The Panel The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Baila, this is a wise move to make. You don’t want your son’s friends to be the only influence on him. Here are a few points to discuss which will open the conversation. Follow the topics where they go and discuss further and deeper at other opportunities. I am sure my fellow panelists will make other useful suggestions.

You want to have an open relationship with your son as he adults. Use this opportunity to bring the two of you closer. After years away from home, a young man needs to reconnect with his parents, share his values, demonstrate his maturity, and communicate, too. Be straight. Put your needs aside and pay attention to what he is expressing. Create an environment where you can ask follow-up questions and build trust. Be smart and focus on helping your son feel supported and understood.

Remind your son that just like he is eager to make a good impression, so is a girl on a date. Making an effort to put a girl at ease is smart and kind. Getting to know the other person beyond the initial impression takes time.

Letting one’s personality show is important. Being authentic takes time, skill, and effort. You may want to role play in a light manner.

I would also discuss the pluses and minuses of dating for boys and girls immediately upon return from Eretz Yisroel.

The Engaged Couple

Shmuli & Shira

From Awkward Dates to Happily Ever Laughter.

Hi! It’s great that you’re looking for advice to help your son feel more comfortable as he enters the “Dating Parsha.” When you are helping your son (and BE”H your other kids) find his other half keep in mind his emotions, feelings, and gut feeling. Regardless of the number of dates, always be there for him by making sure that you fully understand him (his needs, wants and feelings) and at no point at all show him any pressure or sense of being rushed. Here are some tips you can share with him.

First and foremost is communication. Encourage your son to communicate openly and honestly with his date. It’s important for him to express his thoughts, interests, and concerns while also listening actively to his partner.

Next is to always be yourself; authenticity is crucial. Encourage him to stay true to his hashkafa, personality, and interests. It’s very important not to pretend to be someone else he’s not, just to impress his date. For your son, this is a next-level whole new experience, and therefore advise your son to take things at a comfortable pace. Again, he shouldn’t feel the need to rush things or have outside pressure from yourself or others.

Since this is a new experience, I would suggest that you or another female (cousin, female relative) should “go out” on a mock date and get him used to going out with a girl. A good idea (this is not for everyone) would be to go to a Shabbos lunch either as a family or with his friends to be exposed to and/or talk to a girl who is there. Another thing he should do is to scout out the date location beforehand with a friend, or really anyone. This would be so that he is comfortable with the place and have a sense of familiarity.

Being a good and keen listener is in the same place as communication. These are very important traits (as I’m sure you know)! Encourage and practice with your son to actively listen to his date and show genuine interest in what she has to say. Being a good listener (giving your full attention) while still having a good conversation involves finding a balance between attentive listening and active engagement.

From the moment she comes down those steps till he brings her to her front door, (yes, walk her to her door unless all the neighbors are being Yentas), he should try his best to maintain eye contact. To nod and smile often and by providing verbal cues (a simple “uh huh”) shows that he’s actively listening. Avoid interrupting at all costs! It is important to let the other person finish speaking before responding. Teach your son to resist the urge to interrupt or interject his thoughts while his date is talking. Ask open-ended questions! Practice with your son asking open-ended questions that go beyond simple “yes” or “no” answers. This prompts his date to share more about herself, her interests, and her experience. When she (hopefully) reciprocates and asks him a question, he should make sure to ask her back the same question. Share personal experiences that can relate to the topic at hand (stories from yeshiva, his dorm, or camp).

Encourage your son to show genuine curiosity about his date’s life, hobbies, family, dreams, hashkafa, and goals. He should avoid distractions, for example at the date’s location (that’s why it’s good to scout out the place) and not to look at his phone except when using GPS or in an emergency! When your son does start to date, is in the process of dating, and especially when things are getting serious, he should have an outside perspective from a trusted mentor or rabbi who has experience within a yeshivish framework.

Make sure to tell him that when on (all) the date(s), he should bring or if he forgot, then buy her a drink. Also, before he starts driving, he should let her know where they are headed to (unless you are proposing on that date then you can leave it to be a surprise).

Remember, it’s normal to feel a bit (a lot) nervous or (very) awkward when entering the dating world. Remind your son to have patience, be kind to himself, and approach dating with a positive attitude. Hatzlacha to him in this new “parsha” of his life!

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

Dear Baila,

What a great question. I would first validate your son and let him know that it’s perfectly normal for him if he feels nervous or uncomfortable. The unknown is nerve-wracking, dating is nerve-wracking, and all that combined with being sensitive to the opposite gender is even MORE nerve-wracking. And again, that’s to be expected!

I would put things in perspective and let him know that the girl is probably also a bit nervous, and that’s totally OK! I would then boost up his ego, informing him that any girl would be lucky to spend time with him, and that the goal is to simply connect with another person and treat them with dignity and class.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

That is a very relevant, practical question.