Parenting Pearls by Sara Rayvych

The Jewish Home | SEPTEMBER 22, 2022

Parenting Pearls Shul Beginnings

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Many years ago, I overheard a conversation involving a gentile who had just heard that Yomim Noraim seats are usually prepaid. Her shock was obvious until the details were more thoroughly explained. What most surprised her was finding out just how many hours we are spending in those prepaid seats. She assumed we had a brief prayer session or two, not that we spent hours davening together with emotion and tears.

When you do the math, it quickly becomes apparent that we spend many hours davening, especially during these upcoming Days of Awe. Many easily find meaning in these hours of silent devotion, while others find it more challenging.

It is every parent’s dream to sit in shul alongside their child dressed in their Shabbos or yom tov best. While it’s a source of nachas every parent awaits, for others, the reality hits hard. Those parents may find their child’s Shabbos outfit no longer looks so fine after the chocolate cake was discovered. Perhaps their child thinks shul ends after the candy-man has given the requested treat. Knowing when and how to bring children to shul is an important chinuch decision.

I am not a rav nor have I ever been confused for one. I am certainly not here to pasken any of these important concepts and urge you to address those to your family’s personal rav. In this article, I would just like to bring up some of my personal thoughts and experiences regarding children and davening in shul.

Rosh Hashana seemed like the perfect time to begin this discussion due to the central role our makom tefilla will play over these upcoming yomim tovim. B’ezras Hashem, members of our kehillos will be spending hours in their assigned shul seats. Even those unable to attend throughout the year make an extra effort at this time. Those unable to be present for tefillos will still come for shofar blowing, often with very little ones tagging along.

Is Your Child Ready?

This is the big question, and it’s important that we ask it. It’s easy to assume that a child is ready just because a child is a certain age, the parent is ready, or the kids need a Shabbos morning outing. There is no preset age that indicates shul readiness nor do the needs of the parent mean the child is prepared. It goes without saying that a makom tefilla is not a babysitting service. A child who is currently jumping off the bookshelf at home may do similarly in a shul.

The truth is that, like most milestones, each child will reach this one at their own time. It’s really not that different from walking, talking, or riding a bike in that age is merely a suggestion. More important than their birthday is attention span and emotional readiness.

Davening involves a lot of time spent in one place quietly (or saying nothing more than the tefilla). Can the child sit still? Sitting in a chair for long periods of time is harder than we assume. Kids are used to lots of movement and suppressing that can be impossible for some youngsters.

Can your child control themselves from talking, singing, whistling, stomping their feet, or any other method of noise production? It’s amazing how the smallest of bodies can produce the loudest of noises.

Try to think of what shul attendance involves and use your best judgment to see if your child meets those criteria. Often a child needs a little longer – sometimes just months – before they’re ready to join the adults.

Provide Accommodations

Schools provide accommodations all the time; parents can, too. Some children are not ready to attend shul like an adult but can be present for some, or all, of the tefilla. With some minor accommodations, these children can be slowly brought into the beautiful world of shul attendance. I’ll make a few suggestions, but there are many more options available.

Choose a shorter tefilla. As important as Shabbos Shacharis is, it can be too long for some children. If your child has limited sitting time, you may want to pick a shorter option. Mincha is generally the shortest, and kabbalas Shabbos involves lots of singing. Some children are thrilled by the singing and dancing of Shabbos davening, but others may find the noise overwhelming. Use your child’s personality as a guide.

Gauge your child’s limits and consider allowing them to attend only part of the tefilla or take a break in the middle. A brief walk in the hallway can do wonders to help an antsy child regroup. In school, many teachers will give bouncy students an errand or quick stroll to help them refocus.

Children will usually find it helpful to sit with an adult. At times, the same gendered parent is unable to attend. Grandparents, aunts/uncles or family friends are usually willing to have your sweet little one join them. It may feel uncomfortable to ask, but shul can be very lonely for a child sitting by themselves.

Some shuls are more child-friendly than others. I am not paskening as to whether or not you should switch your makom tefilla, just acknowledging that some children may benefit from a more child-friendly environment.

Ensure your child isn’t hungry, thirsty, or tired. If they are any of the above, then it’s unfair to expect positive behavior. It may be helpful for some children to have a (non-messy) snack with them. Please make sure any wrappers or trash are disposed of properly.

Feeling Prepared

Many adults find it distracting when children run around in shul or create a ruckus. Someone makpid on hearing 100 kolos will find it very upsetting to miss even one because of a child making noise. Additionally, it may not be good for the child’s chinuch to think a makom tefilla is “hefker.”

Children are a tremendous bracha, and nothing in the above paragraph is meant to detract from that, chas v’shalom. It’s important for us to first look at the issue from the eyes of the other mispallelim before we discuss this topic.

Children don’t inherently know how to behave in shul and need to be educated beforehand on what to expect and how to act. New shul-goers should be given advanced preparation before the big day arrives – even if they only will drop in for shofar blowing.

Younger children enjoy acting out and rehearsing what they will do. You can practice walking into a room quietly and sitting or standing while listening – whatever you anticipate they will need. You can even make pretend shofar noises. Physical cues such as showing you have your finger over your lips can silently remind them to be quiet. Many youngsters benefit from placing their own finger over their lips as an extra reminder.

Shofar Tips

It’s customary for everyone to hear shofar, and even young children will make a timely appearance during davening. Keeping little ones quiet for the duration of shofar blowing is a yearly chal-

lenge. Often, one baby cries and a toddler decides to imitate the tekiyos. Here, too, a little preparation can go a long way. Try to not skip the pre-shofar nap – I know it’s hard. Bring any pacifiers, snacks, or drinks your children may need. As mentioned before, avoid messy snacks and dispose of trash.

Little ones are usually calmer when closer to a parent. Holding your child or wearing them in a carrier can help. Slightly older children may want to hold an adult’s hand or remain nearby. The crowds can be scary for some youngsters, and some children may become fearful.

Most shuls have a second series of tekiyos and that can be helpful for parents. One year I had a child that was sick (and contagious!), and a thoughtful neighbor was brave enough to blow shofar in my home. There are many options for families with children that will permit everyone to be inspired by the tekiyos.

Joining the kehilla, our voices united in tefilla, is a special experience we all want to share with the next generation. Maintaining a positive atmosphere will make our children want to come back again and again. May Hashem answer all our tefillos l’tova.

I want to wish all of klal Yisroel a wonderful year of simcha, bracha and nachas from our children – kesiva v’chasima tova!

It goes without saying that a makom tefilla is not a babysitting service.

Even children old enough to have their own seat for davening will benefit from a little prior preparation. Ideally, your child will have already become comfortable with sitting during Shabbos davening before attempting yom tov tefillos. Still, the tefillos are longer, and there are other differences such as shofar, birkas kohanim and prostrating on the floor. You also may want to introduce your child to the prayers that are unique to the yom

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.