Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Terrific Teens

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

After a few weeks of more intense topics, I thought it would be nice to have a more relaxed article. I’m still unsure why I chose “teens” as a calmer topic. Teenagers are not known for giving parents a serene feeling.

Being completely honest, for years, I dreaded my children hitting their teenage years. As my oldest approached that frightening age, I reached out to those with older children, desperate for help. I received many different pieces of advice but the one that made me smile the most was hearing that it’s similar to the toddler years – “both stages are cute but in different ways.” I’m often reminded of that comment when my teens aren’t acting so sweet and I need some humor – it usually works to calm me down.

While comparing teens to toddlers may seem odd or offensive at first, there really are some similarities. Both are time periods of major changes and rapid development. Additionally, both have negative reputations. Many have heard of “the terrible twos” but there are many others that reframe this age as the “terrific twos.” Despite the difficulty our teens may give us at times, perhaps we, too, can refocus and start to sometimes think in terms of our terrific teens. This isn’t just mind games we desperately engage in but an opportunity to appreciate the maturing individuals our babies are becoming.

I am not ignoring the very challenging nature of this time period. It can be confusing and upsetting for parents and children alike. As you read this article, please don’t think I own exclusively rose-colored glasses and am unable to see the reality. In a world that often focuses exclusively on our “terrible” teens, I felt it worthwhile to have at least one article devoted just to our “terrific teens.”

The Teenage Challenge

Like infancy and toddlerhood, the teenage years are a period of major growth and development that accompany life changes. While our toddlers never ask themselves, “Am I a baby or a child?” teens are often in the position of not knowing whether they’re children or adults at any given moment. Transitions are difficult and a marker of this age.

As expected, boys and girls are very different as they maneuver this time period. While newborns of both genders tend to eat, sleep, and wet themselves similarly, male-female differences become more pronounced as they mature. Boys, from what I was told (and have experienced), were generally more aloof, while girls tended to be “in your face” during these teenage years.

The natural hormonal changes and upheaval make these maturing youngsters more emotional and prone to extreme responses, such as anger, crying or chutzpah. Increased responsibilities, along with a more challenging school schedule, create a higher-pressured environment than their childhood years.

It can help us be more compassionate to our volatile children when we realize that they’re confused navigating through their current life stage and it’s nothing personal against us (even if they say otherwise). Their talents continue to emerge, as do their problem-solving skills and ability to contribute to their family and community.

Little ones are very entertaining, and they say the funniest things. Alternatively, teens are beginning to understand the world on a deeper level and can be good conversationalists. They can hold their own in real discussions, making us think deeper as we help them better understand the adult world they’re only now becoming a part of. They still have strong black-and-white thinking tendencies but are starting to navigate into that murky – but sometimes fun – gray area. Many parents find they start to enjoy these more mature conversations with their teens.

It’s really enjoyable seeing their humor develop, and they can really make their parents laugh. They can be clever, witty, or sarcastic, but they can tell jokes and give one-liners like professionals. Little kids may be funny to watch, but teens can be humorous and entertaining shmoozers.

Now is an excellent time to have discussions on hashkafa and your family’s

values. While these discussions start from a young age, it’s really during these young adulthood years that our children are primed for these discussions and begin to understand these deeper topics.

Parents may find they enjoy doing shared activities with their teens who are now functioning closer to adults. They can provide real competition and challenge during games or sports and contribute equally to other activities. When learning together, a teen becomes more of a chavrusa than student. Rather than depend on the adults to entertain them, they can give back and even lead at times.

Little ones need constant care and oversight. Teens are long past those days of being fed and changed. They are capable of taking care of themselves and of greater responsibilities. Parents can appreciate focusing more on connecting through conversation and not be overwhelmed by late-night nursing sessions. As they get older, they not only take care of their own basic needs, they become responsible for their schoolwork (no easy task), extracurricular activities and day-to-day functioning. This all starts to prepare them for adulthood.

More than just independence, they can contribute to those around them, including in the house and greater community. Our teens are often capable of professional level baking in the kitchen, construction around the house and sukkah, leining in shul, and driving for errands. This isn’t just taking advantage of them; teens thrive on experiencing greater independence and accomplish-

ing things. Experiencing this increased freedom in a safe manner is part of their developmental needs.

Making the Investment

All teens will have their good and bad moments – like adults and everyone else. There is nothing we can do to make them into angels every waking minute. But there are things we can do to decrease teen tantrums while increasing positive teen times.

Ideally, we’ve been connecting to them from when they were young, and we’re just continuing that positive trend. Teens may pull away from us, but that doesn’t mean they need us less. Be a continuous presence in their lives while

keeping communication open. Make time for them, keeping it light and enjoyable. Doing activities, taking classes, or learning together are all ways to bond and show we enjoy their company. Asking “yes or no” styled questions will yield similarly limited responses, while open-ended questions will produce more meaningful answers.

We want them to feel comfortable coming to us whenever they need. Now is the time to be available and prepare ourselves for those really tough conversations. Substance abuse and unhealthy relationships are among many of the important talks we need to have. We may need to initially broach the hard topics. It’s important to remember that whatever exists in the outside world unfortunately creeps into ours. Knowing we’re here for them is one of the most important gifts we can give them.

Daven for your (and all of our) teens. Ultimately, it’s all in Hashem’s hands, and this is an important part of our hishtadlus.

The teenage years are a time of tremendous growth that comes with its own challenges. Enjoying our children as they turn into adults can be a source of nachas and simcha, while appreciating our teens makes that road just a bit gentler.

Teens are beginning to understand the world on a deeper level and can be good conversationalists

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.