School of Thought

Should Parents Take Sides?

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, I am a teacher, and I am really glad you are helping parents see the issues we deal with from the teacher’s side of the desk.

There is a growing issue that I would be grateful if you brought to the attention of your readers.

Every day, we are faced with a class of students, and we try to do our very best to teach and reach them. I know I do! Yet parents forget that they might not know the whole story when their child comes home and voices a complaint. Many immediately “take their child’s side” and even worse than blindly agreeing with their child and putting down the teacher in front of the child, go on WhatsApp to badmouth the teacher to other parents.

I put “take their child’s side” in quotes because there shouldn’t be sides! Parents and teachers should be on the same side! What happened to dan l’kaf zechus? What happened to understanding that a child had a hard day and might have acted out of line? What happened to understanding that even if a teacher might have had a hard day, you are only getting a slice of the story, and the story is not exactly as reported?

Children can’t always see the whole picture. They need a parent to help them learn to model not to jump to conclusions and not to catastrophize what could be a small issue, often easily resolved.

The best gift a parent can give to their child is for the child to hear compliments and praise about the teacher, and for all complaints to be saved for times the child is not around, to be dealt with directly with the teacher.

Thank you. -One of a Million Dedicated Teachers A: Dear One of A Million Dedicated Teachers,

Thank you for your very important letter! When a child has a negative relationship with his/her teacher, the fallout can be troublesome. It can affect a child’s academic performance but also can make being in school every day an uncomfortable place to be.

Obviously, parents want what is best for their child. Sometimes, it might seem like sticking up for them in any disagreement is a good idea. But the teacher means well and wants the same thing parents do: to help children succeed and have a productive year.

Parents, when your child comes home from school, ask open-ended questions, keeping an open mind as you do. Ask, “How was school? What did you learn today? What is the most interesting thing you learned? Was there anything that surprised you today that you didn’t know and would have thought differently about before today?”

Remember that you are seeing your child after a long, rigorous, and tiring day of learning, and his/her mood might simply be a reflection of that. And they might be hungry, or tired, or had an uncomfortable ride home.

Establish a way to communicate with your child’s teacher. If your child’s mood and negativity persist, reach out in a neutral way and ask if the teacher has noticed anything, and if they can look out to see what is going on. Don’t wait until PTA. By then, if there is a

problem, it might be harder Help your child see things to fix. A seat change, extra attention, and other small from another perspective, changes might cause a big to allow for the fact that change for your child. Be encouraging and some days are better than positive. Help your child others, and hopefully the see things from another perspective, to allow for next day will be better. the fact that some days are better than others, and hopefully the next day will be better. Work on building a strong relationship with the teacher. Send a note complimenting the project, the d’var Torah, the way your child knew the material. Send in a small gift before Yom Tov. Before Rosh Hashana, my sister makes honey cakes for her teachers; my friend gives a small honey bear and a note. This lets the teacher know that you recognize and appreciate their hard work. It also sends a strong message to your child that you support the teacher and gives them a framework in which they can learn to appreciate the teacher as well. If something seems really wrong, of course, reach out to the teacher. Privately. Without your child in the room or within earshot. Stay neutral as you ask questions and share your concerns. Even if it is not the best situation, model mature conflict resolution by staying calm and dealing with the issues, without getting personal. Give your child every possible chance of having a positive year, by staying positive yourself. Kesiva v’chasima tova! -Etti

Mrs. Etti Siegel holds an MS in Teaching and Learning/Educational Leadership and brings sound teaching advice to her audiences culled from her over 35 years of teaching and administrative experience. She is an Adjunct at the College of Mount Saint Vincent/Sara Shenirer. She is a coach and educational consultant for Catapult Learning, is a sought-after mentor and workshop presenter around the country, and a popular presenter for Sayan (a teacher-mentoring program), Hidden Sparks, and the Consortium of Jewish Day Schools. She is a frequent contributor to Hamechanech Magazine and The Journal for Jewish Day School leaders. She will be answering your education-based questions and writing articles weekly for The Jewish Home. Mrs. Siegel can be reached at ettisiegel@gmail.com.