3 minute read
Navidaters,
DearI started dating David* a few months ago. Things are going really well. Recently, I’ve begun introducing him to my friends and hanging out somewhat on Shabbos or going to lunch on Sunday in a group of friends. My best friend has been acting in a way that I can only call “strange.” It makes me and David very uncomfortable. She is flirtatious and shows off and dominates conversation. She becomes all silly and giggly. David recently told me that she private-messaged him on social media saying she’s so happy for the both of us and is looking forward to spending time with both of us, as a couple.
My question is not about David. David is kindness and compassion, and he always does the right thing. He is boundaried and just wants me to feel comfortable. He also feels uncomfortable around my friend.
I told my friend in a nice way that the way she is acting around David makes David uncomfortable; pointing out examples of the things she does. I told her that I want to continue our friendship, but I need her to stop being so flirtatious and inappropriate. She accused me of being jealous and irrational. I felt like I was losing my mind.
A few days later, after radio silence between us, she reached out to David and told him what I said and warned him about me. I guess I am reaching out for chizuk and a little advice even about how to move forward. I see that she can’t be in my life. I am so shaken up. She is also starting a smear campaign about me amongst our friend group. I am getting phone calls left and right from both concerned friends who are in my corner and also from friends who are telling me I’m crazy and that our friend would never do anything to compromise my relationship. I have never been in such a situation. Any thoughts, feedback, well wishes would be so appreciated. I keep wondering if it’s me. Maybe I am too sensitive. Then I realize that the way she has been carrying herself is actually inappropriate. I can’t believe this is happening. She is a bridesmaid at my wedding, and I haven’t taken back the invitation yet.
Thank you for listening and I look forward to your responses.
-Atara*
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Atara, if everything you are saying is true, your best friend is out of line, immature, and probably jealous. If you and David are fine, secure in your relationship, and have boundaries, this is her problem.
Avoid further drama. Don’t talk about it at all. This is not high school. Tell your friends politely that David and you are fine. She will be a bridesmaid. Take the higher moral ground.
You will have to mourn the relationship you thought you had. That may be hard now as you are moving closer to your marriage and have many things on your mind. You may want to see a therapist about this for a session or two for help with closure with dignity and understanding.
Make sure to keep your relationship with David strong and healthy. Mazal tov.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Wow, what a difficult predicament.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Friend breakups and the pain that goes with it can sometimes be just as hard as relationship breakups. The feelings you might be feeling now are:
Confusion: Why is she doing this? Is she really doing something wrong, or is it just me? Why would she act this way?
Self-Doubt: If only I was less sensitive, maybe this would all blow over.
Discomfort and Feeling Unsafe: She knows so much about me and now is no longer “in my corner” and even worse, smearing me, what else is she capable of? What is coming next?
The good news is you are thankfully engaged to an amazing man who is sensitive, kind, and is completely understanding the situation properly. Your friend is likely jealous and a severe attention seeker who has found a new target. My advice to you is from now to stay as far away from her as you can. People like this get a thrill of sabotaging people’s relationships. They find passive aggressive ways to make you feel like the crazy one when they are the one acting inappropriately.
My hope as you navigate your newly distanced and monotonous relationship with her is that she will back out of bridesmaid position on her own. She will also likely soon find a new target, as attention seekers usually do. The examples you gave in your letter make it very obvious that this friend has been inappropriate, and your true and intelligent friends will acknowledge this and