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Dating Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW
The Jewish Home | SEPTEMBER 22, 2022 Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters, I feel like I’m tainted by my family. My father is socially awkward, and my siblings are what most people would call “weird.” I had to beg my parents to send me to the mainstream school because that’s where most of my neighborhood sends. Since I was little, I have always wanted to fit in, but as much as I try to, it backfires (if I get too close to a friend and she’d come over, she’d see my family, realize I don’t have a life like everyone else’s normal lives). I went to sem in Israel for a year, and it was the most amazing experience. I could just make friends and be myself without having to worry about people knowing my family. I’m going back to Israel for shana bet, but as I try to think about shidduchim, I shut down. Thinking about all the potential rejection because of my family is enough to make me want to stay single forever. Is there anything I can do that could help me? Thanks in advance. - Rivka
The Jewish Home | SEPTEMBER 22, 2022 The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Rivka, I feel bad that you feel that your family is “weird” and that this is harming you in shidduchim. Your family may be dysfunctional, out of the box, living a life different than your community’s norms, and some members may have serious issues. They may simply wear the wrong clothes. I don’t know. You are using very loose terminology.
I suggest that you go to someone experienced in your school and/or shul community who knows your family. This could be a teacher, principal, rav, or school guidance counselor. Ask them for a recommendation for a therapist to help you deal with shidduchim and more. It will be helpful to you to understand your family better and to understand your own reaction to them. Then, together with the support of the therapist, you will be able to choose some strategies for dealing with your own shidduchim. Invest in yourself first so that you are in a strong position to deal with shidduchim.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Your question reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: “Everybody is someone else’s weirdo.” How true?! Your family might be weirder than some, but that does not make you unmarriageable! Chances are there is someone out there waiting for an amazing, worked-through young woman like yourself.
How many times do you hear stories of couples with incredibly colorful backgrounds describing their path to finding their bashert? If you haven’t heard these
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stories, go out and ask couples you meet what their backstory is. You will be very surprised! Rivka, Hashem takes care of singles with all types of families and backgrounds, not just run-of-the-mill stereotypicals.
My advice to you is soak up shana bet! Dating should not be on your radar before you’re emotionally ready for it. In addition to growing in your Yiddishkeit, work through your relationship with your family and your relationship with yourself. Nurture your self-worth and build your self-confidence. You will come to realize that your family is a mere puzzle piece within the masterful grand plan your life has yet to become.
When you are truly ready, you will feel confident to start dating without your family feeling like shackles holding you down.
The Single
Tzipora Grodko
Feeling limited from opportunities because of circumstances out of your control can feel very painful.
There are so many topics I want to address here. Firstly, it sounds like you feel trapped by your family reputation. The best way to learn happiness and self-confidence is through acceptance of what life has given you. I know it’s not easy, but it is truly life changing. To learn how to develop a positive relationship with the things that make you “different” or are “challenging” and find a way for them to fit comfortably in your life.
Secondly, a true friend should not be ditching you if your family is simply awkward or comes with an unconventional flavor. A true friend will only respect you more and appreciate who you are despite your differences. The same works for a life partner as well (which brings me to my third topic).
Relying on society or nature to “meet your bashert” is discrediting G-d’s influence in your life. The same G-d Who gave you your family is the same G-d Who will get you married. It’s not “harder” for Him because of your package. HE gave YOU that package. Nobody else can interfere with His plan.
Lastly, it sounds like there is probably a lot more going on than you feel comfortable sharing. I always recommend a good cup of therapy as it can help facilitate all these goals that are important towards life enhancement and discovery.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
News flash to Rivka: Every family has some eccentricities, or some weird family members, or some embarrassing skeletons in their closets.
Yes, of course, some families can seem more bizarre than others. But, what worries me is that you, personally, might be so insecure about your family that it affects how you present yourself to others. Please don’t be insulted, but it’s very possible that your difficulty making friends has more to do with your own insecurities than with your family’s weirdness. (I feel certain that at least one of my fellow columnists will recommend that you see a therapist. If you choose to do so, subsequently, when a young man wants to date you and asks, “So, are you seeing someone?” you’ll be able to answer, “Yes, a therapist.”)
Instead of viewing your father’s social awkwardness with embarrassment, how about viewing it with affection and amusement? Instead of thinking of yourself as tainted by your unusual family background, how about viewing yourself as exceptional and remarkable for becoming such an incredible young lady, in spite of your family background?
Further, consider the following: You seem to have made some wonderful friendships while living abroad, in Israel. When these new friends eventually meet
The Jewish Home | SEPTEMBER 22, 2022 your family, they won’t stop being your friend. Instead, these new friends are likely to think, “Wow, it’s incredible how my amazing, good friend, Rivka, turned out so great, in spite of her unusual family.”
Heed the advice of George Burns, who suggested, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
So, when you return after your second seminary year, perhaps you should consider not living at home. Instead, think about renting an apartment with a couple of your girlfriends. Then, when you start dating, young men will have met you, dated you a few times, and gotten to know and admire you before actually meeting your family.
And, once they
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Rivka,
Thank you for writing! I really like your question at the end of your email. Is there anything I can do that could help me? While you are away and individuating from your family, creating your own identity and looking at the very adult next chapters of your life, shidduchim and marriage, I suggest being in therapy for the entire year, as a gift to yourself. In therapy, you will process your experience of your family, your role in your family, how you differ from your family, what it has been like for you to be a member of your family; you will process all the rejection you’ve experienced as a result of your family, and you will learn to love yourself so much that your focus naturally shifts from Oh no! How am I going to get married with my weird family in tow? to: I deserve a man who is going to love me and my weird family! And I will not settle for anything less! (And journal... journaling is one of the greatest ways of working through our thoughts and feelings.)
I believe you may have some trauma around all the rejection you’ve experienced in your life, and understandably so. And so, when you think about dating, you are shutting down because you go into somewhat of a “freeze” state. For what it’s worth, let me reassure you that people from “weird” families get married all the time. Your work is to work through this “shut down” and to love yourself... hard! And also, to accept your family.
I can feel the shame you’re carrying around. When I feel shame, I often recommend the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Brene Brown is a shame researcher. You may find the book helpful. I’d also like to recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. Glennon is a person. An amazing person who has lived and experienced and feels deeply, and she shares her story to help others feel better about theirs. I just reread her book for the umpteenth time last Shabbos, and she always helps me get myself in emotional order.
We live in a society of trying to “fit in.” In many Orthodox circles (I think it’s worse in NY than anywhere else, but feel free to let me know of other places where it’s this bad), people spend their lives trying to fit into the box and removing themselves from anyone who does not fit into the box. For what it’s worth, so many of us can’t stand the box. So much nonsense get to know and appreciate you, it won’t really matter when they eventually meet your family.
Please take to heart William Shakespeare’s sonnet (#116), “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.” Professor David Ginsberg explains what that means: When two friends feel a strong kinship or attraction to each other (“Marriage of true minds”), they won’t allow minor impediments or drawbacks (like unusual family backgrounds) hinder that closeness.
is going on inside of these boxes that at this point in my life, you couldn’t pay me to get anywhere near that box! That box is stifling. And believe me, there is a lot of suffering going on inside of these boxes!
When you stop trying to fit into that box (and that box is different for all of us), and you work toward acceptance of yourself and surrender to the realities of the life and the path Hashem has put you on, you breathe. You inhale. Deeply. And you lift your head up and look around. And you see others who for their own reasons have either given up trying to get in, or who had no interest in it at all, from the beginning. And let me tell you… those are some of the wisest, kindest, most accepting, most beautiful souls on Hashem’s earth. They have no agenda other than to love you and accept you. (There are so many agendas inside some of these boxes, I hear they’ve hired secretaries to take notes and keep a log!) And P.S., some of them are very much accepted in the box’s tightknit circle, and have access, and come and go as they please, but they know the truth: one’s value is not determined by the people in the box and G-d certainly does not live in that box. G-d is everywhere. The people in that box don’t have the exclusive rights to G-d. Because Hashem is outside the box, too!
I am wondering how many people reading this right now at their Shabbos tables or on their couches are thinking, I feel the same way as Rivka. Rivka, I believe so many people relate to you in their own ways. So many people have the same or very similar fears as they look toward dating.
They are wondering, Will anyone love me? Am I even worthy? Am I loveable? Do not hide. Love yourself so hard solely for yourself. And also, to attract someone who will love all the parts of you. And be there for you, to help you when your family is getting you down; when life is getting you down. Love yourself so much and know your inherent worth so you attract someone who will feel the same way about you.
Have a wonderful shana bet! I think that may be the best thing you could have done for yourself; giving yourself the opportunity to work on yourself in your own space. Enjoy every second, and please feel free to write back and update us as you move along on your journey! Sincerely, Jennifer
P.S. Wishing the readership a shana tovah u’metukah! Every now and again, when I introduce myself in varying social settings, I will get a “You’re Jennifer Mann? The one who writes the column? We love reading your column on Shabbos!” I can’t tell you how much this means to me to be let into your homes every Shabbos. I love that I have this platform to bring attention and awareness to different dating and relationship issues and to spread my message which is twofold and always the same: Trust your intuition! And, you are worthy!
