School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, My oldest, an 8-year-old boy, says, “It’s too hard” about everything. We mostly hear it during homework time. The only thing is, I don’t think the work is too hard for him! I keep questioning myself, am I in denial? Maybe he has learning issues. But time and time again, I see that he is capable, smart, and can do the work with the right motivation dangling. The rebbe and teacher agree that it does not seem to be a question of ability.

What could be going on? -Befuddled Parents

A: Dear Befuddled Parents, I can understand why you are confused. Your son only can do a task when he is properly motivated, so it seems it is not a matter of needing help.

The obvious first question is when. When does he say he can’t? Is it when you call him over to do homework when there is a great game going on outside? Is it after a long day at school, and he hasn’t had a chance to eat something and have a break? Maybe watch out for a pattern.

The second question might hit a little close to home. What does he witness? Do you, perhaps, complain while completing tasks you are doing? I agree, “Ugh, more laundry” is how I often feel, too. But when our children hear us complain about tasks, they pick up that message. You don’t have to cheer when you are facing a boring, challenging, or annoying task but watch out for subtle signals you might be sending out to your family towards chores you set out to do.

Sometimes, children who give up easily or refuse to try are children who are uncomfortable or fearful of making a mistake. What messages are they receiving from those around them? Is there a subtle or not so subtle pressure for perfection? A teacher told me she got a message from a parent that “we only get the top marks in our family, so if my son is slipping in any way, please let me know immediately.” That could be incredibly motivating for a child – or a tremendous pressure.

“Growth mindset” is a powerful mindset. Dr. Carol Dwek put out a book that helped us all nod in unison; she called it (ready for the obvious?) Growth Mindset. Basically, having a growth mindset means believing that you can learn and grow and that your brain is capable of learning more. You might not be able to do something now, but that does not mean you cannot learn it later. Having a fixed mindset means that you believe that how you are is how you will always be, and you cannot learn new things. People with a growth mindset are willing to try. People with a fixed mindset feel trying is useless. A growth mindset can be learned.

To foster a growth mindset, send more obvious messages towards being a “can do” person, taking on tasks, and accepting responsibility. Read books about people with a “can do” attitude, who make mistakes, who put forth effort though it is hard… Model the “can do” attitude. Model that it is OK to make mistakes. Read books about not giving up and the power of yet, a growth mindset concept.

Two oldies but goodies, and some new books:

Little Toot by Hardie Gramatky

The Little Engine That Could by Watty piper

The Fantabulous Brain by Julia Cook Bubble Gum Brain by Julia Cook

The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes by Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein

The Fantastic Elastic Brain by Joann Deak

The Magical Yet by Angela DiTerlizzi Another concept you can use is positive framing and empathizing.

Positive framing is when we frame our messages in a positive way. Instead of saying, “Stop kvetching. Just sit down and get the work done,” we could say, “I know

you can do this. Let’s see how Having a growth quickly you can do it.” Empathizing is when we mindset means acknowledge the complaints. Instead of saying, “Stop saybelieving that ing you can’t and just do the next page,” we could say, “I you can learn and know you aren’t really in the mood, but it has to be done. I wish you didn’t have homegrow and that your work, but you do. Let’s get it done quickly so we can still brain is capable of have play time/reading time tonight.” learning more. Don’t forget the wellearned praise a child should get after completing the task! “Wow, you did not want to do your homework, but you did it anyway. Good for you! You do work even when you don’t want to. That is so mature!” These skills should carry over into life. The same methods work for picking up toys, clearing the table, and other tasks your child should be accomplishing at his age. Occasionally, unrelated to the homework or task that your child struggled with, send positive messages that build your son’s self-perception. Invite him on an errand because you need a mature guy like him to accompany you and you enjoy his company. Ask him to schmooze with you because you enjoy listening to his thoughts and hearing about his day. Watch him glow and grow! Thanks for the letter, Etti