Parenting Pearls

Sibling Friendships

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

There’s an interesting paradox. On one side, we often describe two individuals with a close connection as being “brothers.” We express solidarity and commonality by calling someone “our sister.” On the flip side, we have the common issue of sibling rivalry and the natural friction that can develop within this relationship. We want our children to be lifelong friends, someone they can always count on, yet we see them fight over issues that seem petty to us.

People naturally assume that siblings will be similar in nature and have much in common. This seems logical. After all, they come from a common gene pool and are being raised by similar individuals. Superficially, it makes sense they would have much similarity in both personality and temperament.

The truth is far more complex. Siblings are frequently very different from each other, often with little in common other than facial similarities. Their personalities span the introvert to extrovert range and their temperaments are as different as night and day. Often, the only thing they have in common is Hashem placing them in the same family. Perhaps we should not be surprised to see friction when such different personalities are housed together. You pick your spouse and your roommates, but you can’t pick your siblings.

It’s both unpleasant and overwhelming for parents to be faced with the frequent bickering that never seems to tire the children. Whether at home or on a special family outing, one good argument can ruin the atmosphere. Shalom in the home is important for everyone’s emotional health – theirs and ours.

We want our children to not only get past the arguments and petty disagreements but to become lifelong friends. Peer relationships may come and go, but family is meant to be forever. It’s a source of pure nachas for parents to see their children working together and supporting each other. It truly is a bracha to know that throughout life you have someone you can count on – no matter the situation.

It’s important to note there is an inherent friction and jealousy that can easily erupt between siblings. They share space, parents, and resources. While it may not be pleasant, bickering between siblings is expected – especially when the fighting parties are young and immature.

While the arguing isn’t surprising, we still want to do what we can to minimize – and ideally eliminate – this intrusion into our family’s shalom. As parents, there are steps we can take to, with Hashem’s help, enhance the atmosphere in our homes and between our children.

Blended families have unique needs that are beyond the scope of this article and will not be the focus of this week’s discussion.

Setting the Tone

As with most areas, parental attitudes go far, and if we create an environment conducive to togetherness then hopefully they will follow our cues. Alternatively, if we give the message that they’re in a race against each other, then our children will feel that, as well. Sadly, too often adults unintentionally (or intentionally) create unhealthy competition or feelings of inferiority between children.

One step we can take is to diminish or avoid jealousy. Statements that compare children are inherently problematic. “Your brother finished his homework right away. You haven’t even started.” “Your sister keeps her things organized – look at your mess.”

We also need to be careful not to comment to others within their hearing range. Please note that kids can hear from very far distances when you don’t want them to. For example, telling your spouse, “Why does she always need to be the difficult one?” or “all the teacher’s gave good reports at PTA except Shloimie’s Gemara rebbi.” If it reaches their ears, then it reaches their hearts.

We want to avoid showing favoritism to some children over others. Unfortunately, children can easily feel miffed or jealous from even the slightest provocations. At times, one child is needier – physically, emotionally or otherwise – than another and will require more of our attention; this is common and un-

avoidable. Still, we want to ensure that our other children aren’t feeling neglected or less important, as challenging as that may be. Making time for our children and an effort to connect with them can go a long way towards showing our love for them is no less.

It’s important to point out that to be fair we don’t need to be equal. To prevent negative feelings, some parents will ensure each child gets everything the same. While well intentioned, each child is unique and has their own needs. While we certainly shouldn’t lavish gifts exclusively on one child, we shouldn’t go to the nth degree to make sure everything is perfectly matched. Just like we wouldn’t get a tutor for each child just because one is having reading challenges, it’s not beneficial to ensure everything is equivalent. We want to provide each child with their individual needs, and giving all children the exact same thing will never accomplish that goal.

Create Shared Experiences

We can foster positive feelings and commonality by giving shared experiences, when possible. While we certainly don’t want to force our children to fit the same mold, providing opportunities to do things together allows our children to create more bonds, ones based on mutual interests and enjoyment.

Sports are very popular and a great way for kids to have fun together as long as they can do so without any negative competitiveness. While there are definitely children that will tantrum if they lose or gloat if they win, many er will do. When you find a game they enjoy playing without fighting, you have found a fabulous way for them to bond. Shared projects are another creative outlet children enjoy doing together. STEM or engineering projects will appeal to some, while arts and crafts may excite others. Building models of wood or Legos or a large carpentry project

Peer relationships may come and go, but family is meant to be forever.

others enjoy playing together regardless of whether they win or lose. Certain games, such as playing catch, shooting hoops and other activities, are more fun when played with a buddy.

Board games and other similar activities are another great way for kids to connect with each other. While cooperative games actively foster an environment conducive to connection, any game that siblings enjoy playing togethwill all keep kids engaged and encouraged to work together.

There are many classes and events available locally. Our community has everything from physical fitness to Shabbos learning programs. From personal experience I can say that having our children together, learning and having fun, really created a sense of camaraderie.

Any activity they find mutually enjoyable will work, and each sibling pair may need something different. For example, my little guys enjoy coloring together. My teenage boys would find such an activity embarrassing, but they may enjoy a chavrusa or sports game together. Some children may need a little gentle encouragement, but siblings really can be amazing playmates. The key is to keep our parental eyes open, being mindful of this need and suggesting something appropriate.

Of course, we shouldn’t forget to daven and ask for Divine assistance. Sometimes we may feel that only a miracle can bring siblings together, but Hashem specializes in nissim.

The bond between siblings can be very strong and one that lasts a lifetime. May Hashem grant us shalom between our children and nachas from seeing love and friendship develop between them.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.