Dear Teen Talk,

I love summer vacation, and I look forward to it all year. But one thing that I really do not enjoy about the summer is that I always seem to be fighting with my parents, even more than during the year.

I do not go to sleepaway camp anymore, so I am home in the summer and I usually work in a day camp, which is over by 4:30 PM. And then I want to relax and hang out with my friends and enjoy myself. I work very hard during the year, and I think I deserve my summers to do what I want. But my parents are always upset that I do not have more of a structure and they want to know exactly where I am all the time and have a strict curfew. I think I should get to stay out later since I am off from school and I always make it to work on time.

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This all causes a lot of tension and fighting every summer, and I would love advice on how I can prevent this from happening again this year.

Thank you, A Stuck Teen

Dear “Stuck Teen,”

Thank you so much for writing in. I think this is such an important topic and one that so many kids can relate to. Because the school year is more structured, the school day ends later, and there are homework and tests to study for, there is much less free time and therefore, less opportunity for parents and teens to argue about these things.

I think the most important thing to focus on here is that you and your parents are both right and you both have very valid points. You absolutely deserve your summer to relax and be with your friends, and you should have that. Summer vacation is crucial for every child, and it is imperative for your own social and emotional health that you have this time off to decompress from the year. There are chessed organizations that raise money to send kids to camp because summers are so important for a child’s develop - ment. But it is still important for parents to know where their children are, and it’s never good for anyone, child or adult, to have too much free time with absolutely nothing to do.

I think that a lot of the arguing can be avoided with some pre-summer preparation and better communication between you and your parents. I would suggest sitting down with your parents pizza shops, etc. and your parents can let you know ahead of time what places they do not allow you to visit with your friends (i.e. the boardwalk/ beach after dark, etc.)

2. You and your parents should discuss what a reasonable curfew should be during the summer. Although there is no school, you do have to be at work at a certain time so I would suggest before summer vacation officially starts and discussing the following:

1. The very real and important need you have to relax and be with your friends in an unstructured environment. Along with this you can discuss together which are appropriate venues to be at with your friends, i.e. each other’s homes, that you settle on one curfew for the week and one curfew for weekends.

3. If you and your friends are unexpectedly switching venues or you are going to be home later than expected, you should call your parents ahead of time and let them know. As a basis safety rule, your parents should have a general idea of where you are and who you are spending time with.

4. You should clarify with your parents what chores/household responsibilities are expected of you during the summer and when during the week you will make sure to take care of those responsibilities.

5. You can possibly agree on a set number of evenings per week that you are going to be out of the house with your friends vs. a number of evenings that your parents would like you to be home at night. For example, maybe your parents will agree for you to go out after work on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but would like you home on Thursdays to help prepare for Shabbos.

6. Any other topic along these lines that you feel are often sources of contention can definitely be brought up. In any relationship, having open communication is the absolute best way to ensure that no unnecessary fighting takes place.

If you feel that you have an overall positive relationship with your parents, I would suggest discussing these items all together and reaching compromises together that you can all be happy with. I am sure if you tell your parents that you would like to minimize any fighting with them, they will be thrilled to work with you on this.

If you think that you and your parents are unable to have this conversation alone, you can always meet with someone and ask them to help all of you come up with an appropriate summer plan. This is something that we can always help you with at Madraigos as well. Wishing you a great and enjoyable summer vacation!

Sincerely,

Mindi Werblowsky, LCSW