Creating Warm, Loving Relationships with Our Teens

Rebbetzin Shifra Fried Talks about the Powerful Connection between Parents and their Children

By Malkie SchulMan

“If I had to sum up my message to moms of teens,” Rebbetzin Shifra Fried, Dina Friedman certified life mastery coach and teen parenting expert in Brooklyn, maintains, “it would be: you must first take care of yourself, love yourself, believe yourself worthy before you can hope to help your teen believe in himself.”

She adds, “I also believe that having a loving and warm relationship with your teen isn’t just about trying to fix their problems. It’s about being fully present and engaging with them with all your attention.”

Of course, this is very difficult if you have a job and/ or a house full of other needy children. But nobody said parenting was easy and nobody in their right mind ever said parenting teens was effortless.

Shifra’s unique coaching approach has been largely shaped by her experiences as both a mother and a shul rebbetzin for nearly thirty years. Having experienced the complexities and difficulties firsthand as a mother of teenagers herself, Shifra embarked on this coaching path not only with her book knowledge and certifications but armed with valuable insights and tools gained through her own personal growth journey.

This dual perspective, she affirms, has given her a broader understanding of how to deal with different types of people. It has honed her speaking and teaching skills, enabling her to pursue her goal as an effective coach to her clients.

“My aim is to empower mothers to be the best moms they can be to their teens. Through hands on workshops and individual coaching, I support and validate them as they go through this part of their life journey.”

A Holistic Approach

“It’s not so much about what medicine should you take to alleviate your symptoms, or what exact words should you use when you talk to your child, but more about how to see yourself as a tzelem Elokim (image of G-d) and then from there be able to see your child as a tzelem Elokim. That’s where it starts,” Shifra says. “When you as the mother can value yourself, only then can you understand who your child is. If you know in your bones how worthy you are, then you can move forward in an empowering way and become your child’s best advocate.

“When I talk about self-care,” Shifra shares, “many moms get nervous. They feel they’re being selfish and indulgent if they do anything for their sole enjoyment. Unfortunately, the martyr mom after all these years is still held in the greatest esteem.”

Shifra shares the time she happened to meet the mother of one of her clients. The mom said to her, “Isn’t my daughter amazing? She works full-time. She even comes at the expense of the mother’s equanimity then it’s a disaster that is actually happening all around us,” maintains Shifra. Which is why Shifra frequently organizes women’s serenity retreats to give the women a chance to indulge herself just for herself, not for anybody else. Of course, the ripple effect is inevitable. A happy, refreshed mom is a happy, refreshed family.

Another aspect of her holistic approach is getting parents to realize the profound influence they have on their children, especially their teens.

“We’re all used to hearing that, during the teen years, the child rejects the parents and is only interested in what their peers have to say. But that’s not true,” asserts Shifra. “Studies show that teens value their parents’ input more than their friends’. Sure, friends have more influence when it comes to hairstyles and fashion but, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, parents play a pivotal role in shaping their children’s values, character, and overall development.” works on Sundays.” Shifra confides that she said nothing to the mom, but she shares with me what she really wanted to say – Actually, Mrs. Goldstein, that’s awful! Besides her job, your daughter has a large family. She needs to cut back, not to work more hours!

It’s a difficult mindset to break, especially in some communities, where women have been raised to be, not only the bearer of larger families, but sometimes the breadwinner of the family as well. Orthodox girls are being raised on the concept of the selfless mother there to serve everybody else.

“While all this is beautiful and meritorious, if it

And that’s the good news. Because we live in a crazy world where there are no values. In the past, the average American citizen could tell you what’s wrong and what’s right. Today, no one’s allowed to make any value judgements on morality issues. This is a huge challenge for parents to deal with. Even though the Torah world has a strong moral code, we no longer live in an insulated environment. A parent’s strong ethical stance is vital to today’s teen. Not that they should ram their beliefs down the child’s throat. The healthy way to transmit values is by maintaining a strong bond with their teen, letting him or her know that there is an open-door policy in their house, that no topic is off bounds or too shameful to talk about.

The Coaching Process

“Depending on what the specific issue is (and whether it’s about parenting her teen or parenting herself),” shares Shifra, “there are different coaching processes I use to help my clients.”

These processes are logical, step-by-step progressions to the solution and that is their beauty and why they are so effective. One process, for example, is called the Empowering Metaphor Process. “I will use it when my client feels weakness in a particular area.” The idea is to empower the individual to perform at her peak. The means to her empowerment is through delineating the client’s starting point and her desired ending point through the use of metaphors. “First, I tell the client to create a metaphor that describes the way she sees herself now, then create a metaphor that describes the way she’d like to see herself. Once she has the metaphors in mind, we begin the process of trying to shed the old one and internalize the new one. Once the client sees themselves as the new metaphor in a real way, she will begin to act like that in her life.”

For example, a client comes in with enmeshment issues between her and her teen daughter.

Shifra will begin the session by asking her client to describe her present experience with her daughter.

“My daughter is clingy and enmeshed.”

What are the thoughts holding you back?

“I feel bad for her. I feel I have to save her.”

What feelings come up with the thoughts?

“Pity.”

What feelings come up when you see your clingy enmeshed daughter?

“I feel drained.”

Again, what thoughts are holding you back?

“She can’t manage on her own; who’ll be there for her if I’m not?”

At this step, Shifra will ask her client to create a mental image of what her enmeshed daughter looks like and what she, the mom, looks like.

“She’s a leech, not detaching. I see the mother depleted and exhausted.”

What do you want?

“I want to be there for her but with boundaries.”

What image represents being there with boundaries?

“A shoreline, because though the water constantly comes to the shore, it always stops and recedes.”

Be in that image and imagine what that looks like. What would happen if you were to merge with the empowering metaphor you chose – you would be that shoreline – what would that look like? Sit in it. Imagine waves coming towards you, maybe they go a little over the line but then watch them retreat. Then they come back, but then they retreat. You’re there for your child, but at a certain point, you retreat. She understands that you don’t have to be there all the time. She knows you’ll be back, even when you’re not there now.

After that, Shifra will walk the mom through her day with her child. Where do you see her leech-like behavior the most?

“Bedtime.”

How will you react now that you’re a shoreline, meaning you’re there as a constant but do retreat at times?

Inevitably, the mother will see that she does have the strength to say something like, “I’m leaving the room now. Turn off the lights at ten.” Not only is this healthy for the mother but it’s wonderful for the child as well because she witnesses her mother’s predictability. She experiences a calmer mother which makes her feel calmer. She also sees her mom trusts her and that she can’t manipulate her, which is, believe it or not, what all kids really want.

At the end of the process, Shifra will review with her client the mental image of her as a shoreline and reaffirm how living that metaphor will allow her daughter to develop independence, resilience, and a sense of personal responsibility.

Other coaching processes include somatic work, such as body scanning. The client scans her body and identifies where she’s feeling physical discomfort. Since physical pain is almost always a manifestation of emotional pain, Shifra will use the physical pain as a starting point to move her client forward emotionally.

Shifra recalls a mother who struggled with deep-rooted shame and feelings of inadequacy in relation to her two at-risk sons. She blamed herself for their issues and could not get past it. She also had intense headaches.

“Through body scanning and other somatic work, we worked extensively on addressing these core issues and reframing her self-worth,” shares Shifra. Through the process, Shifra’s client was able to confront and heal her inner wounds which, in turn, enabled her to separate her self-worth from her children’s actions. Her headaches were also subsequently greatly reduced.

In her coaching practice, Shifra often meets mothers who express feelings of guilt and a belief that they are solely responsible for their child’s happiness. In one particular case, a mother shared her concerns about her daughter’s difficulty in making friends in school. Her daughter said the girls in her class were snobby and not on her wavelength. The mother felt it was her responsibility as the mom to make sure her daughter had friends.

During their work together, Shifra discovered that her client was holding a lot of emotion regarding her own childhood incident of being bullied and no friends coming to her defense. Using a process called the Emotional Journey (created by leading authority on emotional healing and life transformation Brandon Bays, author of The Journey), Shifra helped her client identify the distressing emotions surrounding this childhood event. After identifying her emotions and then releasing them one by one, her client was able to come to a place of peace. Only at that point could she now begin to do the work of being there for her child in a productive way.

Summer is a Comin’

Specific challenges that come up during the summer months between parents and teenagers such as immodest dressing, excessive free time, and peer influence can create tension and anxiety within the family dynamic.

“Last summer, a client reported that her 12-year-old pre-teen daughter was pulling up her skirt and rolling up her sleeves,” says Shifra. “The mother said she spent a lot of time discussing the laws of modesty with her child. I spent a lot of time with the mother discussing why talking about the laws of modesty is not the way to go.”

A child who behaves so differently from her family, Shifra explains, is screaming for help. She knows the laws of tzinius. No one has to spend more time explaining them. She’s already aware that dressing immodestly is not acceptable in her family or her community.

The first thing parents need to do, advises Shifra, is step back and see their child as the tzelem Elokim she is. It may be peer pressure, it may be the world outside that’s causing her to act this way, it may be a reaction to tensions at home. The bottom line is she’s behaving this way because she’s in pain – not because she wants to be “bad.” When you look at her essence, explains Shifra, it’s a whole different ballgame. You’re not lecturing her; you’re saying, “I love you and I care about you. I see something is bothering you. How can I help you?”

Approaching the child this way is the appropriate way, believes Shifra, but not necessarily the way that will guarantee an overnight change in the teen’s behavior. In fact, the child may not change at all. And that brings us to the very important next step – accepting our teens for who they are right now even if it’s not where we want them to be.

Parents must understand, and this is so fundamental, stresses Shifra, that their children have their own life journeys. We cannot control that. Every soul comes down to this world to fulfill its life’s mission. We have no idea what that mission is and have no control over whether they fulfill or don’t fulfill it. Mothers and fathers and every individual on this planet are here to work on themselves, not on anybody else, even their children.

“If we understand this,” continues Shifra, “we’ll understand that how our kids turn out is not our fault. The way they are right now is not our fault. All we can do and what we are here to do is support them on their journey.”

In addition to addressing specific challenges, Shifra offers general parenting tips and strategies to help mothers build strong and meaningful relationships with their children. One crucial aspect is the need for parents to prioritize quality time with their children and minimize distractions, particularly regarding the excessive use of technology.

Shifra recalls a particular incident where she witnessed a young mother en - grossed in her phone while at the pool with her five-year-old. The mom was rushing her son along, snapping at him to move quickly otherwise he’d miss his swimming lesson. A moment later, her phone buzzed.

“The transformation was immediate. And disturbing,” shares Shifra. “One minute, the mom was berating her son for crawling like a snail, and the next minute she was laughing at some image on her screen.”

Parents need to put away their phones. They need to show their kids that they are more important than whoever it is trying to reach them on their cell.

“Especially with their teens and especially if they’re used to seeing their parent with the phone instead of them,” she says. “It’s a good idea, as they’re putting away their phone, to actually verbalize, ‘I love you so much that I want to spend time with you, not with my phone.’”

Her job as coach is to empower mothers so Shifra tries to lay low on the guilt but sometimes, she can’t help but point out to moms: Remember what your children see you doing now they will one day do with their own children.

Another example discussed during workshops is the challenge of managing a teenager’s free time. Often, mothers feel overwhelmed and frustrated by their teenagers spending excessive time on social media or engaging in unproductive activities, particularly during the summer when there’s little structure. They react by imposing strict restrictions or lecturing their teenagers on the importance of not hanging around with the wrong crowd.

Teenagers often use social media as a means of connection and self-expression, explains Shifra. They also may be bored. Instead of immediately resorting to restrictive measures, Shifra suggests that mothers engage in open conversations with their teenagers to understand their interests, hobbies, and aspirations. By showing genuine interest, mothers can help their teenagers find productive and fulfilling activities to engage in during their free time.

Peer influence is another common issue. Moms will express concern about their teenagers’ choice of friends or the negative impact of peer pressure on their behavior. Some parents react by isolating their teenagers or attempting to control their social interactions. But parents have to understand that peer influence is normal for teenagers. It’s how they feel a sense of belonging and is important for their development.

Of course, it’s also normal to be concerned when you see them hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. But again, shares Shifra, the way to deal with it is never with lectures but always with first stepping back and seeing them as beings of infinite G-dly value. Then you can sit down with them and try to get a feel for what’s going on, why they feel the need to hang out with these types of friends.

“Another suggestion is,” Shifra advises, “instead of immediately labeling the teenager’s friends as negative influences, take the time to get to know them. Maybe they’re really nice kids!” children. Someone asked him what to do when a young teen, for instance, sleeps late and doesn’t go to minyan. “Never force him or nag him,” Rav Gershon, zt”l, said. “Children need encouragement. Forcing causes the opposite. Forced chinuch is backwards chinuch. Chinuch should always be friendly and loving. Criticism hurts them tremendously and it causes the child to rebel.” The foundation and rule in chinuch, Rav Gershon concluded, is that a child should never feel criticized.

Only through affection, attention and affirmation do we show teens they have value. “Especially when they mess up,” Shifra notes, “make sure you tell them you love them. Go out of the way to say I love you even though you may have to give consequences. Kids beat themselves up enough. They know when they’re doing something wrong, a parent harping on it is unproductive.”

That’s why the Shabbos table should be a place of joy and harmony, not a place of restriction and rules. If a child wants to leave his seat, let him. If the teen goes off to the couch to read, keep your mouth shut, advises Shifra.

“We want them to look back with fondness at their Shabbos experiences. The more we lay off the guilt, the better chance we have. We never want to (over)hear our child saying that the Shabbos table was tense or boring. ‘Dad only talked to Mom, never to the kids, except to scream at us to stop fighting.’

“The importance of creating a happy home environment in general can’t be overstated,” says Shifra. Children are highly attuned to the energy and emotional atmosphere in their surroundings. Unfortunately, parents are not always on the same page. But just like parents aren’t responsible to change their child, one spouse isn’t responsible to change their partner.” (It’s also beyond the scope of this article to discuss marital issues.)

“In the case where the parents aren’t on the same page vis-a-vis dealing with their teens, aside from getting professional help, I’d seriously suggest prayer (which I suggest even when you’re both on the same page!),” says Shifra. “Pray your heart out. Accept that the marital (dis)harmony in the home is also part of each child’s soul’s journey. We can only do what we can do. It’s vital we do the best we can but also, at the same time, accept what we can’t do. This is where Hashem put you and this is where He put your child. Accept yourself, your limitations, and your situation whatever it may be.”

Tell Them You Love Them

Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz, a mekubal and rosh yeshiva in Jerusalem, shares a powerful perspective on the challenges parents face in raising children amidst the temptations of today’s modern world. He says that telling our children to close their eyes to all the temptations around them is as difficult as if we’re asking them to perform the Akeida. Rav Gamliel suggests that rather than attempting to close their eyes to all temptations, parents must empower their teens to make choices aligned with their values while providing loving guidance and support along the way.

It’s all about focusing on the positive. Rav Gershon Edelstein, zt”l, former esteemed rosh yeshiva of the Ponevezh Yeshiva in Bnei Brak, in an interview, emphatically stressed the need to talk pleasantly at all times with our

“And remember,” she adds, “what the great educator Rabbi Zecharya Wallerstein, zt”l, said: ‘Falling is not failure. Not getting up is failure.’ Of course, you’ll fall. We all do; that’s why we’re here in this world. We just need to pick ourselves up.”

The Reward is in the Work

One of the most rewarding aspects of Shifra’s work is witnessing the ripple effect of positive change. When she assists a mother in finding her own inner strength and developing healthier patterns of interaction, it not only transforms her relationship with her teenager but also positively impacts the entire family. The growth and empowerment of one individual can create a lasting legacy that extends to future generations. Witnessing these transformations and the resulting positive changes within families affirms Shifra’s hope for the Jewish nation, which all begins with close family connection.

By Daniella Quinn