Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

D ear Atara, Thank you for writing to the panel! And thank you again for your kind words. It is so heartwarming to know that you have invited us into your home and that the column sparks lively discussion.

It sounds like you are with a super healthy, boundaried guy, and I am thrilled for you! Da - vid and you side with you.

So sorry you’re dealing with such a stressful time right before Pesach. Hatzlacha with this and chag sameach!

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

My father, a”h, always used to advise, “When two people throw mud at each other, they both end up looking dirty.”

My very, very strong advice is that this is the moment for you to refrain from negativity, and, instead, carry yourself like a queen who is above it all.

Do not get into a mudslinging contest with your friend. You should not be explaining to anyone, and certainly not texting, what happened between you and your friend. Anything you say or write will be repeated, re-texted, analyzed, reinterpreted, misinterpreted, and used to escalate the conflict.

When someone asks about the situation, simply respond with, “Even the closest of friends can have disagreements. I would rather not discuss it. I’m looking forward to my friend being a bridesmaid at the wedding.” If necessary, repeat the same sentence, and nothing more.

Ask your chosson to respond similarly. If your friend contacts him, he can say, “I know that you and Atara have been great friends, and she’s looking forward to having you as a bridesmaid at the wedding.” Again, if necessary, he can repeat the same sentence and not say anything else.

Finally, if your friend reaches out to you, do not dwell on the past. Instead, simply say nothing more than, “Let’s put it behind us. I’m looking forward to my friend being a bridesmaid at the wedding.” are handling this situation with dignity and grace, and you are working together as a couple to deal with what I can only describe as a major stressor. What you are describing is absolutely toxic behavior on the part of your “friend.” She has attempted to gaslight you by telling you that you are “jealous and irrational.” Oh, Atara, there is nothing jealous or irrational about your spot-on intuition. When a person with a personality disorder is accusing you of something, it is usually their confession. Not one to diagnose from afar, your friend’s behavior points to some sort of issue within her personality. I believe she may be so deeply jealous of you and your relationship that she is unaware that her actions are so obviously deeply disturbing.

As Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) once wrote, “Don’t wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.” Don’t get into a quarrel with an irrational person. Win or lose, you bring yourself down to her level.

Some men and women feel threatened when a good friend gets into a relationship. They cannot tolerate the thought of losing the friendship and/or your very happiness and so they begin to sabotage through manipulation, passive aggressive behaviors, controlling behaviors, and inappropriate interactions with your beloved...all in the name of “friendship.”

The smear campaign she has started is typical narcissistic behavior. You called her out on her behavior, and she cannot tolerate being “seen,” so she must drag your name through the mud and make you look like the bad guy, the crazy one, or the jealous and irrational one. You told her what is bothering you and asked her to stop. A healthy friend would have felt remorse and shame at her behavior. (A healthy friend wouldn’t have been so inappropriate to begin with.) She would have felt bad. A difficult friend gets angry at you when you tell her how you feel.

Unfortunately, with such people, the only thing you can do is have a giant boundary. Keep far away from her. She is dangerous. There is nothing you can do about her smear campaign other than ask someone to intervene to try and speak some sense into her. Do not hold your breath. This is a devastating situation to be in, and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s confusing, and it’s so hurtful. I believe that these situations are more common than we realize. It seems like your friend is incredibly codependent and/or obsessed with you. She either just can’t stand your happiness and she was trying to be a third wheel to remain relevant in your life and/or she was going to make a move on David. I hope she finds the help she needs so she can find her own happiness and that she doesn’t go on to attempt to destroy other peoples’ happiness.

You and David handled this like pros! The silver lining in this cloud is that she showed her true colors now and she won’t be in your wedding photos. Wishing you all the best!

Sincerely, -Jennifer