Creating Meaningful Conversations

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Last week, I mentioned the importance of connecting to our children. The first step is to make time when we focus exclusively on them, as mentioned in the last article. The next step is to talk with them, thereby creating a closer connection. For many parents, this sounds far easier on paper than in practice. They may feel unable to speak to their child, or their youngster replies back with only one-word responses. Some parents may not even get words – just grunts or shoulder shrugs – as an answer. Oneway conversations can be very lonely.

I’d like to share a few techniques that will hopefully assist parents in opening the conversation and encourage children to return more meaningful responses. This article will not be specifically addressing difficult discussions but simply the everyday conversation that creates a loving bond between us and our precious children.

Our Full Attention

Our children should have our full attention when we spend time with them. Life can be very busy, but, when we want to have a meaningful conversation, our children should not have competition.

Parental phones and our other electronic devices should be away. Putting it down isn’t sufficient because we’ll still see the flashing screen. Kids know when we’re waiting for a text or otherwise distracted. Reading, work-related material, or anything not needed should also be placed aside.

Our children should see we’re excited to be with them. A little enthusiasm on our part can go a long way in showing just how much we enjoy their company.

Add Some Fun

It’s a mistake to think we need to feel mesiras nefesh when bonding with our children. Both kids and adults like to have fun, and we should enjoy spending time together. We’re often so busy with our many daily tasks that we can easily forget to just enjoy our child’s company. Sit back and relax with your youngster. They’ll open up more when the setting is comfortable and natural.

Choose an activity to do together that will interest both of you. Any game, craft, or activity will work to create a calmer, less stiff environment. It can be much easier to communicate when we’re doing something with our child and not simply staring at them.

Not all children become automatic conversationalists in these settings. It can help to choose an activity that necessitates communication. Cooperative games will naturally require conversation more than chess or similar activities. Coloring a large picture together will encourage more discussion than separate drawings. Building a puzzle or model together will also require lots of coordination and communication.

Taking children out of the house provides a change of scenery and is a natural conversation starter. Pointing out the sites around them and anything funny you see can help bring out the shyest of conversationalists. Even the grocery store can be a great opportunity to share a joke and a little talk. Adults are often surprised by how much interest the food aisles can generate in kids.

There’s no need to go in with a preplanned agenda; let the conversation follow the natural flow. Don’t be nervous if the first time doesn’t go as planned; some children need a few attempts before they open up.

Humor

Like adults, kids appreciate funny comments and situations. The younger kids enjoy simple silliness, while the older children have begun to understand jokes and humorous comments. Seeing kids develop a sense of humor is one of the entertaining parts of parenthood. Adding some humor is one way to add some joy and bring out our child’s smile.

It’s important to remember that kids often don’t understand sarcasm. We don’t want to accidentally make a comment or joke that our child will misinterpret and think we’re making fun of them.

Praise

Children, too, benefit from being complimented. There’s so much our kids do right that it’s a shame to not focus on the good. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to notice only when they err.

Including some praise in our conversation can show our children we appreciate the many aspects of their personality. In addition to good behavior and middos, we can recognize anything from a good move in a game to coloring within the lines.

Praise is most meaningful when it’s sincere. Taking a moment to appreciate their action before we compliment can make our praise more powerful.

Often, we throw out generalized com- pliments – “great job,” “nice work,” and other nice but essentially meaningless comments. Generalized compliments are still nice to hear but they don’t say what was so special nor do they show nose into a tissue and not your sleeve” is a meaningful compliment to a preschooler that is just learning hygiene but offensive to a teenager who will think you’re mocking them. Additionally, if we over - go well?” These are closed ended questions and our child can easily respond with a quick – and often meaningless –answer. Their day may have been “fine,” “OK,” “good,” or whatever, but the conversation is over. what made that accomplishment unique. Whenever possible, we want to make our words targeted to the behavior. “That was a skilled move. I never saw it coming.” “I like the color combination. You made the sea come alive.” This demonstrates their accomplishments are real and our praise is sincere.

A therapist once taught me the open-ended question technique. “What was your favorite part of the trip?” “What would you like to do differently next time?” These all encourage a more thought-out response and a real, more meaningful answer. Additionally, the responses naturally lead into further discussion. By putting a little thought into how we ask questions, we can turn a quick answer into an enjoyable conversation.

We certainly don’t need to be stingy with our kind words, but we don’t want to praise things that will come off as being silly or inadvertently offensive. For example, “You remembered to blow your do it – praising every step they take and move they make – then it comes off as overkill.

Keeping The Conversation Going

Many adults have experienced the frustration of asking a question – hoping to share a conversation with their child – only to receive a single word answer or shoulder shrug in response. The conversation was over before it started.

“How was your day?” “Did your exam

Communication is part of the glue that cements our relationship with our children. Our children naturally want to be close to us, even if we need to make a small effort in starting the conversation.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.