You Gotta be Kidding Me!

David and Joseph were torn. On the one hand, they were great students, who always got A’s. Organic Chemistry was a tough class, but they studied hard and were well prepared for the final exam, which was to start at 6:00 PM. But then they won tickets to the NBA finals game 7, which was also at 6:00 PM. How could they give us such an opportunity to go to an NBA Finals game?

So they went to the game and missed the exam. But they had a plan.

The following morning, they walked into their professor’s office and said, “Professor, you would never believe what happened. After studying for the exam for three days straight, we decided to take a break and go out to eat. We knew that the exam was at 6:00 PM so we made sure to leave the restaurant at 5:00 PM, which provided ample time for us to get back in time for the exam. But as we were driving, our tire blew out. Our car almost careened out of control, but we were lucky to come to a stop on an embankment. When the police arrived, they told us that we were lucky to be alive. But unfortunately, it took three hours to get our car towed and get the tire fixed. It’s a horrible way to end the year. We can’t believe we missed the exam.”

The kind professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved; their plan had worked. The next day they arrived at the professor’s office to take the exam. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Dearest College Graduates,

On behalf of our entire community of Centerfold readers, we want to congratulate you on this momentous occasion of having to start paying off your astronomical student loans…I mean, on this occasion of graduating college. The world eagerly waits for your insights on Anaxarchus, Democritus, Leucippus and Nausiphanes. It is understandable that you may now feel like an elite member of society, after all, you are no longer in the lowly company of uneducated not-college certified common folks like the following:

Bill Gates (Microsoft)

Steve Jobs (Apple)

Michael Dell (Dell)

Mark Zuckerburg (Facebook)

Barry Diller (William Morris)

Richard Brandson (Virgin Air)

Centerfold Commissioner (You are staring at it)

Mary Kay Ash (Mary Kay Cosmetics)

Andrew Jackson (6th President of the U.S.)

Steven Spielberg (Dream Works)

Anyway, best of luck. You are going to do great, especially with your Office-Max-made diploma. Just make sure to always take yourself seriously, be insulted often, and never take your eyes off your smartphone.