Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I am feeling so stressed out about a good friend of mine from

school who has severe anxiety and depression. I know she is in

therapy and is taking medication, but she tells me so much about

what she is going through and it sounds extremely hard. I feel so

bad for her and think and worry about her a lot. I really want to

be there for her and I want to help her but I am not sure what

to do and how to handle the whole experience.

Other friends of ours know about it and seem to be dealing with it pretty well, but I feel like I am having

a harder time. Her depression and anxiety sometimes scare me and make me uncomfortable. There have

been a bunch of times when she spoke to me about what she is experiencing, and it ended up making me feel very

down and nervous for a long time after. Also, I am starting to randomly find myself feeling anxious and I wonder if it

is because of this. I don’t know how to be a good friend to her while still taking care of me.

-Rena*

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Dear Rena*,

I am so glad you reached out. This sounds like a very hard situation, and it makes sense that you are stressed. You’re stuck in a very tricky place. It is clear from your words that you understand that both of your needs matter, hers and yours, and your desire to approach this with care and sensitivity is obvious.

Before we even begin, one important thing to remember is that your friend’s mental health is not your responsibility. You are not your friend’s caregiver or her therapist, and although you may want to help, you are not responsible for her well-being, nor are you in control of her situation. Your desire to help your friend is noble and understandable, and there might be some things you can do to support her, but it is very important to know your limited role; this is not your job.

It can be very hard to see someone close to you struggle. Further, it can feel difficult to know how to balance helping a friend while still taking care of yourself. I will share some ideas that I do believe would be helpful, yet based on what you shared, it sounds like reaching out to a trusted adult would be appropriate. Having someone to talk to can provide you with ongoing support and guidance in terms of the best ways to manage this situation in a healthy way. This can be a school guidance counselor or other mental health professional in your school, who may have the added benefit of knowing your friend and her situation. It can also be your parent. (Although it is not the topic of your question, I feel it necessary to mention that if you believe that your friend may be doing anything to harm herself, or is considering to do so, it is no longer just helpful but essential that you share this information with a trusted adult who can assist with getting her the help she needs.)

And now for some thoughts and practical ideas…

One thing you seem to want to balance is being there for your friend without having to endure conversations that feel too big and heavy. Listening to your friend when she shares her struggles, especially in a validating way that shows that you are not judging her and that you understand she is going through something difficult, can be extremely supportive. That being said, having repeated lengthy discussions about her depression or rehashing her unpleasant experiences over and over can keep her stuck in her negative mindset and end up making both of you feel worse. Similarly, your friend sharing her experience of anxiety can help her feel heard and understood, and it can help you

understand her experience better, yet if the conversations feel excessive or uncomfortable to you, it is quite possible that the interaction may be feeding her anxiety, not helping it. For these reasons, you do not need to feel guilty about limiting conversations that focus on her mental health. Limits won’t only help you feel some relief, but it would most likely be helpful to her as well and make it easier for you to be available to her more in the long run.

In terms of how to go about setting this kind of boundary, sometimes it is as simple as switching to a different topic or telling her it is not a good time for you to talk. Oftentimes, however, without a real conversation between the two of you, these tactics can possibly come off as dismissive. It can be more effective to talk about the situation openly in a sincere and sensitive manner. This requires forethought and planning. My biggest suggestion is to find a time when you are both in a good mood so your words can be accepted, and she is likely feeling less vulnerable. (It is almost never productive to try to have an important conversation when either person is in the throes of big emotions, but we will leave that discussion for another time.) In terms of what to say, you might want to enlist the help of an adult to help you find the right words, but the most important aspects are: -To first express how much you value her friendship; -To share your care and concern for her, and that you want to be there for her and want her to be able to talk to you about things; -To share that it is sometimes hard for you to talk with her about her depression and/or anxiety, partially because of how deeply you feel her pain (This is the hardest step. Make sure to phrase it in a way that indicates it is a hardship you are having, not a hardship that she is causing); -To try to come up with some kind of agreement that works for both of you. (Perhaps you can agree to only talk about these topics for 5-10 minutes before shifting to another topic, or a Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

similar plan that works for both of you); -To ask what else you can do to help (within healthy and appropriate limits.) You’d be surprised at what simple yet helpful ideas she might have.

Jumping off of that last point, we often don’t realize that talking about things is not the only way to support a friend who is struggling. For feeling. Whether your anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings are only in reaction to the situation or not, there are proven skills and strategies that can be incredibly helpful.

One of the last things you mentioned was the desire to take care of yourself. This is not only important for your personal emotional

It can feel difficult to know how to balance

helping a friend while still taking care of yourself.

example, offering and encouraging your friend to join you in engaging in fun activities (although they may say no) or even just finding tiny ways to laugh together can be incredibly helpful to someone who is struggling with mental health challenges.

Another point you mentioned is that it seems that you are having a harder time coping than your other friends. Know that there is no right emotional reaction to seeing a friend struggle. The fact that it impacts you so deeply isn’t a bad thing, but it is most definitely a hard thing. This further reinforces the notion that it may be helpful to get support from a trusted adult – in this case, to help you navigate some of the emotions you are experiencing. It is not uncommon for those in close relationships with people struggling with anxiety or depression to start feeling some similar symptoms themselves. As you suspected, this may (at least partially) explain some of the anxiety and discomfort you are well-being, but, as we know, it is hard to be there for others if we are not taking care of ourselves. Self-care looks different on each person, but some basic needs such as eating and sleeping are relevant for everyone. Taking care of your responsibilities, in addition to having fun and continuing to do things that you enjoy (without guilt), is super important. Also, making sure that you are spending time with other friends and excusing yourself to other spaces when you need a break are ways to care for yourself in this situation as well. One last thing I will mention is that if you find your struggle increasing, professional support becomes even more strongly recommended and an integral aspect of self-care.

I wish you so much hatzlacha while you navigate this situation and hope that you not only find success in coping and supporting (in the ways that truly work for you) but that you experience positive growth through this experience.

Warmly, Estee