Parenting Pearls Tech Talk

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Despite the title, I will not be reviewing for you the latest phone or gaming device. It’s possible my last gaming experience may have been on the original Nintendo.

I recently received a series of text messages from another adult. I think it’s sufficient to say the messages were both aggressive and nasty. My husband tried to help me be dan l’kaf z’chus why someone would send such angry messages and I appreciated his help reframing her actions. I make it a point to not use examples or stories of people that will be able to identify themselves (or others), but I’m not that worried in this case. Besides the fact that she doesn’t actually read my articles, I truly don’t think she realized how hurtful and combative her words were.

I’ve been truly bothered by how someone who presumably tries to be thoughtful in speech could create such a threatening message and then press the “send” button. These are the actions of an adult who wasn’t raised with a cell phone in one hand and an email account in the other. Kal v’chomer, how carefully we must educate our children who are not yet mature in in-person interactions yet are already communicating with tech. Sadly, for many youngsters, electronics may be their main form of interaction with peers.

I’d like to preface this discussion by mentioning it’s my humble opinion that, despite the convenience and ease of electronic modes of communication, children and teens should not rely on them for communication. Our youth are still learning the basics of communication and how to navigate interpersonal relationships. They require in-person interactions to gain these crucial skills. Along with words, tone and body language are just two of the means we use to communicate with others – neither is learned through text or email. This is in addition to the reality that messaging encourages poor spelling, grammar and word usage (as the teacher in me laments).

Despite the potential downsides of communicating with technology, the world at large is increasingly using these methods, and this, too, must be included in our chinuch. It’s routine to get information from healthcare providers, business colleagues and even shul updates electronically. As parents, we have the opportunity to educate our children in appropriate electronic communication usage when they’re young so they will be respectful and appropriate when they’re older.

Real Talk

Kids can usually talk to other children in-person or over the phone. When we had a question about homework, we picked up the archaic corded phone and dialed. If we wanted to arrange a playdate, we either did so when we saw our desired playmate or we gave them a ring.

There are many ways to speak to another person that don’t require text or email and, preferably, children should still avail themselves of these options. It’s easy to use technology, and there’s a time and place for it. But, we should still ensure our children are building real communication skills by enjoying real time with real people as much as possible.

The Power of the Edit

When I was in elementary school, I generally didn’t look over my written work (please don’t tell my teachers). I figured it was enough that I bothered to write the essay in the first place, I certainly didn’t want to trouble myself to read it again. Currently, I’m a “few” years older and enjoy writing articles for TJH readers each week. One crucial lesson I learned through this column is the importance of editing. Yes, TJH has a fabulous editing team, and there’s someone to catch my mistakes. But I like to submit a well written piece, and I don’t think any editing team wants to fix terrible or incoherent work.

When we send emails and text messages, we don’t have an editing team backing our work. Nobody is there to correct our spelling, grammar, or incorrect word usage or ensure we sound coherent. More importantly, there’s no one to double check that we are speaking with derech eretz or that our true intent is coming across clearly and appropriately.

It’s a chessed to our children and all the individuals they will communicate with to make sure they know to read and reread any message before it’s sent. It’s an excellent idea to have someone else read the message before hitting the send button to give another look and make sure the intent is properly conveyed. The need for a second set of eyes is even more important when it comes to emotionally heavy topics.

It’s risky to send an important text or email when you’re sick, angry or in pain (physically or emotionally). While it’s completely appropriate to text your doctor for an appointment or a good friend to pick up something at the store, it would be a terrible idea to choose that time to discuss a thorny problem you had with someone’s child during carpool. Kids, too, need to be careful what they write when feeling uncomfortable or emotional.

Acronyms are very popular when communicating electronically. LOL, IYKWIM and TTYL are now common words, so common that my spellcheck recognized them. As clear as these many alphabet soup mini words may sound to some, they can be incomprehensible to others. Children need to be mindful that many people – especially adults – are unfamiliar with these phrases and may feel embarrassed to ask. It could also be deemed disrespectful to use when writing to a rebbi, morah or other authority figure.

Kids should not text or write words they wouldn’t say out loud. This applies both to things that are hurtful and to that which would be called “nivel peh” (dis- gusting speech or curse words). Typing does not kasher it. Additionally, many acronyms contain a letter denoting a curse word; that, too, should not be written.

An Eye That Sees

We’re aware that Hashem constantly sees and hears what we do, but we can easily forget that the written word can be read again and again. Words said verbally can be very painful but words that are written don’t get erased and can cause pain repeatedly each time they are read.

While it’s hard for children and teens to recognize the future implications of their current actions, it’s imperative they understand that what they send now can come back to haunt them years later. There have been numerous cases of careers being ruined from old messages and social media posts. Words written years ago have been used to deny students admission to their school of choice as well as assist law enforcement during investigations. Thinking now before sending can prevent many problems later on.

Being a mensch is a full-time job and doesn’t end when technology begins. Teaching children appropriate communication skills provides lifelong benefits. May we and our children merit to use our words to heal and improve the lives of others.