Asking Children to Take Sides

By Etti Siegel

She is sitting on my couch, and she casually mentions, “I just don’t know what to do about Chani’s behavior in school. She is so bright. She questions the teacher and can be rude sometimes, well, according to her teacher. Could it be that her teacher is not experienced enough to deal with kids who need enrichment?”

Seems like a good question, and a great conversation starter, except for one fact. Her daughter is in the room! Playing not too far from where we are sitting!

Two moms are doling out French fries to their children in the pizza shop and I overhear, “And his Rebbe said… so ridiculous. I’m going to have to write him a note to tell him we disagree.”

Some men are in the shul foyer getting on coats, and as they absentmindedly hand their sons their outerwear, they continue their conversations with each other, the merits and drawbacks of the Yeshiva’s new policies. Their sons are listening…

We might not always be on the same page as the rebbe, the teacher, the school, but discussing the issues where children can hear them?

When a school and parents are working together, all children, preschool through 12th grade, thrive. Teachers have the best intentions, but they are human and fallible. Parents want what is best for their children, and they do not mean to place their children in a difficult position. But what is a child to think when he/she hears the parent disparage the adult in school?

Dr. Leonard Sax is the author of The Collapse of Parenting. He states, “Twenty years ago, if a kid was caught cheating at school, that kid would be disciplined, but he or she would likely face more severe discipline at home. The teacher would notify the parents, who were likely to withhold privileges, perhaps grounding the child for cheating. Today, when a student is caught cheating, it’s not unusual for parents to swoop in like attorneys, demanding evidence and mounting a defense.”

Some children do block out the noise and respond well to school despite the parent’s loudly voiced complaints. Most children, though, subconsciously, or consciously, take sides. Like children caught in the middle of parental disharmony, the child will feel disloyal to the parent by liking the teacher and act out in school as a way of showing loyalty. According to research by Kelly and Johnson (2001) on the Alienated Child, children suffer when having to choose between adults in their lives. They can become anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, and confused. Some develop a sense of entitlement, often seen as chutzpah by authority in school, and end up fulfilling the parental prophesies of the school not treating the child right.

Other children develop somatic complaints. They have aches and pains that stem from discomfort of being in a classroom that their parent disapproves of.

Parents mean well. They rush to defend their children for many reasons. Some have flashbacks to their own childhood and are determined not to let their children suffer as they did. Others excuse their children because of a psychiatric diagnosis (“she can’t help it, she has ADHD. He can’t help it, he has anxiety) but they are hurting their children. Others just shrug it all off and say, “Kids will be kids.” Undermining the teacher or the school is never good for a child. The child must go to school for ten months each year and work with the adult in the front of the room. Being encouraged to misbehave (a message a parent sends when disagreeing with said adult) or being allowed to misbehave by not taking the school’s complaint seriously and working towards a resolution or a behavior plan is causing a child undue pain, as he/she is doing what they are doing because they think it pleases their parents.

Teachers need to approach parents as the allies they are and advocate working together on issues. Parents need to know that it is in their child’s best interests to show children that misbehavior in school will have consequences at home. Good middos and derech eretz should be more important to all parties than tests and assignments, as they are better predictors of life success and a child growing up to be a wholesome adult.

A story comes to mind, and it illustrates how children overhear conversations and act upon them.

A little girl, let’s call her Sara, entered my class one morning, and announced to the class, “My mother says you are not the right teacher for me, and I am probably switching to another class. But don’t worry, I will still be with this class for the afternoon.” Sara then proceeded to her seat and got out her materials for the day’s learning.

I was so confused. As far as I knew, Sara was doing fine, we had a good relationship, and I had even spoken with the mom once or twice to let her know how well her daughter was doing.

When I met with the principal later in the day, she told me to discount it.

“I was on the phone with Sara’s mother already, twice. It seems she was in school yesterday to pick up her daughter, and she saw some papers on the floor near her daughter’s desk. They were from your class and partially filled out, and she decided that you must not collect or mark sheets and were incompetent. I reassured her, without even talking to you, that there was a very reasonable explanation, that you hold your students accountable, and you are an excellent teacher.”

Those sheets? Since I do not like to throw anything away that can be reused, I keep extra copies of papers in a pile on the corner shelf that the children can use to color on or play school with. Her daughter must have taken some of the papers after my class was over, and those were the sheets near her desk.

The little girl? For a while, Sara had attitude. She was suddenly snide, not as quick to join the class in activities, and overall different than the happy-go-lucky little girl she had been before. It took a month or two, but slowly I saw Sara become acclimated again and happy to be in my class. And the mom? We never discussed it. But she sent me a gift-wrapped soap at the end of the year, so I guess we were okay.