What Would You Do If… Dear Navidaters,

As the married friend of a single 29-year-old girl, I’m growing increasingly worried about her. In her low 20’s, she just wasn’t ready for marriage and that was totally OK. In her mid-20’s she consistently chased after the wrong guys and avoided the guys that actually would have been good for her. Essentially, she liked the “bad boys” and didn’t find the nice guys very appealing. Now, in her late twenties, she’s taken on a bit of a snobby persona, and while she still professes that she wants to get married very badly, I feel that she’s actually further away from reality than she was a few years ago.

To date, she has not had any long-term dating relationship, either in the shidduch world or meeting guys her own. And the guys she seems to like tend to dump her almost immediately. I feel like she doesn’t understand herself at all, and even though she is in therapy, it doesn’t seem to be working.

I’m too scared to tell her any of this for fear that she’ll get angry at me and not take my words to heart. She has a hard time with criticism, and she often perceives that she’s being criticized when nobody is actually attacking her at all! I’m told she’s been getting a reputation as a snob and “holier than thou” from outsiders, and I’m having a really hard time defending her reputation lately. I love her and want what’s best for her, but I’m frozen in place... what do I do?

Sincerely,

A Friend Indeed

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Lisa Babich

Hi “A Friend Indeed,”

I hear your concerns and really understand your fears and what you are conveying. I think the first thing you need to realize is you don’t need to feel that this responsibility is all on your shoulders. Hashem can guide her on the right path, and you don’t need to feel its fully in your control. She also is a person with free choice at the end of the day who has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences – whether good or bad. I start with that because I sense a heavy weight you are carrying when sometimes we need to let go of a situation and the lack of control that we have in it.

That being said, I do feel that there is a kind way to help guide friends without it sounding critical. You can offer her some amazing resources and tell her you heard these resources have really helped people shift their perspectives. Two such books that come to mind are “I Only Want To Get Married Once” by Chana Levitan and “Marry Him” by Lori Gottlieb. There are also incredible dating coaches out there and perhaps suggesting one of them to her can be helpful.

Bottom line, this situation does not fall entirely on you, and as a friend, you can help guide her to the right places so that an “outsider” can be direct with her and tell her all the things you wish you can say.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Thanks for taking the time to ask a great question.

You are a good friend and have the best intentions of helping out. I am sure this is not new to you, but I will say it nonetheless. Not all singles want their married friends to come and “save” them. It can not only feel uncomfortable but patronizing and out of place. From what you write, I venture to say you are not the right delivery person for dating advice. You mentioned that communicating with her will lead to anger in addition to ignoring your comments altogether. You also mentioned that she does not take criticism from friends very well. Many people have a hard time accepting criticism – are you completely innocent of that yourself? Do you know how badly she wants to get married? Do you know how hard it is getting rejected time after time by the guys she actually likes? Do you know how hurtful it is for someone going through an obvious challenge to get unsolicited advice? Why conjure up theories about why she is still single, or what kind of guys she is running after? Even if it is true, she will not change unless she wants to change. This is her life, after all. Work on your friendship with this friend whom you love. Get closer and bond over other things besides her singlehood. Find ways to chill together and build memories. If she asks you for advice, you may then give it in a loving way.