From Despair to Great Joy

By David Elazar Simai M.D.

As we near the holiday of Passover, I wanted to share with you some of my experiences in the practice of pediatrics. I will present two situations that I encountered at my office and demonstrate to you what they share in common and how a simple resolution can change your children’s lives.

1. Shmuel is a healthy, very athletic 8-year-old boy who is a very picky eater. He came in with his mom for a well visit. His parents invested a tremendous amount of effort in trying to treat his dysfunctional eating. They went to a medical center in Manhattan that suggested that Shmuel suffers from ARFID, an eating disorder. They spent a large sum of money on therapies in the Manhattan Center and at a local psychologist as well. But much to their disappointment, Shmuel has not shown any improvement, and they totally gave up. His mom tells me during the visit in front of Shmuel: “My Shmuel will never eat normal foods.”

2. Nora is a 2-year-old toddler with her mother in for her well exam. Her mom conveys to me that Nora has gradually stopped eating regular table foods. Her mom is very nervous because Nora strongly rejects all the dinner choices. Nora seems to be developing nicely but is quite a stubborn toddler. When I ask her mom, “What does Nora like to eat?” her mom replies that she drinks milk and eats yogurts.

I will start with my reply to Nora’s mother. I explained to Nora’s mother that Nora has a common, natural gravitation to eating dairy foods. After all, as an infant, the majority of nutrition for our children comes from breast milk or infant formulas that contain cow’s milk. Parents will notice that at about nine months, their infants start rejecting large amounts of formula when offered. They all of a sudden don’t finish their formula bottles. I try to prepare the parents for this stage and explain that milk and dairy products prevent our bodies from absorbing iron.

It so happens that we are born with large iron stores in our liver. Those iron stores slowly get depleted, and at the age of 9 months, our bodies are starved for iron. Pediatricians routinely screen infants for anemia at 9 months for this reason.

G-d has programmed our bodies to reject milk at precisely the age when milk starts to negatively impact our body. Instead of drinking a milk-based formula or nursing for 100% of their nutrition, our infants now need iron-rich foods. Those foods include (in order of descending iron potential) liver, red meat, chicken, red beans, and beets.

My suggestion to Nora’s mother was to stop offering yogurt as a dinner replacement. I asked her mother to stay calm, not to coerce Nora to eat her chicken that night for dinner, and to make sure that the fridge is free of yogurt. I prepared the mother for the possibility that Nora may throw a tantrum, cry, and possibly go to bed hungry that night.

I asked her mother to show sympathy if Nora is upset, but not to give in to the yogurt request.

I shared with her that when one of my kids was 3 years old, he refused to eat chicken for dinner and demanded his favorite yogurt. My wife and I noticed that he didn’t have an appetite lately. He had been refusing to eat chicken or meat for a few weeks. My son threatened that if not given his yogurt he would go to bed hungry. And so he did. I admit that it was heartbreaking to hear and see, but I knew that giving in was not an option.

My son did go to bed hungry that night but woke up with a great appetite; he had not one but two eggs for breakfast. The best news was that the next time we offered him chicken, he gobbled down not one but four drumsticks.

I asked Nora’s mom to let me know how long it took to train Nora to eat normally. And I added that it may take up to two weeks. But I was totally wrong. This is the text I received from the mother…

“Hello good day Dr. Simai. This is….

“I just wanted you to know that Nora started eating Wednesday evening after we went home from your office, and she has been eating regularly. She is grabbing food now. You were right!!! Thank you. Thank you so very much. I appreciate your advice. It worked! G-d bless you and your family.”

What I learned from this feedback is that, as parents, we have the power to change our kids in literally one moment with one simple resolution. And that decision has very little to do with our kids. It has to do with ourselves. As parents, we simply have to decide that our kids are simply not dysfunctional. Luckily, Nora, my son, and dozens of toddlers I have interacted with had success with this approach.

When I heard the mother say her 8-year-old will never eat normally, I felt like crying for the child and for the parents who lost faith in him. The boy had been having low self-esteem in his eating habits and now thinks that his fate is sealed.

I asked Shmuel’s mother to come to my consultation room. I told her that she is a wonderful mom. I was impressed by her dedication to her son. She did not spare any effort or funds for his health. But at this point, I asked her to try this approach: Whenever her son struggles and shows frustration about food, she should smile and tell him that she also ate exactly the same way when she was a teenager.

I walked back into the room and told Shmuel: I have some good news for you. You are totally normal. You will see that as your body changes, so, too, will your taste buds. I remember growing up and just looking at salad would make me nauseous, but now, I crave salad! “Shmuel, I promise you that you will be the same. You will start craving foods that you never liked before.”

This past week, Shmuel, a handsome, athletic teenager walked into my office. When I entered the room, I smiled at him, patted him on the back, and asked him how he was feeling. He replied, “I have a cold,” but his face was beaming. I asked him: “What do you eat these days?” His smile exploded when he heard this!

“Doctor, I eat steak three times a week, I started eating omelets, and now I mix milk into my cereal!” sponsibility I have for my children, to make sure that I never harm them by saying any words that may hurt, scar, discourage, or prevent them from accomplishing what they could fulfill in their lifetime.

What I learned from being a father and a physician is the message I would like to share with you today. Rather than labeling our toddlers “picky” and giving up, we should approach our toddlers with confidence and trust. We should give them the opportunity to succeed not by giving in to their demands but by constantly instilling in them the notion that they will be successful.

When parents use this approach with their toddlers, their issues seem to dissipate within days. And if we have not realized the power of our words and are now facing a teenager, it’s not too late. It may take a few months or even years until that teenager changes, but his chance to succeed is through you! You possess the power to make him flourish, advance, and conquer his challenge.

We are standing today on the Eve of Passover, the time of our cheirus , our Freedom. Let’s all grant our kids the freedom to succeed, without any negative feelings, labels, and fears. Let’s open a new chapter of positiveness, trust, hope, and buoyancy and cheer them on to conquer new heights.

We end the Maggid portion of the Haggadah with one key message: Thanking Hashem for transforming our lives. From darkness to a great light. The Haggadah is recited to remind us that no matter how grim and dark our situation may be, we have to believe that it could all change overnight.

And of course, this approach can be used with any challenge your child faces. If your face doesn’t show despair but rather hope, optimism and confidence, your child will prosper!

Let me leave you with one more story. When one of my sons was approximately 10 years old, he would ask for the gravy to be on the opposite side of the plate from the rice. One Friday night, I mistakenly mixed the gravy on his rice. He noticed it and was upset. I immediately apologized and said that I would gladly take his portion and give him a new plate. I added, “I want you to know that you are totally normal. In fact, you are eating much better than I did at your age. You will see that soon enough you won’t mind the gravy on your rice.”

Just a few months later, my son asked me to give him his portion on Friday night. This time, he smiled and added, “You can pour the gravy on the rice – and thank you for believing in me, Abba.”

I get teary when I think about my son’s sweet words. It is not just about being picky. It is about the feeling of re -

It is appropriate for all of us as well to utilize this spirit of freedom and liberation and remove the negative feelings or labels we have given our children. Let’s approach our children with a fresh, optimistic attitude and take them from sorrow to joy and from darkness to a great light!

Wishing you the best of health, true freedom and a chag kosher v’sameach.

Dr. Simai has been a general pediatrician with a private practice in Cedarhurst since 2005. He is a graduate of Mesivta Chofetz Chaim - Queens High School, Yeshiva University and SUNY Downstate Medical School. He completed his Pediatric Residency at LIJ-Schneider Children’s Hospital. For comments, please email drsimaipediatrics@ gmail.com.

The above-mentioned information is not intended to diagnose any specific disease. Always consult your personal physician before diagnosing or treating yourself or your child.