School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, I went to my 3rd grader’s PTA meetings expecting a glowing report. The teacher did not look pleased to see me and basically showered me with a list of behaviors that proved my child was not working at grade level and was not always cooperating. I feel betrayed. First, if this is true, wouldn’t I have noticed any of this at home? Second, why did I get ambushed? Shouldn’t I have been given this information earlier? And finally, what should I do now? -Bewildered and Frustrated

A: Dear Bewildered and Frustrated, I feel your pain. I agree that being blindsided is not OK. In a perfect world, the teacher would have been in touch with you about this before PTA. But let’s not focus on the delivery. Let’s focus on the information.

When a parent hears news about their child, no matter what the age, the first thing a parent needs to do is not overreact. Dr. Andrea Canter, a nationally certified long-time school psychologist for the Minneapolis school district, says, “It is natural for parents to become upset when first hearing about ‘problems’ in the classroom, but usually the first signs of trouble are just that – early warning signs that something needs attention. It does not usually mean that the child has a disability or will fail the grade or will never catch on.”

The second thing a parent should NOT do is blame the teacher or get defensive or decide the teacher is wrong or unqualified, which is something parents can jump to when getting upset. Instead, become a detective with the goal of helping your child. The National Association of School Psychologists suggests that you ask a list of questions (and I suggest you ask them in a neutral tone, in a caring way, as the teacher is nervous and uncomfortable telling you this information): • When did the problem begin? • How long has it been going on? • How different is my child’s behavior/actions from the other children in the class? (Obviously the teacher cannot share names, but you want a general idea of your child’s deficit.)

• Are there any other areas my child is struggling? • What are my child’s strengths?

Find out if the other teacher (as a child in a Jewish day school or yeshiva usually has at least two teachers) is seeing the same lagging skills.

Perhaps the jump between grades means you need to be more involved, and you did not realize. No worries. Start now. Is homework coming home? Is it getting back to school? Whatever the problem is, see if the teacher has ideas and find out if the school has resources available to you. This is not labeling your child, just helping your child so he/she does not need a label.

The teacher might not have the tools to understand why your child is having issues but can tell you how your child is doing as compared to the rest of the class, which is helpful information. Teachers can make mistakes, but take the information being given to you seriously. See the teacher as a collaborator and an advocate and sincerely thank the teacher.

But what if conferences already happened, and you reacted badly?

Send a note apologizing and explaining you were caught off-guard and that you know the teacher only has the best interest of your child at heart. Then ask to set up a phone call follow-up or in-person meeting. At that meeting, go to the step above and begin fact-finding, in

a neutral tone, of course. Become a detective • Ask what is being done about the issue. with the goal of • Ask what strategies you can follow to help. helping your child. • Prepare, with the teacher, a tentative action plan that can be followed at school and at home to address and help the situation, that you can both actually do. • Schedule a follow-up conference to see if the teacher sees changes and mark any improvements. Please note: There are certain grades that require new skills or introduce new concepts, such as first, third, fifth, and seventh. In those grades particularly, lagging skills are more easily noticed. It is a help when a teacher is able to bring these deficits to your attention. When and if teachers are scared to tell parents the truth, the person hurt the most of your child. So many lagging skills can be caught early and taught! Make sure your child’s teacher knows how much he/ she is appreciated. Send gifts and notes because what they do is valuable to your child’s day-to-day life, and you should appreciate him/her. Keep in mind that your child must face the teacher every day of this school year and don’t make it awkward for either of them with disapproval. Have a great year growing with your child, -Etti