Being a Tzelem Elokim

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Iwas speaking with a woman from my gym class. She’s very fit and incredibly strong. I’m continuously amazed how much she can lift and do. She’s also a talented educator in a local yeshiva.

She expressed her frustration at having coworkers and other staff comment on her meals. She eats a balanced diet which, at times, includes bagels or other carb-rich items. Inevitably, whenever a bagel comes out, so do the comments. “You don’t look like you eat that.” “Really, you’re going to have that?”

It’s shocking to hear kids talk. “Do I look fat?” “Look how skinny I am now.” I don’t recall my peers being so focused on our weight when we were young.

Yes, there are parents that make hurtful comments to their child. “You’ll never get a shidduch looking like that.” “You don’t need that extra cookie.” But there are even more parents that inadvertently say things in front of their child. “Ugh, I hate how I look in this” or “I need to lose 10 pounds by the summer to fit into the wedding outfit.” Our children hear what we say and internalize our unspoken messages.

It’s not all weight related. Commenting negatively on any other part of our body yields similarly unintended conclusions. If we say we hate, dislike or would like to change any parts of our bodies, then our children will notice.

For a nation that prides itself on valuing the internals, we seem to be unwittingly overly focused on the externals, usually on the negative aspects.

It’s truly sad when we can’t appreciate the beauty that Hashem created within us and our children within themselves.

For Everything a Place

Our externals are certainly not bad, but everything needs to be in its proper place. Naturally, the first view you see of a person is their external self, but we don’t want to suffice with mere appearances alone. We make a significant effort to get to know their personality.

Ultimately, we will judge whether or not to include this person in our life based on who they are as an individual.

Despite the ultimate importance of our internal self, there is a place for appreciating our outside, as well. We should remember that however we look is exactly how Hashem intended for us to look. Whether we do or don’t like something, it’s still from Hashem.

More importantly, our bodies provide so many gifts that it’s a shame to never notice them. Eyes that see, ears that hear, and legs that move us from place to place. Not everyone has each of their bodily functions and perhaps they are the ones who can truly appreciate what others do have. Even the physical is a gift from Hashem that we should value.

There are so many physical gifts that we can enjoy. Those who run or exercise can tell you how exhilarating it feels to move. Dancing is fun and a great way to express oneself. Beautiful voices can inspire others. Kids can jump, somersault, and go down slides. They can move in all kinds of ways and are incredibly flexible. There’s so much we can appreciate about our physical selves. Our children, too, should be given the opportunity to recognize all they have been given.

Kids

Our kids see and hear us as we inadvertently provide them with a blueprint for how they should view themselves. We can either show them we value every part of them and teach them a full sense of self-worth or we can make them feel inferior.

Sometimes we miss the obvious: don’t insult a child’s body. It may not be intentional but even backhanded compliments, negative jokes and certainly outright criticisms can have a profound effect. Perhaps we think we’re motivating them to change for the better, but that rarely works, and any positives will be outweighed by the negatives. Comments about weight, physical appearance, or ability are usually unnecessary.

Compliments are one way we show our approval. “Look how high you jumped!” “You are so strong! That was really heavy to lift.” “I enjoy watching your backflips. How many can you do?” We can show them how to value themselves.

As parents, we serve as an example to our children. We, too, should be cautious how we present our opinions about ourselves in front of our children. What are we saying in their presence and how are we acting when they’re around (or able to overhear)? Perhaps we could also use a little introspection to see if we are loving and valuing the gifts that Hashem has given us in our physical selves. Give yourself the messages you’d like to hear your children repeat back to themselves. When they hear you accept and love yourself, they, too, will repeat those words at their own reflection. If, chas v’shalom, they hear us being critical to ourselves, they will internalize being harsh to their own bodies. Many adults received only negative messages when they were younger. We are never too old to learn to respect ourselves and the gifts Hashem has given us.

A disclaimer is in order. Kids can have problems with their weight, ap - pearance or physical movement. I’m not here to deny the obvious reality nor am I saying that parents should disregard a child’s health. When these situations arise, please reach out to the child’s pediatrician or mental health provider. They are professionally trained to irrelevant criteria, all in the name of “shidduchim.”

It goes without saying that everything is in Hashem’s hands including – or especially – shidduchim. Hakol b’ydei Shamayim chutz m’yiras Shamayim. Rather than deliberate on how assist parents in ensuring their child’s physical and emotional health needs are being met and they can do so without harming a child in the process.

When you see those married couples strolling down the street, you may not find all of them good looking. That’s OK, because they find each other attractive. People don’t get married saying, “Well, that person looks a little ehh to me but I’ll marry them anyway.” No, they connect with that person and find them attractive as they are. Our kids don’t need to appear in a specific way to find their life’s partner. Yes, they should look neat and clean, but they shouldn’t need to drastically change who they are to find their bashert. They should do their reasonable hishtadlus and leave the rest to Hashem.

Shidduchim

This is a topic beyond my expertise, but I couldn’t ignore the gigantic pink elephant wearing sunglasses and lounging in an easy chair in every room. So much of our behavior is dictated by our nose appears, perhaps we’re better off focusing on davening and improving our patience with others (which marriage requires in huge doses).

Looking around, you’ll notice a variety of married people; they come in all shapes and sizes. Some are quieter or louder; some are more popular, while others are less so. There’s no exclusive “type” that gets married. On the opposite side, there are plenty of amazing people who are still single.

We and our children deserve to have a positive self-image, one in which we can recognize that Hashem has blessed us in so many ways. Appreciating Hashem’s gifts need not lead to conceit but rather to a greater sense of gratitude to the True Source of all good.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at Rayvych Homeschool@gmail.com.