Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I am a sophomore in a girls’ yeshiva in the Five Towns and the oldest in a large family (one of seven). I would say that I am an above average student, but I work very hard because good grades do not come easily to me, but it is something I really care about.

My mother works part-time, but she is constantly working in the house, making sure everything runs smoothly. She truly is a “professional mom,” cleaning, shopping, cooking, and taking care of all our needs. She has devoted herself to our family. My father works long hours, comes home exhausted, and often goes out to learn. Because money is tight, we don’t have a lot of cleaning help. My mother relies on me a lot. My siblings and I help with the many household chores, but I am expected to do the most because I’m the oldest. I often feel that I am missing out on my social life. I would like to be out more with my friends.

Summer vacation is almost over, and I am beginning to feel anxious because I know what awaits me when school begins. Sometimes, I lock myself in my room oblivious to all my surroundings. I study, do homework, and speak to my friends. Is it selfish of me to be this way? I feel very guilty! I am in a crisis. What should I do?

Sincerely, A Student in Crisis

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Dear Student in a Crisis,

I will try to help you help yourself figure out what your next step should be. I am speaking now as a mother,

grandmother, great-grandmother and principal of a girls’ yeshiva. I understand your plight!

The first thing that you should realize is that all of your feelings, including both the sense of guilt when you feel you should be helping out more (or even that you should want to help out more) and the competing feeling that you are missing out on your social life, are understandable. The fact that you are questioning your actions

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

shows me you are a unique individual with very fine middos. You have a sense of what is right and wrong and that will help guide you on a good path.

The second thing that you must realize is that you are very fortunate and blessed to be in a large family. Your important and valuable role in helping your family gives you an amazing opportunity to demonstrate selfless devotion to others, most importantly, to your parents. These selfless actions, while not always “fun,” will make you feel good and ultimately fulfilled.

It would be interesting for you to note

from a crisis. It is a conflict. Having the wisdom and maturity now to navigate this conflict successfully is not easy for a teenage girl. However, your question and the way you presented it show me that you can gain the proper perspective, alleviate your emotional stress, and point yourself in the right direction. When parents create in their children a sense of responsibility to the family unit, everyone benefits. It also helps when there is an understanding by all the family members that chores are divided according to age, not necessarily

It is a normal, healthy reaction to be conflicted by your desire to do “good” and your desire to be with friends.

that your fear of missing out on your social life might possibly represent a misplaced sense of importance on social life. Of course, having meaningful friendships is extremely important, but no meaningful friendship will suffer because you are spending time helping family. In fact, being a more devoted daughter, a more selfless person, will make you a more attractive friend.

It is a normal, healthy reaction to be conflicted by your desire to do “good” and your desire to be with friends. This is far gender. And certain chores must be done regardless of domestic help in the house. For example, children should make their own bed and those who are old enough, should do their own laundry. Vacuuming, sweeping, and setting the table are some of the chores that perhaps could be performed by siblings. This is something you can discuss with your mother if you haven’t already done so.

Growing up in today’s society, you and every other young adult have a challenge. We live in a culture that perpetuates the concept of “I.” Not just iPod, iPhone, iPad but “What do I want? What are my needs?” The focus on “I” can take us down a very narrow slippery road, a road of self, of entitlement, of selfishness, which will ultimately produce unhappy, unhealthy young adults. You, obviously, do not fit into that category. You feel remorseful that you are not helping more in the house. Selflessness is always a virtue. And you, because you are the oldest, can set the tone. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twersky, zt”l, once said, ”You don’t give to the ones you love; you love those to whom you give.” By giving of your time and energy, you create love for people around you – which, by the way, will be one of your greatest forms of happiness.

I am not saying that you should not attend to your own personal, social and individual needs. But what are your needs? What are you actually lacking?

Every decision is a trade-off. We strive to focus our energies on the important tasks and duties in life and put less important ones on the “back burner.” For example, academic success and achievement, while important, pales in comparison to the responsibility and opportunity of caring and helping one’s family. It does not mean that you negate the other completely. It also does not mean that you take over the role of the mother. I am sure that that is not what is needed. I believe you have to balance your time and your energy, and because you have shown sensitivity and love towards your family, I am confident you will make the right decisions.

“Praiseworthy is a person who has found wisdom, a person who can derive understanding from it.” -Shlomo Hamelech’s advice in Mishlei.

Mrs. Osnat (Arlene) Klestzick, a resident of Far Rockaway, has been the English principal of Bnos Leah Prospect Park Yeshiva Elementary School in Brooklyn for the past forty years. She is now semi-retired and remains principal emeritus.