Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dear Baila,

Thank you so much for writing into our column. I commend you for wanting to prepare your son as he begins the dating chapter of his life and help him to feel more comfortable during the process. Growing up not having interaction with members of the opposite gender can most certainly leave most people feeling rather unprepared and even scared or anxious as they contemplate spending large amounts of time one on one.

One piece of advice that many early daters and your son should find invaluable is the fact that people are people. Men are people. And women are peo - ple. Refram- ing the situation from “date with the opposite gender” to “meeting with a person” can really take the pressure off a young, novice dater. When boys and girls don’t have access to the opposite gender in any sort of social situation, they can begin to fantasize all sorts of catastrophes and can believe that the opposite gender is so very different from who he/she is. Helping your son reframe and see things through this lens may prove to help alleviate some of his anxiety.

Letting your son know that it is the most normal thing in the world to feel anxious or awkward as he begins dating is another strategy that if employed can help settle his nerves. “Of course, you’re nervous! That means you’re normal! Most people are!” Once you have validated and normalized his feelings, if he is open to it, you can help him explore his feelings and explore his anxieties. This will let him know that you are a completely safe and judgment-free person for him to speak with and confide in as he begins to date. So often, well-meaning people, in an attempt to “help,” will say things like, “You have nothing to be worried about.” Or, “It’s really not a big deal.” The thing is, he is worried and he does feel like it’s a big deal. Letting him know that you “get it” may go a long way. And finally, you can try reminding him of the two following facts. The woman who is meant for him is going to accept him and adore him exactly as he is – and that includes first date jitters. Most empathic people understand how nerve-racking it is to be on a first date. Anyone who is not understanding or who judges him harshly if he does have a little anxiety on the date is simply not the woman for him. It really is that simple. Very often, our anxieties around dating would lead us to believe otherwise.

First, if one of his sisters is mature enough, it might be helpful for him to go on a mock date with her. She can help him understand what topics girls like to discuss. She can give him valuable feedback and give him a boost of confidence before his first real date.

Second, there are important pointers that might not be so obvious to a sheltered yeshiva boy. He needs to practice good hygiene and dress in nice, clean clothes. And, he needs to understand that because girls spend a lot of time preparing for a date, they need to know what he is planning. For example, if he is planning a walk in the park, she would want to know not to wear high heels. Will they be going to the Bronx Zoo, to a coffee shop, or to a fancy restaurant?

He needs to realize that this is not a night out with his chavrusa friends. He needs to make sure that the car is clean and free of odors, that he drives responsibly, and that he acts like a gentleman who politely holds the door open for the lady.

Further, remind him to avoid speaking non-stop and dominating the conversation. A pleasant date involves a healthy give-and-take about mutually interesting topics.

And, finally, the date should not proceed like a stressful job interview. Tell your son to throw away his list of “Important Questions to Ask Your Date.” A boy and girl can get to know each other while enjoying a pleasant evening together. This is an exciting time of life, and here’s hoping that your son enjoys his experiences.

The other thing to remind him of Is that all he needs to do is show up as his authentic self. And sometimes as we begin dating, especially when we have no experience with the opposite gender, our authentic selves include a healthy dose of anxiety.

Wishing you and your son all the best!

Sincerely,

Jennifer