Parenting Pearls

The Jewish Home | SEPTEMBER 15, 2022 Parenting Pearls

Keeping Connected as the World Spins

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Labor Day has come and gone. Summer break is over, and all of our community’s students should be back in school, daycare or wherever they plan on spending the next ten months. Most families will find their schedules have gotten a little busier, and we’re all a bit more distracted.

As our days get more hectic, we can easily get overwhelmed and neglect to connect to our children each day. Even when we do speak to our progeny, it may be not much more than “are you ready for school?” and “do you have any more homework?”.

I know time is in short supply, but we can make those moments count and keep our children connected to us all year long.

Quantity vs. Quality

Obviously, we need to make time for our children; you can’t have something from nothing. The amount of time we spend together is the quantity of time. What we make of that moment is the quality of our time. We need both, but understanding the role of each can be helpful in making the time to connect with our child.

It’s important to make sure we do have a significant quantity of time with our children. A nice hug in passing is wonderful, but we can’t connect to someone we never see. Children need to have their parents be a meaningful presence in their life.

It would be simple for me to say you should dedicate hours of one-on-one time with your child weekly. That would be wonderful, yet impractical, for most families. Between work, carpooling and homework, I’m guessing that most families have limited time together. With such hectic schedules, it’s reassuring to know that we can still maintain a close connection with our children despite the limited quantity of time. Especially when time is limited in quantity, we need to make it even richer with quality.

Meet and Greet

Any time of day is an opportunity to connect but some moments are extra meaningful. We can make an increased effort to acknowledge our children as they enter or exit our home. It’s these times – when our children are first arriving or beginning to leave – that we want to make sure we have greeted them in a meaningful way.

Parents are very busy, and too often we can’t easily stop what we’re doing to recognize our child’s presence. When that door is being opened, we have the perfect opportunity to say “welcome home” or “have a wonderful time.” A gentle hug or high-five is a bonus.

Creating Quality

We want to make our time count. Choosing to connect when our children are relaxed is usually more productive than doing so when they’re stressed. For example, a story at bedtime, as your child is feeling warm under their covers, is a wonderful time to bond. A child who is overwhelmed, angry or distracted will be less receptive to their parents’ gestures of love.

Children are unique, and we want to connect to them in a way that will be effective. One child may love being hugged, while another will reject anything “too mushy.” Some kids enjoy playing board games with an adult, while others get too competitive to enjoy the time together. It’s counterproductive to interact in a way that our child hates. We want to choose what works for each child to best meet their individual needs.

We need to be mindful of our own needs. Adults, too, are unique, and we have our sensitivities and preferences. Your child may love playing card games for hours, wet kisses or wrestling but you may enjoy none of the above. Don’t force yourself to do something that will make you miserable and detract from your time together.

Some kids may need more time before they begin to connect. Go at your child’s pace. Don’t push past their comfort zone or be turned off if your first attempts fail to hit their mark.

Conversation: The obvious way to connect with someone is to talk to them. Conversations can be serious, but they can also be silly or fun. We can discuss their day at school, favorite joke or ideal chol hamoed trip; all are valid ways to verbally connect with our youngsters.

Open-ended questions will usually get a more helpful response than a “yes or no” question. The famous “how was school?” may not get more than a grunt, but “what was your favorite part of the day?” may start a conversation.

Conversions don’t need to be long to connect. “Hey, I missed you” when said with a smile can let your child know you were thinking of them. Just passing each other in the hallway or meeting in the kitchen is a potential opportunity that can be utilized to show we care.

Activities: Shared activities are an easy way to connect for many people. Not everyone is comfortable staring at someone and talking. Sharing an activity together is a natural and fun way to connect to your child. It can be anything, including a board game, sports, coloring or cooking. If you both enjoy doing it, then you’ve found a winner.

Even children who avoid long talks will often open up over a shared activity. Pediatric therapists will often play games, color, or do other tasks during sessions to help their young clients converse more freely.

Physical connection: Children – particularly the youngest ones – connect through physical contact. Babies are held often, and toddlers need lots of hugs when being reassured. Kids need to be held, hugged, and kept close. As they grow older, the need changes but doesn’t go away.

Not all kids are comfortable with the traditional methods of physical contact. We see this especially with teenagers, but it can happen at any age. There are ways to connect with even the more touch-adverse youth. An arm over their shoulder can be less overwhelming than a full hug. Highfives and fist bumps may feel awkward to an adult but can meet the needs of a variety of kids.

Grandparents will often tell you that kids grow up faster than you think. Children have so many needs that it can be easy to lose track of their need for connection. Let’s use the time we have when they’re young to make each moment we can into a special one.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.