Dear Navidaters,

We were very impressed when we heard about Dovid*, an amazing yeshiva guy from what was supposed to be a great family. When he said yes to our daughter 2½ months ago, we barely looked into it because their reputation does proceed them and my son knows the boy. Looking back, this was a mistake. Our Chani is now wrapped up in a very difficult situation. She likes Dovid as a person but doesn’t want to marry him. Whenever we try ending it, the parents call us to try to do damage control. They want this shidduch to work and are going to all odds to make it happen. At this point, she has been open with Dovid and tells him how she feels, but then lines get blurred in between when things keep on going and she keeps trying based on his parents and the shadchan who’s insisting.

How can we unravel from this mess?

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

You are the parents. You are right to take responsibility for ending the mess and stopping the pressure on Chani.

It would be a good idea to have a conversation with your daughter so that there is healthy growth from this experience. It might be easiest to ask her a series of questions to be clear about ending this smartly without further enmeshment.

Is Dovid a good marriage partner? Do you think continuing to date someone you know you are not marrying is a good idea? Do you think you are doing him a favor by continuing to date him? To whom do you owe most – yourself or the young man? Is this a place for chessed? Do you want to be subjected to further pressure by him? His parents? The shadchan? Do you agree to end it yourself immediately even if it’s uncomfortable, or do you want us to help you cut the cord? Will you stick to this decision? Do you think it is smart to block the relevant phone numbers on your phone?

Your daughter will probably want your help because she realizes she responded to pressure. Call Dovid’s parents and carefully say your piece since the shadchan is not communicating honestly that it’s over. Be careful and prepare a script. Stick to it. Keep repeating it even if you sound like a broken record. Be gracious and don’t stay on the phone long. Just speak about the bottom line and keep the conversation short. Then call the shadchan and briefly say what you did. End of story.

Obviously, you are going to avoid suggestions made by that shadchan going forward. Learn from this experi- ence. It is good that you and your husband recognize and take responsibility for not having done enough research beforehand. That is healthy and honest. Translate this into firm action and move on with wisdom and gratitude to the One Above.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Thank you for your extremely important email. I am hearing that Chani has no interest in marrying Dovid, but she keeps going out as the other side keeps pushing it further. She likes him as a person but feels he’s not for her. I believe this situation highlights how vulnerable our singles are. On the one hand, they want to get married and be rid of their single status. On the other hand, they want to actually meet someone who is marriage material. What happens when a not so confident, more naive single is pushed further and further into a relationship? And what happens when this single has parents who are also unsure? Lines get crossed, boundaries get blurred, and eventually they feel that they are at the point of no return. Perhaps they confuse the excitement for being out of the shidduch parsha for excitement about marriage to the person. These are all very real feelings some singles have. Maybe they can’t verbalize it, but it is subconsciously very much there.

Your daughter seems to be an example of this cognitive dissonance. The reason you’ve let it flounder for so long is because it is truly very hard to say no to the prospect of being out of the parsha. The level of good it will feel to be out of the parsha? Well, it will feel that amount “bad” if you get wrapped up with a person you know deep down is wrong. Prolonging this is not good for anyone.

Now, how do you deal with the pressure cooker on the other side? You must just cut the cord with one snip. I know, it can be very hard to be assertive. Chani should end it with Dovid directly, so that he knows it’s over and there is no alternative. When the family calls you after, have a line that you stick to and repeat it until you’re blue in the face. Say it levelheadedly and confidently. You and your daughter will grow from this experience, I assure you.

Much hatzlacha!

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

Dear Concerned parents,

It sounds like there aren’t any boundaries in place. No means no. If your daughter wants to end things, she should. Nobody can interfere with her choice unless she gives it away. If it’s too difficult for her to terminate the relationship in-person (because of getting swayed or feeling like her judgement is clouded), then I would recommend doing it over the phone.

You, your daughter, and your husband don’t need to justify your decision to other parties in order for it to be “good enough.” Just decide and commit. It’s much simpler to terminate a relationship earlier rather than later.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Ihave two thoughts to share with you.

First: Beware Helicopter Parents and Snowplow Parents.

Most people are familiar with the term “Helicopter Parents,” who constantly hover over their children, insert themselves into their every activity, and micromanage every aspect of their children’s lives.

Besides being extremely annoying, these parents can actually be harmful to a child’s well-being. For example, highly competent teachers often find it difficult to do what they do best when parents are constantly interfering and questioning everything that they’re attempting to accomplish. And, these children never learn how to successfully deal with real life situations.

Now, there is a term for a new phenomenon, called “Snowplow Parents.” These parents constantly attempt to push obstacles out of their children’s paths. Anything that stands in the way of what they feel is best for their child must be bulldozed out of the way.

It sounds like Dovid’s snowplow parents believe that they have discovered a gem in your Chani and that their son is entitled to this gem.

Snowplow parents will not allow minor obstacles, like “I do not want to marry him,” stand in their way.

So, this dilemma leads to:

Second: How to end it definitively.

The following advice does not just apply to shidduchim. There are many situations in life where we make a decision, and the other party, or parties, simply won’t take “no” for an answer.

For your every explanation, they have rebuttals. Every argument that you advance generates counterarguments. They will never accept your reasons, and you’ll be stuck in an endless stream of back-andforth conversations.

Here’s how to end it: Compose a simple, clear, irrefutable, declarative sentence, and then, no matter what the other persons say or ask, simply repeat that sen- tence.