Centerfold

The Jewish Home | NOVEMBER 3, 2022 TJH Centerfold

Congressional Sound Bites

You Gotta Be Kidding Me!

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’“- Theodore Roosevelt

“Talk is cheap – except when Congress does it.“ - Cullen Hightower

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” - Jay Leno

“The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then gets elected and proves it.” - P.J. O’Rourke  “Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing – nobody listens—and then everybody disagrees.“ - Boris Marshalov

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” - Groucho Marx

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.“ - Will Rogers

“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress.” - John Adams

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon, he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Gosh, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians always lie!”

Congressional Elections Trivia

1. The closest election in Senate history was decided on September 16, 1975 when Democrat John

Durkin was declared the winner of the New Hampshire race, defeating Republican Louis

Wyman by a slight margin of how many votes? a. 2 b. 78 c. 195 d. 734

2. Two U.S. Presidents have returned to Congress after leaving the presidency. One was Andrew

Johnson. Who was the other one? a. The Donald b. Abraham Lincoln c. John Quincy Adams d. James A. Garfield

3. How did South Carolina

Congressman Preston Brooks react after Senator Charles Sumner (R-MA, not to be confused with

Sen. Charles Schumer) declared on the Senate floor in 1856 that

Democratic Senator Douglas of

Illinois was a “noise-some, squat, and nameless animal . . . not a proper model for an American senator”? a. He put forth a bill proposing rules of etiquette for all those delivering speeches from the podium b. He proposed a bill to impeach

Sen. Sumner c. He challenged Sen. Sumner to a dual d. He snuck up behind him and hit him with a metal cane until he was unconscious 4. The word “senator” is derived from the Latin word “senex,” which means what? a. Leader b. Listener c. Lover of mankind d. Old man

5. The mid-term elections feature races (in some locales) for which of the following offices? a. Drain commissioner b. Tree warden c. Fence viewers d. Prothonotary

6. In order to be eligible to serve in the House of Representatives, what of the following three qualifications must one meet? a. You must be at least twenty-five years old b. Have been a citizen of the

United States for the past seven years c. Be an inhabitant of the state they represent d. Be able to show up to work for a maximum 1/3 of the year, love to hear yourself talk, think you are the best thing since sliced bread, be self-depreciating enough for people to think you are so normal but not too much that people lose respect for you, speak out of both sides of your mouth, promise that you are going to change Washington, get embroiled in good financial scandals, make laws that drive people crazy, etc. (Do I sound cynical? OK, let me clean that up. Note: Obviously, this does not apply to everyone…just most of them.) 7. In 1994, the Republicans took control of the House of Representatives for the first time in 40 years. Who led the so-called “Republican Revolution” and became Speaker of the House as a result of that victory? a. Tip O’Neal b. Newt Gingrich c. Tom Foley d. Dennis Hastart

Answers: 1. A 2. C- The other presidents listed were all killed in office. John Quincy Adams returned to the House of Representatives for eight terms and Andrew Johnson returned to the Senate for one year before he died. 3. D- I guess Washington bickering isn’t a new phenomenon 4. D- Yep, how predictable 5. All 4- The description of each position is pretty much exactly what the title of the position is, except that “prothonotary” is simply—actually, not simply— Pennsylvania’s way of referring to the chief clerk of the courts. 6. A through C (but D usually fits the bill as well). 7. B

Wisdom Key: 6-7 correct: You are a complete prothonotary! 3-5 correct: You know enough to do OK at a cocktail party (because why not talk about something that is guaranteed to offend somebody?) 0-2 correct: You are still smart enough to be in Congress! (The bar is quite low.)