish Home. I remember that first conversation with Shoshana Soroka, the editor, very well. “I don’t know,” she said. “We had someone writing for a short while and he ran out of ideas. Do you think you’d have what to write about every week?”

Funny, isn’t it?

I never did run out of ideas, and I don’t know when I will. Probably never.

But, inevitably, there were “issues” that came up. “Can you just stick to your topic, Dr. Deb?” Shoshana pleaded. “Can you leave out the Torah references?”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I responded. I’m a Torah Jew. I love G-d every minute and try to follow His dictates. And I want people to know that this psychotherapy stuff is not really a separate domain. It’s all part of the whole. Ein od milvado. I absolutely do not have a ‘work hat’ and a ‘home hat.’ I’m the same person in both places.”

I must have said something like that, and Shoshana good-naturedly left my Torah references in. As she once told me, “Well, that’s how Dr. Deb is, I figured.”

Yeah.

In my broader work, I see people of all faiths and try to meet them where they’re comfortable. But even then, I just might share one of my values from Torah with them if I think it will support them or their own values. To me, it’s all about what is best for them as people.

Once, maybe twice, I let a current events topic seep into the article because it meant so much to me and, baruch Hashem we were on the same page there.

But I really didn’t want to veer off the course of helping marriages get better. Being able to make shalom between a

My intention has always been to shine a light on the depth and complexity of marriage – and find solutions for its troubles.

husband and wife is a bracha, and I’m grateful to HaKadosh Baruch Hu for giving me this passion.

For that reason, I’ve struggled under an enormously heavy workload to keep up writing these articles. (My workload got so heavy that I had to hire two therapists – and that was a very difficult job. Finding people with my professional values, training, and experience has been no easy matter.)

I’ve heard from many, many of you, and I appreciate all your wonderful comments and compliments. People have recognized me as far away as

Brooklyn, another world as far as I’m concerned.

My intention has always been to shine a light on the depth and complexity of marriage – and find solutions for its troubles. I remember a wonderful rabbi back in Florida that I was consulting with about a couple that he referred to me. “Why can’t you just tell them to be nice?” he once asked.

If only it were that simple. Everyone wants to be nice. But we don’t always do what we thought we wanted to when a heated moment drives our passions and our fears into another direction.

Emotions are tricky things.

In fact, that is the exact reason why I practice a combination of positive selftalk and Internal Family Systems with people. These seem to have a more powerful effect on the emotions on a permanent basis.

But, unfortunately, the subject is not light or fun. People suffering from painful marriages are basically missing their lives. There is no way to whitewash this truth. How do you reconcile “Ivdu es Hashem b’simcha” with suffering every single day emotionally in your most important relationship?

That is what has been driving my continued efforts to turn out an article every week; it’s been my gift to the community. Whether a couple reaches out to me for more personalized, tailored help or not, it’s still something I’ve felt the need to do.

Nevertheless, this process is soon coming to an end in this medium. For those of you wanting to continue to read what I write, no worries; I have a blog on my website with pretty much the same content. All you need to do to access it is go to my site and sign up for the blog by email at https://drdeb.com.

It’s been a fantastic twelve years. I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly thank Shoshana for giving me a chance to be “me” right here in these pages. That means the world to me.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/ myw-masterclass.