Parenting Pearls

Torah Fundamentals

by Sara rayvych, MSed

Shavuos is the culmination of seven weeks of counting until the day we once again receive the Torah anew. After gaining our freedom and becoming a nation on Pesach, we now receive our life mission during Shavuos with the privilege of receiving the Torah.

We’ve reached Shavuos as the culmination of the counting of seven weeks of the omer. Sefira is an interesting mitzvah. It’s the transition between Pesach and Shavuos, linking the two events. Each year the famous question comes up of what to do if a night is missed. Can you still say the bracha? Counting the omer is either made up of 49 smaller parts or each day is its own mitzvah to count. It’s unusual to find a mitzvah that is potentially made up of many smaller acts that combine to create one larger whole.

We know there are 613 mitzvos in the Torah. We’ve heard many beautiful divrei Torah discussing the various ideas behind each of the commandments. Each mitzvah is a world all its own, yet the Torah is a package that we accepted with “naaseh v’nishmah.”

The importance of fulfilling each mitzvah is also discussed. Each one is crucial, and we don’t pick and choose between the many gifts Hashem has given us. What is less frequently discussed is that it’s impossible for any person to complete all 613 mitzvos during their lifetime. You read correctly – none of us can do it all ourselves. For example, my husband and I had the z’chus of redeeming our firstborn son. We had a meaningful pidyon haben for him when he reached the mature age of 31 days old. Yes, people really do joke and ask if you are sure you want to buy him back; we made the purchase and he’s ours. It’s actually quite rare to make a pidyon haben, but my husband is himself a peter rechem and had one, too.

As we know, kohanim, while ineligible for being redeemed, shouldn’t feel left out. Kohanim, too, have their own set of special mitzvos that a regular Yisroel, as chashuv as he may be, is unable to perform. They have unique obligations that come with the privileges of being the direct descendants of Aharon Hakohen.

If either my husband or I came from families of Kohanim or Leviim, we’d be exempt from the mitzvah of pidyon haben. Alternatively, any man that can perform the kohanic mitzvos is exempt from the mitzvah of redeeming his son. We see an interesting paradox: no individual Jew can complete all 613 mitzvos. No single person can do everything, but together as a nation we are complete. These concepts struck me as being powerful lessons, both for our children and for us as parents.

As we come together now, Klal Yisroel united to accept the Torah, we are also reaffirming our goal as parents to pass on this legacy to the next generation. One of the promises Hashem gave us is the continuity of the Torah: it shall never leave us as a nation. This is both a privilege and responsibility that we, the parents of Am Yisroel, have.

It’s Not All or None

Over the years I’ve learned with different women at various stages of religious observance through the Oorah Torahmates chavrusa program. There are certain points that are so important that I try to work them into the lessons. One of those is the beautiful teaching that all of Klal Yisroel, including those not yet born, were present at Har Sinai for this magnificent event. I want these women to appreciate that they, too, received the Torah, just like I did.

A second yesod that I attempt to work into the lessons is that Torah is never “all or none.” Often, it can be overwhelming for someone on the path to mitzvah observance to realize just how much there is ahead of them. It can become disheartening, and it can result in frustration. Perhaps she’s ready to keep kosher but not yet prepared to give up Saturday little league. Sadly, this attitude can stunt the development of someone dedicated to growth.

Please don’t confuse this as saying we can pick and choose mitzvos – chas v’shalom! I am not at all indicating that any part of the Torah is more important or relevant than any other. We said, “Naaseh v’nishma,” not “eh, I’ll decide later what I like.” It’s a subtle yet crucial distinction.

Our children, too, are taking on mitzvos as they grow and mature. Even though they’re being raised as shomrei Torah u’mitzvos, they still are learning and accepting halacha as they develop. My preschooler may now begin to (sometimes) understand that he can’t color on Shabbos yet be unable to count six full hours after his chicken before indulging in his ice cream. It’s important that they expand, one halacha at a time, as they begin their journey towards full observance.

We need to go at their individual pace with respect, promoting growth rather than stifling it. Each child has their own challenges, and we need to build each of our youth at the pace they need. Let’s use a common example where the attitude of all or none can too often result in “none” getting done. It’s important to daven with a minyan and be punctual. We have definitely worked to inculcate our boys with an appreciation for tefilla b’tzibbur; it’s a major privilege to speak to the Ribbono Shel Olam. Yet, this is a difficult issue for young (and not so young) men. Rather than tell a well-meaning sleepyhead that

his davening doesn’t matter at all if it isn’t done in shul with nine other men, we can help him appreciate as he takes each step towards this beautiful goal. We can encourage him to reach ever greater milestones in his avodah. Perhaps that means saying Shema b’zmano at home instead of sleeping well past z’man. Maybe that means arriving in shul, even if he’s a few minutes late. By helping our young bachur appreciate each step of his growth and encouraging him further, we can help him make all his small advances count until he is leading the kehilla in birchos hashachar.

Years ago, a teenage girl was having a tough time during those turbulent years. Her older sister – having gratefully finished that portion of development – wanted to encourage her younger sister to wash negel vasser, even through the most challenging times. She purchased a negel vasser basin and decorated it with stickers to present as a gift. There were no demands to wash, requests to make the bracha or other requirements. Each night, the older girl silently filled the cup, and each morning the younger one privately washed her hands. The younger girl, now a grown woman, enjoys the privilege of helping her own children watch negel vasser.

Negel vasser may not seem like much at first but each mitzvah is a step forward and needs to be treasured.

All parents have dreams for their child. Sometimes we need to set aside how we wished they would be to better see where they are now and what they really need ual member of Am Yisroel – and that includes your child.

Your child, too, has unique gifts and abilities that are needed as part of the greater whole. Each individual – no matter how young – needs to recognize that Hashem created him/her with a purpose

Each individual – no matter how young – needs to recognize that Hashem created him/her with a purpose that only that individual can fulfill.

from us to help them best expand themselves and thrive spiritually.

One for All and All for One

As mentioned above, no individual can accomplish all the mitzvos personally; we need each other. Every member of Klal Yisroel has their own role and unique function. Just like we need Kohanim, Leviim and Yisroelim, we also need each individthat only that individual can fulfill. It’s hard to find anything more empowering than knowing Hashem has a job that only you can accomplish.

Continuity of the Torah

There’s a comfort in Hashem’s promise that the Torah will never leave us. This gift is eternal and limitless. We, just mere mortals, are those that are given the task of perpetuating the divine teachings. It’s a tremendous trust that Hashem has given to us as much as it is humbling in its enormity.

The only way to ensure this is to pass the flame of Torah to the next generation – just as our parents and grandparents did – going all the way back to Har Sinai. It’s incredible when we realize that we have maintained our traditions for centuries. Throughout all the upheavals and persecutions, times passed, and “isms” of the day, we remained mostly faithful in passing on the flame of Torah.

The future generations of Torah lie in the hands of our own. It is we who are raising the next generation that will, b’ezras Hashem, continue our holy mission. As we raise our children, we aren’t just helping cute babies get bigger, we are continuing in our divine assignment. Have a wonderful yom tov, and may our light shine forever brighter.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.

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