Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Kiddush Decorum

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

There are many parts of Jewish life that bring excitement to kids. Lifecycle events include many simchas, and throughout the year we have beautiful yomim tovim. Now that Chanukah has passed, the kids are already planning their Purim costumes.

One of the unique celebrations of the frum community is the kiddush. A kiddush brings the family’s private simcha to the entire community, offering all of us the opportunity to celebrate together with them.

Many shuls maintain a weekly kiddush recognizing the camaraderie it offers the kehilla. This opportunity to socialize and connect after davening was something many missed under lockdown. It wasn’t just the food but also the chance to talk outside of davening, wish others mazal tov, and catch up. Many chaburas have been organized around a kiddush, and some kehillas have a special shiur reserved just for this unique time slot.

While I only rarely attend kiddushim these days, I have a unique perspective on this weekly ceremony. Besides the many kiddushim I’ve attended in the past, I grew up as the daughter of our shul’s kiddush committee chairperson. While more committee members were added and some left, my father was the mainstay of the kiddush committee for decades. My mother assisted and a space in the house was reserved for the various kiddush paraphernalia we had. The shul’s joke was that after the birth of a boy, you called your parents, the mohel, and my father.

Being the daughter of the kiddush committee’s head gave us certain privileges. While the shul’s children would clamor by the window, desperate for a spot to look in and see what was to come, I was one of the few permitted past those doors. If the kids (and even some adults) had been permitted admission, it would’ve led to chaos with kids running everywhere and sampling the fares. It wasn’t just protektzia, my siblings and I had been carefully trained to not take from the trays early, never run around the area, and we often even helped plate the cakes or put out forks. You’d be surprised how many adults thought they were the exception and would find their way to the tables during davening to begin snacking.

It also gave me a unique perspective into what goes into preparing a kiddush and how “the other side” views the food spread. Rather than just a place to grab food and gorge oneself, the kiddush is a family’s special occasion. Even in the case of a yahrtzeit, it’s the opportunity for that family to remember their loved one and share their memory with others.

Our children’s chinuch includes everything, even how to tie their shoes or cut their nails. Teaching our children how to behave appropriately at a kiddush or any other public event is no less a part of their chiunch.

While I don’t usually get the chance to attend a kiddush these days, our entire family is looking forward to celebrating at a special kiddush this Shabbos. A close family friend will be celebrating his bar mitzvah, and we can’t wait to join him. Having known Jack since (before) birth, we will be feeling like family as we share in their simcha. Mazal tov, Jack! May you continue to bring all of us much nachas.

It saddens me that I need to make this disclaimer. This article is in no way discussing “kiddush clubs” or anything similar that is not sanctioned by the rav or shul leadership.

The Baalei Simcha

Kids easily forget there is a reason for the kiddush other than a sugar fix. It’s appropriate to wish mazal tov to our host. Unless a child knows the baalei simcha very well, they’re going to feel uncomfortable wishing mazal tov on their own.

We have two easy options to teach our kids how to wish mazal tov and offer brochos to the baalei simcha. Which one you choose depends on the child’s age and comfort level. The first option is to bring the child with us as we wish “mazal tov.” This is low pressure and even young children will usually be comfortable holding a parent’s hand as the adult extends the appropriate greetings. Children absorb their surroundings and will learn from watching us.

The second option is to prepare the child in advance that they will say “mazal tov” after the accompanying adult says it. It need not be more than just those two words. Know your child and skip this step if it’ll be too much for your child.

It may not be advisable to include your child if the parent plans on saying more than the briefest of well wishes. Children usually don’t have the attention span for these things, and they will quickly get fidgety.

The caterer puts in a lot of effort to make the kiddush special and that includes making it attractive to the eyes. While the caterer is providing a spread for the kehilla, they are employed by the baalei simcha. The businesses that provided the platters, flowers and other specialty items all work to make their contribution a beautiful addition to the table. Additionally, the baalei simcha themselves put in much effort to ensure their guests will enjoy themselves.

84 Too often, as soon as shul is done – or even before – someone, particularly a child, runs in and starts taking food The Jewish Home | JANUARY 5, 2023 even before the baalei simcha have had a chance to see the completed table. It can be a source of frustration to those that contributed their talents when, the baalei simcha they worked so hard to please, don’t even get a chance to see the uneaten spread. By encouraging our children to wait for kiddush before helping themselves, we will not only show the chashivus for the brachos of kiddush but also the respect we give to others by not grabbing first.

Kiddush Hashem at the Kiddush

When we’re at a kiddush, right after davening to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and with the sifrei Torah in another room, we certainly want our middos to reflect the atmosphere we’re in. Additionally, the caterers often employ gentiles or not frum Jews to assist. We want the way we and our children behave to reflect positively. By being mechanech our children about the appropriate decorum at a kiddush, we are giving them an important lesson for now and future simchas, including bar mitzvahs and chasunahs.

Children will be better prepared if we gently explain prior to the kiddush what our expectations are. “Please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” should be used, when appropriate. Garbage should be disposed of properly; it’s unfair to make the cleaning crew search between the seforim to find our trash nor is it kavod to a makom tefilla. Unless otherwise specified, the shul kiddush is not in place of dush attendees sneeze or cough into the food, grab with their hands, and behave in ways that make the food unappetizing to others.

Little kids risk getting lost in the crowd so take whatever precautions are necessary to keep your child safe. As a general rule, it’s always a good idea to keep an extra eye on our precious youngsters in large crowds. Unfortunately, not

everyone around us is trustworthy with our treasures.

While we want to help others, we should be careful when serving young children that are not ours. Many children have allergies, and the littlest ones won’t be able to discriminate between a safe food and an unsafe one. Parents of allergic children know to watch their children carefully, but we all can do our part to protect the future members of Klal Yisroel.

As adults, we lead by example, and we should be cognizant that our children learn from watching us. We should be courteous to others. This includes not pushing or stopping for a long schmooze over the food, preventing others from partaking.

Each shul has its own minhagim and policies that we should adhere to. A few potential examples include where strollers may and may not be brought and how the genders are separated.

We should allow children to experience the joy that comes with being a frum Jew, and we shouldn’t forget that the excitement of a kiddush is one of the fun parts of a frum childhood. Along with the good food comes even more important lessons in derech eretz and proper middos. Wishing all of TJH readers many simchas to celebrate with each other! Mazal tov!

Rather than just a place to grab food and gorge oneself, the kiddush is a family’s special occasion.

the family’s seuda at home, and our portion size should reflect that. Demonstrate proper serving utensil usage (as opposed to using hands or personal utensils), particularly now when the flu and other viruses are spreading rapidly.

It’s often better if young children are served rather than helping themselves since little eyes are far bigger than little stomachs. I’ve seen the youngest of kid-

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at Rayvych Homeschool@gmail.com.

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