Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Thank you for writing into the panel. It is clear that David’s parents have a specific agenda. They want Chani for their son. It is also clear that they don’t take “no” for an answer. What is unclear to me is whether or not you and Chani are clear in your boundary and agenda – that Chani is not interested in marrying Dovid, period. What is your understanding around Chani going back to Dovid and “trying”? If this is going to end, Chani is going to have to firmly say “no” and follow through. Going back to Dovid may be sending him a mixed signal.

Ultimately, it is not OK for Dovid and his parents to be pushing this hard and … why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him?

Chani seems to be acting “un - sure” of her decision, and until she stops going back, it seems as though Dovid is likely to continue pursuing her.

I recommend that Chani speak to a professional to help her create and keep clear and kind boundaries. And as for you, her parents, stay distantly polite and keep repeating the same mantra. “This isn’t going to work.” “There is nothing we can do.” “It’s up to the kids.” You don’t have to pick up the phone every time it rings. Offer your daughter professional help because she is the one who has to end this, officially.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@ gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

For example, you may wish to say, “My daughter thinks that Dovid is a wonderful young man, but she does not feel that this is the right shidduch for her.”

And then, when they ask why, or why not, or what doesn’t she like about him, or what can he do differently, or can she give it some more time, resist the temptation to politely explain yourself.

Simply repeat, “My daughter thinks that Dovid is a wonderful young man but does not feel that this is the right shidduch for her.”

And then, when they enlist shadchanim, or local rabbis, or your neighbor’s sister-in-law to call you and try to change your mind, do not feel pressured to give your reasons and get stuck in an endless round of futile conversations.

Simply repeat, “My daughter thinks that Dovid is a wonderful young man but does not feel that this is the right shidduch for her.”

Eventually, they will give up and leave you alone.

(Now, if only I could convince those guys who keep calling me that I really mean “no” and do not want to buy an extended warranty on my car, or solar panels on my roof, or a lifetime guaranteed annuity…)